81 Reasons To Hate Kobe

With the Celtics fresh off a big win over the Lakers, I thought this would be a perfect time to express how much I dislike I Kobe Bryant as both a person and a basketball player. How much you ask do I dislike Kobe? I believe that I actually dislike Kobe so much that I think I can come up with 81 reasons to commemorate his milestone 81 point game last month.

1. He is a selfish player.
2. He is a selfish person.
3.He takes 27 shots per game.
4. When he scored 81 he took almost 50 shots.
5. He has weird ears.
6. He gives his teammates dirty looks when they take shots.
7. He gives Chris Mihm dirty looks when he touches the ball.
8. He gives Slava Medvedenko dirty looks for just drinking gatorade.
9. He gives Lamar Odom the "I will have you traded to Toronto and publicly beaten in the street if you don't pass me the ball next time" death stare when he takes game deciding shots.
10. After scoring 81 points every media horror and journalist praised him, called great, and said he a definite MVP candidate when his team was and still is .500.
11. After scoring 81 ESPN's Cold Pizza played Kobe Highlights for 3 weeks straight.
12. He is pompous.
13. His head is shaped funny.
14. His new Nike shoe symbol looks like a penis.
15. His face looks like his new shoe symbol.
16. He thinks he's a total badass.
17. His new Nike commercial tries to use his bad boy image to make him marketable.
18. His new commercial is a big "F you," to everyone saying he doesn't care.
19. He'll alienate fans, teammates, and sponsors if wants to cause he's a total badass.
20. Did I mention he wears tights and his new shoe has a phallus on it?
21. Last night he was wearing purple tights.
22. For a total bad ass he also used to be sponsored by Nutella. While I like its chocolatey taste, its not very hardcore.
23. He was accused of rape in 2004.
24. While he denied it was true he did admit to adultery. Creep.
25. In a weak attempt to apologize to his wife, instead of promising to never cheat on her again, he bought her a 4 million dollar ring.
26. Had this quote after the scandal "I sit here in front of you guys furious at myself, disgusted at myself for making a mistake of adultery." I heard the whole time he was saying this he was trying to picture Medvedenko naked so that he could fake some tears.
27. To back up his "bad boy image" he went out and got giant sweet tats.
28. He also shaved his head because he knows that's what super villains do.
29. He talks smack about Shaq all the time and Shaq is quite friendly.
30. He wears huge fur coats during post games interviews, meaning he probably likes killing small animals.
31. He's a ball hog.
32. He's on the Lakers.
33. He is overrated.
34. Says he is not trying to be the next Jordan YET he sticks his tongue out when he plays...sounds fishy...
35. Took Moesha to the Senior Prom, so he could rub in in the faces of people who couldn't bring celebrities and especially to the nerds who didn't even have dates.
36. Made the following lame TV appearances: Moesha.....LAAAME!
37. In the House- , dont know what it is but my guess LAME!
38. Belt -Again..I dont know what it is, but sounds lame.
39. Proud Family-, Kobe sucks even when hes animated. Not a very good example for your children.
40. Sister Sister-, Great show but not very tough Kobe.
41. He was named after Japanese Beef.
42. His middle name is "Bean." Funny they didn't mention that in his new Nike commercial? Thats a pretty tough middle name.
43. In high-school, his rap group called him "kobe wan Kanobi"
44. That one was so bad it counts as two reasons I hate Kobe.
45. His Italian rap sucks.
46. His mom's brother was a basketball player named "Chubby" Cox. (That is actually the greatest name ever invented)
47. Kobe is from Pennsylvania, yuck...
48. Kobe develops new moves by playing against his shadow.....
49-60. That last one was worth at least 12 reasons to hate him I'm sorry.
61. Whenever he talks to the media he has this incredibly fake smile on his face.
62. He lolly gags like a mofo when doesn't have the ball.
63. "Yo Phil, put me back in there so I can sabotage the game and hit the game winning shot." Kobe said this to Phil once and while he was joking I bet he does it all the time.
64. The annoying way every shot in Kobe Bryants NBA Courtside would bounce high off the rim and go in.
65. Kobe Bryants NBA Courtside 2 sucked. Thanks Kobe.
66. Kobe likes to eat veal.
67. Kobe doesn't recycle.
68. He likes to drop kick small dogs.
69. He burns leaves.
70. He nostrils flare.
71. He never does the dunk contest.
72. He gets all the calls.
73. He is clutch.
74. I always root against him, yet he's very good so he succeeds a lot.
75. His only friend on the Lakers is Luke Walton.
76. Phil Jackson is his coach.
77. Has annoying guys on his team like Devon George who suck 90% of the time until they are playing your team and then go off.
78. Overcompensates for being a selfish bastard, by always passing way too much at the all-star game.
79. his fake smile.
80. The way people say, the Lakers suck because Kobe has no help, when it's his own fault from alienating any legitimate players from ever wanting to play with him.
81. I got nothing...SUCK IT KOBE!
Ok , so maybe I don't hate Kobe that much, and maybe this was way harder and significantly less funny than I thought it would be....but at least we all learned some new things about #8. Make sure to check in after Wed. game against the Heat when I come up with 81 reason that I love Antoine Walker.