Celtics Update: Scals still a lovable lard-ass, Kandi-Man still addicted to crack, wife beating

As the draft rapidly approaches (only 26 days, 19 hours, 6 minutes, 4 seconds says nbadraft.net), I thought it was time to focus on what our actual (not projected) players are doing right now.

Doc Rivers gave some insight into just that, by telling Celtics.com what he expects each player to improve on in the off season:

Michael Olowokandi - "Conditioning and knowing our system better."
Translation: Packing up his locker and scrubbing the coke off the toilet seats. This dude's gone.

Brian Scalabrine - "Scal - learning and accepting our system and staying within himself. I think the in-between shot instead of taking it all the way to the basket."
Translation: Eating less poutin (a delicacy in Quebec consisting of french fries covered in gravy) and switching from bubble-tape to trident.

Wally Szczerbiak - "Wally - getting healthy and us continually learning from what the best way is for him to score."
Translation: Doc, you think this guy needs to learn how to score? Which cheerleaders have you been talking to?

Dwayne Jones - "Dwayne Jones - really just learning our system...he is just too new."
Translation: Better carpool with the Kandi-Man, you lanky bastard.

And my advice for Doc?: "Learn how to coach you ass. Looking mad and drawing pictures of boobies on your dry erase basketball clipboard ain't how red won all those championships. Go punch annoying team owners in the face, do some jumping-jacks in practice, something, anything..."

And to Danny Ainge, please draft Brandon Roy....

What?