UPDATED!!! Details of Pittsnogle's Contract

The Boston Celtics officially signed Kevin Pittsnogle the other day, and "Per team policy, terms of the contract were not disclosed." Good thing we have some moles on the inside. Here are some pertinent details of the contract. It's not a cush deal. Any misbehavior will be dealt with strictly, but there are plenty of incentives for him to reach for.

Page 3- "If Pittsnogle were to make the team, he would be required under penalty of a team suspension to go bowling with Brian Scalabrine and Brian 'Can' Doo on road trips. If Scalabrine starts to cry because he misses Raef and Danny Dick, Pittsnogle is required to give him a greasy, tatooed shoulder to cry on and buy him a hamburger milkshake."

Page 12- "If Pittsnogle is injured or does not make the active roster, he must wear the tuxedo he wore to his wedding on the Celtics bench. The hat is also required. No exceptions."

Page 13- "Stray dogs in the team locker room are strictly prohibited."

Page 13- "Fireworks and/or buckshot are prohibitted in all Celtic facilities."

Page 14- "Vehicles holding more than five rednecks are prohibited by team parking. The Celtics organization wishes to remind the Pittsnogle that dirt bikes, snowmobiles, four-wheelers, and dune buggies are not street legal."

Page 14- "Pittsnogle is required to refer to himself as 'The Pittsnogle'. 'The Nogle' is acceptable for short."

Page 14- "Pittsnogle is hereby prohibited from all contact with Dwayne Schnitzius."

Page 17- "Upon signing this contract, Pittsnogle's tatoo artist will be shot, probably by Tony Allen."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle receives a $5,000 bonus for every time his entire entourage is seen wearing sleeves. A $2,500 additional bonus will be paid if no one is wearing anything with a Confederate flag on it."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle receives a $500,000 bonus for every game in which he gets more rebounds than three-point attempts or personal fouls."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle receives a $100,000 bonus for every book he reads above a third-grade level. Pittsnogle will need to identify the main characters, the story, the lesson of the story, and give five new words he learned."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle will be fined $5,000 for every lame new tatoo he puts on his slimy body, and whoever puts it on him will be immediately put in front of a Celtics' firing squad composed of Tony Allen, Bassie, and Joe Forte."

Page 19- "Pittsnogle will receive a $1,000,000 bonus and have all hospital fees paid for by the Celtics if he agrees to a face transplant. The operation must be done by a licensed surgeon, not Pittsnogle's father/uncle/cousin/brother, or all of the above if they are all the same person. There are no loopholes here- we've been to West Virginia and we know how things are."

Page 19- "Pittsnogle will receive a $10,000 bonus for any game in which he outplays a lumbering white oaf that used to play for the Celtics. We'll throw in an extra fifty bucks if he was a Rick Pitino signing. Yes, any of them. Yes, Andrew DeClercq counts."

Page 20- "Pittsnogle will be fined $10,000 if he appears at a Celtics team function involving women, children and/or wealthy investors."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle is prohibited from discussing politics with Tony Allen. In fact, Pittsnogle is prohibited from even speaking to Tony Allen."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle must wear footwear into the showers. He must wash his hair at least once a month, with some kind of soap product. He will be inspected for lice on a daily basis by Brian 'Finding Lice is What I' Doo."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle can look at Paul Pierce, but he cannot touch him."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle is forbidden to speak to African-American players unless he is first spoken to. Pittsnogle is forbidden from using nicknames to address African-American players. No exceptions. If Paul Pierce hits a fadeaway three in Kobe's face to win the NBA Finals, and Pittsnogle yells "The Truth sets us free!", his contract will be terminated effective immediately. Pittsnogle has free reign to call white players whatever he damn well pleases, as long as there are no 'izzles' involved. The words 'dawg', 'homey', and 'cousin' can never be used under any circumstances."

Page 22- "Pittsnogle is prohibitted from repeating jokes or routines from the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour'. The phrase 'Git Er Done' is the fastest way to get this contract voided."