We Don't Suck

The Celtics are so far 2-2 in Summer League play despite being the only team that has more than two or three roster players. In fact, when Jefferson, Gomes, Green, Telfair and Rondo are on the floor, there's a good chance those guys will be on the floor together, at the same time, during the regular season. So why are we getting smoked by dudes that have been pulled out of their cardboard boxes. John Gilchrist? William Avery? Kelenna Azubuiki? Most summer league teams are composed of idiots that never should have left college. Prepare to see Danny Gibson, PJ Tucker, and Leon Powe on more than a few summer league teams in the future.

So why are we losing to them?

It's very simple- these guys are playing for a sandwhich, our guys are playing to learn an offense and learn how to work together. It's summer league, for crying out loud. You've all been to one of these games. The players don't even wear jerseys. They play their games at huge forums like Brandeis. You can foul a hundred times and stay in the game if you want. Nobody keeps track of statistics. They bring in the And-1 mixtape tour announcer's crackhead stepbrother to handle the obnoxious screamed play-by-play during the game. The And-1 guy's classic line, "OHHHH!!!! BAY-BEE!!!! DA PROFESSAH!!! OH!!!! BAY-BEE!!!!" The Summer League guys say, "RAJON RONDO!!!! THE REVERSE!!!! WOW!!!!"

Nothing counts in the preseason, unless you are a spastic Celtics fanboy that demands a trade whenever Big Al misses a jumper. Nobody remembers the summer league except for you freaks, and the Summer League does not make stars. Kendrick Brown and Joe Forte friggin' dominated the Summer League. They bent the Summer League over their knee and gave it a paddling that would make Bobby Brown proud. Yet, somehow, for some reason, they aren't in the NBA anymore.

Each player just needs to accomplish a few small goals. What we need out of each player is the following:

Big Al- confidence in his ankle and rebounding fundamentals. It wouldn't hurt if he raised his Basketball IQ out of the special ed range, as well.

Gomes- improving his perimeter skills so he can move to be a 3/4 and give him more minutes on the floor.

Telfair and Rondo- Dudes, learn how to shoot a &$%#@*&% jump shot, you're professional basketball players. Whatever you need to do, learn how to do it. You're both a disgrace and you would make Larry Bird puke up his Larry Bird-brand wine all over Kevin McHale's hunchback if he ever saw you shoot. Sebastian, take a few minutes a day away from your pillow-gun-smuggling racket and hit the gym. Rajon, spend five less minutes practicing your butt-ugly scowl in the mirror and pick up a basketball.

Allan Ray- keep your eyeballs in your head and keep on shooting. You're looking the best out of anyone on floor. Being in a backcourt with Telfair and Rondo makes you look like Steve f-ing Kerr, so cash in while there's still time.

Most of all, as a team, just learn each other's tendencies and everyone work on their individual projects. There's no use going all out because this is Game 7 of the NBA Finals for Eric Chenowith while it's the SUMMER LEAGUE for dudes on a roster. Keep it real, get in shape, and prepare to bitchslap the Eastern Conference come October.

That is all.