Celtics Second Careers
Retired NBA great Charles Barkley is supposedly considering a run for Alabama Governor. We learned from current I*Heart*Celtics.com great Brendan Sullivan the other day about the current Celtics mulling careers in politics, but today we will look back at Celtics of the past. Days of research around the clock by the entire I*Heart*Celtics went in to this story. If Sir Charles reads this, he may think twice.
Greg Minor ran for NBA Father of the Year a couple years back after his retirement, but scandal rocked the contest when judges discovered that he had several dozens of illigitimate children spread all over the country. Minor withdrew in shame. They gave the award to Shawn Kemp instead. Today Minor is rumored to be going for two world records simultaneously- illigitimate children conceived and fewest child support payments paid per capita.
Kevin McHale tried to make it big on Broadway after his Hall of Fame career with the C’s. He went out for the role of Quasimodo in the adaption of the Disney movie ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’, but was told, ‘Quasimodo is a hunchback, not a friggin’ Frankenstein.’ Undeterred, McHale tried out for numerous roles as the Mary Shelly monster. Nothing came through until ultimately a job at the Harvard Town Spook Walk on Halloween. It was an unpaid gig, however, as the directors insisted that all the cans of soup were for Loaves and Fishes, not for his paycheck. The next day a small child said to him in the General Store, “the Spook Walk was yesterday, mister”. McHale decided to be general manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves to pay the bills, telling his friends, “It’s easy- we’ll just sign Kevin Garnett to a huge contract and then put anyone else who shows up in a uniform and pay them in old hotdogs and stale nacho chips!” However, McHale’s acting career soon hit rock bottom when he lost out on his dream role to Zan Tabak. McHale retired bitterly and now takes out his anger on the good people of Minnesota.
His good buddy, Danny Ainge, meanwhile, tried the acting road as well after his coaching career yielded the one highlight of getting a sweaty towel thrown in his face by Robert Horry. Disenchanted with basketball, he dyed his hair black and for a role playing Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie. He nailed the audition, but then it was revealed that he had forged his birth certificate and was actually 50 years old, not 12. Branded “Danny Almonte” by all of Hollywood, Ainge took his backup job as a Celtics executive. Along with his fellow failed thespian friend McHale, he is currently trying to build the first NBA championship team with one superstar and a boatload of second rounders and undrafted dudes. The two of them pass the time by trading bad contracts, signing more bad contracts, and missing the playoffs. Booyah.
Sherman Douglas experienced minimal success on a countrywide lecture tour billing himself as the only living master of the classic “wild straightaway runner in the lane high off the glass” shot. Douglas is said to be negotiating an exhibit in the Smithsonian alongside the underhanded free throw, the sky hook, and the two-handed set shot.
Jerome Moiso, after getting nabbed by Rick Pitino with the eleventh pick overall, immediately decided that he would pursue a career as a cab driver. When he gave Paul Pierce a ride the other day, it marked the first time that an eleventh pick gave a tenth pick a ride in a taxicab. Pierce, forgetting who Moiso was, still tipped generously and gave him an autograph, which Moiso sold on Ebay for $1,000. Moiso has since earned a gold star rating.
Joe Forte ran for NRA president on the “Get High, Drive Fast, and Shoot Guns” ticket. He enjoyed tremendous support until he showed up for a key campaign speech in a Scooby-Doo jersey. Confused, his aides asked him what he was thinking. Forte then demanded that he write his own speeches, called his political strategist a homo, and punched an unpaid intern in the face. He then went up to the microphone, called the NRA “a bunch of little gay bitches” and walked out of the building while lighting a blunt and giving everybody the finger. When he lost the election, Forte refused a cabinet position, calling it “totally queer”. Forte now speeds around the country, smoking crack, with a loaded gun in the passenger seat.
Bob Cousy flamed out as a TV announcer when audiences rejected his patented “bitch, bitch, bitch” broadcast style. Cousy constantly waxed nostalgic for the good old days when nobody shot above 35% from the floor, dunking was illegal, white dorks with monacles dominated, and the game was still played on peach baskets with leather balls stuffed with feathers. He now does politically correct voice-overs for old, wildly xenophobic Elmer Fudd cartoons.
If you read the newspapers in the grocery check-out line, you might see headlines like, “Bat-Boy Found in Cave”, or “Bat-Boy Escapes”. After retiring, Popeye Jones has never been able to settle down.
Dwayne Schnitzius tried to run for the position of Dog Inspector in his hometown of XXXXXX, Florida. His campaign website said, “Dwayne Schnitzius has compassion for the lives of dogs. When his best friend Jason Williams shot his pet dog in the face with a shotgun, Schnitzius dutifully buried the savage beast in his backyard. A vote for Schnitzius is a vote for compassion, professionalism, and a mullet.” Floridians came out en masse to support him, but Schnitzius drunkenly chased them away with a tennis racket.
Eric Montross, realizing that his skills as a basketball player were limited to airballing free throws, fouling six times in three minutes, and wearing a flat-top, decided to retire from basketball several years ago. Legend has it, the spirit of Karl Malone spoke to him in a dream, saying, “You’re Eric f***** Montross. You have your hair cut like a gay sailor from 1955. You once bodyslammed Shaquille O’Neal when you were supposed to be shaking his hand before tip-off. You were born to wrestle. Now, excuse me, Malone needs to sex some little Mexican girls.”
When Malone left to sweet-talk Kobe’s wife, Montross looked in the mirror and famously said, “I’m Eric f***** Montross”. He dropped everything, including his pants, and began to make a name for himself in the backyard wrestling circuit in upstate New Hampshire. However, tragedy struck when Montross broke almost every bone in his body trying to dunk a basketball in a pick-up game- but he got a lucky break. While his injury left him with his jaws wired shut, one hundred and fifty pounds overweight, completely immobile, white as a ghost, and unable to turn his head from side to side, it was for these very qualities that he caught the attention of the producer of the revival play, “Frankenstein in the Park”. Montross bumped into the man he was supposed to replace for the Celtics- Kevin McHale- at an audition. McHale, knowing that he would lose the role to Montross, decided to contact Montross’ agent to negotiate a contract with the Timberwolves to get him out of the audition room. The plan worked, but McHale lost the role to Zan Tabak anyway. Hearing of the news about the T-Wolves’ offer, an intense bidding war broke out for Montross’ services- with the big white buffoon ultimately landing an eight-year contract with the Utah Jazz.
So, Sir Charles, we know you’re reading this. You had a great career. You threw a dude through a bar window, you spit on a little girl, you bodyslammed Shaquille... and you’ve parlayed that into an excellent broadcasting career. If the Boston Celtics alumni are any indication, that is no small feat. Stick with what you’ve got- because before you know it- you’re a stunt double for the whale in ‘Free Willy 4: Willy Goes to Vegas’, like Oliver Miller.
Greg Minor ran for NBA Father of the Year a couple years back after his retirement, but scandal rocked the contest when judges discovered that he had several dozens of illigitimate children spread all over the country. Minor withdrew in shame. They gave the award to Shawn Kemp instead. Today Minor is rumored to be going for two world records simultaneously- illigitimate children conceived and fewest child support payments paid per capita.
Kevin McHale tried to make it big on Broadway after his Hall of Fame career with the C’s. He went out for the role of Quasimodo in the adaption of the Disney movie ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’, but was told, ‘Quasimodo is a hunchback, not a friggin’ Frankenstein.’ Undeterred, McHale tried out for numerous roles as the Mary Shelly monster. Nothing came through until ultimately a job at the Harvard Town Spook Walk on Halloween. It was an unpaid gig, however, as the directors insisted that all the cans of soup were for Loaves and Fishes, not for his paycheck. The next day a small child said to him in the General Store, “the Spook Walk was yesterday, mister”. McHale decided to be general manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves to pay the bills, telling his friends, “It’s easy- we’ll just sign Kevin Garnett to a huge contract and then put anyone else who shows up in a uniform and pay them in old hotdogs and stale nacho chips!” However, McHale’s acting career soon hit rock bottom when he lost out on his dream role to Zan Tabak. McHale retired bitterly and now takes out his anger on the good people of Minnesota.
His good buddy, Danny Ainge, meanwhile, tried the acting road as well after his coaching career yielded the one highlight of getting a sweaty towel thrown in his face by Robert Horry. Disenchanted with basketball, he dyed his hair black and for a role playing Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie. He nailed the audition, but then it was revealed that he had forged his birth certificate and was actually 50 years old, not 12. Branded “Danny Almonte” by all of Hollywood, Ainge took his backup job as a Celtics executive. Along with his fellow failed thespian friend McHale, he is currently trying to build the first NBA championship team with one superstar and a boatload of second rounders and undrafted dudes. The two of them pass the time by trading bad contracts, signing more bad contracts, and missing the playoffs. Booyah.
Sherman Douglas experienced minimal success on a countrywide lecture tour billing himself as the only living master of the classic “wild straightaway runner in the lane high off the glass” shot. Douglas is said to be negotiating an exhibit in the Smithsonian alongside the underhanded free throw, the sky hook, and the two-handed set shot.
Jerome Moiso, after getting nabbed by Rick Pitino with the eleventh pick overall, immediately decided that he would pursue a career as a cab driver. When he gave Paul Pierce a ride the other day, it marked the first time that an eleventh pick gave a tenth pick a ride in a taxicab. Pierce, forgetting who Moiso was, still tipped generously and gave him an autograph, which Moiso sold on Ebay for $1,000. Moiso has since earned a gold star rating.
Joe Forte ran for NRA president on the “Get High, Drive Fast, and Shoot Guns” ticket. He enjoyed tremendous support until he showed up for a key campaign speech in a Scooby-Doo jersey. Confused, his aides asked him what he was thinking. Forte then demanded that he write his own speeches, called his political strategist a homo, and punched an unpaid intern in the face. He then went up to the microphone, called the NRA “a bunch of little gay bitches” and walked out of the building while lighting a blunt and giving everybody the finger. When he lost the election, Forte refused a cabinet position, calling it “totally queer”. Forte now speeds around the country, smoking crack, with a loaded gun in the passenger seat.
Bob Cousy flamed out as a TV announcer when audiences rejected his patented “bitch, bitch, bitch” broadcast style. Cousy constantly waxed nostalgic for the good old days when nobody shot above 35% from the floor, dunking was illegal, white dorks with monacles dominated, and the game was still played on peach baskets with leather balls stuffed with feathers. He now does politically correct voice-overs for old, wildly xenophobic Elmer Fudd cartoons.
If you read the newspapers in the grocery check-out line, you might see headlines like, “Bat-Boy Found in Cave”, or “Bat-Boy Escapes”. After retiring, Popeye Jones has never been able to settle down.
Dwayne Schnitzius tried to run for the position of Dog Inspector in his hometown of XXXXXX, Florida. His campaign website said, “Dwayne Schnitzius has compassion for the lives of dogs. When his best friend Jason Williams shot his pet dog in the face with a shotgun, Schnitzius dutifully buried the savage beast in his backyard. A vote for Schnitzius is a vote for compassion, professionalism, and a mullet.” Floridians came out en masse to support him, but Schnitzius drunkenly chased them away with a tennis racket.
Eric Montross, realizing that his skills as a basketball player were limited to airballing free throws, fouling six times in three minutes, and wearing a flat-top, decided to retire from basketball several years ago. Legend has it, the spirit of Karl Malone spoke to him in a dream, saying, “You’re Eric f***** Montross. You have your hair cut like a gay sailor from 1955. You once bodyslammed Shaquille O’Neal when you were supposed to be shaking his hand before tip-off. You were born to wrestle. Now, excuse me, Malone needs to sex some little Mexican girls.”
When Malone left to sweet-talk Kobe’s wife, Montross looked in the mirror and famously said, “I’m Eric f***** Montross”. He dropped everything, including his pants, and began to make a name for himself in the backyard wrestling circuit in upstate New Hampshire. However, tragedy struck when Montross broke almost every bone in his body trying to dunk a basketball in a pick-up game- but he got a lucky break. While his injury left him with his jaws wired shut, one hundred and fifty pounds overweight, completely immobile, white as a ghost, and unable to turn his head from side to side, it was for these very qualities that he caught the attention of the producer of the revival play, “Frankenstein in the Park”. Montross bumped into the man he was supposed to replace for the Celtics- Kevin McHale- at an audition. McHale, knowing that he would lose the role to Montross, decided to contact Montross’ agent to negotiate a contract with the Timberwolves to get him out of the audition room. The plan worked, but McHale lost the role to Zan Tabak anyway. Hearing of the news about the T-Wolves’ offer, an intense bidding war broke out for Montross’ services- with the big white buffoon ultimately landing an eight-year contract with the Utah Jazz.
So, Sir Charles, we know you’re reading this. You had a great career. You threw a dude through a bar window, you spit on a little girl, you bodyslammed Shaquille... and you’ve parlayed that into an excellent broadcasting career. If the Boston Celtics alumni are any indication, that is no small feat. Stick with what you’ve got- because before you know it- you’re a stunt double for the whale in ‘Free Willy 4: Willy Goes to Vegas’, like Oliver Miller.
posted by BP at
12:14 PM
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