THE 'GET ME A SODA' CREW

This is the group with expectations on them so low that when they do something like set a good screen the Celtics fanbase will cheer them. These are players that don’t surprise anyone when they accidentally score on the wrong basket or commit a flagrant foul on a teammate. They either suck altogether, or are simply waiting until their contract expires so that they can go somewhere else- like the NBDL.

Vin Baker - no, he’s not in a uniform, but it warrants mentioning that we’re still paying his drunken turkey-gobbler neck.

Dwayne Jones - he is actually on the roster. What he does, nobody knows.

Brian Scalabrine - at the end of last season Scals vented about wishing he was on a team where he was valued more. The Seekonk Professional Eating Team tried to negotiate a trade with the Celtics, but Danny Ainge insisted that his Scalavision was too good to pass up. I guess Danny just doesn’t want a player at the end of the bench distracting the team by shooting people in nightclubs. Instead, he has a player at the end of the bench distracting the team with body odor and fart clouds of toxic death. Scalabrine’s only role on this team should be testing Paul Pierce’s food for poison.

Leon Powe- the Celtics signed him to a contract after a stunning 6ppg, 3 rpg summer league performance. I know he won all kinds of awards in college, but Dan Dickau was a First Team All-American for crying out loud. He is a tough post player with some good low-post moves, but I don't see him getting many minutes in the league because he was so reliant on his athleticism in college to be successful. Plus, he’s got bad knees and that is not good with big dudes that put hundreds of pounds of strain on their joints. However, considering that Big Al, Perkins, and Theo have all missed scores of games due to injuries in the last few years- it doesn’t hurt to stockpile some big men. Hopefully he will have Gomes-like growth during the season so we can further justify sending Big Al packing. I won’t hold my breath.

Kevin Pittsnogle - what more is there to say? He’s an oaf. When I said in the preceding paragraph that the Celtics need to stockpile big men, I should have added the qualifier, “that can play basketball”. You don’t want a player that steps on the floor and instantly brings less athleticism, less basketball intelligence, less rebounding, less toughness, and less skills. I guarantee that I will scream every time he plays. I also guarantee that I will pretend like I never said that if the Nogle has a big game.

Allan Ray - this guy won’t be getting any minutes because of lame politics, but it doesn’t break my heart. He could be a Dana Barros-type in the right situation, but we just don’t need that on this team. There are plenty of shooters with more to offer in other areas than Allan Ray. Unlike the rest of the players on the ‘Get Me a Soda’ crew, however, he will move on to bigger and better things after the Celtics.

FINAL ANALYSIS
This team is deep, but it’s not 15 deep. Let’s hope and pray to the basketball gods (Bill Russell and Larry Bird) that none of these players are pushed into long-term duty at any point during any season. But, since the coaching staff and front office are cra-a-a-azy, we should brace for the worst. I'll even go so far as to start a rumor that Doc is thinking about playing Dwayne Jones at the point in an effort to "go big" to counteract smallball lineups like the Phoenix Suns. Lord only knows what he's capable of.