Celtics debut police blotter

With Sebastian Telfair and Tony Allen both in trouble with the 5-0 these days, Director of Basketball Ops. Danny Ainge announced yesterday that the Celtics have decided to debut a police blotter to help Celtics fans follow their favorite players' legal woes more closely. The blotter idea came at the urging of Telfair, who delighted in reading the Portland Trailblazers' crime log during his time with his oft-incarcerated former team. "I used to read that sh*t to my kid before bed man, it had this Aesopian aesthetic--except instead of talking animals helping each other you had Zack [Randolph] and Q[yntel Woods] drag racin' and tail chasin', slippin' slugs and doin' drugs," Telfair told I*Heart*Celtics.

Ainge was also excited about the blotter, despite yielding no credit to Telfair for his idea. Said the baby-faced GM, "I really like this idea, I mean, its one of my best ideas I've had all week." Considering Ainge's other ideas this week included signing Luke Jackson, googling "Ted Turner sex tape", and answering simple questions with ambigous rhetoric in press conferences, it doesn't say much -- but it is good to see Danny proud of something he has done.

When asked for comment, Doc Rivers emphasized "I'm a player's coach. Wally's really getting the rotations down. Paul is really enjoying having a leadership role. End of recording."

Ainge said he agreed 100% with his head coach, and that the organization was behind him. He also revealed the innaugural edition of the Celtics police blotter. Here are some highlights:

Monday, 10/16, 5 p.m. - Wally Szczerbiak arrested on 150 million counts of stealing, in an unprecedented charge, "young ladies' hearts".

Wednesday 10/18, 3:41 a.m. - A squad car dispatched to the Popeye's Chicken on Boylston Street, after the drive thru operator reported a stolen Louisiana Legends (TM) Jumbalaya Chicken meal and illicit bribery. Delonte West was found at the scene trying to pay the cashier in autographed pictures of himself that he had printed off the internet, which he referred to as "Delonte bucks".

Wednesday 10/18, 3:52 a.m. - A squad car dispatched to the Popeye's Chicken in Kenmore Square, after the drive thru operator reported a stolen Louisiana Legends (TM) Jumbalaya Chicken meal and illicit bribery. Delonte West was found at the scene trying to pay the cashier in burned Jim Jones' mix CDs.

Thursday 10/19 8:15 a.m. - Reports of erratic driving reported from the Cracker Barrell Restaurant and Country Store on the Mass Pike. When officers arrived at the scene, they identified the pink '95 Isuzu Amigo doing doughnuts while honking incessantly in the parking lot as belonging to one Brian Scalabrine. When he refused to stop, they shot out his tires, before realizing he was passed out with his face against the steeringwheel, foot on the gas, one hand on the wheel, one in his doggie bag, clearly intoxicated. Officers reported it a case of involuntary drunkedness, acknowledging "Veal clearly didn't realize Kahlua Ice Cream had alcohol in it, although judging by his blood alcohol level, he must have consumed at least 56 gallons of it in a 6 minute span."

Thursday 10/19 3:15 p.m. - Police responded to the scene amid complaints of public indecency and drug use in a school zone, when Michael Olowakandi smoked what he later referred to as his "eye medicine" while going down the twisty slide on the John F. Kennedy Elementary playground. When the officers arrived, Olowakandi ran to the nearest child on the playground, 8-year-old Bobby Longworth, an asked him if he had any Visine. When Longworth told Olowakandi that he didn't even know what Visine was, he punched the boy in the stomach and put out his "eye medicine" on the boy's arm.