SHAQ BUSTS UP KIDDIE PORN RING

R. KELLY, PETER TOWNSEND, AND GARY GLITTER UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT

As we all know, Shaquille O’Neal is interested in pursuing a career in law enforcement when his playing days are over. Since he stopped playing seriously three years ago, he has risen to the point in the police force that he leads child porn stings. The biggest problem was that they got the wrong house.

Bedford County Sheriff's Lieutenant Michael Harmony tells The Associated Press that the Miami Heat center was present when a search warrant was served last month at the wrong house.


So here’s the scenario- you’re sitting with your family, enjoying a nice meal together, when all of a sudden a bunch of federal agents smash down your front door. They throw a smoke bomb. Pandemonium. Everyone is screaming.

Silence.

Then, like Darth Vader in Star Wars, Shaquille O’Neal walks in through the smoke.

“Shaq?”
“Call me the Big Aristotle.”
“Why?”
“I’m all about numbers.”
“So…”
“You’re getting ten to fifteen years, pervert!”
“What?”
“Face the wall! Hands on your head! Spread your legs! KAZAAM!”

Now, you’d think that Ashton Kutcher would come running out in a white Kaballa suit and a white fuzzy hat and do something zany and outrageous, but no- Shaq would be taking you to jail. It doesn’t matter that you’re not a pedophile. Shaq isn’t a part of law enforcement, Shaq IS the law, and you’re going to be crying like Kobe at an adultery press conference until Shaq feels like giving you mercy.

So, Shaq busted the wrong man. He’s not the only NBA star to have some second-career missteps. It reminds me of several stories about Celtics’ players and their business dabblings.

-Delonte West has always dreamed of owning his own Popeye’s Chicken restaurant. His considerable success in professional basketball made that possible. His first promotional foray was “Ladies Night”. Hundreds of women flocked to the restaurant expecting a discount, but discovered that “Ladies Night” meant that Delonte would pick the finest ladies, deny them the opportunity to eat because it might give them bad breath, and take them skinny dipping in Boston Harbor. Delonte quickly put up a “NO FAT CHICKS” sign in front, then confused things by putting up a “NO SKINNY CHICKS” sign and a “NO DUDES” sign. However, the restaurant didn’t go belly-up until Delonte re-instituted the barter system because “cash is germs”, whatever that means.

-Tony Allen started a clothing line that debuted in fashion week in NYC a couple weeks ago. It got rave reviews. Michael Kors said, “Allen’s line of identical ill-fitting orange jumpsuits is daring and innovative.” After Tony took the gun from his head, Kors ran crying into the arms of a 6-foot, 90-pound dude wearing a fedora and a monocle.

-Brian Scalabrine fancies himself quite the NASCAR driver. Following the lead of Joe Gibbs, he pooled together a like-minded investment group to start a team. The group included William “Fridge” Perry, Oliver Miller, Eddy Curry, and Michael Sweetney. Their plan was to build a car out of sausages that ran on nacho cheese. Unfortunately, a disaster occurred when the materials arrived on site. In a riot later described by an onlooker as, “five giant walruses fighting in a sea of cheese,” everything was either consumed or destroyed. In the aftermath, Fridge was found washed up on a beach 200 miles south. Oliver Miller was taken down by big game hunters mistaking him for a water buffalo. Eddy Curry was caught by the University of Florida for sasquatch research, while Michael Sweetney was tagged and released into the wild to study his migration patterns. Cold-blooded Brian Scalabrine calmly drove away in his trusty Isuzu Amigo. “Good breakfast,” he was heard to say. “Good breakfast.”