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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Catfight In Nation's Capital

The Washington Post was abuzz today about a catfight. Was it John Kerry and George W. Bush tossing lame and predictable "barbs" back and forth? Political pundits bickering over issues nobody cares about? No... it was Etan Thomas and Brendan Haywood getting into a fistfight.

For those of you who don't know the backstory, I'll be brief. Haywood and Thomas got in a fight during practice last year, after which Haywood was suspended for a game. To make the situation even more interesting, Wizards coach Eddie Jordan wrenched Haywood's five year starting spot away from him this season to give it to Thomas- and Haywood's agent responded by mouthing off to the media about Haywood being treated badly. I'll bet you CAN'T WAIT to see what happened next!

Let's take this article apart.
ORLANDO, Nov. 6 -- Washington Wizards centers Etan Thomas and Brendan Haywood were involved in a physical altercation last Thursday in which the two traded punches at Verizon Center, according to two team sources.

"Trading punches" is a phrase that I have always enjoyed. Hearing it, you'd think that the fight was like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Based on every fight I have ever seen, they are always far more hilarious than that. It's a race to see who will pull out the dirty trick first. It's rare that a fight goes more than two seconds before both combatants fall down and/or somebody gets hit in the nuts. How did this one go?
[Thomas] approached Haywood and threw the first punch once the argument escalated, a source said. According to the source, Haywood responded to the punch by body-slamming Thomas to the ground, tearing out at least two of Thomas's dreadlocks in the process. The two players were separated by teammates and the altercation ended.

That's more like it! No testicles were involved, but pulling hair is the next best thing. So, as expected, this wasn't exactly "trading punches". It was more like the fight I had on the bus in kindergarten. I remember it well. I wanted to sit next to a kid, he told me that he didn't want me to sit there, and the next thing I know I am bodyslammed in the aisle, getting my hair pulled out, my Shark Bites flying everywhere.

The detail given by "the source" is enlightening. "At least two" dreadlocks were pulled out by Haywood and zero for Thomas. So, in the WASHINGTON WIZARDS' ANNUAL HAIR-PULLING CONTEST- Brendan Haywood is the victor. In honor of his triumph, I implore you to skip voting today and instead watch some great clips from YouTube honoring the great NBA fights over the years. Some of them overlap, but come on, do you ever get tired of watching Jerry Sloan making a run at Rasheed Wallace? Greg Ostertag punt the ball into the stands? Shawn Bradley get punched in the face?

This one starts off well with the craziest monologue no one remembers, Kevin Garnett babbling about all the weapons he's putting together for "war". I enjoy this one because it has plenty of Celtics highlights. The ESPN Top 10 is nice because you get to see Larry Bird peg Bill Lambieer, Jerry Sichting whup Ralph Sampson, and Tree Rollins bite our General Manager. And, of course, my personal favorite, the Brawl in Auburn Hills.

Enjoy!

1 Comments:

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