Kobe Cries About Being Terrible

As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate Kobe Bryant (see below....), he made the following statement to the media yesterday in regards to his game losing foul on Paul Pierce:

''I didn't foul him," said Bryant. ''That was a bad call. It was terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. There's no room for that call in this game, not down the stretch of a game. Are you kidding me? It's ridiculous."

Anyone who saw the play knows there was clearly contact. Looked like a pretty obvious call. At worst you could argue that it could have gone either way. Surely it was not a bad call.
Even if it was the worst call ever, a player who blames the outcome of a 48 minute game on one play has no class. Especially when they score 3 points in the final quarter. Boo Kobe.

81 Reasons To Hate Kobe

With the Celtics fresh off a big win over the Lakers, I thought this would be a perfect time to express how much I dislike I Kobe Bryant as both a person and a basketball player. How much you ask do I dislike Kobe? I believe that I actually dislike Kobe so much that I think I can come up with 81 reasons to commemorate his milestone 81 point game last month.

1. He is a selfish player.
2. He is a selfish person.
3.He takes 27 shots per game.
4. When he scored 81 he took almost 50 shots.
5. He has weird ears.
6. He gives his teammates dirty looks when they take shots.
7. He gives Chris Mihm dirty looks when he touches the ball.
8. He gives Slava Medvedenko dirty looks for just drinking gatorade.
9. He gives Lamar Odom the "I will have you traded to Toronto and publicly beaten in the street if you don't pass me the ball next time" death stare when he takes game deciding shots.
10. After scoring 81 points every media horror and journalist praised him, called great, and said he a definite MVP candidate when his team was and still is .500.
11. After scoring 81 ESPN's Cold Pizza played Kobe Highlights for 3 weeks straight.
12. He is pompous.
13. His head is shaped funny.
14. His new Nike shoe symbol looks like a penis.
15. His face looks like his new shoe symbol.
16. He thinks he's a total badass.
17. His new Nike commercial tries to use his bad boy image to make him marketable.
18. His new commercial is a big "F you," to everyone saying he doesn't care.
19. He'll alienate fans, teammates, and sponsors if wants to cause he's a total badass.
20. Did I mention he wears tights and his new shoe has a phallus on it?
21. Last night he was wearing purple tights.
22. For a total bad ass he also used to be sponsored by Nutella. While I like its chocolatey taste, its not very hardcore.
23. He was accused of rape in 2004.
24. While he denied it was true he did admit to adultery. Creep.
25. In a weak attempt to apologize to his wife, instead of promising to never cheat on her again, he bought her a 4 million dollar ring.
26. Had this quote after the scandal "I sit here in front of you guys furious at myself, disgusted at myself for making a mistake of adultery." I heard the whole time he was saying this he was trying to picture Medvedenko naked so that he could fake some tears.
27. To back up his "bad boy image" he went out and got giant sweet tats.
28. He also shaved his head because he knows that's what super villains do.
29. He talks smack about Shaq all the time and Shaq is quite friendly.
30. He wears huge fur coats during post games interviews, meaning he probably likes killing small animals.
31. He's a ball hog.
32. He's on the Lakers.
33. He is overrated.
34. Says he is not trying to be the next Jordan YET he sticks his tongue out when he plays...sounds fishy...
35. Took Moesha to the Senior Prom, so he could rub in in the faces of people who couldn't bring celebrities and especially to the nerds who didn't even have dates.
36. Made the following lame TV appearances: Moesha.....LAAAME!
37. In the House- , dont know what it is but my guess LAME!
38. Belt -Again..I dont know what it is, but sounds lame.
39. Proud Family-, Kobe sucks even when hes animated. Not a very good example for your children.
40. Sister Sister-, Great show but not very tough Kobe.
41. He was named after Japanese Beef.
42. His middle name is "Bean." Funny they didn't mention that in his new Nike commercial? Thats a pretty tough middle name.
43. In high-school, his rap group called him "kobe wan Kanobi"
44. That one was so bad it counts as two reasons I hate Kobe.
45. His Italian rap sucks.
46. His mom's brother was a basketball player named "Chubby" Cox. (That is actually the greatest name ever invented)
47. Kobe is from Pennsylvania, yuck...
48. Kobe develops new moves by playing against his shadow.....
49-60. That last one was worth at least 12 reasons to hate him I'm sorry.
61. Whenever he talks to the media he has this incredibly fake smile on his face.
62. He lolly gags like a mofo when doesn't have the ball.
63. "Yo Phil, put me back in there so I can sabotage the game and hit the game winning shot." Kobe said this to Phil once and while he was joking I bet he does it all the time.
64. The annoying way every shot in Kobe Bryants NBA Courtside would bounce high off the rim and go in.
65. Kobe Bryants NBA Courtside 2 sucked. Thanks Kobe.
66. Kobe likes to eat veal.
67. Kobe doesn't recycle.
68. He likes to drop kick small dogs.
69. He burns leaves.
70. He nostrils flare.
71. He never does the dunk contest.
72. He gets all the calls.
73. He is clutch.
74. I always root against him, yet he's very good so he succeeds a lot.
75. His only friend on the Lakers is Luke Walton.
76. Phil Jackson is his coach.
77. Has annoying guys on his team like Devon George who suck 90% of the time until they are playing your team and then go off.
78. Overcompensates for being a selfish bastard, by always passing way too much at the all-star game.
79. his fake smile.
80. The way people say, the Lakers suck because Kobe has no help, when it's his own fault from alienating any legitimate players from ever wanting to play with him.
81. I got nothing...SUCK IT KOBE!
Ok , so maybe I don't hate Kobe that much, and maybe this was way harder and significantly less funny than I thought it would be....but at least we all learned some new things about #8. Make sure to check in after Wed. game against the Heat when I come up with 81 reason that I love Antoine Walker.

Birthday Wishes

The contributors to iheartceltics would like to wish Ben Peisch a very happy birthday on this frigid late February evening. Let's hope the win over the Lakers was only the beginning of a string of birthday presents for BP from the Celts.

The Day After

RELISHING PIERCE'S DOMINANCE AND KOBE'S FAILED REACHAROUND

After watching a sweet victory by the Celtics last night against the Lakers, I realized that this was one of the only opportunities of the season to bash Kobe and praise the Truth at the same time. When I get an opening, I fake it, I take it, and I make it.

My main man Nic hit the nail on the redhead last night. When Pierce burned Kobe and then grabbed the Mile High Molester to prevent a response bucket- that spoke to me on a spiritual level. That sequence summed up the difference between the two players.

I remarked to my dad, "Pierce plays for pride, Kobe plays for stats". I have to say I agree with myself. That sequence showed which player grew up scrapping and which one grew up feeling entitled to success. Pierce knows that he is the head of the team, and he feels the need to earn the respect of his teammates every night. Kobe just expects it, but he doesn't get it.

In the end, Kobe had the marginally better statistical night- 40 points, 8 rebounds, and 6 assists to Pierce's 39, 7, and 4. It was weird, though- Pierce's baskets meant more to the Celtics than Kobe's did for the Lakers. For most of Kobe's points, it could have been Smush Parker getting them.

I have never seen a team treat their star with such disinterest as the Lakers this season. On the flip side, watching the Celtics warm up you see in two seconds that Pierce is the heart of his team. Gerald Green is asking him for pointers. Wally is asking where he should be on the floor. Scal is asking him if he has a buck to get a Mr. Pibb from the vending machines.

The other difference between Pierce and Kobe is that in the final minute, Kobe gives almost as many "WTF?!?" moments as he gives game-winners. Last night, for those of you who didn't watch the game, Pierce was about to shoot a fadeaway 20-footer with 3 seconds left, and Kobe bear hugs him like they were at a high school reunion. The Sportscenter dude just called it a "reacharound". Gross. Anyway, Kobe intentionally fouled the Truth, but they didn't have a foul to give... and then KOBE COMPLAINED TO THE OFFICIALS ABOUT CALLING THE FOUL!!! Kobe- you did it on purpose!

I shared Kobe's shock, because I fully expected the whistle to be an offensive foul against Pierce. I mean, this is KOBE we're talking about. When he dribbles the ball of his face they are likely to call a technical on the opposing equipment manager.

So, Pierce hits one out of two free throws, and Kobe goes for the 25-foot BANK SHOT? I don't get it. But, that's ok, because he plays for the Lakers and I don't have to get it. I just have to make fun of it. So, Kobe, I don't hate you for your fadeaway- it sealed the victory for the Celtics last night.

I have some other things that I wanted to comment on:

-ESPN sucks. Greg Anthony is the only man on the whole network who will acknowledge that Pierce is an elite player. Anthony is great, their play-by-play guy is fine, but Tim Legler... WOOF! The influence of Steven A. is destroying formerly solid broadcasters like Legler and Steve Kerr, who have begun making outrageous statements just to be controversial.

Steven A. as a sideline reporter, is, quite frankly, and embarrassment to broadcasting, basketball, and humanity. He talked about the Ricky Price trade for two minutes. Watching him arrogantly opine about people that only exist in Steven A. fantasyland was hilarious.

The thing that I hate most about Steven A. is his delivery. When he said, "Raef LaFretz is getting stitches on his forehead and will return to the game", his delivery was like he was saying, "Raef LaFretz is snorting cocaine and slaughtering a litter of puppies instead of returning to the game". Lighten the F up, Steven, and you can bet your ass that I always say your name with a lisp to spite you.

-Ryan Gomes... my goodness. The man is a stud. I never thought my love could grow so deep, so quickly. 19 points and 12 rebounds? If he wasn't in there, the Celtics would have been outrebounded by 30.

This is how you know he's a great rebounder- when he doesn't get the rebound, his man doesn't either. He was all over the glass last night. He was hitting the open jumper and was finishing inside. He knows how to cut to the basket when the guard is driving so that he can catch the dish in stride and finish.

I am thinking that when we have everyone healthy, Gomes should get minutes at the 4 and the 3. He has enough range to play the small forward, and he would be the best rebounding small forward in the league. He could spell both Jefferson and Wally. We need to get this guy on the floor as much as possible- we're 5-2 in games he starts.

-Scal had a good game! His three wasn't dropping, which is no shocker, but he was setting great screens. He was drawing the charge. He was playing good defense. But best of all- Scal was the enforcer! He shoved Smush Parker after a bucket, and then clotheslined him on a screen. Smush will never steal Scal's between-quarter Double Whopper with cheese again! Scal may be realizing that the emergence of Gomes may mean fewer minutes for the Big Red Machine- so going the "Enforcer" route is definitely a good idea.

-I loved watching Delonte after he fouled out. He was so pissed. The man is a winner- and at the rate he is improving he will be averaging 20 and 8 before we know it. The most exciting thing about the game last night was the chemistry that you could see between Pierce and Delonte, but also between Delonte and Gomes.

-Tony Allen is a smarter player this year. I hope that he gets his old explosiveness back, and I think he will, but it's nice to see that he is learning to protect the ball and finish wisely (if not spectacularly). This road trip has been good for him.

SUCK IT LAKERS! PIERCE DOMINATES KOBE.

It wasn't easy. The Lakers gave the Celtics everything they got, and the refs gave them even more, but nothing would stop the Celtics as they hung on for a 1 point victory to go 3-1 on their Western Coast Road Trip. If we have learned one thing this year, it is never doubt the heart of this Celtics team and never underestimate how good Paul Pierce is. Tonight Paul went head to head with the man who a month ago scored 80 points in a game (or as I like to call him "the man who took 50 shots in one game) and punked him out on national TV in his own gym! Paul came home to LA showed number 8 who the really owns the west coast.
The first quarter lived up to the hype as Kobe scored 12 and Paul had 11. At this point it looked like it would be another throwdown reminicient of the Pierce-LeBron shoot out the other week. It came close. The Lakers came out hot from the outside while the Celtics took it to the hole ealy establishing their presense at the line. This would turn out to be the difference maker in the game. At the end of one the Celts were down a bucket.
The second quarter was a second helping of the first. Kobe got hot, and got some support from Brian Cook, who has actually become one of the Lakers most consistant players. I noticed two things in the second. 1. Kwame Brown missed 7 lay-ups, no lie. 2. Kobe was wearing special purple tights.
The third quarter was where the game was won. The Celtics went on a big run with Pierce orchestrating every score. They were pushing the ball on a miss leading to open shots by Delonte and Wally. On a make they were taking the ball to the hoop, getting to the line and working the ball inside always finding the open man. Ryan Gomes played another brilliant game and subtly took over in the third. He hit two 15 foot jump shots demonstrating exactly how refined his game is, and came up with a huge offense of rebound for a 3 point play.
As for the Lakers, they had nothing to match the Celtics energy in the 3rd. In typical Kobe fashion, he choose the third period to disappear from all involvement of the game. I have never understood this about Kobe. Even when he played with Shaq, he would always go through long stretches where he would never be involved. I always thought it had something to do with sharing time with Shaq, but he does the same thing even playing with crap teamates. This is the biggest difference between Kobe and a great player like Paul. Every play runs through Paul, whether he is attacking, distributing, or decoying. With Kobe, if he's not scoring, he just disapears from the play. This is what he did in the third and this is what I think seperates Kobe from the truly great players. My favorite moment of the game came in the third when Kobe was guarding Pierce one on one and Pierce spun baseline, torched Kobe and jammed it. The next play Kobe had Pierce one on one, and Kobe blew by Pierce, only Pierce bear-hugged Kobe determined to stop Kobe from getting the easy hoop. This sequence was a perfect example of why Pierce is a better player.
Ironically it was while Kobe sat down for a breather late in the third that the Lakers went on a run, cutting the Celtics lead from 10 down to 5 early in the fourth. With Pierce also getting a blow, the Celtics tensed up and let the Lake Show back into the game. The Lakers went on a 9-0 run here to regain their momentum and the Celtics were back peddaling the rest of the way. Right when it looked like the Celtics might make one final run to blow the Lakers out for good, a sequence ensued where Kobe went climbing over Gomes' back to grab a defensive rebound and when he sent it up court to Odom for the lay-up Pierce cleanly swatted it, but instead was called for his 5th fould with 6 MINUTES LEFT!! Tommy then made the follwing comment, "GET LOST, GETTT LOOOSSSST!!!! CLEAAAN BLOCK!!!!" From this point on the refs went out of their way to F the Celts over and spoon feed Kobe a victory. Despite numerous Laker runs, the Celtics clung desperately to their 2, someitmes 4 point lead with Pierce hitting a clutch 3 and a fadeaway, and most importantly Gomes hitting another 15 footer and grabbing some timely offensive rebounds. To make matters worse Raef got elbowed in the face and had to leave the game for stiches, leaving Scal to play center. After Delonte fouled out w/ 3 to play Scal took a great charge, but immedietly on the next play forgot to shoot for a 24 second violation to quickly negate the first play.
With one minute to play, just as it looked like the Lakers would finally come up with a lead, Ryan Gomes had a HUGE tip in to give the Celts a 3 point lead with 45 seconds left. Of course the next play conisisted of a phantom Lamar Odom 3 point play to tie it with 15 seconds left. It was Paul Pierce time. "The Truth" drew a foul on Kobe himself with 3 seconds left to win the game with a single free throw.
No this game was not a Bird Magic, Cheif Kareem, McKale Worthy match-up, but it was pretty darn good. Pierce dominated Kobe when it counted and the Celts came away with their 3rd win of the road trip making for an uplifting evening.
GAME NOTES
-Delonte bounced back nicely from his 2 point game scoring 19 points and 11 assists, 4 boards
-Gomes brilliant !! 19 points 12 rebounds.
-Wally with a sh*t knee still scores 16, not bad.
-Kobe scores the worst 40 points, 8 boards, 6 assists I have ever seen. Kobe is also the only person I could ever say that about and actually have it be true.
-39 points, 7 boards, and 4 assists for "the truth." And he he didn't have to wear purple tights to get those numbers bisnatch.

-TOMMY QUOTE OF THE GAME: "The one thing you have to say about Brian Scalabrine...HE IS A SCRAPPER!.. REd heads are like that."
-Refs Grade: F minus, the game couldn't have been reffed any worse if David Stern called the game himself. Why not just give the frickin whistle to Phil "my butthole" Jackson.
Doc's Grade: A+, With Pierce in foul trouble, Delonte fouled out, and Raef getting stiches, plus the other half of his roster injuered to begin with, in a close game in a hostile arena with the refs trying to dick him over, I'd say Doc did a pretty good job.
Doc's Suit Grade. C-, Poop Brown. Nice suit bad color.

KOBE LOOKS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS UNREGISTERED SEX OFFENDER PREPARES TO LOOK TOUGH FOR GAME TONIGHT; CELTICS RESPOND THAT RAPE CHARGES DON'T GIVE YOU STREET CRED; KOBE CRIES

I hate Kobe Bryant. Not because he's a champion. Not because of his jump shot.

I hate him because his entire career he has either been a spoiled brat, a showboating asswipe, an egomaniac, a rapist, or all of these combined. While he is top-five talent in the NBA, I love to watch him fail, and I believe our Celtics, on a roll, will brutalize Kobe. The best part will be watching his henchmen on the Lakers secretely enjoy Kobe's struggles. Remember when they pretended to be excited about his 81-point game? It must be a nightmare playing with this jackass.

KEYS TO THE GAME
1. Make the Lakers a one-trick pony.
Kobe can't win the game by himself, barring an 81-point outburst. He doesn't shoot a high percentage, and never passes. If you shut down Kobe's 'supporting cast', the Lakers will struggle mightily as Kobe launches shot after shot, missing four before making one 'Sportscenter'-quality jumper.
2. The Truth will set us free.
Paul Pierce will be playing in his hometown against a player that he should have been compared with (in terms of talent only) his entire career. Consider this- he is averaging five points fewer than Kobe, but he has more rebounds, assists, and shoots a higher percentage. Paul can make a statement tonight, and don't think that he hasn't circled this game on his calender.
3. Punish the enemy.
The Lakers are one of the softest teams in the league. They play like pansies. The Celtics would be wise to attack the basket and box out hard. If the Lakers settle for jumpers, the Celtics will win easily.

Definitely a winnable game, but the refs may give the Lakers an edge. Kobe gets more calls than his Airness, and he is not even CLOSE to being as deserving.

PREDICTION
Celtics 95, Lakers and the Refs 91

A Red Heads Guide to Scoring Attractive Women

Now that the month of February has come to an end, we can offically close the books on another Valentines Day. While to most people Valentines Day is a joyous occasion filled with passion, romance, and love, there are those of us who dread its very existance. We are called "Red Heads." Were are also the ones who will tell you that its a disgusting corparate holiday created by heartless corperations the likes of Hallmark and Russel Stover for the sole purpose of sucking the pennies out of the American idiot. The truth is we don't hate valentines day, we are just really lonely... While the Harry Potters of the world are out wining and dining Hermione, us Ron Weasleys are stuck at home alone, fiddling with our magic wand. Why does this happen you might ask? Well besides the obvious fact that our skin is pale and our banter is stale, we lack the confidence needed to find a good woman. This is because the Red Headed population has never had an sufficient role model to look up to and boost our confidence. That is until now.

Move over Michael Rapaport, the Red Heads have found their new leader. Thanks to the Boston Celtics, a new fire-crotched superstar has emerged onto the national spotlight. Before chocolate milk comes squirting out of your nose, keep in mind I am not talking about Brian "Chicks Dig the Scal" Scalabrine. I've heard Scal has Valentines horror stories that make Carrot Top look like Arthur Fonzerelli. No, the man I speak of is Delonte West. This past month for Valentine Day, Delonte sat down with ESPN Page 2's Louise K. Cornettato to describe his idea of what a perfect romantic night would consist of. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=cornetta/060214

With his appearence in the Rookie/Sophmore All-Star Game, Delonte become a legitamate contender as the NBA's most eligable bachelor. Move over Mathew McConaughey. As you may have guessed by now, D-West is not your typical Red Head. He's got the street cred of Jay-Z, yet maintains the gentle masculinity of an Orlando Bloom. He's got it all, making him the perfect role model to motivate the Red Headed nation to get off their parents coach and go bag some babes. His Valentines Article provides us with the perfect game plan, so all you fire-bushes grab a pencil, because next Valentines we'll be rolling in the X chromosomes.


Delonte kicks off the interview by admitting that he's not the most romantic guy in the world and that his life could use a little more lovin'. For those of you who doubted that Delonte was a true "red head" there is your proof. You would think that being black, a great basketball player, and having millions of dollars would be enough to get you any woman at any moment, but the all mighty dollar is no match for the all mighty curse of red hair.
The first thing Delonte would do on the perfect date is tell his woman what to do.
" First, at my lady's work, I would send her a card giving her instructions for the night. Send it to her about midday, so the rest of the day, she has time to think about exactly what I had planned. I would tell her, she would have to wear white. She must have on a white dress, because I'm going to have on white. I'd have told her in the note, she has to wear her hair a certain way, just the way I like it."
My initial reaction to this was that girls woudn't like to be told what to do, how to dress, and how to do their hair, as Delonte inists on doing, but as I went to confirm this with my female friends, I quickly realized that my hair was red and I had no such friends. Don't think just follow his lead. Next Delonte specifically insists on having
"The Jim Jones pumping, you know, 'Summer in Miami' song pumping. Got to keep a little gangsta, you can't be too soft. You can't be in there playing some guy that's crying, talking about don't leave me and love me baby, wah wah and all that."
Here we go my red headed brothers. First step to getting babes, throw out all of our Nickelback CD's and find out who Jim Jones is. Were not known for keepin' it gangsta, but thats probably where we've been going wrong. "It's got to be a hot day, so I can drop the top in my SL [Mercedes]. I've got the white SL 500." Hmm.. most red heads probably don't have one of those and I don't suppose rolling down the windows in our Ford Focus Hatch back would have quite the same effect.
"So Jim Jones pumping and then from there, wind blowing through the hair, boom, we get straight to the point -- we eat afterwards because I don't want to kiss no onions. I don't want to kiss you tasting like onions and steak and mushrooms and everything."
While Delonte's comments sound extremely chovanistic, this statement is really just the red head in him crying out for help. What he's trying to say is "If I eat dinner with a girl, chances are I will end up talking to her, awkwardness will insew and my chances of us hooking up will become increasingly unlikely as the night goes on."
This is where teamate Oriene Greene interrupts him for the first time. "What, you taking her back to the Mot 6 [Motel 6]?" Oriene is clearly the man, and the fact that he calls it the Mot 6 suggests that he's taken a few girls back to the Mot himself.
"So, where we going then? You know, with the female readers, I might get me a superstar off this one. I might get me Beyonce or something." Smart tip from D-West. While most of us set our sights ridicuously low often resulting in further insecurity, Delonte shoots for the starts, fueling his confidence and leading to more hotties. "OK, so from driving the car, let's be real. I started off wining and dining and Rico Suave-ing it, then I'm going to have to hold to it and realistically, she's not going to get that every day." Now here Delonte is.......I actually have no idea what he just said there, but he did turn the name Rico Suave into a verb. Language innovation is a sure sign of keeping it real and thus a quick ticket to les femmes.

After Delonte expresses the need to do something special with his gal, Oriene quickly chimes in with a suggestion. "Take her to your yacht, dawg." While "O" makes a good suggestion, more importantly Greene demonstrates onces again that he's the sh*t. If I hung out with Oriene for a night, all it would take is one line the caliber of "take her to your yacht, dawg," and I would be up to my armpits in hoochies. You better believe I'll be using that one the next time I'm rollin' on hoes in Worcester.
Delonte takes Oriene's advice and describes the scene.
"Yeah, we're going to my yacht. We'll pull up at the docks and got a guy waiting for us, open our door up and we walk down a lit-up dock and onto the yacht, where we have dinner set up on the boat and we just cruise out on the water. Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine."
I completely agree with D on this one, only since most people aren't pro basketball players, "Moet Rose" is still a little out of our price range. My advice is to scale that down to a couple of Schlitz 40's. Sure they might taste like "urination" as Delonte would say, but I think he would approve cause they certaintly would get the job done when it comes to getting me and my lady krunked.
"So, we are done eating, man. OK, so from there, we're doing a midnight skinny-dipping jump. Alright?"
So you want to get your woman good and drunk and then use the ol' skinny dippin' ploy to get her to take her clothes, without sounding completely shameless. Genius stuff by Delonte here, but after that he seems to digress a bit.
"From there, hopefully she's got money because I hope Jaws gets her, boom, make sure she got me in the will, bank, I'm good. Oh well, shark got her! Jaws got her. Nah, we ain't going there."
I'm not exactly sure where that came from, but I am positive that Oriene was on the floor cracking up, while Louise K. Cornetta was sitting there terrified debating whether or not to make a run for the door.
Delonte quickly gets serious again.

"Do some skinny dipping, but keeping it clean fun, don't need to get all right to the point, you know, keeping it clean. Boom, get back, take her back home. Give her a kiss, tell her I enjoyed my night, let's do it again. I don't want her in a situation, because skinny-dipping, she'll already be shaky about doing that if it's an early date, but most likely she will [skinny-dip], but I don't want to end up in one of those situations where you're feeling the mood too much and you try to press the situation and you came all out your hook up. And now you leave feeling lame because you'd try to force the issue and she really wasn't with it, and I know that's happened to a lot of guys out there, you done and feel the night a little too much. So, just keep it nice and easy, and I think from there she'd have a good enough impression where she might want to do it again."
Behind all the street talk Delonte truly is a sweet guy. (At this point Louise starts to relax a little) After hearing everthing Delonte has to say she asks him if he's a big Valentines day fan. To everyone's surprise he is not. Turns out Delonte falls into the category of red heads that who thinks Valentines day is too comercial and that there is too much pressure to spend big bucks on your woman.


"I hate it because -- you got to make sure you print this -- it's the biggest misconception. There's been couples that have fell out on Valentine's Day because the guy has forgot or didn't do anything special. But before Valentine's Day, for two weeks in advance, at every store, you see cards and balloons with Happy Valentine's Day, candy on sale: Two for $49.99 and the mini one for $19.99, and each female that is in that store shopping, three, four times a week, sees everything she probably going to get, so is it really that special?"
The big difference is that Delonte backs this up by explaining that he believes in loving and romancing because you really feel that way, not because you have to.
"I think it's more special if it's just the guy happens to give her flowers on a Monday and say Happy Monday and not wait for the world to say, 'On this day, give your wife flowers.' See, if she doesn't know she's getting flowers and she gets them, she'll say, 'Oh, this is the most beautiful thing you've ever done for me.' I think Valentine's Day is just a day for candy makers and card makers to make some more money. I think you should be romantic on your own time."
This way the girl doesn't know its coming and she knows its genuine. More importantly, if you ever forget Valentines day that is the perfect thing to say.
Lastly, Delonte offers his final thoughts.
"One more thing: When we're on the yacht eating, we're going to have some Popeyes chicken. That's for dinner. It's to let her know, put a mental image on her mind, first and foremost, if you ain't from the hood, you don't like Popeyes chicken. Everyone there loves Popeyes chicken and the biscuits -- phew. But that's just getting it on her mind, saying, you know, 'Yeah, I can wine and dine you, but I'm a little rough around the edges and I'm keeping it real with you. I can be romantic, but this is real, we're going to eat some chicken tonight. Chicken and biscuits.'"


You heard it from the man himself. Its about keepin' real. Delonte may be a superstar, but that doesn't mean he's going to stop being himself. Popeyes chicken and biscuits symbolizes being true to yourself, while the puddles and puddles of grease represents the tough times we've all been through. That sweet tender chicken breast represents all the people that you care about.

If you wade through the biscuits, boose, and booty, Delonte's take on women is quite straight forward. Wine and dine them, make them feel special whether that be taking them to your yacht or to the Mot 6, but at the same time don't be afraid to show them who you really are. A simple message, but one that is often ignored by red heads in an attempt to impress girls. It worked for Napolean Dynamite, it worked for Richie Cunningham on Happy Days, heck it even worked for Scal, the goofy bastard's married!

If us red heads follow this basic advice, next year it will be our parents that will be lonely, as we're out on real dates wining and dining that special someone.

CELTICS HIGH AFTER BLAZIN' PORTLAND, HANSEN MAKES THAT JOKE FOR 7th TIME THIS SEASON

Last night the C's extended their West Coast road trio record to 2-1 after they lit the Blazers up for 102 points in a 6 point victory.
-Despite missing the last couple of games with a bum knee, Wally World bounced right back w/ 25 points.
-Despite missing the last couple of games being sick, Tom Heinson bounced back calling a terrific game, dishing out Tommy points and shout outs to the Red Head in Needam.
-Paul played his 2 millionth clutch game of the year scoring 35 points 7 rebounds and 7 assists.
-Delonte had one of his first off games of the year only scoring 2 points and 0 assists. The fact that this was so notable is a testiment to how well he has played this seaon.
-SCAL WATCH: In the second quarter Scal actually hit two 3 pointers in a row. I was amazed. It rose his season field goal percentage from 14% to 15%. He finished the game with 6 points, 2 rebounds, two assists, and 7 Fish Fillet Sandwiches.
-The only thing keeping the Blazers in the game was their outside shooting, and no Im not talking about firearms. Suck it Portland. Rookie Martell Webster had a career night scoring 24 points and 8 rebounds. Nice to see he is not corrupted yet. He was deadly from the outside and single handedly kept the Blazers in the game in the first half.
-In addition to Zac Randolph,'s 19 points, Darius Miles also picked up the scoring slack coming off the bench with 16 points 8 boards, 1 assist, and 4 bong hits.
-YAMA HAMA! 7 foot Korean Seung-Jin is huge. He is the bigest asian man I have ever seen. He may be a few inches shorter than Yao, but his head is like honestly 40 times the size of Yao's.
-Ryan Gomes. The guy is the man. 12 boards in the first half, 17 for the game, and 13 points to go with. This is a guy people said couldn't play power foward. 17 boards for a rookie whos been getting limited time= legitamate power foward. He got more rebounds than Mark Blount averages in 20 seconds.
-GAME NOTES: Portland Sucks.

Portland Ready to Come Out Guns Blazing

TELFAIR HAS FIFTY PILLOWS FULL OF GUNS READY TO GO

The Celtics head to Portland today to play the Jailblazers, who we recently beat 115-83 in the *Ryan Gomes Coming-Out Party*. Although the Blazers just picked up the Ukraine Train in a trade, I don't believe it will be enough for the Blazers to win, because the Blazers will be distracted trying to transfer all of Ruben Patterson's sex offender information to Colorado.

KEYS TO THE GAME
1) Find a third scorer.
It was Raef in the first matchup. With Delonte stepping up in Wally's absence, someone needs to fill the position of complementary scorer. It could be Raef again, because the Blazers are too lazy to rotate to the perimeter.
2) Stop Zach Randolph.
Stop their one stud, and you've got them. Let him go, and the Blazers' shooters can pick you apart.
3) Dominate the boards.
Crappy teams like the Blazers thrive when they get second chances. The Blazers miss a lot of shots, so the Celtics are going to have to dominate the boards. Look no further than the first game, when the Celtics outrebounded the Blazers 38-22.
4) Get a lead early, dominate the third period.
The Celtics are getting pretty good at this, so it wouldn't hurt to get some extra practice.

Prediction:
Celtics 115, Blazers 83

BP in SLC, Part II (The Game)

So, after the warmups and the National Anthem, I walked up to my seat as the fans streamed in.

Wow.

I have never been in an NBA arena before and been worried that I had accidentally walked into a nursing home. The average age of a Jazz fan must be 95 years. The only fans that aren't tiny kids or ancient zombies have mullets. Mullets everywhere. I have documented this fact to the right.

So, we went back to our seats, and I immediately scanned the crowd for Celtics fans. I found a ten-year-old girl sitting right in front of us, and she was fiesty to say the least so I knew that I could be obnoxious and she would have my back.

The game started as a mess- the refs were calling wack fouls on Pierce, the Jazz scored what seemed to be their first 30 points on layups, and all dribbling not done by Delonte appeared to be done with fists rather than hands. Midway through the second quarter, the Jazz had a 13 point lead, Pierce was out of the game, and Ben was getting upset. Doc was preparing his halftime speech of "let's just give our best effort out there", the fans were starting to talk about the other scores from around the NBA... it was about to get ugly.

Then, Delonte drained two three-pointers to pull the Celtics within four, and all of a sudden we had the following situation: a close game against an erratic team and our star had been on the bench. How did the Celtics possibly stay in this game? They were turning the ball over like crazy and they were shooting terribly. It was all Delonte.

Then, in the third quarter, it was all Paul Pierce. He went 6-6 from the field and nearly outscored the Jazz as a team in the period. The Celtics took the round 37-17. The fans started to boo like crazy- either that or they were moaning "braaaaaaains."

Watching Pierce take over the game was exciting. Anyone who thinks we should trade him is NUTS. He is one of the few players in the league that can completely dominate offensively. He destroyed the Jazz, and that was with AK47 on him the whole game. No big deal, you say? Well, he's an All-Defensive team player and he had 8 blocks last night. AK47 is great at D, and Pierce lit him up.

Here is a list of players that said that Paul is one of the most difficult in the league to guard:
1) Artest
2) TMac
3) Lebron
4) AK47

Check out this part of the Salt Lake Tribune article about the game:

Kirilenko's eyes started to tear in the locker room as he talked in a shaky voice about his frustrations and inability to stop Pierce. He played just four minutes in the final quarter because of his inept defense, but his small consolation was that none of his teammates could do any better.

Classic.

If the Jazz had Pierce, they would be a top-four team in the Western Conference. They don't have anyone that can take a defender off the dribble, and that is why they struggle on offense. There is no substitute available for Pierce- not in the NBA, not in Europe, not in college.

At the end of the third quarter, the ten-year-old female Celtics fan started talking smack with a little boy, same age, right in front of her. It got heated quickly.

"You're losing!" C's fan shouted.
"So what, you suck!" Jazz fan shouted back.
"Shut up!"
"No!"

With that, this chick reaches back and decks the little boy in the face like Bird and Dr. J. Now, I thought the two kids were cousins or something, but no. They were strangers, and it was great. Not only were we winning the battle on the court, but we were winning in the stands, as well.

At the end of the third, Jazz fans started shuffling awkwardly (like the undead are known to do) out of the stadium. Arrive late, leave early... sweet. It opened up a spot right under the basket and we swooped in.

One of my favorite moments of the game came soon afterwards. Doc went to talk to the refs by the scorer's table, and Pierce just got up and followed him, taking off his sweats. Doc looked at Pierce and said, clearly, "What are you doing?"

Pierce looked at him, shrugged, and walked back to the bench laughing. You have to love a star player that tries to check himself back into a game when winning by 20. It was also nice to see that Doc didn't fold and put him in- it gave the illusion that Doc is in control of this team. But could he resist the Peischman?!?

It was great sitting with the Jazz season ticket holders, because the Celtics kept on beating the hell out of Utah in hilarious ways. Kandi Man hit hook shots that surprised everyone, including the man that shot them, when they went in. Nobody twists the knife in a blowout like the Kandi Man.

With the game decided, I started screaming for Gerald Green, and I mean screaming. Some people probably thought I was being eaten my a zombie named Gerald Green. I was definitely within earshot, and before I knew it, GG was headed over to the scorer's table.

"I own Doc Rivers!" I said to my wife. "Now, I have to scream for Jones."

"You mean that guy Doc's talking to?" my wife responded.

The mind-meld was complete. Doc was my puppet. I was coaching the Celtics by proxy, and I must say that I made some killer coaching moves in the final minutes. Just as I leaned back to admire my handiwork, some jackass behind me started chanting, "Celtics suck!"

Odd timing, considering we were enjoying a twenty-point lead and the Jazz were still booing themselves. Before I could respond, a gaggle of C's fans arrived and started yelling words that this Jazz fan had probably never heard before. Come to think of it, it may have been the first time an f-bomb had been dropped in the state of Utah.

So, it seemed fitting that we entered the game to Raef and a trainer softly humping at center court and left under a hail of profanity. A perfect end to a perfect night.

Now, for the grades and superlatives!

MVP: Although Pierce was huge in the third quarter, Delonte was the reason the Celtics were in this game. DWest was awesome, and local sports radio was going nuts about why the Jazz didn't draft him. Sorry guys, you got Chris Humphries instead. Psyche!

LVP: OGreene. Ouch. A million fouls, most of them offensive. He did have a nice dunk, but after he went out in the fourth after picking up another offensive foul, he looked likes someone had just stolen his bike, had sex with his girlfriend, and pooped in his breakfast cereal.

Doc's Grade: It wasn't really Doc, it was more me, and you know I will never give myself anything below an "A". I liked how I didn't empty the bench until a couple minutes left, because you could tell that Tony Allen was getting more and more confident on the floor, and Gomes needs as much time as we're able to get him.
Doc made two excellent decisions in this game.
1) Keeping Pierce in the third when he picked up his fourth foul. Pierce dominated the rest of the period, and won the game for the Celtics.
2) Going to the soft 2-1-2 press in the third. This totally took the Jazz out of their game. They couldn't get the ball up the court quickly enough to work it inside, where they scored almost all their points in the first half. By the time the Jazz got the ball inside, they almost had a shot-clock violation. Plus, it protected Pierce from picking up another foul. Great, great coaching move.

Ref's Grades: D-
NBA refs look even worse in person. I would say that four out of Pierce's five fouls were retarded. One of them was especially outrageous, AK47 drove to the basket and Pierce lost his balance. AK47 jumped into Pierce's back and flailed his arms, and they called a foul on Pierce. The refs in the NBA are lightyears behind the quality of the players.

Biggest "uh oh" moment: Watching Tony Allen and GG hang out before the game. Let's just hope they weren't discussing the best way to purchase an unlicensed handgun.

Best shot: Pierce's halfcourt shot from a butterfly stretch during warmups. Blew my mind.

Worst jinx: My telling Wally to light it up led to him playing for three minutes total and bruising his knee. I'll take the blame for that one.

Biggest spazz: Tony Allen, who on one play in the second half had an uncontested path to the basket from midcourt. He dribbled the ball off his knee twice, almost lost it out of bounds, and finally hit a difficult layup with no one guarding him.

Best block: Scalabrine's stuff of Okur in the fourth was great. Okur looked like he was about to cry, and Scal looked like a kid on Christmas.

Some random notes from the game:
-Deron Williams plays with a grimace on his face as if he were saying, "You guys are a bunch of morons!" It's strange because he is shooting 38% for the season with two turnovers per game in limited time.
-Carlos Boozer wears Air Newark's shoes. I loved that because Boozer has been out for over a year with a 'hamstring tweak'- conveniently after getting a huge long-term contract. Sound like anyone we know and hate?
-The Kandi Man seems like a likable dude. He's just lazy unless the ball is within his reach.
-The Celtics look like they get along with each other really well. I remember watching the team during the Pitino Years, and the players looked tired and irritable all the time.

OVERALL PROJECTION:
The Celtics are headed in the right direction. GO CELTS!

Ho hum.... nothing gets done...

The trade deadline has come and gone, with no major moves.

-Denver sent Earl Watson and Byron Russell to the Sonics, Portland sent Ruben Patterson and Charles Smith to Denver, and the Blazers got the Ukraine Train and Voshon Lenard. Thrilling.

-In other trade news, Marc Jackson and Linton Johnson were dealt from the Nets to the Hornets for Bostjan Nashbar. This move is will be the difference maker for both teams, because that 11th and 12th spot on any team is critical. If you've heard of more than two of those players, I'm impressed.

-However, I have not weighed in on the Steve Francis deal yet, mostly because it's so retarded that it's impossible to make fun of. I do love how the Knicks have become the Australia of the NBA- a refuge for players that nobody wants. The Magic gave up Francis for an expiring contract and Trevor Ariza, and Isiah is stoked. I wonder if opposing GM's just feel guilty doing business with the Knicks.

In all seriousness, the Knicks should be dumping salaries like crazy so they can go after Carmelo in 2007. Instead, they're trading their expiring contracts for overpaid slouches like Jalen Rose and Steve Francis. They are doing the exact opposite of what they need to do. They have a huge team salary, no players that anybody wants (except Frye), no draft picks, and an idiot GM. Has there ever been a team in a worse position than the Knicks right now?

-The Clippers signed Vin Baker. Um... that was the punchline.

CELTS PLAY TOUGH, DROP CLOSE ONE TO SUNS

YOUNGSTERS TAKE OVER AS PIERCE STRUGGLES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME

Suns 103, Celtics 94

Pierce went 8-28 from the floor in this one- ouch. You can't expect him to win every game every night, folks!

However, despite their star struggling, the Celtics played tough. Delonte West was not a half-court-shot-making one-trick-pony, he had a great all-around game, scoring 30 points and dishing out 5 assists to only one turnover.

Gerald Green had a coming-out party, scoring 13 points and grabbing 9 rebounds. Holy hell! I told you yesterday that this kid was for real...

In the end, the Suns had just a little bit more firepower than the Celtics, and each quarter they outscored the C's by a couple of points. Now, you never EXPECT to lose, but this would have been a major upset win for the Celtics if they were to beat a top-tier Western Conference team on a road back-to-back. The Celtics played tough, and it was definitely not a step backwards. In fact, the fact that Delonte and Gerald got loose a little suggests to me that the Celtics are growing. A month ago we would have lost this game by 30.

MVP: Delonte!

LVP: N/A- everyone played at least average. Raef had a crappy shooting night, but I'll never complain about getting 12 rebounds from the guy.

Doc's Grade: B+
The Celtics played with fire despite being in the second game of a road back-to-back. Getting Gerald in the game will always get some extra points from me.

UP NEXT:
Friday @ Portland.

BP in SLC- Part I (Pregame)

I could barely contain my excitement while driving into Salt Lake City last night to see my first and only Celtics game of the season. Ever since Vin Baker had been picked up by the Clippers, I have felt that anything was possible. My lovely Celtics-loving bride and I arrived nice and early to try to give Tommy and Mike Gorman some I*Heart*Celtics shwag (which will be available for public purchase very soon), to meet Brian Doo, and hobnob with the players.

As we arrived, Wally and Raef were getting warmed up an hour before tipoff. Wally was shooting free throws and trying to avoid the gruesome sight of Raef getting his groin stretched out by some dude in windpants using a technique that they probably got out of a Kama Sutra book.

As Wally left the floor, he stopped to sign autographs. I told him, "Shoot the lights out, Wally World!"

He smiled. Our eyes locked. I gasped. He winked. He leaned in, and with his husky voice, said "I'll try." My heart went pitter-patter pitter-patter, and I puked all over the place.

When Raef left the floor, he looked like he needed a cigarette and a nap. Yikes. I left him alone.

I went searching for Tommy. Unfortunately, Tommy was "under the weather", according to Mike Gorman, who was burning through chapstick like Scalabrine burns through cupcakes. He was pretty busy, but he took some time to talk to the fans. However, when some creep in a Latrell Sprewell jersey started sputtering about how he went to all of Heinsohn's grandson's basketball games at Tufts, Gorman hightailed it the hell out of there, leaving me high and dry.

Undeterred, my wife and I camped out under the Celtics' basket as the players warmed up. Doc Rivers stepped on to the court with his staff, and based on his body language, I'll bet this is what was said: "Guys, quick, what do you know about the Utah Jazz? They any good?"

Scalabrine was the first one to test the air, and he drained a three-ball.

"ALL NIGHT, VEAL!" I shouted.

The Big Red Machine smiled. On the surface, he looked calm and ready TO DROP BOMBS. And he did- but that always happens when Scal hits an all-you-can eat cheese buffet before the game. Having sufficiently pumped up Veal, I focused my attention on the youngster, Gerald Green.

Holy crap.

This was so exciting, I can't even explain it- watching Gerald Green warm up is like watching a superhero begin to understand his powers. This kid was absolutely draining threes from five feet behind the arc. He has a quick release, nice follow-through, and good rotation on the shot. He gets a shooter's bounce. He was taking alley-oops and his face was level with the rim.

The best part, however? Paul Pierce was being a good captain and giving the kid pointers on taking a defender off the dribble. Gerald was listening closely and following Pierce's example. He's learning from the best! Just ask Ron Artest who the toughest player to guard in the NBA is. AK47 found out the hard way, but more on that later.

I shouldn't have to say this, but Paul Pierce is the man. He went around talked to every player before the game to get them all ready. Once he was warmed up a little, he started stretching at midcourt. The ball bounced to him as he was doing a butterfly stretch. Pierce picked it up and without hesitating chucked it at the basket.

BANG!

Unbelievable. I thought H-O-R-S-E was a dumb idea for the All-Star game until I saw this shot- it totally blew my mind. Sitting from halfcourt? Outrageous. I knew the Celtics had this game.

COMING UP IN THE NEXT EPISODE
Fights! Mullets! Zombies! Victory! It shall not disappoint!

CELTICS DESTROY JAZZ

ANGRY MORMON ZOMBIES BOO OWN TEAM IN BLOWOUT ROAD WIN; PAUL PIERCE CASUALLY DRINKS A SIERRA MIST IN BETWEEN JUMPERS

I was at the game today, and will give a full report tomorrow. I have to say it was one of the most enjoyable games I have ever attended in person. As a teaser, I promise to discuss:

-my curse of Wally
-my mind meld on Doc
-trash talking with a band of six-year-olds
-a fistfight between two third graders
-the most random "Celtics suck" chant of all time
-a stadium full of mullets and old people
-Gerald Green's outside shot
-Carlos Boozer's shoes
-Paul Pierce's
-proof that NBA refs are either incompetent or corrupt (or both)
-argument that Delonte is the best shooter in the game
-smack talk about the Jazz

and of course, a full analysis of Scalabrine's game.

FORTHCOMING!

Celtics Versus Jazz

CELTICS PREPARE TO DO BATTLE AGAINST CRANKY OLD FART, 'MIRACLE MILT', A FEW SPLAY-SHOOTING EUROPEANS, LOOZER, THE GUY DRAFTED BEFORE CHRIS PAUL, GREG FREAKING OSTERTAG, AND THE OTHER COLLINS TWIN

Although I am from Massachusetts, I currently live in the state of Utah. I used to love the X-Files- before I had to live in one.

Since I am a sports radio fanatic, I have spent considerable time listening to local radio, and people here LOVE the Jazz. I know the Jazz pretty well now, so here's a crash course.

-Their name, the Jazz, makes no sense. I'm pretty sure jazz music was only legalized here in the late 1980's. Salt Lake City is almost as jazzy as Baghdad.

-Their coach, Jerry Sloan, is by far the most overrated coach in the NBA, perhaps of all time. He rode Stockton and Malone for his entire career, and now that they are gone he is clueless. Sure- I give him all the credit in the world for running that brilliant offense called "Give the ball to Stockton and run the pick and roll", and I feel bad for the guy because Karl Malone was the worst crunch time player ever, but please- just like Phil Jackson should have won with Jordan/Pippen and Kobe/Shaq, Sloan should have won with arguably the best point guard and power forward duo EVER. Play them each for 38 minutes a night and it's a virtual guarantee to win 55-62 games a season.

While winning Coach of the Year (so did Doc Rivers, Jerry), Sloan failed to develop any players to replace the stars once they left. Sloan hates talent. He really, really didn't want Chris Paul. He criticizes AK47 endlessly. He is a lot like John Kerry, mostly in appearance (although Sloan does not BOTOX). However, like Kerry, he is quick with criticism, slow with solutions, boring, sponges off of the success of others, and takes far too much credit for doing very, very little.

-Sloan takes himself so seriously that he fails to see the hypocrisy in the following series of events:
1) He complains about the lack of sportsmanship in the NBA, saying that it shows what kind of ammoral society we live in. We hear this lecture every day in Utah.
2) A day later, embarks with his team on the annual Christmas-time road trip. Why does Sloan ask for a road trip at this time every year? He thinks that family time during the holidays is "a distraction".

-If you want a drafting horror show, look at the Utah Jazz-thanks almost entirely to Sloan, by the way, because he is such an egomaniac he dominates the whole franchise Pitino-style. In 2000, they took DeShawn Stevenson. In 2001, they drafted Raul Lopez over Tony Parker because (NO JOKE) Lopez was cheaper. In 2002, they went for Ryan Humphries and then traded for Curtis Borchardt. In 2003, they went for Alexsander Pavlovic. In 2004, they went with Kris Humphries and Kirk Snyder (instead of Big Al, BTW). Then, this past year, with the third pick in the draft, they took Deron Williams over Chris Paul. They have built NOTHING from their drafts. They haven't drafted trade bait, they haven't traded their draft picks for established players... nothing.

-Deron Williams has the potential to be one of the biggest busts in NBA history. Williams over Chris Paul?!? That's not even the worst of it! Of all the point guards taken in the draft that made their team, and I count seven of them, Williams is probably doing the worst. Even Travis Diener can hit an open jumper.

As bad as the Jazz are at drafting players, they are even worse at developing them. Williams actually got off to a strong start this season. He's an excellent drive-and-kick and up-tempo passer, but Jerry Sloan started benching him for no reason, berating him in the press, and yanking him when the poor kid even thought about making a mistake. Now, Williams won't take the ball to the basket, never shoots, and looks like he just wants to go home. Sloan is ruining him. Meanwhile, Chris Paul is allowed to actually direct an offense and is playing great.

The Jazz are starting to play Williams at the two guard and putting future Hall of Famers Milt Palacio and Keith McCloud at point. The problem is this- Williams cannot shoot, cannot create his own shot, and does not have the inclination to try to do either-thanks to Sloan. He's like Ben Wallace with a handle.

The Jazz drafted him because he is a pass-first point and he has an "NBA body", whatever the hell that means. Why do the Jazz hold this in such high regard? They went to the NBA Finals twice with John Stockton as their point guard- who was smaller than Chris Paul and couldn't touch the net if Karl Malone threw him in the air.

-People here can't stand Carlos Boozer, and for good reason. The guy keeps cashing checks without doing anything. He's like Vin Baker, only without the drinking problem. That's funny, because his name is BOOZER. Like, booze=alcohol. GET IT?!?

-Mehmet Okur is thriving in Utah, because he shoots whenever he touches the ball. If you want a drinking game that will guarantee that you won't have to call a taxi at the end of the night, take a shot every time Mehmet passes. You could play this game as a good Mormon and not have a problem. He's a chucker, folks.

-The Jazz play really hard every night, and are a good defensive team. AK47 can play defense on anybody, and is the best shot-blocker in the league. Matt Harpring is a perfect Jazz guy. White, almost brain-dead, spastic, and dirty. The Jazz make you win ugly, which the Celtics have had trouble doing all season.

KEYS TO VICTORY
1. Pack the inside and make the Jazz shoot jumpers. Their "shooter" is Gordon Giricek, who shoots 30% from outside. Their best shooter is Okur, who shoots 36% from downtown. This team is so bad at shooting it's mind-boggling. When someone on the Jazz hoists a three-ball, you immediately wonder who's going to get the rebound.

2. Take the ball to the basket. AK47 is an amazing shot blocker, which turns a lot of teams away from the paint. However, AK does get into foul trouble, and he's all they've got inside. Okur jumps like he's wearing cement shoes.

3. Get a lead. This would be great for the C's and a kick in the nuts to the Jazz. The Jazz get blown out a lot when they lose, mostly because they go through droughts on offense where they decide to play keep away until a shot clock violation. The Celts are starting to hit their stride, and it would be a big boost if they could start rolling early.

PREDICTION
Jazz shoot 29% from the field and 60% from the line, Celtics win 89-70 behind Pierce's 38 points.

News and Notes

-ESPN.com continues to push the possibility of a Pierce-for-Garnett trade, proving once again that it is a corporation bent on endless self-promotion. Does anyone trust ESPN for news anymore? It's a cheap gossip rag. If CNN.com was run like ESPN.com, the headline would be, every day, "HUMAN RACE DOOMED", or "PRESIDENT BUSH DRUNKENLY ORDERS NUCLEAR ATTACK ON NEW ORLEANS" citing "unspecified sources close to the organization".

-The Steve Francis situation proves how idiotic NBA organizations are. Here's what the Magic did:
1) Used a career malcontent that can't take orders from anyone as the centerpiece for their rebuilding process.
2) Surrounded that player with marginally talented vets and really, really young players.
3) Put said malcontent in a ball-control offense that he bitterly hates.
4) Suspend the guy when the inevitable meltdown occurs.
5) Make it abundantly clear that you no longer want him on your team.
6) Realize that not only is there no market for a shoot-first point guard (the Knicks have cornered that market), then realize that you have permanently destroyed the fragile psyche of your malcontent- so much that he shoots 35% from the field, averages 9 points in 40 minutes, and craps out turnovers like Scalabrine after an all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet.
7) Since the malcontent is playing like crap, it drives his market value down even more.
8) Accept that you will either have to live with a player that hates his life, or trade him for basically D-League talent.

-The NBA is changing a rule, and it reads:

• When a player on the receiving end of a punching, elbowing or flagrant category two foul is unable to attempt his foul shots, one of the four teammates who were on the court when the foul happened would be able to take the free throws in his place. Under current rules, the team that committed the foul can choose any player on the opposing team -- even someone on the bench -- to shoot the free throws.

I can't believe this was still a rule. Let me get this straight- if you foul someone so hard that they have to leave the game, YOU choose who shoots the free throws? Who does that punish? That would be like committing a crime, getting convicted, and then deciding on what your sentence should be.

If David Stern wants us to respect the refs, fix the %*^&^*@# rulebook.

-My wife and I will be attending the Jazz-Celtics game here in Utah tomorrow night, and I could not be more excited. Full scouting report forthcoming.

All Star News, Notes, and Reactions

-The Slam Dunk Contest was amazing. The best moment, however, was when Josh Smith randomly put down a piece of tape three feet in front of the foul line, then did a normal dunk from inside the foul line. What was the tape for, Josh? Talk about a fall from grace- that would be like Bird wearing the warm-up jersey and then hitting three shots.

-I loved Sir Charles crack on Hakim Warrick that he was "well rested" coming into the competition. It was made funnier because Warrick didn't seem to have prepared at all. What has he been doing all year?

-Iguodala's dunk from underneath the basket was the best of the contest, but he should have saved it for the end. However, Robinson deserved to win, because he is a FOOT SHORTER than AI2 and his average dunk was far more spectacular.

-The Skills contest has to be replaced. The format at the moment is designed to take away all athleticism of the contestant. It's for dorks who practice their bounce passes in their parent's driveway, not for 6'8" point guards with a 48" vertical. This brings me to my next point-

-The NBA should hold an American Idol-style tryout to compete in the All-Star game against the pros. Some Indiana white boy could shoot against Dirk. Prisoners could dunk against Nate Robinson. It would certainly jazz up the weekend.

-The team chemistry of Tony Parker, random WNBA chick, and Steve Kerr was the X-Factor that carried them to victory in the 'Shooting Stars' competition. My favorite part of this contest was watching Lisa Leslie brick lay-ups over and over again. I couldn't wait to buy my WNBA Full-Court Pass.

-If the NBA had any other broadcast team doing the All-Star weekend other than TNT, this would have been a debacle. Kenny "The Jet" Smith and Charles Barkley are the best in the business.

-Walter McCarty singing the National Anthem on Saturday was my favorite moment of the weekend. He nailed it!

-The Truth absolutely deserved to be on the team, and he showed it. Gilbert Arenas? WOOF!

-Ben Wallace has to be the most overrated multiple-time All-Star ever. He can't catch a pass in traffic. He has hands like greasy hams. He went for zero points in 24 minutes. The man shoots 48% from the field- and that's only dunks and layups. He can't dribble. He can't pass. He goes 45% from the line. If the NBA is interested in returning fundamentals to the game, they should ban anyone who regularly airballs foul shots from the All-Star game, otherwise, they might find someone airballing foul shots at the All-Star game... again.

-LeBron took this game waaay too seriously. He was playing like it was Game 7 of the NBA Finals, but the All-Star Game MVP Trophy was made for these people. Go to the playoffs, LeBron. Win a close game, LeBron. Or... just save up for the All-Star game every year. Reminds me of a certain quarterback...

LeBron = Peyton Manning? Quite frankly...

-Paul is saying that he isn't worried about the trade rumors, but I can tell you who is watching closely- Big Al, Perk, Gomes, Delonte, and Gerald. Nobody wants to play for a team that will stab you in the back when things aren't going well.

McDonald's Celbrity Game? Radioshack Shooting Stars? Get some new sponsors, and some new events.

Over the years NBA all-star Saturday night has gone through a lot of changes. All of them for the worse. First they decided to stretch out the festivities to two nights, changing the always awesome Legends game to the one-two punch of the overhyped and boring repetitive unoriginal T-Mobile Rookie challenge and the pathetic McDonald's "Celebrity" game Presented by 2K sports. First of all, what the hell is with the double sponsorship on the names of these events? I'm sorry, I would much rather see Bird and Isiah exchange their suits and ties for short shorts and tank tops and settle the score than have to watch "celebrity" Chris Merloni argue with a ref over a charge call on fellow "celeb" Access Hollywood's Tony Potts. Is that really the NBA's A-list? Either way, I don't really watch the Friday night events because they just aren't really that inviting, not to mention the fact that Stephen A. Smith will undoubtedly be there screaming about himself in shameless self-promotion and trying to pretend he's friends with Nelly. And where exactly is the challenge in the Rookie challenge? I didn't see a single shot challenged all night. I haven't seen the defense rest like that since Tony Allen's lawyer's saw the videotape of him breaking a man's eye-socket. And tonights Radioshack shooting stars? As much as i want to watch Kendra Wecker of the San Antonio Shooting Stars shooting friggin elbow shots, I'd rather just skip to the three-point contest, the only event that actually still delivers, most of the time.

I could go on forever with quips over the All-Star weekend, but I think I'd rather funnel my energies into a more constructive endeavor. To rejuvenate the All-Star weekend ghost town, I have come up with some new event ideas for next year's event. Consider this a memo to you, Mr. Stern, some ideas to spice up the weekend that won't have fans booing at the dunk contest, a phenomenon that has permeated the previous two contests. You don't even have to bump your boring TNT tv schedule, as these events will all air on other specialty channels to reach a larger demographic! So without further ado:

Oliver Miller's kitchen: Presented by Hungry Man Microwavable Dinners:
(Food Network)
In this crowd-pleasing event, former Phoenix Sun/Harlem Globetrotter/Food Enthusiast Oliver Miller would square off with fellow carb-vaccuum Brian Scalabrine and the Utah Jazz's all time leader in Double Quarter-Pounders with cheese swallowed without chewing Mel Turpin to see who make the most baskets doing the Mikan drill while simultaneously eating a 38 oz. flank-steak hanging from the net. The winner gets to eat Nate Robinson.

BALCO's Qyntel Woods' Underground Dog/Mascot fighting Extreme presented by GNC:
(Spike TV)
Although he is an all-star of my heart every year just by sticking it to the man by not putting a "u" after the "Q" in his name, my boy Woods who once gave a cop a basketball card of himself when he was asked for I.D. is depressingly absent from the festivities year after year. In this exciting event, Woods would bring his finest fighting mongrels to square off in a muddy pit at center court with the NBA's finest mascots, bets accepted in cash, jewelry, gold teeth, and bullets. Your somersaults and back flips ain't gonna amount to much in the hellish dog-pit are they Lucky? Looks like your luck just ran out, and theres a doberman hanging from your jugular. See you in hell.

Miller High Life's Darryl "Chocolate Thunder" Dawkins and Darrell "Dr. Dunkenstein" Griffeth's Sexophonic Phunk-N-Dunk-Off presented by Hallmark:
(Cinemax On-Demand)
Haven't quite figured this one out, but add the following to your shopping list for this event Comissioner Stern: roller skates, Jimmy Bo-Horn "Spank" CD Single, 2scented candles, 2 smoking jackets, inflatable furniture, a rotating bed, phillie blunt cigars, ass-pants, coloring books, bubble bath, hair spray, injury release waiver forms, coconut milk, pink feathers, 2 ridable clydesdales, smoke machine, party hats, fondue fountain, replacement backboards, croquet set, blind fold, unicorn pinata, andre champagne, pan-pipes, gun-shaped cigarette lighter, pure sugar cane, margarita mix, and a Miller High-Life dispensing fire hydrant.

Oregan State Correctional Facilities' Solitary Confinement Challenge: Portland Trail Blazers Edition, presented by Schlitz Bull Ice
(Court TV)
In this exciting spin on the prison system, we will lock Ruben Patterson, Darius Miles, Sebastian Telfaire, and Zach Randolph in a single solitary confinement cell, put them in straight-jackets, and see who the first to commit a felony is. Approximate run-time 3 mintes, 28 seconds. Hosted by Jeff Probst.

All-Star Shoe Review

The NBA All-Star game is a marketing freakfest. Every shoe company releases its new lines for its All-Star clients. Check out this link if you want to see some of the old favorites. I don't really understand all the "Got Milk" references... but whatever.

Anywho, I took the liberty of grading these shoes, so that you can be a wise consumer.

Check out the gallery, courtesy of ESPN, and follow along!

Lebron (Zoom Lebron III, $125)- King James is reliable- he will give you numbers, he will say the right thing, and his shoes will suck royally. Where is he going with this one? To make matters worse, the pair he is wearing for the game look like they took a red leather jacket from the Purple Rain wardrobe closet and stapled it to a walking cast.
Grade: D-

Air Newark (Nike Shox VC V, $110)- These are nice looking shoes, but Nike needs to let the "Shox" gimmick die. The only people that wear Shox would wear windpants to a funeral. Since they are Vince's shoes, they will randomly give out and break your ankle if they get dirty, you wear them too long, or you get them on sale.
Grade: D-

AI (Answer IX, $120)- Iverson has done a good job with his shoes, but this one is a huge mistake. No shoelaces? Sounds like something you'd put on a mental patient on suicide watch.
Grade: C






Shaq (Shaq All-Star, forty bucks)- Shaq gets major points for using a tiny company (Starter) and making affordable shoes. Forty bucks is cheaper than Chuck Taylors go for these days.

I wonder who Shaq's agent is- because the man sucks at his job. While MJ and Bird pimped McDonald's, Shaq pimps the Icy Hot Sleeve and CRUNCH bars. Jordan had 'Space Jam', Shaq has 'Kazaam' and 'Steel', not to mention 'Shaq Diesel' the record. The man delivers a neverending stream of crap publicity, and he appears to love it. It doesn't matter what the man endorses, he's going to make money off of it.

Shaq's invincible, but I'll bet these shoes fall apart if your feet sweat too much.
Grade: B

DWade (Wade, $175)- Dwayne Wade knows what's up. His shoes are a two-for one- the new model and then an old-school Dr. J leather pair. I believe this is the strongest showing from all the 'new' stars. Classic look, classic bold USA colors, but a little new-school sass. If Lebron made shoes like this, he'd probably be a millionare.
Grade: A-

TMac (TMac 5, $125)- I do not like any shoe that looks like it has been inspired by a women's swimsuit from Tommy Hilfiger. I don't go into Footlocker and say, "I would like something cute and strappy". Additionally, what's wrong with shoelaces? Have they been deemed absolete? What kind of retard needs extra straps to keep their shoes on?
Grade: C+

Tim Duncan (Adidas_1, TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY %#@&* DOLLARS)- These shoes have a microprocesser in them for some reason. Uh... sweet. I've always wanted to have a spare jump drive in my shoe. Sounds like a good way to get tackled by fifty customs agents if you wear them through airport security. The only person stupid enough to buy these overpriced, ugly, useless pieces of crap is Isiah Thomas.
Grade: F

Yao Ming (ATR Pump Thunder, price unavailable, as are the shoes in the United States)- Even if I COULD buy these shoes, why would I? These shoes are a perfect metaphor for China- big, mysterious, and kind of red. What's up with the unreleased price? It's very China- these people have been lying about their GDP since Mao. Next thing you know the Chinese government will report that twelve billion units of the Air Pump Thunder have been sold. Then Nike will be like, "Then why does Reebok's stock continue to blow goats?"

I also love how these babies aren't for sale in the United States- you got us this time, China! Um, yeah... nobody over here would buy these shoes anyway, because over here everyone knows what a hack Yao Ming is. Just like we wouldn't buy the Air LaFrentz, we wouldn't buy the Pump Ming. Finally, you have to love the fact that Reebok is marketing to communists now. I wonder if their inability to defeat the capitalist pigs at Nike and Adidas sparked a little revolution at Reebok. Nobody noticed.
Grade: D

Kobe Bryant (Zoom Kobe 1, $125)- Nike usually does a great job marketing its athletes, but they really blew it with Kobe in the early stages. Remember his first shoes? They looked like penny loafers. If your guy has a reputation for being a rich prick, I'd stay away from the Nantucket fashion angle. You might as well come out with salmon-colored 'Kobe' khakis and pastel 'Kobe' sweater vests.

Then, the country clubber turned out to be a rapist, so Nike had to go with a different angle- the "He Hate Me" approach. To go with that, they have turned his symbol into a boner. I don't think that's gonna work, guys.

This is Kobe's first shoe since the rape, and it is pretty old school. This is the first shoe of Kobe's that I almost like. However, Kobe always wanted to Be Like Mike, so using Chicago Bulls colors is really, really reaching. Plus, that boner symbol is just too funny to ignore.
Grade: C-


Steve Nash (Air Flight Banger, $75)- Nash is Canadian, which is why I like the red and white model. However, check out the shoes that Nash actually wears in the game. They won't be released the public, and for good reason. They look like a pair of old ratty sweatpants made love to an American flag and nine months later gave birth to a shoe. However, the price is great.
Grade: B

AND, THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION FOR THE MILLIONTH YEAR IN A ROW...

Michael Jordan (The Air Jordan XXI, $175)- Undisputed champion, plus a great ad to go with them. These things will sell like crazy.
Grade: A+