News, Notes, Kobe Bashing, and Doc-Related Head-Slapping

-The news from the Celtics front is nothing new. The management team was interviewed in the Herald recently. The Herald is the only outlet that even mentions the team anymore. Anyway, the interviews confirmed everything we already knew. They want Paul Pierce, they feel they're a player away, they love Danny, and they appreciate Doc.

However, I thought this was interesting. Wyc said:

He proved this year that when you have a quality individual, anything is possible. I would like to retire Paul’s number here -- and we’re not retiring it if he goes somewhere else.

Don't threaten the Truth, Wyc...

-The latest hilarious rumor concerning the New York Knicks is that they are going to trade some expiring contracts for Kenyon Martin. This would be a classic move, because not only would it be idiotic for the Knicks to take on another crazed injury-prone slacker with a huge contract, but it would make Kiki and the Nuggets appear brilliant.

When you make a trade that makes an impossibly bad situation worse- which was previously thought to be impossible- and in the meantime make another terrible GM look like a visionary genius... that's the stuff legends are made of.

-I just watched the end of the Lakers-Suns game, and if you are coming to I*Heart*Celtics.com for your latest sports news, I regret to inform you that Kobe Bryant hit a last second jumper in overtime to give the Lakers a 3-1 series advantage.

I was struck by several things.

1) Steve Nash's decision making down the stretch was horrible, yes, but he was the only player on the Suns that was ready to handle the ball with the clock winding down. He should not have dribbled into the corner in overtime, but with three players swooping in on him, he looked to pass and everyone was running away from the ball. When the opposition is as desperate as the Lakers were at the end of overtime, all you need to do is have a little patience and look for the good pass. Either that, or hold the ball and wait for the foul.

The Suns did neither- Nash did the classic third-grade rec league point guard move and dribble until he was trapped... lost the ball, game over.

2) The call for a jump ball at the end of overtime was outrageous. It should have been a foul first, a travel second, and THEN perhaps a jump ball. Even still, it was a dumb play by Nash.

3) I think Luke Walton is what Danny Ainge thought Scalabrine would be. There is no whiter player in the league than Walton, but he had several heads-up, non-box score plays that were crucial for the Lakers to win. In other words, he's the anti-Scal.

4) Kobe's celebrations are painfully awkward. Did you see his "Girls Gone Wild" impression? When he reached for his jersey, I thought- "I don't want to see this guy's nipples." When Kobe revealed an UnderArmour shirt underneath his uniform, I was confused. Is that his new sponsor or something? Very strange behavior.

It is funny, however, to see the Lakers pretend to like Kobe after the initial jubilation. There's about a two minute window after the buzzer sounds where his teammates are so caught up in the moment they hug him. Then, once the TV people come out and start conducting interviews, it's sort of like the team is sobering up after a long drinking binge and are waiting for a taxi in the rain with a bunch of strangers.

-Doc Rivers is the guest on TNT tonight. I would say that he should quit coaching and go into broadcasting full time but he doesn't really have much to say. He just sits there!

Another reason why I don't take his, "I miss my family" complaints- when he does have time in the offseason, why the hell is he in Atlanta? To make comments like, "You need a midrange jumper to be a superstar." Yes. Indeed you do. Um... feel free to spend more time in Orlando, Doc...

-I will be in Vegas for a couple of days and then making the drive from Utah to D.C.... so the posting will be sporadic at best over the next week or so.

News, Notes, KMart hating, and anti-Cali smack

-All the rumors about a possible Jermaine O'Neal trade make me nervous for obvious reasons (injury history, punching fans history, general history of jackassery, etc.), but when he plays like he did in Game 3... it changes my mind a little bit.

-I am in California right now, right outside of L.A., which is hallowed ground. Not because it is Laker country, but because it is the birthplace of Paul Pierce. It was neat to see Inglewood High.

However, there is a ratio of at least 10:1 when it comes to Clippers jerseys versus Lakers jerseys here. This proves that the only thing more phony than people's faces and breasts in LA are their sports allegiences.

-KMart and George Karl have butted heads recently. KMart will apparantly be suspended for the whole sorry series by his team, which happens to be the worst three seed in sports history.

To save NBA GM's from a good amount of trouble, let me tell you one fact:

IF A PLAYER BEHAVES BADLY IN COLLEGE, GIVING HIM MORE MONEY AND MORE FREEDOM WILL ONLY MAKE THE PROBLEM WORSE.

When you have a person that is clearly criminally insane, like Martin- no doctor would perscribe, "More money."

So, Kiki, you're a moron for paying this joker, and you shouldn't be surprised by what you got. Amazing that with KMart suspended the Nuggets won the next game- because a team needs KMart about as much as I need a sharp poke in the eye.

-Then again, I can't blame KMart for getting pissed at George Karl, who always a scapegoat waiting in the wings to blame when things go wrong. KMart has a bad knee- he's an easy an available target. Remember, Karl did this to Paul Piece a couple years ago and it was completely unjustified. The only people with bigger egos than NBA players are their coaches... because jackasses like George Karl drive the average way up.

Vin Baker keeps the X-mas spirit year round

In a comic display of seasonal irreverance, Vin Baker recently visited a Connecticut school dressed as Santa. He then lectured Mrs. Potter's 2nd grade class on how to spike eggnog and why they should leave "Vinny Claus" a handle of Tangueray instead of sugar cookies this year. By the time the above picture was taken he had peed himself and resorted to singing "Grandma got run over by a reindeer", much to the dismay of the two boys on the right. And yes, that is a bottle of Andre brut champagne in his right hand. Afterwards, Vinny Claus went to Boston, sat on Danny Ainge's lap and asked for a x-mas wish of $5.3 million next year from the Celtics. Danny politely obliged.... meanwhile Ryan Gomes, Delonte, Tony "hair trigger" Allen, Swamp Thing, and the Human Highlight Film G-squared won't make that much combined.

If you Booze, You Lose

There is apparantly a rumor going around that the Celtics are considering a trade for the Utah Jazz' Carlos Boozer. There is also a rumor going around that Brian Scalabrine has run off to join the circus. I will only address this first rumor until more information comes available concerning His Vealness.

I have been living in Utah for the past year, and I can testify that trading for Boozer would be a horrible mistake that would curse the Celtics for years to come. Carlos Boozer is the Mark Blount of Utah. His skills look great on paper, he gets more money than God every season, he always disappoints immediately after showing great promise, he doesn't try, he is a picky little nancy boy who needs the whole offense run around him, no one on his own team sticks up for him, and he never shows a smidgen of loyalty to his organization or his fanbase that pay his salary.

Consider this- he punched the blind owner of the Cavs in the balls (literally or figuratively, depending on who you ask). He told his owner (Gordon Gund) that he would re-sign with the Cavs if they made him a free agent. I just want to restructure his contract, Boozer said. I absolutely do NOT want to punch you in the balls, blind man, he said. Fair enough, said Gund, and even though I kind of took it for granted that you weren't going to punch me in the balls, I appreciate your concern for my testicular welfare. With that, Gund granted Boozer's wish, and the Booz signed a much more lucrative deal with the Utah Jazz. Boozer became the first known player to be fired by his own agent for this sketchy deal.

So then Boozer went to the Jazz and immediately started mailing it in. His wife told the newspapers that she didn't like Utah. When asked about it, Carlos just said, "No comment." He didn't even show up for home games. In fact, he mailed it in until the VERY MOMENT before he missed enough games that would allow the Jazz to take some money back from him. Convenient.

The interesting thing about Boozer is that the fans out here hate him more than Boston fans hated Mark Blount in his darkest days- and Jazz fans have about 5% of the bitterness of Celtics fans. They gave a standing ovation to Greg Ostertag when he retired. Being hated by Jazz fans is kind of like being hated by Mother Theresa. To make it happen, you have to be the Devil.

I won't even get into the whole Prince fiasco- my boy Sullivan handled that already with far more eloquence- but if a blind dude, a million Mormons, Mother Theresa, and PRINCE HIMSELF hate you, you officially suck at life.

But we all know these facts. I will explain why, baggage aside, the Celtics would be idiotic to trade for this stiff.

1) He's not the low-post threat we're looking for.
Boozer is a jump shooter and makes too much money to do the dirty work inside. The Celtics don't need another jump shooter in the starting lineup. You can't win with Paul Pierce driving to the basket and everyone else camping out waiting for someone to give them the ball.

2) He's got a Raef LaFrentz contract.
He would be untradeable for money reasons alone.

3) He plays the worst defense I have ever seen.
He would do better to just take a dump at the free throw line every defensive stop. At least that might distract somebody.

Boozer has the unique talent of getting bullied by finesse players, finessed by Neanderthals, tipping the ball into his own basket, and waiting to inbound the ball before the play is close to over. Pretty much all of AK47's blocks this season came when playing help defense on Boozer's man. Boozer blocks shots about as well as Jeff Van Gundy, and he doesn't have the stones to grab ahold of ANYBODY's leg to try and stop them.

If you thought the Celtics' defense was bad this season, imagine if we were literally playing 4-on-5. Abysmal.

4) He's not a team player.
His teammates hate him and can't stand playing with him. He never hits the open man, won't help on defense but demands help all the time, won't rotate on offense, sets terrible screens, commits stupid fouls with one second left on the shot clock, doesn't listen to his coach, complains about playing time, complains about his role on the team, doesn't show up to support the team when he can't play, takes his enormous contract for granted, and complains about the fans.

5) Signing him would completely undermine the Danny Ainge era.
Ainge is trying to sell us on the concept of a high-character team, which is sketchy enough when Tony Allen is on the roster. Signing a "symbolizes everything wrong with modern sports" guy would make the whole rebuilding process look ridiculous. Why not just sign Zach Randolph and Ruben "You're 14? Nice!" Patterson.


I know you're reading this blog, Danny. DON'T DO IT. Also, can you get me some circus tickets?

BP Declares War on Nic and Sullivan

This goes out to my fellow I*Heart*Celtics staff members.

Nic- Peja is the worst clutch player ever.

Sullivan- Nevermind, it's Tim Duncan.

You see, devoted subjects, Nic and I have had several intense arguments over the years. On one occasion, I almost commited a justifiable homicide when Nic insisted that a 700 pound sumo wrestler was an amazing athlete. Another time, I almost castrated that red-headed freakshow when he insisted that Peja was one of the best clutch shooters in the game. If my memory serves, this was prior to Peja setting Western Conference Finals records in airballs for seven straight games.

Well, Nic, I watched the Pacers game yesterday and saw two airballs right away. I knew it was playoff time. Tonight, Peja was wearing a suit, and the Pacers lost by over 20 points.

Nic, I win. Get me some gum.

Now, for Sullivan.

I know that Tim Duncan is an excellent big man. One of the best. Then again, you could say the same thing about Karl "Three Quarters Only" Malone.

Let's just say that Avery Johnson has made as many clutch shots as Tim Duncan, and that's in his coaching career. Tim Duncan has been bailed out again and again by role players like Sean Elliot, Robert Horry, and most recently Brent Barry. Tonight, I was watching the Spurs-Kings game, it was getting tense, and I said to my lovely bride, "Tim Duncan will miss badly". Two seconds later, I was right. Again, and again. The sooner you say, "Tim Duncan will miss" in the fourth quarter, the more prophetic you will seem.

Reggie Miller kept on calling for the Spurs to give him the ball because "superstars should be taking all the shots". Umm... Reggie... if the superstar you speak of was taking all the shots in the NBA Finals last year, the Spurs would have been swept 4-0.

Tonight, Duncan could be seen getting dominated by playoff newbie Shareef Abdur-Raheem on the defensive end and bricking gimmies on the offensive end. In between these two debacles, he could be seen crossing his fingers and hoping that no one passed him the ball.

In comparison, Shaq is Rick Barry-esque, CWebb has nerves of steel, and the Mailman delivers more than just the previous tenent's junk mail, coupons to places you never shop, and "Have You Seen Me?" fliers.

So, keep that in mind while you are watching the playoffs. If you want to make some money, bet Reggie Miller a hundred bucks that Tim Duncan won't make a shot in the final five minutes of a close game. If you want to stay sober, play the drinking game, "Take ten shots of whiskey every time Tim Duncan makes a crucial basket".

Now, I don't know if Sullivan will go Ron Artest on me or he will flop like his Argentinian copatriot Manu Ginobli, but I'm ready for anything- even to make the argument that Ron Mercer was a better draft pick if I have to!

Watching the Playoffs/Pukefest '06

This weekend was filled with two things- playoff basketball and tossed cookies. For some reason, I reacted to whatever I ate the same way an average human would react to seeing Brian Scalabrine in a swimsuit. In other words, I threw up for 48 straight hours. I was pretty much useless for the whole weekend except for an hour of clarity when I produced this Photoshop image about Snackabrine and Dan Dick's offseason jobs. However, being couch-ridden allowed me to do something I rarely do- watch NBA games that don't involve the Boston Celtics.

So, without further ado, I will give my self-proclaimed expert analysis on all the games I watched this weekend.

The Lebrons 97, Wizards 86
Great game by Lebron, but the Cavs are screwed. When Donyell Marshall is not only your second-leading scorer but he launches 18 shots- and it's not 1995- you're doomed. Holy moly. I loved Larry Hughes' line- 2 points and 5 fouls in 27 minutes. Thanks for showing up, I guess.

As for the Wizards, I still can't get over Gilbert Arenas. Anyone whose name sounds like a cross between "Anus" and "Penis" is going to get a chuckle out of me- but then again I snicker every time I hear someone say "Pujols".

The best player on the floor other than Lebron was Antonio Daniels, who went 6-6 from the field and had 6 assists and no turnovers. This guy should have been a starter for his entire career. He never turns the ball over, he's efficient, he plays tough defense, and he's quick. I wish the Celtics had him.

One of the funnier subplots was the complete unknown, Billy Thomas, storming off the bench to score 0 points on 0-5 shooting. The Wizards were playing so badly, they were even going to their bench! When you bring Billy Thomas into the game, it means you have won the game, lost the game, or you're playing so badly and you're so desperate for anything to go right that you're willing to throw a jersey on the equipment manager or an opposing ballboy for a spark.

Still, both of these teams are erratic enough that this series could go seven games without having a single quality game.

Heat 111, Bulls 106

The Bulls are bizarre. Did you know that Michael Sweetney and Malik Allen START for the Bulls? Whaaa?

As jealous as I am that the Bulls are in the playoffs while the Celtics are at home popping Scals' zits, I am glad that we have our roster and not the Bulls. Each of the young players on the Bulls, with the exception of Hinrich, are as likely to score 20 points as they are to score 6, like Luol Deng did last night. Michael Sweetney is as likely mistake a basketball for a giant donut hole and eat it as he is to grab a rebound.

The Bulls played about as well as they could have, and they still lost to a Heat team playing decently. They don't stand a chance in this series, especially when Ben Gordon goes through his typical three game single-digit scoring slump that he has after every big outburst.

The real question that is still out there is-

What is funnier?

a) Udonis Haslem throwing his mouthguard at a ref.
b) The dude interviewing Shaq ending the interview by saying, "Take it easy, Shaqzilla."

Clippers 89, Nuggets 87

'Melo had a Vince Carter-esque performance from the field, but he still managed to get two shots to win the game on the road. The first he airballed. For the second, he missed an absolutely wide-open Earl Boykins to instead chuck up an off-balance and idiotic prayer of a three-pointer. I used to be one of the people that said that 'Melo was one of the best clutch players in the game, but I won't say that again. Well, until 'Melo hits a clutch shot. Then I'll go back to saying that 'Melo is one of the best clutch shooters in the game.

So, moving on...

I really like the Clippers pretty much because they have Walter McCarty, and hate the Nuggets pretty much because they have Kenyon Martin. I began to love the Clippers when Elton Brand literally spiked Martin's shot like a volleyball player. That was awesome.

The most impressive performance of the night came from Andre Miller. Miller scored 25 points and had 6 assists... with no turnovers or fouls. Pretty impressive.

The least impressive performance came from Shaun Livingston, who had what looked like a three-foot advantage over Earl Boykins. I don't care how good Boykins' defensive fundamentals are, when you've got that kind of height advantage you should score more than two points. Livingston couldn't even make his free throws. I like Shaun Livingston, but you never want this on your NBA resume- "Intimidated by a midget".

I don't see how the Nuggets could possibly win this series, because they are by far the worst three-seed in NBA history.

Spurs 112, Kings 88
For those of you who missed this game, and are wondering what it was like, picture your grandmother in the ring with a 90's-era Mike Tyson. This looked like Bird's Celtics playing against Bromfield Middle School girls' field hockey team. The only thing uglier than this game was the Macaroni and Cheese/Chili I ralphed to start the weekend.

For the record, the Ron Artest suspension for elbowing Gibobli is stupid for several reasons. First, I still don't understand why the Tru Warier isn't in prison for randomly assaulting Michigan residents. Second, you should be suspended for NOT elbowing Ginobli, that flopping bastard. Hey, Manu, where did you learn to play basketball, Vlade Divac fantasy camp? No one wants to see a grown man cry, especially seven times a game. Grow a pair.

Suns 107, Lakers 102
I like the Suns a lot, because I am your typical basketball fan and I like to see lots of points scored- especially on dunks and three-pointers. Steve Nash needs a haircut almost as badly as Chris Kaman, but he's one of the players in the NBA that is the most fun to watch, especially when he's dishing to the Matrix or the best international Boris since Yeltsin.

This game was funny because for some reason Kobe decided to take the first three quarters off. I don't even know why he was out there. He didn't DO anything. After the game, he made a string of bizarre comments trying to explain why he was lollygagging like a mofo. I think I can boil them down to one sentence: "I realized that I get paid the same amount every game no matter how hard I try". The only thing more idiotic than Kobe trying to make an articulate argument was the sweater/tie/$50,000 pimp chain he was rocking.

Charles Barkley was saying that the Lakers should be inspired because they were so close, but I disagree. The "Kobe Bryant featuring the Lakers" outfit didn't beat the Suns this year, and now the "Lakers featuring a heavily sedated Kobe Bryant" didn't work either. You're screwed, Lakers, and I would like you to know that I really, really, REALLY enjoy watching you bastards fail.

Pistons 92, Bucks 74
The story of this game was that Charlie Bell led his team in scoring, probably for the first time since his Michigan State days. This game sucked, because the Bucks suck. When you're the eighth seed in the Eastern Conference and you entered the playoffs on an skid as epic as the one in Scalabrine's underpants, you suck.

I anticipate this being a trivia question in three weeks: who did the Pistons play in the first round?

Mavs 103, Grizzlies 93

I'm pretty sure this was my first time watching the Grizz in a long time, because I didn't know that:

1) Mike Fratello's mystified facial expression still hasn't changed since 1980.
2) Pau Gasol sucks.
3) Brian Cardinal is still in the NBA.
4) Mike Miller dyes his hair with melted orange crayons.

The Grizzlies are by far the ugliest team in the league, and they aren't attractive either. Watching Pau Gasol's jump shot made me throw up three straight times. This guy has been in the league for five years and no one has taught him that the ball should leave your fingers, not your wrist. It's a horror show.

I like the Mavs, and I hope they can get to the Finals, because I guarantee I will not watch a Spurs/Pistons series again.

Pacers 90, Nets 88
I hated Princess Vince before this weekend, but watching his commercial almost every timeout was enough to make me puke.

I did learn several things:
1) You don't feed dogs people food.
2) All refigerators make a little noise.
3) If you get avocados, Vince can make guacamole.
4) Cook over medium heat.
5) Vince doesn't like talking to his grandmother.
6) Vince's dog is bulimic.

So, after hearing all that, you're supposed to want to buy his cellphone. Sweet. All I need is that TMobile cell phone. Then, I will be able to have conversations as inane as the player in the NBA that I hate the most.

This game was a tough one to stomach because I love seeing the Nets lose but I hate seeing the Pacers win. As we all know, hate conquers all, so I found myself in a bad mood after this one. However, there was silver lining. Princess Vince endured a tailbone injury, which proved that there is a God and he hates those commercials just as much as I do. It was also nice having the Nets lose on a semi-bogus call. You know the refs are going to blow several games this spring, so it was good to get one out of the way in a game against two forces of evil. Watch the replay, Kritic barely touches Johnson and gets called for a foul. Meanwhile, Jason Kidd is humping the poor guy's leg like a dog in heat and no whistle.

That's refereeing in the NBA- always weird. Always arbitrary.

That's all for now. I'm distracted by a dude with a flat-top and a bow-tie sitting behind Pat Riley in the Bulls-Heat game, and I can't concentrate any more.

So, I hope all you loyal I*Heart*Celtics fans have a healthy week of playoff basketball watching. Next year, we'll have the Celtics to talk about, and not just when they have courtside seats in Round 1!

SCAL AND DANNY D. START OFFSEASON JOBS

News, Notes, and Darius freaking Miles

-The Celtics are keeping a united front about the plans for the offseason- add a scoring punch in a veteran point guard. There aren't a ton of options out there, and the C's don't have a ton of money to burn. The Celtics have a decent shot at getting the top pick in the draft, but it seems to me that the team would trade that pick if they got it.

-Looks like the power duo of Kevin McHale and Kevin Garnett will stay intact. I would make a wisecrack about this, maybe about how Kevin Garnett's massive contract in a small city destroyed the Wolves' chances for years, or how McHale looks about as comfortable as an executive as Jerry Falwell at a gay porno party, but frankly I am terrified of upsetting McHale because he looks like Frankenstein.

-Chris Bosh apparantly wants to stay in Toronto. Flee, Chris, flee... that's Mike James' town and there's nothing you can do about it! Listen to this latest gem:

I can't make people love me. I can't make people like me. Even Jesus Christ and all the healing he was doing on every single day, they still wanted to persecute him and kill him. And so, who am I? I can't even pull a hangnail out of my daughter's finger let alone heal somebody. So who am I to think that everybody's going to like me, appreciate me and value what I do on the court and off the court?

I don't think it was Jesus' healing that really irritated people... it had more to do with the fact that he believed he was the Son of God. You're right, Mike, you're not Jesus. One Jesus is more than enough. Stop acting like you're the Son of God!

-This interview with Darius Miles is hilarious. You start reading it, you think it's reached its apex of ridiculousness, and then it just takes it to a whole different level. In it, he blames the media for his bad press, then details why he changed into street clothes at halftime and why he lollygags like a mofo whenever he feels like it. The best part, however, is when he drops this little nugget:

Yeah, you probably smelled liquor on me before. But it’s not like I’m at practice drunk. I’m totally focused. I don't care if you come to practice and take shower, once you go to practice and start sweating, its going to come out. That doesn't mean you aren’t focused or ready to practice. Like you might go out, you might get drunk, and come to the gym higher than a mother, and you sweating, you smell like liquor, and you interviewing everybody. What does that mean? You still 100 percent focused. That's just ridiculous. Ask any other team, little petty stuff like that, if you ask any other coach in the NBA if they smell liquor on a player, any coach would say, every year. Some players go out in every city they go to.

He's got one thing right- that is just ridiculous. I don't even know what that sentence in bold means. There seems to be a conflict of interest when it comes to being both "higher than a mother" and "100 percent focused". I think those things are mutually exclusive. When I see a hippie stoned out of his mind making grilled cheese sandwhiches in the back of a van in the parking lot of a Phish show, I don't immediately think, "That man is 100 percent focused". Unless he's "100 percent focused" on babbling some wannabe pseudo-stoned-intellectual blather about the place of grilled cheese in the universe, I don't think that guy is too focused.

But the best part about that quote is the fact that he tries to show that he works hard by explaining that he doesn't come to practice drunk. Similarly, I am a model husband because I don't beat my wife. I am a model citizen because I don't sell crack to teenagers, steal stuff, and punch police officers. By Darius Miles standards, I should be Man of the Year!

Ok, so I changed my mind. This quote might be better:

It’s like you are telling me I’m this franchise player, but hey … once I noticed it, and I was like dang, I don’t have no bobble head? They tried to get me one at the last minute, and I was like, ‘No, I’m fine.’

But I don't want to sound like I’m whining. But this is what you all are telling me. You mean to tell me, if they have a Steve Nash, a Raja Bell, Amare Stoudemire, and a Boris Diaw bobblehead, they wouldn't have a Shawn Marion? But I don't want this whole interview to sound like I’m whining.

It’s just frustrating situation. And they are so scared of the media, where I feel they have sold their soul to the devil. That’s how scared they are. Before they mess with media, like if the media is a god, and before I mess with god, I sell my soul to the devil. That's how scared they are of the media.

This part lends some creedance to Nate McMillian's argument that Mr. Miles is petty. Listen- we all want our own bobblehead. It's every American's dream. I would love to have a mini Ben Peisch bobbling its little head on my desk while I write this. I can feel Darius' pain. However, one thing I learned from reading this interview- I'm not going to pout and skip work until my boss makes me one. I'm going to show up, Miles-style.

Look, let me say this. The whole season I haven't be late for nothing. I was late to a shootaround and I missed a shootaround.

Ok, that makes perfect sense. Darius wasn't late for anything except for the things he was late for. Plus, can you say that he was late for things he didn't show up for?

It’s always that fallback guy, there was one before I got here, and if I leave, it will be someone after me. Look at these guys, every guy they talked so bad about, and supposed to be these bad persons, all the position those guys in are perfect now, and all the teams they go to, they love them now and they don’t know what you guys are talking about.

Sure... I mean, check out the New York Knicks this season! All those guys needed a new environment. That's working out perfectly.

Every team I was on, and you ask every coach I’ve had, and I’ve had like seven coaches in my career, ain’t none of them have any problems. Haven’t heard nothing about me, no negative energy from the Clippers to Cleveland, and the half season (here).

That's true. I've never heard anything negative about Darius Miles.

So, what I learned from this interview is that Darius Miles' perception of himself is not only different from everyone else's perception, it's the complete opposite.

Celtics Dominate Heat In Season Finale

After having a disapointing year, the Celtics revived their season by thrashing the Eastern Conference Powerhouse Miami Heat. From the beggining, the Heat did not stand a chance. Sure they were probably more talented, but on this faitfil night, no one could match the passion and determination of the Boston Celtics. The Celtics were so fired up they held Shaq and D-Wade to a combined 0 points. Keep in mind that leading iheartceltics.com MVP candidate Paul Pierce did not even play in the game tonight. It did not matter. Others stepped up. It took almost 80 games, but Brian Scalabrine finally hit his stride carrying his green brothers scoring 10 points and 7 rebounds. He put fellow caucasians Michael Doleac and Jason Kapono to shame, capturing the moral victory for Most Valuable White Guy. Tony Allen and Ryan Gomes were accomplacesess in Scalabrine's dominating performance scoring 17 and 19 points respectively. The pre-game hype centered around Dwayne Wade, but after 48 minutes all eyes were on a different Dwayne. And No, Im not talking about Dwayne Schintzius. The Celtics own prodigy, Dwayne "the rebounding machine" Jones made his presence felt ripping down 10 boards and 6 points. Shaq and Zo got his message loud and clear. Enjoy the playoffs cause next year Dwayne Jones is going to "cool" off the Heat.
If the Celtics had suffered another loss they would have ended the season losing 6 in a row. With a monumental victory over a team the caliber of the Miami Heat, the Celtics managed to regain momentum and will go into the off-season feeling like contenders. With the core players the Celtics will return combined with the late season development of players such as Gerald Green and most recently Dwayne Jones and Brian Scalabrine, not to mention the possibility of a top 10 lottery pick, and the Celtics are certain to come into training camp next year ready for a championship.

Fan Appreciation Night

NOTHING SAYS 'THANK YOU' TO THE FANS LIKE PLAYING YOUR JV TEAM AND TRYING TO LOSE

The Celtics will host the Miami Heat tonight in the final game of the season. The Celtics will spend the next couple weeks dreaming of ping-pong balls while the Heat will spend them getting their collective asses handed to them in the playoffs. No team has 'complete and utter meltdown' written all over them quite like the Heat.

So, the fans will be appreciated by a team of little-used Celtics scrubs and a team with as much as excitement as a dude ordering his last meal before execution.

KEYS TO THE GAME
1) Attack the basket. Gerald has been a little jumper-happy lately. He should follow Tony's lead and take the ball the basket, but stop taking his lead before shooting somebody.

2) No whining after the game. Raef and Scal, why don't you go bowling with Brian Doo to blow off some steam. No one wants to hear you talk about how you should get more minutes.

3) Just lose baby.

PREDICTION
Gerald and Tony score 50 points each, and the Celtics win the only game they were supposed to lose all season. We see the Walker Wiggle, but that's just when Twan moves.

Celtics 145, Heat 67

Comparing the Celtics season to Early Lynyrd Skynyrd, a reflection on a season done gone...

If you had told me way back on Nov. 1, the night before the Celtic's season started that they would lose 50 games, I would have been really sad. I still would've watched just as much but I would have been sad. There was indeed a lot of pretty bad basketball, inconsistant play and coaching etc. But at this point, there isn't much you can Bryan Doo. Yes it stinks that another year of Paul Pierce's genius is wasted, but at least he looked like he was having fun and happy leading a team for the first time ever, leaving so much room for optimism. So instead of getting hung up on the bad, I will appease my unworthy jackass nemesis Danny Ainge and focus on the positive:

Even if they did lose a ton, every game was close. Few games in the first 2/3 of the season were won or lost by more than 4 or 5 points. That means the Celtics were competing in every game, and just haven't found their way to close it out yet.

It would be the easy way out here to make a baseball pitching analogy here about finding the right closer, but i won't because baseball is overanylized. Instead I'll compare this year's Celtics to Lynyrd Skynyrd before they wrote "Free Bird".

Why the 2005-2006 Celtics are a lot like pre-Free Bird Lynyrd Skynyrd



In those early days Skynyrd was a bunch of young, vivacious, high-school grads who made their living traveling town to town trying to win fans and fame. While they had a bunch of talent with their rapid fire three guitar frontline and raunchy rhythm section, their repitoire was inconsistant, and fans would lose interest when they blew all their steam in the first half of their concert. What they hadn't figured out yet, was how to close the set and leave the fans riveted. Fans wanted Free Bird, it just hadn't been written yet...

So after a long tour that took them all over the country, they regathered and regrouped, and said hey, we need a nasty encore song to finish off each show that would leave their opponents stunned. Since Styx's "Lady" was already written and Skid Row's "18 and Life" was musically inconcievable at the time, they sat down that summer, and they wrote one of the great closers of all time, "Free Bird". Rumor has it the first time singer Ronnie Van Zant crooned the lyrics of Free Bird in practice sessions the Dalai Lama cried for a month and Steven Segal let down his pony tail and swayed. The first time the three guitar players worked out that pulvarizing guitar solo three "Guitar Centers" spontaneously caught on fire burning all the Squier Strats and Guitar Center guys to the ground before they could even ask "D'Ya wanna plug in?

All was good in the world, and Lynyrd Skynyrd never closed another set without tears being cried, breasts being bared, and the entire crowd convinced they were the best band to ever come out of Jacksonville, FLA (contenders to their throne include Limp Bizkit and Jam Pony Express).

Now you may be asking, "what does the definitive 70s southern rock band have to do with the Celtics?" Well my friend, everything. You see, the Celtics are one closing push, one "Free Bird" away from a solid seed in the Playoffs. Sure we already got the band: Paul Pierce on vocals, Gomes on bass, G.Green Tony and Delonte on flashy lead guitars, Wally on tamborine, Perk on breaking glass, and Scals on the (Chicken) drum-sticks, but we don't have our Encore Song. The talent is there, they just have to creatively harvest it (wink wink to you Doc and Danny) into the winning power ballad of a game plan.

Once we have that, we are solid gold.

Celtics Take a Cleveland Steamer

THE PHRASE 'CLEVELAND STEAMER' = ALWAYS FUNNY, EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT SURE I KNOW, OR WANT TO KNOW, WHAT IT MEANS; DWAYNE JONES AND TONY ALLEN TURN INTO BEN WALLACES FOR ONE NIGHT, DWAYNE WITH THE REBOUNDING AND TONY WITH THE FREE THROW SHOOTING; TOMMY TURNS INTO THE COOZ AND MAKES WEARISOME, WHINING COMMENTS ALL GAME; SCALABRINE PICKS THE MOST WORTHLESS GAMES EVER TO SCORE HIS FIRST BASKETS OF THE SEASON; PERK AND RAEF TAKE THE NIGHT OFF

The Celtics had a game against the Cleveland Cavs last night, which may come as a surprise to both the cities of Boston and Cleveland. Lebron didn't play, and the Celtics played their mid-season NBDL team. The Cavs won, the kids on the C's got some minutes, and the Celtics continued to improve their draft position by extending their season-ending losing streak.

In one of the most bizarre lines from a guard I have ever seen, Tony Allen went 10-12 from the field and a ridiculous 3-11 from the free throw line. How that happens, nobody knows.

But no one was watching the game for Tony Allen- the old and busted 'freak athlete' from last year- we wanted to see the new hotness 'freak athlete' from this year, Gerald Green.

The G-spot had another solid game, getting the start and shooting 8-19 from the field for 17 points. Gerald looked like he wanted to work on his mid-range and long-range games instead of attacking the basket. He has learned how to get his shot off under pressure, which is a good sign for next season.

The most amusing aspect of this game was the performance of players whose biggest contributions for the season were fat jokes, speeding violations, and bench warming.

Snackattackabrine returned to closing time at the buffet line form. He was all over the place. He revealed that he actually has a lot of untapped potential. I think he is capable of warming three seats at once.

Rickity Raef has been playing like Acie Earl recently, daring the Celtics to play NBDL stud Dwayne Jones. So, the Celtics finally did, and- big surprise- he played better than Raef. I am not going to jump on to the Dwayne Jones bandwagon yet, because I'm pretty sure Stephen Hawking would do better than Raef if he were on the roster, but I also have to give credit where credit is due. 12 rebounds is no joke, no matter who you're playing against.

Orien Greene put the pedal to the metal and had a solid night as well, scoring 14 points on 5-7 shooting. The best part of his game is the fact that he hit two threes, demonstrating that in between fouling out of games and getting arrested for speeding, he's been working on that outside stroke. If the C's are going to hold on to him, he NEEDS to continue to develop this shot.

On to the superlatives!

MVP: Dwayne Jones!

LVP: Tie between Raef and Kendrick. Between them? 40 minutes, 9 points, 3 rebounds, and 8 fouls. Thanks for showing up guys.

Scalabrine Watch: Scalabrine backed up his harsh words for the organization by playing another good game against no competition. Unfortunately, the organization was watching the Red Sox game instead.

Up next: a huge victory against the Miami Heat.

When does the next freaking season start?

G-SPOT NO LONGER A MYSTERY; CELTICS' YOUNGSTERS HAVE I*HEART*CELTICS STAFF SALIVATING LIKE CHRIS FORDE OVER A SKINNY WHITE EUROPEAN; SWAMP THANG RETURNS TO 'ENFORCER' STATUS; SCALABRINE RANDOMLY TURNS INTO MATT BONNER FOR ONE NIGHT

It was a strange night. Paul Pierce didn't play for the first time in forever because of something called elbow brontosaurus that has clearly been bothering him during the Celtics' playoff flop. Wally World, Big Al, and Delonte were gonzo as well, so the Celtics suited up only nine players if you count Dwayne Jones.

The Celtics were playing one of the best teams over the past two months, the New Jersey Nets, who should have been the Celtics' rival this season. After some first-quarter jitterbugs, the young Celtics started hammering their opponent. GG was taking it to Princess Vince so hard that Air Newark broke a nail.

"I just had these done!" he cried. "RRRGH... this ALWAYS HAPPENS."

"Shut up," responded Gerald. "I only have nine freaking fingers and I'm not crying about it."

Everyone on the Celtics played well except for Raef, who decided to mail this one in like he does every third game. Scalabrine was on fire, scoring 14 points. GomesNation went for 15, and the Swamp Thang shot 7-8 from the field for 16 points to go with nine rebounds.

MVP: THE G-SPOT. This man turns it ON in the fourth quarter, and he nearly pulled this one out for the Celtics.

LVP: Raef. When you get outplayed by both Dwayne Jones and the Kandi Man, you shouldn't be on the floor. 1-8 field goals and four fouls in 20 minutes.

Doc's Grade: B+
Not a bad game considering we played without four of our best players.

UP NEXT:

Bron Bron and the Cavs tonight. I doubt Pierce will play in this one, either, for good reasons, and so Lebron will probably have a pretty boring night. Lebron plays his best in a shootout with another stud. Look for Gerald to take it to the rack again and again because this kid loves a challenge.

I predict that the Celtics win this one behind GG's career-best 33 points to give props to Larry Bird.

Remember when he said this?

"I've always been a big Celtics fan, especially Larry Bird. I haven't gotten a chance to meet him yet, but hopefully I will. I own a bunch of throwbacks, and I had a Larry Bird jersey that I loved to wear, but my little brother accidentally spilled some Kool-Aid on it. It was an all white one, so now I have to get a new one. Thing is, now I'm going to have my own Celtics jersey, so that's even better."

GG takes over.

Celtics 117, Cavs 100

News, Previews, and Professional Guidance

-The Celtics are playing the Nets tonight, and I can guarantee that Princess Vince will behave like a pansy.

-Tyrus Thomas is going to enter the draft. Without further ado, my official "How To Come Out of College Early" guide.

1) You need either "freak" athleticism or an "NBA-ready body". Without one or the other, stay in school.
2) You need to have Chad Forde say, "scouts are salivating" about you.
3) You don't necessarily need to play a position well, as long as you have the potential to play a position well. For example, scouts were saying that Shawn Bradley had "point guard skills". Of course, this wasn't true, but you need that sort of ridiculous silly hype in order to make the leap. People will invariably say that Tyrus Thomas "will develop into a great jump shooter". Sure he will, just like Stromile Swift did.
4) You need some sort of "unofficial godfather" or similarly bizarrely-titled male figure in your life getting quoted in the newspaper.
5) You need to play very well in either your conference tourney or NCAA tourney. Scouts, for some reason, don't care if you've only had two good games in the regular season, if you bust out like Joakim Noah in March, you're all set.

-The Knicks are currently losing to the Pistons 42-20. The Steve Francis trade gets funnier by the minute!

Celtics Versus Nets

I don't care if the Celtics aren't in the playoffs this year, any time we play the New Jersey Nets I want a victory for the simple reason that I hate Jason Kidd and Vince Carter with a fiery passion. The Nets had been winless in the Garden this season, and to me it would be a successful season if- just once- we made Vince Carter cry.

An interesting subplot for me was the possibility that Antoine Wright would play, the former Lawrence Academy (MA) star that most of the I*Heart*Celtics staff saw play in high school. Wright played center on defense and point guard on offense, and he must have averaged close to a triple-double. I can only remember him scoring on tomahawk jams and three-pointers. It was awesome. It's troubling that Wright hasn't played much this season, because the players ahead of him on the depth chart pretty much suck. Jaques Vaughn? Scott Padgett? Some guy named Nachbar? Something is wrong here...

Anyway, the New Jersey Nets recently ended a 14-game winning streak, or one win to make up for each game Prince Vince tanked due to laziness during the course of the season. The Celtics, meanwhile, have adopted the much-heralded "give the ball to Gerald Green and who cares what happens" approach.

The Celtics started out the game with an interesting lineup. Tony Allen at the point, Paul at two guard, Gomes at the three (!), Raef at the four, and the Swamp Thang at five. So, the Celtics were playing with two shooting guards and three power forwards. While I cringed at the immediate association with the New York Knicks, the C's got off to a quick start.

However, both Perk and Raef picked up a couple quick fouls in the first quarter, so I scanned the lineup for backups. Much to my chagrin, I realized that our backups were Kandi Man, Scal-snack-attack-abrine, and some dude named Dwayne... Dwayne who? Dwayne JONES. Right. Yamma hamma.

Gomes picked a good game to release the fury that he has been bottling up recently. Balancing time between the perimeter and the block, Gomes was pulling rebounds out of the air with a greater frequency than Prince Vince pulls excuses out of the air. He was also the only effective shooter on either team on the floor.

Unfortunately for the C's, they started getting brutalized in the paint by the biggest bunch of nancy boys in the NBA, i.e. the Nets front line, which makes Prince Vince look like Prince Charles. The C's couldn't get a rebound, and couldn't hit an outside shot, and were outscored 30-20 in the third.

Unfortunately, the C's folded down the stretch like Scalabrine's lawn chair- that is, they exploded into a million pieces with shrapnel flying in every direction.

On to the superlatives!

MVP: Gomes, stealing the G-spot's thunder. Gomes scored 17 points and pulled down 14 rebounds. Gomes had a rough night from the line (3-7), but it's hard to hold it against him when Pierce and TA go a combined 9-29 from the floor.

LVP: Dwayne Jones. How are you helping this team, Dwayne? HUH?!?!?

Scalabrine Report: Scal came blazing off the bench, notching a turnover in only nine minutes of play. He didn't stop there, tossing away one more turnover, hacking twice, and accidentally snaring two rebounds.

Doc's Grade: Absent. No credit will be given until somebody proves to me that there was a coach present during tonight's game.

Ridiculous stat of the game: The Celtics outrebounded the Nets by two. As I mentioned before, the Nets might be the worst rebounding team in the league.

News and Notes

-Paul Pierce is in line to have the fifth-highest PPG average in Celtics history. The only players that have scored more, on average, in a season are Larry Legend and John Havlicek. To add to that, Pierce has shot 47% from the field this season, has played in every game for the C's, and is among the league leaders in minutes played. Um... is there any reason why we SHOULDN'T sign Pierce to a multiyear max extension this summer?

-Nate McMillan, who guided the Sonics to a lousy season only to jump ship to Portland and guide the train wreck that is the Trail Blazers this season, is using the rest of this year as a tryout for next year. Sweet, I guess, but couldn't you figure that stuff out in training camp? Or, during the season? Or, by common sense? I'll do your work for you, Nate. Play the highschoolers other than Darius freaking Miles and find a way to get rid of the dead wood on your team, i.e. the rest of the roster.

If it weren't for the Knicks, the Blazers would be the franchise that everyone made fun of. Check out their roster- they have four point guards, two absolutely terrible foreigners including the biggest and clumsiest Korean dude ever, Darius freaking Miles, a gaggle of injury-prone goof-offs, Zach freaking Randolph, and a kid named Joel from Minnesota. I would trade Joels in two seconds for Joel Anderson from Bates Intramural Basketball fame.

The Blazers have some up-and-coming talent, but almost every veteran on the team besides Juan Dixon.... yikes.

-Darius freaking Miles is helping his coach any way he can. He decided to change into street clothes at halftime the other night, which prompted McMillan to think to himself, "Perhaps rewarding this petulant little prick with playing time isn't the best thing for my team?" Good call, Nate!

I love Miles' bio on Blazers.com. It doesn't mention anything about his NBA career until the final two paragraphs. That just about sums up Miles' sorry five-year career, doesn't it?

-Still, Jermaine O'Neal reportedly wants to get traded to Portland. The Blazers can offer Theo Ratliff and the aforementioned Miles. I think the Pacers would be more likely to trade Jermaine O'Neal for a kick in the crotch. Who in their right mind would want Darius Miles?? Yep, you guess it. The New York Knicks.

-Shawn Kemp's comeback with the Mavs was derailed. Sad, it would have been a milestone- it would have been the first drug-addled sumo wrestler in NBA history, according to the Elias Sports Bureau.

-I have to comment on Eddie Curry's neck tattoo. I think it is supposed to be some kind of oriental character, but it looks like he drew it on with a magic marker in the mirror.

-Isiah Thomas is a d-bag. That's all I've got today.

PACERS OUTLAST CELTICS, NO ONE CARES CAUSE ALL EYES WERE ON THE G-SPOT

The Celtics put up a great effort tonight, shooting 59% against the Playoff bound Pacers, but in the end the Pacer's experience was the difference as they came away with the 117-112 victory.
Despite the loss it's hard for any Celtics fan to be dissapointed. With the playoffs out of reach fans know the Celtic's goals have changed, and tonight the Celtics accomplished exactly what they needed. In one single game they took another huge step in developing their young talent. Let's start with the "swamp thang" who likes to bang, Kendrick Perkins. Another start for Perk and another solid game. He scored 17 and grabbed 8 boards. Most importantly Perk played some solid defense on Jermaine O'Neal. After coming back from his injury the Perk-i-nator looked more than aloof when he was on the court. Since being back in the starting line-up his play and confidence have picked up. He showed it tonight and you better believe he will show up next year with a thirst for blood.
Ryan Gomes was another youngster that made strides tonight. While 12 and 3 might not sound like big numbers for a tamed stallion the likes of Gomes, by starting at the small foward spot, Gomes gained valuable experience chasing smaller players like Peja around all night. While Gomes did a formidabe job, it was clear that he will have his share of struggles on the defensive end when matched up with an outside threat. Also by playing outside, His freakish rebounding ability was deminished as he only grabbed a mortal 3 boards. Despite these issues he did play a nice game and proved that with a little more practice he can still be quite effective playing the 3.
Brian Scalbrine was another young talent that made big strides in tonights game. His 2 points and 5 personal fouls was just a preview of the damage he can inflict against his opponents. The box scores don't do this Ravishing Red Head justice. Rumor has it that Scalabrine snuck into the Pacers locker room before the game and ate all of Anthony Johnson's penut butter cups. Talk about a team player. Johnson was having snack attacks so bad in the second half that he could barely get up and down the court.
Tony Allen recieved tonights "Tommy Award" and for good reason too. His 5 steals didn't even begin to do his defensive dominance justice. He hounded Stephen Jackson like Anothony Johnson hounds Haggen Dahz. He had three steals in the final 3 minutes and was soley responsable for the C's near comeback. Tommy was on the money when he mentioned how much of a difference Tony's D would made for the Celtics earlier in the year. If the Celts had a healthy Tony Allen all year they would have won at least 5 more games. As much of a space case he may be, he takes his D very seriously and as a personal challenge. The type of defensive play he has demonstrated in the last 10 games is exactly what the Celts were missing all year.
The hands down most encouraging perfomance of the night goes to the man I call the G-Spot cause he's oh so good! Double G Money himself Gerald Green. He set a new career high tonight with 22 points. To make it even sweeter probably half of his points will make tommorows Sports Center top ten. His offense ranged from high flying dunks, deadly mid-range jumpers, to a half court 3 that he instinctly heaved up at the last second to beat the shot clock in the fourth quarter. When it comes to offense Gerald is the whole F'n show. Many will be quick to bring down the G man, criticizing the fact that he only had 1 board and 1 assist to go with his 22. The knock will be that he is soft and lacks intensity when he;s bit playing offense. Those people who feel that way can Der-a-lick my balls. The guy is only 19 years old. It takes time to develop defense and rebounding in the NBA. The bottom line is that Gerald is a FORCE on offense and he has the effort and enthusiasm to improve any aspect of his game. The Celtics do not need a "Bruce Bowen", they need a "Ben Gordon" spark off the bench and that will be Geralds job next year. The rest will come in time.
In retrospect missing the playoffs was the BEST thing that could have happened to the Celtics. They would have been 3 and out in the first round and lost their lottery pick. Even more importantly as pointless as these last few games have seemed they might turn out to be the most important games of the year come next season. Instead of having a timid inexperienced Gerald Green that would probably continue to ride the bench next year, they now have a blossoming young all-star in the making who has the potential to be 6th man of the year. Throw in the confidence boost to Tony and Perk and the versitility Gomes is getting and it is clear that this dissapointing season may be a blessing in disguise.
P.S. Despite being overshadowed by various Celtics sub-plots, Paul Pierce did score 30 points tonight and remains the reigning MVP of my heart.

Celtics lose! Celtics lose!

In a startling and disconcerning turn of events, the Celtics lost a game tonight. The Indiana Pacers were the victors, as thousands and thousands of Celtics fans wonder, "Wha happen?!?"

I can't say I know myself.

The Indiana Pacers are a very good team, however, compiling an impressive losing record and currently are tied for sixth in the Eastern Conference playoff picture. They almost win more games than they lose!

I didn't watch this game. Instead, I chose to beat my head against a brick wall, which is a lot like watching a team after they have been eliminated from playoff contention. I feel that I have a good understanding of what happened tonight. I will go straight to the superlatives.

MVP: Gerald Green, continuing his streak of winning this prestigious award in every single game he has played more than five minutes in. Actually, Gerald was awesome tonight. 10-16 from the floor, plus he dabbled in a little bit of everything else. He had one rebound, assist, turnover, and steal.

LVP: Brian Scalabrine racked up five fouls in eleven minutes. I think the refs were calling fouls on him so that he would foul out because he had a case of bad gas after an all-night beef jerky binge. My sources tell me that the refs could barely breathe.

Human White Flag of Surrender Award: Kandi Man.

Some teams have a Human Victory Cigar, a player so bad that they only get into the game when their team has a huge lead that can't possibly be overcome. The Celtics have the opposite. When Kandi Man gets in the game, you know the Celtics have abandoned all hope. Sending Kandi Man in says to the opposition, "Please, have mercy."

Now, you may ask, can a player be a Human Victory Cigar AND a Human White Flag of Surrender, depending on the night? Perhaps, but the Kandi Man isn't that versatile.

Doc's Grade: I think letter grades are too harsh, so I think I'll just give him a sticker. In fact, I'll give everyone a sticker, so that everyone feels good. Let's all hold hands!

Celtics Versus Pacers

The Celtics hit the court in Indiana tomorrow to play a team in which they should be fighting for playoff position. Instead, they will be fighting for garbage time minutes and cheap baskets.

The Pacers are led by Anthony "The Toad" Johnson. Johnson has effectively aced out Jamaal Tinsley, because the Pacers wanted to make sure that they started the point guard with the fattest face possible. The Pacers have cornered the market on chubby-faced point guards for some reason.

Pacers coach and former Celtic Rick Carlisle has the full support of the front office, which is nice to see. Usually a coach will get fired when his entire starting lineup misses most of the season. If you don't believe me, watch Jeff Van Gundy's career for the next couple of weeks. Carlisle has been dealt such a crappy hand by his front office for so long, it makes you wonder why he isn't interviewing somewhere else. Two of his starters, Tinsley and O'Neal, are barely healthy for half of a season, and Stephen Jackson is just as likely to punch a fan in the face as he is to score 30 points.

Funny to think that Jackson was outplaying Kobe in the McDonald's game ten years ago. One went to the NBA in the first round, the other went to Butler Community College, barely got drafted, played everywhere, and finally got to the League. I don't think people give Jackson's craziness enough credit, especially when you consider the fact that he brutally attacked fans just because his buddy was beating them. What a psycho.

The Pacers don't have much other help, either. Crusty old Peja's favorite thing to say during crunch time is, "Can I sit the bench, Coach? I don't feel like airballing, hiding, and turning the ball over." Danny Granger is a great talent but he plays his best when he ignores his coaches. Jeff Foster is more funny looking than he is good.

Anyway, let's get to the game.

KEYS TO THE GAME
1. Don't play Big Al or Delonte. Just don't do it. It's not worth it.
2. Play Gerald Green infinite minutes.
3. Give Paul a breather. He's carried this team all season, let some of his little homies do the work now.

PREDICTION
Gerald Green scores 55 points and dunks on every player on the Pacers. He also finds time to dunk on Rick Carlisle and Brian Scalabrine.
Celtics 100, Pacers 95

News and Notes

-No game for the Celtics today. No, it isn't the offseason yet.

-LaMarcus Aldridge has declared for the draft, which increases the Celtics' chances of getting him by a billion percent. I just hope he has a couple crappy workouts, some Europeans come out of nowhere and get taken in the top five, and LaMarcus drops into our laps in the eighth spot. Whatever the Celtics do, they should NOT draft this Tiago Splitter dude and make the same mistake that the Orlando Magic did with Fran Vazquez last year. That guy still plays overseas. Apparantly, Splitter doesn't know whether he wants to come over to the states. A little advice for all you NBA GM's- if a guy doesn't know if he wants to play for you, it's probably not a great idea to take him with your first round pick. It's a coin flip when it comes to whether a player will be good or not, and it doesn't help your odds if the dude never shows up.

-Tyrus Thomas is in the draft, and he's being compared to Stromile Swift. Is that a compliment? The best contribution that Stro has given the NBA is this video.

-Steve Francis says that he isn't to blame for his crappy play for the Knicks, saying that he needs more consistant playing time. This is one of those things- if you play badly when you're only in there for five minutes, why should you play more? It doesn't make sense.

-Former Celtic and current dirtiest player in the league Bruce Bowen is matched up against his nemesis Ray Allen and the Sonics tonight. Last time they played, Bowen kicked Allen in the back, then ran away like a pansy and pretended that nothing happened.

"I didn't kick him in the back! What are you talking about?"
"Um... clearly you did. We have it on video. Here you are, kicking him in the back."
"In that case, I apologize."

Bowen has also kicked Wally World in the face, elbowed Brent Barry in the face, and undercut Michael Finley. Yet, somehow, amid all this, Bowen manages to attack those who complain about his dirty-as-a-French-whore playing style. You can always count on Bowen grabbing his man when they go around screens, undercutting him on rebounds, and kicking him in the back when he's on the ground.

Bruce Bowen is one of the top ten reasons why the NBA needs to improve its refs. I know you're reading this, Bruce, so CLEAN IT UP.

NBA PLANS TO BAN HIGH SOCKS, TIGHTS

PUBLIC IMAGE OF PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL AS A BUNCH OF OVERPAID, WHINING CRIMINALS TO TRANSFORM INTO AN IMAGE OF A BUNCH OF OVERPAID, WHINING CRIMINALS WEARING SHORT SOCKS

In an effort to clean up the image of the NBA, the Commish, David Stern, is set to change the thuggish image of the NBA. What is he going to ban? Cornrows? Gang tattoos?

No way. Stern is going big. He is going to ban the symbol of everything gangsta in this word- running tights. With it, he's taking high socks down, too. The final straw was the other night when Kobe showed up in a ballerina costume, Lebron was caught wearing a codpiece instead of a jock strap, and Brian Scalabrine ran away to join the circus.

I think regular visitors to this website understand how I feel about David Stern. I blame him and him alone for the downward spiral the league has taken since the 1980's- a downward spiral that was nefariously covered up by the Michael Jordan Era. I blame Stern for adding some of the lamest franchises in professional sports to a formerly historic league and diluting the talent pool to the point where there will always be a roster spot open for Jake Voskhul.

However, this ban on tights is too much for me to handle.

Let me digress for a moment and consider the career of Scott Stapp, former lead singer of the Christian rock supergroup Creed. Consider these facts about Stapp:
1) He's a self-righteous Christian.
2) His music sucks.
3) He has the worst 'Behind the Music' episode of all time, which I will never forgive myself for watching all the way through.
4) He has been sued by his own fans for showing up plastered to a show and garbling his karaoke Eddie Vedder.
5) He has disbanded 'Creed' and launched the worst solo career since Mick Jagger.
6) He has drunkenly challeged the similarly washed-up 311 to a fight, saying, "311, I am ready to fight."
7) Most recently, he has starred in a sex video with the only man in show business with greasier, longer hair and more white trash qualities- Kid Rock.

Clearly, the man needs many levels of professional help. His career is in shambles, his integrity is destroyed, and his wholesome image has been obliterated. He needs more than a hug. Now, if David Stern was Scott Stapp's publicist, he would recommend a haircut and a shirt. This change is illustrated to the right.

Add a little Seacrest hair, a black t-shirt, and PRESTO... you have... a drunken former rock star posing for a mug shot.

Stern is attempting the same cosmetic changes in the NBA. Is anyone truly bothered by tights, other than all those righteous dudes that call me a fag when I go running in them? Even if they were offended, do they even get TV reception in trailer parks? Does the fact that Dwayne Wade wears tights threaten the integrity of the game?

Personally, I was far more repulsed by the John Stockton bulge than Bron-Bron's longstockings.

If David Stern really wanted to do something to improve the NBA, he would do the following for starters:

1) Get better refs.
Nobody takes the league seriously because travelling is never called but Kobe can get foul shots just for looking at the refs crooked. The idea that you have to be a veteran to get calls is outrageous. Why should the rules be enforced for some but not for others? Rules are rules, they aren't that complex, and David Stern should spend less time talking out of both sides of his mouth and more time finding a referee that won't ruin every game he (or she) participates in.

2) Fix the rules that suck.
Flopping should be a foul on the defense, for example. This isn't soccer.

3) Automatic ejections for swearing.
This should be for both players and coaches. Remember when Stern said that the players should wear suits, like businessmen going to work? Ok, that makes sense. The NBA is a business.

But... let's extend that logic a little bit. Let's use a banker as an example. He gets up, puts his suit on, and goes to work. He has a very busy day, so he's on the move, stressing out. At 4:45, he still has a bunch of stuff to do and an obnoxious client of his comes into the bank.

Does this banker:
a) Kindly greet the man, tell him it's not a good time, and have the secretary schedule an appointment for the next business day?
b) Buckle down and work harder to get everything done, perhaps staying after hours to get everything finished?
c) Scream a litany of profanities at the guy, say that his business sucks, he's a homo, he sucks at life, he's old and worthless and doesn't know what he's doing, and dropkick his briefcase into the street?

Well, if the NBA is a business, the players and coaches would choose option 'c'. But... at least they're wearing a suit. You want to look professional, right?

4) Stop expanding, immediately, and destroy the franchises that can't keep up.
We don't need more terrible franchises in the middle of nowhere with no fanbase. There just isn't enough talent to go around. This isn't because there were high school kids getting drafted, it's because there are far more roster spots for mediocre professional talent. Is the league better because of the Raptors or the Bobcats?


These changes would do wonders to improve the quality of play in the NBA and would not take that much effort to do. Either that, or just ban tights and watch that market share shrink!

Look On the Bright Side.....

Eddie Curry Does Victory Dance

Yes, the Celtics got blown out by the New York Knicks today...
While this is not the way you want your up and coming young Celtics team ending an already dissapointing season, there were still many positives to take away from todays game. First off Tony Allen had yet another great game ending up with 18 points. I think it might be safe to say that Tony Allen is back to his old self, a great sign going into next season. Another positive was that Perk finally had a solid game. He notched 17 points and 5 boards and for the first time since his injury played like the "swamp thang." Gerald Green continues to impress as well. Coming right off a career high 17 points last game Double G was at it again scoring 14 this afternoon. I smell a sixth man of the year...
As if these stellar performances were not enough to ease the pain of todays loss, theres one more bright spot to loosing to the Knicks. We get to make Eddy Curry fat jokes to mask our pain. So without further adoo, here are the 10 best Eddy Curry jokes emailed to iheartceltics.com.


10. Eddy Curry is so fat when he turns around, people give her a welcome back party!

9. Eddy Curry is so fat he has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.

8. Eddy Curry is so fat his blood type is Helman's.

7. The reason Eddie Curry is so fat is that during the offseason Larry Brown told him to "loose weight" and he thought he said "Eat Cake."

6. Eddy Curry is so fat, Scalabrine runs around HIM to lose weight.

5. Eddie Curry is so fat, his top plays take up two spots on Sports Center.

4. Eddy Curry is so fat, he gets a group discount at Red Lobster.

3. Eddie Curry is so fat he was babtized in blue cheese dressing.

2. Eddie Curry is so fat, his poops are bigger than Nate Robinson.

1. Eddie Curry is so fat, his underwear is so crusty, he put Betty Crocker out of Business.

What the....

CELTICS EXPERIENCE CHERNOBYL-ESQUE MELTDOWN IN FOURTH QUARTER; 'OPERATION THROW THE SEASON' IN FULL EFFECT; KNICKS EXCITED ABOUT A TOP-THREE PICK TO ADD TO A SURGING TEAM- NO WAIT, THEY TRADED THAT PICK TO THE BULLS FOR FATTIE CURRY

The Celtics were pounded today by the New York Knicks, getting outrebounded by almost 20 and getting outscored by 20 in the fourth quarter. When you think of the lows this season- losing every must-win game in the stretch run, for example- none of them were quite as bad as getting run off the home floor by the New York Knicks.

I for one, will forget this game ever happened as soon as I click the 'publish' button.

MVP: Gerald Green. Gerald has won this award in every game that he has played over ten minutes, I believe.

LVP: It's hard to choose between the other eleven players on the roster, but then again that's why they pay me the big bucks to write for this website. Raef wins because not only did he suck tonight, but he's been whining recently. Shut up and get more than three rebounds. Eddy Curry is making you look like Rebecca Lobo.

Doc's Grade: It rhymes with 'deaf'. What a debacle.

News and Notes

-The Celtics are playing the Knicks tonight. I am going to go way out on a limb and predict a Celtics victory, a random freakout by Larry Brown on the wrong player, fatness from Eddy Curry, defensive lapses by the Knicks' guards, a sulking precense from Starbury on the bench, a lewd and innappropriate comment from Isiah Thomas, and another breakout game for GERALD GREEN.

-Ben Wallace, the worst offensive player in the NBA, perhaps in NBA history, flipped out the other day when Flip Saunders took him out of the game with a little over seven minutes to go. Wallace had played the first fifteen minutes of the half. He swore at his coach, ignored him when Saunders tried to tell Wallace why he took him out, and then refused to go back into the game.

Class act.

Here's an idea, Ben, you play professional basketball. That's all you do, but you still can't figure out how to make more than 45% of your free throws. You have gone through a stretch where you hit 5 of 32 shots, and nobody is calling it a slump besides you. That's normal for you. A brain damaged spider monkey could drop kick balls into the basket at a higher percentage. That's why you can't play at the end of a close game.

How about you spend a little less time doing your hair, getting tattoos and scowling, and a little more time learning how to shoot free throws better than the worst player on the Perkins School for the Blind middle school team.

News and Notes

-The rumors swirling around Doc Rivers leaving the Celtics, I believe, is driven by a bunch of out-of-context quotes by the man himself. Doc has been a little more loose-lipped as of late because the season is winding down and reporters are asking over and over and over again about his future.

It would be silly for the C's to fire Doc. They are improving, the system clearly works, and when you're developing talent consistancy is the key. Look at players that get a new coach every season... bad news.

It would also be silly for Doc to leave, because he only has one more year being separated from his family, he's in an environment where the management actually supports the coach, and the team is going to be GOOD very soon.

Aside from the family situation, Doc couldn't ask for a better professional environment. Even the Rockets are thinking about giving Jeff Van Gundy the ax, and Yao Ming and TMac have been hurt all year.

It's rare for an NBA coach to have full support of management, a solid fanbase, a superstar, developing talent, and a GM that makes move to improve the team the way that the coach wants to improve. You can't ask for much more than that. The only bad parts about coaching in Boston is the idiotic media and the fact that Larry Bird isn't walking through that door. As we all know, the negativity in this town sucks.

-So, my wife and I are going to be moving from Utah to Washington, D.C. in a little less than a month, and we were thinking about going I-80 or I-76. Then Julius Hodge was randomly shot in the lower extremities while driving on I-76. Um... I'll take route 80 please.

Then again, Hodge does have a weird history of being randomly attacked. Remember when Chris Paul went ape and belted him in the nuts? Something about his lower extremities attracts random violence.

-Larry Brown and Jerome James both apologized recently- Brown for sucking and James for sucking down cheeseburgers like Scalabrine on a coke bender. I love how James apologized for not showing up in shape back in October. He then mentions that