News, Notes, Elbows, and Ping-pong balls

-Paul Pierce has opted to forgo surgery on his left elbow. Apparantly, doctors said that it was not necessary, and just rest is enough to take care of the problem. Sounds good to us.

-Clifford Ray was working hard with Big Al and Gomes yesterday... we love it.

-Everyone is saying that Shelden Williams from Duke is cruising up everybody's draft boards. I have heard that he may go as high as fifth. Yeeks. So much for my plan of trading down for Shelden Williams.

As far as the Celtics' pick, here's how it's shaking out.

The top three players appear to be Aldridge, foreign dude, and Morrison. The fourth pick is the Blazers. I don't know who they will be looking at because, I'll be honest, I haven't really been following the Sing-Sing Prison League. I'm predicting an unknown in the fourth spot.

I have a hard time thinking that the Hawks (5th pick) will pass up on either one of the top-ten point guard prospects (Foye and Marcus Williams). They were morons last year for taking whoever that guy is playing ten minutes a night and doing nothing over Chris Paul. They had JOE JOHNSON playing point this year. I guess the Hawks are stupid enough to be completely unpredictable, but I wouldn't expect a debacle quite as big as last year. They'll probably take the no-defense, no-outside shot candidate instead of the complete player in Foye.

The sixth pick is Minnesota, so you have to think that they'll go with Rudy Gay. However, I can see them doing something stupid and taking someone like Patrick O'Bryant. I don't want to do the Wolves any favors, but if you're a seven-foot dude in a six-five conference and people only hear about you the March of your sophomore year... you're probably not going to do much of an impact against NBA competition.

Additionally, if Foye is available at seven I doubt the Celtics will pass him up. He's a shooter, a true point, and he's always in the discussion when Ainge talks about the draft.

I would like to put my two cents in here, however, and say that if the Celtics draft Foye instead of a big man they are making a mistake. Foye is a shooting guard that will be converted to a point guard, and I don't think he has the skill set that Delonte has. Orien and Dickau are good enough as backup point guards.

If we're going to keep this pick, I would take Shelden Williams if he's on the board with a backup plan to draft Brandon Roy. Roy is the best player in the draft, but since we have a glut of shooting guards/small forwards, I think Williams would be a much better fit for the short term, i.e. Paul Pierce's career.

Lucky seven, or unlucky seven, depending on your perspective

The Celtics didn't get the top-three pick they were looking for, but instead they got the seventh pick they expected to receive. The Trail Blazers got totally hosed and wound up with the fourth pick despite having the worst record by far. The Raptors lucked out with the top pick. Since they are the Raptors, however, they will probably screw it up.

In fact, I believe that this draft is more deep than it is top-heavy, and there is a great chance that the player that the Celtics want (a Williams from either UConn or Duke, for example) will be available at that slot.

I also believe that the top three potential picks (Morrison, Aldridge, and Tyrus Thomas) have a high bust potential even though I would be totally stoked if any of them fell to the C's at seven. Not bloody likely.

All in all, while it would have been nice to nab a top three pick... the fact that the top three picks haven't been decided yet indicates that it's not a fantastic position to be in.

Danny Ainge is a mastermind when it comes to mid-draft and late draft steals, so we'll get to see what he does with a top pick!

PROGRESS REPORT, PART II (COACHING...?)

Alright, before we get started, it is the official stance of I*Heart*Celtics.com to send good vibes to the Celtics before the lottery tonight. Good vibes... good vibes...

Now, let's focus on the offseason progress report of our beloved coaching staff.

DEPARTURES
We got rid of two dudes whose names I won't bother to look up because clearly they didn't do a whole lot. Big Al was never in shape and I can't think of a player that really improved his skill set beyond just gaining experience. Dwight Howard, for example, improved a ton from season to season. Boris Diaw just got more playing time.

With such a young and impressionable team, we needed our players to be improving at a quicker rate. We can't just add two minutes per game to the young players' stat lines and hope for the best.

ARRIVALS
Clifford Ray will do wonders for this team, but we've already said that roughly a billion times. You either get the point or you are dumb as a sack of hammers. Either way it doesn't help much to repeat ourselves.

And... that's it. The Celtics have opted to go with a smaller coaching staff than last season for some reason. Perhaps they don't want to make any more offers after Jim O'Brien bitch slapped the organization and decided to continue paying no-name Serbian recruits under the table. All for the best... it would be awkward to have a coach doing his job from prison anyway, and it's hard to convert dollars to cigarettes for his paycheck.

I would say that the Celtics should have signed another big-name up-and-comer to coach, but the market seems to be pretty empty of these folks.

Clifford Ray fills a big hole, but I was hoping for a little bit more.

THE MAN IN CHARGE
Doc has received so many votes of confidence from the front office you know he's been doing a pretty crappy job. He has been distracted because his family lives in Orlando. Plus, his son was getting recruited last year. Plus, he doesn't really know what he's doing.

However, I do think that keeping Doc at least until his contract runs out is the right thing to do. Why pay a guy not to coach? Doc doesn't want to take a pay cut to go work for TNT. While "I'd rather not take a pay cut" shouldn't be top on your list of reasons why you want to continue coaching the Celtics, it makes sense. I'd take the extra $4 million, too.

Doc is not one of the best coaches in the league. In fact, I'd say he is in the bottom third- just above getting canned. That's not great for the Celtics, but hopefully Clifford Ray can fill in the gaps (defense, toughness, rebounding) that Doc lacks.

For better or worse, Doc is our man for the prime of Paul Pierce's career.

All in all, the coaching staff has improved. Unfortunately, if this coaching staff reaches its potential, it will still be a little inadaquete for such a proud franchise.

OVERALL GRADE ----> B+

PROGRESS REPORT, PART I (DA FRONT OFFICE)

The playoffs are still in full swing, but who cares? The Celtics are in their offseason. Time for a progress report. Today, we will focus on the front office.

FRONT OFFICE

DANNY AINGE
Everything appears to be in order in terms of the lineup of the front office. Nobody is going anywhere. The ridiculous Danny Ainge coaching the Kings rumor is as stupid as it is made up. It won't happen.

Danny is, as always, saying all the right things. I was among the confused upon hearing reports that the C's are only doing private workouts with point guards and big men, but Danny has carte blanche with the draft in my opinion so I won't worry about it too much.

(A little sidenote, but it seems more and more likely that the C's will not hold on to this pick. Call it a hunch, but so many players are 'dramatically improving their draft stock', as Chris Forde would say, that draft picks are becoming more and more valuable.)

THE WYC
Wyc is the same old Wyc. He says things that try to sound smart, but come across instead as rehearsed and phony. Wyc is one of those guys that when he walks into a meeting, he thinks, "Wyc, everyone here thinks you're the smartest guy in the room, so stay humble."

Meanwhile, everyone in the room is thinking, "I wonder what this pontificating blowhard is going to blather on about today?"

Wyc has been in the news making all sorts of boring and predictable comments, but this one caught me off guard:

[Doc Rivers] coaches these guys very, very hard. He's in their drawers for 2 1/2 hours.

Faaaantastic. Great PR. Nothing attracts a free agent quite like the thinly veiled threat of anal rape in practice.

Most players like having their coach in their face all during practice. Phil Jackson's players often like having their coach in their head during practice. However, I have yet to hear a player express the desire for his coach to be in his drawers for 2 1/2 hour a day.

Stick to the cue cards, Wyc.

CLIFFORD RAY
The addition of Clifford Ray to the coaching staff was awesome, as I have already pointed out. Ray was known for his rebounding and defense. These are Perk's strengths and Big Al's weaknesses, so this should work out great.

JIM O'BRIEN
The attempt to sign Jim O'Brien was puzzling at best. I mean, when you try to hire someone that would rather continue at his job making license plates at Sing-Sing... not a good sign. The last thing we need is a sketchball coach that put every program he was a part of under NCAA investigation. To go under NCAA investigation, you have to be as dumb as you are crooked. With O'Brien on the staff, it would have been only a matter of time before he and Tony Allen got into illegal arms dealing or a prostitution ring. Then, the Celtics would be investigated and eliminated automatically from the playoffs for the next ten years, wasting the prime of Paul Pierce's career.

DANCE TEAM
A master stroke by the front office. Do I enjoy watching dance routines? Hell no, unless there happens to be a token gay male involved.

But for those of us who attend games with women, you understand that any small part of the experience that makes it even a little bit more enjoyable for them makes our lives as men much easier. Kids and women like dancers and cheerleaders, most straight men don't really care either way unless there is a smokin' hot dancer on display, so what's the harm?

Additionally, the halftime shows at Celtics games are so, so, SO bad there isn't any way that they could get any worse. Watching third graders play basketball is fun maybe once a season, but that shouldn't the staple of your halftime show.

So, what I see here is a move that makes the game more enjoyable for women and children (WIN), no more or less enjoyable for the average male(DRAW), and MUCH less enjoyable for the irritating 'purist' who bitches about everything anyway(BIG WIN).

OVERALL GRADE OF THE FRONT OFFICE ----> B

Threatening free agents with anal intrusion during practice balanced out by a strong signing to the coaching staff and the addition of a dance team.

News, Notes, and Ben Wallace Bashing

-The Celtics have signed former center Clifford Ray on to their staff to tutor their young big men. Ray most recently worked with Dwight Howard in Orlando, and we all know how that one worked out.

Ray averaged 7 points and 9 rebounds per game during his career. He was known as a fundamentally sound role player throughout his career, and was a crucial player on the Warriors' 1975 NBA championship team.

However, the best Clifford Ray story is when he was at some Sea World-like venue and a dolphin got a bolt stuck in its blowhole.

"Is anyone here a marine biologist?" someone shouted.

"No," said Clifford Ray. "But I happen to be a legendary badass capable of anything."

Ray then, no joke, reached in and pulled out the obstruction, savind the dolphin's life.

I am more excited about the Clifford Ray signing than I was for the Wally-Ricky trade. The best teams in the NBA don't just have great coaches but they have great coaching staffs. The head coach does not spend a lot of time teaching fundamentals to his players.

Doc Rivers is a former point guard- he needs someone to tutor the big men. Al had an uneven season, while Perk had a good one but still wasn't consistant. Both are improving, but it appears to me that they are improving mostly because they get more minutes and are gaining confidence.... not because they are becoming better players.

Clifford Ray is just when these boys need to UNLEASH THE FURY in our big men.

Kudos to whoever had the idea to sign this guy!

-I know the Pistons won tonight, but did you see Ben Wallace in Game 6? He went 0-7 from the free throw line, including two CRUCIAL bricks in the fourth quarter and an airball from the stripe.

Zero for seven?

That's the equivilant of not being fully toilet trained until high school. I don't know what is more embarassing- airballing a free throw in the playoffs en route to an 0-7 night or crapping your pants at your eighth grade graduation. For me, the jury's still out.

BACK IN THE HABIT

Greetings, all those in internet fantasyland!

After a two week hiatus, I am back posting on our beloved I*Heart*Celtics.com.

Where have I been, you might ask?

First, I had to move from Utah to my temporary pad in New Jersey. I detailed my frustrations with UHAUL in my last post, and let me tell you- those bastards suck harder than a room full of starving aardvarks. After arriving, I have been training seven hours a day for the Celtics dance squad.

In my absense, many things have transpired that I feel the need to address.

-Danny Ainge is now rumored to want to coach the Sacramento Kings. I don't have any insider sources. The closest I have ever been to Danny Ainge was watching his slack-jawed son play for BYU. Still, even uninformed fanboys without access to the internet for almost three weeks know that this is a silly rumor that will never come to fruition.

"Friction" with management? Is there anything that management has prevented Danny from doing? He handled all the drafts, all the trades, all the contract extensions(or lack therof), and signed the coach he wanted. He's working for the organization he loves and he has a ton of up-and-coming talent.

Come to think of it... the Kings coaching job? That does seem like a good idea. Pass up a dream job with your dream organization to do a job you could have easily been doing already... for a team run by two coke-snorting, greasy casino owners with ludicrious expectations. Listen, Maloofs... the day a team from Sacramento wins an NBA championship is the day that Scalabrine is sporting a six pack of muscles, not string cheese.

For some people, "a source" is all you need to say all sorts of outrageous crap.

So, at this point, I want to let you know that I have heard from sources very high up in the Celtics organization that Paul Pierce had his best season only after agreeing to an aggressive workout regimen over the offseason of cartwheels and penis pushups. He had a strict diet of his own feces and Mr. Pibb.

-I have been watching a fair amount of the NBA Playoffs and I have some startling insights.

1) Kobe didn't shoot in Game 7 because he's an ass and he wants to prove to the Lakers that they need him hoisting up 40 shots a game to win. Charles was right on the money in calling Kobe selfish. Kobe wants to be the hero, and would rather look like an idiot and lose than let someone on the team other than himself get the credit.

2) Sam Cassell is the worst flopper I have ever seen and he looks like Alien. The third strike is that he yells at refs the whole game. You're out, Sam-I-Am. Hope you enjoyed the second round, thanks for playing, good luck trashing the Clippers on your way out of town.

3) The Lebrons are amazingly clutch, and I don't have any stats to back that up, but they have won tons of close games in the playoffs and the end of the season. They have won almost every close game in their last 20 or so.

I think the real reason for this success is the fact that Lebron can make the buzzer-beater, but he also PASSES in the closing seconds. When he gets quituple-teamed he can find the open man. So often, NBA teams draw up a play that leaves just enough time for a last-second shot and doesn't allow for a pass if there's an open lane. So often you see stupid last-second double clutch fadeaways after dribbling for ten solid seconds at halfcourt.

4) If you thought Steve Nash deserved the MVP, I hope you've changed your mind because Lebron has been going nuts in every game while Nash has taken every third game off. He had 8 points against the Clips the other night.

Giving Nash the MVP is a classic example of a bad decision compounded by people not wanting to look stupid. Nash's numbers this year are almost identical to last, his team finished about the same place with a similar record...

Still, you can't reconcile the fact that Nash didn't deserve the award last year, but in an effort to validate LAST year's vote, people voted for him again this year. Stupid.

The MVP should ALWAYS be decided after the playoffs are over. Lebron would be the overwhelming favorite, as he should be.

-The Celtics unveiled their plans for a dance team, of which I am in full support. You might say, "That's the last thing I want at a Celtics game."

To this, I answer, "Have you ever heard of Brian Scalabrine?"

I will never pass up professional dancers. The outfits? The fake enthusiasm? The fake smiles? The disinterested and uninspired crowd staring blankly at them while they sweat, yelp, and jump around? We should call these ladies the Doc Rivers Dancers for crying out loud.

-Kobe Bryant's perriwinkle blue sweater vest he wore on TNT last night was priceless. There hasn't been a wardrope-related public humilation that good since Seinfeld wore the puffy shirt. While Kobe didn't look like a pirate, he did look like a hyperactive pervert that still hangs out with prep schoolers.

-The buyout of Larry Brown's contract puts a smile on my face. I have often asked the question, "How could the Knicks hurt themselves any worse?" I thought it was a good question. I mean, they don't have anything close to the roster that you need to be competitive, but all their players have huge immovable contracts. They have no draft picks.

I didn't even CONSIDER the possibility of firing Larry Brown, paying him more NOT to coach than any coach in the history of professional sports has been paid TO coach... and then installing Isiah "First Round" Thomas in his place. Holy crap.

How could the Knicks make matters even worse? I don't know, but at this point, I wouldn't count out a James Dolan sex tape scandal.

Celtics announce dance team

Tommy Heinson announces resignation. Red punches Wyc Grousbeck in the junk.

One of the few teams whose tradition has survived the ugly metamorphosis of the 1990s-2000s has finally succumbed to showtime Lakers-style gimmicks. The Celtics have hired a dance team. Don't get me wrong, I think girls dancing is one of the great things ever invented, but stupid choreographed dances during timeouts are so stupid.

We already have cheerleaders, why do we need dancers. I LOVE THE CHEERLEADERS. They are all very pleasant and generous people besides Lucky. Dancers? The Celtics should have left that for the Lakers and the Magic. Seriously. This is Boston, not Orlando. Ugh...

Not best dressed? I'm depressed...

Just look at this man:

Paul "Mr. Red Carpet" Pierce is currently in fourth place in the NBA's best dressed poll on NBA.com. Considering this honor ranks slightly below the Sportsmanship Award (which PJ Brown forever marred by throwing a defenseless Charlie Ward about 15 rows back into the stands the day after he himself won the award), I'm sure Pierce is even aware of it.

But Pierce is losing to both Kobe "My Nike Symbol Looks Exactly Like a Cock-n-Ballz" Bryant and Alonzo "I own as many suits as I do kidneys" Mourning. Michael Jordan I could see, because he basically defines big and tall style better even better than George W. Bush defines Tribal Sovereignty: "Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a—you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." - Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004.

Worse than any of the aforementioned atrocities, I think Scalabrine got rediculously snubbed for the best dressed vote. He wears that Budweiser Bolero of Courage (namely his huge-ass gut) better than any fatty I've ever seen. Fatty.

News, Notes, and Sage Moving Advice

-Bonzi Wells is having a ridiculous playoff series against the San Antonio Spurs. He's the best player on the floor.

How much do you want to bet that some team is going to shell out huge cash for this deadbeat after the season is over, forgetting that this man is a career jackass? Wells is going to be a free agent. Let's go through some of Bonzi's greatest hits: suspended for cursing at his coach publicly, suspended for making obscene gestures at fans, suspended for hitting an official, arrested for criminal trespass with Erick "Band-Aid" Barkley, and my personal favorite- getting suspended for "undisclosed reasons".

I still wonder what those "undisclosed reasons" are, but considering Bonzi's history, sexual assault on Hubie Brown isn't out of the question. Whoever picks him up, I know he's a good player when he wants to be, but do you really want to pay this d-bag millions of dollars so that he can make your franchise look bad, get suspended around playoff time, and complain? Oh wait, I just recieved word that Isiah Thomas is interested, but wants to know if Bonzi could play the scoring point guard position.

-I don't think we'll have to worry about the Indiana Pacers next year... Stephen Jackson, Jamaal Tinsley (who still apparantly still plays professional basketball) and Jermaine O'Neal all want out. Oh wait, that's the best possible scenario for the Pacers.

The Pacers will improve by leaps and bounds without those three whining, play-when-I-feel-like-it, go-nowhere losers. Chances are some team will make a move and trade draft picks or young players for them, the Pacers will thrive behind Tony Johnson and Danny Granger, and the former Pacers will find a new host to latch on to and suck the life out of.

I know Danny has insinuated that he wants O'Neal on the team. Listen Danny, we already have a guy that's way overpaid to sit on the bench. His name is Dwayne Jones, but he shows up to games in his uniform instead of a suit, he keeps his mouth shut, and he doesn't punch fans.

DON'T DO IT, DANNY.

-Jamaal Magloire is getting shopped around by the Bucks, and I wouldn't mind having him plugging up the middle for the C's, but it looks like every team without an established big man- and that's 4/5 of the league- is going to be going after him hard.

-I am currently moving across the country, and I feel the obligation to warn all I*Heart*Celtics fans about the horror that is UHAUL.

It all started a month ago when I had a hitch installed on my car. They told me an hour, tops, and I was sitting on a stack of boxes for three and a half.

Fast forward a month to yesterday, when I find out that not only did these overpriced bastards install the wrong hitch on my car, they recommended a trailer that was bigger than my car's recommended towing capacity. Then, when I picked up the oversized trailer, it had a flat tire.

Instead of getting the tire fixed at the sketchy muffler shop 45 minutes away they sent me to (to pick up the wrong trailer), thanks to UHAUL bureaucracy, I had to drive all the way back to my local UHAUL with:

1) The wrong hitch.
2) An oversized trailer.
3) A flat tire.

So, I show up at my local UHAUL with the aforementioned problems and what do they tell me to do?

That's right- call their 1-800 number to get some hired gun mechanic to come fix it. So, after faithfully following their directions, I am rewarded with an hour long wait in their parking lot.

The dude arrives, and not only is the tire on the wrong trailer flat, but it has three nails stuck in it. Additionally, it is so bald that the guy thinks we would have made it *maybe* 50 miles before it blew up. Sweet- so right when we're on a mountain pass with no breakdown lane.

So, memo to UHAUL- not only am I never going to use your piece of crap service ever again, but I will tell this story to everyone I ever meet that has a move in even their distant future... and I do mean EVERYBODY.

If Isiah Thomas came up to me and asked me if he should use UHAUL, I would say "NO" and relay this story to him.

Yes, Isiah Thomas is a bastard, but I'd rather have him use the money he would have given to UHAUL to sign Kenyon Martin to a ridiculous contract. I would rather Kenyon Martin get the 300 bucks to spend on guns and prostititues. I would rather destroy the possibility of seeing Isiah Thomas pissed of and hitchhiking on the side of the highway with a busted trailer lying in a ditch.

So, beloved readers of I*Heart*Celtics.com, block out the idea of ever using UHAUL just like you have become so adept at blocking out the entire ML Carr era. Don't just avoid them, give them the finger whenever you are forced to interact with them. UHAUL is the Mark Blount of moving companies. I would rather strap all my stuff to a wooden sled hauled by Brian Scalabrine and Dan Dickau on a tandem bicycle than rent another UHAUL trailer.

So, don't pull a Rick Pitino and make an obvious mistake that could easily be corrected with common sense and two seconds of informed thinking. Save yourselves!

The Origin of the Scalbrine Effect

For all you SCAL-A-HOLICS out there, click on each Image to get a better view of Scal's adventure.