CELTICS TATTOOS!

As another mediocre Celtics season came to an end this year, us Celtics fans, as usual, have slid into our summer depression as we count the days to November. This year has been especially hard on us as we sat back and watched
our good old friend Antoine Walker win a championship for another team. With the trend of failure this team has seen in recent years it comes as no surprise that fans were quick to poo poo on Danny's off season aquisitions.
With all the pesimism in the air, as the start of the new season rapidly approaches it is even more important this year that Celtics fans get off their apathy and support the team more than ever. We will be watching a fresh and exciting new team next season, so it is only fitting that we rededicate ourselves to the Celtics in a fresh and exciting new way. What should we do you ask? Watch more games? Buy another Paul Pierce jersey? Get my hair cut like Dickerson and Tanguay? While all of those things are good idea, this year I want fans to make a real commitment to their team. We're all Celtics fans for life, so why don't we do something that shows that? I'm talkin' about CELTICS TATTOOS! That's right gang, I'm proposing that we permanently scar our epidermis in a way that supports the Celtics . Now I know you're all thinking, "Has he gone bannanas?" But I didn't just suggest it. I've already done it. You may think of me as a top notch sports journalist, but beneath all the awards and bling, I'm just a hardcore Celtics fan just like you. So last week I took a camera crew down to the local tattoo parlor and got every conceivable Celtics tattoo I could think of. It cost me quite a bit of money and skin pigment, but I managed to get some fresh new tatts that will fuel some enthusiasm for the 2007 season! So take a look at my bod, save your allowance, and beg mom to take you to the tattoo parlor.

The easiest idea you can use for a Celtics tattoo is to simply replicate a tattoo that a current player alredy has. While the current Celtics roster actually has relatively few tatts, one player we can always count on to keep it real is Delonte West. As a fellow red head, I decided to get his "REDZ" tatoo to give props to my boy Delonte.




Also, for the extra hardcore Delonte fans out there like myself, you might want to splurge for the Delonte "lip-discoloration" tatoo.



For the best player replica tattoos you would probably have to go back to the 2002 Celtics. Who better to start with than the heart and sole of that Eastern Conference Championship team, Eric Williams. The self-proclaimed "Original Creation,"
no Celtics fan could forget the giant "O" and "C" he tattooed on his shoulders. Not only did Eric have great tattoos but he embodied the grind it out, lockdown defense that made that Celtics team so effective. He didn't need to look glamorous, heck he didn't even need depth perception, but he always got the job done so I had to give him some love.




While the Lakers had "Superman" Shaquile O'Neal, the 2002 Celtics had their own bigman superhero in Tony "Batman" Battie. Tony had the Batman insignia tattooed on his upper arm with "Battie Forever" ingraved around it. While Batman was never as strong or dominant as Superman, we all know thatt Battie had the heart of 10 Shaqs and for that I decided to get this Battie tattoo.



After I finished getting my favorite players tatts done, I had to think of original ways to pay my respects to the tatt-less players. First on the list was Paul Pierce of course. Paul was a tough one because as he is so dominant on the court of the court, yet so quiet and reserved off the court. Because of that, I decided to do something simple and tattoo the Paul Pierce trademark green headband on my forehead. While it won't help me much in job interviews and probably not go over so well with the ladies, I will never have to buy another headband and I will always in be dressed for game time.



If it were up to me I would have a portrait tattoo of every Celtic that ever played, but even with my giant bod, I still only have so much room to work with. This meant I had to be selective when picking who to tattoo from the current roster. Naturally I jumped straight to the Scalabrine tattoos. Many people don't know this but Scal actually has a giant tattoo on his upper back. I made some calls and found the actual tattoo parlor where he got it done. I walked right in there and said to the man, "Sir, give me the veal special!" Hours later I looked in the mirror to find this masterpiece tattooed on my skin.



For all the real Scal-a-holics out there who really want to show your devotion to the big red machine, you might want to consider the "Scalabrine Nipples Tattoo," as well.



Last season the Celtics traded away old friends Ricky Davis and Mark Blount to Minnesota, but to me they are still a part of the team. In order to show my appreciation for their time with the Celts I had tattoos done in their honor. For my main man Tyree "Ricardo" Davis, I had Ricky Davis facial hair tattooed on my face. Ricky battled a bad repuation and overcame a lot of adversity to show the league he could play like an all-star. He also had kick-@ss side burns.



In his contract year with the Celtics, Mark Blount played like a champ. After he got that contract he played like a junior varsity girl. He pouted, he cried, and most importantly he dogged it on defense and rebounding. In order to show my appreciation to our buddy Mark, I had this tattoo done.



If there is one thing that most embodies the spirit of the Celtics, it is the sense of history and tradition within the organization. So naturally I couldn't leave the tattoo parlor without paying my respect to the players of the past.
What better place to start than the dominant Celtics teams of the 80's. The first person that came to mind of course is Larry Legend. While no tattoo could do the Bird man justice, I decided to honor him by tattooing a Larry Bird Mustache on my face.




One player from the 80's that often gets overlooked is Dennis Johnson. People give all the credit to the big 3, but DJ was equally important to those championship teams. I had the "Dennis Johnson freckles tattoo" done to show DJ my appreciation.



Finally I decided to give mad props to the "Chief" Robert Parish. One of the best fast break big man to ever play the game, the Chief was there through it all. Despite a coke problem here and an illigitamate child there, the Cheif had an amazing career playing solid basketball all the way into his early 60's. I had this tatt custom made for the Cheif to pay my respect and at the same time send a good message to the kids.



Then there is Mr. Bill Russell, the most underated 11-time World Champion ever. This guy understood things about the game of basketball that people today still can't comprehend. If he had the chance, Russell would have sprinkled Jordan on his Wheaties and ate him for breakfast. He would have gone Shaq-Fu on the "Big Aristotle." He would have sent LeBron back to Akron in a body bag. The greatest player ever to play the game period. Interesting fact about Bill was that he refused to sign autographs. Not for a fan, not for a teamate, not even for the league. Tom Heinshon used to have to forge his signature for team promotional signings. Bill thought they were stupid. He felt it was more meaningful for fan to shake his hand or have a conversation with him than get some stupid piece of paper. Well when his book came out a couple years back, I went to his book signing and actually got his autograph. After aquiring such a rare piece if Celtics paraphernalia, I thought it was only fitting to have it tattooed on my neck.



If Russell and Bird were saviors to the Celtics, that would leave only one man to play god God- Arnold "Red" Auerbach. The figure behind the Celtics dynasty. He had a hand in each of their 16 championships- an accomplishment no other coach, manager, or player has reached in any sport. When his players went to war, he was right there leading the charge. This is the man who once got in Wilt Chamberlin's face and dared him to take a swing. While Red will forever have a place in my heart, I also dedicated a large portion of my back to him.



While Red started a traditon of great Celtics coaches, their luck ran out of steam in the 90's. The biggest skid on their tighties being the hiring of Rick Pitino. A great coach in college, his stint with the Celtics was uglier than Travis Knight in a bikini. He did a lot of talking and even more losing. I also hold a personal grudge against the man after reading his self help book for an 8th grade book report that I got a C on. I did however love watching Bob Lobel ruthlessly rip into him on a weekly basis on the Rick Pitino show. Neither of these endevors did much to improve his public image as a giant
D-Bag. For my good time buddy Rick, I had this done.



With so many tatoos for so many great Celtics, my last tatoo is dedicated to an important man in the Celtics organization that isn't even a part of the team. He isn't a player, he's not even a coach. That's right, I'm talking about "Lucky" the Celtics mascot. Despite the fact that Zang Aurebach, the Artist behind the Celtics logo, would have most definently puked his brains out if he ever saw what his creation had become, Lucky still brings a lot to the table. He's got some nasty slam dunks, he entertains the kiddies, and he's got awesome giant neon Celtics hands. Well to show the world just how much I adore our beloved little mascot, I decided to get a very special tatoo just for Lucky!

UPDATED!!! Details of Pittsnogle's Contract

The Boston Celtics officially signed Kevin Pittsnogle the other day, and "Per team policy, terms of the contract were not disclosed." Good thing we have some moles on the inside. Here are some pertinent details of the contract. It's not a cush deal. Any misbehavior will be dealt with strictly, but there are plenty of incentives for him to reach for.

Page 3- "If Pittsnogle were to make the team, he would be required under penalty of a team suspension to go bowling with Brian Scalabrine and Brian 'Can' Doo on road trips. If Scalabrine starts to cry because he misses Raef and Danny Dick, Pittsnogle is required to give him a greasy, tatooed shoulder to cry on and buy him a hamburger milkshake."

Page 12- "If Pittsnogle is injured or does not make the active roster, he must wear the tuxedo he wore to his wedding on the Celtics bench. The hat is also required. No exceptions."

Page 13- "Stray dogs in the team locker room are strictly prohibited."

Page 13- "Fireworks and/or buckshot are prohibitted in all Celtic facilities."

Page 14- "Vehicles holding more than five rednecks are prohibited by team parking. The Celtics organization wishes to remind the Pittsnogle that dirt bikes, snowmobiles, four-wheelers, and dune buggies are not street legal."

Page 14- "Pittsnogle is required to refer to himself as 'The Pittsnogle'. 'The Nogle' is acceptable for short."

Page 14- "Pittsnogle is hereby prohibited from all contact with Dwayne Schnitzius."

Page 17- "Upon signing this contract, Pittsnogle's tatoo artist will be shot, probably by Tony Allen."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle receives a $5,000 bonus for every time his entire entourage is seen wearing sleeves. A $2,500 additional bonus will be paid if no one is wearing anything with a Confederate flag on it."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle receives a $500,000 bonus for every game in which he gets more rebounds than three-point attempts or personal fouls."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle receives a $100,000 bonus for every book he reads above a third-grade level. Pittsnogle will need to identify the main characters, the story, the lesson of the story, and give five new words he learned."

Page 18- "Pittsnogle will be fined $5,000 for every lame new tatoo he puts on his slimy body, and whoever puts it on him will be immediately put in front of a Celtics' firing squad composed of Tony Allen, Bassie, and Joe Forte."

Page 19- "Pittsnogle will receive a $1,000,000 bonus and have all hospital fees paid for by the Celtics if he agrees to a face transplant. The operation must be done by a licensed surgeon, not Pittsnogle's father/uncle/cousin/brother, or all of the above if they are all the same person. There are no loopholes here- we've been to West Virginia and we know how things are."

Page 19- "Pittsnogle will receive a $10,000 bonus for any game in which he outplays a lumbering white oaf that used to play for the Celtics. We'll throw in an extra fifty bucks if he was a Rick Pitino signing. Yes, any of them. Yes, Andrew DeClercq counts."

Page 20- "Pittsnogle will be fined $10,000 if he appears at a Celtics team function involving women, children and/or wealthy investors."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle is prohibited from discussing politics with Tony Allen. In fact, Pittsnogle is prohibited from even speaking to Tony Allen."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle must wear footwear into the showers. He must wash his hair at least once a month, with some kind of soap product. He will be inspected for lice on a daily basis by Brian 'Finding Lice is What I' Doo."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle can look at Paul Pierce, but he cannot touch him."

Page 21- "Pittsnogle is forbidden to speak to African-American players unless he is first spoken to. Pittsnogle is forbidden from using nicknames to address African-American players. No exceptions. If Paul Pierce hits a fadeaway three in Kobe's face to win the NBA Finals, and Pittsnogle yells "The Truth sets us free!", his contract will be terminated effective immediately. Pittsnogle has free reign to call white players whatever he damn well pleases, as long as there are no 'izzles' involved. The words 'dawg', 'homey', and 'cousin' can never be used under any circumstances."

Page 22- "Pittsnogle is prohibitted from repeating jokes or routines from the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour'. The phrase 'Git Er Done' is the fastest way to get this contract voided."

Charles Barkley announces plans to run for Governer

Celtic players follow suit in announcing their political ambitions

Upon hearing that Charles Barkley wants to run for governor of Alabama in 2010, many Celtics players capitalized on the American public's bizarre belief that people on tv make good leaders by announcing their own candidacy. Here's the "411":

Delonte West announced that he will be campaigning to become the first "American Goodwill Ambassador to Sexuality and Fried Chicken" with running mate and gold-recording artist Jim Jones. The two will work to make Jones' "What You Been Drankin' On" our new national anthem, and hey, its about time we asked such a patriotic question. Once in office, the two will recieve intelligence briefings every morning from Colonel Sanders while skinny dipping with scores of hoes in a chicken-leg shaped pool of champagne.

Gerald Green has accepted the ticket for the NBA's "Jewish-Gentile Relations Coordinator". He was offered the spot solely because he was the only person in the world that wears a headband like a yamaka and can say the entire "Hail Mary" between the time he jumps and when he lands, delighting fans regardless of what day their sabbath is. hurrah.

Brian Doo, who for those of you who don't read the blog regularly is the Celtics strength and conditioning coach, will be running for the Celtics' director of playing ultimate frisbee, surfing, yoga and spending time with his nieces and nephews. Running under the campaign slogan "Just Doo It", Doo is considered a shoo-in for this perch, although rumor has it Kevin Pittsnoggle has shown interest.

Brian Scalabrine has nominated himself to be skipper of the U.S.S. Buttermilk, a boat that he made out of balsa wood and chewed Bubblicious that he has docked in his pond of yoohoo in his back yard.

Tommy Heinsohn and Mike Gorman have denied rumors that they will run together on the Presidential ticket in 2008, although to us at I Heart Celtics that is basically confirming their victory, since this is only the "fake it" stage of Gorman's "Fakes it, takes it, and makes it" plan. Once they do announce that they will take the Presidency, we can assume Tommy will act completely without bias and address the important questions polarizing Americans today: Why don't people shoot hook shots anymore? and How do you pronounce "Smush"? It is still premature to predict the members of the Heinsohn/Goreman cabinet, but we surmise it will include: Walter McCarty, National Anthem Singer; Donnie Wahlberg, Secretary of State; The Red Head in Needham, Secretary of the Interior; Kendrick Perkins, Secretary of Defense; Willy May, Press Secretary; Violet Palmer, Secretary (thats right Violet, its the end of the rainbow for you! Excuse me secretary, make me a salad biatch! Chuckle chuckle haha).

A.I. Deal Falls Through; Ainge Instead Pulls Trigger on Pittsnogle Blockbuster

Celtics Fans Of All Races, Genders, and Creeds Join Together to Cry Their Eyeballs Out


By now you've all heard that Billy King has effectively taken Allen Iverson off the market, which is fine by me. Iverson was never the solution for this team, and giving up all of our young players for him would have made the last five years completely worthless and inane.

Far more disturbing is the apparant Kevin Pittsnogle two-year contract straight out of the Rick Pitino playbook. Ainge allegedly said of the signing, "Kevin Pittsnogle is the final piece of the puzzle that will bring a championship back to Boston. He's got an IQ of 35, but his basketball IQ is more around 40. He's a slow-footed white behemouth with a Todd Day mentality. I love what he brings to the table."

So what does Pittsnogle bring to the table? From what I can tell, he's like a Travis Knight with more tats, more three point attempts with fewer makes, less rebounding skills, slower feet, and fewer muscles. Check out this line from Pittsnogle's DraftExpress profile:

"Despite his lack of outstanding athletic ability, he does run the court moderately well for a post player when motivated."

That should get you all excited.

"Lack of outstanding athletic ability" = understatement of the century. However, my beef with this sentence is- who the hell calls Pittsnogle a "post player"? If "post" means wandering around the arc waiting for the ball to jack up a three-pointer, I guess that makes sense. Pittsnogle is as much of a post player as Dana Barros was.

Yes, folks, this is just the man we needed for the new, up-tempo, attacking Celtics. We just need to find out what motivates him so that he can run the floor moderately well. If you put a can of Schlitz on the other team's rim, he will run as fast as roughly half of the NBA's big men to get there. It would be a dead heat between him, Robert Traylor, and Oliver Miller. Whether he will be able to jump up to get the can, however, remains to be seen.

Yes, that's just what this fast-breaking team needs- a big doofus with Schntizius-like jets down the center of the floor, filling the lane on the break to commit charging violations.

Maybe we'll use him to start the fast break, you say? He has the rebounding skills of a 5'5" junior varsity team manager and the shot-blocking skills of a drunken midget. Nothing gets that up-tempo offense going like a confused white dude waddling around the lane waiting to get dunked on by the other team's entire roster.

DraftExpress says he will cause "matchup problems". Sure... for the team he plays on. If you let the guy he's guarding shoot the ball, it's almost a guaranteed basket. His defense could make Acie Earl look like Kevin McHale.

I have no idea what Danny is thinking with this signing. Pittsnogle brings nothing to the Celtics that the team needs. Insurance for a trade, you say? If we pull off a trade in which this guy is forced into a lot of action, we can look to contend for the NBA record for fewest wins. What kind of insurance would Pittsnogle provide?

The team is looking to be more athletic, more up-tempo, get more offensive rebounds, and develop an attacking mentality. On defense, the team is looking to give up few offensive rebounds and block tons of shots. Pittsnogle can't run, can't dribble, never passes, can't post up, can't set picks, refuses to rebound, can't get more than three inches of vertical and I think even those reports are bogus, can't play defense, and can't read above a third-grade level.

Sounds like a good recipe for a two-year deal, no?

CELTICS' DANCERS STOP TRAFFIC

...IF BY 'STOP TRAFFIC' YOU MEAN NOT STOPPING TRAFFIC AT ALL; BEACON STREET CARRIES ON BUSINESS AS USUAL AS THREE SCANTILY CLAD LUNATICS ROCK OUT TO CHRISTINA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD; FAT DUDE WITH MICROPHONE FIRED AS CELTICS DANCERS' HYPE MAN AFTER GETTING, LIKE, TWO PEOPLE TO CLAP FOR THEM AND I THINK THAT THEY WERE A CRAZY BAG LADY AND A PEDOPHILE



As we know, the Celtics Dancers' final roster was announced the other day. Based on the picture above, the team looks, um... experienced. They're also a little manlier than I expected, but I'm cool with that I guess. Maybe the Celtics Dancers can teach Scals how to not be such a pasty pansy-ass. Anyway, the other day Fox 25 gave a special promo for the Celtics' dancers, and I have to say I am consistantly amazed at how every time I learn something about them I get more EXCITED I AM about watching them at halftime. It's also amazing what they can do with hair and makeup these days.

Check out this link:
http://www.myfoxboston.com/myfox/pages/InsideFox/Detail?contentId=208002&version=6&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=5.2.1

You're probably going to want to bookmark that for whenever you need to get REALLY FIRED UP.

We start with three dancers standing in the middle of the road. The horn section for Christina's new hit, "Ain't No Other Man" kicks in. It's a perfect song, because there ain't no other man besides Doug "VB" Goudie watching this debacle. Here is a picture of the man. Sweet. I guess when Flava Flav isn't available to handle hype man responsibilities you have to get some dude that just graduated from the "Brian Scalabrine School for Competitive Lard Eating". It doesn't help that he gets his hair cut by Dan Dickau's barber, the only man that has kept the ancient art of the bowl cut alive.

The routine starts pretty well with a high leg kick, but then it all falls apart. It looks like the Dancers have the same problem with the Celtics last year- terrible spacing on the floor (or in the case, road), lack of cohesion, no chemistry.... about halfway through the routine I start to worry that they are going to start slamming into one another. Someone might get hurt! WHERE IS THE LEADERSHIP? The coach stands idly by schmoozing with VB while her dancers spin out of control. She should have called a timeout to get everything sorted out.

Motorists are clearly irritated and start driving around the dancers, including a taxicab. The cab driver was later quoted as saying, "I like women in short shorts and sports bras as much as the next guy, but those crazy bitches were dancing in the middle of the (censored) street! What the (censored) was that?"

If you can't get a (censored) cab driver to stop, you're hurtin' for certain. Maybe his keen cabbie intuition told him that these weren't attractive young women, they were senile old goofballs DRESSED UP like attractive young women.

Once the cab driver disses them, the dancers realize that they are fighting for a losing cause- nobody is stopping. Few people even give them a passing glance. They are checking the Red Sox scores or something. So, panicking, the dancers all try to dance outside of their ability. The routine is completely lost, and the dancers realize that not just one dancer can carry them for a whole routine. Deflated, they sleep-walk through the final minute and wind up looking at their coach wondering what the hell went wrong.

Thankfully, they have their hype man- that bowl-cutted gooey bastard- to sing their praises... because as we all know, no matter how bad the Celtics' Dancers are, they will always have socially awkward enthusiasts singing their praises. No matter how disorganized they get, no matter what kind of dubious contracts they hand out or confused they are about their direction, there will always be a "VB" out there saying, "That was great! Look at this crowd that's gathering!"

Listen, "VB", that "crowd" is an old woman nostalgic for the glory days of dancing and a dude that would enjoy watching anything Celtics related including the Kandi Man cleaning his toenails during a timeout against the Toronto Raptors. So, rock on, Celtics Dancers.

Hopefully, these dancers will get some valuable experience this season and build for the future. Either that, or they will make a series of seemingly enticing manuevers and launch an expensive ad campaign every year and be consistantly disappointing. I'm banking on the latter.

Delonte's car for sale on Craigslist! I*Heart*Celtics Staff pooling together all the money they've earned on Google ads to buy a single hubcap

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Delonte's old Mercedes Benz S500 AMG is on sale on Boston's Cragslist. It sonly has 8,400 miles on it (all miles logged cruising for chicks/driving through the popeye's drive-thru) and the paint color is described as "brilliant silver". What else would you expect from such a brilliant point guard?

Apparently Delonte sold it to some guy, who now is selling it again. Usually it would not be a good idea for someone to buy a car that has been sold twice and only has 8000 miles on it, but in this case, I will make an exception. I mean, this is a certified Celtic-whip, garunteed to attract chicks faster than a Nicholas Sparks movie. Still, I am torn between the Delonte-Benz and these other Celtic-mobiles on craigslist:

Brian Scalabrine's Isuzu Amigo:



When you hear Delonte's Benzi is on sale, you would imagine it would be pimped out. But the Veal-mobile makes Redz' Benz look like herbie the friendly VW. He removed the 6-CD player and replaced it with a 6-speed microwave, replaced the steering wheel with a wheel of jack cheese, and ghetto-rigged his engine to run on a global-warming-friendly mixture of ethanol and fundue. When he hits the horn it simultaneously plays the tune of "la cucaracha" and discharges the airbag, which he replaced with a party sized bag of smartfood.

Paul Pierce's 1997 Land Rover:



This car is slightly expensive, but worth the price because its rugged, loyal, and a leader no matter how rough the terrain. It's lasted 10 years now, and still running better than ever. This is basically an excuse for me to pay my respect to Paul Pierce, an amazing athlete and even better man, the only true "franchise player" to emerge in the league alongside Tim Duncan. Pierce could have had more money and glory elsewhere...he decided to stay with the team and city he loved. He looked genuinely happy in that press conference in Waltham, and my love for him broke that glass cieling. He will go down as one of the greatest Celtics ever, despite being unlucky enough to play in an era where bad luck outwieghed glory...

Kendrick Perkins' Hummer:



This car could destroy a small city. It could "eat your mortgage and benchpress your house" (M.J.). I call it the "20 and 12", not only for its gas milage:height in feet ratio, but also to celebrate Kendrick's stats next season. there are no easy buckets with this beast, and you would not want to run into this thing when you are driving down the lane in traffic.

Cars!

Don't Worry Folks- Leon Powe Isn't Going Anywhere

CELTICS SIGN THE 6 POINT PER GAME, 3 REBOUND PER GAME SUMMER LEAGUE SENSATION TO A THREE-YEAR DEAL WITH TEAM OPTIONS ON THE SECOND AND THIRD YEAR; DANNY AINGE RESERVES THE RIGHT TO BE VIEWED AS A GENIUS IF IT WORKS OUT AND A GENIUS IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT



Booyah!

In a move that may remove Dwayne Jones from the end of the bench and start his hot-dog selling career, Leon Powe was signed by the C's. In a battle for the fifteenth spot on the roster, Brian Scalabrine has been rumored to be pounding cheese steaks like nobody's business so that he can take up three seats to be worth more per penny.

This is a low-risk investment because we can turn him loose after a year if he doesn't dominate the NBDL this season. I don't know- his stats during Summer League were not good. His best moment was dunking on someone named "Andrea". Still, it doesn't really matter all that much--- you can always use some 6-7 power forwards at the end of the bench.

PASS ME THE BUBBLY

BREAK OUT THE SPARKLING CIDER BECAUSE PIERCE SIGNED AN EXTENSION; THREE YEARS AND SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS FOR THE THE BEST SMALL FORWARD IN THE LEAGUE AND IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT WHY DON'T YOU GET A COLORADO HOTEL ROOM WITH KOBE YOU LAKER-LOVING WHORE OF THE EARTH; I*HEART*CELTICS STAFF CELEBRATES BY BLOGGING THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT; SCALABRINE CELEBRATES BY EATING SIXTY MILLION HOTDOGS



Today the Boston Herald is reporting that the Celtics have reached an agreement with Paul Pierce that will keep him in Boston through the 2007-2008 season. Idiot Celtic fans everywhere calling for a trade will be disappointed to learn that the Celtics are going to be good next season because of this move, giving the "fans" very little to bitch about.

Pierce will be well paid, getting a nice raise that was well deserved after his best statistical season as well as his best performance as team captain. The Celtics' front office assured the team before last season that there chances of the C's making the playoffs were about as good as Brian Scalabrine becoming a Jenny Craig spokeswhale, but Pierce met the season with a great attitude to make sure that the Celtics would be ready for the next year.

Consider this stat line for Pierce:

26.8 ppg, 4.8 apg, and 6.8 rpg- career bests for scoring and field goal percentage and close to career bests in almost every other statistical category. He only missed three games last season with a very painful elbow problem that will be cleaned up next Thursday in very minor surgery. Imagine what Pierce could do pain-free with a supporting cast- he will be worth every penny.

So, everyone who reads this blod, do something to celebrate! Tony Allen, talk to your parole agent first, leave all your weapons at home, but then go and have some fun!

NBA Bodyguard = Worst Job Ever

...unless you're some sort of pervert.

In an upcoming article in GQ about NBA groupies that will no doubt feature I*Heart*Celtics.com owner Nic talking at length about his passionate affairs with the redheads of the league, we will learn that many NBA players are taking their bodyguards into the bedroom with them.

Why?

In the wake of the Kobe Bryant scandal, I can't eat Nutella without worrying about a sex offender staring at me. NBA players are in a different wake, however, because it seems as if they are worried about getting wacked with a sexual assault or rape charge when they sexually assault or rape someone. Seeking a loophole in the rules of common decency, some players think that having people watch them have sex will solve this problem. Enter the bodyguard!

Some writer named Lisa DePaulo says, "it's not just kinky, it's smart business". Listen, Lisa, if it's "business", no amount of friends or bodyguards will protect you when you get busted Hugh Grant-style for paying a skank for sex, or Eddie Murphy-style driving a transvestite around Los Angeles.

So, now NBA bodyguards get the priviledge of watching their employers have sex with NBA groupie skanks. Sweet.


In other news, Nic won't be posting on here for a couple days as he gets his application ready to be a bodyguard for either Brian Scalabrine or Bennnnnn W-w-w-w-w-ALLACE!!!! Good luck Nic.

We Don't Suck

The Celtics are so far 2-2 in Summer League play despite being the only team that has more than two or three roster players. In fact, when Jefferson, Gomes, Green, Telfair and Rondo are on the floor, there's a good chance those guys will be on the floor together, at the same time, during the regular season. So why are we getting smoked by dudes that have been pulled out of their cardboard boxes. John Gilchrist? William Avery? Kelenna Azubuiki? Most summer league teams are composed of idiots that never should have left college. Prepare to see Danny Gibson, PJ Tucker, and Leon Powe on more than a few summer league teams in the future.

So why are we losing to them?

It's very simple- these guys are playing for a sandwhich, our guys are playing to learn an offense and learn how to work together. It's summer league, for crying out loud. You've all been to one of these games. The players don't even wear jerseys. They play their games at huge forums like Brandeis. You can foul a hundred times and stay in the game if you want. Nobody keeps track of statistics. They bring in the And-1 mixtape tour announcer's crackhead stepbrother to handle the obnoxious screamed play-by-play during the game. The And-1 guy's classic line, "OHHHH!!!! BAY-BEE!!!! DA PROFESSAH!!! OH!!!! BAY-BEE!!!!" The Summer League guys say, "RAJON RONDO!!!! THE REVERSE!!!! WOW!!!!"

Nothing counts in the preseason, unless you are a spastic Celtics fanboy that demands a trade whenever Big Al misses a jumper. Nobody remembers the summer league except for you freaks, and the Summer League does not make stars. Kendrick Brown and Joe Forte friggin' dominated the Summer League. They bent the Summer League over their knee and gave it a paddling that would make Bobby Brown proud. Yet, somehow, for some reason, they aren't in the NBA anymore.

Each player just needs to accomplish a few small goals. What we need out of each player is the following:

Big Al- confidence in his ankle and rebounding fundamentals. It wouldn't hurt if he raised his Basketball IQ out of the special ed range, as well.

Gomes- improving his perimeter skills so he can move to be a 3/4 and give him more minutes on the floor.

Telfair and Rondo- Dudes, learn how to shoot a &$%#@*&% jump shot, you're professional basketball players. Whatever you need to do, learn how to do it. You're both a disgrace and you would make Larry Bird puke up his Larry Bird-brand wine all over Kevin McHale's hunchback if he ever saw you shoot. Sebastian, take a few minutes a day away from your pillow-gun-smuggling racket and hit the gym. Rajon, spend five less minutes practicing your butt-ugly scowl in the mirror and pick up a basketball.

Allan Ray- keep your eyeballs in your head and keep on shooting. You're looking the best out of anyone on floor. Being in a backcourt with Telfair and Rondo makes you look like Steve f-ing Kerr, so cash in while there's still time.

Most of all, as a team, just learn each other's tendencies and everyone work on their individual projects. There's no use going all out because this is Game 7 of the NBA Finals for Eric Chenowith while it's the SUMMER LEAGUE for dudes on a roster. Keep it real, get in shape, and prepare to bitchslap the Eastern Conference come October.

That is all.

CELTICS SUMMER VACATION!

With the Celtics Summer League starting up this week, the much anticipated 2006-2007 season has offically begun. While the youngsters are off refining their skills in Vegas, the Celtics' faithful can't help but wonder how the rest of the team is spending their summer. We live in a Celtics fantasy where the players eat, sleep, drink basketball 24 hours a day, 360 days a year, for the sole purpose of our entertainment. The truth is, the Boston Celtics are every day people who do everyday things. During the offseason they each go their seperate ways and for 3 months a year live a normal life. The Iheartceltics.com staff has been working around the clock to bring you this special report on how the Celtics vets have spent their summer.
We start with our fearless leader, Paul Pierce. We know Paul goes home and does charity work in California, but Paul also took time out of his busy summer to have dinner with his former teamate and best friend Antoine Walker. While Paul was delighted to see his old pal and happy that he won the NBA championship, he couldn't help but notice something different about him..



When the Celtics missed the playoffs and last season, Kendrick Perkins took their disapointing season personally. The Celtics coaching staff felt that Perk was too tense both on and off the court. They said if he didn't learn to relax it would hurt his game. In attempt to loosen him up Danny sent Perk home for the summer with a copy of Carrot Top's "Chairman of the Board." The plan didn't quite work as Perk laughed a total of 0 times during the movie. He did shed a tear at the end when Carrot Top got the babe and regained control of the company. The staff took this as progress.


After a dissapointing season Tony Allen didn't wasted no time, using the offseason to work on his conditioning. He even demonstrated maturity by taking newly aquired Celtic Sebastian Telfair under his wing, working him out, and showing him how to have fun in the city.




Even though former Celtics Raef LaFrenz and Dan Dickeau were traded to Portland just weeks ago, they still had quite a busy summer. The Portland Trailblazers weren't quite as accepting as Scal and the rest of the Celts were to the two injury prone white boys, so Raef and Danny D spent the summer trying to earn the respect of their teamates.



Last years soph sensation and vocal Popeye's Chicken advocate Delonte West was irate to find that a KFC had opened right next door to his Boston town house. Combining his urban saviness with his artistic ability Delonte took his fight to the street determined to run the Colonial out of town.



Doc didn't have time for fun this summer as he was busy preparing for next season.



Even though he was busy with the draft, Danny found some time to take out of his hectic schedule to have some fun with an old friend.



Finally, our good friend Brian Scalabrine did not have to play summer league this year so he decided to take the initiative and plan out his own rigorous training schedule. Scal managed to avoid the media by blending in with his competition and entering the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest under his Japensese alias Mee Sow Hungrii. Brian got out to a record setting pace eating 42 dogs in 14 seconds, but was disqualified after his urine sample tested positive for Hershy's chocolate syrup.

Cedric don't lose that number....just look what Telfair did to Kevin Duckworth's house (below)

According to the Boston Herald: "Recently acquired point guard Sebastian Telfair wants to ask Celtics legend Cedric Maxwell to request that the Celtics unretire his jersey number 31.

Telfair has always worn the number because he’s from 31st Street in Brooklyn, but the number was retired by the Celtics in Maxwell's honor.

“I just got his phone number,” Telfair said. “I’m going to call him.” "

Uh oh. This is bad. Asking a bonafide legend to remove himself from the banners of Celtics history is like asking Scalabrine to remove his tent from the hershey factory. It could surely spark a violent rage, especially in a man better known as "Mad Max". Those numbers are up there for a reason, they are untouchable, you shouldn't be able to take down a number any more than you should be able to take down a championship banner.

Regardless of Celtics tradition, I am glad the Telfair is indeed doing the right thing by calling Maxwell himself to ask about it. I could only imagine what that conversation would be like. And SCENE:

(Ring Ring Ring)
Cedric: Hello?
Telfair: Is Cedric there?
Cedric: This is Mad Max
Telfair: Listen this is S31T
Cedric: Who?
Telfair: Through the Fire's Sebastian Telfair, I met you at Jay-Z's "all white" party at the 40/40 club.
Cedric: I wasn't at that party, I've never been to the 40/40 Club.
Telfair: Yeah man, we were talkin' about you bein' in Barbershop 2, that was funny shit.
Cedric: No, that was Cedric the entertainer.
Telfair: Yeah man, he was funny. I was like yo! I go to the barbershop all the time and its just like that! Imagine me, Sebastian Telfair, at a barbershop!
Cedric: You mean the Sebastian Telfair that carried a loaded gun on a plane and then said it was your girlfriend's and you had mistakenly taken her bag?
Telfair: Speaking
Cedric: Aha. Welcome to the Celtics, I'm the radio announcer for the C's.
Telfair What's radio?
Cedric: Thats....no. Anyway, as a sports media guy, I wanted to ask you why did your girlfriend have a gun in her bag that time?
Telfair: She was 'bout to pay a visit to Kevin Duckworth, who wouldn't unretire his #31 jersey for me when i joined the Blazers.
Cedric: So what, he's Kevin "20 and 12" Duckworth.
Telfair: That's exactly what he said.
Cedric: Am I in trouble?
Telfair: You will be unless you give me your jersey number, I'm from Brooklyn, 31st St. got nothin but love for y'all!
Cedric: You want my jersey number? It's retired.
Telfair: 'Hell you talkin' bout retired? Do you know who I am?
Cedric: Where'd you get my phone number?
Telfair: I stole it of Scalabrine's cell phone, you were right between "Bryan Doo" and "Chili's".
Cedric: Damn it Veal!
Telfair: Just give me the number Cedric, and you'll have nothing to worry about. Remember, I hang out with Jay-Z and have a movie about me. I'll make you disappear.
Cedric: Damn it, ok.

Game 1 Box Score Analysis

The first game is over and the Celtics have won. Let's look at the box score and delve a little deeper into what this game means for the Celtics' future.

http://www.vegassummerleague.com/box_score.cfm?game=60

Leon Powe- This is a game that he will hopefully forgot, and hopefully no one under the age of 12 was watching because it was brutal. 1-3 from the floor, 0-4 on free throws, 2 rebounds, and 5 personal fouls in 11 minutes. You wonder how this guy slipped so badly on draft day, do ya?

Ryan Gomes- This guy is so good that you just have to put a "Not Applicable" in the spot where someone's position on the floor usually goes. He isn't a "SG" or a "PF", he's a "N/A". Sweet. He thinks outside the box, son. He does whatever the hell he wants. He's a 6-7 power forward, baby, but he's got the skills of a two. He was probably the shortest person on the block for either team, but he led the game with 9 rebounds to go with his 29 f-ing points.

Gerald Green- Not a great shooting night, but it was good to see him take shots going towards the basket instead of settling for threes and long jumpers. His game will grow as he gets more adept at recieving the ball cutting towards the basket. He has the necessary skills and mindset to be one of the best finishers around the basket in the league. 7 rebounds is no joke, either.

Big Al- It was good to see his ankles taped up, and he got better and better as the game wore on. He was tentative at first, which could be expected because he said in a recent interview that his ankles still worry him. He went after the ball, however, and his 8 rebounds show that his rebounding fundamentals have improved dramatically over the offseason. The fact that he had 7 fouls shows that his ability to foul transcends the rules of basketball.

Rondo. Rajon Rondo.- His four steals stood out. He is a ballhawk on defense that showed me that he can contribute right away on the defensive end. Too bad he shoots threes as well as Manute Bol and his angry baby turtle face makes me pissy.

Allan Ray- Gunner. He was often the best player on the floor, showing once again that Danny knows what he's doing when it comes to signing people who don't have lily white skin. Danny's track record for signing black people? Excellent. White people? Horrendous. I hope the Celtics can find a place for Ray this season, because he will be a good player provided he gets the opportunity.

Dwayne Jones- Managed once again to get on and off the floor without anyone noticing. This guy is tiptoeing around the Celtics' facility until someone looks at the payroll and says, "Who the hell is Dwayne Jones? Didn't we release that guy 8 months ago?" Keep living the dream, Dwayne, you mischevious bastard!

Sebastian Telfair- A pure point guard with a surprisingly sweet shot from distance. I liked him a lot, although the six turnovers were a surprise when I looked at the box score. I didn't notice most of them. He is a good change-of-pace player to pair with Delonte, who I'm hoping the C's will move into a 1/2 role backing up Wally. He made me think that The Trade was a good idea.

Wes Wilkinson- I heard the Subway I ate at in Grand Island, NE is hiring, Wes! Whenever a player has a night that I could literally have- I could foul someone in one minute of action- I have to think that they're Subway material.

Overall, a win is a win is a win, even in Summer League against a team of players you've never heard of or were surprised to see were still playing basketball. Brad Buckman? Did you really commit EIGHT FOULS IN FIFTEEN MINUTES?!? Get your pasty ass back to Texas. You're the Great White Menace, and you also suck. You never should have been allowed to wander off the bench at UT, let alone the Summer League Team for the Mavs.

NEXT UP: An I*Heart*Celtics recap of the ensuing debacle against the Clips. Tonight against Andrea and the Raptors. Get ready to watch the biggest number one flop in league history! Oh wait, you say that he averaged a single-double for one season in an Italian League?!? NEVERMIND. This guy's probably a stud.

Summer League In Session

Despite Speculation, New Celtics Have Strong Debut

Yesterday, the Celtics begun their much awaited summer league season with a dominating victory over the Western Conference powerhouse Dallas Mavericks 91-85. It was an impressive start to the season as 5 Celtics scored in double figures.
-Ryan Gomes led the way with 28 points, 9 boards, 2 steals, 2 blocked shots on 12-18 shooting. It appear that already in his second year Gomes has already become a seasoned vetran.
-Sebastian Telfair and Rajon Rondo made their debut in style dictating the tempo on both the offensive and defensive end. Telfair had 17 points shooting 53% from the floor, but most importantly he was leathal on the fast break dishing out 6 dimes as he really made an effort to feel out his teamates. For most of the game Rondo joined Telfair in the backcourt complementing his flashy coney island offense with his own lockdown defense. Instead of stepping each others coat tails the two showed that the point guard position is finally in good hands this year.
-Allen Ray also impressed in his first NBA game as he came out agressive scoring 10 points off the bench. It was clear he was playing with a chip on his shoulder, intent on shoving it in the face of all the brain dead GM's who past up the former college All-American in this years draft. After the game Ainge described Ray as easily the most ready to play of all the rookies.
- Dispite training hard in the off-season training session Big Al looked a little rusty, but still put up 10 points, 8 boards in 20 minutes. As always even when Al struggles, he still one of the most efficient players in the league.
-The D. O. Double G, Gerald Green didn't skip a beat from his career high 28 point finale last season. He put up 12 points including a couple of his trade-mark high flying jams, and hit 2 crunch time free throws to put the game away.
- While the Celtics summer league squad was clearly more experienced than the Dallas team and it was only the first summer league game of the season, thats not going to stop me from reading way too much into this game.
-The first thing that was obivous: Never disrespect Danny on draft day. The guy may have a sweet tooth for white guys with bad knees, but when it comes to draft he's Red Freakin' Aerbach. People were quick to rip his draft day decision to trade the NBA ready Randy Foye, for the bling bling specialist Sebastian Telfair.
It is clear from his college play and his 30 point debut in summer league that Foye will probably be a great scorer in the association, but honestly the Celtics have absolutely NO NEED for him. They have Paul Pierce and Gerald Green as their go to guys with Wally, Tony Allen, Delonte, as reliable complamentry guards. Allen Iverson might even be on his way. They did not need another scoring guard, they needed a pass first point guard and Danny pulled the strings to get two of the best available. After playing quite well last year, an injury cost Telfair his playing time. He's got the fresh start he wanted and is now determined on becoming a great player. People are quick to judge him, but honestly have you seen "Through The Fire,"? The guy is sick! He didn't just walk into the NBA, he was undersized and had to work hard all his life to get success. It also so happens with exception of maybe 2 guards, he's got the best court vision in the league. Worst case scenario he doesnt work out and we still have Rhondo, Delonte to run the point, and we saved 14 million by dumping Raef Lafrenz wobbly kneed carcus. Its a win win situation. Even for those of you still crying over passing up Foye and Roy, Danny did the next best thing. As soon as the 60th pick was made in the draft he was on the phone to Allen Ray's agent inviting him to camp and signing him up before the other teams could realize how incompetant they are.
The kids are finally ready to play and now that the backcourt is solidified, the C's can finally make a run for the title. They even have the depth so they could move two or three of their young stars to get a vetran superstar the likes of Jermaine O'Neal or Allen Iverson. Yeserdays game showed that the Celtics have youth, they have experience, they have flexibilty, and are now poised to dominate the 2006-2007 season.

WHO SHOULD MAKE THE CUT???

I'm not talking about the Celtics' roster. Who cares about that crap? I'm talking about the CELTICS DANCERS. On a special section of Celtics.com, we are presented with the finalists for the Celtics dancers. I have to say, the competition is fierce and there are many contenders. I will rank them, worst to best.

6) Courtney.

She never really stood a chance...

Her response to the question, "What is your guilty pleasure?":
"Gorging on ice cream while watching Sex and the City..."

I could have sworn she said "gorging". Did she really say "gorging"? Isn't that what starving hyenas do to a rotting corpse? Gorge on it?

It's got to be a pass on Courtney.

We already have one Brian Scalabrine to handle the gorgin, sweetheart, and our ice cream expenses are already bigger than Raef's old contract. We simply can't afford to spend $35 million a season just so you two can "gorge" on ice cream and watch Sex and the City together. Plus, chicks like that just puke it up anyway, making it a completely stupid expense on Vin-Baker-salary proportions.

5) Brianne. She does claim to be a "#1 Celtics and Patriots fan", but I don't believe it. She is probably a John Kerry-style Boston fan who loves "Manny Ortez". It's just a cheap ploy to get votes, so DON'T BE SEDUCED.

Two things bother me about her. One, her first concert was seeing Blink 182 in seventh grade. Since she lives in Worcester, and Blink 182 once came to the Centrum with opening act Bad Religion a few years back, I have to say that I was probably at the same concert and the little girls were incredibly annoying. We were there to see Bad Religion, of course, which was barely tolerable because of all the preteens running around they were part of a riot at the mall. We didn't stay for Blink 182 after their lead singer started off his set with a bunch of poop jokes that sent the crowd into near hysteria. I have never hated middle schoolers more.

Second, I have read this sentence ten times and I still don't know what the hell she means.
"My ankles get scared, and I absolutely hate feet."

If your ankles get scared, sweetheart, you don't belong on the BIGGEST STAGE IN DANCING HISTORY, that's for dam-dam. Especially because you're going to be around some of the biggest feet in the world. What are you going to do, cry in the locker room when Shaq and his canoe-sized feet come to town?

Then, the kicker- "I even wear shoes in the shower."

Yet, Brianne, you aren't wearing shoes in your picture. What's the deal? You some kind of nutcase?

While girls are often crazy, it's usually in an emotionally driven way, not in a "warning signs that you might be a serial killer" kind of way. I'll pass.

4) Javin. While she is a technically strong dancer, I don't believe she has the kind of effort and passion needed for the job. Tons of tantalizing potential, but no fire. We might as well hire Mark Blount in a wig, for crying out loud.

It would also be the first time that a WNBA dancer was pulled up the NBA. Has she proven herself? I mean, Carmelo Anthony may have dabbled in both leagues, but a dancer?!? Let's get serious here. We don't want to look like a bunch of jackasses on opening night.

3) Annete. She has guts and fire that could only come from THE KONK- Seekonk. Her abundant use of the triple exclamation point shows her Wally-like-desire to give tons of high fives and fanny slaps. Most of us find it annoying, but we don't have to be on her team, we just have to kind of ignore her at halftime and stuff.

2) Melissa. She's from Methuen, which gives her some bonus points. She is also attractive and has a dancer's body, which I guess makes her qualified, but she's sort of a "blah" candidate. Anyone who cries when they think their car has been hit isn't ready to make the Celtics' dance team in which Brian "NASCAR" Scalabrine regularly plows through the parking lot, hopped up on ten pounds of pork rinds, with his pickup truck filled with nacho cheese. Everyone's car gets slammed at one point or another during the season.

THE NUMBER ONE CHOICE....

1) MEG, for the simple fact that she's from ManchVegas, which makes all the difference. It doesn't hurt that her first concert was O-Town, a carefully constructed but uniquely hideous boy band who tried to make it big by singing about masterbating to a bunch of 12-year-olds. They had it all- faces that looked like they had been bashed in with a shovel, thin and whiny singing voices, loosely choreographed, poorly executed, and sexually explicit dance moves, and songwriters that loved thinking about these dudes masterbating. I wonder why their career never took off? Once they lost Meg, they lost their whole fan base.

Anyway, I like what this Meg brings to the table. Celtics fans aren't blonde cheerleader types, they're squat little sorta-Jewish looking girls from ManchVegas. She's the perfect fit, and I am going to lead an I*Heart*Celtics movement to get her elected, or whatever the hell your vote goes to on the website.

So, rock the vote, I*Heart*Celtics homies, and do the right thing- vote for Meg!!!

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: BEN WALLACE RESPONDS!

Dear Mr. Peisch,
Let me first say that I am a big fan of iheartceltics.blogspot.com. Everyday I am dissapointed to find that they have still not made an iheartpistons.blogspot.com.
While I enjoy your work, I took exception to one of your latest articles titled "The Ben Wallace Situation," and I am here to address it. I read the blogs, I hear the rumors. Ive heard of this Ben Wallace. He shoots lay-ups at 40%, and free throws from his arse......WELL I AM BIG BEN WALLACE! And Im hear to set the record straight!
Many like to attack my offensive game. They call me an offensive liability, but in what was considered an off year for me I shot a Detroit career high of 51 % with 1 turnover a game. For an offensive "liability" I tend to be pretty reliable on offense. Yes I am a career 42% free throw shooter, but seriously who gives two craps? Some of the best players of all time Bill Russel, Shaquille O'Neal, Tim Duncan, Antoine Walker all struggled to crack .500 from the free throw line. They all have rings, and guess what Peisch, I got one too sucka.
The reality if the situation is we live in a harsh world filled with discrimination. People discriminate against gender, they discriminate against race and they espcially discriminate against defense. Half of a basketball game is made up of defense. Sadly, it is also the half of the game that people find boring. When the NBA hands Steve Nash MVP awards, do they ever stop to consider that he plays defense worse than I shoot free throws? If they had accurate statistics to represent defense, Nash and MVP might never be uttered in the same sentence.
We can argue the emphasis of defense or the interpretation of my stats for years, but the real reason I wrote in is to discuss your chastizing the Chicago Bulls for signing me to a max contract. I hate to break it to you Ben, but your argument has more holes in it than Scalabrine's underpants. How dare you compare Tyson Chandler to Ben Wallace. That punk usn't fit to sniff my oversized jock. We're both angry, defensive-minded poor free throw shooting big men, but the simularities end there. The guy is soft. He makes rice pudding look like steel. He plays hard when he feels like it. I am the beast from the east. I play hard all the time and if I'm not playing hard I'll just refuse to play (ask Flip about that). When was the last time you saw Tyson Chandler get in Ron Artests face? The last time Artest came after Chandler he was spotted moments later on the bench weeping into Piatkowski's bossom. I wasnt going to let Artest punk me out, I took him out son! Sure it may have caused one of the biggest riots in NBA history, but unlike half the people in the league I acutally play with pride and dignity.
Lots of people say is Ben Wallace worth 15 million? And to those people I say start running because Ben Wallace is going to track you down and pimp slap you in the face. Tyson Chandler makes 11 million a year to come of the bench and play hard when he feels like it. Nene just got signed to a 6 year 60 MILLION DOLLAR CONTRACT!!! He played aproximately 2 game last year!You guys have been paying Raef Lafrenz almost 15 million dollars to ice his knees. Vin Baker makes 15 million dollars to drink Jose Cuervo outside the Harford Civic Center. Must I go on? Eddy Curry makes 10 million for being fat. Adonal Foyle makes 10 million to suck balls for a living. Seeing how I dont suck, play hard, stay healthy, am not an alcoholic, and oh yeah, am one of the best defensive players of all time...I think 15 milllion is fair.
As for the biggest flaw in your argument, you made yourself in what you call "The Ben Wallace Situation" part II. You trashed Joe D and the Pistons for how much they will suck with McDysse, Naz Muhammad and Kelvin Kato as my replacement and its true. The Pistons will not make it to the conference finals next year, they won't win 60 games, they certaintly wont win the Championship, and the reason they wont achieve any of those great accomplishments is simply because I won't be on the team. The ironic thing is that they probably won't score as many points without me either (cause guess who leads the league in offensive boards).
I am big Ben Wallace. The man who single handedly ended the Lakers dynasty. I have more defensive player of the year awards than you have hairs on your chest. I can make Dan Dickeau crap his pants by just looking at him funny. I make more on Fear the Fro wigs than you'll make in your life buddy. You sir are a disgrace to the name BEN and if I ever see your milky @ss on the street you will be pimp slapped. Just remember when I bring home a world title next year with Chicago I will give no shout outs to iheartceltics.blogspot.com...Well maybe to that red headed writer Nic Hansen, I really love his stuff.
FEAR THE FRO!
Ben Wallace

Celtics Sign Allan Ray

GOOD CHANCE DANNY THOUGHT HE WAS SIGNING RAY ALLEN; THEN THOUGHT HE WAS ALLEN IVERSON BECAUSE HE THOUGHT ONLY A.I. WEARS THAT KICKASS ARM SLEEVE; MAY HAVE INSTEAD SIGNED UNDRAFTED FREE AGENT TO A $80 MILLION MULTIYEAR DEAL; WE'LL TAKE HIM ANYWAY BECAUSE HE'S PROBABLY BETTER THAN THOSE TWO DUDES WE TRADED FOR

Summer League Roster- Better than Celtics of 2005-2006?!?

The Celtics' roster for the Summer League was set a little while ago, but I haven't commented on it yet. Here it is, via Celtics.com.

52 Akin Akingbala F 6-10 240 Clemson
53 Ndudi Ebi F 6-9 195 Westbury Christian HS
4 Ryan Gomes F 6-7 250 Providence
5 Gerald Green G 6-8 200 Gulf Shores Academy
37 Kevin Hamilton G 6-4 190 Holy Cross
7 Al Jefferson F 6-10 265 Prentiss HS
27 Dwayne Jones C 6-11 255 St. Joeseph's
0 Leon Powe F 6-8 240 California
12 Allan Ray G 6-2 195 Villanova
9 Rajon Rondo G 6-1 177 Kentucky
30 Sebastian TelfairG 6-0 168 Abraham Lincoln HS
9 Wes Wilkinson F 6-10 220 Nebraska

Akingbala clearly has the best name on the roster, and if he were to make the team he would be one of the only Celtics with a college degree (marketing from Clemson). I don't think he's good enough to make the team, but he's got to be an upgrade over whoever is handling marketing for the Celtics right now. I still can't get over the "Top Picks Ticket Pack" being offered on Celtics.com. Who the hell would be excited about watching Andrew Bogut or Kwame Brown? Let's see, you have a seven-foot tall white trash Australian from Utah that looks like he was hit in the face with a shovel instead of being spanked at birth. But wait! You also get Kwame Brown, who's best known because Michael Jordan called him a faggot. We need Akingbala. Get him in the marketing department, STAT.

Ndudi Ebi is in second place for best name. He is famous for two reasons- being the only Wolves first round draft pick in six years after the highly illegal Joe Smith deal. They were granted some kind of exemption to draft him out of high school. Ebi promptly started sucking. Then, the Wolves tried to make an exception for Ebi to play in the Summer League even though he was a multiyear veteran. He was recently cut by the Wolves and found his way to get on the Celtics' Summer League Roster.

I found this interesting, from NBADraft.net a couple years ago:

"His slender build will create lopsided mismatches between himself and the usually bigger power forwards. Ebi did show off his post skills against the super huge 6-9, 275 star junior Al Jefferson this summer at the Nike Peach Jam. Ebi played the big man fairly well on the blocks, swatting Jefferson’s shot at least five times."

I think Super Huge Al got the better of Ebi in the long term.

There are two random dudes, Kevin Hamilton (Holy Cross) and Wes Wilkinson (Nebraska). Hamilton's dad was drafted by the Celtics in the third round a while back, so maybe there's some potential. Sadly, there isn't. There's no hope of him making this team. It's not a tryout for him, he's just the token local kid.

Wilkinson was born in Grand Island, NE, where I once ate at a Subway. It was actually a stellar Subway. I had the Chicken Ranch, toasted. The dude behind the counter was exceptionally detached, even for a fast food employee. That's all I've got on Wilkinson, but white small forwards from Nebraska aren't in high demand these days.

Dwayne Jones has found some way to get back on an NBA roster. How he does it, no one knows. The guy sneaks around like he's just waiting for someone to ask, "Wait a minute, what are YOU doing here???" I think Danny Ainge is going to get rid of him by not sending him a paycheck and waiting for him to disappear. He's our only center on the roster, so Akingbala might have to split time between marketing executive and the five spot.

The guard spots will be quite competitive. I don't really know the difference between Allan Ray and Randy Foye, except that Ray is the one whose eyeballs pop out. I have watched a lot of Rondo. Rajon Rondo. and I am not impressed. However, Ray would have to blow him out of the water to get his spot. When you've traded for a guy, you don't get rid of him. So, Ray is basically playing to get on another team. Too bad, because I would rather have him than either Telfair OR Rondo.

So, in summary, no one is going to make this team that isn't on the team already. But, you do get to see who will be this year's Joe Forte and average 30 points, 10 turnovers, no passes, and 75 scowls per game. My money's on Rondo. That guy just looks like a prick.

So, there you have it. There will be no surprises, but it will be hilarious.

The Ben Wallace Situation, Part II- "ENTER THE NAZI"

Alright, so while I was writing that last post on Ben Wallace, the Pistons have responded to his departure by signing Nazi Mohammed, who has a career average of seven points, five rebounds, and a fraction of a blocked shot.

THAT'LL DO IT, JOE DUMARS!!! The Heat are screwed now!!!

From a basketball standpoint, this is bad news for the Pistons. Nazi Mohammed is not good. If he couldn't start for the Knicks, he shouldn't be starting for you. However, while I am usually hard on big men that are fundamentally inept, I make a special exception for Nazi just because I feel bad for the dude. He seems like a nice guy, but his parents' naming skills are the worst I have ever seen. You can't blame the guy for being skittish and ineffective if his parents called him Nazi Mohammed all his life.

Of course, his name is pronounced "Nah-zee" not to be confused with "Nazi". It's very close, but there is a subtle difference between the two. However, it's easy to get confused. Steve Kerr tried to write his name phonetically this year for his blog and started referring to Mr. Mohammed as "Nazi". Most of you associate "Nazi" with genocide, torture, brutal imperialism, and general jackassery in the highest degree. When you see the word "Nazi" written, you don't think of a gangly black basketball player, you think of a swastika.

Now for the last name- Mohammed. Not a great name to have in the States these days. That's just the way it is. I don't think there has ever been a worse time to have the last name "Mohammed". "Bin Laden"? "Saddam"? Probably worse, but just barely. Even the most tolerant and politically correct American would start sweating from every pore if a dude with the last name Mohammed was on their cross-country flight. We all try to be cool about it, but we all know it's true. This is because Mohammed is no longer thought of as a 8th century Muslim prophet. No, he's generally known to be the dude suicide bombers are constantly giving shout outs to, and that's the world we live in.

So what does this Nazi's full name mean? My name, Benjamin, means, "Son of the South of Israel". My little brother's name, Samuel, means, "God Has Heard". Nic means, "Receives Sunburns from Flashlights".

Nazi Mohammed, I hate to tell you this, but your name means "Jew Hating Murderous Psychopath". Very, um... unique. You must have, um... creative parents. Or psycho parents. Or creatively psychotic parents. Whatever the combination of craziness and creativity with his parents was/is, it sucks. Poor dude.

Don't worry, Pistons fans, this man is not the unstoppable terrorist Nazi we've been worrying about. He has not become a supervillain, combining backwards idealism, brutal efficiency, general lunacy, and complete disregard for his own health. No, not at all. This Nazi wouldn't hurt a fly. You're safe, Pistons fans... that is, unless your heart has the tendency to stop when you find out that your starting center is a Knicks reject, and the best backup center you have is Dale Davis. Dale Davis was playing basketball back in the peach basket days, and I'm pretty sure his mother drove a chariot to high school. No, Nazi Mohammed is not going to solve any of your problems except for the "who should I give tens of millions of dollars to?" problem.

Your GM's name is fitting. Joe Dumars means, "Gets More Positive Feedback for Accidental Success Than Anyone Should Ever Receive". Mark Stein will probably jiggle his way through a column praising this amazing signing of a 7ppg, 5rpg player for millions upon millions of dollars. The Pistons will sleepwalk through another kinda lousy season and make some more stupid moves in the offseason.

If it's any consolation, he happens to be my favorite Nazi of all time. He's the only Nazi I don't think is a complete f-ing bastard. He may just be the only Nazi I can tolerate! So, um, good luck with that, Pistons fans.

The Ben Wallace Situation

Ben Wallace signed with the Bulls yesterday in a move that surprised no one. Mark Stein is saying that the Bulls are a title contendor overnight. I say that Mark Stein’s chubby cheeks bounce when he talks.

Sure, the Bulls are title contendors. All they needed was a big, muscular, brain-dead shot blocker/rebounder who shoots below 40% on layups and free throws. Wait a second. This sounds familiar.

Bricks for hands? Bricks for layups? Bricks for free throws? Bricks for brains?

Sounds like Tyson Chandler, doesn’t it?

It all makes perfect sense. The Bulls’ battle plan is to load the floor with the worst offensive players in the NBA. I heard Popeye Jones is available if the Bulls need someone to brick three pointers off the side of the backboard. Dwayne Schnitzius is currently dominating the NBDL if the Bulls want to call him up to handle the flagrant fouls. Who knows, maybe they could swing a trade for Bruce “Stand in the Corner and Wait for Someone to Pass to Me” Bowen. I’m sure Doug Gottleib would take a pay raise to run the point and shoot 40% from the line. The Bulls’ ultimate goal of winning a basketball game 1-nil is definitely within their grasp now that Ben Wallace is in town.

I have never been a Ben Wallace fan, mostly because the backup center for the Perkins School for the Blind has more offensive talent. It drives me nuts that someone that plays basketball for a living can’t learn how to take a layup off of the correct foot or shoot a free throw. Ben, you’ve had a decade of professional coaching, and this is your foul shooting checklist:

Brain-dead expression on face? CHECK.
Feet splayed in random directions? CHECK.
Torso leaning backwards? CHECK.
Shoulders facing sideline? CHECK.
Knees locked at unnatural angle? CHECK.
Ball carefully balanced between left pinkie and right fist? CHECK.
Eyes focused on the fifteenth row of the stands? CHECK.

Checklist completed! Prepare for launch!

I once heard a commentator say, “He’s come a long way with his offensive game.” Really? He has? I wonder what he was doing before all that coaching. Attacking his teammates? Committing flagrant fouls on coaches? Snorting the hand chalk? Eating the ball rack? I think he’s the only player in the league with a shock collar on to prevent him from doing all these things.

The things that he does well- rebounding and playing defense- he isn’t as good as he was in his prime. Every game in the playoffs he looked worse than the one before it. He made Alonzo Mourning look like he was back in his Jeff Van Gundy-stomping days. On the Pistons, he was surrounded by great perimeter defense plus great help defense from his fellow big men. On the Bulls, Ben Gordon plays as much defense in the NBA as I do- none, and he’s the best perimeter defender they have. Have fun, Ben!

Some people named Nic will argue that Big Ben has intangible skills that don’t show up in the box score. Please. Only one man has the Scalabrine Effect, and he’s pulling a flatbed truck through the Krispy Kreme drive thru as we speak.

Don’t get me started on the whole, “Centerpiece for a Dynasty” crap. There never was a dynasty in the first place, and Ben Wallace was never irreplaceable. One championship is not a dynasty, especially when that championship came only after devastating injuries to your opponents in the first rounds was followed by an orgy of incompetence by the Lakers in the Finals.

However, it would have been a dynasty if the Pistons had drafted Chris Bosh instead of that sketchy-looking European dude with Fred Durst hair. If the Pistons had Bosh, Big Ben would have been riding the pine and the Pistons would be riding in victory parades. Oh well.... Joe Dumars is a genius, or so Mark “Jiggle Jiggle Jiggle” Stein tells me. Kelvin Cato might come around, you never know. It could end up being one of the smartest moves of all time. Most GM’s wouldn’t choose Kelvin Cato over Melo, Bosh, and DWade, but then again, most GM’s aren’t Joe Dumars.

So what does this mean for the Celtics? The Pistons have shot themselves in the testicles thanks to silly contracts and numerous dubious front-office decisions, the Bulls are poised to disappoint again now that they are being led by the most overrated player of our generation, the Cavs are poised to sign Bron Bron to a Kevin Garnett-style deal that will prevent them from ever signing another free agent, the Wizards will always be kinda sucky most of the time, the Bucks have gotten rid of their best player, and half of the Heat will be entering a “Complain Until You Rot and Die” Retirement Community.

I am predicting big things for our boys!