Kenny Anderson Is Available; Ainge Baffled About Where To Find Veteran Point Guard

Try Florida, You Nitwit

Kenny Anderson commented in the Boston Globe on Sunday that he's prepared to get signed by an NBA team.

``I just need that opportunity. I'm in shape. I haven't had any major injuries. I'm young, only 35. I didn't want to retire at 34 or 35. I've still got that hunger. I want to be 100 percent sure that I can't help a team when I finish, and I'm not there yet...I don't know why I'm not getting a harder look. I think everybody knows I know how to run a team. I'm not going to be a cancer on a team. I've always been a good leader. Why doesn't somebody say, `Hey, why not bring Kenny into camp?' "

EXCELLENT QUESTION. Since Danny puts such a premium on point guard play, and talks all the time about needing a "veteran" point guard, you'd have to wonder why he didn't think about bringing Kenny back to Boston.

To make sure he is ready if a call comes, Anderson trains four days a week near his home in Fort Lauderdale. Occasionally, Penny Hardaway joins him for workouts.

Ok, fine, that's not the best way to advertise yourself. If I was in his position, I wouldn't be name-dropping Penny Hardaway. Still, this information pisses me off.

If Kenny Anderson was playing overseas last year, why why WHY didn't Danny Ainge sign him to a couple 10-day contracts when we had no point guards? Remember when Tony Allen was bringing the ball up the floor? Remember all that crap about needing a "veteran" point to tutor Delonte? Don't you think that Paul Pierce would have appreciated someone else on the team that could provide some leadership and experience?

Kenny was a solid NBA point guard that was a starter for a Celtics team that overachieved like crazy and made it to the Eastern Conference Finals-and last year he was playing overseas and ready to go in the NBA while the Celtics waffled between mediocrity and "suck". There would have been no bidding war for Kenny's services. He would have been cheap, he would have been effective, and he would have added a veteran presence to a team with EIGHT players under the age of 24 and NO experienced point guards.

Instead of signing a useful veteran, Danny leaves roster spots for dead weight like Pittsnogle, Dwayne Jones, Scalabrine, and now BRIAN GRANT. Why not stick some veterans that have proven themselves to be clutch performers FOR THE CELTICS at the end of the bench instead of players that have no business even playing in the NBA? How can you expect to get solid contributions from "role" players off the bench if they are too young to even know what their "role" is? Sure, Scalabrine has many rolls, but they're the fat ones all over his body.

Yamma hamma. I don't like the fact that the more I read about the Celtics the more irritated I get.

OPEN AUDITIONS!!!

Looks like the Celtics' front office has another gimmick!

The Boston Celtics are looking for talented vocalists and musicians to perform the National Anthem at the team's home games throughout the 2006-07 NBA season. Talented groups, instrumentalists, children and other unique performers are invited to attend the auditions on Tuesday, September 12 from 10am-5pm, held in the TD Banknorth Garden's Gold Room, located on level two of the arena.

I would highly encourage anyone and everyone interested to audition. I think this is a great idea. However, I don't want anyone to be deterred by the competition. Our I*Heart*Celtics moles have discovered that several talented artists have already signed up, and we have a handy guide how to defeat them.

The Kandi Man is rumored to be teaming up with Afroman and will perform a Star Spangled Banner REMIX entitled, "I Get High (On American Pride)". A good way to stop this seemingly unstoppable duo would be to put on a Nene mask and run out of the building. The Kandi Man is sure to give chase, especially if his drug of choice that day is PCP. The chances are good.

Kevin Pittsnogle's supergroup bluegrass band "Three Pickers And A Nogle" featuring Doc Watson, Earl Scruggs, and Ricky Skaggs, has a smoking version of our National Anthem. Pittsnogle is rumored to play the jug. This group is good. You only have two options. The first is to spike their moonshine with copious amounts of LSD, convice them that you're the devil, lock them in a dark room, and play Aaron Carter's "That's How I Beat Shaq" on repeat. They will immediately flee the country.

The second tactic, which is much more dangerous to your own health, takes expert timing. Right before they go onstage, say to them, "Ricky, Doc, and Earl- when did you first get interested in roots music?" You will have to listen to hours of the most mind-numbingly boring stories ever conceived by man, but I guarantee they'll never get onstage on time.

Brian Scalabrine can't sing, but he can fart in eight octaves. Your only hope is that the farts will kill a judge and disqualify him from the competition. Either that, or he gets held up at Krispy Kreme Summer Camp.

Delonte West and Jim Jones have a rap version of the National Anthem tentatively titled, "Grab a Ho (It's the America Show!)". Your best bet is to dig a big hole, cover it with sticks and leaves, and put a bucket of Popeye's Chicken on top. It's a trap!

Kendrick Perkins is rumored to be a gigantic black version of Johnny Cash minus the perscription painkiller addiction and Jesus fettish. He's going to be tough competition, but if you innocently slap him on the shoulder before he goes onstage he's sure to be out of the contest for 6-8 weeks.

So there you go. Make sure you bring a Nene mask, LSD, your Aaron Carter CD's, a bucket of Popeye's, and a shovel. You should be all set... unless Walter McCarty shows up, in which case, you're f-ing screwed.

THE 'GET ME A SODA' CREW

This is the group with expectations on them so low that when they do something like set a good screen the Celtics fanbase will cheer them. These are players that don’t surprise anyone when they accidentally score on the wrong basket or commit a flagrant foul on a teammate. They either suck altogether, or are simply waiting until their contract expires so that they can go somewhere else- like the NBDL.

Vin Baker - no, he’s not in a uniform, but it warrants mentioning that we’re still paying his drunken turkey-gobbler neck.

Dwayne Jones - he is actually on the roster. What he does, nobody knows.

Brian Scalabrine - at the end of last season Scals vented about wishing he was on a team where he was valued more. The Seekonk Professional Eating Team tried to negotiate a trade with the Celtics, but Danny Ainge insisted that his Scalavision was too good to pass up. I guess Danny just doesn’t want a player at the end of the bench distracting the team by shooting people in nightclubs. Instead, he has a player at the end of the bench distracting the team with body odor and fart clouds of toxic death. Scalabrine’s only role on this team should be testing Paul Pierce’s food for poison.

Leon Powe- the Celtics signed him to a contract after a stunning 6ppg, 3 rpg summer league performance. I know he won all kinds of awards in college, but Dan Dickau was a First Team All-American for crying out loud. He is a tough post player with some good low-post moves, but I don't see him getting many minutes in the league because he was so reliant on his athleticism in college to be successful. Plus, he’s got bad knees and that is not good with big dudes that put hundreds of pounds of strain on their joints. However, considering that Big Al, Perkins, and Theo have all missed scores of games due to injuries in the last few years- it doesn’t hurt to stockpile some big men. Hopefully he will have Gomes-like growth during the season so we can further justify sending Big Al packing. I won’t hold my breath.

Kevin Pittsnogle - what more is there to say? He’s an oaf. When I said in the preceding paragraph that the Celtics need to stockpile big men, I should have added the qualifier, “that can play basketball”. You don’t want a player that steps on the floor and instantly brings less athleticism, less basketball intelligence, less rebounding, less toughness, and less skills. I guarantee that I will scream every time he plays. I also guarantee that I will pretend like I never said that if the Nogle has a big game.

Allan Ray - this guy won’t be getting any minutes because of lame politics, but it doesn’t break my heart. He could be a Dana Barros-type in the right situation, but we just don’t need that on this team. There are plenty of shooters with more to offer in other areas than Allan Ray. Unlike the rest of the players on the ‘Get Me a Soda’ crew, however, he will move on to bigger and better things after the Celtics.

FINAL ANALYSIS
This team is deep, but it’s not 15 deep. Let’s hope and pray to the basketball gods (Bill Russell and Larry Bird) that none of these players are pushed into long-term duty at any point during any season. But, since the coaching staff and front office are cra-a-a-azy, we should brace for the worst. I'll even go so far as to start a rumor that Doc is thinking about playing Dwayne Jones at the point in an effort to "go big" to counteract smallball lineups like the Phoenix Suns. Lord only knows what he's capable of.

THE SECOND UNIT

The good news is that the Celtics’ bench has a lot of talent. The bad news is that while the successful C’s benches of the past had players that did one thing well (Walter-shooting, Eric Williams-toughness, etc.), this bench has a stable of players that should be a lot better than they actually are. They can be exciting, but they can also be maddening. Case in point....

Big Al - in his rookie year, he was often the most exciting and effective player on the floor. Last year, he was always the most confused player on the floor, as well as the most likely to foul out in ten minutes. I don’t know what he did during the last offseason, but considering he showed up in Boston for the first time wearing Bermuda shorts in the middle of the winter, we know he’s no rocket scientist. Complicating matters are his anorexic-teenage-girl ankles and the terrible coaching he’s been getting. He had some kind of ankle surgery recently which apparantly went well, but Big Al decided to pass on the brain transplant which could have propelled him to All-Star status. I hope, hope, hope that Clifford Ray gives this kid some good advice, but I get the feeling that if you haven’t learned not to slap at people wildly as you’re dry humping them in the lane by the time you’re 20, you’re not going to learn it. If we can get 15-20 high-energy minutes out of Big Al, I’d be pleased.

PERK - unlike Big Al, PERK improved by leaps and bounds last year. He had one game against the Sixers where he looked like he was playing against high schoolers. It was awesome, especially because the year before he was the guy that was pulled off the bench to brick the crap out of two free throws in the playoffs against the Pacers. Unfortunately, he got hurt right as he was settling in to a good groove, and he didn’t look the same afterwards. He also had offseason surgery, which is good I guess, but PERK has never been one to quickly recover, so he’ll be on the bench a lot to start the season.

Tony Allen - assuming he’s not in prison, Tony is in position to have an excellent year. He came on strong at the tail end of the year after clearly worrying about his knee for 9/10’s of the season. His outside shot is much improved, and he knows how to play now, instead of just run and jump. He dribbles like Walter McCarty, but when he gets some space he knows how to get right to the rim. Tony is the perfect second-string two-guard for the C’s. Of course, he should probably be in jail, but whatever.

Sea Bassie - he claims that his gun-running days are behind him, and we can only hope that his run-and-gunning days are ahead. He was spotty at best in Vegas. He didn’t shoot well at all (somewhere in the low thirty percent), had a lot of turnovers, and didn’t indicate that he could guard anybody... and that was against some of the worst competition in summer league history. So, Danny, shut the hell up about playing him instead of Delonte- he’s an upgrade over that dude you had splitting time between the bench and Garden security or the dude caught going 90 mph through a residential neighborhood- but Kenny Anderson or Gary Payton would be upgrades over those guys. Stop patting yourself on the back.

Sea Bassie did demonstrate that he can get up and down the floor quickly and make the right pass. He’s a “true” point guard, everyone says, as if that term means anything. The alternative is the “false” point guard like Delonte, who shoots 50% from the floor, goes all out on defense, distributes the ball, and doesn’t commit turnovers.

At the best, Sea Bassie will be the change-of-pace guard for the faster second unit with Tony Allen and G-Spot. At the worst, he’s a faster Orien Greene with a worse outside shot.

Rajon Rondo - I know he was supposedly the steal of the draft according to the experts that watched the Summer League. I know he could have gone higher, and I know he was high on Danny’s list and Danny is a genius when it comes to drafting talent. I like Rondo. In fact, I like him a lot more than Telfair as the backup point guard. Rondo was an underachiever at Kentucky, but Telfair was the third-string point on the worst team in the league. He couldn’t beat out Steve Blake. Steve Blake is one of those players you see in the NBA and think, “Was that guy even good in college?”

However, I’m going to keep on harping on this point, but Danny’s idea to play Telfair and Rondo together is so stupid that it makes me wonder if the Celtics’ ownership started looking through his contract to see if they void it if Danny went completely bonkers and had to be stuck in a loony bin.

When Dwayne Schnitzius went into a tattoo parlor and said, “Give me a Bart Simpson tatoo”- that was a bad idea. Rondo and Telfair together is a TERRIBLE idea. I will give the reasons why.

1)NEITHER OF THEM CAN SHOOT. AT ALL.
Sure, they can get to the basket, but they are both short. They need to kick it out to somebody. Who? You’d better hope whoever is playing the three is open, because otherwise these guys will turn the ball over.

“They’ll dump it off to one of the big men,” you say. Sur e they will, with four opponents in the lane because there’s only one guy who can shoot on the floor.

2)THEY’RE BOTH TURNOVER-PRONE.
Both would be better suited for the And-1 mix tape tour. They make good passes, but they make an equal number of idiotic passes. These two in the backcourt is too much of a gamble. It’s a high-risk, low-yield investment.

3) MATCHUP PROBLEMS.
The Celtics don’t create any, because anyone can play defense on a guard that can’t shoot outside of ten feet. On the other end, you guarantee that a six-footer will be guarding a two.

and last, but not least...

4) THERE ARE FAR BETTER ALTERNATIVES AT THE TWO GUARD. Delonte provides better shooting, Tony Allen is better suited for the position, but most notable is...

Gerald Green - Doc and Danny need to play this man. Who cares if he doesn’t understand defense, no shooting guards do anymore except for the cheap-shot artists like Bruce Bowen. Pierce doesn’t lock down his man and nobody cares. BronBron doesn’t lock down his man and nobody cares. It’s not a priority.

Gerald can shoot from anywhere, get to the rim, run the floor... he’s the whole offensive package minus the polish. The more he’s on the floor the better he’s going to be. Why play the 6-foot human fun vacuum like Rondo when you can put a 6’6” scoring maching out there? It doesn’t make any sense.

Provided he gets minutes, Gerald will have a breakout year and he will also win the NBA Slam Dunk contest as a bonus. If Doc has any sense at all, Gerald will get serious minutes every single game, especially with Wally’s knees giving him so much trouble. He needs least 20 minutes per game. He’s too good, and the Celtics too bad, to leave him on the bench.


THE SECOND UNIT FINAL ANALYSIS

I have high hopes for this group. However, most good benches are composed of veterans that have settled into role players. This bench is a bunch of younger guys that want to be starters. As romantic as the idea is of keeping every youngster and watching them develop into superstars like the Celtics of yore, it’s not going to happen. The C’s will, and should, trade some of these young guys for someone that will help Pierce in the next year or two. Trade speculation is boring and mostly useless, but this bench is far too crowded with young players that won’t re-sign when their contracts expire. A trade is definitely in the not-too-distant future, but until that happens, I hope that this second unit can push the ball up the floor and at least score points.

The Celtics’ bench is deeper than most teams in the Eastern Conference, but consistancy will be a consistant problem. It’s good to know that the first unit will not need to rely on the second-stringers too much. But if the second stringers don’t work out, there’s always....

Is This It?

A Complete Player-by-Player Analysis of the Boston Celtics for 2006-2007

Since it gets less and less likely each day that the Celtics will pull some kind of blockbuster trade to put them in title contention, we should all accept the fact that the roster we have now is going to be the roster for at least half the season. I have dutifully accepted the challege of doing a player-by-player analysis of the team and where the Celtics stand in the Eastern Conference.

STARTING LINEUP

Paul Pierce - everything appears to have gone well with the supposedly “minor” elbow surgery, which entailed slicing the Truth’s arm open and zapping some stuff out with a high-tech gadget. Considering how many times Pierce has been stabbed, and how good he is today, I don’t have any doubt about his ability to bounce back and have another excellent season in Boston. The new contract clearly makes him happy, but I don’t think the Celtics came close to pulling a move that would make Pierce happy in the long term. Sure, 20-year-olds third-string point guards are nice, and undrafted talent is heartwarming, but neither is going to turn this team around. At this point in his career, Pierce knows he’s going to get paid wherever he goes. He’s one of the 50 richest athletes, according to Sports Illustrated, but he’s only going to be in his prime for a few more years. If the Celtics’ front office continues to celebrate signings like Kevin Pittsnogle and Leon Powe, Pierce is going to lose his saint-like patience.

Even so, Pierce is one of the top-three shooting guards in the Eastern Conference. He should have a season on par with last, because the team has not improved by leaps and bounds and they are still going to rely on Pierce to create a majority of the scoring opportunities.

Wally World - who knows what the deal is with this guy’s knee, but I am going to assume the worst because the Celtics have actually given some reservations about his health. Doc Rivers may have overplayed Wally to the point where his knee exploded- and for what? 33 wins? Yamma hamma. The good news is that Wally’s postgame press conferences last season went something like this, “My knee is cracking and popping every time I move it, I felt my femur snap in two during the second quarter, I was delirious with pain during the third, and I don’t remember the fourth quarter.” Even with press conferences like that, Wally had a good season and complimented the team well both literally and figuratively. Additionally, a bad knee does not hamper his ability to give hyperactive high-fives and unsolicited butt slaps, which is his bread and butter. We can only assume that his condition has improved over the offseason, so hopefully we can squeeze a few more solid seasons out of him.

Delonte West - he is going to be a man on a mission this season after the front office disrespected the crap out him. They praised his play last season (rightfully so), tried out every point guard available in the draft, talked nonstop about the need for a point guard, then pulled a trade for a point guard, drafted another point guard, and talked about playing both new point guards together at the same time. Delonte said that he welcomes the competition, and that doesn’t surprise me at all. Both new point guards are turnover prone, moody, young, stupid, and shoot from the outside with the grace and accuracy of a drunken Eric Montross. Delonte is going to set the league on fire this season. I’d even go so far as to say that he is one of the best points in the conference- assuming he gets the minutes that an elite starting point guard deserves.

Ryan Gomes - unlike his younger, more talented, and far more disappointing counterpart at the ‘4’ spot- Al Jefferson- Gomes got in done in the Vegas Summer League. He was named one of the best players of the tournament, and there was not a single minute that he was on the floor where there was any doubt that he should be the starter for the Celtics at the power forward position. He rebounds like Barkley- by finding position early, keeping the ball in front of him, and catching it with both hands. Since he does not rely on superior athleticism at any point of his game, he is almost always effective and knows all the little tricks necessary to be a long-term player in the league. His outside shooting is great for a four, but he does not rely on it to get his baskets. He doesn’t need plays to be run for him to get points, which streamlines the offense and gives more effective touches to the scorers. Gomes is the man, and it would be a travesty if he did not average well over 30 minutes per game this year.

Ratliff - PERK will need some time to recover from his shoulder surgery, and since Ratliff has been recovering from surgery for the last four or five seasons, he appears to be the man for the middle at least for the beginning of the season. That isn’t such a bad thing- while he gets bounced around by big guys, we only need to play Shaq a few times a year and we all know he uses the regular season for a) eating and b) hibernation, so Ratliff will do a good job. He was an excellent pickup for the Celts. He improved the center spot in terms of rebounding, shot blocking, defense, and he also stays down low to give the guards more room to operate. As the season wears on, he will be better suited for the quicker second unit. His shot-blocking skills and underrated outlet passing skills will be good for starting the break with Rondo or Sea Bassie.

THE STARTING LINEUP FINAL ANALYSIS
Watching the Eastern Conference playoffs last year made any Celtics fan wonder how the hell the Celtics could only pull together 33 wins. The Bucks? The Bulls? The New Jersey Nets? The Pacers? What the hell!

Theoretically, this starting lineup should be able to match up with any team in the Conference other than the Miami Heat. They have an elite shooting guard in his prime, an excellent point guard, a solid shooter at the three, a workhorse at the four, and a stopper in the middle with some basic skills. It should work. The X-factor, of course, is the coaching, which sets this team back. By scanning the rosters in the Eastern Conference, there aren’t any teams that have a clear matchup advantage over the Green. The second unit could make the difference...

UP NEXT: THE SECOND UNIT

Celtics Second Careers

Retired NBA great Charles Barkley is supposedly considering a run for Alabama Governor. We learned from current I*Heart*Celtics.com great Brendan Sullivan the other day about the current Celtics mulling careers in politics, but today we will look back at Celtics of the past. Days of research around the clock by the entire I*Heart*Celtics went in to this story. If Sir Charles reads this, he may think twice.

Greg Minor ran for NBA Father of the Year a couple years back after his retirement, but scandal rocked the contest when judges discovered that he had several dozens of illigitimate children spread all over the country. Minor withdrew in shame. They gave the award to Shawn Kemp instead. Today Minor is rumored to be going for two world records simultaneously- illigitimate children conceived and fewest child support payments paid per capita.

Kevin McHale tried to make it big on Broadway after his Hall of Fame career with the C’s. He went out for the role of Quasimodo in the adaption of the Disney movie ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’, but was told, ‘Quasimodo is a hunchback, not a friggin’ Frankenstein.’ Undeterred, McHale tried out for numerous roles as the Mary Shelly monster. Nothing came through until ultimately a job at the Harvard Town Spook Walk on Halloween. It was an unpaid gig, however, as the directors insisted that all the cans of soup were for Loaves and Fishes, not for his paycheck. The next day a small child said to him in the General Store, “the Spook Walk was yesterday, mister”. McHale decided to be general manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves to pay the bills, telling his friends, “It’s easy- we’ll just sign Kevin Garnett to a huge contract and then put anyone else who shows up in a uniform and pay them in old hotdogs and stale nacho chips!” However, McHale’s acting career soon hit rock bottom when he lost out on his dream role to Zan Tabak. McHale retired bitterly and now takes out his anger on the good people of Minnesota.

His good buddy, Danny Ainge, meanwhile, tried the acting road as well after his coaching career yielded the one highlight of getting a sweaty towel thrown in his face by Robert Horry. Disenchanted with basketball, he dyed his hair black and for a role playing Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie. He nailed the audition, but then it was revealed that he had forged his birth certificate and was actually 50 years old, not 12. Branded “Danny Almonte” by all of Hollywood, Ainge took his backup job as a Celtics executive. Along with his fellow failed thespian friend McHale, he is currently trying to build the first NBA championship team with one superstar and a boatload of second rounders and undrafted dudes. The two of them pass the time by trading bad contracts, signing more bad contracts, and missing the playoffs. Booyah.

Sherman Douglas experienced minimal success on a countrywide lecture tour billing himself as the only living master of the classic “wild straightaway runner in the lane high off the glass” shot. Douglas is said to be negotiating an exhibit in the Smithsonian alongside the underhanded free throw, the sky hook, and the two-handed set shot.

Jerome Moiso, after getting nabbed by Rick Pitino with the eleventh pick overall, immediately decided that he would pursue a career as a cab driver. When he gave Paul Pierce a ride the other day, it marked the first time that an eleventh pick gave a tenth pick a ride in a taxicab. Pierce, forgetting who Moiso was, still tipped generously and gave him an autograph, which Moiso sold on Ebay for $1,000. Moiso has since earned a gold star rating.

Joe Forte ran for NRA president on the “Get High, Drive Fast, and Shoot Guns” ticket. He enjoyed tremendous support until he showed up for a key campaign speech in a Scooby-Doo jersey. Confused, his aides asked him what he was thinking. Forte then demanded that he write his own speeches, called his political strategist a homo, and punched an unpaid intern in the face. He then went up to the microphone, called the NRA “a bunch of little gay bitches” and walked out of the building while lighting a blunt and giving everybody the finger. When he lost the election, Forte refused a cabinet position, calling it “totally queer”. Forte now speeds around the country, smoking crack, with a loaded gun in the passenger seat.

Bob Cousy flamed out as a TV announcer when audiences rejected his patented “bitch, bitch, bitch” broadcast style. Cousy constantly waxed nostalgic for the good old days when nobody shot above 35% from the floor, dunking was illegal, white dorks with monacles dominated, and the game was still played on peach baskets with leather balls stuffed with feathers. He now does politically correct voice-overs for old, wildly xenophobic Elmer Fudd cartoons.

If you read the newspapers in the grocery check-out line, you might see headlines like, “Bat-Boy Found in Cave”, or “Bat-Boy Escapes”. After retiring, Popeye Jones has never been able to settle down.

Dwayne Schnitzius tried to run for the position of Dog Inspector in his hometown of XXXXXX, Florida. His campaign website said, “Dwayne Schnitzius has compassion for the lives of dogs. When his best friend Jason Williams shot his pet dog in the face with a shotgun, Schnitzius dutifully buried the savage beast in his backyard. A vote for Schnitzius is a vote for compassion, professionalism, and a mullet.” Floridians came out en masse to support him, but Schnitzius drunkenly chased them away with a tennis racket.

Eric Montross, realizing that his skills as a basketball player were limited to airballing free throws, fouling six times in three minutes, and wearing a flat-top, decided to retire from basketball several years ago. Legend has it, the spirit of Karl Malone spoke to him in a dream, saying, “You’re Eric f***** Montross. You have your hair cut like a gay sailor from 1955. You once bodyslammed Shaquille O’Neal when you were supposed to be shaking his hand before tip-off. You were born to wrestle. Now, excuse me, Malone needs to sex some little Mexican girls.”

When Malone left to sweet-talk Kobe’s wife, Montross looked in the mirror and famously said, “I’m Eric f***** Montross”. He dropped everything, including his pants, and began to make a name for himself in the backyard wrestling circuit in upstate New Hampshire. However, tragedy struck when Montross broke almost every bone in his body trying to dunk a basketball in a pick-up game- but he got a lucky break. While his injury left him with his jaws wired shut, one hundred and fifty pounds overweight, completely immobile, white as a ghost, and unable to turn his head from side to side, it was for these very qualities that he caught the attention of the producer of the revival play, “Frankenstein in the Park”. Montross bumped into the man he was supposed to replace for the Celtics- Kevin McHale- at an audition. McHale, knowing that he would lose the role to Montross, decided to contact Montross’ agent to negotiate a contract with the Timberwolves to get him out of the audition room. The plan worked, but McHale lost the role to Zan Tabak anyway. Hearing of the news about the T-Wolves’ offer, an intense bidding war broke out for Montross’ services- with the big white buffoon ultimately landing an eight-year contract with the Utah Jazz.

So, Sir Charles, we know you’re reading this. You had a great career. You threw a dude through a bar window, you spit on a little girl, you bodyslammed Shaquille... and you’ve parlayed that into an excellent broadcasting career. If the Boston Celtics alumni are any indication, that is no small feat. Stick with what you’ve got- because before you know it- you’re a stunt double for the whale in ‘Free Willy 4: Willy Goes to Vegas’, like Oliver Miller.

BP in Italy

HAPPY TO REPORT THAT PAUL PIERCE JERSEYS OUTNUMBER ANDREA BARGABINWHATEVERHISNAMEIS JERSEYS 100-0 IN ITALY



So, recently I took a break from my full-time job of writing for I*Heart*Celtics.com and treated myself to an all-expense-paid trip to Europe to promote the site. Yes, folks, everytime you click on one of those Google ads and buy a Hummer, or a Kobe jersey, or a German shiezer video, we get rich. Ridiculously rich. We throw lavish parties that would make a Tyco executive blush, we buy vacation homes next to Michael Jackson in Bahrain, and we buy last-row seats at the Fleetcenter. So, keep up the good work supporting our wild extravagances, and I hope that you remember who gave you the link to buy that bulk-rate Cristal you’re sipping on.

Anyway, I was in the home of current number one draft pick Andrea Barginini- Italy- and I saw as many Barginininini jerseys as I did Greg Kite jerseys- ZERO. Not a single one. I did see plenty of Shaquille O’Neal Lakers jerseys, though. I also found a sweet stash of Paul Pierce jerseys in Venice. Booyah. If Andrea was a rotation player in an Italian league, you know he’s ready for the league. “Italian league” is where they explain to the players why everyone can use their hands as the game goes on, everyone smokes three packs of cigarettes an hour, and the game pauses for an ice cream break at halftime. The stands are filled with derelicts and gypsies looking to steal from one another. Yes, that Italian league training is going to serve Andrea well...

While I was over here I saw that Big Al got ankle surgery, and it’s supposedly ‘minor’... sure it is. When somebody that gets injured at the rate Big Al does, you can bet on at least two delays for his comeback and then at least a month or two at the beginning of the season while he ‘gets back into shape’ and ‘gets confident in the ankle’. Big Al, you don’t need to be in shape when you play twelve minutes a game. Perhaps if you could go fifteen seconds without fouling somebody, you’d have to worry about being in shape.

Big Al’s surgery, as far as I can tell, puts the entire Celtics’ roster on injured reserve. Wally’s knee apparantly got sewed back on backwards during his last surgery or something, Paul’s elbow is sliced up, Perkins has the shoulders of 80-pound anorexic girl with osteoperosis, Doc Rivers is still suffering from intense brain damage.... things are looking great for the season. Am I worried?!? HELL NO.

Ryan Gomes is up for scoring 80 points and getting 45 rebounds per game- that’s a given. If we could just get a combined twenty points and ten rebounds out of the rest of the roster, we’re still good for 42-45 wins. With Gomes, there is hope. I love that man, and if he were here with me in Italy I'd give him two huge man-kisses on the face.



GO CELTICS!