Heat Get Bullied

For those of you who missed the 2006 season opener you missed a lot, or you missed very little depending on how you look at it. The game was...a game for a quarter or so and the Heat even had a two point lead early on. After the first twelve minutes the Bulls absolutely took it to the defending champs. The final score of 108-66 tells much of the story but I will fill you in on some details.
That 42 point loss is the worst opening day loss by a defending World Champ ever (as you could probably have guessed). The previous worst was only 15 points 24 years ago by the Lakers. This is what NBA.com said about giving the Heat the top spot in the power rankings, "Unsure why they're here? [Click here] or just tune to TNT at 8 p.m. ET tonight. That should clear up any confusion … for now, at least." Well someone blew this one and I am not referring to the writer in the power rankings, I am talking about each player (except for Wade) on the Heat (and Riley can take some blame too). Maybe the Heat played the whole 48 minutes with the championship rings on their fingers.
I would not have guessed it possible for a defending champ to have more turnovers than buckets in the first half, 13 to 10, but the Heat managed it. Wade played very well, making 10 of 15 from the field on his way to 25, but the rest of the team played horribly (no other played managed double figures). It is good to see that Antoine picked up where he left off in his first stint with the C's, going 0 for 6 from long range. Ben Wallace in his Chicago debut made Shaq a nonfactor as "Diesel" finished with just seven points and five boards.
The way Chicago played tonight shouldn't get lost in this game however. The Bulls shot nearly 50% from the field, outrebounded the Heat by 20, and distributed the ball well, as every player had an assist (even Thabo Sefolosha and Viktor Khryapa). Hinrich showed how grateful he was for being locked up for the next five years by scoring 26, and Duhon was lights out on his way to 20 in 17 minutes (7 for 8 from the field while hitting all three attempts from beyond the arc).
Look for the Heat to right the ship quickly and run away with the Southeast title, and the Bulls to fight for that division crown with the Cavs and those beloved Pistons (gosh I love Rodman, Thomas, Salley, and Laimbeer).

In other news the Lakers beat the Suns despite being down 15 after the first and playing without Kobe.
Also, Rondo is the number 2 ranked rookie going into this first week.

CELTICS HALLOWEEN PARTY

Doc Rivers organized a Halloween party last weekend for the Celtics to relax them for the season opener on November 1. He put on a Stevie Wonder costume and invited everyone to his house for a costume party and some cocktails. I*Heart*Celtics.com managed to sneak in dressed up as Greg Dickerson and Gary Tanguay. In other words, we beat our faces with shovels and cut our hair with a weed-eater- all for our loyal fans.

Here’s how it went down... not exactly as planned...

5:15 PM- Luke Jackson and Kevin Pittsnogle are the first to arrive at Doc’s house. Luke Jackson is wearing one of his summer league jerseys, and Pittsnogle is wearing a potato sack and a coonskin cap. The invitation said 7:00. Doc, confused because both players were cut in the weeks prior, is forced to make awkward conversation.

6:11 PM- Doc ends his discussion about the youth and talent of the Celtics and begins to explain his “rotation” for the regular season.

6:53 PM- Doc is still explaining the wisdom behind the 15-man rotation.

7:05 PM- Danny Ainge has a long white beard and suspenders. He has several women wearing bonnets with him. No one can tell if he’s joking or not, and he immediately joins Doc in explaining the 15-man rotation.

7:06 PM- Clifford Ray is wearing a “Shaft” costume from the Shaft In Africa era.

7:09 PM- “Doc knows basketball, and he knows that he can’t have an eight man rotation at this point,” Danny says with a furrowed brow.

7:11 PM- Pittsnogle says, “That rotation doesn’t make any f---ing sense.”

7:12 PM- Vin Baker shows up, hammered beyond belief, turkey gobbler neck flapping in the breeze. Doc hands him the keys to his Lexus, but he won’t go away. Danny starts leaving bundles of money on a long trail to lead Vin around the corner and out of town.

7:13 PM- Brian Grant wanders in wearing a Winnie the Pooh costume and immediately falls asleep in the corner.

7:18 PM- Wally World walks in shirtless and wearing sunglasses. He has a long line of teenage girls following him, and no one understands what the hell his costume is. He answers, “Sexy.”

7:19 PM- Paul Pierce is the next to arrive with his main man Tony Battie. Battie is an immediate crowd pleaser for wearing a Batman costume. Pierce is wearing a three-piece suit constructed completely out of hundred dollar bills.

7:21 PM- Brian Doo comes running in to the party like a maniac, wearing nothing but gray body paint, jumping on the furniture. He runs over to a candy bowl and starts screeching “MY PRECIOUS!” while clutching Milk Duds. It is soon revealed that he is Gollum.

7:22-7:26 PM- Complete silence.

7:26 PM- Raef and Danny Dickau show up dressed as Frodo and Samwise.

7:27 PM- Big Al arrives wearing Bermuda shorts, flip-flops, and a wife beater. He’s shivering. “That ass still hasn’t figured out that it’s cold in Massachusetts,” Doc mutters.

7:28 PM- Raef and Dickau are completely in character. "I need you, Danny," Raef says. "I mean, Samwise."

7:29 PM- Pittsnogle heads outside with his shotgun and starts shooting at the moon.

7:30 PM- Perk is wearing a full Robocop getup. "YOUR MOVE, CREEPS!" he shouts.

7:31 PM- Gerald Green shows up in a Mickey Mouse costume. His mother is his date, and she immediately pulls Gerald over to Doc to thank him for the invitation.

7:37 PM- CNN begins to run a story, “COWARDLY LION BEGINS HALLOWEEN REIGN OF TERROR.” There is a lunatic running all around Boston shoving kids over and stealing their candy, smashing into homes to take candy, and even eating jack-o-laterns.

7:41 PM- Big Al accidentally drops a candy bar. Doc demands that he leave the party immediately.

7:51 PM- Scalabrine shows up in a Cowardly Lion costume. He has a crazy look in his eye. “WHERE IS THE CANDY?!?” The underaged girls cling to Wally for protection.

7:53 PM- Rajon Rondo walks in. He’s not wearing a costume. Luke Jackson says hello, but Rondo gives him a withering stare that makes him start to cry.

7:59 PM- Telfair rings the doorbell. He’s dressed up like Leonardo from the Ninja Turtles. Doc answers the door, sees that Bassie has a pillow in his hand, and screams. Pandemonium ensues.

8:01 PM- Telfair finally convinces everyone that the pillowcase is just to hold his candy he got trick or treating. And his girlfriend’s gun.

8:03 PM- Gerald Green is having a great time. He is the life of the party. Doc angrily sends him to bed.

8:05 PM- Scalabrine kicks the party into high gear when he pulls out a funnel. His drink of choice is chocolate syrup.

8:06 PM- Small world! It turns out that Telfair used to babysit one of Wally’s fangirls.

8:10 PM- Theo Ratliff is an immediate hit with his Jules Winnfield getup. Doc slaps him on the back, slipping three disks.

8:15 PM- Battie and Theo meet for the first time. They are remarkably similar, except that Theo is wearing a Rolex and driving a Bentley while Batman is wearing a Timex and driving a Hyundai.

8:17 PM- Ryan Gomes swings by on his way back from the gym. He’s covered in sweat. He says hello to Doc, who pretends to be actually blind so that he doesn’t have to acknowledge Gomes’ existence.

8:23 PM- Brian “Gollum” Doo irritates RoboPerkins. Perk delivers a backhanded slap that sends Doo flying across the living room and through the window. Doc is pleased with Perkins’ impressive performance. Everyone in the crowd is thrilled. Doc surprises everyone when he demands that he leave the party, “just because it’s MY party, that’s why!”

8:28 PM- Gomes heads back to the gym. “Who invited that guy?” Ainge asks the crowd. “Honestly!”

8:40 PM- Kandi Man chooses to smash through a window instead of the front door. He is not wearing a shirt or shoes and his blue jeans are unbuttoned. His pupils are dilated and he won’t stop scratching at his neck.

“DID NENE COME THROUGH HERE?!? NENE!!!!”
Doc tries to calm the situation. “No, Michael, have a seat, relax…”
“REEARGH!!!!”
With that, Kandi Man smashes down the front door and takes off into the street.

8:47 PM- Leon Powe rings the doorbell. Doc quietly informs him that he can’t let him in until he spends at least a year at lower profile parties.

8:56 PM- Danny notices that Luke Jackson is at the party.
“Get the hell out of here.”
“But… just a week ago, you were saying that I would add some depth-”
“Idiot. Never listen to what I say in the papers. Get out.”

9:07 PM- Paul Pierce heads for the door with Batman. “Who invited all these high school kids?” he mutters.

9:11 PM- Delonte arrives in a purple bathrobe. He spots Wally’s girls. “Fine hos!” he shouts. Spreading his arms wide, his bathrobe opens up, revealing a naked Delonte underneath. “Who wants to sex Delonte?”

9:12 PM- Wally World heads out the door like the Pied Piper. Telfair is at the front of the line. Delonte is in the back.

9:26 PM- Rondo snarls at the rest of the partygoers and makes for the exit. He reduces trick or treaters to tears on his way out.

9:37 PM- The ambulance finally shows up to take Theo Ratliff to the hospital. Apparantly, the Cowardly Lion has sent dozens of people to the hospital with mysterious symptoms. People are suffering panic attacks, can’t speak, can’t stop crying, vomit uncontrollably, and have an unexplainable fear of the color red.

9:38 PM- Danny Ainge steps aside. “Those symptoms sound familiar…”

9:39 PM- Danny snaps his fingers.
“The Scalabrine Effect!”
Danny turns back to the party. He scans the crowd. He sees the Cowardly Lion, and their eyes meet. Danny tries to go for the phone, but Scalabrine moves too quickly. Danny is quickly incapacitated. Scal sniffs the air.
“Mallomars!”
He jumps out the window and into the street.

10:04 PM- Allen Ray comes in dressed up as Petri from Land Before Time. He immediately airmails three high-fives. Doc sends Ray away immediately. Pittsnogle, Raef, and Dickau are the only guests left standing.

10:35 PM- Doc asks Cliff Ray to remove sleeping Brian Grant, passed out Danny Ainge, stumbling Pittsnogle, and cuddling Dickau and Raef.

4:47 AM- Doc answers a knock on the door. A man wearing a ski mask is standing on his doorstep holding a gun.

“Please, take what you want, I have a family!”
“Ok, then give me some candy, Coach!”
“Tony?”
Tony Allen removes his ski mask. Doc begins to laugh.
“I’m glad you can have a sense of humor about your legal problems on Halloween.”
“It’s Halloween?”
“Um, yes, it’s Halloween. Have some candy.”

BEST EVER

1917-2006

CELTICS SECURE #1 DRAFT PICK

7-FOOT TALL FORMER SOCCER PLAYER FROM NIGERIA WITH A TREMENDOUS UPSIDE TO SUIT UP FOR THE C's THIS YEAR

The cuts of Luke Jackson and Brian Grant opened up a roster spot for an agile big man with an enormous amount of potential- they call him the "Kandi Man"- Michael Olowokandi. Highly respected Globe columnist Jackie MacMullen has a column about the Celtics' big man.

Teammates say the Candy Man is fiercely determined to prove his standing as the top pick, even if it takes some time. It will. The fundamentals of basketball are still a mystery, at times, to Olowokandi, who had played only 77 games in his life before being drafted.

True, the critics will come out. They always do. They will say, "he can't actually play basketball" and that "if he was three inches shorter, he wouldn't make a high school team". Sure, it appears to be a risk to have someone on the roster to whom "the fundamentals of basketball are still a mystery". So he can't dribble. So he doesn't know where he's supposed to stand during free throws. So he doesn't yet understand that smoking crack in the locker room is not the best way to prepare for a game. The important thing is that he's tall and that he has POTENTIAL.

MacMullen continues:

He still doesn't have his driver's license but plans to get one soon.

If someone has the potential to get a driver's license, how can you put a limit on his potential as a player?

Let's break this down.

BAD
Doesn't understand basketball, shoots just over 40% from the free throw line, no jump shot, no layup shot, no hook shot, no post moves, no concept of a team offense, no driver's license, no understanding of "man-to-man" or "zone" concepts on defense, played against the worst competition possible for a D1 player, sociopathic tendencies, potential crack habit.

But! Compare that to the GOOD!
Tall, athletic. Averaged 22 ppg and 11 rpg his senior year.

This move is going to pay off in spades. The talent is there. It's just a matter of time while this big guy develops. Bravo, Danny, bravo.

JACKSON, GRANT CUT!

Yesterday, the Celtics finalized their roster by cutting Brain Grant and iheartceltics.com favorite Luke Jackson. The Celtics had to trim their roster down to 15 players by the 6 P.M. deadline to meet the regular season roster limit. In a related story, Boston city officials announced this morning that there is tissue supply shortage in the greater Boston area. We hear at iheartceltics.com encourage all Celtics fans to please use your sleeve. Most devistated by yesterdays shocking announcement was Danny Ainge who realized at 6:04 that Jackson was white and that he would now have to find some other cooky scheme to fill his "useless white guy" quota, and the Kandi man who will either have to smoke weed alone or make pot brownies and settle for Scalabrine's company. One of Scal's nicknames in college was the "gonja goo-ball" as he was notorious for getting high out of his face without knowing it as his friends would pump him full of gonja-laced baked goods for their own amusement.
Iheartceltics.com would formally like to wish Brian and Luke the best of luck and thank them for the combined 7 minutes of quality pre-season basketball they contributed to the organization.

SHAQ BUSTS UP KIDDIE PORN RING

R. KELLY, PETER TOWNSEND, AND GARY GLITTER UNAVAILABLE FOR COMMENT

As we all know, Shaquille O’Neal is interested in pursuing a career in law enforcement when his playing days are over. Since he stopped playing seriously three years ago, he has risen to the point in the police force that he leads child porn stings. The biggest problem was that they got the wrong house.

Bedford County Sheriff's Lieutenant Michael Harmony tells The Associated Press that the Miami Heat center was present when a search warrant was served last month at the wrong house.


So here’s the scenario- you’re sitting with your family, enjoying a nice meal together, when all of a sudden a bunch of federal agents smash down your front door. They throw a smoke bomb. Pandemonium. Everyone is screaming.

Silence.

Then, like Darth Vader in Star Wars, Shaquille O’Neal walks in through the smoke.

“Shaq?”
“Call me the Big Aristotle.”
“Why?”
“I’m all about numbers.”
“So…”
“You’re getting ten to fifteen years, pervert!”
“What?”
“Face the wall! Hands on your head! Spread your legs! KAZAAM!”

Now, you’d think that Ashton Kutcher would come running out in a white Kaballa suit and a white fuzzy hat and do something zany and outrageous, but no- Shaq would be taking you to jail. It doesn’t matter that you’re not a pedophile. Shaq isn’t a part of law enforcement, Shaq IS the law, and you’re going to be crying like Kobe at an adultery press conference until Shaq feels like giving you mercy.

So, Shaq busted the wrong man. He’s not the only NBA star to have some second-career missteps. It reminds me of several stories about Celtics’ players and their business dabblings.

-Delonte West has always dreamed of owning his own Popeye’s Chicken restaurant. His considerable success in professional basketball made that possible. His first promotional foray was “Ladies Night”. Hundreds of women flocked to the restaurant expecting a discount, but discovered that “Ladies Night” meant that Delonte would pick the finest ladies, deny them the opportunity to eat because it might give them bad breath, and take them skinny dipping in Boston Harbor. Delonte quickly put up a “NO FAT CHICKS” sign in front, then confused things by putting up a “NO SKINNY CHICKS” sign and a “NO DUDES” sign. However, the restaurant didn’t go belly-up until Delonte re-instituted the barter system because “cash is germs”, whatever that means.

-Tony Allen started a clothing line that debuted in fashion week in NYC a couple weeks ago. It got rave reviews. Michael Kors said, “Allen’s line of identical ill-fitting orange jumpsuits is daring and innovative.” After Tony took the gun from his head, Kors ran crying into the arms of a 6-foot, 90-pound dude wearing a fedora and a monocle.

-Brian Scalabrine fancies himself quite the NASCAR driver. Following the lead of Joe Gibbs, he pooled together a like-minded investment group to start a team. The group included William “Fridge” Perry, Oliver Miller, Eddy Curry, and Michael Sweetney. Their plan was to build a car out of sausages that ran on nacho cheese. Unfortunately, a disaster occurred when the materials arrived on site. In a riot later described by an onlooker as, “five giant walruses fighting in a sea of cheese,” everything was either consumed or destroyed. In the aftermath, Fridge was found washed up on a beach 200 miles south. Oliver Miller was taken down by big game hunters mistaking him for a water buffalo. Eddy Curry was caught by the University of Florida for sasquatch research, while Michael Sweetney was tagged and released into the wild to study his migration patterns. Cold-blooded Brian Scalabrine calmly drove away in his trusty Isuzu Amigo. “Good breakfast,” he was heard to say. “Good breakfast.”

PANIC IN THE PRESEASON

CELTICS DROP CLOSE ONE IN FRONT OF PACKED HOUSE

TELFAIR SHOOTS 6-9 FROM THE FIELD, FABULOUS

The Celtics dropped a close one the other night, losing 109-107. Telfair was the star of the night, dropping 21 points and dishing out 9 assists. He also recently found out that he was no longer being investigated for the Fabulous shooting. What were we worried about? When rappers get shot, no one goes to jail. Tupac’s killer could be playing for the Blazers for all we know.

Anyway, we’ve all read the recap by now.

You’re here for the impeccable I*Heart*Celtics analysis.

-Bassie was a stud for the first time as a Celtic. 9-to-2 assist-to-turnover ratio, 6-9 from the field (with 3-3 from downtown) and 7- 8 from the line. I’d like to say that I have always supported the Telfair acquisition except for the times I didn’t.

-Rondo was stellar again, and Big Al had a nice night. Both have improved quickly this preseason. Big Al has clearly been reading up on I*Heart*Celtics writers, because he is being much more assertive on the boards. He’s also doing a better job holding the release on his shots instead of chucking the ball up and then bouncing around like a puppy.

-Tony Allen was back to his completely out of control craziness. He had 15 points and 5 turnovers. He was cruising into the lane like there were coppers on his tail. Tony has a handle that makes Walter McCarty look like Bob Cousy, but he’s such a maniac that no one wants to get in his way. We need more of this from Tony.

-The Celtics have improved in two areas this preseason- they take fewer silly threes and they don’t turn the ball over as much. Very good.

-I don’t know what’s been happening to Gerald Green, but I don’t like it. His field goal percentage is hurting. He’s not getting many minutes, either. Boo.

-Why is Leon Powe still called “Leon Power” in the boxscore?!? Why, because when you’re NBDL material, the NBA doesn’t need to spell your name right.

-Antoine Wright, former Lawrence Academy star, has been getting solid minutes for the Nets. He’s looking to be the sixth man coming in for Jefferson and Carter, which is crazy because it was just recently that he was scoring a billion points per game in the ISL.

-It should be noted that Rajon Rondo looks much, much better than Marcus Williams. It’s not even close.

-Jason Kidd went 0-7 from the field. He hits his wife, not jumpers.

Don't Sleep On Leon Powe

What do Joel Freeland, Renaldo Balkman and Bobby Jones have in common? The answer: they were all drafted ahead of Leon Powe. Sure, Bobby Jones has been described as a bigger Trenton Hassell (not a joke, this is actually a point made by Chad Forde to explain why he was drafted), but these three people should not have been picked ahead of Leon Powe. He was disrespected in the draft by a number of teams, so I’d like to point out to everyone why Leon Powe is better than you think.

Powe was a pretty solid player in college, even with major knee issues. He averaged a little over 15 points and almost 10 rebounds per game. More importantly, with four years of college experience, he was able to improve his game fundamentally. Powe may not have as much potential upside but he is more developed than Jefferson and Perkins at this moment.

While I think Powe’s four years of college alone puts him ahead of other players, he also has one more major thing going for him, he has something to prove. All players have something to prove, so it seems like an obvious statement that this would drive a player to become better. However, Powe was one of the most highly regarded power forwards in the country just a few years ago and soon after his surgery, he was forgotten. Because of this, he immediately became underrated and was therefore disrespected in the NBA draft. A few players shared a similar fate as Leon Powe did. Ryan Gomes, Jameer Nelson and Josh Howard are among three of the most notable. Each one was drafted behind where they should have been. These three players are making or have made a big impact on their teams because of their experience and determination to show people the mistake they made by passing on them.

Powe has good hands, a solid low post game and a great idea of where to be when rebounding the ball. Does this sound a lot like Ryan Gomes? Powe has not proven himself quite yet, and is not going to until he gets a chance to play some minutes. Doc needs to find some time for this man. He’s not going to be the “go to” man but he could be a strong role player who averages close to a double double. SO, listen up Doc, play Leon Powe, he will learn and improve quickly and by the end of the season, if we had a rotation of Jefferson and Gomes and then Perkins and Powe, the Celtics could have a very strong front court.

CELTICS DESTROY PREVIOUSLY UNBEATEN KNICKS 113-89

I*HEART*CELTICS CREW USES THIS VICTORY AS AN EXCUSE TO POST THIS GLORIOUS PICTURE OF ISIAH 'I'M NO PERVERT' THOMAS FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME

LEON POWE ON A SIX-GAME "NAME SPELLED WRONG IN THE BOXSCORE" STREAK- "UNPRECEDENTED" SAYS ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU

-Not a whole lot to report here. You've read the recap and you've pored over the boxscore. As always, we'll go to the bullet points.

-Delonte looked great, Rajon looked disinterested, Telfair looked "MEH" which has become par for the course. Telfair is highly irritating. Danny says he's a "victim" in this shooting case. I contend that I have never been in a place where someone is shot on the same night that $50,000 of jewelry is stolen. I've never had that problem. MAYBE YOU'RE HANGING WITH THE WRONG CROWD, JACKASS!!!!

-Wally came back to form after Danny suffered a panic attack the other night when Luke Jackson was the only whitey to suit up for the C's. With so much youth on the team, nobody is talking about how good Wally has been playing. He's going to be MONEY this season.

-Speaking of Luke Jackson, he had two turnovers in four minutes.

-Allen Ray and Leon Powe are both good, they could both be decent players, and they are going to be playing in the NBDL this season while Scalabrine and the Kandi Man take their minutes. Either that, or they will be traded for some random players that do nothing for the C's.

-Gerald Green continues to be uninspiring, as does Tony Allen. Then again, "uninspiring" is the biggest understatement EVER if you are describing the NBA preseason.

UP NEXT: WEDNESDAY against the New Orleans Hornets. I am going to GUARANTEE that Hurricane Katrina is mentioned. You know, because nothing symbolizes the struggle of a devastated city like a bunch of overpaid mercenary athletes that would bail in two seconds if a better money offer came along.

Who Done it?

By now, most Celtics and hip-hop fans have heard the news. Rapper Fabolous was shot outside Justin’s, a nightclub in Manhattan owned by P-Diddy. Even more shocking was that newly acquired Celtics point guard Sebastian Telfair was linked to the crime. Telfair was out for dinner at the club with his fiancée when he went to go park his car in a nearby lot. On the way back Telfair was held up , having a chain worth an estimated $50,000 ripped from his neck. A security camera later identified the men as members of Fabolous posse. Back at the restaurant, witnesses saw Telfair making a call telling someone to “make it happen.” Just 20 minutes later rapper Fabolous was shot in the leg. While Telfair was not arrested and maintains that he is not a suspect in the shooting, the New York City police department told the AP that he was being investigated. While evidence suggests that Telfair ordered the attack on Fab, Telfair had an explanation of his own. He was simply calling a friend to come pick him and his fiancée up at the club. He didn’t want to risk walking back to the car and being jumped again. Doc and the rest of the front office have expressed that they are behind Telfair 100% and so is iheartceltics.com. Not only will we provide Telfair with moral support, but as true Celtics fans, we are going to take the initiative and help him solve the case.
But if Telfair didn’t shoot Fabolous, who did? A good old fashion mystery. After doing a a little detective work, we narrowed it down to a list of potential suspects, and after looking at all the facts, have come forth with the guilty party.

Delonte West
Why would Delonte shoot Fabulous? What does he have against the rapper? If anything, Delonte probably adores him for his hot beats and high degree of street cred. No, Delonte has nothing against fabulous, but he does against Telfair. For the last two years Delonte has busted his chicken-eating @ss on and off the court to show this club that he can play point guard. After a great sophomore season in which he led all point guards in blocked shots, was top 10% in FG% and rebounds, Delonte returned to camp just in time to be biotch-slapped in the face by Danny with the acquisition of not one, but two premier point-guards. They covered this by saying that Delonte was more of a 2 guard. Even if that is true, Delonte put his heart into the point guard position and now will barely get a shot to contend for it. Knowing this Delonte did what he had to do. He set Telfair up! Delonte paid off Fabulous to have his goons rob Telfair and after it happened D-West double crossed the rapping sensation and shot him, knowing the authorities would blame Telfair for the crime. With Telfair in the slamma and out of the picture. The starting point guard spot would be his again.
While the motif was there for Delonte, we all know that in his heart he’s a lover, not a hater. Delonte does his talking on the court, not off. He might take Telfair out, but if he does it will be with pure hustle, not an automatic weapon. Plus, if he set up Telfair, he would have to set up Rhondo next week, which might look a little suspicious if he shoots a rapper from Louiville, Kentucky…

Tony Allen
The next suspect was Tony Allen. Why would Tony do such a thing? Like Delonte, he’s got no beef with the rapper and he’s got no beef with Telfair. The reason that Tony Allen is a suspect is simply, he just likes to shoot things. When you put a trigger happy ADHD high flyer like Tony in the heart of the nations biggest city with some time to kill before tipoff, chances are some over hyped, up and coming young rapper is going to get shot.
Yes, Tony had the means to shoot Fabolous, but not the motif. Plus, do you really think Tony Allen is clever enough to come up with an elaborate plan like that to frame Telfair? I don’t either.

Raef LaFrenz
Raef Hates it in Portland. He just hates it. Zach Randolph calls him names on the bus and Darius Miles gives him dirty looks in the shower. He wishes he were back in beantown kicking it with his good time buddies Scal and Brian Doo. Who does he blame? The Celtics front office. Who is he taking his frusteration out on? Telfair. The man they traded him for.
Yes Raef is unhappy, but he’s also a 7 foot tall goofy bastard. He certainly doesn’t have the NYC connections to pull off such an elaborate scheme. He may be sad, but at least he’s got Dickeau’s shoulder to cry on.

Danny Ainge
Danny f*cked up. He brought in one too many point guards. Instead of admitting his mistake, he figured he would just frame one and send him to jail.
An easy solution yes, but Danny would never get rid of Telfair. He’s got superstar talent and charisma all over him. Telfair hasn’t played in one real game and Boston is already every 14 year old girl in Boston is wearing a number 30 jersey. Danny isn’t the only one with a crush on Telfair.

Brian Scalabrine
Our evidence shows that just minutes after Telfair was robbed, witnesses saw Celtics ginger Brian Scalabrine walking through the same part of town, entering his favorite butcher shop that he frequented when he was with the Nets. According to the police reports Scal left the shop carrying an alleged $50,000 worth of pork loins. On the way back Scal was held up at gun point by a man matching the description of Telfairs assailant. The man grabbed Scalabrine’s meat , Scal screamed, and fled the scene. He went to report the crime to the nearest KFC hoping they would sympathize with him and he could score some free chicken. When that didn’t work he grabbed a bucket of original recipe and headed to the police station to report the crime. Witnesses in the KFC said that they overheard Scal on his cell phone ordering someone to “take him out.” While authorities originally interpreted this as evidence of Scal organizing the hit on Fabolous, after further investigation, they found out the witness heard Scal wrong and he had just been calling his wife to pick him up. In the midst of the fear induced snack-attack he was having, he was demanding her not to “take him (Fabolous) out” but order lots of “take-out.”

Stephon Marbury
Among being known as the definition of “team cancer” or “playoff kryptonite” Stephon Marbury is also known for being quite close to his cousin Sebastian Telfair. Since they are both form Cony Island and with Steph playing for the Knicks, it would make perfect sense that Marbury was the first person Telfair would call after being robbed. He knew Steph would have his back and have the connections to take out Fabolous and his posse. This was a no brainer for Marbury who had been looking for an excuse to take out Fabolous, the self-proclaimed “prince of New York.” Stephon who always felt that title was better suited for himself, decided to assassinate the prince so he could inherit his title. Marbury was also desperately looking for a way to get out of the New York Knicks basketball organization. He figured worst case scenario he goes to jail for 50 years. By then his contract with the Knicks would be expired and he could live in peace, At least in jail he would be winning basketball games.
While initially a suspect, in the end both Steph and the authorities realized that he was indeed a money grubbing whore, and would never go through with the crime if it meant there was even the slightest chance of jeopardizing his annual salary of 20 million dollars a year.

Stephen Jackson
While all of the previous suspects had the motive and means to shooting Fabolous, in the end there was only one man crazy enough to actually pull it off. That’s right….Stephen Jackson. You may find this a little far fetched as Stephen Jackson appears to have to no connections to Boston, to New York, or to Telfair, so what would he have to gain by taking out Fabolous? The answer is everything. Before the Telfair incident came to light, Jackson was the center of attention as the media was ripping him to pieces in light of his little “brawl outside a night club, waving a loaded weapon in the air, getting hit by a car,” incident. Stephen had to take the heat off himself, so he set Telfair up. He knew Telfair’s history with guns and pillow cases and his connections in New York. Framing Telfair would be as easy as taking a cheap shot at an NBA fan. Stephen’s other motive for shooting Fabulous was that he is probably one of the craziest bastards ever in professional sports and was looking for any excuse to shoot someone. He knew that shooting someone in Indiana wouldn’t go over so well, but if he did it in New York where it happens all the time and shot a rapper, no one would mind so much. And he probably would have gotten away it too if it wasn’t for some meddling bloggers and a website called iheartceltics.com.

CELTICS MAKE MIRACULOUS COMEBACK, DEFEAT NETS 94-90 IN PRESEASON BARNBURNER

GOMES' TEXTBOOK CHEST PASSES KEY TO VICTORY


TELFAIR PLAYS FIRST GAME WITHOUT ORDERING A CONTRACT KILLING- IMMEDIATELY LOSES STREET CREDIBILITY


The Celtics had a nice win against the winless and hopelessly inept New Jersey Nets the other night, thanks to Ryan Gomes' three straight buckets down the stretch to put the game out of reach for the Nets. You've all read the recap by now, so let's get straight to the key points we can get out of this contest.

-Ryan Gomes has outplayed Al Jefferson so much that it would be a travesty if Go-Go isn't in the starting lineup in November. Jefferson had a decent night against the Nets, but he doesn't do anything besides score, and he can't do that with any consistancy. Gomes is a far more diverse player, and although bigger players can score over him, he makes up for it by neutralizing his man on the boards and making the right pass to move the ball around on offense.

-Rajon Rondo is far better than Sebastian Telfair, and he should also be in the starting lineup if Doc and Ainge are committed to playing Delonte at the "2". (Which is stupid, but whatever.) If Ainge can get ANYTHING for Telfair in terms of a trade, he should take it. Telfair is Marcus Banks without the defense, plus gunrunning and contract killing.

-I have never seen a player more ready for the NBDL than Leon Powe. He is a total spazz but has no clue about what's going on. He's Andrew Declerq without experience and the devastating two-handed hook shot.

-Pittsnogle was cut the other day, putting the entire state of West Virginia on suicide watch. In his career, as I boldly predicted, he had twice as many three point attempts as rebounds. Just what the Celtics needed... it makes me want to puke that he was relished as one of the big offseason aquisitions for the Celtics when everyone knew that the dude just had a funny name. WHERE'S THE VETERAN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET, DANNY?!? ARRR!!!

-Former Lawrence Academy stud Antoine Wright had some good minutes for the Nets the other night, marking the first time in the history of my life that I liked a player for the Nets. It will never happen again, until the next time the Celtics play the Nets and Mr. Wright gets off the bench.

BEAT THIS CAPTION

No, Vince, I use my pillows for smuggling guns, not for biting.

Celtics debut police blotter

With Sebastian Telfair and Tony Allen both in trouble with the 5-0 these days, Director of Basketball Ops. Danny Ainge announced yesterday that the Celtics have decided to debut a police blotter to help Celtics fans follow their favorite players' legal woes more closely. The blotter idea came at the urging of Telfair, who delighted in reading the Portland Trailblazers' crime log during his time with his oft-incarcerated former team. "I used to read that sh*t to my kid before bed man, it had this Aesopian aesthetic--except instead of talking animals helping each other you had Zack [Randolph] and Q[yntel Woods] drag racin' and tail chasin', slippin' slugs and doin' drugs," Telfair told I*Heart*Celtics.

Ainge was also excited about the blotter, despite yielding no credit to Telfair for his idea. Said the baby-faced GM, "I really like this idea, I mean, its one of my best ideas I've had all week." Considering Ainge's other ideas this week included signing Luke Jackson, googling "Ted Turner sex tape", and answering simple questions with ambigous rhetoric in press conferences, it doesn't say much -- but it is good to see Danny proud of something he has done.

When asked for comment, Doc Rivers emphasized "I'm a player's coach. Wally's really getting the rotations down. Paul is really enjoying having a leadership role. End of recording."

Ainge said he agreed 100% with his head coach, and that the organization was behind him. He also revealed the innaugural edition of the Celtics police blotter. Here are some highlights:

Monday, 10/16, 5 p.m. - Wally Szczerbiak arrested on 150 million counts of stealing, in an unprecedented charge, "young ladies' hearts".

Wednesday 10/18, 3:41 a.m. - A squad car dispatched to the Popeye's Chicken on Boylston Street, after the drive thru operator reported a stolen Louisiana Legends (TM) Jumbalaya Chicken meal and illicit bribery. Delonte West was found at the scene trying to pay the cashier in autographed pictures of himself that he had printed off the internet, which he referred to as "Delonte bucks".

Wednesday 10/18, 3:52 a.m. - A squad car dispatched to the Popeye's Chicken in Kenmore Square, after the drive thru operator reported a stolen Louisiana Legends (TM) Jumbalaya Chicken meal and illicit bribery. Delonte West was found at the scene trying to pay the cashier in burned Jim Jones' mix CDs.

Thursday 10/19 8:15 a.m. - Reports of erratic driving reported from the Cracker Barrell Restaurant and Country Store on the Mass Pike. When officers arrived at the scene, they identified the pink '95 Isuzu Amigo doing doughnuts while honking incessantly in the parking lot as belonging to one Brian Scalabrine. When he refused to stop, they shot out his tires, before realizing he was passed out with his face against the steeringwheel, foot on the gas, one hand on the wheel, one in his doggie bag, clearly intoxicated. Officers reported it a case of involuntary drunkedness, acknowledging "Veal clearly didn't realize Kahlua Ice Cream had alcohol in it, although judging by his blood alcohol level, he must have consumed at least 56 gallons of it in a 6 minute span."

Thursday 10/19 3:15 p.m. - Police responded to the scene amid complaints of public indecency and drug use in a school zone, when Michael Olowakandi smoked what he later referred to as his "eye medicine" while going down the twisty slide on the John F. Kennedy Elementary playground. When the officers arrived, Olowakandi ran to the nearest child on the playground, 8-year-old Bobby Longworth, an asked him if he had any Visine. When Longworth told Olowakandi that he didn't even know what Visine was, he punched the boy in the stomach and put out his "eye medicine" on the boy's arm.

Is it ever too late for a Luke Jackson Trade Reaction Article? The Answer is No!

Okay, so Luke Jackson is coming to Boston and everyone is ragging on him. The knuckleheads at Iheartceltics are writing about how this trade is a bust, but I’ve decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and show you what Jackson could be in a few years by comparing him to a Celtic great, Larry Legend.

So, here we go…. Larry Bird and Luke Jackson are both white, they can “play” forward or guard, their names both begin with the letter L, they both had the number 33 at one point in their careers, umm, did I mention they’re both white? Unfortunately for the Celtics, after a quick recap of our experiment, the fact that they are both white is pretty much the beginning and the end of the comparison. My conclusion is therefore that the writers at Iheartceltics are not knuckleheads but very knowledgeable about what they write, while the management for the Celtics hasn’t quite grasped what it is they need to win number 17.

Luke Jackson has played in 46 NBA games since he was drafted 10^th by the Cavaliers in the 2004 draft. His numbers are impressive to say the least. Unlike Larry’s first couple seasons, Luke Jackson’s are impressively terrible. He is for whatever reason thought to be a great, pure shooter, probably because he was “okay” in college. His stats don’t back that up, having a career FG percentage of .348 and a 3 point percentage of .381 Well, you may think at least he is getting better, but he’s not, his last year’s stats were even lower than his first season’s. It is true that he hasn’t had the chance to play that much because he played the same position on the same team as the “King” Lebron James, but you know what, he still sucks. This move brings absolutely nothing to the table. Like every member of Iheartceltics has been saying, it just clogs up an already packed lineup. He’s just not that good and he’ll be taking up playing time for someone who is either already good at basketball or has great potential. So kudos to you Celtics management for making another completely random move that will positively affect the team in no way. My bold prediction (or hope) is that he will be less productive than Horacio Llamas was for the Suns and he will end up supervising Dan Dickau as escalator watching security guard.

Celtics lose to the Knicks. Who cares? Rondo's "play" eases the pain

I can't think of a game in recent memory where i cared less about the score of the game OR the score was less indicative of the play on the court than the Celtics 116-108 loss last night to Isiah Pervert and the Knickerbockers. The Celtics stormed to a double digit lead by the early second quarter, primarily because they were playing against the Knicks starters: Steve Francis, Jamal Crawford, Stephon Marbury, Channing Frye, and of course, the Scalabrinian Bohemith Eddy Curry. These five players may have accounted for the worst defense i have ever seen. Tony Allen made Jamal Crawford look like a raggedy andy, Steve Francis camped out at the knicks three point line and never moved away, and marbury, well, marbury stood around thinking of who he could blame his poor play on now that Larry Brown is gone...

Anyway, enough criticism, after all, the Celtics did lose, albeit because of the Knicks encouragingly energetic second unit, consisting of Hus-tle-ah's David Lee, and Renaldo Balkman (looks like Brian Grant, plays like...a young Brian Grant). I really like those two, and I do like the Knicks in theory, its just they have so many overpaid annoying people that I have my work cut out for me being a basketball fan newly relocated to the big apple.

Here were some of my highlights and personal observations about the game last night:

Rajon Rondo is streaky, but when he's on, he takes over. I watched the first half of the game expecting Rondo to dominate, as the Herald and Globe have written article after article about his stunning play in the preseason. Didn't happen. Rondo didn't do much of anything. My excitement soon turned to disappointment, thinking maybe he was a flash in the pan, as preseason is rarely a barometer of a player's greatness. Then the fourth quarter happened, and my opinion of Rondo would be forever changed. In what I will refer to simply as "the play", rondo jumped about fifteen feet in the air to dunk home a rebound of a missed jumper, posterizing channing frye (who has roughly the same build as Manute Bol). Demoralized, Frye took the ball out of bounds and lazily passed it in towards his point guard--but not before rondo swooped in, stole the inbounds pass, drove to the basket, laying the ball in and getting fouled by Frye. Thats 4 points in about 1.5 seconds by a guy who looks so young that he got carded getting in to scalabrine's birthday party at chuck e. cheese. That 1.5 seconds has forever etched the name Rondo on my impressionable heart (right under the crossed out Chris Herron).

Wally looks great. I 'm not just talking about his new haircut either (which is tied with Kandi'man's new 'do as the best fashion statement of the offseason). Wally shot great from long range (despite the fact that he has adopted what looks like a set-shot), and he seemed to be consistantly in the right place at the right time.

Paul Pierce sat in with Tommy and Mike - and let me tell you - it was nice to have a celebrity guest commentator who wasn't trying to promote a post NKOTB record (im not naming names, but lets just say his name rhymes with "Wonny Dahlberg").

Tony Allen was aggressive, and made Jamal Crawford look like, well, Jamal Crawford. He repeatedly took it to the hoop for easy layups as if he was playing alone in his backyard.


Unfortunately, amid all these promising performances, there were some lowlights as well last night:

Kevin Pittsnoggle got in the game. I gotta hand it to my man BP - who hit it right on the money with this guy's diagnosis during the summer. While our (apparently huge) readership in West Virginia put down their banjos to celebrate Pittsnoggle's employment in an industry other than mining, BP questioned the sanity of a team who would sign a guy who is slower than molasses, uglier than Popeye Jones, and smellier than the Scalabrine effect. In fact, I think Peisch overestimated him yesterday when he said he was "gym-teacher talent", because he made Rob Wargo look like Jannero Pargo.

The big men looked shakey. Big Al's shot was way off, he missed multiple 4 foot hook shots, and seemed generally out of synch save a few nice dunks. Perk didn't see too many minutes, had a few nice put-backs, but was relatively ineffective. The Kandi-man, oh the Kandi-man, also looked ok at best, not a good sign for a guy playing to save his career.

Allen Ray had a tough game at the wrong time. Desperately trying to make the roster, Ray got a chance to start, and proceeded to go 1-for-11 from the field. I feel badly for the guy, because he played relatively well, his shots just were not falling.

I still look forward to seeing the Celtics fully healthy, as clearly they were undermanned without Pierce, Delonte, and Ratliff (notice I only mention Scal here in a parenthetical afterthought). It will be good to see how they fit together once you add in their backbone. But that is the thing i like about preseason basketball, you get to see what the role-players CAN do when they get the opportunity to play. Either way, the preseason is not indicative of how the season will go, considering the Knicks are 3-0 preseason, and after watching them last night, i don't see any improvement over their team last year. And while the Celtics didn't look stunningly good, at least we don't have to start the season with Mark Blount (pronounced blunt).

STOP THE INSANITY!!

NITWITS IN THE FRONT OFFICE SO SELF-DELUDED THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT THAT PITTSNOGLE AND LUKE JACKSON ARE TERRIBLE

I*HEART*CELTICS STAFF CUTS THROUGH THE STUPIDITY AND LAYS IT OUT NICE AND EASY



After I*Heart*Celtics' resident redhead reported on the huge trade between the Celtics and the Cavs- Luke Jackson for Dwayne Jones- the Celtic fanbase is going bananas over whether the C's will hold on to Summer League Luke Jackson.

Why?!? Because we're thin at the small forward position?!? Because we need another lottery bust at the end of the bench? Because we need someone to take Gerald's two minutes of PT? Because we need another slow, dim-witted white dude hanging around the perimeter to jack up threes and disrupt the flow of the offense? Because we need another welcome mat for opposing small forwards to wipe their feet on on their way to the basket?

Holy moly.

The Celtics' front office's new strategy appears to be stockpiling so-called "talent" that nobody else in the league wants and hoping every player transforms into Ryan Gomes. Um... Ryan Gomes SHOULD have been a first-round pick. Kevin Pittsnogle was never even close. Kevin Pittsnogle has gym teacher talent, and we're not talking about Mr. Wargo here, folks. Pittsnogle could have been a serviceable backup for the Bromfield Staff-Senior Basketball game a couple years back, true, but that doesn't mean that he should be getting more hideous tattoos with Wyc's money.

It's time to cut the dead weight. You're not going to get anything in exchange in a trade for some of the stiffs the C's have been accumulating, so just cut them loose and wish them the best. Don't feel bad about it! If Bassie's brother can make a living playing in Greece, Pittsnogle can, too. These guys won't starve.

These players should be cut immediately:

Kevin Pittsnogle
Akinbala (who looks better than Powe, but what does that say?)
Luke Jackson
Brian Grant
Vin Baker

Oh, you say that Vin's not on the team, we're just paying him to sit at home and drunkenly stroke his turkey gobbler neck? Gotcha.

Let me make this clear- we don't need goons on the bench. I'm sure Danny will say that they are "character guys" or "locker room guys" or "extra fouls" or "eye candy" or “white pride”, but I don't think it's asking too much for our "character guys" to be able to dribble with both hands. Additionally, one "character guy" last year took a big bite out of Perk in practice, gave him rabies (which the vicious media establishment never reported), and then complained about playing time. We have a player on the roster that needs a full team of zoo employees ready to zap him with traquilizers if he sees a Krispy Kreme. Does that help the team, Danny? Does it?

It's time to end the silliness. Hold on to Allan Ray, send everybody's favorite bust Leon Powe down to D-League, and get busy organizing a real rotation. You know, the one where 8 guys get almost all of the playing time?!?

UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOR MILL

-I*Heart*Celtics is reporting that Brian Scalabrine is one of the unnamed celebrities in Screech's sex tape ring. Our sources tell us that Scalabrine is getting down menege-a-tois style with a 120-pound cheeseburger and a ten-gallon drum of butter. I*Heart*Celtics superstar Nic is says he will give "ANYTHING!!!" to obtain a copy of said tape.

Pre-Season Assesment: Listen Up DOC!

Well, its been two games into the Celtics pre-season and so far everyone’s been quite optimistic. As camp begun there was concern over individual players like Al’s conditioning or Telfair’s maturity, but as the pre-season games began, those concerns have disappeared. Rhondo and Telfair have played great, pushing the tempo just the way Doc promised us. Perkins and Big Al appear to be healthy ready to break out, for real this time. Gerald Green is picking up where he left off last season and with a healthy Tony Allen and Delonte there should be more than enough depth to cover Paul’s back. So while Shira Springer and the rest of the Celtics soft-cores might be content with the team’s status at the moment, I for one am worried. While the pre-season skepticism focused on the progress of individual players and their maturity, there is a much bigger problem with the team as a whole, that no one has picked up on yet. The problem is not with the talent, but how much talent. The Celtics once again find themselves with a roster 15 people deep and with the exception of Pierce and Wally, absolutely no one is guaranteed a spot in the rotation. So what’s the problem? It’s a coach’s dream to have so many good players right? No sir. Like Scal found out the hard way at “The Old Country Buffet,” sometimes too many good choices is a bad thing. This is a coach’s nightmare. Just ask Doc how last season went when his roster was as bloated as Vin Baker’s liver. While Doc juggled line-ups and debated whether to play veterans or give the rooks experience, the Celtics never found any rhythm, and as a result had a stinker of a season.
Fast forward to this year and the Celtics find themselves in the same position! Let’s start with the point guards. This was a serious debate last year. The office wanted a “true” point guard, but the faithfuls thought Delonte was more than qualified for the job. So instead of making a firm decision to stick with Delonte or bring in a true point guard, the Celtics panicked and kept both. To help you visualize the severity of this decision, I would like to bring back the Scal at the buffet analogy. It’s like if Scal was in line for the buffet and see’s Salsbury Steak (Sebastian Telfair) and Fried Chicken (Rajon Rhondo). Then he realizes he’s still got his huge dinner salad (Delonte) that he regrettably got first, but now wishes he saved room on his tray for what appear to be more gratifying entrées. So what does Scal do? If he was smart he would have his salad and one entre or at least stuck to just the entrées and decide not to eat the salad at all. But we all know Scal… He ate both entrees, went back for seconds on fried chicken and in the end ate his salad anyway! And if that wasn’t enough he ate 16 pudding cups to top it all off( we’ll assume the pudding is Allen Ray or some other point guard they will probably trade for in the next montth) Well you can guess what happened after that meal. Scal got massive diarrhea, heart burn, and bad breath. That’s exactly what might happen to the Celtics if they’re not careful. They made the decision to bring in two more than capable “true” point guards, and if that won’t cause enough problems, they KEPT Delonte. Instead of giving Delonte the opportunity to get a feel for the position or just going in a different direction altogether, they are instead waffling between 3 point guards. This means that Doc will once again spend ages testing out different combinations and giving guys different looks throughout the season. Instead of getting the most out of one guard feeding him confidence and experience, he will risk ruining 3 guards by limiting their experience and deflating their confidence. MSomething tells me Scal would have been better off if he just had Salad…
Then you have the Celtics big men. Probably the least crowded of any position. Fresh off a contract extension, you’ve got Perk ready to average and 10 and 10 this season. Theo Ratliff is healthy and ready to provide the team with some much needed leadership for Al, Gomes, and Perk. In the case of an injury, you’ve got the Kandi-man. At the very least he’s capable of having big games when your down 20… For power forwards there is Gomes and Big Al. If other teams aren’t wetting themselves at the possibility of that duo, they better get their bladder checked. One is explosive, the other is the silent assasin. Both have all-star potential. So where is the problem? The problem with this group is not with how many people they have but the manner in which they are used. Already in pre-season, we have seen Theo Ratliff get the start over Perk, and big Al getting fewer minutes than the Kandi-Man. Once again, the teams inability to commit to the young guys is going to hurt them. They’ve babied Perk and Big Al enough. It’s time to throw them out there and let them get experience. I’ m tired of the excuses, like they don’t know defensive schemes, their not ready. They have both had two seasons under their belt and now the only way they are every going to learn is to put in the game. You know Ratliff isn’t going to be reliable. Start Perk and give him the confidence he’s craving! I’m sick of people bashing Big Al. Everyone jumped off his bandwagon early last year, but guess who’s still riding it strong? Me that’s right. The guy was injured. Bottom-line. The fact that people are still questioning his ability is a f*cking joke. This guy has barely broke the 20 mintue mark in playing time, yet still averages identical numbers to Gomes. This is to take nothing away from Gomes, but just to show how naturally talented Big Al is. To back that up he’s incredibly confident and works hard! Besides his ankles he’s got the ingredients to be a hall of famer. This summer Big Al has put in more work than everyone and if Doc doesn’t throw him out for 30 minutes a game, or starts nit-picking about his defensive rotations I’m going to slash Danny’s tires.
Finally, the position I am easily most worried about is the small forward/shooting guard spot. With no exaggeration here is a list of people that are seriously in the running for the position: Paul Pierce, Wally Szerbiak, Delonte West, Tony Allen, Gerald Green, Allen Ray, Ryan Gomes, and now Luke Jackson. Keep in mind I didn’t even count Scalabrine. Now it is obvious that sooner or later Doc will have to move a couple of these players. He can’t keep them all….can he? As of now there are zero trade plans on the horizon. So for at least the immediate future someone is going to get shafted. So far in pre-season it has not been a problem, but keep in mind Delonte has been injured, Luke Jackson just arrived, and Pierce and Wally have been playing 20 minutes. Guys like Tony Allen, Gerald Green, and Delonte are on the cusp of blossoming and limiting their minutes could really impede their progress. Who knows, Allen Ray, a proven player in college could be the “Ryan Gomes” of shooting guards this year, but sadly, he may never make it into a game. The 2-3 position is where the most potential lies on this team but because of the quantity of talent, it is likely that this is where the most talent will be lost.
. The bottom line is that the Celtics have approximately until the end of pre-season to sort it all out all these issues. This does not give them a lot of time. If they start the regular season with all of these questions of uncertainty in their line-up and rotations then they in more trouble than Kevin Garnett taking the SAT’s. They tried doing it that way last year and failed. If they couldn’t learn from there mistakes then shame on the front office. This being said it is not too late. Doc if you’re reading this, do all your line-up tinkering NOW. Get it out of your system. Then on opening night make a decision. A decisive commitment to certain players. You will have to trust you instincts and it will be risky. You may end up being wrong in a few cases and might even trade away the next Joe Johnson, or Chauncy Billups. The difference this time is that with this line-up, the damage you might do trading away one blossoming player will be nothing compared to the damage you’ll do by keeping everyone and changing your mind every night.

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE

CELTICS AQUIRE LUKE JACKSON FOR DWAYNE JONES
NO ONE, I MEAN NO ONE GIVES 2 CRAPS!
BOSTON SKEPTICAL AFTER SKANDALOUS PHOTO OF
JACKSON BEING EIFFEL TOWERED REVEALED

The good folks at Celtics.com were running around frantically today putting the finishing touches on this breaking story on their website. Than they relized Dwayne Jones was being traded for Luke Jackson. Lets just say they decided to take their time.
"The Celtics have added another perimeter shooter to their roster while at the same time seemingly resolved their crowded center situation," writes senior basketball writer Peter May in this mornings Globe. Ummm, hey Peter, have you been letting Shira Springer write your articles again or are you just been smoking crack? The Celtics have Perkins at center with an injury-prone veteran Theo Ratliff. Then they have Michael "i got 10 rebounds in the first pre-season game, but dont forget I suck balls" Olawakandi. Then they have , oh wait the list stops there. Thats pretty crowded Peter May. Unlike the small foward position that Jackson is competing for with I dont know , Paul Pierce, Tony Allen, Wally Szerbiak, Gerald Green, Brian Scalabrine, and maybe even Ryan Gomes. Yeah thats exactly what we need is another "potentially" good player to detract playing time from some of the guys who need it most (GERALD GREEN and TONY ALLEN!!!) I already can see Doc playing Jackson over Gerald Green because he has more experience...ugh...
Here's a suggestion to Peter May and the Celtics office. Why don't you just cut Dwayne Jones' bench-sore ass? This roster is getting more crowded than Scalabrine's refridgerator!
Oh yeah, theres even one more factor to consider in this trade....Luke Jackson sucks. This is not like having Allen Ray on the roster, someone who could potentially emerge into a big time player. This is Luke Jackson. He SUCKS! If you can't average more than 2 points or even fool people into thinking your good when your playing alongside the KING, Lebron JAMES! Then you know you suck. Luckily for Luke his college reputation seems to be reason enough to fool teams into thinking that he will break out. Well consider Danny fooled and as for the Celtics, reserve a spot next to Scal on the bench cause thats where Lukey Luke will be sitting all season. Let's just say he's the Dan Dickeau/ Raef Lafrenz replacement to fill Danny's useless white guy quota for the year.
Welcome aboard Luke!

Celtics Lose to Raptors

RONDO PLAYS WELL ENOUGH TO SMILE FOR, LIKE, THE FIRST TIME EVER


The Celtics dropped a 118-112 decision to the lamely named Toronto Raptors last night. Rajon Rondo hit a clutch three to force OT, but the C's couldn't pull out the victory.

First, I can't help but say that the Toronto Raptors could not be a more lame franchise. It's in a boring city in a country that sucks, their jerseys are purple, they are named after a flash-in-the-pan dinosaur from an outdated movie that came out 13 years ago, and they have Isiah Thomas connections. Yeeeech.

So, anyway, the game was typical for the preseason. Some goons like Jorge Garbajosa look like superstars, the stars either look sharp or bored out of their minds (Bosh and Pierce, respectively), and several players that are supposed to make the leap end up inducing panic in their fans (Jefferson). If I didn't hate them, I would feel sorry for Raptors fans after watching TJ Ford drop a 8 turnover, 6 foul stinker last night.

Time to go into bullet points.

1) I couldn't be less impressed with Kendrick Perkins and Al Jefferson. Between the two of them, they tallied 0 field goals, 2 points, 7 rebounds, and 8 fouls. WHAT THE HELL! Kandi Man had more field goals, and he was so stoned he thought he was flipping burgers with Jimi Hendrix on Planet Krypton.

2) Rajon Rondo is playing like a stud. He hit 11-12 free throws, for crying out loud. He was making the Raptors' guards look silly. Sebastian Telfair is well on his way to being a third-string point guard... AGAIN.

3) The Italian chick named Andrea on the Raptors was jacking up three pointers like, um, Allen Ray last night. Congrats, Toronto, you used the #1 pick in the draft to take a European Kevin Pittsnogle.

4) 33 field goals for the C's. 36 made free throws. THIRTY-EIGHT TURNOVERS. With some crude math, that's almost a turnover 33% of the time they touched the ball as a team. ATROCIOUS.

SUPERLATIVES AND SUCH

COWS SLAUGHTERED FOR BASKETBALLS: 0

DOC'S GRADE: F
As long as our best big man is Kandi Man, Doc is doing a sucky-ass job.

REF'S GRADE: F
If you mess with Gerald Green, you mess with the I*Heart*Celtics boys, and they give you a F for FAILURE.

SCALABRINE WATCH: Scals has developed an annoying habit of passing the ball to whoever says, "CUPCAKE FOR SCALLYWAGGY!!!" 3 turnovers in 22 sweaty minutes.

BIG WINNER: Rajon Rondo.

BIGGEST LOSER: Perkins. 4 fouls, 2 turnovers, 1 point, 2 rebounds. Practice more, stare blankly into space less.

NBA Cracks Down

NO, NOT THAT KIND OF CRACK, KANDI MAN

The NBA has a new policy. Zero tolerance for whiners.

Commissioner David Stern, long fed up with players' histrionics over questionable calls, is threatening to hit them with quick technical fouls -- and later fines -- for those who curse, throw their hands up, or make other gestures that show disgust.

Now, we've long known that David Stern is a reader of this humble yet staggeringly awesome blog. If y'all would remember, I wrote about this very thing back in the day.

It's about time Stern did something right. Of course, he banned tights first, but hey, better late than never. At least it shows that Stern is serious about putting a more professional product on the floor. Either that, or he realizes that nobody wants to watch grown men cry hundreds of times every game.

As you can probably imagine, Rasheed Wallace is upset.

"It's just another 'Sheed Wallace rule," Wallace, shaking his head, told the newspaper. "It just means I must be doing something right. Any time they change the rules of the game for one specific player, you must be doing something right."

This isn't exactly widening the lane, Rasheed. The guy that forced the adoption of laws against bestiality wasn't doing something right, that's for damn damn.

QUICK TAKES

-Stephen Jackson is worried that shooting five "warning shots" into the air amid drunkards at a strip club at 3am is a violation of his probation. If it isn't, I don't know what is. Second, how are people on probation for FLYING INTO A CROWD OF PEOPLE PUNCHING STRANGERS AT RANDOM allowed to have handguns? My own paranoia increased by a factor of twelve after reading that.

-Pittsnogle went 0-2 on threes in four minutes last night, and got one rebound. If I remember correctly, we saw in his contract back in July that he would receive a $100,000 bonus for every time he had more rebounds than personal fouls or three point attempts. For Pittsnogle, two three point bricks for every rebound is an incredible ratio. Yes, folks, that was the best we're going to see. It's all downhill from here.

It was a one-armed man!

INDIANAPOLIS- In charging information, prosecutors said Jackson kicked a man who police said has a deformed arm. Jackson told police that the man, Quentin Willford, started the brawl.

Sometimes comedy just writes itself

INDIANAPOLIS -- Indiana Pacers player Stephen Jackson was hit in the mouth, struck by a car and fired a gun outside a strip club early Friday, police said.