2006: YEAR IN REVIEW

On the eve of a new year, as Vin Baker slowly recovers from his hangover from New Year's 2006, we here at I*Heart*Celtics pause to remember the year that was. It was a terrible year for the Celtics, with a playoff run that never happened, a draft day debacle, and a terrible start to a season that promises to be every bit as frustrating as last year. However, we here at I*Heart*Celtics enjoyed a successful year as dozens flocked to share in our misery and our Google Ads profits soared into the singles of dollars. Here is a look back at the year that was.


JANUARY

This is when it all started for I*Heart*Celtics. The first major post included this whopper uttered by BP: "While 'locker room guys' like Brian Scalabrine help promising teams rebuild through unselfish contributions on and off the court, Olowokandi would throw this team into reverse, turning us from a 'intriguingly talented young team' into a 'tragically talented young team' doomed for failure." Ouch. The Kandi Man has turned into a semi-useful commodity as the team's resident crack dealer while all Scalabrine contributes is a litany of complaints about the breakfast buffets at the hotel.

I*Heart*Celtics also scooped ESPN by reporting the Wally-for-Ricky trade first. Kudos to Sullivan, the Bob Woodward of the staff. The staff weighed in, mostly negatively, about the trade. The lovely and talented Emster contributed a heartfelt 'goodbye' to Marcus Banks and then went into seclusion. She has not yet emerged. Maybe she followed Banks to Phoenix, we just don't know.

Finally, January brought the first piece of Photoshopping to the site, the artfully crafted "Isiah Grabbing Imaginary Boobs" shot. It fortold of great things to come.


FEBRUARY
The Golden Age of I*Heart*Celtics, featuring the classic Chronicles of Scalabrine post by Nic, the All-Star Shoe Review by BP, and two wisftul columns about the good old days by our boy Sullivan. Nic also contributed to essential guides, 1) hating Kobe and 2) how to score attractive women (if you are a red head). BP was stranded out in the desert hell of Utah at this time, and was able to catch only one game live in person, which he chronicled in "BP in SLC" parts 1 and 2. The team also had the joy of playing host to a gun-toting underachiever named Sebastian Telfair, who would take a more prominent role in our tale in the months to come.

MARCH
March was a rough month both for the Celtics and for I*Heart*Celtics. BP boldly proclaimed that the Celtics were going to make the playoffs, but the Celtics instead boldly sucked donkey dick and didn't come close. I*Heart*Celtics did set a record in the process, however, "Most Bonner Jokes In a 48 Hour Span" - 937- after the Celtics dropped a particularly horrible game to the Raptors. Shaq terrorized the city of Boston after Scal stole his magical donut- pictured to the right- and Orien Greene terrorized the city of Waltham by driving 90 miles an hour down main street in the wee hours of the morning- pictured to the left. Sullivan was a beacon of hope during this troubled time, hacking in to the Celtics' IPods to drop this EXCLUSIVE. Sullivan also became the definitive source for Carlos Boozer-Prince relations, as well. BP tried to save face by asking what we knew about the Celtics from their team superlatives.

APRIL
The Celtics dropped out of the playoff race and smack-dab into the lottery, which the I*Heart*Celtics staff opined on here. Wondering about what we said about Rajon Rondo?

Rondo is a machine- he had two games of 27 and 31 assists in high school. Ridiculous. I wish he stayed at Kentucky because if he has a good season he would be a top five pick. He struggled this year mostly because he was playing with a fat hillbilly as his shooting guard. If he has some good players around him, which he will if he stays at Kentucky long enough, he will blow our collective minds. He can get to the basket, handles the ball really well, and is a good passer. He can shut down opposing point guards.

The Celtics don’t really need another young point guard prospect, however.

DDick and Scals started their offseason jobs- pictured at the right- and the hot topic of the month was Doc's future with the team. Unfortunately, he had a future with the team.

MAY
This was another bad month for the Celtics, as the team found out that they had the seventh overall pick in the draft instead of a top-tree. That was a rough blow soon to be made much worse by using that pick just about as poorly as humanly possible. However, May was a big month for I*Heart*Celtics thanks to the investigative cartooning by Nic. The N-Man finally captured the origin of the Scalabrine Effect. Bravo, Nic!


JUNE
June gave the I*Heart*Celtics crew a much-needed vacation for their 20-hour workdays on the website. The money continued to roll in, going from cents to dollars, and the boys basically sat and waited for the draft while ignoring the playoffs.

When the draft came, BP was in favor of the "trade Foye for Telfair" move, in one of the stupidest things he said on the website, he uttered the following:

For the Celtics' ambitions, the draft was successful. They got a point guard they wanted (Telfair), a backup point guard that is an upgrade over Dickau (Rondo), they got rid of Raef's ridiculous contract and zero inside presence in exchange for Ratliff's ridiculous contract (but one year less) and shot-blocking ability. As for Powe... my guess is that he'll be a Celtics trivia question in a few weeks. If the Celtics want to win right away, they got more NBA experience than anyone else in the draft, and they have some decent pieces for a trade in a week or two. Successful draft, unless you're an Orien Greene fan. He's not going to be around for much longer, but I'll be willing to guess that he'll land somewhere and make enough money to pay off his speeding tickets.

Good gravy. Turns out that Powe is the best player we drafted, Rondo gets no minutes despite being the best true PG on the roster, and Telfair has been just short of a disaster. Nothing is worse than having your double-talking hypocrisy exposed by a simple point-and-click. Yamma hamma... let's go on to July, shall we?

JULY

July was outrageous. While most of the Celtics were on Summer Vacation and Perk was watching "Chairman of the Board", I*Heart*Celtics got a link from Deadspin for breaking the news of Pittsnogle's signing (and his ensuing contract). Thousands of new readers flooded to the site to trash its creators. The I*Heart*Celtics staff was shocked to learn that people from West Virginia could use the internet in the first place, let alone post indecipherable, expletive-laden sentence fragments. All in all, the Pittsnogle news set an I*Heart*Celtics record for comments (41), use of the word "Shitsnoggle" in the comments section (973), and most hatred for an I*Heart*Celtics writer- when polls showed that BP was hated only slightly less than Bill Lambieer. BP's wife swore of the site forever, after even BP's own mother talked some smack.

Soon after, Nic came back from his summer vacation spent almost exclusively getting his entire body (including his face) tatted up (shown to the right), and Sullivan did some investigatory journalism about Charles Barkley's (soon-to-be) aborted plans to run for Governor of Alabama. The Celtics also rolled out the Celtics dancers in the middle of Boston with mixed results.

AUGUST

August was a month for reflection for I*Heart*Celtics. We remembered the second careers of many of our favorite players from other eras, and we looked at every player on the Celtics, the starters, the second string, and the 'Get Me a Soda' Crew. I*Heart*Celtics spent less time blogging and more time practicing for the open auditions to sing the National Anthem for the Celtics.

SEPTEMBER

The only post for the entire month of September was a classic by Sullivan- "Wally Boofs Ratliff". I*Heart*Celtics backed up their guarantee to their readers- no anal sex between Celtics players will ever go unreported.

OCTOBER

A great month in the NBA. Stephen Jackson went ape$h!t at an Indy strip club at 3AM and started shooting like Dick Cheney on a hunting trip. As Sullivan noted, comedy sometimes writes itself. David Stern responded by making the league's whining policy more strict. Shaq tried to restore the NBA's image by busting up a kiddie porn ring... or at least trying to.

The Celtics stayed in the headlines by participating in a blockbuster trade for... Luke Jackson... a move so inane that it brought a new I*Heart*Celtics contributer to the table- the honorable Chap. Red Auerbach passed away on the 28th, leaving us with a legacy as the best coach, the best front office executive, and the biggest badass, like, ever. We were sorry to see him go, but his legacy will never die!

In other news, the Celtics signed a #1 draft pick, somebody shot Fabolus and it was probably a Celtics player, and the Celtics finally identified a need- a team police blotter. The team ended the month with a kick-ass party at Doc's house.

NOVEMBER
Holy hell, the season started off terribly. New stupid plastic ball, Big Al's appendix exploded, and the Celtics had an awful record. In fact, it was the worst start since 1978. We even wondered if we'd have to start writing about Coach Wahlberg. All in all, there wasn't much to be thankful for come Thanksgiving- other than that beefcake to the right. I'll have an extra helping of that! Yum!

DECEMBER
At the end of one year of I*Heart*Celtics, the website is better than ever. The team debuted the I*Heart*Celtics store and the N-Man put together two outstanding news reports. You can see his interview with Brian Scalabrine here and his interview with Doc Rivers here. I*Heart*Celtics is read by more people per day than it was per month back in January, and the site has been linked by Deadspin and Sports Illustrated (as well as others), and the crew is plowing through as many posts per week as any NBA blog in the country. Booyah.

As for next year, we have the following resolutions:
1) Finally get in shape by using the Brian Scalabrine Guide to Fatness- a triple crown before every game.
2) Quadruple our Kobe bashing because he sucks at life and we hate him with every fiber of our collective being
3) Get Tommy and Mike to wear Heinsohn-Gorman 2008 apparel
4) Don't get molested by Isiah Thomas
5) Don't get shot by Stephen Jackson
6) No more crack binges with the Kandi Man
7) Petition to TNT to get Doc on a weekly basis during the regular season
8) Attend Celtics' games in person whenever they travel to New York, DC, um... San Diego, or *cough* Scotland.
9) Get boofed by Wally World
10) Finally, finally, FINALLY tell Ryan Gomes how we feel about him.

Happy New Year's, everybody!

CELTICS LOSE GAME; SCALABRINE WINS HALTIME PANCAKE EATING CONTEST

CELEBRATES VICTORY BY TAKING A VICTORY LAP AT THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES DURING THIRD QUARTER

In a game that I immediately regretted staying up to watch, the Celtics dropped a massive duece on the floor in Oakland, losing decidedly to a mediocre-at-best Western Conference franchise. The Celtics are winless since Paul Pierce went down.

There wasn't a lot to get excited about. The Celtics got railroaded in the first quarter then basically never came back. You never got the impression that they COULD come back, either. The game was so boring I spent some time watching a wedding show on TLC.

The oddest thing about the Celtics right now is how weird Wally and Perk look on the floor. Wally went 3-17 last night, and all Perk did was brick free throws. You would think that getting starters back would be a boost, but I was wondering the whole time why Wally has been starting over Tony Allen and why Perk has been taking minutes from Leon Powe. To make matters worse, whenever Telfair gets on the floor you wonder what exactly he's DOING there. Does "running the offense" mean slowly dribbling the ball up the floor and swinging it around the perimeter with a listless expression on your face? Does the fact that Baron Davis scored virtually every time Telfair guarded him mean anything?

Compare these statistics:

Delonte West
31 minutes, 18 points on 7-11 shooting, 6 rebounds, 5 assists, 1 block, 2 steals, 1 turnover.

Sea Bassie
29 minutes, 5 points on 2-7 shooting, 2 rebounds, 3 assists, 0 blocks, 0 steals, 1 turnover.

There is no player in the league that does less with more time than Sebastian Telfair. Who did we trade him for, again? Oh, that's right, we also got Theo Ratliff in the trade, who gets as many minutes Theo Epstein.

Of course, we here at I*Heart*Celtics can't help but rave about the play of Tony Allen, who is officially a better player than both Wally World and Gerald Green. He takes the ball to the basket! He plays legitimately hard defense (Warriors two and three guards that Tony matched up on went 10-33 from the floor, while point guards and post players went 29-50)! He shoots almost 50% from the floor, for crying out loud! Can either Gerald or Wally (or even Pierce, for that matter) say the same thing?

The Celtics are, incredibly, second to last in the worst division ever assembled in professional sport. To put things in perspective, the Sixers are nipping at our heels.

Even more incredibly, the Celtics are only 2 games out of first place behind, most incredibly, the TORONTO RAPTORS. So, I say the Celtics just play Tony and Big Al 48 minutes a night and hope for the best.

UP NEXT:
New Year's Eve against the Seattle Supersonics. If you can name the Sonics' current starting lineup, you win... bargain basement prices at the I*Heart*Celtics gift shop!!!

WHY DO I CONTINUE TO STAY UP FOR THESE GAMES?!?

GAME TURNS INTO A SLOPPY GROPEFEST WITH MIKE DUNLEAVY GRABBING SCALS' GRUNDLE; REST OF THE GAME IS FAR MORE REVOLTING TO WATCH; CELTICS LOSE BY CLOSE TO A MILLION POINTS; TRADE FOR TELFAIR LOOKS MORE AND MORE RETARDED EVERY GAME AS DELONTE OUTSCORES, OUT-ASSISTS, OUTREBOUNDS, AND OUT-TURNOVER-RATIOS SEA BASSIE; PERK AND WALLY PLAY LIKE LURCH AND DOLLY; WHEN THE HELL DOES PAUL GET BACK?!?!?!?

Please, Mr. Havlicek, Tell Me You're Wearing a Jersey Under That Sweater...

WE NEED YOU!!!

FRATELLO FIRED

AFTER BEING GROOMED FOR THE POSITION FOR YEARS, FRATELLO'S TOUPEE POISED TO BE NAMED INTERIM COACH
The Worldwide Leader in Self-Congratulatory Sports Coverage is reporting that Mike Fratello has been fired by the Memphis Grizzlies. It's a staggering decision, considering that while Fratello coaches the most boring basketball ever, he has done a good job for the last two seasons with very little talent. This year, the team has to rely on career underachievers (Stromile Swift, Damon Stoudamire), skinny-ass and wide-eyed youngsters (Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick), hobbled ugly ass foreigners (Pau Gasol, Jake Tsakikikivanderwalde), geezers way past their prime (Eddie Jones, Chuckie Atkins), and one precious international superstar (Brian Cardinal).

I*Heart*Celtics will not shed a tear over this news. The franchise's mere existence is a product of David Stern's worthless expansion dreams. Man, that decision to move the NBA to VANCOUVER worked out, didn't it, you smug little gremlin? Secondly, it's run by a former Laker, Jerry West, who happens to suck as an executive. That roster is a horror show. Third, whatever team Fratello coaches is the most boring team in the history of basketball. Fourth, the Grizzlies aren't even in the same division as the Celtics so why would we care?

Well...

What exactly does this mean for Doc Rivers? Fratello's season was destroyed by an injury to his top player. Fratello had two overachieving seasons before this year's train wreck. That's two more than Doc, that's for damn-damn...

However, our redheaded friend Nic may cry bitter tears to read this, but Fratello getting fired most likely means nothing to the Celtics. The Grizzlies needed a free pass this season (nobody expects anything from an interim coach, which conveniently covers up front office incompetence while simultaneously tanking for the draft). The Celtics actually believe that Doc Rivers is the man conscripted by Wyc to lead Danny Ainge's apocolyptic wet dream of a roster. The Grizzlies have given up. The Celtics are too clueless to know that they suck, suck, suck.

At least the Atlantic Division crown is still within reach...

CLIPPERS GET BORED DURING BLOWOUT, START BANGING EACH OTHER TO PASS THE TIME

CHRIS KAMAN MOUNTING CUTTINO MOBLEY THE LEAST OFFENSIVE IMAGE OF THE ENTIRE NIGHT; JEFFERSON MISSES SOMETHING LIKE A MILLION SHOTS; CELTICS TAKE A GORING THAT WOULD MAKE JENNA JAMESON LOOK LIKE MRS. CLEAVER; EVERYTHING SUCKS

CHRISTMAS HANGOVER BLOODBATH

IVERSON DESTROYS THE TEAM HE COULD HAVE BEEN TRADED TO; DELONTE STARTS BUT GETS HURT; FOUR OF THE CELTICS' FIVE STARTERS FROM LAST SEASON INJURED; BOYKINS GOES BONKERS; SPORTSCENTER HIGHLIGHTS THE WORST DEFENSE I HAVE EVER SEEN; CHRISTMAS SPIRIT REDUCED TO SMOKING RUBBLE- KANDI MAN SMOKES IT

SIXERS PREVAIL 98-83 AS TWO OF THE BEST JV TEAMS IN THE COUNTRY SQUARE OFF.
JEFFERSON, GREEN, EACH SCORE 20, AI SCORES 31. SCAL SCORED RAVE COMPLIMENTS ON HIS HAIRCUT FROM THE CELTICS DANCE TROUP UNTIL HE VOMITED ALL OVER THEM (HE STILL HAS THE FLU).

I HEART TONY ALLEN

I HEART TONY

I attended the Celtics Warriors game live from the Garden last night. Despite the fact that my seats were higher than the Kandi-man, I got a good look at the team.
It wasn't long into the game before I came to the conclusion that Tony Allen is the greatest player in the NBA. Sure Kobe is an unstoppable scoring threat, LeBron is a pretty decent all around player, and Tim Duncan is excellent in the post, but when you look at each players overall basketball skill set, Tony Allen still comes out on top.
Ever since Tony Allen has entered the starting line-up his play has been re-donc-u-lous. Running the floor, slashing to the basket, and absolutley harassing the other teams on defense. Against the Warriors on Wed night J-Rich, who averaged 24 points last season, scored 9 on an atrocious 4-19 shooting. J-Rich may be the king of pranks (just ask Patty O'Bryant) but on Wed the joke was on J Rich. Why? Cause Tony Allen Dee'd his @ss up. Even out of the few points he did score, probably more than half of em came when Tony was on the bench. The Warriors also had a dismal 19 tunrovers (the celtics had 20...). Tony's 3 steals don't even begin to represent his desfensive dominance. He honestly forced over 10 of those turnovers. Whether it was forcing opposing players into bad shots, desperate passes, or simply ripping it away from them, Tony was a one man defensive bully, single handedly keeping the Celtics in the game. Let's just say if there were 5 Tony Allens on the court the Warriors might have broke have broke down crying after failing to crack the 30 point barrier. The 5 Tony Allen Celtics would obviously win the game but would also finish the game with 800 turnovers...





It won't be long before you will be hearing Tony Allen's name in the same sentence as Ron Artest, Michael Cooper, and Bruce Bowan. You know what the only difference is? Tony Allen is infinently better than the other two players. Yes Tony may have the worst case of ADHD since Tim Michaud and may have allegedly killed a man or two, but compared to the psychological problems of Ron Artest he's as timid as a box turtle. While Artest is a great all around player, Tony Allen's athleticism and infinite energy make him far superior than the post-brawl softcore version of Artest. As for Bruce Bowen, the defensive vet has two distinct advantages over Allen. He's a far dirtier player and he looks much more like an ugly Frog than Tony Allen. That being said Tony is better offensive player and is actually capable of making free throws.

By my count that makes Tony Allen THE premiere perimeter defensive player in the league, but his importance to this team doesn't stop there. Tony is an offensive maniac. He attacks the basket with the same passion he brings to the night club. Celtics fans know how valuable this is to a team. Normally when the Celtics are down in the fourth everyone stands around with their thumbs up their butt watching Pierce go one on one. Now that Tony's getting crunch time minutes, he is always attacking keeping the denfense honest and making Pierces job 83% easier. The best thing about it is that he is consistantly getting to the line. Something that no other Celtic besides Pierce has been able to do.

Tony is exactly the type of defensive, energy player that you need to win a championship and if the Celtics trade him for some mediocre vet I will go bitchcakes. Pin a Tony galmour shot up on my miorror next to Big Al because NIC has a new man-crush.

Pierce is out...

Our boy, Paul Pierce, is out. Tragedy. However, in these desperate times for the C's, we have to remember that tragedy sometimes brings forth great things.

In this classic film from 2003, our heroine, played by Mandy Moore, is giving up on love. Her parents have had a messy divorce. She doesn't like her dad's new girlfriend, and her sister's wedding has taken her almost out of the family. Love just didn't seem to be in the cards for Ms. Moore, but then, one day, somebody dies or something, and she meets someone that she just might love. I'll stop, because I don't want to ruin the ending!!! ROFL!!!

You see, Celtics fans, many of us, including me five hours ago, have given up on the Celtics. But, sometimes, tragedy brings greater things. Rent the movie for more startling insights.

This next stretch for the Celtics is going to be rough. Really rough. However, I have some plans for how to weather the storm. So, here is the I*Heart*Celtics Guide:

HOW TO DEAL

1) Identify the problem areas and address them immediately. The way I see it, it's scoring, rebounding, and leadership. The scoring load will have to get picked up by whoever is hot that night. Leadership is firmly in the hands of DWest. Rebounding?

Remember, Paul isn't the only one out. Wally's out, Perk is out, Ratliff is out, Kandi Man is maybe back, and Scalabrine has scurvy from what I'm told so who the hell knows. Rebounding will be an even bigger problem now because Pierce is the second-leading rebounder on the team. Gomes will need to play some "3" for rebounding alone, and Leon Powe will need to put in some huge minutes at the "4" spot. Kandi Man and Scalabrine have to be versatile and defer to the real scorers.

2) Trying to play the regular old Celtics style without Paul Pierce and Wally World is stupid. It won't work, because other teams will prepare for those plays and the Celtics will have less crafty players running them. Doc wants these kids to learn the plays. Why? The plays suck! It's more useful to memorize decimals from Pi than learn them.

As Mark Twain once said, "Don't let Doc Rivers' stupid plays get in the way of your education." Basketball is not difficult, and these kids have been playing their whole lives. You can't replace Paul Pierce, so the team needs to play to its strengths. They should run like maniacs, drive to the basket, and jack up threes like crazy. Set plays should be kept to a minimum. In fact, "plays" at all is sort of superfluous at this point- just run the fast break. By the time that the other teams adjust to the Celtics' crazy new style, Pierce will be back, the team will have more confidence, and there will be a different offensive wrinkle to throw at opponents.

The weirdest thing about Doc is that he OVERcoaches. The more he coaches, the worse the team does. Look what happens when Big Al gets minutes to do his thing. Look what happens when Tony is allowed to stay in after trying to dribble with his face. Gerald plays a whole quarter and leads the Celtics from 20 points down back to victory.

Doc should let these kids play. Gerald, Al, and Tony have all shown the ability to drop 30 points on an NBA team. Leave these boys in the game, shut the hell up, and let them shoot when they think they're open.

3) Practice end-game situations. Pierce takes every last second shot. Every play is drawn up for him. The Celtics have demonstrated complete failure in the endgame countless times, and that is WITH one of the best clutch shooters in the game in control. Pierce is down, so the Celtics will have to actually draw up a play in case it's a one-shot game down the stretch.

4) Play Rondo instead of Telfair. Rondo is far better suited for an up-tempo, devil-may-care style than Telfair. Also, let's be honest here, Telfair kinda sucks. DWest has been getting his late-game minutes and playing far better. Let's not kid ourselves here, Telfair walks the ball up the floor and sets up the offense. That's all he does.

If the Celtics want to keep their opponents on their heels, they have to use their secret weapons. In this case, it's Rondo. No team has faced him so far, and he's not going to have to go against any great point guards in the next two weeks, unless you count A.I. as a point guard. The table is set perfectly for Rondo.

5) Look at the schedule. Sixers, 1/2 of the Nuggets, Raptors, Warriors, Grizzlies... it sucks that Pierce is hurt because the Celtics could have gone on a ridiculous win streak again. At the same time, I don't see any of these teams being far superior to the Celtics even with Pierce out. These games are winnable, and the Celtics should expect to win these games.

Hopefully, by the time Pierce comes back, the team will be perched at the top of the Atlantic, more confident, and ready for a big run. That is, unless Doc plays Scalabrine at the point, Danny trades the young guys for Pau "Where's My 'L' " Gasol, and the team folds under the incredible volume of front-office incompetence.

It's a coin flip, really.

TIME TO PANIC!!!!!!
PIERCE HURT, WILL MISS 3 WEEKS; GOOGLE REFUSES TO ALLOW US TO UPLOAD PICTURES; WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!?

ARRRRRGH...........

THIS WAS PROBABLY CALLED A FOUL ON DELONTE; REFS BLOW GAME FOR THE CELTICS, WHO CLOSE AN 8-POINT DEFICIT IN FOURTH ONLY TO LOSE BY ONE MEASLY POINT; I*HEART*CELTICS PISSED, WORST REFFING EVER

Of course, it's customary to bitch about the refs when you lose, but this was truly outrageous. The Celtics were called for travelling violation after travelling violation, 3-second violation after 3-second violation (8 against the Celtics), while troglodytes like Matt Barnes were doing Michael Flatley impressions with the ball or setting up base camp in the lane. Big Al, Gomes, and Tony Allen were victims of criminal negligence by the refs. I wanted Scalabrine to sit on each of the refs' faces and do what he does after he hammers that cheese buffet. Disgraceful!

Even so, the Celtics should have won this one. The had the ball, down one, with 20 seconds to go. For some insane reason, Doc decided against calling a timeout. Paul Pierce was literally triple teamed at the top of the key- game over. The incompetence down the stretch was mind-blowing. Doc should have called a timeout, the players should have called a timeout, somebody should have called some kind of play, Pierce should have thought twice about driving into a triple team, and his teammates should have done SOMETHING to get open. Then again, the refs should have called a foul on the final play, but whatever.

What a debacle. The Celtics can overcome their Coach's incompetence (at least 40% of the time), but when the refs are against them, it's hopeless.

I am going on to the superlatives so I can stop thinking about this game.

MVP: Pierce. He was big down the stretch, both moving the ball and scoring, but he wins this one just because no one played well enough to challenge him for it.

LVP: Allan Ray. 6 seconds and nothing of anything. At least it's six seconds more than Scalabrine, who was rewarded for his stellar play of late by losing minutes to a do-nothing Leon Powe.

Coach's Grade: F
I don't feel the need to go over this again. The refs get an F, too, and they're also going to get a brick through their window.

UP NEXT: The winning streak starts over Friday at home against the Sixers.

EXCLUSIVE DOC RIVERS INTERVIEW

Button-hooks, chicken bones, and pimp slippers. Or, Who needs practice when you are in first place anyway?

Although I am becoming quite convinced that "Basketball Practice" under Doc Rivers more closely resembles an elementary school gym class than any kind of professional skill-honing session, I was quite tickled to read this morning that the 10-13 Celtics spent most of their practice yesterday playing football with the Patriots' Daniel Graham. For the play by play, we turn to The Boston Herald: "with Gerald Green playing the role of a slipper-footed, chicken-munching quarterback, Graham bumped Pierce at the imaginary line of scrimmage before allowing his howling host to run under the ball for a catch down the other end of the floor." Of course, when Doc Rivers blew his whistle and announced it was time to play the playground classic "Steal the Bacon", TheVeal immediately bolted to the nearest 7-11 and jacked the entire pork cooler.

But who am I to criticize? After all, the Celtics are in first place, are over .400 (the adjusted gold standard in the Atlantic), and are on their longest win streak since early 2005. And in a season marked by so many changes (new ball, harsher penalties for fighting, new standards for technical fouls), why not Botox the outdated "working-on-your-weaknesses-to-become-a-better-team-style" practice with a "neo-Baroque-post-Auerbach party-practice"?

As G and P squared debuted yesterday, here's what it entails:

No required footware:

Out are high-tops, in are slippers. This not only will maximize comfort for players, but will also spearhead slipper designs by all the major athletic shoe-makers. Slippers haven't been in such high-demand since the EPA listed rapper Cam'ron as public enemy numero uno for boastfully owning a pair of bald-eagle head slippers (I kid you not). Luckily for Cam'ron his status as a DIP-lomat got him out of that horrific breach of poaching laws untouched (although those believing in Karma were given some validation when he got shot in the stomache a few weeks later while driving a purple Lamborghini on his way home from launching his clothing line: shirts with holsters built into them-again, I kid you not).

Also out: ankle braces, socks. In: Roman Sandles with golden horse-mane ties, Timbs.

Food should be readily available on court, and I don't mean powerbars:

Clearly, hungry players cannot win practice. It is a proven fact that Tony Allen plays much better after eating Salmon and Mashed Potatoes than on an empty stomach. Gerald Green throws way more touchdowns if he is simultaneously eating a chicken leg. Naturally. Replace that Gatorade with some Cater-aid. Fully-catered practices would not only be a draw for star players, but also keep the Scalabrine effect going all afternoon, not to mention keep both G. Green's passer rating and The Veal's per-second caloric intake well into the triple digits.

"Practicing" should not necessarily mean "Practicing Basketball":

Let's face it, there are other things to life than basketball (as much as the t-shirt to the right wants to tell you otherwise). Thats why the court should not only be opened up to football and other athletic activities, but also to such life skills taught in short-courses (catered as well), like: "picking the right defense attourney", "When is it ok to carry a gun onto the team plane?: Never!", or "'No Orien, they were not made to be broken': An introduction to the driving laws of Waltham, MA".

----
Tonight the Warriors are in town, something I can't remember ever having happened before. Doc teetered in his press conference yesterday about whether Wally would be back to play, way ahead of schedule. I say let him sit at least for the first half, no need to rush that. If we need some outside shooting desperately, stick him in and restrict him to set shots and out-of-bounds throw-ins.

I say the Celtics make it six.

Golden State Game Preview

The Warriors come into the Garden tonight after losing both the game and Monta Ellis against the Nets on Monday. The Warriors are coached by the fatter, whiter, and less entertaining Nellie (Don) and once again they look poised to miss the playoffs. However, they have several talented players and outrageous contracts which put them in prime position for a mid-season trade.

The problem that the Celtics might face would be falling prey to some of the hilarious pranks that former Michigan State star Jason Richardson might pull. Check this one he put on rookie Patrick O'Bryant. BURN!!!! Next time rook, just get the man his strawberry shortcake! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Warriors play zero defense but they have several players capable of putting up huge numbers on any given night. The Celtics will get a boost with the Kandi-Man and Gomes coming back, but hopefully Doc finally understands that if you play Jefferson for 35 minutes, you are guaranteed a double-double and four blocks. I'm not too worried about the defense of Adonal Foyle, Colgate's finest, but I am worried about getting that damn song on his website stuck in my head. Mike Dunleavy has this sweet mix up on Youtube, but I think he's more style than substance.

As for the Celtics, the team shouldn't make any major changes because they're rolling. Even though DWest is playing much better than Telfair, keep Telfair in the starting lineup just to preserve the status quo. Getting Gomes and Kandi Man back is great, though. Clearly Gomes should take Scalabrine's minutes and Kandi Man will take some bong hits at the end of the bench.

PREDICTION
Celtics put a bitchslap on the Golden State Warriors that would make Ike Turner blush.
Celtics 137, Warriors 79

DING DONG THE DEAL IS DEAD!!!!

IVERSON DEALT TO SIXERS FOR ANDRE MILLER, JOE SMITH, AND TWO FIRST ROUNDERS; CELTICS DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH BALL-HOGGING, TEAM-DESTROYING, EGOMANIAC JACKASS; DANNY AINGE VOWS TO DESTROY THE TEAM SOME OTHER WAY; BILLY KING GUARANTEES FAILURE IN THE UPCOMING DRAFT DESPITE HAVING THE WHOLE FIRST ROUND TO HIMSELF

What's Cooking with the Celtics?

As the holiday season kicks into high gear, traditions are being taken out of the closet, dusted off and being put to good use. Everyone has their own traditions and that’s what makes each person and each family different and unique. While I am one of those people who enjoy my Christmas with a delectable ham, scrumptious sweet potatoes and an ambrosia salad that will make even Jeff Van Gundy smile, I have decided this year to throw all that out the window and try a new tradition. If you haven’t seen this yet, then you get out less than Marv Albert when his harlots are in town. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMJxcmqYbg&mode=related&search=

Salmon and mashed potatoes! First of all, I’d like to say that Tony Allen brings a nice touch to the Celtics. He has an incredible amount of energy with a nice touch of F*** you that he displays to every team he goes up against. This is something that I imagine every player on the Celtics in the 80’s had, at least a little bit. On top of that, he is incredibly athletic, to an extent that only few players in the NBA are. With that being said, salmon and mashed potatoes! As I watched that clip over and over, it became apparent that everyone needed to see this clip and that the recipe should be passed on so that Tony Allen isn’t the only one enjoying salmon and mashed potatoes during the holidays. Greg Dickerson missed the boat on this one with no follow up questions, but Iheartceltics was quick to respond and was able to catch up with Tony the next day while he prepared his favorite meal. He allowed us to write down the recipe.

Tony Allen’s Wild Alaskan Salmon with Mashed Potatoes and Chive Sabayon

For the sabayon

• 6 egg yolks
• 1/4 cup dry white wine
• 1/4 cup fresh chives-minced
• salt and pepper

Place a large bowl over a pot of boiling water. Add the egg yolks and white wine. Whisk continuously until a thermometer registers 140 degrees and the mixture has tripled in volume (about 7-10 minutes), Remove from heat and continue whisking for several minutes until the sauce cools down. Stir in the chives and salt and pepper as needed

For the salmon

• four 6-8 ounce Wild salmon filets
• 1 T. chopped flat leaf parsley

• 1 T. chopped chives
• Extra Virgin olive oil
• Salt and pepper

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place a large sauté pan over medium high heat and lightly coat the bottom of the pan with olive oil. Season the filets with salt and pepper and rub with the fresh herbs. Place the filets (top side down) into the pan. Cook the filet until a light brown crust forms (about 3 minutes). Remove from the pan and transfer to an ovenproof dish. Roast the salmon for 5 minutes for medium rare until the salmon feels slightly firm to the touch.

For the potatoes

• 3 Russet potatoes
• 1/4 cup grated horseradish

• 3 T. Extra Virgin olive oil
• Salt and pepper

Bring a large pot of water to rolling boil. Peel the potatoes and cut into large dice. Cook the potatoes until very tender but not falling apart (about 10 minutes) Drain the potatoes. While they are still hot, put the potatoes through a ricer (hot potatoes will produce a fluffier mash). Mix the riced potatoes with the horseradish and olive oil. Salt and pepper as needed.

Chef Tony’s passion for his salmon and potatoes rivals the passion that he brings each and every day on the court. At the end of the meal, Tony asked me to share this with all of the Celtics fans so that they could enjoy what he loves so much during the holidays and then he told me to get the hell out.

Stay tuned next week when Iheartceltics catches up with Tommy Heinsohn as he makes his famous I Love Pancakes.

NBA News & Notes

-The Celtics are apparantly in a three-team race with the Nuggets and TWolves to land A.I. I have never wanted to lose a race more in my life. The Celtics are rolling, having won five in a row, and all the structural problems that plagued the team earlier in the year (say, when they were 5-13) are getting fixed by the young players. In fact, the Celtics are playing so well top to bottom that the Scalabrine is putting in quality minutes. The Celtics have risen from the cellar to 18th in ESPN's Power Rankings, and the team is going to start getting players back from injury soon. (Kandi Man may be back on Wednesday!) If there's anything that the Celtics DON'T need, it's another two guard, especially one that has never demonstrated the ability to play an offense other than "The Allen Iverson Show". This hasn't been a flukey run- the team is getting defensive stops, they have a low-post threat, the point guards are distributing the ball well, and the team is executing well down the stretch. The C's don't need a shake-up, we've waited two years to watch these players pull it together.

Why, why WHY would a team that has been patienty waiting for its youth to produce want to TRADE everyone THE VERY MOMENT THAT THE PLAN APPEARS TO BE WORKING?!? Madness.

-George Karl called Isiah Thomas a "jerk", a "jackass", and "an asshole". Those quotes make it sound better than it was. Unfortunately, his so-called tirade was almost as weak as the brawl itself. He was babbling about not running up the score most of the time. Why is George Karl defending himself? This is how he should have handled his answer.

Grizzled looking dude in a stained polo shirt: Coach, Isiah Thomas accused you of running up the score. Any comment?

George Karl: Running up the score? We're talking about running up the score? If they aren't the worst team in the NBA, they're pretty close. I mean, what's more embarrassing- losing by 20 at home, or getting booed by all 1,000 of your remaining fans every single game? How could you NOT run the score up on them? Just punt every time you get the ball? Would it make you feel better if took out all my players and started playing the coaches and team doctors in the fourth quarter?

Isiah is a horror show of a human being. I don't know how he wasn't suspended for ordering a hit on one of my players and then blaming ME for it afterwards. He was a dirty player, his sexual harassment lawsuit demonstrates that he has a dirty mind, and he's a dirty coach. All he can do well is cheat, bitch, harrass people, and write checks with somebody else's money. The fact that he wasn't suspended is probably just to make it easier when he's fired for running a once-powerful franchise so far into despondency that it made the UN's Human Rights Watch.

I hate that man, and I will do everything in my power to pulverize whatever shreds of his good name remain. Isiah sucks at life. I can't wait to see that asshole fired. Maybe he could call up a WNBA team for a job- that is, if he's allowed within 90 feet of a woman.

-The inevitable race-related backlash against the backlash of the brawl is starting to take shape. Steve Francis notes that the MLB and NHL don't go nuts with suspensions when they get into fights. Good point, but I wonder how much of it is race-related and how much of it is David Stern being a little twit. However, Billy Hunter made a statement so stupid it transcended space and time.

"I don't want to bad-mouth football players, but there's something hypocritical about the system. The difference is that the stars who are showcased in the NFL are the white quarterbacks. You see the Mannings; Tom Brady; Drew Brees. And my guy in Green Bay, Brett Favre. But every time you see a survey, the NBA players always score low, in terms of public image."

Um... do I really need to explain this to you, Billy? Michael Jordan remains the most marketable athlete in the history of the world, and he's was a black NBA player. There's a big difference between Michael Jordan and the players of today. Michael Jordan won 6 NBA titles, a gold medal, and made Space Jam. Carmelo Anthony has won no NBA titles, a broze medal, and made an instructional video for crack dealers.

Perhaps that hinders his marketability, no?

FIFTEEN FOR 'MELO; TEN FOR J.R. AND SPONTANEOUS NATE

STERN GOES WAY OVERBOARD JUST AS I*HEART*CELTICS PREDICTED; THREATENS TO END BRAWLING IN NBA FOREVER; I*HEART*CELTICS HOLD EACH OTHER AND CRY THEMSELVES TO SLEEP

We should have formally predicted it... check the comments section from BP's post yesterday.

Nic said...
i love how those bitches on sports center talk about how troublng this is for the league and how it makes everyone feel sick after watching it. This was a tame fight where no one came close to getting hurt. Its just part of basketball. When some team decides to be a dick and run up the score in a blowout, tempers are going to flare and its going to get rough. No one should even be suspended. Tell the pussies at sports center and the league office to go watch some film from the 50's where this stuff happened every night. Dont you think Cousy and Heinshon just sut at home laughing to themselves when they see these so called "brawls" unfold and everyone flip out.

Sullivan said...
seriously, i was watching the celtics dynasty series recently, and in ONE game against the lakers int he playoffs (it was the game in LA where McHAle clotheslined Rambis), there were a total of three brawls in one half. I kid you not. Suck it up Stern/Steven "A for Asshole" Smith.

BP said...
Three brawls in one half- that's great. I have a hunch that people would like the NBA MORE if there were more brawls. People that are prefer college basketball talk about how much "passion" the players play with. I think their criticism of the NBA is valid- that the players don't seem to care.Stern wants to make the game so businesslike that it doesn't even look like a GAME anymore. Who other than ESPN cares if they got into a little fight- no fans were hurt! Those asses that find these fights so dispicable are the same "purity of the game" d-bags are the same ones that rave about Asthon Korver's game.David Stern will lay the hammer down on these players to show what a tough guy he is.

RATE THAT BRAWL!!!

The other night, the Knicks and the Nuggest got into a "brawl". Here's how it went down:

1) Nuggets build gigantic lead in New York.
2) Nuggets' starters start showboating with less than five minutes remaining.
3) Mardy Collins puts a hard foul on J.R. Smith.
4) J.R. Smith starts "jawing", as the super cool white people in the media call it.
5) Tiny Nate Robinson comes flying in and shoving J.R. Smith, gets smacked by 'Melo.
6) J.R. Smith slaps at Robinson, Robinson bodyslams Smith and starts beating the hell out of him.
7) Nate Robinson gets double-crossed by his teammates, who pull him back, allowing J.R. Smith to stand up and slap Robinson in the face with an open fist.
8) Everyone is pulled apart. Nothing is happening. All of a sudden, Carmelo Anthony slaps Mardy Collins in the face.
9) Down goes Collins!
10) 'Melo runs away as if he's a stockbroker and Nate Robinson is Ron Artest.
11) Some random coach throws his clipboard, which saves 'Melo from getting his ass beaten by Nate Robinson.
12) A coach tries to stop Jeffries by clinging to his leg.
13) J.R. Smith and Carmelo sprint out of the building.

We all know how much I love NBA fights. They are the best. Some say NHL fights are better. Hogwash! Two toothless Canadian dudes drunkenly belting each other while figure skating around- amusing- but getting to see thugged-out, tattooed NBA players fight like sissies is incomparable. Great stuff. There is no other place in the world where millionaires slap each other on national television.

There have been many great brawls in basketball history, and the Celtics have been involved in several of them. Names like Ralph, Bill, Kurt, and Doctor bring fond memories.

The greatest brawl of all time is unquestionably the Pistons-Pacers classic. Nothing even comes close. But how does this recent brawl stack up? There are 10 categories, and we'll rank it out of 100 points. The Pacers-Pistons managed to score a 176, screwing up the scale for every brawl to come afterward.

PLAYERS INVOLVED
This was a nice combination of random dudes, cult heroes, and superstars. Anytime you get a player of Carmelo Anthony's pedigree throwing down, it's a treat. When he's going against a dwarf that dresses like a prep school kid, it's better. It was no Dr. J/Bird or Kobe/Reggie Miller, but it was good nonetheless. The missing ingredient was the actual criminal/crazy dude with no restraint.
8/10

RIVALRY/HISTORY/BITTERNESS
The New York fans looked almost disinterested. Now, that could be because no one goes to Knicks game. It could be because it was the fourth quarter of a blowout. Or, it could be because the Nuggets game couldn't be more meaningless for the Knicks this season. It will go down as one of the five or six dozen games the Knicks lose this year.
1/10

PROVOCATION
Something has to be done to set these brawls off. It is usually something unexpectedly crazy when tensions are at a boiling point. Unfortunately, the foul to start this brawl wasn't even that bad, and only one team was riled up- the Knicks. The Nuggets were just having a good time. Apparantly, it was a category 2 flagrant foul that set it off, which sounds better than it was. All Collins did was knock J.R. Smith down. Weak.
1/10

CRAZINESS
The craziest man of the fight was J.R. Smith, who went whirling around like a maniac, got whipped by Nate Robinson, punched Nate Robinson, and ran away from Nate Robinson. It wasn't "what the hell is that guy thinking" crazy, it was "that dude is schitzo" crazy. Carmelo's punch on Mardy Collins was a desperate ploy to look tough, so that wasn't really that crazy.
3/10

COWARDICE
The sucker slap by 'Melo was funny, 'Melo and J.R. Smith running away from Nate Robinson as if the little guy had chainsaws for arms was definitely the highlight of the melee.
10/10

RANDOM HERO
This one was pretty great. Jeff Van Gundy set the standard by latching himself on to Alonzo Mourning's leg back in 1998, and some random coach did his best impression in trying to curtail Nicole Ritchie, I mean, Jarrod Jeffries. Anyway, that 85-pound wonder ripped through that coach like Jim Brown on a touchdown run. I also enjoyed the random clipboard that went flying across the floor as 'Melo fled.
8/10

SIGNATURE MOMENT
This has to be Carmelo's sucker slap of Mardy Collins. Crazy, way after the fight was over, good power for a slap (knocked Collins over), and executed by the NBA scoring leader on the 12th man for the worst team in the league. It also single-handedly destroyed 'Melo's street cred more than a "WB" tattoo could ever dream of doing.
8/10

TALKING HEAD HOLIER-THAN-EVERYBODY HYSTERIA
Weak. Again, the Pistons-Pacers brawl set the standard. Stephen A. Smith made a slave metaphor to a nodding group of professionals, for crying out loud. This reaction could hardly be called "hysteria". In fact, none of the heavy hitters felt much of a need to comment this weekend. I guess we should wait this one out and see what the boys at PTI say.
1/10
POST-BRAWL QUOTES
This couldn't have been much better. I'm paraphrasing here, but the range of quotes was truly breathtaking. It went from "What fight?" (J.R. Smith) to "I did what I had to do" (Jeffries) to "whatever, my crack dealer buddies are waiting for me" ('Melo) to "disgrace" (George Karl) to "we just have to keep on fighting" (Robinson) to "It was all the fat old guy's fault" (Isiah Thomas). The fact that Isiah Thomas probably drew himself a suspension for his actions in the press conference is almost unprecidented stupidity even by Isiah Thomas standards. Bravo!
12/10

REWATCHABILITY
I have watched the brawl a grand total of ten times because I felt that spotting a couple random heroes would be inevitable, but the Garden security did a great job and most of the fighting, unfortunately, was contained. There wasn't a lot of nuance to this brawl. At the Palace Brawl, once you got over the fact that Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest were pummelling fans at random, you had Jermaine O'Neal punching a troll in the mouth. You had Reggie Miller in a Michael Irvin suit getting coated in beer and nachos. You had referees trying to call fouls on people. You had coaches running willy-nilly. You had the announcers babbling incoherently. There was so much going on! This one was pretty straightforward- hard foul, shoving, punch, melee, run for the exits.
3/10

TOTAL GRADE
55/100
A weak brawl is better than no brawl, but this one could have been a lot better. The interesting (and developing) subplot that Isiah warned 'Melo not to go to the basket before the hard foul could inject some new life into this one. In the meantime, those pansies should watch "Flavor of Love" for chickfight lessons.

CELTICS POWER RANKINGS

SCAL DOES A LITTLE DANCE IN THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER DOMINATING THE BOBCATS

1. Big Al- Reason 87 why Doc Rivers is a bad coach: It took injuries from Perkins, Ratliff, Gomes, and Olawakandi (thats all of the Celtics Big men!) to finally give Big Al playing time. The result? Big Al has been averaging over 20 and 10 and has become the Celtics the best low post player since Kevin McKale. Doc can cry all he wants about Big Al's immaturity on defense, but the fact that he has kept this potential 30 point per game player on the bench for the past year is mind numbing. The big kick in the balls is that he's doing the same thing to Gerald Green...

2. Tony Allen- Tony finally is back to his old uber-athletic/spazoid self. Now that his legal problems and injuries have died down, his confidence is back on track and he's showing that he can be a legitamate 20 point scorer for the C's. The thing that makes Tony sooo valuable to this team and the reason he was on my "do not trade for any reason" list when the season started was because he is one of the best one on one defenders in the league. He fights through high screens, helps in the paint, and can pick his spots on steals. The guy is Bruce Bowen minus looking like an alien and being a total dickweed, with the athletic ability of a Michael Jordan and an in your face offensive attitude. He scored 30 the other night against Denver and came out against the B-Cats last night taking the ball to the hoop and getting to the line. On a Celtics team where the defensive coach must have received a lambotomy, Tony is exactly the versitile type of player they need as their 3rd scorer.

3.Paul Pierce- Not much to say about Paul. In the past week he has let Big Al and Tony make all the noise while he quietly knotches 30, 10, and 5 a night. He's been distributing the ball well and takes over games down the stretch. Plus his commercial where Lucky puts his clothes in Pierces locker is hilarious.
click here to watch Notice that Lucky didn't try that shit to Tony Allens or Bassy's locker...


4. Delonte West- After watching last nights C's/ B-Cats game there is little question to who should be the starting point gurard on this team. Telfair is quick and flashy. That being said, he does not create anything, he does not push the ball, and he cannot shoot. Delonte does all these things and he tries about 8 billion times harder than anyone else on the team. Plus he's a clutch player and is the funniest bastard alive. When you have Pierce, Big Al, and Tony all attacking the basket, you want someone who can shoot lights out spreading the floor. Along with Pierce, Delonte saved the game last night, hitting timley jumpers when everyone else was scared to shoot. This is reason #6046 why Doc Rivers sucks donkey balls as a coach. He gave Telfair a shot, but now doesnt have the grapefruits to admit his mistake and go back to starting Delonte at the point.

5. "The Veal"- Thats right. The Veal cracks the top 5 this week after another ballsy performance last night, tipping rebounds, hitting open shots, and even a little hustling out of the big man. People laughed when Doc talked about how the Veal was too mature for this team last year, but in a way it was true. He does little things and needs competant players around him for them to be effective because god knows he can't do any big things himself. That's the kind of player he is and when he's got 3 guys who can dominate like Pierce, Allen, and Jefferson, he's a perfect fit . Don't worry Scal, other people may give you a hard time, but you know the good people here at iheartceltics have got your back.

6.The Dunk Machine- When I saw Gerald Green get that steal last night leading to his fast break windmill jam, I was more excited than Scal the day he found out they made Doritos in "Cool Ranch" flavor. Gerald is electric and the great thing is that he is hustling like a mo fo. He was out there last night challenging Adam Morrison on every shot. He was getting on the offensive boards, and running the fast break. Reason # 384 why Doc Rivers is a terrible coach? The fact that he's only playing double G 7 minutes a game. As he did with Jefferson, Doc might luck out again as injuries to Wally World and Gomes might actually get Gerald some decent minutes and he might realize he has a Tracy McGrady sans character flaws and vagina, collecting dust on his bench.

7. Leone Powe- The guys has Andrew Declerqness to his hustle and currently as the only big reserve we have, he's playing tough and making the best of his oppertunity. Does anyone else thinks he looks like a giant Oriene Green right down to his number?
8. Wally World- Wally was playing great the last week, providing the Celtics with the perfect stability off the bench. After suffering another ankle injury last night, Wally will be out yet again giving us no choice but to drop him in the rankings.

9. Bassy- After a pretty decent start to the season the Bass looks lost out there on the court. He doesn't know how to use his quickness and just has not been the play maker the Celtics need. All of Bassy's shortcomings seem to be Delonte's stregths, and ignoring the fact that the coach is brain dead, he should lose his starting position to D-West by the end of the holidays. Then we'll cross our fingers he goes Fabolous on Doc Rivers...
10. Rhondo- Assuming he's still on the the team?
11. Doc Rivers- The fact that this team lost 5 in a row and then won 5 in a row is a testament to how terrible the coaching is. The talent is obviously there but with Doc running the show, you know this season is going to be a roller-coaster of frustration.

Celtics Win Fifth In a Row

JEFFERSON DOMINATES THE PAINT; SCALABRINE GETS CRUCIAL REBOUNDS AND DEFENSIVE STOPS; DWEST AND PIERCE SEAL THE WIN WITH FREE THROWS; CELTICS HAVE SECOND LONGEST WIN STREAK IN NBA; BOOYAH!!!

The Celtics beat the Charlotte Bobcats 106-100 tonight. It was a ridiculous game in which the Bobcats had a huge lead, then the Celtics had a huge lead, then the Celtics had their backs against the wall, then Scalabrine started playing with the intensity he usually reserves for the buffet table and the Celtics pulled away.

Scalabrine had a Larry Bird-esque play tonight, no joke. With the game in limbo in the fourth, Scalabrine perfectly busted up a 3-on-1 break by the Bobcats. Pierce and Big Al were huge down the stretch to put the Celtics in front, and DWest and Pierce sealed the deal down the stretch with perfect free throw shooting.

It was an odd game to watch because although the Celtics played well throughout, they never looked to be in control of the game. Meanwhile, the Bobcats are one of the strangest teams to watch. They just seem to shoot constantly. I have never seen someone shoot as much as Adam Morrison, except for maybe Matt Carroll. Those two shoot, shoot, shoot and they never really make anything.

The Celtics would have blown this game wide open if it weren't for Gerald Wallace- who is a total stud. He was almost unstoppable down the stretch, but then he was stopped.

Overall, a good win for the Celtics against a team that gives a lot of teams trouble. The Bobcats have beaten the Spurs this year when the Spurs were playing decent, so it's not out of the ordinary to struggle against the Communist Bobcats.

On to the superlatives!

MVP: Jefferson. He was big in the paint against Okafor. He is a FORCE!

LVP: Adam Morrison. Put down that Marx and learn to do something on the court other than plod your way to the ugliest damn jumper I've seen in the league since Popeye "Bat Boy" Jones. Even his jab step is slow. Adam Morrison should watch Dirk tapes all day and all night if he wants to be the Great White American Hope.

Scalabrine Effect: STRONG AS IT'S EVER BEEN. That 3-on-1 breakup was fantastic. I forgave him immediately for eating Tony salman and mashed potatoes before the game.

Random Note: I probably won't be able to resist commenting on that hilarious Knicks-Nuggets fight last night- but did you all know that Carmelo "Stop Snitching" Anthony has a "WB" tattoo? Anybody insight into this homage to the network with a viewership of 2, 'Melo and Nic?

Random Note #2: Nate Robinson said after the game that the Knicks had to "keep fighting" while dressed like a freshman at Exeter... after beating the piss out of J.R. Smith. I LOVE IT.

Bad News: Wally's injury. He seemed to be a bad injury at first, but he was somewhat mobile afterwards. People are dogging on him lately because of Tony's great play, but Wally will be even MORE valuable for the Celtics as a

Doc's Grade: A
What's to complain about? Solid effort all around.

UP NEXT:
Suspensions for the Knicks and Nuggets, no trade for A.I. for a couple weeks, Celtics play Wednesday at home against Golden State.