Celtics @ Atlanta: BP's Running Diary

I will be listening to the game on the radio today, so in the spirit of Bill Simmons I will commit myself to a running diary of what is going on. Why the radio, you say? Well... spending an afternoon in a sports bar is just a little too depressing.

I'll update this baby as the game rolls along, but I have a few notes to take care of right off the bat.

-I know this isn't I*Heart*Patriots.com, but it was hilarious to watch LT freaking out after the Patriots won yesterday. I loved the postgame "classless" comment and "maybe it comes from the head coach", as well. This is coming from the team with several unsportsmanlike conduct penalties throughout the game and a juiced-up linebacker that timed his steroid suspension appeal so that he could appear in the most games? And, excuse me, if mimicking Merriman's dance is "classless", does that make the dance "classy"?

I've always loved the team "unsportsmanlike conduct" in the context of the NFL, anyway. If everything "unsportsmanlike" was a 15-yard penalty, there would be no plays from scrimmage that actually counted. Is doing a steroid-enhanced celebratory seizure sportsmanlike (Mr. Merriman)? Is spiking the football unsportsmanlike? Is talking trash unsportsmanlike? Of course they are!

The term "unsportsmanlike" is grossly misused. I think the penalty should be renamed "truly psychotic behavior".

-Just so Nic knows, Big Ben Wallace is averaging 6 points, 10 rebounds, and 2 blocks per game. Meanwhile, Big Al Jefferson is averaging 13 points, 10 rebounds, and 1.3 blocks per game. The difference? Big Al is 23, while Big Ben is 33, and Big Ben makes roughly $10 million more per season.

-I thought that I should point out the fact that Allan Ray is shooting 29% from the field, 19% from three, and 46% from the line. Todd Day's career averages, if you were wondering- 40% from the field, 34% from three, and 74% from the line. Allan Ray makes Todd Day look like Rick Barry.

-That's all for now... tip-off in 40 minutes.

2:04
I was planning on toggling between the Celtics and Hawks radio coverage, but these annoying Southern commercials make me want to secede. Unfortunately, NBA Audio League Pass only has Atlanta radio... so it's either Hawks coverage or Hawks coverage. Fantastic.

I don't know who the Atlanta radio announcers are, but their color guy sounds like his face is so fat he has trouble opening his mouth. He also is speaking directly into the mic. Highly annoying.

2:10
"The morale is great" for the Hawks, apparantly. That's good to hear, because their team absolutely sucks.

2:11
Dominque Wilkins is giving a speech about Martin Luther King Day. Good job by the former Celtics superstar. The announcers are talking about retiring Doc's number... why not hire him as coach?

FIRST QUARTER
2:12
Tip off. "There is no way that this... um... Gerald Green... can keep up with Joe Johnson." Ooh boy, this is going to be an irritating afternoon.

2:14
I think Gerald heard that because he just drained a three. 43% on the season.

2:15
The color guy is advocating a "fast start" not a "sluggish start" for the Hawks. Good idea.

2:19
Perkins has hands like bricks, but Gerald Green drains a long two. The Hawks' color man is backing down on his early Gerald-bashing already.

2:20
20 second timeout. I don't even want to know what Doc is telling those kids.

2:21
Steal by Josh Smith for a dunk. Nicely used timeout. I hope Doc is having such a great time in Atlanta that he never wants to leave.

2:22
I just did some detective work to discover that the color man for the Hawks' radio coverage is Dennis Scott. Interestingly, their play-by-play man, Steve Holman, is from Lawrence Massachusetts and was broadcast assistant for Johnny Most. He also has jowls, which is old school.

2:27
Dennis Scott just made a Olo-wa-who?!? joke.

2:28
Telfair has missed everything he has put up. He must be taking shooting lessons from Allan Ray. Meanwhile, Gerald Green is the best player on the floor.

2:30
Now, I remember Dennis Scott has a fat Reggie Miller. However, apparantly:

He has made guest appearances on several Nickelodeon sitcoms, including “My Brother and Me,” “Clarissa Explains it All,” and “Gullah, Gullah Island.”

If that's the case, I can guarantee that Nic has a Dennis Scott poster or six up in his room.

2:32
Dennis Scott just said that he has never heard of Leon Powe. What a joker. OPERATION: Find Pictures of Dennis Scott Looking Fat will commence in 2 minutes.

2:34
The Celtics are getting smoked, and Allan Ray has entered the game. Dennis Scott: "Who is that?"

"He's a rookie from Villanova."

"Oh."

Dennis Scott is the least-prepared color guy ever. You could at least learn the players' names, for crying out loud.

2:36
Danny Ainge is apparantly "in love" with Rondo, according to Holman. Maybe Rajon should play more than 1 minute a game, eh? By the way, I googled "Dennis Scott magic" and this picture came up --->

Let me introduce you to Thomas Raynor.

Thomas Raynor
Seat: 209 R 10
STH Since: 2002
Favorite Concession Food: Pizzeria Uno
Favorite Magic Player: Dwight Howard
Favorite Magic Moment: When Francis was traded to the Magic
Favorite Magic Player All-time: Darrell Armstrong
Favorite Hobby: Basketball
Favorite Play: 3-point shot
Favorite Thing About A Magic Game: Watching the heart of the players on the court

SECOND QUARTER
The Celtics had 9 turnovers in the first quarter. Perkins and Al appear to have taken Scal's advice and bathed in bacon grease before the game. They can't hold on to anything.

2:41
Powe puts the ball in the basket, finally... unfortunately, he does it for the Hawks.

2:42
Salim Stoudemire shoots every time he touches the ball. He has the fewest minutes and the most shots on the team.

2:43
Gerald Green makes the crowd go, "oooooh" with a windmill jam. Salim responds by bricking another three. For those of you keeping score at home, he's 1-6.

2:49
"I told you Steve, this kid is very active and he can play!" That's Dennis Scott talking about Gerald Green, who is taking the ball to the rim like a stud. Maybe Mr. Scott should spend less time preparing for his role as an extra on "Sister Sister" and more time preparing for his day job.

2:50
Dennis Scott just said, "Doc Rivers has the confidence in his young players to run isolation plays for them." Um... does Dennis know that Gerald averaged about 8 minutes a game before the injuries? Or that Doc has absolutely no choice BUT to run iso plays for Green? RRRGGH...

2:52
Celtics assist-to-turnover ratio- 1:4. Meanwhile, Rondo is taking the ball to the rim like a CHAMPION and cuts the lead to 2.

2:53
Atlanta loves Doc Rivers. It's downright odd to hear people praising him. When was the last time you heard someone say something nice about Doc's coaching skills? Then again, Dennis Scott didn't know the names of two Celtic players and the Hawks are a dreadful franchise in a dreadful city. "Good" for the Hawks is awful for any other franchise. Listening to this reminds me of the time a twice-divorced dude paying child support for four kids from four different moms started giving me marriage advice based on the shining truths in the Sopranos.

2:58
The Celtics are playing with Telfair, Rondo, and Ray in the backcourt. Average height- shorter than the pasty dork doing this running diary.

3:00
Joe Johnson is 0-5 from the floor, while Gerald Green is 5-11 with 14 points.

3:03
Allan Ray just airmailed a three pointer- cue the 15th Ray Allen-Allan Ray joke, folks! They'll be here all afternoon!

3:04
Jefferson got punched in the face by Lorenzen Wright. Flagrant foul. Here's a picture of Wright softly humping Raef LaFrentz. What a pervert.

3:06
STOP THE PRESSES. Allan Ray hits a three. That puts him at 4-20 on the season.

HALFTIME- Hawks up 7, 47-40. It's hard to say where this game will go. Rondo has 7 points, 4 rebounds, 2 steals, and 1 block. Big Al has 11 points and 11 rebounds, but he also has 5 turnovers. Almost all of his points have come from tip-ins (he has 6 offensive rebounds). Gerald has 14 points but 3 fouls. Perkins hasn't done much of anything, and everything Powe is the subject of the sentence, the adverb "wildly" prefaces the verb. I'm hoping that Olowokandi says on the bench because whenever he's in the game, Dennis Scott mumbles "Kandi Man.... Kandi Man...." over and over again.

THIRD QUARTER
3:27
Big Al converts a 3-point play. Color commentary: "You've got to give Doc Rivers a lot of credit." For what?!? Standing there??

3:29

Telfair is 19-73 for the season on three pointers, but he just made one. Our luck is changing!

3:31
Gerald Green commits an offensive foul. 4 for the game. Doc can't get a player off the bench quickly enough, the Hawks go right at him and Joe Johnson hits a three. Our luck is changing...

3:32
Telfair hits another three. Inconceivable! 54-49 Hawks. Also, I should note that Big Al has 14 points and 13 rebounds, and the second half just started. However, he just turned the ball over for the fifth time and picked up his third foul.

3:35
Telfair hit a third three! He's making me look like an idiot!

3:36
Gomes is having one of his odd do-very-little games. He just got stuffed by Josh Smith, and his line looks like this- 4 points, 3 rebounds, 3 turnovers.

3:38
Jefferson just committed his fourth foul. I boldly predict some odd Kandi Man ramblings from Dennis Scott.

3:45
Al Jefferson gets his first decent entry pass of the game and immediately converts it. 16 points and 14 rebounds. Meanwhile, Allan Ray is 5-6 from the line, far better than his season average of 46%. Cue 16th Ray Allen joke.

3:47
Telfair puts in a nice runner in the lane. Telfair would be an excellent point guard if he improved on two areas- outside shooting and the high floater in the lane. What's Sherman Douglas up to these days? I doubt he'd turn down a check.

3:49
Five fouls on Big Al, and Doc is apparantly screaming at Leon POW. It's pronounced "PO", bitches!

3:53
Atlanta up by 10 at the end of the quarter. In my most humblest of opinions, Doc should just play Gerald and Big Al until they foul out, because they don't have any chance of winning without them on the floor. They have about half the team's points and half the team's rebounds. To be fair, they also have half of the team's turnovers.

FOURTH QUARTER

3:57
Gomes hits two free throws. Apparantly, he has been playing for the Celtics today.

3:59
Rondo puts it in to cut the lead to six. You have to give the Celtics credit, they play hard every game. That may be the ONE redeeming feature of Doc's tenure. Then again, I heard Custer's men fought hard all the time, too.

4:03
Gomes puts it in for his eighth point. On the other end, Powe draws a $$$$$ offensive foul.

4:04
Allan Ray hits a three to bring the Celtics to within three points. "Are you kidding me?" Hey, Dennis Scott, JINX!!!!

4:06
ALLAN RAY HITS ANOTHER THREE!!!! TIE BALL GAME!!!! What the hell? He is 5-8 from the field and I am the biggest dumbass on the planet.

4:08
Dennis Scott just went on a rant that somehow combined Martin Luther King Day with interior defense. Michael Richards' apology/Katrina commentary made more sense.

4:09
Gerald drains a three! Celtics take the lead for the first time since the opening minutes!

4:10
Childress converts a three-point play. Hawks by two.

4:11
Josh Smith stuffs Gomes and then Joe Johnson drains a three. Dammit. Gomes comes firing back and cuts the lead to three. I am crapping my pants!

4:12
Gomes, all of a sudden, is money. Every player I diss winds up making me look stupid. So, hoping to continue the trend, I want everyone to know that I think Gerald Green is a fairy and Jefferson sucks. I'd also like to point out that Allan Ray still is abysmal.

4:13
Sweet, Allan Ray just drew another foul. Hits the freebies, cuts the lead to 1. Excellent.

4:14
Timeout.

4:15
Zaza Pachulia is the bomb, and he never misses free throws. The Celtics should trade for him immediately, no matter what the cost. I would trade Gerald and Big Al for Zaza.

4:16
Dammit. Didn't work. Zaza hits them both. I have heard from the highest authority that he squats in pickle fields.

4:19
Allan Ray is taking the game over. Still, I am not convinced he is any good at all.

4:20
Kandi Man is nowhere to be found.

4:21
Josh Smith has a jam to extend the lead to five. Timeout Doc Rivers. I hope the players aren't paying attention.

4:22
GERALD DRAINS A THREE. Doc Rivers drew up a "excellent play", but I'll believe it when I see it. Hawks by 2.

4:23
Gomes dribbles off his knee and screws up a 2-on-1. Celtics have a foul to give. Hawks' ball, 98-96.

4:25
JEFFERSON BLOCK. Green goes up for the shot, BLOCKED. Three seconds left, and the Celtics have a foul to give. Shit shit shit.

4:26
"Marvin Williams, 3-12, but effective." Did they really just say that?

4:27
Zaza is going to shoot 2 with 2.1 seconds left. Makes the first.... Makes the second. Damn that bastard.

Rondo inbounds, stolen... DAMMIT.

This one is over. 100-96, Hawks.

Alright, so this was an irritating loss to say the least. The Hawks are terrible. However, Josh Smith saved the game for the Hawks with his 7 blocks. The Celtics could have won this one.

MVP: Gotta give this to my new homeboy, Allan Ray!! I've always loved his game except for the times that I hated it. 22 points is a big upgrade over his usual 3.

Honorable Mention: Rondo. 9 points (poor shooting, 3-11), 8 assists, 7 rebounds, 3 steals, 1 block, and no turnovers. I HEART RONDO.

LVP: Perkins. I love him, we all love him, but he didn't even ATTEMPT a shot today. "Raw" offensively becomes "completely inept" at a certain point, doesn't it?

Doc's Grade: To hear the Atlanta announcers talk about him, he's a coach of the year candidate. However, I can't bash him too much today because if I had been coaching Allan Ray never would have gotten off the bench and Gerald Green would have fouled out in the first half. So, I'll give him a B+ today.

Ref's Grade: I didn't watch, but I am going to guess they sucked. F triple minus.

UP NEXT:
Celtics at home Friday against the Kings. The C's should have some players back. There's no way they will lose.