CELTICS LOSE! CELTICS LOSE!

The Celtics travelled to the hellhole known as Indianapolis tonight to do battle with the Indiana Pacers. It is a sad day. Is it because the Celtics are amid an 11-game losing streak? Is it because the Celtics are so desperate that they are excited about a 19% chance of landing the top pick in the draft lottery? No... it's because Stephen Jackson has been traded to the Golden State Warriors, who has always been one of our favorites. So, the photoshops of Jackson shooting people or beating up stockbrokers will only happen once or twice a season. Sigh....

Replacing Jackson's crazy ass are two white dudes that are slow both in terms of footspeed and mental capacity. Troy Murphy, to his credit, has almost averaged a double-double since coming over. However, Mike Dunleavy is a disaster. Example: he committed two fouls in the first 20 seconds of the game tonight. As a matter of fact, since I am writing this as the game is going on, I can't help but compare him to our own Brian Scalabrine. They both supposedly do the "little things". They're both criticized for being overpaid. And, most glaring, they are two of the pastiest bastards you'll ever see on a basketball court.

However, Scalabrine makes $15 million over 5 years, which is barely above the veteran minimum. Dunleavy makes- get this- $45 million over 5 years. Mind-boggling! He's tall, and although his biceps are alarming in a Carrot-Top-As-A-Bodybuilder kind of way, but women open presents at baby showers with more tenacity than he shows on the court. Watching Dunleavy tonight makes me appreciate Scals so much more. At least Scals TRIES... and at least he doesn't look like his face is melting. He just looks like his head is on fire.

However, no matter how many whities the Pacers stick in their starting lineup, beating the Celtics is easier than Lindsay Lohan.... and Lindsay Lohan is a slampig by which all other slampigs are judged. As I type this, the Pacers have a 20-point lead in the fourth, Delonte is nowhere to be seen because he is busy puking all over the locker room, Gerald Green is putting up Mike Dunleavy numbers, Perkins is lumbering around like Frankenstein, Wally (2-11) is shooting like Sebastian Telfair (0-4). Literally the only player for the Celtics that looks good is Big Al, while Gomes and Rondo look decent. If the Celtics were a racehorse, they would have been shot about two weeks ago.

This is the first game I have watched this season where it would be impossible NOT to say, "This team is a disaster." I almost shot myself in the face when I said to myself, "Good gravy, Doc, can you PLEASE get the Kandi Man in there?" This was after I watched Perk move with the speed and agility of a Civil War submarine. Kandi was 4-7 from the field, but plays defense like he's in a prison yard and his man stole his cigarettes. At least that is amusing... watching Telfair pout like a puppy that just got his testicles removed just makes me angry.

On to the superlatives!

Chairman of the Board: Al Jefferson. As of right now, he has 15 points and 17 boards. Yet, the team has yet to deny rumors that they're shopping him for Broken Feet Gasol. Message to Danny: HE'S THE BEST PLAYER ON THE GODDAMN TEAM!!! HE'S ALL YOU'VE GOT!!!!

LVP: Leon Powe. He played for two minutes and he didn't accomplish anything. Zeroes across the board.

Doc's Suit: It probably sucked, but I can't remember it because I have a migraine after watching his team.

Doc's Grade: B
What can he do at this point? The Celtics are the fluffer of the NBA.

Ref's Grade: A++++
For some weird reason, the Celtics were getting all kinds of outrageous calls in their favor tonight. See that picture at the top? That was called a foul on O'Neal, and you have permission to shoot me in the face if I am lying. Yessir, can't complain about the refs tonight.

Scalabrine Watch: 19th highest scorer on the floor tonight... not too shabby. He was also tied for second on the team in personal fouls (4).

UP NEXT: Tomorrow night at home against the Lakers... Celtics are 4-17 at home... Kobe will be pissed... this one could get ugly fast... FOR THE LAKERS. Celtics win this one easily and start a 20-game winning streak.