The Award for Most Psychotic NBA Couple: THE KIDDS!!!!

Yes, Antonio Davis' wife might be a drunken hooligan. Yes, Kobe Bryant bought his wife a huge ring after having, um, "rough sex" with a teenager. Yes, when Doug Christie poops his wife hands him the toilet paper. However, nothing, and I mean NOTHING... comes CLOSE to the Kidds.

Quick recap- Jason punched Jourmana in the face in a french fry dispute in 2001. Jourmana whores herself and her devil baby to the cameras when the Celtics play the Nets in 2002... Bob Ryan says he wants to smack her... JKidd rushes to her defense blowing kisses before free throws the whole time... then BANG! Divorce. Now, Kidd had accused Jourmana of spousal abuse. We have been waiting for Jourmana's response... anticipating outed gay people, wild accusations... and here it is! Thanks, Smoking Gun! Now, we've read through the entire grisly document and we have a little "cheat sheet" for y'all to chatter about. Now, keep in mind that this is probably the most depressing 27 pages ever written, so it's probably a better idea to leave the reading and analysis to the professionals... i.e. me.

The first two pages of the document basically go over the legal jargon, but on Page 3 we get details on JKidd's sweet bait-and-switch, or, as I like to call it, "tell your wife you're getting counciling and then have the authorities show up and take her out of the house with a police escort". Classy! We also learn of some of Jourmana's "abuse" of Jason- throwing a TV remote at him.

Page 4- this marks the first time that I feel dirty reading the document, and there are 25 pages to go! We basically learn here that Jourmana called the cops, like, a million times. In the list of things that compose a good marriage- saying "I love you", sharing household responsibilities, being financially responsible- I don't think "calling the cops whenever you feel physically threatened" makes an appearance.

Page 5- I call this the "Daddy's Girlfriend" page. Yamma hamma.

Page 6- This is a juicy page- the "secret cell phone" part. We all know that NBAers have different cell phones to get in touch with their ho's in different area codes. Jourmana claims that she was looking for JKidd's car keys and found a phone with all kinds of pictures of half-naked random chicks and sexually explicit material. Here's an interesting part of it, "(Jourmana) denies she shouted personal insults at (Kidd) during the game" but then again, she does admit to approaching the bench and asking, "Papa Bear? Is she pregnant?" I can only imagine how awkward that must have been for everyone involved. The most awkward situation the I*Heart*Celtics staff has had to deal with was when Nic2Hotty was delivered an "ants on a log" from an admiring fan during an I*Heart*Celtics podcast, calling his commitment to the cause into question.

Page 7- This page is too insane to put in to words. Basically, the Kidds trade "you're sleeping with sportswriters" accusations, Jourmana admits to blocking Jason's car like she was in Tiananmen Square, and then tells a story about JKidd speeding down the road with her clinging to the bumper... IN FRONT OF THE MAIDS.

Page 8- Enter the tracking device! Apparantly, because JKidd was basically screwing anything with a pulse, Jourmana put the tracking device on his car.

Page 9- Money stuff... money stuff... Jason Kidd was in $4 million dollars of debt when he first got married.... WHAT?!

Page 10-Jargon..

Page 11- This is where the detailing of the physical abuse starts. I have to admit, it's hard to make jokes about spousal abuse... especially "extreme cruelty" as described here. However, I will take this time to point out that Jason Kidd looks like the supervampire from Blade 2 so it doesn't surprise me in the least.

Page 12- Ah... the classic white trash move- throwing your underwear-clad wife out of the house and locking the door- while you have houseguests. Nothing says "vacation" quite like your hostess desperately banging on your window in a nightgown at 3am while your host lumbers around stinking of moonshine and body odor!

Page 13- Here is where the physical abuse is described in detail. For those of you who feel terrible about yourselves reading these documents- I call you "compassionate human beings"- I'll spare you the details and just say that it involves, fists, "across the room", stairs, and a baseball bat.

Page 14- More of the same... golf club, windshield, death threats, hanging, and a belt...

Page 15- Easily the funniest page of the document so far. Apparantly, on a flight, Jason Kidd through a cookie "frisbee style" Jourmana, cutting her lip. Then, get this- HE BLAMED HIS SON. This is the first time I have ever heard of spousal abuse getting pinned on a two-year-old.

Page 16- Um... don't read this one.

Page 17- This is the fake "I'm a Christian now!" chapter of the sordid tale. Kidd apologizes for the constant beatings, admits he has been banging scores of women on the side, and commits himself to Christianity. If the over/under on how many days it will take for Kidd to relapse was set at 2, I'd take the under.

Page 18- If women getting kicked in the stomach so hard they pee blood is bothersome to you, skip this page.

Pagae 19- Here's the easy four-step guide to a nice evening with the missus. Step 1: Instigate messy argument. Step 2: Throw a rock at your wife. Step 3: Take a nap. Step 4: Sneak out of the house through bathroom window.

Page 20- This page is amusing simply because the legal jargon is slowly breaking down. I like the fact that Kidd once "randomly apologized" for being an abusive husband. It's also a nice manuever that Jourmana's lawyers detail all the ridiculous abusive crap Kidd has done over the years and THEN describe how Kidd tried to get a restraining order against his wife. I think Kidd is being represented by Barry Zuckercorn.

Page 21- Oh... Kidd tries to pull out the $585,000 "I'm sorry" pink diamond after his affair with Petra is discovered. Now, if he had gone Kobe-style and plopped $4million, it would have been ok, but a measly five hundred grand is weeeeeak. So, instead of taking the cash and shutting up, Jourmana had chest pains and had to go to the hospital.

Page 22- "To this day, [Jourmana] questions [Kidd] has fathered children out of wedlock during the parties' marriage." Man, you know your marriage sucks when no one can even put a number on how many bastard children he has sired during your marriage.

Page 23- Here we move from itemized abuse "Z" to "AA". Hoo boy. Here we learn that Kidd has somewhat of a golf habit- the tune of 72 holes in a single day. Isn't that, like, 12 straight hours of golf?!? I hate this guy, like, SO MUCH.

Page 24- This is the part where Kidd goes gambling with strippers until 7am, comes home stinking drunk, and insists on driving the kids to school.

Page 25-27- Here's where Jourmana goes for the money grab- because there probably isn't much left thanks to all the gambling, and given Kidd's complete disregard for his illigitimate children it will be an uphill battle. I have to say that I am on Jourmana's side on this one, and under the assumption that 1% of the events described in this document are true, not only is Kidd a total and complete asshole, I can virtually guarantee that he he is going to get buttslammed by a horde of angry demons for his shenanigans.