D-West's Girlfriend Goes Bats, Chokes Delonte, Cuts Wrists!

The Boston Herald Reports:

A night of post-game partying turned ugly for Boston Celtics point guard Delonte West when his live-in girlfriend allegedly choked and bit him and tried to slash her own wrists with shards of glass because he dumped her.

Read the entire story here. Commentary by I*Heart*Celtics staff below...

BP's Take:
Clearly, DWest made the right decision to end this relationship. Many women have the "crazy gene", but apparantly being in a relationship with an NBA player makes that gene mutate into a full-on, "24/7 batshit insanity gene".

Taylor told police she wasn’t trying to kill herself but was cutting herself to show West she wasn’t “(expletive) around” about their relationship. She said she was angry because West’s friends and family had been staying with them and were “picking on her.”

Now, I commiserate with the lady because who doesn't love DWest? He's got sweet moves, killer style, fly tatts, and he's a cuddlemuffin to boot. However, I don't think that this woman in question went about expressing her desire to stay in the relationship correctly. The "attack the special someone's sister, get liquored up, slash your wrists, and bite the special someone" is a little over the top.

When I*Heart*Celtics staff members want to show that they aren't "(expletive) around" about a relationship, they do the logical thing. They turn off the Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend DVD before making sweet love. We advise that our readers do the same instead of biting people in a drunken rage.

Props to DWest for dropping the relationship like a hot rock covered with poop, and we'd like to make it known that if he needs somebody to "be there" for him, we'll drive like Orien Greene to get there.

Sullivan's Take:

We could easily attribute this disatrous breakup to the curse of the red-heads, but then again, Delonte's days at St. Joe's were not exactly spent establishing positive male-female relationship karma. Yes, it seems that D-West's alleged deviance has come back to haunt him in the form of Caryn Taylor, hereforward referred to as the Delonte-Bitin'-Hoe.

As a red-headed rising star in the league, Delonte is going to have to figure out how to keep his hoes under control and his bitties from bitin' him. Since he is busy right now scoring points on the Celtics' current West Coas' road trip, I have put together a little list of tips for keeping the ladies in line when he comes home.

The First Step in doing this is making sure your girl doesn't bite you. Unless you like sporting hickies to work or are into vampires, biting needs to be kept to minimum. To avoid this, I suggest keeping all limbs away from the mouths of pyschotic shorties who recently tried to choke you.

Step two is not inviting your girlfriend to come live with your family. Even though Delonte admitted in his infamous Valentine's Day column that the Delonte Motel often has vacancy, he probably should not have filled the vacancy with a woman that has the mindset of a meth addict and doesn't even have a phone number.

If you happen to have a crazy girlfriend who likes to fight, Step Three is picking the right bar to bring her to. For instance, maybe bring her somewhere low-key, with expensive drinks to keep your alcohol intake in check, but at the same time guarenteeing a classy and enjoyable atmosphere. This is where Delonte went horribly, horribly, wrong. Oblivious to the catastrophe waiting behind the birch-tree lined bars of The District, Delonte brought his suicidal, flesh-eating arm candy to said bar, described on its website as "unique and agressive...with a hint of dangerous sensuality". Dios Mio Delonte, you were askin' for it.You are lucky you got away with just being strangled.

And last but not least, Step Four is to make sure that if your girlfriend chokes you, make sure she doesn't keep the key to your apartment. If not, she will probably break your mirror, and then you won't be able to look at yourself while you are brushing your teeth.

As long as Delonte follows these steps, surely he won't be stuck in such an ugly predicament. Although as I said before, this instance may have just been karma. Whatever it is Delonte, we still heart you. And if that phoneless Delonte-Bitin'-Hoe shows up in our neck of the woods, you better believe she won't have time to choke it.