Keon Watch

Well, the lovable modern-day Fallstaff Keon Clark has gotten his long-armed, skinny-legged self in trouble again. For those of you who haven't followed Neon Keon's second career, here is a brief timeline.

Summer 2001 - In a move that could at best be described as "dubious" or "shady as all hell", "Clark inexplicably fired his two NBA veteran agents, one of whom lived in Denver and kept close tabs on Keon, and equally puzzlingly, hired a childhood friend who had become a personal banker back in Danville, with zero experience representing professional players of any sort, let alone negotiating any form of personal services contracts."

Analysis: As crazy as this sounds, its not too different from what Kendrick Perkins did when he hired "a friend" as a personal secretary. One lawsuit later, their friendship has been strained. Lesson: Money and blood/friendship don't mix.

July 2002 - Clark is booked for marijuana posession, gun posession.

Analysis: In what has become known among law-enforcement circles as "the Telfair offense", driving around with a loaded gun and weed has become about as common in the NBA as David Stern acting like a smug asshole and alluding to the "global appeal" of the NBA during interviews. BORING! Come on Keon, you can do better than that!

2005 - From the Toronto Star: "since his black 2003 Mercedes Benz was seized (and sold on eBay) by the authorities, the 6-foot-9 beanpole has taken to riding a motor scooter around town, which makes him hard to miss."

Analysis: Hard to miss indeed. This technically is not a crime, but certainly would indicate the mental deterioration of a man who is 6'10" and has millions of dollars. Which leads us to the fateful night of:

March 8, 2007 - Pissed that the cops impounded his car, Keon finds it parked in a parking lot, and proceeds to scratch the paint off of it. As the Commercial News of Danville, IL points out, "[this] charge was the second felony charge of the day for Clark, who also was charged with aggravated driving after a suspended license. He is accused of driving following suspension convictions in 2005 and 2006."

Analysis: Passive agressive? More like daft but impressive. This guy is insane. But just to drive home the point, Keon decided to take a gin-soaked joyride to IHOP last week:

May 17, 2007 - After downing a bottle of gin, Keon (naturally) drives his motorcycle to IHOP. There he trips over a mop bucket. Angry with the inanimate object, the 5.9 career average rebounder gets in a fight with the manager, who calls the cops. The cops arrive to find him next door, swaying around with bloodshot eyes. They confiscate the bike, and send him to a hotel, which is full. He returns to the IHOP and tries to fight the tow-truck driver because he won't give him his motorcycle back.

Analysis: Like his forefather Eddie Griffin found out(see I Heart Celtics top 16 NBA crimes of the year, number 1), getting drunk and destructive + driving your vehicle around a parking lot = T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In Keon's defense, there is no indication he was watching anal action during any of his felonies.

Verdict: Compared to the outrageous things that currently-employed NBA players do, Clark's transgressions are mild (see Zack Randolph, Ron Artest, and the aforementioned Eddie Griffin). Sadly, once you leave the league, you also leave behind the NBA immunity. Too bad nobody told Keon. I guess Robert Traylor must have misplaced his phone number.