Celtics Summer Reading List!

The NBA season is out for summer vacation, and the Celtics players have a lot on their plate. Brian Scalabrine needs to watch his weight, because Doc Rivers says that if he weighs more than his Isuzu Amigo come training camp, he will only play 30 minutes a game during the season. Tony Allen has rehab, and so does Vin Baker. However, we all know what the summer is really for- reading! Our I*Heart*Celtics investigatory journalists dug up the summer reading lists for our favorite players. If you want to buy the books, we have linked them to Amazon.com. (Note to Amazon.com, we're assuming that the check is in the mail, ok?)

Delonte - May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault Awareness - This summer will be one of learning for Delonte, who until now lived by the code "no means yes and yes means anal." This indispensible text on sexual etiquette will keep Delonte company on those lonely nights, and teach him the important lesson that, more often than not, women are lookin' for more than Jim Jones and Popeye's biscuits.

Scal - Chili's Menu - Nothing whets the Veal's appetite for summer reading like the Big Mouth Burger Menu from Chili's in Deadham. The laminated design is perfect for the on-the-go bookworm, especially for one as prone to spilling his juicy-juice as Scals. Considering Scal read his Olive Garden Bottomless Pasta Bowl Menu out loud so many times that his Scansoft Dragon Voice Recognition Software has learned Italian, I'm sure the Chili's menu will get some great reading mileage this summer.


G Green -
What's happening to me? A Guide to Puberty - We all know puberty can be a tough time.This is why we have to help out our favorite high-flying-hormonal highlight reel understand the strange feelings he gets every time the Celtics dancers take the floor. It's called pity Gerald.

Wally -

The Hunk and the Virgin - Based on the cover of this book, I am guessing the knee-weakening eye candy in the denim shirt and khaki pants is the titular "Hunk", but I can't decide whether "The Virgin" is the butter-face with the Jheri Curl or the golden retriever. It's questions like these that have led Wally and the entire I Heart Celtics to spend many sleepless nights curled up with this page-turner.

PP - Get Me Out of Here: Exit Strategies for Any Occasion Trade rumors or no trade rumors, Paul Pierce can't be very happy.

Pittsnogle - Phonemic Awareness: Playing With Sounds to Strengthen Beginning Reading Skills and Sleeping with Random Beasts - Since he's grown tired of having to take off his jersey and copy down his last name from the back of it every time he signs an autograph after a Pittsburgh Xplosion [sic] CBA basketball game, this summer our favorite snaggle-toothed sharpshooter decided to learn how to read. After about 10 minutes of trying to read the words on front cover, Pittsnogle broke down to tears, angry that the squirrel portrayed whispering answers into the little boys ear didn't show up to help him.

Dejected, Pittsnogle picked up a book on tape copy of "Sleeping with Random Beasts" only to find out it wasn't a beastiality porn. And thats the story of Kevin Pittsnogle and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

Doc Rivers - The Complete Idiot's Guide to Coaching Youth Basketball Obvious joke, maybe. But this guy could actually use it. He has been in the NBA coaching for 8 seasons, and he averages a staggering 34 wins per season. Why the hell do people keep giving him more chances?

Ainge - Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts This one will come in especially handy after Ainge makes another Telfairian debacle of a transaction this summer. You know its going to happen. Actually, the Celtics might as well purchase a copy for every member of the front office in the past 15 years.

Telfair - Boston's Gun Bible and Thank God I Had a Gun: Tales of Self-Defense

Telfair has always loved Jesus, and he also loves firearms. So why divide his time between the two, when he could combine the Bible and his beloved Baretta in one volume? Not to mention Boston T. Party, the perennial Nobel Prize-snub (actually a Wyoming-seperatist and anti-gun-control movement)is the scribe! Better hope Fabolous doesn't steal your reading glasses Bassie!

Telfair can also relate to the second selection on his reading list this summer, as he has had to defend himself against some formidle forces of evil in the past:

February 15, 2006 - Telfair succesfully defends himself against airport security and the threat of an in-flight movie when he attempts to bring a gun in a pillowcase on to the Blazer's Charter flight near Boston. Thank god he had a gun.

April 20, 2007 (Yes Kandi-Man, that's 420) - Telfair succesfully defends himself against driving within 32 miles per hour of the posted speed limit on the Bronx River Parkway by doing 77 in a 45-zone carrying a loaded pistol under the passenger seat of his car. Thank god he had a gun.

Tony Allen - Is There a Problem, Officer? - After dodging a bullet getting off scot-free on his assault case, Tony has decided to brush up on the basics of law abiding and handling the constant nagging of police officers. Although Tony is more likely going to take the law into his own hands a la Steven Seagal than wait for the 5-0 to show up.

Perk - Swamp Thing: Spontaneous Generation - Spontaneous generation is exactly what the Celtics need from Perk this year. Although he may be hulking, he can come out of nowhere to generate boards, ruff up Anderson Veraejao, and block some shots. He has also emerged spontaneously as the guy who calls out all of his teammates to urge them to play harder, for better or for worse (see #1 funniest moment)...

Rondo - Clifford's Neighborhood (oversized Lift-the-flap) - No, Rondo is not illiterate. Rondo's problem is that the average book is way to small for his freakishly large hands. Consequently, Kevin Pittsnoggle recommended this oversized, lift-the-flap book from his "maybe when I'm older" book shelf, about Clifford the Big Red Dog. It still looks like a pocket dictionary in Rondo's hands.

Chris Herren - Fall River Dreams and How To Set Up A Pogo Sticks Online Store And Get Paid - Nostalgic for his pre-Crashing into a Dunkin' Donuts at 3AM with heroin in the back seat days, Herron decided to brush off his copy of Fall River Dreams this summer. Herren is taking a look back to the good old days, when he was a "prima donna whose laziness and insouciance not only prevented him from reaching his fullest potential, but undermined the efforts of the entire coaching staff and supporters, and generally created an atmosphere of discomfort and tension" says one reviewer of the book.

After realizing, like the reviewer, that the book does not portray him in a positive light, Herren decides to be more productive by starting an online pogo-stick business. No word yet on whether Kedrick Brown is for sale.

Joe Forte - Scooby Doo Apparel Catalogue (online) - When he's not buying pogo sticks from Chris Herren or stabbing people in pick-up games, Joe Forte can usually be found purchasing Scooby Doo apparel, a hobby he has enjoyed since the 2004 playoffs.

And, as a special bonus, we bring you the reading lists of some random non-Celtics-related players!

Greg Oden- Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking, Relativity: The Special and General Theory by Albert Einstein, and Xenophon's Socrates by Leo Strauss. Basically, Odie wants to catch up on all the reading he couldn't get around to during his rigorous History of Rock & Roll/Sociology 6 credit hour courseload during the last year. This self-proclaimed "genius" has purchased all of these books for his summer reading. Instead of reading them, we suspect that he will lie out by Josh McRoberts' parents' pool, leaf through one and just stack the rest of them by his beach chair. This will impress John McRoberts' mom, which will make Mike Conley Jr. jealous.

Scottie Pippen- Getting Yours: The Complete Guide to Government Money, Vol. 3
by Matthew Lesko, a.k.a. "the crazy guy in the question mark suit that scams the government for money." You wouldn't think that Scottie Pippen could read given his horrendous cue card performances whenever he goes on TV, but he can, to some degree. Anyway, this is a perfect book for Scottie "Mutant Horse Face" Pippen, who cashed in on $289,000 worth of farm subsidies this year. Thanks, taxpayers! In a related story, just moments ago, he demanded that his 17-year-old pizza delivery boy give him change for a $20 after getting $19.89 worth of food delivered to his 20,000 square foot house. Keep on rockin', Mr. Ed.