That Makes Two!

CELTICS WIN THEIR SECOND IN THE ROW; I*HEART*CELTICS CELEBRATES BY POSTING MOST DISTURBING "EDDY CURRY IS FAT" PHOTOSHOP OF ALL-TIME First of all, anyone who bitches about how the Celtics blew a 23-point lead only to squeak it out at the end... can't you just abandon ship and root for the Lakers or something? I know this backlash is coming.

For those of you who didn't watch the game, the Celtics were dominating in the first half, then sputtered in the third to allow the Knicks to take the lead once or twice, then rode Big Al and Pierce down the stretch to pull away in the fourth.

Let's not screw around.

MVP: Al Jefferson. He was a beast. 26 points, 9 rebounds, 5 assists, and 2 blocks. He was passing out of the block better than I have ever seen him do it before. I love it. He also drained a clutch 18-foot jumper with a hand in his face. He was scoring at will down the stretch, with 9 points in the fourth quarter. However, Pierce and G deserved consideration. Pierce was money down the stretch and G was draining threes when the Celtics could buy a basket in the third quarter.

LVP: Leon Powe. After getting a couple starts, Doc went to an 8-man rotation(!!!) and Powe didn't play a minute.

Scal Watch: He had 14 points on 4-9 shooting from downtown, and he also had three blocks. I checked in on this one- 80 out of Scals's 145 FG attempts this season have come from three-point range.

WTF Award: Wally is having season-ending surgery after having one of the most useless seasons in NBA history. At least he's still good to look at?

Wha happen? Award: Ryan Gomes. 7 points and 2 rebounds... not bad. However, he seems to be caught in first gear in terms of development. He should be KILLING people with his size or his speed depending on the matchup.

Best boxscore Award: Rondo. He had 4 points, 8 assists, and 9 rebounds.

Best Goaltending: Rajon Rondo committed goaltending. If a point guard has ever done that before, let me know, because I was blown away. The dude is 6 feet tall! DAMN I love him.

UP NEXT: Nets on Saturday.

Mad Max: BP's Got Your Back!

Cedric Maxwell will apologize tonight for telling Violet Palmer to "get back in the kitchen" the other night. I'm not going to speak for all of I*Heart*Celtics here, but I agreed with Mad Max. When he told her to get in the kitchen, I said, "Quack, quack, QUAAAAAAACK!!"

Jordan had the fadeaway. Kareem had the skyhook. Iverson has the crossover. Andrew DeClercq had the two-handed half-hook. Violet Palmer has the horrendous call.

First and foremost, Maxwell was clearly joking. Any dummy who has listened to more than five minutes of one broadcast would know that he was joking. He said it in his Tommy Heinsohn voice. Plus, he doesn't want her to "Go (into the kitchen) and make me some bacon and eggs, would you?"

A wise sage such as Cornbread Maxwell would never trust Palmer to make bacon and eggs. From my experience of her as a referee, she either ignores blatant fouls or calls ticky-tack fouls. She would probably let the bacon burn to a crisp and then call a flagrant foul on the frying pan. A meal prepared by Violet Palmer would taste like charcoal warmed up in the microwave covered in poop sauce.

Second, he's right. She is a terrible, terrible referee. We all know it. Yeah, yeah, Grandy was saying that she was good, blah blah blah...

You look like a dick (and you may well be one) if you complain about her because she such a minority, but it's the truth. The reason why David Stern hasn't canned her yet, is because... well... he never cans his refs! That's why the game is so irritating to watch! The refs are light-years behind the players.

I don't blame Violet. She tries her best. She's just in over her head, not because she's a woman, but because she sucks. She is probably under greater scrutiny than her male counterparts, but when she's on the team you know the game will either resemble a no-contact scrimmage or a prison yard. It could change from quarter to quarter. You never know! There's zero consistancy with Violet at the helm. Maybe it's hormonal. ZING!

However, the real reason this "controversy" pisses me off is because some jackass from UniversalHub.com started it with some self-righteous rant about how offensive the comments are. Now, if you want a good time, read the comments after the post- what a debacle!

This dummy at UniversalHub doesn't know sh*t about the Celtics, refs, or anything. He describes himself as a "Bicyclist". He just hears Max make a joke, whines, and the next thing you know the HERALD picks up a BLOG and quotes it in an article, forcing an apology from Max. Of all the things that should prompt outrage related to the Celtics- botched trades, the dance team, abysmal coaching, having the team poison tester drive injured teammates the hospital... this?? We have Mad Max making an obvious joke, clearly imitating Tommy Heinsohn, and he gets ripped.

So this is a message to the joker running UniversalHub. You're a pansy-ass sensitive dork. Go ride your little tandem bicycle with your mom and leave the Celtics talk to the REAL MEN!

Bring on the Knicks

The Celtics have a shot at their first win streak since they won 5 in a row in early December tonight at the TDBNG when they take on the Jamal Crawford-less and possibly David Lee-less Knickerbockers. Minus the help of Crawford, the Knicks most streaky scorer, and Lee, the Knicks only consistant player, the Celtics have a realistic shot at taking this one - and they should.

The key matchup will likely come down to that of Big Al and Eddy Curry, both of whom have been playing well lately in terms of numbers, yet are still trying to solidify themselves as true offensive threats. I have seen both of these centers play a good deal, and while Curry has garnered a good deal of buzz recently (especially ocming off a 28 point performance against Shaq), I feel that Al has the advantage of being multi-dimensional, something Curry most certainly is not. Curry's offense has him on the verge of the 20 ppg plateau, but come on, the guy is 6'11" and weighs like 285 lbs. and stands under the basket all game. It's not really that hard to do that (and don't get me wrong, I do like Curry and want him to do well). But watch this guy on the defensive end and its like watching George W. defend his use of torture to Matt Lauer. In other words, its basically the worst, most illogically pathetic defense I've ever seen.

Curry is the worst rebounding 7-footer in the league. Again let me reiterate, I like Eddy, its just he has no rebounding instinct. According to his stats he still grabs 7 per game, but as I mentioned before, this is because he sits under the basket the entire game, and apparently 7 times a game, the ball happens to bounce into his hands. Plus he gets lots of his own rebounds on missed lay-ups and hooks.

Big Al on the other hand has developed nicely on the defensive end. He's one of those rare players that can score points AND grab rebounds deep into the teens - making those otherwise boring boxscores look so nice. Just look at his last couple of games: 16 and 17, 12 and 13, 23 and 17, 15 and 15. I love when players grab more rebounds than points...and STILL score 16 points! He doesn't squeak out these rinky-dink double doubles J-Kidd style, he chases 20 and 20 every night. Love it. Even though stats don't win games or make a good player, Jefferson's numbers are indicative of his involvement in every play while he is on the floor, which is a must for a true big man and a FIRST for a Celtics' big man in 20 years. With David Lee out and Curry's feet glued to the floor, look for Al to dominate the boards.

Other players the Celtics need to lock down tonight are Stephon Marbury, who has been shooting well and playing with purpopse for the last three games or so, and Quentin Richardson, who surely will be looking for more shots in the absence of Crawford, who was averaging over 15 shots a game. Marbury will try harder in front of cousin Basti and is finally starting to realize that he actually is a lot better than he has played for the last 2 years. Richardson is the type of guy that could kill the Celtics because of his awkward size, his 3-point shooting (very good for a man who used to be engaged to Brandy), and his knack for rebounding.

Either way, both of these teams are streaky, and either team could win this game. If Al can give us 15 and 12, Pierce chips in 25 on SOLID SHOOTING, and Gomes can snap out of his funk, the Celtics will be a hard match-up for the Knicks. I say start Rondo on Marbury to keep them from getting out to a fast start, Get the ball into Jefferson down low to get the defensively immoble Curry in foul trouble, keep Pierce on the perimiter on Q, and that way Pierce will keep his legs under him (Q doesn't really run around a lot off the ball until a shot goes up). Keep Scals/Perk to double down on Curry (who on the offensive end definately warrants a double) and spread out the fouls on Curry (Curry shoots free throws worse than Hellen Keller) and the Celtics should be looking at a, drumroll please, two-game win streak.

Prediction: Celtics 91, Knicks 86, Holla

CELTICS! F*CK YEAH!!

CELTICS BATTLE THROUGH ONE OF THE MOST HIDEOUS GAMES OF ALL-TIME; EMERGE VICTORIOUS

I am a proud man for enduring this game tonight, because it put the rediggitidydonk in rediggitidydonkulous. The Celtics scored 27 points in the first HALF- and needed a 10-2 run in the final minutes to get there. Midway through the second period, the Celtics had 14 points on the board. Luckily, the Rockets weren't exactly setting the nets on fire either, and the Celtics were able to hang around through three quarters and then LAY THE HAMMER DOWN in the fourth.

The game got off to a weird start with Leon Powe AND Brian Scalabrine in the starting lineup. Now, conventional wisdom is that those two are the worst players on the team. However, Doc once again demonstrated that he knows what he's doing as the two Twelfth Man Titans combined for 4 points on 1-7 shooting, 5 rebounds, 3 turnovers and 5 fouls in 27 minutes of action. Irritated that Gomes didn't get the start? Well, he got even by angrily committing a foul nearly every time the ball came near him. Irritated that Gerald didn't get the start over Scals? Well, he went 0-6. It's hard to come down too hard on those two, however, when you consider this statistic. Shane Battier, Skip 2 My Lou, and Luther Head went a combined 5-34 from the field. Also, the two teams combined for 35 turnovers, and I'm pretty sure 33 of them were travelling violations. The first three quarters looked like it was played by epilepsy patients tripping on acid.

If you fell asleep or put yourself out of your misery with a shotgun to the face, you actually missed a sweet fourth quarter. The Celtics sobered up and put the hammer down. Pierce took over down the stretch, which felt like arriving home after a long and arduous journey. Delonte put a game-ending swat on Juwan Howard that would have made Ike Turner proud and the Celtics had their 14th win of the season.

This game sends a message to all the dumbass haters out there who claim that the Celtics are tanking the season. Hey bitches, the Celtics were playing Houston ON THE ROAD at the END OF A ROAD TRIP when the Rockets DIDN'T HAVE THEIR BEST TWO PLAYERS, scored 27 POINTS IN THE ENTIRE FIRST HALF, and still battled to win down the stretch. This team doesn't tank for NO-body. They could have lost this game easily.

With that out of the way, let's move on to the superlatives.

MVPierce- the Truth... good to have you back, buddy.

LVP: Kandi Man was in the running, but he at least managed to foul somebody in 5 minutes of action. John Lucas and Steve Novak entered the game but didn't even get to put a "1" in the "minutes played" column. That sucks.

Time Machine Award: I was pretending that Mutumbo was still good while watching Al take him apart.

Stop Shaving Your Head Award: Shane Battier. Your game is nice, but your skull is shaped like a bicycle helmet.

Start Shaving Your Head Award: Jeff Van Gollum. Put those pathetic wisps out of their misery, Smiegel.

WTF Award: Doc starting Powe and then playing him for 3 minutes. THAT'S PERK'S JOB, DOC!!

UP NEXT: Wednesday on the road against the KNICKS.

What To Do With Your Celtics Tickets???

Now that the all-star break is over and the Celtics embark on yet another record breaking losing streak, the Celtics season can be officially deemed a disaster. Soon no one will want to talk about the Celtics, no one will want to hear about the Celtics, and no one in hell will actually want to go see the Celtics. The problem is there are a lot of naive fans out there who believed in this team and bought tickets in advance. What could they possibly do with them now? Luckily, this problem has already been solved by the players themselves. Players get tickets to every game for their friends and family. Knowing they were going to tank well before the fans, they've already found creative ways to use their tickets so that they don't go to waste.
WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR CELTICS TICKETS??

- Everyone knows Wally Szerbiakis a class act and supports several charities in the Boston area. To continue his charity work, Wally decided to give his tickets away to the less fortunate.



-Doc Rivers takes a lot of the credit for killing this once beloved franchise. The team has gotten consistantly worse since he's been here and as a result he has become increaseingly hated in Boston. As a reuslt, Doc decided to use his tickets in a very practical way, and craft a disguise out of them.



- Bassy decided to use his tickets to clean up a mess he made.



- Brian Scalabrine decided to use his tickets to clean up a mess he made.



- Delonte was kind enough to give his tickets to his girlfriend. Unfortunently she used them to try and cut her wrists. When that didn't work she just attacked him using them to paper cut his face.



- The Kandi man has been using his tickets to smoke some crack.



- As the captain, Paul Pierce has been using his tickets to help better communicate with GM Danny Ainge.

Pierce Plays GM; I*Heart*Celtics Make Demands

The Celtics are clearly the worst team in the league, there isn't a winnable game in sight, the trade deadline has passed, and the draft is months away. Paul Pierce has been vocal lately about addressing the team's needs, and the general consensus is that Pierce will ask for a trade if the Celtics don't do something big to improve the team before next season. Who can blame him? For a potential Hall of Famer, the Celtics have surrounded him with a revolving door of rookies, white stiffs, winos, and derelicts. I*Heart*Celtics suggests that the Celtics develop a plan right away about how to keep their franchise superstar happy in the meantime. Here is how the front office should handle this potentially explosive situation.

1) Shut the f*** up about the draft. We all know Pierce doesn't want to build through the draft anymore. Bill Russell thinks it's idiotic. Red thought it was idiotic. The Celtics have a decent chance at landing a top-2 pick, but we know what happened when the Celtics tried to get Tim Duncan. Doc, if I hear you compare Oden to Bill Russell one more time I am going to take a dump on your front porch and stuff a Fish Filet sandwhich with extra mayo in your mailbox.

Also, I would like to add that the player NBADraft.net has ranked third right now is Brandon Wright from UNC. He's a big man with motivation problems and he even LOOKS likes a former brain damaged giraffe on the C's roster- Mark Blunt. I'm not saying he won't be a good player in the League... but this is a two-man draft, folks. (BTW, I'm not even that impressed by Oden, who went off for 11 points and 5 rebounds against Wisconsin the other day AFTER Wisco's best post player's elbow exploded.)

2) Identify the team's needs, state them publicly, and find people to fill those needs. The way the Celtics' front office worked back in the day is the complete opposite of how they operates now. In Red's heydey, they identified a player they wanted, and they did what it took to get him. They waited a year for Bird, they traded for DJ... they pulled out the stops for McHale and Parish... they had a plan. There's no need to take unnecessary risks (i.e. Raef and his knees, Baker and his debilitating alcoholism, Theo's back). Danny's "plan" has been to draft underrated college players and trade for the best available player with white skin and bad knees. That plan sucks. This isn't a card collection, Daniel, they're human beings. You can't build a team out of small forwards and undersized power forwards. It doesn't work.

3) Figure out some way to convince at least one person that you know what you're doing. If you can't find a single human being that defends your logic probably means that YOU are the crazy one. Some scholars defend the presidencies of jackasses like Franklin Pierce, for crying out loud. NO ONE agrees with the direction of the franchise. I see a bunch of asinine trades, good drafts, and zero chance that every young player will be able to be resigned. I see a lot of youngers I see a long-term development strategy with no end in sight. Good gravy, at least pay off Shira Springer or something.

4) Teach your coach how to... coach. It doesn't help your team's image when they are led by a dude that appears to be consulting a Magic 8 ball for advice in the fourth quarter. Will the Celtics be a winner with Doc as the coach? NOT LIKELY.

When your players hear from every sports-related media source that they suck... they tend to agree. When players think they suck, they don't play hard. When the players don't play hard, no new guy wants to come in and play for the Celtics. When no one wants to come to play for the Celtics, the team is forced to staff their team with players on their rookie contracts- oh wait...

5) Stop making excuses and give a real timeline. When can we expect the Celtics to be in the playoffs? Next year? Then, we should probably keep Pierce. Three years? You should probably trade him. His contract is enormous and he deserves bettter after all the hard work he's put in. If I got stabbed by gangsters, I wouldn't leave my house. Pierce had his best season ever. Respect that.

However, the thing is- are the Celtics going to make the playoffs in three years WITHOUT Pierce? Would Durant take them to the playoffs? Would Oden? Does a rookie EVER come in and lead a terrible team to the playoffs anymore?

6) Stop fooling around and bring Pierce up to the team offices, ask him what he needs to make the team a winner, and then do it. Paul has led more teams to the Eastern Conference finals than career role players like Ainge and Doc. He knows what it takes to win in the NBA.

Clearly, Danny Ainge doesn't have the kind of insight necessary to make the right moves. No jackass thought Vin Baker would be any good- except for Danny. No jackass thought that Raef would be more useful than 'Toine- except for Danny.

7) Do what is necessary. Make Paul Pierce the first captain-coach-GM in league history. He's the only Celtic that knows what he's doing anymore.

POOPIE IN SLC

CELTICS CUT JAZZ LEAD TO ONE POINT IN THIRD QUARTER ONLY TO IMMEDIATELY THROW A TURNOVER PARTY AND LOSE BY DOUBLE DIGITS; JAZZ ARE ACTUALLY FUN TO WATCH THIS YEAR EVEN WITHOUT THEIR EUROPEANS/CENTRAL ASIANS IN THE LINEUP; DERON WILLIAMS MIGHT BE BETTER THAN CHRIS PAUL; THIS CELTICS TEAM MIGHT BE THE WORST IN FRANCHISE HISTORY

This game sucked. The Celtics were outscored in every period except for the fourth quarter, a.k.a. "garbage time". Nevermind, they were outscored in the fourth by six points. I'm pretty sure Paul Pierce started the game 0-6, I'm positive he finished it 5-18, and double positive that Heinsohn called him out for being fat.

Big Al had almost had a triple double with points, rebounds, and turnovers, and he also threw 5 blocks into that stat line. Scalabrine was channeling his inner Raef by playing the four position, refusing to rebound, and lurking around the perimeter. Rondo looked like he was playing basketball half the time and daydreaming about his 21st birthday party the other half. Telfair made a cameo at the end to throw up a couple of bricks, giving us a brief but potent reminder of how mind-numbingly stupid the Telfair-for-a-future-All-Star trade was on draft day.

Let's get to the superlatives!

MVP: I guess this would go to Big Al.

LVP: Telfair, six minutes, two bricks, and not a pass that I can remember.

Doc's Suit: F
I can't remember it, so it was probably almost as boring as Deron Williams' personality.

Random Player I Hate Award: Rafael Araujo. Cherokee Parks called, he wants his ugly-ass tattoos, clumsiness, awkwardness, and penchant for flagrant fouls back.

Random Hero Award: This goes to Derek Fisher, who was hitting all kinds of threes tonight.

FSN Broadcast Grade: A+
When Tommy calls Paul Pierce fat and praises Scals' red hair numerous times in the same broadcast, that's an automatic "A+".

UP NEXT!
Monday night against the Rockets! Pencil in a +1 in the "W" column!

Um....

LAKERS END 6-GAME LOSING STREAK AS CELTICS OFFICIALLY TANK FIRST GAME; BIG AL ATTEMPTS 1 FG IN SECOND HALF AFTER STARTING 7-8; TELFAIR GETS MINUTES OVER RONDO; PIERCE BASICALLY DOESN'T PLAY IN SECOND HALF; CELTICS PG'S GO 5-26 FROM THE FIELD; PERKINS DOESN'T DO A DAMN THING

FATHERS, LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! JEWELERS, PULL THE $4 MILLION DIAMONDS OUT OF STORAGE! TYRA, GET READY TO SING THAT HOOK! IT'S KOBE-WAN-KANOBI TIME!

CELTICS PREPARED TO DO BATTLE WITH THOSE BOTOXED BASTARDS FROM LOS ANGELES; PROBABILITY BP FALLS ASLEEP DURING THE GAME ONLY TO WAKE UP IRRITABLE AND CONFUSED IN THE FOURTH QUARTER - 97%; CHANCES THE YOUTUBE VIDEO POSTED BELOW GIVES SULLIVAN NIGHTMARES - 99.999%

TRADES THAT DIDN'T GO DOWN

There were many deals that didn't go down before the 3pm Thursday deadline. Here are a few that our I*Heart*Celtics moles uncovered.

At lunchtime, Brian Scalabrine requested to trade his Shark Bites for Brian Doo's pudding cup, but talks stalled when it was revealed that Scals had eaten all of the Shark Bites and had stuffed the empty bag with snot-filled tissues.

DeShawn Stevenson was involved in trade talks with a 14-year-old that was something along the lines of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." It didn't go down because that dude from Dateline showed up. BUSTED!

I*Heart*Celtics contributor and resident ginger Nic rejected to "re-do" the infamous Upper Deck Hakeem-for-AC Green trade that went down in 1993 with a man only known as the L-Train. L-Train has taken the dispute to court only to have 12th Circuit judge rule that the miracle shot from the stone wall to win the game of "HORSE" made the trade legally binding forever. L-Train is either still crying about it or slowly and methodically planning Nic's assassination... or both.


The Magic called the Celtics asking for a trade- Fran Vasquez for Gerald Green. If you'll remember, the Magic took the Spaniard, who was averaging something like 2 points in a European league... now he's averaging more points per game... in the same league, because he never bothered to show up. Now, the Magic are in a free fall even though they have a "dominant big man" and are frantically looking for a wing player. The Celtics said, "Thanks, but unless Darko gets a devastating knee injury and two broken feet, we're not interested in ANYBODY on the Magic!"



UPDATE! Brought to you by Sullivan:

Jason Kidd is staying put, Princess Vince ain't going nowhere, and Pau Gasol no se va. But while NBA bloggers and bloggettes bask in the anticlimax left by their self-induced trade deadline hysteria, I*Heart*Celtics has just picked up on a trade deadline deal that passed just now. For info, we turn to the poorly translated Dominican Today.

Dennis Johnson 1954-2007

Dennis Johnson, best remembered for his layup against the Pistons after the steal by Bird, died suddenly today, as the on and off court losses continue to mount for the Celts this season. I*Heart*Celtics tips its hat to a great player done gone.

D-West's Girlfriend Goes Bats, Chokes Delonte, Cuts Wrists!

The Boston Herald Reports:

A night of post-game partying turned ugly for Boston Celtics point guard Delonte West when his live-in girlfriend allegedly choked and bit him and tried to slash her own wrists with shards of glass because he dumped her.

Read the entire story here. Commentary by I*Heart*Celtics staff below...

BP's Take:
Clearly, DWest made the right decision to end this relationship. Many women have the "crazy gene", but apparantly being in a relationship with an NBA player makes that gene mutate into a full-on, "24/7 batshit insanity gene".

Taylor told police she wasn’t trying to kill herself but was cutting herself to show West she wasn’t “(expletive) around” about their relationship. She said she was angry because West’s friends and family had been staying with them and were “picking on her.”

Now, I commiserate with the lady because who doesn't love DWest? He's got sweet moves, killer style, fly tatts, and he's a cuddlemuffin to boot. However, I don't think that this woman in question went about expressing her desire to stay in the relationship correctly. The "attack the special someone's sister, get liquored up, slash your wrists, and bite the special someone" is a little over the top.

When I*Heart*Celtics staff members want to show that they aren't "(expletive) around" about a relationship, they do the logical thing. They turn off the Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend DVD before making sweet love. We advise that our readers do the same instead of biting people in a drunken rage.

Props to DWest for dropping the relationship like a hot rock covered with poop, and we'd like to make it known that if he needs somebody to "be there" for him, we'll drive like Orien Greene to get there.

Sullivan's Take:

We could easily attribute this disatrous breakup to the curse of the red-heads, but then again, Delonte's days at St. Joe's were not exactly spent establishing positive male-female relationship karma. Yes, it seems that D-West's alleged deviance has come back to haunt him in the form of Caryn Taylor, hereforward referred to as the Delonte-Bitin'-Hoe.

As a red-headed rising star in the league, Delonte is going to have to figure out how to keep his hoes under control and his bitties from bitin' him. Since he is busy right now scoring points on the Celtics' current West Coas' road trip, I have put together a little list of tips for keeping the ladies in line when he comes home.

The First Step in doing this is making sure your girl doesn't bite you. Unless you like sporting hickies to work or are into vampires, biting needs to be kept to minimum. To avoid this, I suggest keeping all limbs away from the mouths of pyschotic shorties who recently tried to choke you.

Step two is not inviting your girlfriend to come live with your family. Even though Delonte admitted in his infamous Valentine's Day column that the Delonte Motel often has vacancy, he probably should not have filled the vacancy with a woman that has the mindset of a meth addict and doesn't even have a phone number.

If you happen to have a crazy girlfriend who likes to fight, Step Three is picking the right bar to bring her to. For instance, maybe bring her somewhere low-key, with expensive drinks to keep your alcohol intake in check, but at the same time guarenteeing a classy and enjoyable atmosphere. This is where Delonte went horribly, horribly, wrong. Oblivious to the catastrophe waiting behind the birch-tree lined bars of The District, Delonte brought his suicidal, flesh-eating arm candy to said bar, described on its website as "unique and agressive...with a hint of dangerous sensuality". Dios Mio Delonte, you were askin' for it.You are lucky you got away with just being strangled.

And last but not least, Step Four is to make sure that if your girlfriend chokes you, make sure she doesn't keep the key to your apartment. If not, she will probably break your mirror, and then you won't be able to look at yourself while you are brushing your teeth.

As long as Delonte follows these steps, surely he won't be stuck in such an ugly predicament. Although as I said before, this instance may have just been karma. Whatever it is Delonte, we still heart you. And if that phoneless Delonte-Bitin'-Hoe shows up in our neck of the woods, you better believe she won't have time to choke it.

TRADES THAT DIDN'T GO DOWN

There were many deals that didn't go down before the 3pm Thursday deadline. Here are a few that our I*Heart*Celtics moles uncovered.

At lunchtime, Brian Scalabrine requested to trade his Shark Bites for Brian Doo's pudding cup, but talks stalled when it was revealed that Scals had eaten all of the Shark Bites and had stuffed the empty bag with snot-filled tissues.

DeShawn Stevenson was involved in trade talks with a 14-year-old that was something along the lines of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." It didn't go down because that dude from Dateline showed up. BUSTED!

I*Heart*Celtics contributor and resident ginger Nic rejected to "re-do" the infamous Upper Deck Hakeem-for-AC Green trade that went down in 1993 with a man only known as the L-Train. L-Train has taken the dispute to court only to have 12th Circuit judge rule that the miracle shot from the stone wall to win the game of "HORSE" made the trade legally binding forever. L-Train is either still crying about it or slowly and methodically planning Nic's assassination... or both.


The Magic called the Celtics asking for a trade- Fran Vasquez for Gerald Green. If you'll remember, the Magic took the Spaniard, who was averaging something like 2 points in a European league... now he's averaging more points per game... in the same league, because he never bothered to show up. Now, the Magic are in a free fall even though they have a "dominant big man" and are frantically looking for a wing player. The Celtics said, "Thanks, but unless Darko gets a devastating knee injury and two broken feet, we're not interested in ANYBODY on the Magic!"


...we'll keep posting them as we hear them, homies!

CELTICS BEGIN SECOND RUN AT LEAGUE RECORD FOR LOSSES IN A ROW

DROP SECOND IN A ROW IN TWO GAMES THAT I DIDN'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO... I AM GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND GUESS THAT WALLY SPRAINED HIS ANKLE AGAIN AND DOC IS DOING SOMETHING STUPID... I WAS RIGHT!!

Alright, alright, I paid attention to these games, but not tooooo closely. The game tonight was encouraging, because the Celtics played the Suns as close as anyone in the league that lost to them this season (which is pretty much everyone), but fell short due to a lack of firepower.

As for the game against the Kings, well... the Celtics never beat the Kings. I don't know what their record is against those jokers but it's got to be something like 0-1275. So, it wasn't too much of a shock to see them drop that one.

Here's the bad about these two games.

1) Both losses in winnable games against superior opponents.
2) Wally sprained his ankle again, which happens in 100% of the games he plays in. Hm... maybe he should take some time off?!?
3) Telfair is slowly moving back into 2nd in the rotation for some unknown reason. He certainly hasn't PLAYED his way in.
4) Brian Scalabrine has played well... but he's starting. No winning team will EVER have Scals in the starting lineup. It's a huge matchup problem for the C's. That's the hole in their lineup, in fact... I don't know why Doc isn't going with West, Green, Pierce, Rondo, Jefferson... or the same lineup with Perkins instead of Gomes. Scals doesn't rebound well for a 3 or a 4. He clogs up the perimeter on offense, and his defense is passable but not good enough to warrant the minutes he's been getting. Green is an explosive scorer, a better rebounder, and an average defender. I'd rather have him in there 8 DAYS A WEEK.

Here's the good.

1) Big Al has shown that he is among the best rebounders in the league, and he has also shown that he can get his points even with Pierce as the focus of the offense.
2) Delonte is the shizzle.
3) Gerald Green is on the brink of being the sixth man.
4) Pierce is back, and he's sharing the ball.
5) Pierce is outspoken about the team's needs like a true captain should. He's the man for the Celtics, if they expect him to be the franchise player it's about damn time they gave him what he wanted.

UP NEXT:
Friday in LA versus the Lakers... will they be the first to face the Kobe-Kidd duo, who I will hereby nickname "Rape and Pillage"??? Remains to be seen...

PHEW!

TORONTO (AP) -- Gary Payton, Sam Cassell and Jason Caffey were cleared of assaulting a male exotic dancer and his stripper fiance during a confrontation outside a downtown Toronto strip club in 2003.

The Award for Most Psychotic NBA Couple: THE KIDDS!!!!

Yes, Antonio Davis' wife might be a drunken hooligan. Yes, Kobe Bryant bought his wife a huge ring after having, um, "rough sex" with a teenager. Yes, when Doug Christie poops his wife hands him the toilet paper. However, nothing, and I mean NOTHING... comes CLOSE to the Kidds.

Quick recap- Jason punched Jourmana in the face in a french fry dispute in 2001. Jourmana whores herself and her devil baby to the cameras when the Celtics play the Nets in 2002... Bob Ryan says he wants to smack her... JKidd rushes to her defense blowing kisses before free throws the whole time... then BANG! Divorce. Now, Kidd had accused Jourmana of spousal abuse. We have been waiting for Jourmana's response... anticipating outed gay people, wild accusations... and here it is! Thanks, Smoking Gun! Now, we've read through the entire grisly document and we have a little "cheat sheet" for y'all to chatter about. Now, keep in mind that this is probably the most depressing 27 pages ever written, so it's probably a better idea to leave the reading and analysis to the professionals... i.e. me.

The first two pages of the document basically go over the legal jargon, but on Page 3 we get details on JKidd's sweet bait-and-switch, or, as I like to call it, "tell your wife you're getting counciling and then have the authorities show up and take her out of the house with a police escort". Classy! We also learn of some of Jourmana's "abuse" of Jason- throwing a TV remote at him.

Page 4- this marks the first time that I feel dirty reading the document, and there are 25 pages to go! We basically learn here that Jourmana called the cops, like, a million times. In the list of things that compose a good marriage- saying "I love you", sharing household responsibilities, being financially responsible- I don't think "calling the cops whenever you feel physically threatened" makes an appearance.

Page 5- I call this the "Daddy's Girlfriend" page. Yamma hamma.

Page 6- This is a juicy page- the "secret cell phone" part. We all know that NBAers have different cell phones to get in touch with their ho's in different area codes. Jourmana claims that she was looking for JKidd's car keys and found a phone with all kinds of pictures of half-naked random chicks and sexually explicit material. Here's an interesting part of it, "(Jourmana) denies she shouted personal insults at (Kidd) during the game" but then again, she does admit to approaching the bench and asking, "Papa Bear? Is she pregnant?" I can only imagine how awkward that must have been for everyone involved. The most awkward situation the I*Heart*Celtics staff has had to deal with was when Nic2Hotty was delivered an "ants on a log" from an admiring fan during an I*Heart*Celtics podcast, calling his commitment to the cause into question.

Page 7- This page is too insane to put in to words. Basically, the Kidds trade "you're sleeping with sportswriters" accusations, Jourmana admits to blocking Jason's car like she was in Tiananmen Square, and then tells a story about JKidd speeding down the road with her clinging to the bumper... IN FRONT OF THE MAIDS.

Page 8- Enter the tracking device! Apparantly, because JKidd was basically screwing anything with a pulse, Jourmana put the tracking device on his car.

Page 9- Money stuff... money stuff... Jason Kidd was in $4 million dollars of debt when he first got married.... WHAT?!

Page 10-Jargon..

Page 11- This is where the detailing of the physical abuse starts. I have to admit, it's hard to make jokes about spousal abuse... especially "extreme cruelty" as described here. However, I will take this time to point out that Jason Kidd looks like the supervampire from Blade 2 so it doesn't surprise me in the least.

Page 12- Ah... the classic white trash move- throwing your underwear-clad wife out of the house and locking the door- while you have houseguests. Nothing says "vacation" quite like your hostess desperately banging on your window in a nightgown at 3am while your host lumbers around stinking of moonshine and body odor!

Page 13- Here is where the physical abuse is described in detail. For those of you who feel terrible about yourselves reading these documents- I call you "compassionate human beings"- I'll spare you the details and just say that it involves, fists, "across the room", stairs, and a baseball bat.

Page 14- More of the same... golf club, windshield, death threats, hanging, and a belt...

Page 15- Easily the funniest page of the document so far. Apparantly, on a flight, Jason Kidd through a cookie "frisbee style" Jourmana, cutting her lip. Then, get this- HE BLAMED HIS SON. This is the first time I have ever heard of spousal abuse getting pinned on a two-year-old.

Page 16- Um... don't read this one.

Page 17- This is the fake "I'm a Christian now!" chapter of the sordid tale. Kidd apologizes for the constant beatings, admits he has been banging scores of women on the side, and commits himself to Christianity. If the over/under on how many days it will take for Kidd to relapse was set at 2, I'd take the under.

Page 18- If women getting kicked in the stomach so hard they pee blood is bothersome to you, skip this page.

Pagae 19- Here's the easy four-step guide to a nice evening with the missus. Step 1: Instigate messy argument. Step 2: Throw a rock at your wife. Step 3: Take a nap. Step 4: Sneak out of the house through bathroom window.

Page 20- This page is amusing simply because the legal jargon is slowly breaking down. I like the fact that Kidd once "randomly apologized" for being an abusive husband. It's also a nice manuever that Jourmana's lawyers detail all the ridiculous abusive crap Kidd has done over the years and THEN describe how Kidd tried to get a restraining order against his wife. I think Kidd is being represented by Barry Zuckercorn.

Page 21- Oh... Kidd tries to pull out the $585,000 "I'm sorry" pink diamond after his affair with Petra is discovered. Now, if he had gone Kobe-style and plopped $4million, it would have been ok, but a measly five hundred grand is weeeeeak. So, instead of taking the cash and shutting up, Jourmana had chest pains and had to go to the hospital.

Page 22- "To this day, [Jourmana] questions [Kidd] has fathered children out of wedlock during the parties' marriage." Man, you know your marriage sucks when no one can even put a number on how many bastard children he has sired during your marriage.

Page 23- Here we move from itemized abuse "Z" to "AA". Hoo boy. Here we learn that Kidd has somewhat of a golf habit- the tune of 72 holes in a single day. Isn't that, like, 12 straight hours of golf?!? I hate this guy, like, SO MUCH.

Page 24- This is the part where Kidd goes gambling with strippers until 7am, comes home stinking drunk, and insists on driving the kids to school.

Page 25-27- Here's where Jourmana goes for the money grab- because there probably isn't much left thanks to all the gambling, and given Kidd's complete disregard for his illigitimate children it will be an uphill battle. I have to say that I am on Jourmana's side on this one, and under the assumption that 1% of the events described in this document are true, not only is Kidd a total and complete asshole, I can virtually guarantee that he he is going to get buttslammed by a horde of angry demons for his shenanigans.

New Podcast!!!

In this week's episode, we freak out over Gerald Green's win, we relish in the fact that Jesus only gave Dwight Howard's first dunk a "3", we spray fart all over Bill Simmons, dream about shooting Bill Laimbeer in the face, we go PETA on Ron Artest, and get it on with Dick Bavetta.

Click here to listen!

GERALD WINS! GERALD WINS!

Yes, it's true... Gerald Green has won the Slam Dunk Competition. He took a commanding lead in the first round and cruised to a head-to-head victory over Nate Robinson. He dunked an alley oop windmill off the side of the backboard, did a Dee Brown no look OVER Nate Robinson, took an alley oop over the backboard for a power slam, and then jumped over a table for the victory. There won't be any controversy about who should have won- Gerald was clearly the best out there, but the judges were a little dubious at times.

I have to say, this year's competition was much better than last year. Robinson's dunks were better this year than last, and Dwight Howard was definitely jobbed by the judges. Michael Jordan was playing the Simon Cowell all night, and only Gerald was able to pull a 10 out of that miserly leather-clad legend. The judges would basically all agree and then Michael would go one lower.

We'll do a dunk-by-dunk recap.

FIRST ROUND

Tyrus Thomas- after a couple failed attempts at an alley-oop with Ben Gordon, he settled for a between-the-legs-off-the-backboard power slam. TNT did a nice job showing Kenny Smith doing it better back in 1990. Looks like Tyrus Thomas' high school isn't going to be getting any donations this year...

Nate Robinson- he pulls off the BIRDMAN in his first attempt, a Robinson rarity. A nice jam, but the judges make it clear that being short will definitely be good for major extra points.

Dwight Howard- the lamest dunk of the night, he basically did a windmill slam. This dunk was something you could see in an average NBA game. I don't think Jesus approved of this one.

Gerald- Took the commanding lead with his first dunk. Using Paul Pierce, he took a an alley-oop off the side of the backboard, pulled the ball back to below his grundle, and slammed it home. The contest was basically over at this point.

FIRST ROUND - SECOND DUNK

Tyrus Thomas- Takes a page out of Nate Robinson's book and jumps "over" Ben Gordon... this was a nice dunk but the judges got it right. Tyrus Thomas is an ass and no one wants to watch him.

Nate Robinson- David Lee held the ball in the air, Nate jumped up, grabbed the ball, and pulled a 360 jam. Both of Robinson's first two dunks are better than all but one of his dunks from last year.

Dwight Howard- one-handed alley-oop from Jameer Nelson while simultaneously putting a sticker on the backboard. It was a picture of him, and, I think, a Biblical scripture. Uh... weird. This was an impressive feat because he almost touched the top of the backboard WHILE taking an alley-oop, but he only got 43 points (I think), making Gerald a virtual lock for the championship.

G- This contest is a lock for Gerald. He pumped up his Reebok's pulled out the Dee Brown Jersey, and pulled a NO LOOK dunk over Nate Robinson! Un-frikkin-believable... one of the best ever, and easily my FAVORITE dunk ever. Also, big, big props to Nate for standing in.

This put Robinson and G in the finals, cue awkward mid-competition interview! Who better to conduct it than Cheryl Miller? Poor Nate Robinson knew he was cooked.

FINALS

Nate Robinson- Here's the problem with Nasty Nate defending his title. He's short, as we all know, which makes the number of dunks he can attempt quite small. Also, his hands are tiny, so he can't palm the ball. Finally, I don't care what anyone says- his dunk over Spud Webb was so good that I don't think it would be possible for him to top. It was one of the best dunks of the contest- ever. So... when he went for a basic grab-the-rim-and-then-slam after numerous attempts it looked like Gerald could literally drop in a few layups for the win.

G- He had a long pow-wow with Paul Pierce that ended with Pierce saying something along the lines of "Uh... sure dude..." Then they went with an alley-oop from behind the backboard. Gerald jumped about ten feet in the air and put down a power jam, but it only put him two points ahead of Nate. Gerald then went to the hotel and took a nap while waiting for Nate to put his next dunk down.

Nate- In an homage to his victory last year, Nate took forever. He used the entire allotted two minutes, putting him down to two attempts. He bricked the first one. Gerald was cheering him on, and so was I. I don't care what anyone says, I like Nate Robinson. He could have been in the NFL, he's tiny, he's a spazz, he does ridiculous crap, and he beat the shit out of the JR Smith. When he finally put his 360-alley-oop down, we knew that Gerald would win.

G- He pulled out the table... jumped from two steps in front of the free throw line for a tomahawk jam. Jordan pulled out his "10" card... 50 points for the victory. He definitely got eh "50" because he so deserved winning the whole damn thing.

I'm pooped, but HUGE PROPS to G for winning this damn thing. We Heart You, Gerald!

Go Forth and Dunk Your Ass Off, My Son

We Hate Tim Hardaway

Perhaps our hate started because he played on Miami Heat teams under Pat Riley that nearly destoyed basketball in the 90's. Remember? Hardaway would walk the ball up the floor, turn around, and post up. Games with Tim Hardaway at the helm were guaranteed to be 80-75 borefests with a million fouls, no fast breaks, and nothing interesting. Then, he refused to go away, riding the bench with his smug-ass looking mug for what seemed like decades. Most people don't realize that he played for the Florida Pit Bulls in the ABA... until LAST YEAR.

However, the hate became much more potent when he joined the corporate whores at ESPN sometime in the area of 2002. He was washed up as a player, and became poster boy for brain dead ex-players staring blankly into a teleprompter mumbling cliches and "Back in the day" harumphing about how tough everybody was. Yeah, Tim, back in your day the NBA sucked, and you and your oily coach were largely responsible.

Anyway, those douche bags over at ESPN didn't break the mold after Timmy Hardaway left (see: Scottie Pippen, Jamal Mashburn) to warm the bench for the Dallas Mavericks, flame out in Denver, and play like a crusty old cantakerous ass in Indiana. When ESPN didn't invite UTelepromter 2-Stupid back, we thought he was out of our lives forever. We weren't planning on going to any Florida Pit Bulls games, anyway.

But, then, out of nowhere, he comes out with this gem about John Amaechi, The Gay SubAverage Ex-NBAer With A Book Deal:

Well, you know, I hate gay people. I let it be known I don’t like gay people. I don’t like to be around gay people. I’m homophobic. It shouldn’t be in the world, in the United States, I don’t like it.

Then, it all made sense- that's why ESPN had him read off a teleprompter all the time... because he's a crazy asshole! The best part about this quote was that it came at the end of an otherwise normal and boring interview... this was part of the "end of interview" banter. This is when the host says something like, "How's your golf game going?" or "When does the wife expect you home?" It's customary to have a little joke. So when Bam Le Betard says, "What would you do if you had a gay teammate?" There are a couple folksy responses available.

a) "I wouldn't mind, he could give me some fashion tips!"
b) "Hell, I would play with Sasquatch if he had a jump shot!"
c) "Hey, one less guy going after those fine-ass NBA groupies!" (that's a sampling)

then, of course, there's option d)
"I HATE GAY PEOPLE!"

Stick to the teleprompter, you gaybashing psychopath. At least... as long as the weirdo who designed your lame ass website isn't writing those cards!

Now, this is the first website I've seen that leads off with a quote from Eric Murdock.

"He's unbelievably hard to guard."

Woah, ERIC MURDOCK said that!? NBA JOURNEYMAN ERIC MURDOCK SAID THAT?

Then Chris Mullin pipes in.

"I loved wrestling with his balls."

Just kidding.

"You had to wrestle him for the ball."

Sounds like a backhanded compliment to me... that's an odd thing to say about a point guard, but I agree with Mullin... Hardaway would hold on to the ball until there were five seconds left on the shot clock every... single... time.... just thinking about it makes me want to barf.

We also have a brief summary of the site:

Although Tim is much too busy to monitor this site

Busy doing what? Playing for the pit bulls and burning Elton John records?

he checks in whenever he can.

For what? The sweet message board? The sweet graphics and/or flash animation? His oft-updated calender of appearances? Oh wait... the site doesn't have any of them. No, no, it looks like something a senior citizen would make in their first Photoshop class at a nursing home. There isn't even a link on the whole friggin thing! It is, by far, the WORST NBA player website I have EVER seen. I'd encourage you, gentle reader, to find one that's worse.

The only thing this site offers are some old graphics and a paragraph about Tim. So what's Tim up to now?

The training never stops, and when he isn't training he is spending time with his family or playing the role model.

I love it. First, the a-hole says the training never stops. Then he gives examples of when it does. Similarly, Theo Ratliff never misses a game, but when he does, he misses them by the dozen. Scalabrine never eats Krispie Kremes, but when he does he eats them by the shovelful.

That's not the only puzzling piece of logic. Apparantly, "training", "spending time with family" and "playing the role model" are mutually exclusive. You couldn't, say train during the day, spend time with family in the evening, and, say play the role model all day. Nooooo... you can take your pick of ONE, son! And remember, Tim Hardaway never claimed to BE a role model, but he does claim to PLAY one when he's not otherwise engaged in training for big matchup against the Charlotte Krunk in the ABA playoffs. (If you think I'm making that name up, WRONG!)

Lord only knows what Tim Hardaway thinks "playing a role model" is, anyway... it probably means playing "smear the queer" with the neighborhood kids, reading a teleprompter like a robot, looking like a dick, and using the word "faggot" as many times in a sentence as possible.

In conclusion, we hate Tim Hardaway because 1) he symbolized everything that almost destroyed the NBA 2) he paved the way for the mindless automaton "commentator" on ESPN 3) his website sucks donkey dick and 4) he hurt John Amaechi's feelings, and Amaechi is a big cuddly teddy bear.

Screw you, Tim Hardaway!

The Gerald Green Show

Check it out . According to Layne Whitiker and ours peeps at SLAM, Reebok has already started promoting Gerald Green as the runaway favorite for the 2007 Slam Dunk Contest. Dubbing it "The Gerald Green Show," Reebok is promoting our Celtics phenome with the release of t-shirts and posters. To get one of these check SLAMonline as they will be giving them away to promote the game.

Celtics fans should be stoked. Nate Robinson is going to get is going to receive a minature-ass-whoopin'. The novelty of being short has grown tiresome after it took him 27 dunk attempts to win it last year. Unless Dwight Howard takes an alley-oop from Jesus Christ himself, he's got nothing on G. Tyrus Thomas can talk to me when he gets his own Dunk Contest ad campaign. The Dunk Machine's coming home with the W. Reebok has garenteed it.

Let's not forget what happened the last time a Celtic entered the dunk contest wearing Reebok pumps...
Even without Pierce, Celtics fans should be giddy for All-Star Weekend.

That Was a Wild Ride

Let's do a game-by-game walk down memory lane... with a franchise as storied as the Boston Celtics, it's rare and special when a team record is broken. This was history in the making! So grab a Schlitz, snuggle up to Vin Baker, and let's remember The Streak.

January 5 - The Celtics, minus superstar Paul Pierce, pull out a 128-117 victory against the Memphis Grizzlies. It was a great team effort. The Celtics shot 58% from the field. Wally had 26, Tony Allen had 20, and believe it or not, Scalentine, Gomes, and DWest had 16 apiece. Even Perk had 10 points, in one of his only games in double figures the whole year. Things were looking bright because we all thought Paul would be back for the Wizards game on the 20th of January... at the latest. This win was the second of two wins in the month.

January 7 - The Celtics had a horrible game, shooting 31% from the floor and never holding a lead in a 87-79 loss to the Orlando Magic. Gomes mysteriously played 5 minutes and scored no points (I think he was sick), Scals went o-for-everything from the floor, and Darko landed on my personal Top-Ten Biggest Dickheads in the NBA List with a flagrant foul against Tony Allen. An amusing statistic- coming in to this game, the Celtics were on a 2-8 skid.

January 10 - The Celtics lost 97-84 against the hated Indiana Pacers, but the big story was Tony Allen's gruesome knee injury and subsequent gruesome drive to the hospital with a one-legged redhead with NASCAR ambitions and a penchant for Krispy Kremes- Brian Scalabrine. Danny Ainge was off in the Balkans dodging mortar fire trying to get a peek at a sweet-shooting European power forward with a hook nose, the skills of a point guard, and the toughness of a first-grader averaging 2ppg in a second division Croatian League.

January 12 - The Toronto Raptors came to town, to play the "Celtics", missing Pierce, DWest, Tony Allen, Wally World, and Scalentine. It wasn't much of a contest, but Rajon Rondo had a coming out party with 23 points. I don't remember much about this game, but I do remember telling someone, "The Celtics are going to win more games without Pierce than you think!" If the person thought the Celtics were going to win zero games... well.... I was wrong.

January 13- In the second game of a back-to-back, the Celtics dropped a close and brutal game 81-73 to the Detroit Pistons. This was back in the DAY before CWebb came to town. The Pistons were missing Chauncy Billups, but it didn't matter because Flip Murray went bananas draining threes down the stretch.

January 15 - The Atlanta Hawks barely beat the Celtics 100-96 after the Celtics came from 14 down near the end of the third quarter to take the lead in the fourth. Alan Ray was playing like he was on fire in NBA Jam, chucking up some of the most outrageous threes ever attempted in the league. The Celtics had the Hawks bent over their knee... only to execute a gameplan down the stretch about as coherent as Mel Gibson at a traffic stop. 100-96.

January 19 - The Celtics lost to the Kings, and I don't remember a damn thing about this game except that I remember thinking to myself, "Are DWest, Gomes, and Jefferson the only Celtics on the floor?!? Did Doc forget to put five players out there?!?" Close. The fourth leading scorer for the C's was Gerald with 7 points, and he went 3-11. I don't know what the statistics are, but I don't think the Celtics ever beat the Kings in the history of the world.

January 20 - I remember this game quite well because I was in the building. It had been revealed earlier in the week that Pierce, um, probably would be taking his time coming back. The C's came from a million points down thanks to the impeccable skills of Ragin' Rondo, whose defense also prevented Gilbert Arenas from making a game-winning shot for the first time, like, all season. Then, in overtime, it was a debacle and the Celtics couldn't do anything right and they lost. The frustration was made worse by an incoherent chubby weirdo sitting next to me who kept on talking trash that I couldn't understand. I couldn't get out of that place fast enough.

January 22 - This was the second most agonizing loss in the stretch for me, behind the Tony Allen injury day. The Spurs pulled out a 93-89 win despite the fact that Big Al was tossing Duncan around like the Big Fundamental was the asthmatic kid at summer camp. The Celtics came storming back from a 14-point defecit to start the fourth and could have pulled it out. DWest hit a three to pull the C's to within 2 and for some unknown reason Gomes chose not to foul immediately on the inbound, allowing the clock to run down to 3 seconds. We were reminded, again, of Tim Duncan's undefeated record against the Celtics, which reminded us of the last time the Celtics shot for the lottery.

January 24-30 - At this point, the Celtics had lost 9 in a row and it became "Deja Vu" territory. Wait, didn't we just lose to the Hawks, Raptors, Wizards, and Pacers?!? Yes. Yes we did. Was it in that order? Weren't all the games sort of close? Who knows?!? When we came out of this wrinkle in time, the losing streak had reached 13 games and the Lakers were in town.

January 31 - This was a full-scale beating. Kobe went for 43 and hit a half-court shot. The Celtics went down big early, made sort of a run, and lost big. Scalentine was DA BOMB, scoring 17 points on 5-7 shooting, prompting redheaded children to ask their parents for Golden Arches tattoos. The interesting subplot in this game was the fact that Telfair got a "DNP- Coach's Decision", affirming what the entire world already knew- Rajon Rondo is a superior player. You would have thought that his outstanding play nearly every time he stepped on the floor, combined with Telfair's mind-numbing incompetence, would have made this decision an easy one. Nope.

February 2 - A new month brought new revelations but similar results. I realized that I would rather have Ragin' Rondo than Shaun "Uh........" Livingston. While the Clippers won, Livingston played with a blank expression usually reserved for stoners watching cartoons. Rondo, on the other hand, was all over the place, driving to the rack, deflecting passes, and pulling down rebounds. The Celtics would have won this game if it weren't for the in-no-way-professionally-appropriate relationship between Cory Maggette and the refs. Maggette's barrel-into-somebody-and-chuck-the-ball strategy worked to the tune of 17 free throw attempts, which was three less than the Celtics attempted as a team. This loss wasn't that annoying, however, because Rondo was displaying his studly qualities.

February 6 - The Pistons had such a commanding lead in the fourth quarter that Chris Webber started playing Harlem Globetrotter. Nice, Chris. I hope you realize that for every one of your collosal failures the Celtics have a championship to match. After the game, Doc had this gem to offer:

"We really didn't have a chance."

Nice. Something tells me that Doc is the kind of coach that gives a lot of, "Let's just, uh, have FUN out there!" speeches.

February 7 - The second game of a back-to-back against the defending NBA champions... second straight "Let's have fun out there!" speech, 16th straight loss. I don't have much in my memory bank from this game except that I really, really, REALLY don't like Dwayne Wade. Let's face facts here- his game relies completely on the refs giving him fellatio, he flops and whines like a European, turns the ball over like crazy, only plays defense when he feels like it, and yet is adored by everybody. Either he's a dick or I am bitter about losing again.... but it's probably both.

February 9 - The New Jersey Nets are true evil, and this game was the one that pissed me off the most. The Celtics lost big to a hated rival that isn't even that good this year (thanks to injuries), and they played awful to boot. They looked like they were never going to win another game, shot 34% from the floor, and other than Big Al, rebounded like pansies. Al almost had half of the team's rebounds. This game made me angry.

February 11 - The basketball gods revealed that this would be the last loss in the streak when they allowed Ricky Davis to hit a game-winner in a game that Mark Blount dominated. It was one last "F--- you" from the gods to Danny Ainge and incessant roster shuffling ways. We all got the message, although we all suspected that the basketball gods are a bunch of douche bags.

So, there you have it. But it wouldn't be I*Heart*Celtics without some superlatives, would it?

MVP of the Streak: The man who kept this streak going had to be Paul Pierce. After relying on his heroics in the fourth quarter for his entire career, when the big man went down the Celtics fumbled down the stretch like a zit-faced teenager with a bra strap. If Pierce was in the lineup, this never would have happened.

LVP of the Streak: Gotta give this one to Leon Powe, who has replaced Dwayne Jones as the guy on the roster that hopes no one notices is still on the team. Posters can comment and correct me, but I can't remember a single game during the streak that Powe had any impact, positive or negative, good or evil.

Biggest Heartbreaker: Tony Allen. We cried harder after Tony's knee injury than when Bambi's mom died, Lassie died, and Andre the Giant died COMBINED.

Best Moment: It doesn't get much better than Rondo pegging Francisco Elson in the nuts with a basketball.

Worst Moment Other Than Tony Allen's Knee Injury: It was a series of moments, but when Go-Gomes waited almost ten seconds to foul at the end of the Spurs game... that was painful.

Best Discovery Part 1: Rondo can really play.

Best Discovery Part 2: Telfair can't, and belongs on the bench.

Best Discovery Part 3: Big Al is one of the best young big men in the league.

Where Is He Now?: Perkins still plays for the Celtics. No really! He does.

Best Subplot: Gerald's invitation to Dunk Contest.

Worst Subplot: The national media whining about "tanking" the season. Hey, National Media- Fuck You.

Best Stat: When Jefferson qualified for the league leaders in rebounds and made his debut in the top ten, right with the best in the league.

Worst Stat: Do I need to pick on?

Best Win: Just kidding.

Worst Loss: In terms of gut-wrenching, the Spurs. In terms of being obnoxious, the Pistons. In terms of hating the other team, the Nets.

Worst Suit by Doc Rivers: Take your pick.

WHERE'S MY F****** CIGAR?!?!?

SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM, HOMIES, THE CELTICS WON

Larry David must be stoked, because his Celtics pick was ON THE MONEY. In easily my favorite game of the year, the Celtics overcame a 15-point deficit in the first half, took control of the game in the third quarter, and held off the Bucks down the stretch to end their 18-game losing streak. Even the Cooz had to admit that Rondo was running the show like a true point. The Celtics were making the extra pass the whole game, setting up their jump shooters (of which the Celtics have, oh, ten) perfectly. Gerald Green was draining threes like Dana Barros during his BC days, Scalentine made me blush with his long-distance touch. I just wish he wasn't so long-distance from me on this special day, ya know what I'm saying?!?

The biggest thing for me, however, was watching Al Jefferson be effective even with the guards hitting their jumpers. He went for 17 and 10 despite some foul trouble and he had some great defense to boot.

Now, let me be the first to predict 18 straight wins for this talented and lovable bunch!

CELTICS BEWARE

BUCKS HAVE HAIRLESS CANNIBAL MUTANTS ON THEIR SIDE