The revolutionary website that combines McHale's shoulders, Bird's moustache, M.L. Carr's towel, Red's cigar, Russell's rings, Pierce's headband,
Tommy's bias, Cousy's moves, Tony Allen's street smarts, Scalabrine's appetite, Rondo's freakishly huge hands, Cassell's looks, and Garnett's pterodactyline physique.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
New Podcast
In this week's podcast, Nic and I once again pour out our 40's for our missing homies Chap and Sullivan, but soldier on to discuss various topics related to the Celtics. Wondering which ESPN writer we'd like to shoot? Wondering who Ron Artest punched this week? Ever thought, "What kind of person would an I*Heart*Celtics contributer fart on?" Your questions will be answered. We also get to air some of our grievances against Jackie Mac and the Curly Haired Boyfriend. Click here to listen, jive turkeys!
Sadly, the Celtics must travel to the City of Brotherly Love this evening to face the Philadelphia 76ers. I know their record is bad... but they're such nice kids... I would like the Sixers if I didn't abhor their god-awful disgrace of a city. If you ever want to go to a place where you are guaranteed to deal with strictly assholes, bitches, and douchebags, go to Philly.
The Sixers are 8-5 in March, but the Celtics are on a 9-7 run of their own. Paul Pierce isn't going to play, he's going to "shut it down" for the season (most likely), but the Celtics should win. In the same time, they might be just bad enough to lose the loyalty of their greatest player since Bird, but we'll discuss that at a later juncture.
KEYS TO VICTORY
1) Punch Shavlik Randolph in the nuts. Do it for us. Do it for the children.
2) Pound the ball inside. Sammy Dalembert is a decent big man, but the jokers backing him up make Marty Conlon look like George Mikan. A little foul trouble goes a loooong way against the Sixers.
3) Pack the middle and stick Rondo on Korver. Speaking of Korver, check out his killer website. If you were wondering whether Kyle Korver rocks out to Nickleback- fear not. He does. He also looks like Ashton Kutcher if he was one of the mutants from "The Hills Have Eyes".
Anyway, don't let that honkey shoot, but let the rest of his team go crazy. They KILL themselves when they don't go to the basket, and they're coached by Mo Cheeks, so you know they aren't going to make adjustments. Then again, the Celtics are coached by Doc Rivers, who NEVER listens to our advice and thus has a terrible record.
PREDICTION Celtics go apeshit. Pierce comes off of injured reserve to lead a 30-point victory, vows never to leave the Celtics, and Tony Allen pistol whips Shavlik.
CELTICS DESTROY MAGIC IN SECOND OVERTIME AS MAGIC CONTINUE FREE FALL FROM TOP SEED TO EIGHTH SEED; PIERCE HITS TWO CLUTCH JUMPERS TO FORCE OT (TWICE); JEFFERSON GETS THE BEST OF HOWARD; BP SPENDS MOST OF GAME WATCHING THE MCDONALD'S ALL-AMERICA GAME AND WONDERING WHY EVERYONE HAS A BONER FOR OJ MAYO (pst... he's overrated)
The Celtics had a great game last night against the Orlando Magic. Yes, we all shed a tear to see Battie in a different uniform. Yes, some people were probably wishing that Doc was wearing a different uniform... you know what I mean. However, this game was far from bittersweet. It was awesome and I loved it.
First, Big Al was all over Dwight Howard. He went 9-17 from the floor (23 points) with 13 boards. Howard had 12 points, 14 rebounds, 6 turnovers, and a stellar 4-12 performance FROM THE FREE THROW LINE. He looked about as comfortable shooting free throws as he did at Disney World.
Look how terrible at shooting free throws we is!
Second, Leon Powe fouled out in six minutes of action. Six minutes.
Third, Perk Papa played 46 minutes and notched a double-double (11 points, 12 rebounds). Atta boy!
Fourth, Telfair had another awful night, making the decision to play Delonte and Rondo easy even for an ignoramus like Doc Rivers.
Fifth, and most importantly, THE TRUTH IS CLUTCH. Remember back during that 18-game losing streak when the Celtics were losing close game after close game? If they had Pierce in the lineup, they would have won several of those games, if not all of them! Now, many Celtics fans gathered sick satisfaction out of watching the Celtics lose, which I will never understand, but the fact remains that having a clutch superstar on your team is often the difference between winning and losing. The Celtics NEED Pierce.
Alright, this game recap is way late because my bedtime is way early, but the Celtics are playing against the streaking Sixers on Friday night. Funny, the Sixers got much better when a certain someone left town...
Iheartceltics would like to congratulate our favorite Celtic, Brian Scalabrine on his new baby Elianna Rose. Fittingly the baby was born on St. Patricks day in Boston, weighing a healthy 74 pounds 6 ounces. (click on the photo to read what Scal has to say)
Believe it. Celtics fans' worst fear has become a reality: The Celtics have lost the #1 overall draft pick. The #1 pick of the 1998 draft that is.
Michael Olowokandi is done for the season with a broken bone in his foot, although when reached for comment the Kandi-Man insisted the diagnosis was glaucoma. "Das' some good weed," Olowakondi said through squinty, bloodshot eyes from his bed at New England Baptist Medical Center. Olowokandi also reportedly asked his physician if he qualified for the Make a Wish Foundation.
What does this mean for the rest of the Celtics season?
Coming off last night's impressive win against the Raptors, this is a real momentum killer. With Olowokandi in street clothes, the Celtics oldest active player is only 29, and the bench is now 7 feet shorter and 270 pounds lighter. The Celtics also risk losing their major fan base of University of the Pacific alumni, a powerful faction of the green and white that is believed to be the only demographic of TC Banknorth Garden attendees besides Wyc Grousbeck that cheers for Lucky during timeouts. Also look for the Celtics offensive production to take a hit (no, not that kind of hit Kandi Man!), a 1.7 points per game hit.
Kandi man was a driving force down the stretch during the Celtics' recent defeat of the Spurs for the first time in a decade. He will be sorely missed down the stretch of this season, a season that could be his last in Auerbach green.
When the rest of the Celtics finish up their season on April 18 and leave the Garden to watch the playoffs at home, the Kandi man's his season will just be starting. You see, 4/20 is only two days after the season finale this year, and broken foot/glaucoma or no broken foot/glaucoma, you better believe the Kandi man will be there to usher in the stoner holiday. "'Shit's like christmas!" Olowokandi has said about his favorite day of the year. Amen Kandi, Amen.
News and Notes: Celtics Beat Matt Bonner-less Raptors, Kandi Man Goes Down
-The Celtics took it to the Toronto Raptors last night, 95-87. Apparantly, Garbajosa had a horrific injury in the fourth quarter when the Celtics had the game easily in hand, but I'm not gonna lie- I was asleep. I was awake to hear the announcement that the Kandi Man will be "shut down" for the rest of the season because of a fractured foot. This might be the final indication that the Celtics truly are tanking the season.
As Celtics.com points out, however, the Raptors are the Atlantic Division Leaders, so it was no small victory for the C's. The Raptors are also the team that the Celtics are often compared to, because the Raptors have made wise trades (TJ Ford, Rasho Nesterovic) and draft picks to go from a laughingstock to... a laughingstock, due to the fact that they are an expansion team called the "Raptors", they play in Canada, and they have uniforms so purple Prince would blush. LAMEST FRANCHISE EVER. However, they are a good basketball team for the time being. Will they be good in the future? Um... well, they start Rasho Nesterovic and they have more whities on the team than Bromfield Varsity. Plus, they have a lot of negative karma for spurning their firey redheaded superstar, Matt Bonner. So, time will tell.
The Celtics' play against the Raptors is how they SHOULD play all the time. Rondo was pushing the pace (16 pts, 8 asts). Delonte (18 pts) and Gerald (10 pts) were shooting well from mid-to-long range. Pierce (23 pts) was taking good shots (other than the 7 missed threes). Perhaps most importantly, the Celtics had a 10-rebound advantage, controlled the paint (Big Al shot 10-14 from the field), and defended the post exceptionally well. Bosh shot 5-19 from the floor thanks to Perks spastic D.
Overall, it was an excellent game for the Celtics to finally get that pesky 10th home win of the year.
-Tony Parker released his rap album today. Here's a video of Tony rapping in French with who else? Fabolos, or however he mispells his own name, and Booba. Yes. His name is Booba.
There are several important themes in this video that warrant further discussion. First, Tony is good at basketball. Second, rappers wear cool clothes and talk about riding personal jets. Third, and perhaps most importantly, this video argues that two vastly different cultures can come together and film themselves lip-synching to over sluggish beats stolen from other people about banging ho's and making money. I would call this video a giant leap for mankind.
Celtics guard [Delonte West] is one of several professional athletes, including two members of the Chicago Bears, featured in a food article in the latest edition of GQ.
West was asked to be a celebrity taster last November at a local restaurant as part of the piece. His picture in the feature is significantly smaller than that of the other athletes.
“It’s a nice way to jump off my modeling career - I have to start small,” [Delonte West] said. “My agent set it up for me. Both of the dishes I tasted were pasta and shrimp.”
Delonte's quote makes pretty much no sense at all, although my allegiance to the elfantine young guard forces me to accept his logic as sound. Not since Dwayne Schintzius left the Celtics to become a male model in Lithuania has such an unattractive Celtic ventured into the dangerous waters of modeling. Usually we leave endeavors such as these to our oft-injured sharpshooting dreamboat Wally Szczerbiak, but that won't stop Delonte from swan-diving in without hesitation.
I admit, I am a sucker for Celtics advertising. I woke up this morning on my Bernie and Phil's Tommy Heinsohn edition Sealy Posturepedic and drove to work in my Big Al Jefferson Limited Edition Silverado while wearing my Paul Pierce Nike Second Coming white warm up suit.So clearly, whatever Delonte West models, I will buy.
Nevertheless, Delonte's modeling career seems especially bleak considering that his appearance in GQ doesn't really appear to have anything to do with modeling in the first place. I mean, eating two shrimp and pasta dishes (so much for variety) isn't exactly walking down the runway in Milan. In fact, common knowledge says that eating in the first place is incompatible with fashion stardom. And we know Delonte loves to eat (see: Popeye's Chicken) Add to that the fact that GQ has apparently shrunk West's headshot to be smaller in size than two members of the stunningly ugly Chicago Bears...and West would not sem to be in position to launch a second career in front of the camera.
I, for one, applaud West's agent for setting up this exciting photo op for Delonte. Considering his ongoing psychotic girlfriend woes, Delonte needed a little break from the bad press. Modeling career or no modeling career, the ladies needed a sign that Delonte was back on the scene, and can't no crazy suicidal bitty gone hold him down. Not to mention shrimp is a known aphrodesiac. Mothers, lock up your daughters!
-The one-eyed criminal we grew to love during his 6.5 glorious years with the Celtics, Eric Williams, was released by the Bobcats the other day. It's unlikely that he will be picked up by another team, effectively ending his 12-year career. His Basketball-Reference page can be found here. He was born and raised in Newark, NJ, making it no small miracle that he survived his formative years to go to Providence College and get drafted 14th overall by the Celtics in 1995. Williams was known for his defense, willingness to do the dirty work down low, being traded for Dwayne Schnitzius, starting the "Negro Basketball Association" clothing line despite no such league ever existing, stealing things, and being a nice guy. In fact, he might be the nicest former criminal of all time. According to his Wikipedia page, he was also the Prime Minister of Trinidad and Tobago. Williams was an integral component in the Celtics' Eastern Conference Finals run in the 2001-2002 season. We loved him dearly and sniffled when he left the Celtics (both times). Hopefully he wisely invested the cool $35 million he made as a pro and can spend the rest of his days being fat and happy.
-Our favorite wackjob NBA'er- Ron Artest- is thinking about retiring. Why? You guessed it- to spend more time with his family. Sounds like a good idea, but for Ron Artest, "spending time with your family" means beating the human members of his family and starving his canine family members. Sounds like a lousy idea. We support his other idea- playing overseas. Let's send him to a country we don't like.
With Chap and Sullivan either out of commission or eating breakfast, BP and Nic soldier on to discuss the historic win against the Spurs, Ron Artest's wife, Lindsay Hunter's steroid-pumping wife, and Dee Brown's hilarious column. Click here to listen, homies and homegirls!
-The Celtics were pasted by the Dallas Mavericks the other night... I think they were down 25-7 in the first quarter and it didn't get much better. Sure, the Celtics went on a couple runs, but the ending was never in doubt. Sad? Depressed? Let me know how I have dealt with the heartbreak.
-By reading this story, silly goose! There is a rare news story that captivates each member of the I*Heart*Celtics staff. Zach Randolph, Michigan State alum (Nic and Chap, pay attention), takes time off from the Portland Trailblazers (BP's favorite franchise) to grieve his girlfriend's murdered brother. What does he do? Sullivan, you guessed it- he spent his night off racking up a bill at the Exotica International Club for Men. What did he do after that? Yup, he skipped out on the bill.
Zach Randolph has done one of two things. 1) Used a "berievement leave" excuse to hit up a strip club of 2) Grieves by hanging out with strippers and ripping off a waitstaff. Either way, he's a nutbar. I wonder what his bigggest fan will think?!?
-Celtics have tomorrow off... Monday night they play the Raptors.
Brown speaks out against Lucky, Dancers, Doc! Awesome!
HoopsHype.com has unveiled a (typo-laden, but edgy) column by none other than our own Dee Brown. The column discusses the Celtics' current state of affairs, and offers some insight to the offseason. It's pretty awesome in my mind because he makes fun of Lucky, the Dancers, Doc Rivers, and Frank Brickowski. It also includes the following halarious moment, when Dee explains why there is more hope for the Celtics now than when he played:
"[The Current Celtics] players all have talent and have the attention of experts around the league as having an huge upside. Look at the team I was on in the 1996-97 season:
Brett Szabo Nate Driggers Steve Hamer Marty Colon David Wesley Rick Fox Frank Brickowski
I rest my case!"
Wow, my favorite part is that he (mistakenly???) misspells Marty Conlon's last name "Colon". I love this guy! Check out Dee's full post here.
As promised, I am back with more picks for the second installment of Sullivan's Super Sweet Sixteen. I was 3 for 4 last night, my only miss coming on a pick in which defied my own logic, so I'm sticking to it without exception tonight. In case you missed yesterday's post, here's how my prediction system works:
1) I brainstorm which Celtics played at each college in the sweet 16 2) I look at the matchups 3) I evaluate which school produced better Celtics 4) I pick that team to win
About last night - Watching Tennessee blow that lead last night was painful. The Volunteers were clearly channeling Antoine Walker circa 2001; I've never seen a more extreme example of living and dying by the three. The Vols made 16 threes, and only 14 twos. Sheesh. UCLA and Pitt was a boring game. I really don't like Pitt and can't stand watching Fatty Fields dribble around for 25 seconds per posession, not to mention Aaron Grey is an oaf. Thank god they are gone. I was shocked that A&M choked repeatedly down the stretch and that Memphis looked like the more calm, cool, and collected team. Memphis even hit their free throws. Sadly for the A&M players this means they have to go back to College Station, which makes Baghdad look like friggin' Monte Carlo.
Tonight's games should actually be pretty good. Taking after his dad's coaching skills, look for Jeremiah Rivers to look confused and be ineffective against Vanderbilt. UNC and USC could prove to be a classic east coast powerhouse versus west coast up and comer game, and I don't think I've seen either Oregon or UNLV play all year so I have nothing to say about either of them. Butler and Florida are two bitter rivals - oh no wait I'm pretty sure no one on Florida has ever heard of Butler. Now on to the picks!
UNC - Rick Fox, Joe Forte, Eric Montross, Shammond Williams, Joe Wolf
vs.
USC - Bill Sharman, Brian "Veal" Scalabrine, Paul Westphal
Pick: Let's think about this. Rick Fox, the best player with ADHD ever to wear #44 for the Celtics in the mid-90's, pulled a Benedict Arnold by signing with the Lakers and donned a #17 jersey claiming he was wearing it "because the Celtics would never reach number 17." What a douche. Joe Forte led the Celtics in punching people in the face and trying to stab people in pickup games. Montross was slower and whiter than OJ Simpson's Bronco, and Joe Wolf looks like Joe Dirt. Southern Cal graced us with Hall of Famer Bill Sharman and of course, the man who supplies I*Heart*Celtics with 98% of its jokes, Brian Scalabrine. We love the Veal, and I love USC in this game. USC kick's Psycho-T's annoying ass, Trojans 76, Heels 70.
Vanderbilt - None. Although they did have some notable players turn pro. By notable players I mean Will Purdue.
vs.
Georgetown - Charles Smith (1986-1987). Don't know who this guy is, but he sounds like he had a lot of upside and quite the wingspan.
Pick: Jesuit discipline beats faux-military grit. I still want Derrick Byers on the Celtics next year, but I gotta pick G-Town in this one, 68-62.
UNLV - Arthur LaMarcus Banks, III,
vs.
Oregon - Jim Loscutoff, Luke Jackson (honorable mention)
Pick: I admit it. I loved Marcus Banks. Speed, defense, and intimidation is a rare combination in the NBA, and this kid had it. Unfortunately Danny Ainge didn't like him, neither did Doc, nor did many other people for inexplicable reasons. Thus I am going to have to honor Oregon in this one, mostly because of Jim Loscutoff's insistance that the Celtics retire his nickname instead of his number on the Celtics retired numbers banner. Bold. Ducks 81-79.
Butler - None. The last person to go to the NBA out of Butler was in 1972.
vs.
Florida - Orien "Vehicular Homicide" Greene, Andrew "The Traveling Soldier" Declercq, Duane "The Tie-Dyed Terror" Schintzius.
Pick: Sorry Butler, I'll be rooting for you but this one was over before it even started. The Celtics' Gator Alumni triple threat could overpower just about anyone. Although if I am subjected to Joe Kim Noah dancing or his obnoxious kitten purring every time he touches the ball, I might tear my eyes and ears out. And if those damned commentators start talking for the 500000th time about how 4 of the 5 Gator starters live together I will punch my TV and crush a Keystone light 24-ounce can on my head. Florida 79-72.
News and Notes: Trouble In Paradise, McRoberts Cries His Way to the NBA
-There is some whining among bench players about playing time for the C's. "Bench players" means "Sebastian Telfair", clearly, and if you really want my opinion he should do something other than brick threes and foul people when they DO scrape his mopey, short, overpaid, well-dressed, rapper-shooting ass off the bench.
-Kevin Durant is reportedly stressed out about his decision to go pro or not. What a pickle. Go to the NBA... make dozens of millions of dollars... become international icon... have your pick of all the fly mamas that Delonte hasn't gotten to first... OR stay at Texas, make no money, have scouts pick you apart because they're bitter you didn't go out earlier, and play for a coach as ignorant as a whole classroom of Poultry Science students at Texas A&M. Don't know where he's going to go with that one. Go pro, dummy!
Let's face it, despite the fact that Texas A&M offers it as a minor, "Bracketology" is a soft science. My bracket is more busted than Delonte West's bathroom mirror; More busted than Orien Greene's transmission after picking up his kid's at soccer practice; More busted than Scal's high school promdate; More busted than Kandi-Man with a pack of zigzags and a visine bottle at a cop convention!!!
Picking teams based on a mixture of favoritism, coaching, and regular-season performance never done nobody no good, especially me. So instead of trying to out think the pundits for tonight's games via my usual, ineffective methods, I have devised a novel plan: pick the winner based on which Celtics (and former Celtics) played for each team. Below I have listed the matchups for the four games tonight, and after each school I listed which Celtics call each of them their alma mater. After each list, I pick a winner. Easy as that...let's dance!
Southern Illinois - Chris Carr (Celtics 2000-2001) vs. University of Kansas - Paul Pierce, JoJo White, Raef LaFrentz
Pick: Kansas blows apart the Saluki defense, somewhere in Oregon Raef blows out his knee again, and the Jayhawks win by 12.
Memphis - Andre Turner (1986-1987) vs. Texas A&M - No one.
Pick: As Andre Turner and perhaps his mom will still tell you, "No one is better than Andre Turner," so we'll have to listen to the man. A&M will end Memphis' monster Conference USA winning streak in a close one. A&M by 4.0, coincidentally the average GPA of every student in the school's mandatory student-athlete poultry science course.
Pittsburgh - Mark "Retarded Giraffe" Blount vs. UCLA - Bill Walton, Tyus Edney, Jerome Moiso, Sidney Wicks
Pick: Though Moiso was a bust, Blount is a bitch. UCLA by 6.
Tennessee - Steve Hamer (1996-1997) vs. THE Ohio State - John Havlicek
Pick: Although the first half might be "Hamer time" for the Vols, look for Havlicek's sixth-man style to kick in down the stretch and win this crazy game of poker for the Buckeyes. OSU by 3.
Tune in the same time tomorrow for my picks for tomorrow night's games!
-Yes, it's true, a man was given probation for having sex with a dead deer. Despite early reports indicating that it was our old friend Kevin Pittsnogle, it turns out it was some doofus by the name of "Bryan James Hathaway". His parents must be very proud.
SUPERIOR, Wis. --A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.
The real question that goes unanswered: was it good for the dead deer? The other question is, was it this guy's first time?
He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision on that charge as well as six years of probation for taking and driving a vehicle without the owner's consent.
Nothing's worse than waking up in the morning to find your horse shot in the face and some teenager humping it.
"The type of behavior is disturbing," Judge Michael Lucci said. "It's disturbing to the public. It's disturbing to the court."
Agreed. However, Eddie Griffin has the DVD playing in his SUV as we speak!
-Kobe is denying that he called Kevin Durant about signing with Nike. In fact, he is supposedly "furious". My prediction is that he clubs a European dude in the face to retaliate.
-Ron Artest is appearing in court today, charged with four misdemeanors stemming from his "punch wife in the face and don't let her call the cops" incident. An attorney says:
"It's not a very serious case," said attorney Jem Martin, who has handled hundreds of domestic violence cases over the past decade, first as a public defender and now in private practice. "If it's not Ron Artest, it would go away."
As for potential sentencing, Martin said: "Technically Artest's maximum exposure is three years in county jail -- but that will never happen. In a situation like this, in Sacramento County anyway, the very worst case would be some community service."
What did the community ever do to deserve Ron Artest's service?!?
He would come home from kindergarten and brag to Zoe about what he had learned. At Lawrence North, he took calculus as a senior and other college-level math courses for two years and earned a 3.8 grade-point average.
Impressive! I'm sure he set the SAT's on fire, as well.
Oden still keeps in contact with McCord. When Oden called her two weeks ago, he talked about how much he liked his History of Rock & Roll class and told her a funny story about one of his friends. They never mentioned basketball.
"If you take basketball away from him, I don't think he's going to lay down and die on us," Keefer said. "He wants to be an accountant."
Good gravy... I mean, this guy could be playing for the Celtics next year, so I feel a little bad ripping this guy, but he goes to Ohio State. Andy Katzenmoyer Ohio State. Maurice Clarett Ohio State. 10 percent graduation rate Ohio State. He takes 2 classes, one of which is the History of Rock and Roll. The other, Sociology... well... is that a helluva lot more useful? Does that schedule even COUNT as "going to college"?!? Two classes a semester? Does he even satisfy the FRESHMAN MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS to go on to his sophomore year? Now he wants to be an accountant??!? I mean, prospects get the benefit of the doubt. Their people fudge the stats a little in terms of height, weight, vertical leap, etc... but you can't tell me that kid is smart enough, or academically motivated enough, to be a friggin' accountant. I guess if he gets straight A's in that grueling four-credit hour schedule I will change
If anybody ever tells you that these kids should stay in school to get a degree, pass up tens of millions in earnings PER YEAR, so they can get a useless degree in "Communications" or "Liberal Studies" which would qualify them for a $35,000/year paper pushing job... do them a favor and punch them directly in the testicles.
COMMUNIST BOBCATS DESTROY CELTICS IN THE FOURTH QUARTER; C'S BLOW 9-POINT LEAD; I*HEART*CELTICS PUZZLED AT OUTCOME
I sort of stopped paying attention during the fourth quarter of this game. Why worry? The Celtics were up by 9 points, the Bobcats looked mostly incompetent, Jefferson and Pierce were both shooting well... what's the worst that could happen? I was puttering around and the next thing I know, the Celtics were losing! Then, they were losing even more! I was too stunned to be pissed, and even now I don't quite understand how the Celtics lost this game.
No one played too poorly for the C's... nobody on the Bobcats was too amazing (Alan Anderson's 14 points in 9 minutes notwithstanding). Doc was a dummy for allowing the Bobcat to go on run... after run... after run... but what else is new?
Let's go to the superlatives.
MVP: This one has to go to Alan Anderson. What. the. hell.
LVP: Bassie. 6 minutes, 1 foul. Way to earn those minutes. However, I heard he was dressed very nicely after the game.
"I watched Larry Bird. You, Sir, are no Larry Bird" Award: Adam Morrison. 21 minutes, 1-7 FG, 1 rebound, 2 assists. Um... when Larry Bird was a rookie he averaged 21 points and 10 rebounds per game. He brought a 29-53 team to the Eastern Conference Finals. Morrison's greatest achievement as a rookie has been smoking 10 zit-faced fatty middle schoolers in a game of Halo 2 using the handle "Chairman Mao 4 Eva!!!"
UP NEXT: Friday the Celtics get a second chance to beat the Mavs. The last time these two TITANS squared off, the C's took a lead into halftime before sputtering down the stretch. Sound familiar?
-Danny Ainge has taken a break from mackin' on Mrs. Durant to head over to Red China and scout some 7-foot dude named Yi Jianlian. This makes me very, very nervous because this Chinaman is a potential sleeper. If you'll look at Danny's draft history, he has benefitted greatly from other teams' incompetence (Jefferson and Gerald spring to mind) and his own good eye for lower-round talent (Allen, DWest, Gomes), but has never had to deal with a top pick. Let's all sacrifice a goat to the basketball gods in hoping that he doesn't psyche himself out.
-Michael Jordan is playing a lot of basketball with OJ Mayo recently, which is just about the most outrageous violation of the supposed "team execs can't talk to players with college eligibilty" rule of all time. Danny got fined $30,000 just for putting the moves on Mrs. Durant (not even Kevin!). Meanwhile, Michael Jordan is hooping it up with OJ every day of the damn week. It might backfire, however, if Jordan calls the kid a "faggot", grills him publicly, and makes him cry... all for the glorification of his own massive ego.
-Speaking of OJ, he's got a ton of potential to be a gold medalist in the Douche Bag Olympics. Reading this article in the NY Times confirmed my long-held suspicions. Sure, he got caught with weed or whatever, no biggie... but talking trash with MJ? Sending one of your sketchy "event promotor" people named Ronald to tell a coach you'd be taking one of his scholarships? Not letting the Coach call you? Telling the Coach that he didn't have to worry about recruiting? Getting in to fights? Switching schools willy-nilly? Having a judge overrule a suspension so you can play in a big game? Ending your high school career by getting thrown out of the game?
I hate that kid! Of course, if the Celtics somehow obtain him, I will love him like my own son.
-I*Heart*Celtics' favorite Net, Antoine Wright, has been in the news lately after an interview with Bob "Puff Piece" Costas. In the interview, he said,
"(Basketball players are) in poultry science for a reason . . . to get this grade [not] learn about chickens."
People are all fired up about it. Why would he club his school like that? Well, first of all, Texas A&M should be renamed Troglodyte University. Second, in related news, here is Greg Oden's class schedule this semester at THE Ohio State University. Two courses- Sociology and History of Rock and Roll. His exams apparantly consist of listening to music and identifying the song. Yes, his EXAMS are the "Music Quiz" game on an Ipod. I'm sure that makes David Stern happy to know that these kids are learning so much in their year before the NBA. Oden makes Andy Katzenmoyer's grueling "Golf" and "AIDS" awareness courseload look like an physics PhD student at MIT.
Also, I*Heart*Celtics would like to send a "congrats" to Antoine Wright's brother for getting out of prison.
Did anyone watch the whole game last night? You know, the one against the New Orleans Hornets? It was an awful, awful game... and it took me back to the first game of what could have been a playoff season... which was painful, but you know what? I didn't care all that much. The Celtics took a lead into halftime against the Mavs and barely lost, then went out and put the wood to the frikkin' San Antonio Spurs... so getting blown out by a sub-average team didn't bother me all that much.
The Celtics led by 5 at the end of the first quarter and scored a grand total of NINE POINTS in the second. By the end of the third, the score was- prepare yourself- 86-58.
I am not going to dwell on this baby too long as I just explained, but I won't skimp on the superlatives.
Chairman of the Board: Paul Pierce... 11-18 from the floor for 28 points.
LVP: Delonte. He played 33 minutes for 4 points and 3 rebounds. Plus, he got torched by whoever he was guarding almost every time down the floor. He plays better defense on his crazy ex-girlfriend's wrists.
Scal Watch: AWOL!
WTF Award: Rondo had more shot attempts than Al Jefferson. Rondo shoots 38% from the floor, Jefferson shoots 51%. WTF!?
UP NEXT! Wednesday at home against the Communist Bobcats.
'Socks' Artest Put Into Protective Custody; I*Heart*Celtics Obtains Exclusive Photograph of Hungry Pup
The LA Times is reporting that 'Socks' Artest is being taken out of protective custody.
Not that Ron Artest's life is a mess, but his lawyer just got custody of his Great Dane in a foster-care agreement. The county took the dog in a neglect case before Artest's arrest on suspicion of domestic abuse. The bad news is that Artest had counseling and stopped taking medication.
Beating up a stockbroker? Pretty bad. Slapping your wife? Horrible. However, we've said this before, but it takes a special kind of asshole to starve a dog. It is alarming that Ron-Ron is off his meds. I*Heart*Celtics perscribes 10,000 swift kicks to the groin.
After a historic victory against the San Antonio Spurs in which he got his third "DNP" of the season, Rajon Rondo grabbed 14 rebounds, and Delonte had 23 points, Sebastian Telfair started bitching to Peter May.
(Telfair has) gone from starter to reserve to afterthought. During his first season in Boston, Sebastian Telfair has shown chutzpah, such as guaranteeing a playoff berth before the start of training camp. While that guarantee rings hollow now, so, too, does all the hoopla and hope that came with Telfair's relocation from the West Coast.
He still doesn't understand why he's been demoted. And he firmly believes people are down on him in part because so many were high on him not that long ago.
I'll make it simple for Telfair. Here are the reasons why he doesn't get many minutes.
1) He never attacks the basket. 2) He never pushes the pace. 3) His best move is standing still and dribbling the shot clock down. 4) He can't shoot from the perimeter, shoot from midrange, or make shots in the lane. 5) His consistantly overpursues on defense. 6) The two biggest stories that he has been involved in this season- a rapper getting shot and for his apparantly killer fashion sense.
Telfair has been an unmitigated disaster. How does he respond? Well, in the words of the wise sage Peter May:
Telfair said he is discouraged. He is disappointed. He is confused. He doesn't think he did anything to deserve going from starter to sub to seldom-used sub. To his credit, he has handled the situation very well, not pointing fingers or complaining.
I had to read that last sentence a couple times. I was confused. Isn't Telfair's complaining the subject of the friggin' article?
"If that's what it is, that's what it is. I got taken out of the starting lineup. Then I got taken out of the rotation. That's pretty difficult to deal with, being on the bench, knowing you can play.
"You've got to be discouraged about it. But there's nothing you can do but continue working, keep your head in there and hope you get another shot, try to be ready when your name is called, and understand why you're not playing and learn from those things."
Now, here's Telfair's biggest flaw...
Does he understand? "No," he said. "I don't."
He's either stupid, or arrogant, or stupidly arrogant. What does he bring to the floor that Delonte and Rondo can't do better?
Telfair is a good player that truly believes he is a great player. That can be a good or bad thing. Good- it gives him the confidence to be great. Bad- it turns him into a petulant pissant when things don't go his way. Anyone who has watched "Through the Fire" sees that Bitchy fits into the second category. If he wants to get more minutes, he needs to change his game to focus on his strengths. He's not a scorer, which my man Doc Rivers points out so wisely in this very same article. He's also not a walk-the-ball up, Mark Jackson-style point either. He's a speed burner with outstanding ball-handling skills. When he played like that in the summer, he was outstanding. In the regular season, the only big games he has are when his shot is falling, which happens roughly once out of every seven or so games.
Plus, the idea that Telfair has somehow earned more minutes is ridiculous. First ofa ll, he never earned them in the first place! We all know that! Remember the beginning of the season, when Delonte was playing 10 minutes a game after a career year? The Celtics' front office handed Telfair the starting spot because they traded Randy Foye for him. His summer league performance was spotty at best. Look at his stats this year compared to last. He has not improved in any area other than turnovers (lower), free throw percentage, and blocks per game (launching from .1 BPG to .2BPG). Meanwhile, Delonte was Sophomore Team All-Star last year and Rondo is improving rapidly. How does Bitchy respond? Better shot selection? Non-spastic defense? No... by participating in a Peter May puff piece complaining right after the biggest moment in the season for his team.
Bassie, if you want to go down in history as the biggest draft-day bust since Jerome Moiso, continue the present course. (By the way, I found out this weekend that Moiso is playing for Fortitudo Pallacanestro Bologna in Italy alongside Tyus Edney. Small world!) If he wants to get more minutes, he should probably get one of his boys to give Delonte and Rajon the 'ol Fabolus treatment. Otherwise, he should realize that he's a shoot-first guard that can't shoot, work his ass off, and earn his minutes instead of just getting them handed to him because he came in with a lot of fanfare.
Bottom line- he's a multimillionaire, he's an underachiever, and he's whining about how others treat him. Nice trade, Daniel!
Gotta give credit to our boys over at Sports Illustrated for breaking this story. We heart you guys and gals!
The Boston Celtics were fined $30,000 as a result of contact that took place between executive director Danny Ainge and Durant's family members at a Big 12 tournament game on March 10.
What does that mean? Well, apparantly, NBA clubs can't have any kind of contact with the family of a player that has college eligibility remaining. We all saw Danny sitting right next to Mrs. Durant at the Big 12 Championship. I mean, it couldn't be more obvious. Of course, Danny had some lame-ass excuse.
He was later quoted as saying that he was seated next to her by accident and that he had no control over his ticket location.
Additionally, the new Lincoln Navigator in Durant's driveway was "just parked there for the next couple months because I don't have anywhere else to put it." The $20,000 in cash in Durant's student mailbox? "Accidentally misplaced." The hand on Mrs. Durant's thigh? "Blown out of proportion." The tongue in her ear? "Totally platonic."
As for me, I am STOKED that Danny is pushing hard for Durant. Sure, a $30,000 fine for trying to sleep with a potential lottery pick's mom is a little steep... but at least Durant knows that Danny is trying harder than any other NBA GM to get him. You gotta do what you gotta do... for Kelvin Sampson, it's making 550 illegal phone calls. For Michigan, it was stuffing 8th graders' pockets with cash. For Danny, it's trying to pork Kevin Durant's mom.
A St. Patricks day miracle!!!The Celtics beat the SPURS for the first time in 18 games! It was the first time they've won in San Antonio since Larry Bird was in uniform. While Bill Simmons is gently weeping on Chad Ford's shoulder, the rest of Celtics fans are going nuts. This is like winning the Championship for this team. With a banged up lottery bound team the C's marched into San Antonio and b*tch slapped the Spurs. Pierce torured Bowen all night long with 30 points and Delonte and Big Al did there thang. There is no question that this team with Pierce healthy they can contend. Especially when they have a healthy team (getting Tony Allen back). They beat the Spurs with the Kandi man playing 20 plus minutes and no Gomes. Gerald Green only had 2 points (despite it being the most significant 2 points of the game).. This was unbelievable. Any Celtics haters thinking Pierce is bolting, or they need to win the draft, better recignize. Pierce, Jefferson, West single handedly beat the frickin' spurs last night. The Celtics are the real deal bitches.
The NCAA tourney starts today, and we've all filled out our brackets. However, thousands upon billions of people have emailed me personally to ask who they should root for as a Celtics fan. There is a lot at stake here. The tourney can improve the morale of the players we need (i.e. Paul Pierce), destroy the psyche of the players that are expendable (Kandi Man is apparantly so crushed that Pacific didn't make it this year that he smoked an extra three ounces of PCP-laced weed this morning). It can also improve the Celtics' chances in the draft, not only for their first-round pick but for their second rounders. Let's break it down.
ST LOUIS This is a difficult bracket for a Celtics fan. Do we want Florida to play well and improve the draft stock of Noah, Brewer, and Horford? Absolutely. Danny may be dumb enough to trade his Shark Bites for Fig Newtons at the lunch table, but he does know how to draft. However, some of the other idiots in the first round don't. The more options you give lottery GM's, the better chance they have to screw it up. Will it happen? Probably not. Could it happen? ABSOLUTELY. Look at the number 1 picks... some of them are, uh, less than stellar. FLORIDA over Jackson State.
Similarly, that honkey on Arizona has serious Luke Jackson appeal. If he has a big game against Purdue and Florida, his stock could skyrocket, tempting our cracker-loving GM. However, if you look closely, Danny has never drafted a whitey, just traded for them. ARIZONA over Purdue.
As for Butler and ODU, who the f*ck cares. We'll go with Old Dominion because the are the 12 seed, which the Celtics someday aspire to be in the Eastern Conference. OLD DOMINION over Butler.
DAVIDSON over Maryland (bad karma for the whole "Len Bias" situation)
NOTRE DAME (they're the Irish!) over Winthrop (which is in Dickau/Jackson territory, Washington State)
Speaking of Jackson, the school he skipped classes at while playing basketball, Oregon, is a three seed against Wally's alma mater, Miami of Ohio. Both are slow white dudes who jack up threes, but at least Wally makes one once in a while. MIAMI OF OHIO over Oregon.
UNLV (Paul Pierce lives in Vegas) over the Georgia Institute of Technology (or as Stephon Marbury calls it, Georgia Tech University, that f*cking dumbass). I have heard that Georgia Tech has some nasty freshman, though, so we should root for a HUGE game in a close loss from that guy. Muddy the waters a bit!
The Celtics may benefit from Wisconsin losing because then Arlando Tucker might slip to the second round, where Danny could snap him up. Sure, it would require that a powerhouse lose to a school I have never heard of, but hey, some Celtics fans dream about getting the Big Ticket. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But, TEXAS A&M - CC over Wisconsin... COULD HAPPEN.
Then, FLORIDA over Arizona (with the Arizona whitey having a heroic effort in loss), ODU over Davidson, MIAMI OF OHIO over Notre Dame (giving Wally extra strength to come back with a vengeance this year and regain his trade value for the offseason), UNLV over Texas A&M CC.
In the Elite 8, we got FLORIDA over Old Dominion, UNLV (Pierce's boys) over Miami of Ohio (Wally's boytoys), with FLORIDA beating UNLV to get to the Final Four. At this time, Chad Ford puts both Noah and Horford in the top five on the draft board and writes a cryptic post about how they might have more upside than Oden or Durant. Ex-cellent........
SAN JOSE
KANSAS (Pierce) over whoever won that stupid play-in game. This serves two purposes. One- make Pierce happy, as he is still a huge Kansas fan, which would make him less likely to demand a trade this offseason. Two- improve the draft stock of the already-overrated Julian Wright.
KENTUCKY over Villanova. Rondo is better than Ray, plus the Celtics have had a million Kentucky players over the years when they were truly awful. Good times...
VIRGINIA TECH over Illinois because they are ranked higher. Who really cares?
HOLY CROSS over Southern Illinois. Heinsohn and the Cooz went to the Cross... need I say more?
VCU over Duke. The last Dukie that I remember playing for the C's? You guessed it, Alaa Abdelnaby. Tempting to pick Duke.... until I remember that my hatred for Duke is rivalled only by my hatred for Al-Qaida. Plus, I think McRoberts is MORE likely to bolt if the Dukies get absolutely destroyed, considering he almost left last year. This would muddle the lottery even more because for some unknown reason scouts love his sour crybaby demeanor, clumsiness, and lack of production.
PITT over Wright State. Aaron Gray is a big white goon, but he could still be a lottery pick if the right dumbass is pulling the trigger. Hope it happens. Wins in the tourney are like beer goggles for NBA GM's.
GONZAGA over Indiana. Danny Dickau, the best damn secuirty guard the BankNorth Garden has ever seen, went to Gonzaga. Larry Bird said, "Screw you" to Indiana, so should we.
UCLA over Wright State. This one is tough, because UCLA has several players that would be great for the C's (Collison and Arrafalo, and I know I spelled that wrong). However, these players won't bolt early and slip to the second round so it doens't really matter. No matter how well UCLA plays, chances are their best players will be taken by smart teams in the end of the first round whenever they choose to go out.
Then, for the Sweet Sixteen, Pierce needs all the love he can get, so he gets the nod, KANSAS over Kentucky. HOLY CROSS curb stomps the Hokies, Aaron Gray's draft stock continues to soar when PITT beats VCU, and all of Dan Dick's praying goes toward Jesus choosing GONZAGA over UCLA.
For the Elite 8, Pierce's need for love outweighs Cooz and Tommy's need for nostalgia, KANSAS over Holy Cross. GONZAGA over the godless heathens at Pitt.
For the Final Four, you know I'm going with KANSAS. Smile, Paul!
EAST RUTHERFORD (AKA America's Butthole)
Joe Forte was a douchebag in Scooby-Doo's clothing, destoying all of my Montross-inspired good will towards the Tar Heels. I am going with EASTERN KENTUCKY over Carolina.
MICHIGAN STATE over Marquette because otherwise Nic and Chap's dad will throw his TV clear onto Route 2.
USC (Scalabrine) over Arkansas (Joe Johnson). Scalabrine is a loveable lardass, while Johnson is a reminder of the years of pain during the late 90's. Plus, Big Al said "Screw you" to Arkansas, and he's the best post player in the Eastern Conference, so I will share his opinion.
TEXAS over New Mexico State. This one is for you, Chris Mihm!
GEORGE WASHINGTON over Vandy. Vandy graduated Skip Bayless. George Washington graduated GEORGE F*CKING WASHINGTON. Right? Who cares. Advantage: Colonials.
WASHINGTON STATE over Oral Roberts. Jesus is too busy rooting for the Zags, and even he and his Dad think Oral Roberts is for crazy assholes.
BOSTON COLLEGE (Dana Barros?!? John Bagley?!? TROY BELL?!?) over Texas Tech. However, I have to post this out of respect to Bobby Knight.
Little Doc's school, GEORGETOWN takes down Belmont. Why should we reward Doc, you ask? Well, because he's a good dude and I like him. I don't care what you think.
As for the Sweet 16, to keep Nic and Chap out of seclusion, it's gotta be MICHIGAN STATE over Eastern Kentucky, TEXAS over USC (because the idea of Durant in Green is better than Scal will ever be in reality), GEORGE WASHINGTON over Washington State, GEORGETOWN over Boston College.
In the Elite 8, we get TEXAS over Michigan State and GEORGETOWN over George Washington. TEXAS defeats Georgetown to go to the Final Four, prompting Doc to go rushing down to DC to join the Georgetown staff for next season.
SAN ANTONIO
We need more and more Greg Oden hype. The more the better. The Celtics will probably get the second pick, and if it's a no-brainer that Oden is the #1, the Celtics will get the real prize- Durant!
BYU (Danny Ainge) over Xavier (which is most likely named after the X-Man, Xavier McDaniel). One won championships (as a player), one dunked on elementary school kids at basketball camps. Advantage: BYU.
LONG BEACH STATE over Tennessee. Pierce and DJ grew up in the Long Beach area, while Kevin Pittsnogle calls the Volunteers "uppity".
ALBANY over Virginia so Sean Singletary will stay in school to bitchslap the Dukies again next year.
STANFORD over Lousville. Hopefully, Stanford's drunken mascot will puke all over Pitino's $10,000 suit. I also want to inform anyone that has a VHS copy of the "Rick Pitino Show" that God is planning to strike you down with lightning if you don't post it on Youtube.
TEXAS A&M over Penn. Penn is in Philly, and Philly sucks. Boo Philly.
CREIGHTON (Jesuits) over Nevada (gamblers). Good for Boston karma.
NORTH TEXAS over Memphis. Perk would have gone to Memphis, but he was too good for them. By association, that makes me too good to pick them.
As for the Sweet Sixteen, OHIO STATE over BYU, LONG BEACH STATE over Albany, STANFORD over Texas A&M, CREIGHTON over North Texas. In the Elite 8, It's OHIO STATE over Long Beach State, CREIGHTON over Stanford. For the Final 4, it's OHIO STATE!
FINAL FOUR
Yes, the perfect matchup for Celtics fans. Texas and Ohio State. Florida and Kansas. The future of the franchise hangs in the balance.
OHIO STATE defeats Texas. Durant has a terrible game because Rick Barnes can't run a play for him and I'd rather have D.J. Scribble playing point than D.J. Augustine. Oden dominates. Durant gets super pissed at Barnes, flips out, and punches him the face. Character issues immediately become a question even though anybody would have done the same thing in the situation. Durant immediately declares for the Draft.
KANSAS nips Florida. Noah plays out of his mind, ultimately losing on a 35 point, 9 rebound effort from Julian Wright. Both players rocket up the ranks. Durant falls. Pierce celebrates all the way to...
KANSAS ripping Oden and Ohio State in the final after another huge game from Wright. Now, all of a sudden, there are FOUR players considered to be top-2 eligible. The Celtics no longer need to worry about getting the top pick, and Pierce is so happy he parties all summer and forgets to demand a trade. The Celtics draft Durant in the first round, Arlando Tucker in the second, Doc bails, the Celtics hire one of the Suns' assistants who is committed to run the ball, and the C's cruise to championship after championship. It could happen, so root your little hearts out!
Tyronne Lue? Anthony Johnson? Esteban Batista? I thought the Celtics were playing basketball against the cast of Hills Have Eyes last night. What a horror show.
Anyway, the game was a bloodbath. The Celtics got an early lead, then extended it to 9 points at the half when Rajon Rondo hit a spinning shot from halfcourt at the buzzer. It was redick.
There were no huge scorers for the C's, it was a team effort. Jefferson had 23, Pierce had 17, Rondo had 13(and 10 dimes), West had 10, and PERKINS had 12 points and 12 boards. Yes, he has been hobbled and playing terribly. Yes, his confidence was probably damaged worse than Scals' toilet bowl after he hit up Chuck-O-Rama last weekend. But here he was, DRIBBLING IN THE OPEN COURT (?!?), slamming it home, shoving people all over the place. It was a sight to behold.
Let's get straight to the superlatives. I will admit that I watched "LOST" last night instead of doing it last night, but I have NO REGRETS.
MVP: Peeeeerk. Great to have him back. He's very, very good when he can MOVE. Dammit, this stuff drives me nuts.
WALLY CAN'T PLAY ON BROKEN ANKLES. DELONTE CAN'T PLAY IF HE CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT. Now, Tony Allen did have quite a run while wear a stylish ankle bracelet...
LVP: Royal Ivey. I love his name, but my man Nic once described him as Allen Iverson without the talent. Wait a minute, isn't that Allen Iverson? Oh snap! Sorry, I was kidding... the Nuggets are great now that he's arrived and MAN have the Sixers sucked since he left.
Doc's Suit: I don't remember, but Greg Dickerson said that the huddles were "a lot of fun when the Celtics have a lead". Good to know.
Scal Watch: He was smacking people all over the place. I was loving it!
UP NEXT: Easy win on Friday against the slumping Dallas Mavericks. If you're a coke dealer, expect Mark Cuban to be calling you up either today or tomorrow.
The Celtics got beaten tonight. The last time I remember the Celtics beating the Bulls, Rick Pitino was our new head coach and the Bulls had MJ and Scottie. Since then, it's been abysmal.
This game was weird. The Bulls were wearing these bizarre green uniforms that drove me insane, Ben Wallace was hitting turnaround jump shots, and the biggest dickhead on two legs- Tyrus Thomas- had a career night. You see, the Celtics implemented the genius "only guard Gordon, Hinrich, and Deng" strategy, which was about as intelligent as Gordon's pizza cooking strategy.
Just so you know, Ben W-w-w-w-w-ALLACE went 9-21 from the floor for 19 points. He also had 16 rebounds. Yes, no one was guarding him. However, he actually hit some jumpers, which I have never seen before.
The Celtics had a better night than the last time they played the Bulls, but they were never really in the running. The alarming trend as of late is that Pierce, Delonte, and Jefferson are the only players that score. Rondo had 3 points. Perk had 8, to his credit, but he was the next highest scorer. I guess with Tony Allen, Wally, and Gomes out, the Celtics miss a lot of their mid-range and perimeter scoring, but it is frustrating to watch Gerald have these 2-7 nights again... and again....
On to the superlatives.
MVP: Ben Wallace. The sound you just heard was Nic popping a raging mega huge boner.
LVP: Thabo Sefolosha. I don't know you, but when I try to say your name it sounds like I am blasting a wet fart out of my mouth. Also, you went 0-2 tonight in 8 minutes of uselessness.
Doc's Suit: A Finally, a little color. Doc's suits are usually drab and depressing, so it was nice to see a little splash of a nice spring blue.
Scal Watch: Tommy was singing his praises, but he was 1-5 from the floor with 4 awful fouls. It looked like he was playing basketball wearing oven mitts.
UP NEXT: Hawks at home tomorrow night. I watched the epic Bird vs. Nique game on ESPN Classic today. I predict this game will not be as good.
Today, on Boston.com, Gary Dzeden detailed Scal’s March Madness bracket. scal's breakdown Dzeden begins his article clearly misrepresenting the facts by saying “with his (scal’s) tommy heinsohn bobble head in one hand and his USC foam finger in the other.” What Dzeden fails to tell you is that it was not a tommy heinsohn doll at all, it was a DDP wrestling buddy and the foam finger was deep fried.
So anyways, Scal breaks down each region in full detail. In the east, he likes the top seeds to advance and “ don’t call Scal a homer (or a homo)” because he has USC losing to Texas. And why do you like Georgetown to come out on top of that region Scal? “Coach’s son plays there, so I like Georgetown.”
As for the South region,Dzeden makes this comment, “Scalabrine is picking against Tennessee in this region, but it’s not because of his intricate knowledge of basketball strategy.” Really? Gary Dzeden, you’re going with Scal has intricate knowledge of basketball strategy? Another statement that gives Scal more credit than he has ever earned. What makes everyone think that he knows so much about basketball strategy? Now, I actually like Scal and think he fits well with the Celts as a man that really doesn’t need to do anything, but how has he proven that he has great basketball knowledge? The fact that he waddles up and down the court, clobbering any player he can catch up with does not mean that he has basketball knowledge? Scal goes on to explain his predicted upset of Long Beach State over Tennesee, “Although I’ve never seen Long State Beach play, I’m not a fan of Tennessee.” Good luck Tennesee. Without Scal’s backing, there’s no way you are going anywhere, If I were you, I wouldn’t even show up to the tournament.
“You want upsets” Dzeden writes, “Scal’s got lots of them in the Midwest.” ODU over Butler, Winthrop over Notre Dame, but in the end Florida and Oregon duke it out to go to the final four with Florida advancing. In the West “sorry Holy Cross, Scal doesn’t like you either.” Holy Cross loses in the first round to Southern Illinois. In the end Scal has UCLA going to the final four. Way to hold allegiance to your USC Trojans, I heard Scal wanted the Lakers to win it all as well.
In the Championship game, Scal has UCLA beating Georgetown. Okay, so at the end of the day, Scal chooses teams with his heart, which is how he plays basketball. The man is all passion with little ability. Now for the pointand the one reason I decided to write this article was to say, WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT BRIAN SCALABRINE HAS TO SAY ABOUT MARCH MADNESS AND WHY IS IT ON THE FRONT PAGE OF BOSTON.COM?
TONIGHT: Celtics vs. "Tombstone" Gordon and the Bulls
Whenever I see Ben Gordon play, I am reminded of this story, courtesy of Deadspin reader Brian, who is a hero in my mind simply for sharing this story..
I went to UConn and saw current Bulls and former Huskies guard Ben Gordon at a party. This genius took a Tombstone pizza out of someone's freezer and unwrapped the plastic. Instead of popping this pizza into the oven, he turned a stovetop burner on and placed the pizza on there. Failing to take the cardboard off of the bottom, Ben's pizza started smoking up the entire apartment til the owner noticed and yelled across a crowded party "what the hell are you doing?" Ben replied in kind: "Chill son, I'm cooking suttin."
Looking back at the optimism surrounding the Celtics at this point in history is pretty depressing. Its a pretty funny clip, although haunting to see Billups in a Celtics uniform and Vin Baker being hailed as a savior. Hopefully we've come a long way since this...
