While the 2006-2007 regular season was either lackluster or humilating, depending on whether you were rooting for the Celtics or not, the behavior of our favorite deplorable human beings did not disappoint off the court. Here is our list of the top 16 NBA Crimes of the Year.
16)
Lonny Baxter Tries To Assassinate the President
BP Says: You'd think that after his NBA career fizzled out, Lonny Baxter would settle for a career making pretty good money in a Bulgarian League or something. No way. Lonny Baxter instead decided to drive around the President's house firing gunshots out the window. We knew it would be a solid season in NBA crime when fatass journeymen were plotting to kill the president in August.
Sullivan Says: I've only known two people in my life named Lonny: one of them fired a gun in close proximity to the White House, and the other one banged her first cousin. You tell me which is the more dispicable moron.
15) The NBA All-Star Game
BP Says: While the NFL's crime record absolutely pummels the NBA's year after year, and PacMan Jones was the big story coming out of this weekend, nothing brought more attention to NBA Crime than the All-Star game. We here at I*Heart*Celtics can't put this one too high on the list because we will remember the All-Star game for Gerald's virtuoso performance in the Slam Dunk contest, but anytime someone drops the "Black KKK" bomb to describe an NBA event like Jason Whitlock did, or Scoop Jackson makes a
"Freaknik" reference and picks a fight with Bill Simmons, of all people... it warrants a spot on our list. The rumor is that Presidential candidate John McCain was outraged, and gave a personal call to David Stern insisting that the All-Star game be held in a secure, safe area. He recommended Baghdad.
Sullivan Says: If for no other reason, this years' all-star game was important for bringing the phrase "makin' it rain" into the white suburban vernacular. On school playgrounds across the country, young boys and girls--until now arch-nemeses on the blacktop--united to drizzle their Barbie Dolls in Monopoly money and shoot each other with stick guns when that cheap, selfish, fat kid tried to take his funny money back. Cack-Ka-Cack-Cack Sucka!
14)
The Flip Murray ShootingBP Says: Here's the scene- Ronald "Flip" Murray invites some fly honey to follow him home from some clubbing at 2am, only to have a couple of masked dudes come flying out of nowhere shooting seemingly at random. To his credit, he didn't do anything wrong. To his detriment, he hangs out in places where masked gunmen also hang out. Fittingly, he bounced back the next night to hit a buzzer-beating jumper to beat the Celtics in the final game of the season. Our guess is that he deals with masked gunmen pretty regularly, so he can bounce back quickly from an incident.
Sullivan Says: At first look, one might be tempted to think that a man who goes by the name "Flip" might be predisposed to hang out with the wrong crowd. After all, his name evokes infamous felony-addict Busta Rhymes, whose Flip Mode squad
can't even film a video without someone getting shot. But to those of you who judge Flip by his name alone are making a huge mistake, as America's informational muse wikipedia tells us "Flip acquired his nickname from his early love of gymnastics." Suddenly, Flip doesn't seem like such a tough guy. After all, I would probably go by a similar nickname if my name was Ronald. My guess is that one of the gunmen was Bela Karolyi, who was angry with Flip for choosing seven figure contracts, fly honies, and a possible NBA championship over Olympic gold. Then again, if Flip is willing to settle for Olympic Bronze, all he needs is
a scuba tank and a ride to Baltimore ...
13)
Coach Musselman DUIBP Says: The Maloofs hired Eric Musselman because he had a reputation for being a young genius taskmaster that could gain the respect of a volatile lineup. Musselman was exactly that... for exactly four exhibition games. Then, he got busted for making a right-hand turn from a left-hand lane after a game against the Utah Jazz, got pulled over, and promptly flunked three straight field sobriety tests. Kudos, Musselman, you're the only coach on this list. You're also the only man on whose crime completely destroyed his entire team's season, his relationship with his employer, AND his professional reputation. Although, to your credit, you weren't jerking off at the time. More on that later.
Sullivan Says: One of my big pet peeves, somthing that is absolutely inexcusable, is drunk driving. Especially if you are some dude who makes millions of dollars a year, why don't you just call a cab or your chauffer Mussleman? Sadly, I think the Kings pinned a lot of their personnel mistakes of the past several years on Mussleman, who immediately became an easy target after this incident. My suggestion to him? Open a chain of Gyms. Mussel Man Gyms has a pretty obvious ring to it, and he could differentiate his gyms from the competition by offering alcoholic energy drinks, such as Whey too much Tequila and Muscle Milk Merlot.
12) Randy Foye Gas Station Parking Lot Family Brawl
BP Says: Foye was booked for resisting arrest back in February. He was rolling in his SUV at 2:40am when his cousins started bickering. So, Foye did the only logical thing- pull in to a gas station and supervise the grown men while they beat the piss out of each other. Foye was cited for disorderly conduct. It makes us feel great to know that Danny passed on this hooligan in favor of... wait for it... Sebastian Telfair! No way that good apple will be on this list! Some might say they even dodged a bullet! HAHA!
Sullivan Says: Hey man, sometimes the best way to resolve an argument is over a sandwich. A knuckle sandwich! Back in the day my brother and I used to duke it out every once in a while, although instead of throwing punches in a parking lot at 2:40 AM, we would be throwing slaps and pulling hair in our shared bedroom with puppy dog wallpaper while wearing full-body pajamas.
11)
Sprewell Abusing Common Law WifeBP Says: Sprewell, best known for nearly choking his coach to death and complaining about having to feed his family on $7 million a year, was back in the news this year. Why? His longtime girlfriend sued him for $200 million dollars. Memo to future Sprewell girlfriends- while he may mark you down as "Wife" so you can scam the NBA for health insurance money, if you make him leave his yacht in Wisconsin, there's a good chance he'll throw you down the stairs.
Sullivan Says: This case is bad on very many levels. First of all, Sprewell's common law wife sued him because he stopped supporting her and the couple's four children, all of whom (a little bird, a wikibird, tells me) are in college. Math Time! Sprewell was born in September 1970. That makes him 36, with four kids in college (meaning they are all at least 18 or so. That means he had four kids at age 18. Who the hell does that? Not to mention he was already in hot water for strangling a 21 year old he was banging on his yacht, "Milwaukee's Best" (that is not a joke), back in September. So he refuses to help pay for his 18-22 year old kids' college despite the fact that he has millions. Meanwhile he is mackin' it with chicks who are the same age as his children and then strangling them? This guy is clearly not one of those "character" guys. Expect Danny Ainge to sign him before week's end.
10)
Zach Randolph Refuses to Pay For Lap Dance (Times Two)BP Says: While enjoying a All-Star caliber breakout season, Zach Randolph had two bumps in the road. The first came when he was accused of raping a stripper with whom he alleged had given him a crappy lap dance. (He was cleared of the charges.) The second came when he told the Blazers that he had to take some time off to attend a funeral but would up hitting up a strip club and skipping out on the bill. There might have been more, those were just off the first page of a Google search for "
Zach Randolph Crime." Page 2 might just be too depressing.
Sullivan Says: We are just now cracking the top ten NBA crimes of the year, and already I feel like I could get nailed with an "accomplice to a misdemeanor" charge just for watching an NBA game, not to mention writing on this here blog. I feel like this crime would have been much higher on the list had the perpitraitor not been Zach Randolph, whose treatment of women makes Mike Tyson look like Susan B. Anthony. How Randolph got cleared of charges after admittedly not paying a stripper for a lap dance because it wasn't to his liking and then taking advantage of her while she was passed out, I'll never quite understand. This guy is such a delinquent that he can't even have "off the court problems", because whenever he isn't on the court playing, he's in Portland disctrict court pleading. Off the court doesn't exist for this guy.
9)
Ralph Sampson Mail Fraud
BP Says: The pansy-ass sissypants best known for getting his face beaten in by our man Jerry Sichting was finally busted in September 2006 for mail fraud. Basically, Sampson skipped out on his child support payments to the tune of $250,000, lied about it to the cops, falsified some documents, and wound up pleading guilty to a mail fraud charge and will serve two months in pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Come on, Ralph, even Shawn Kemp pays his f#&$^g child support!
Sullivan Says: At least this one is creative. Amid the wasteland of NBA violence and sexual deviance charges, it's good to see a good old mail fraud charge crack the top ten. Plus they are bumping the stamp price up to $0.41! Sh*t's expensive!
8)
Kwame Brown Cake Stealing 
BP Says: Kwame Brown had two major career moments until this year. 1) Getting picked first in the NBA Draft and 2) getting called a "flaming faggot" by His Airness. Add a third milestone- being the first NBA player to be formally accused of smashing a stranger's cake. You might be reading this and saying, "Cake smashing worse than a DUI?!? Or rape allegations? Or mail fraud?" Well... yes, because when Brian Scalabrine heard about how much cake was wasted, he cried for five straight days.
Sullivan Says: How is it that Jordan never got the Tim Hardaway treatment after his comment about Kwame anyway? I guess Nike and Gatorade and Warner Bothers and the other 1,000 corporate sponsers that own every media outlet in America and Michael Jordan must have kept things quiet. Like Ralph Sampson before, Kwame's crime was really a breath of fresh air in the world of pro-athlete hooliganism. I thought his case was especially hilarious after maboy Nic managed to snap some shots of Kwame during the heist (see above), when I realized that Kwame Brown wears his Lakers jersey around at all times. He probably doesn't even have anything else in his closet, just long rows of Lakers home jerseys. What a douche.
7b)
Telfair Necklace/Fabolos ShootingBP Says: Sea Bassie was just chillin' in NYC with his $50,000 necklace when some joker ran up and ripped it off his neck. A little while later, the rapper Fabolos was shot, and we all wondered who the shooter was, and whether the necklace-stealer was one of Fabolos' entourage. Bassie was questioned and was not charged with anything. Our main man Nic concluded that Stephen Jackson probably did it, and we all concluding that there would be no way that Telfair could possibly top being investigated in an attempted murder of a streetwise rapper. Well...
Sullivan Says: To me, this is a case of oversimplification. Considering the amount of crime that goes down in New York, why would Bassie's necklace debacle and Fabo's shooting being related? I understand that Justin's nightclub was the common link, but I doubt that Telfair would order a hit on that chipped-toothed goofball without thinking it through. Plus, Telfair's Baretta-owning girlfriend was by his side all along, and you know she would've taken care of things then and there if either of them wanted the deed done. Although this crime is very exciting and relevant, I don't see Bassie on the same criminal level as I see some of the other upstanding jackasses on this list...Like my blogging counterparts, I blame Stephen Jackson.
7a) Telfair Gun Charge Part Deux
BP Says: Danny- it's 4am. Do you know where your third string point guard is? Yes, he's driving 77 in a 45 zone with a loaded gun under the passenger seat.
It's a small consolation to know that Telfair was a "perfect gentleman" while getting arrested. Sounds like he knows his way around a squad car!
He was probably well dressed, too. So, you traded Randy "Street Fighter" Foye for a guy that doesn't play, sucks when he does, but gets newspaper covers for spending all his money on clothes, jewelry, and guns as well as getting arrested regularly. If Danny keeps Sea Bassie on the team after this behavior... we'll cry foul. I mean, Pittsnogle humps
ONE DEAD DEER, for crying out loud, and does he get a second or third chance?!?
Sullivan Says: We have ourselves a new development in the Telfair speeding with a loaded gun case, from wikipedia: "a later report stated that Telfair was "celebrating the holidays" as the car reaked of marijuana and the day being April 20, known in cannabis culture as 420." To us here at I*Heart*Celtics, this is a very exciting development, as clearly,
Telfair must have been reading our blog earlier in the day. All the same, I think that Telfair is sometimes scapegoated for things that aren't his fault. It isn't his fault he got a chain stolen. And I mean, how many times have you been driving a friend around at death defying speeds when he reveals to you, through the haze of sensimilia smog, that he has a loaded gun with him (yes Chap, that means you). To all the fun-hating cops out there this constitutes a crime, to me I call it Celebrating the Holidays with friends.
6) Artest Domestic Abuse/Stealing His Own Car
BP Says: The Sacramento Police were sitting around one day and were just beginning to discuss a troubling development- it was already 10am and they hadn't received a call regarding Ron Artest. Then, Mrs. Artest called in and accused the Tru Warier of stealing his own car. When the 911 dispatcher informed her that stealing your own car is impossible, she accused him of abuse. She then told the dispatcher that Ron-Ron was chilling in the room with her at the time. She didn't mention that she had smashed his windshield with a frying pan.
Sullivan Says: Details, BP, Details. Mrs. Ron Artest showed a lot of grit in this situation, showing who the Tru Warior really is. She knows her husband has a short fuse, but didn't hesitate to smash the winshield of her own car with a frying pan before accusing her husband of stealing it. My favorite part in all of this is the nonchalant, conversational tone of her phone call to the 911 dispatcher. Hilarious. Sounds like Mrs. Artest is more starved for attention than Socks is for food (more on that coming up, keep reading!)
5)
Jason/Jourmana Divorce ExposeBP Says: There's no way I can do this justice in one or two paragraphs, which is why I went throught the entire court document in the link above. Let's just say that whenever an NBA player drives down the street with his underwear-clad wife clinging to the bumper, they've got an automatic spot in our top 10.
When a player throws a cookie "Frisbee-style at his wife, cutting her lip, and then blames the assault on their two-year-old, that's an automatic spot in our top 5. It also gives you pole position in the forthcoming "Top 16 NBA Douchebags" piece.
Sullivan Says: After countless kisses blown at the line, how could one cookie ruin a marriage? Well, as it turns out, New Jersey's favorite stat sheet-filling machine was also notching triple doubles at home. But instead of points, rebounds, and assists, these 3-doubs were comprised of "striking his wife with large rocks", "extramarital affairs with several different television reporters", and "kicks to the stomach while pregnant". Kid's response to Jourmana's allegations: "I don't give a f**k." Holy Moly.
4)
Ron Artest Starving "Socks"BP Says: Ron-Ron has done a lot of bad things in his life, but it takes a special kind of a$$hole to name a dog "Socks". It takes an even more special kind of a$$hole to nearly starve "Socks" to death and get charged with animal cruelty. Apparantly the Tru Warier was too busy mixing his rap album which was 20 times less successful commercially than K-Fed's. Papa-ZAO!!!
Sullivan Says: BP, BP, BP! Don't jump to hasty conclusions! Artest was simply scapegoated again, this time for forseeing the devastating tainted pet-food epidemic that killed scores of animals in the US over the past few months. While pet owners around the country mourn their deceased animals who consumed poisonous meow mix or whatever, Socks lives on with Captain Ron Ron's lawyer because he hadn't eaten anything except grass and his own feces since little Christmas. Woof woof bitch!
3)
The Stephen Jackson Strip Club FracasBP Says: With the Artest debacle behind them, the Pacers were ready for a drama-free year. Unfortunately, the Pacers' front office was the only group of people in the world who thought Ron Artest is crazier than Stephen Jackson. Jackson started the post-Artest era off with a bang... or three or four... when he fired his gun into the air while getting run over outside a strip club.
Sullivan Says: Not to mention the guy that hit him with a car only had one arm; you can't script such high comedy. Not since Gary Payton and Sam Cassell assaulted a male stripper in Milwaukee has an NBA player with such a strange looking head gotten involved with such halarious strip club fisticuffs. In what looks to be a happy ending for Jackson, he has found new life in Oakland, looking good last night in the Warriors' game 1 win against the Mavericks. If the first round of the playoffs were not best-of-seven (which safeguards against upsets), I would be legitimately excited. The Mavs haven't lost 4 of 7 since the beginning of the season. Thanks for nothing David Stern, who should be on this list perenially for making such criminal rule changes.
BP says: This incident would have been number 1 in an average year, especially when you consider the fact that this incident prompted the Pacers to trade for two slow white men with gigantic long-term contracts and go from playoff team to one of the biggest professional disasters of the 21st century. But what chance did Jackson have when he was going against...
2)
Robert "Tractor" Traylor's Money Laundering DebacleBP Says: After getting drafted 6th in 1998 (ahead of Paul Pierce, BTW), Traylor's ineptitude promptly drove him out of the league, but let him hit every Micky D's, Taco Bell, and Chuck-O-Rama along the way. Traylor now plays for a third division Spanish team, but may have to put that on hold to head to the can for an 8-14 month stint. You see, Traylor has been accused of laundering money for a man known as "Cousin Q" who is
"arguably the biggest dope dealer in Michigan History." I won't go in to all the details, but let's just say the story involves a fake dead body, hysterical women, 30,000 pounds of pot, $3.4 million cash, plenty of Cousin Q, and probably the best quote of the year.
[Traylor's lawyer, Steve] Fishman won't call Traylor broke, but said, "For those who think that all NBA players are wealthy, Robert Traylor is an example of one who is not."
Sullivan Says: What a sad, sad, story, and an ironic nickname to boot, as I predict Tractor Traylor will be spending the rest of his life living in a Tractor Trailer, at least when he's not in jail. If Cousin Q had been the biggest drug dealer in Idaho history, or South Dakota history, my eyebrows may have raised a bit. But the biggest drug dealer in Michigan history? Good golley miss molley that is absolutely unbeleivable! That's like being the biggest douchebag at a Kidd family reunion, the biggest sexual deviant at a Zach Randolph swinger party, or the biggest disappointment on the Tru Warior record label. That is to say, that is world class sh*t we are dealing with.
..on a normal year, that might be #1. However, when you're going up against-
1)
Eddie Griffin's Drunken Porno CrashBP Says: Sure, Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest set the bar pretty high, then Tractor Traylor got involved in the biggest drug bust in Michigan history. Sure, this story didn't technically take place this season (the trial did)... but this story had everything you'd want the number 1 NBA crime to be. 2:30 in the afternoon at a grocery store. "Anal Action" playing on an Escalade dashboard. Drunken NBA draft bust with a history of boorish behavior. Furious masterbation. A car crash. An attempted bribe.
Sullivan Says: Add to that this quote from the store owner's brother, "He was masturbating himself going down that street!" Indeed he was. Luckily for Griffin, the corrupt cops of the Minneapolis PD bailed him out by not requiring any type of sobriety test, which surely he would have failed. Griffin also didn't have a driver's license. If he had one, he would probably know from the road test that whacking it isn't one of the accepted directional hand signals. Considering Griffin laughingly told the owner of a convenience store that he was drunk and would buy him a new car if he didn't call the cops, he obviously was not too distraught about the whole thing. Then again, this is the same Eddie Griffin who beat his girlfriend then tried to shoot her. I don't know about you, but I'd take the car.
I*Heart*Celtics says: Here's to you, Eddie Griffin. Now, if you'll just put your dick for a couple seconds, we'd love to shake your hand and congratulate you on a job well done. Dammit, Eddie, YES, you can get right back to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Dildoes".
