Random Thoughts on Random Dudes: The Tao of Eric Snow, AND Dajuan Wagner: no ifs, ands, or butt

The Tao of Eric Snow


Eric Snow, in addition to being my least favorite player in the NBA (besides Drew Gooden), is a moron. Check out his website and you'll know what I mean.

It all seems like god clean fun at first: a few pictures, some shout outs and sponsers, typical NBA website fare. But if you click on the "About" tab, and then on "fun facts", you soon come to irrefutible proof that Eric Snow has the IQ of a sack of potatoes. Let's take a look, shall we?

Fun Fact #1: "Name: Eric Snow" - Ok. Eric, it is indeed a fact that your name is Eric Snow. But thats not fun to me. Want to know a fun fact about this blog? It's called I Heart Celtics. Jesus Christ.

Fun Fact #2: "Birthdate: April 24, 1973 (not sure of the day itself)." Don't worry Eric, neither is Yi Jianlian.

Fun Fact #15: "Favorite Childhood Memory with Parents: Spending childhood in two parent home with mom & dad" - OK, I do respect the fact that Snow is a family man. But when you are asked to identify a single childhood memory, you can't respond "childhood". Its like being asked your favorite color and replying "colors". What a moron.

Fun Fact #21: "College Awards: 3-Time HS Most Valuable Player, 2-Time First Team All Ohio." Apparently Eric Snow is the only player to win "HS MVP" 3 times in college. Outstanding. Even more impressive is his repeat selectino to First Team All Ohio while playing at Michigan State.

Fun Fact #33: "Nickname: Pookie". Good lord, are we having fun yet?

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Dajuan Wagner, no ifs, ands, or butts



Speaking of fun facts, I was reading as much random basketball stuff as I could get my hands on this morning, and came across a reference to our old friend Dajuan Wagner. I remembered the hype with this guy going into college at Memphis, the 100 point HS game and his exciting play under old UMass friend John Calipari (who by the way, is an amazing recruiter - look at the players he brought to UMass).

I googled Wagner to see what he might be up to these days. While I expected nothing worse than maybe knife-fighting with Joe Forte over the last Scooby-Doo jersey at JC Penny, I realized it was much worse than that. While Celtics Fans have a lot to complain about these days, Wagner's "fun facts" make me feel a lot luckier to have what I have, including my butt...

1983: Wagner is born in Camden, NJ. And we are 0 for 1 in good places to be born...

2005 - Dejuan's stepdad sentenced to life in jail for selling crack. I'm not sure what Wag's relationship with his step dad was like, but either way, that sucks.

2006 - Wagner's chronic stomache problems force him to have colon removed. I'm not sure what Wag's relationship with his ass was like, but either way, that sucks.

IRRITABLE OLIVER MILLER FINALLY SUBDUED BY 11-YEAR-OLD IN ALABAMA

Keon Watch

Well, the lovable modern-day Fallstaff Keon Clark has gotten his long-armed, skinny-legged self in trouble again. For those of you who haven't followed Neon Keon's second career, here is a brief timeline.

Summer 2001 - In a move that could at best be described as "dubious" or "shady as all hell", "Clark inexplicably fired his two NBA veteran agents, one of whom lived in Denver and kept close tabs on Keon, and equally puzzlingly, hired a childhood friend who had become a personal banker back in Danville, with zero experience representing professional players of any sort, let alone negotiating any form of personal services contracts."

Analysis: As crazy as this sounds, its not too different from what Kendrick Perkins did when he hired "a friend" as a personal secretary. One lawsuit later, their friendship has been strained. Lesson: Money and blood/friendship don't mix.

July 2002 - Clark is booked for marijuana posession, gun posession.

Analysis: In what has become known among law-enforcement circles as "the Telfair offense", driving around with a loaded gun and weed has become about as common in the NBA as David Stern acting like a smug asshole and alluding to the "global appeal" of the NBA during interviews. BORING! Come on Keon, you can do better than that!

2005 - From the Toronto Star: "since his black 2003 Mercedes Benz was seized (and sold on eBay) by the authorities, the 6-foot-9 beanpole has taken to riding a motor scooter around town, which makes him hard to miss."

Analysis: Hard to miss indeed. This technically is not a crime, but certainly would indicate the mental deterioration of a man who is 6'10" and has millions of dollars. Which leads us to the fateful night of:

March 8, 2007 - Pissed that the cops impounded his car, Keon finds it parked in a parking lot, and proceeds to scratch the paint off of it. As the Commercial News of Danville, IL points out, "[this] charge was the second felony charge of the day for Clark, who also was charged with aggravated driving after a suspended license. He is accused of driving following suspension convictions in 2005 and 2006."

Analysis: Passive agressive? More like daft but impressive. This guy is insane. But just to drive home the point, Keon decided to take a gin-soaked joyride to IHOP last week:

May 17, 2007 - After downing a bottle of gin, Keon (naturally) drives his motorcycle to IHOP. There he trips over a mop bucket. Angry with the inanimate object, the 5.9 career average rebounder gets in a fight with the manager, who calls the cops. The cops arrive to find him next door, swaying around with bloodshot eyes. They confiscate the bike, and send him to a hotel, which is full. He returns to the IHOP and tries to fight the tow-truck driver because he won't give him his motorcycle back.

Analysis: Like his forefather Eddie Griffin found out(see I Heart Celtics top 16 NBA crimes of the year, number 1), getting drunk and destructive + driving your vehicle around a parking lot = T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In Keon's defense, there is no indication he was watching anal action during any of his felonies.

Verdict: Compared to the outrageous things that currently-employed NBA players do, Clark's transgressions are mild (see Zack Randolph, Ron Artest, and the aforementioned Eddie Griffin). Sadly, once you leave the league, you also leave behind the NBA immunity. Too bad nobody told Keon. I guess Robert Traylor must have misplaced his phone number.

Luck ain't what we need. It's competence...

Great article today about the whole draft lottery, Oden/Durant juggernaut, Celtics luck, curse, history, etc. And the last line is the best...

Notable #5 Picks

So, we all know by know that the Celtics got completely hosed with the #5 pick... or did they? I took a look at the #5 picks over the years, and the results may surprise you. For example, Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley might not put each other in their five, but they were both drafted fifth. Without further ado, here we go.

FIRST TEAM (Hall of Famers/Future Hall of Famers)
Dwayne Wade (2003)
Walt Frazier (1967)
Charles Barkley (1984)
Scottie Pippen (1987)
Kevin Garnett (1995)

SECOND TEAM (Could-Be Hall of Famers, maybe)
Sidney Moncrief (1979)
Mitch Richmond (1988)
Vince Carter (1998)
Ray Allen (1996)


THIRD TEAM (Very Good Players)
Darryl Dawkins (1975)
Steve Smith (1991)
Kendall Gill (1990)
Jason Richardson (2001)
Mike Miller (2000)

FOURTH TEAM (Decent Role Players)
Tony Battie (1997)
Shelden Williams (2006)
Raymond Felton (2005)
Devin Harris (2004)
Purvis Short (1978)
Walter Davis (1977)

The All Funny Name Team
Tom Thacker (1963) (sounds like a term for masterbation, i.e. "He's sort of a loser, he just hangs out with Tom Thacker all day, if you know what I mean.")
Wayne Yates (1961) (probably received 10,012 wedgies for the name alone)
Dick "Skull" Barnett (1959) (cool nickname)
LaPhonso Ellis (1992) (only LaPhonso I've ever heard of)
Mahdi Abdul-Rahman, formerly Walter Hazzard (1964) (sweet name change)

The Um... Ok, Whatever Team
Kenny Walker (1986)
Sidney Green (1983)
LaSalle Thompson (1982)
Danny Vranes (1981)
Wally Walker (1976)
James Ray (1980)

The Infamous Team
Isaiah Rider (1993) (crime)
Juwan Howard (1994) (scandal, being a dick)
Kermit Washington (1973) (fracturing Rudy T's face)
J.R. Reid (1989) (mediocre manwhore of the NBA)

The All BP-Never-Heard-of-Them Team
Freddie Boyd (1975)
Bobby Jones (1974)
George Trapp (1971)
Sam Lacey (1970)
Larry Cannon (1969)
Jack Marin (1966)
Dave Stallworth (1965)
Len Chappell (1962)
Guy Rodgers (1958)


The Dear-God-the-Celtics-Are-Friggin-SCREWED Team
Don Smith (1968) (doesn't even have a page on Basketball-Reference.com!!!)
Nikoloz Tskitishvili (2002) (mutant)
Jonathan Bender (1999) (broken)
Lee Shaffer (1960) (three seasons of crappiness)
Joe Koncak (1985) (guaranteed to suck just from the name alone)

In conclusion and in summary, the Celtics could potentially draft a Hall of Famer. The trend appears to be that the fifth pick is usually used for a well-regarded, solid guard. The number of swing players taken with the fifth pick is staggering. It's rare to nab a quality big, which is what the Celtics are probably looking to do.

The fifth pick is not where the Celtics would like to be, but I would match that first team against pretty much any other group of same-number picks, including #1's. This is supposed to be a very deep draft, so who knows, perhaps the C's will find the next Charles Barkley... or the first age-unknown skinny Chinese dude shrouded in mystery.

DAMMITALLTOHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TANKING THE ENTIRE SEASON WORKS SLIGHTLY WORSE THIS TIME AS IT DID DURING THE M.L. ERA;
CELTICS ARE SCREWED OVER;
LAND FIFTH PICK IN A TWO-MAN DRAFT;
EVERYONE'S PISSED

THE LOTTERY IS TONIGHT!!
TIME FOR I*HEART*CELTICS TO PLAY THE ODDS

The Celtics have a 38% chance of landing a top-2 pick in the Draft Lottery today. Celtics fans are fired up, but we here at I*Heart*Celtics are both fired up and incredibly nervous. A whole season wasted for odds of nabbing a player are slightly better than winning Powerball but slightly worse than the chances Ben Wallace will hit a free throw.

To put things in perspective...

99.81% - Chance Vin Baker is completely shitfaced right now.

99.8% - Chance Chris Herren has an ounce of heroin within arms' reach as you read this sentence.

99.7% - Chance I*Heart*Celtics superstar Nic is wearing capri pants and watching Triple H highlights from the late 90's right now.

95% - Percentage of Celtics cheerleaders Delonte's tried to seduce with the baby-makin' melodies of R. kelly's "sex planet" and the aphrodisiacal aroma of a Popeye's family bucket.

93.3% - Percentage of Sebastian Telfair's assists-per-game to gun-related-incident ratio.

88.6% - Larry Bird's career free-throw percentage.

88.5% - Brian Scalabrine's career body fat percentage.

82.1% - Percentage of Antoine Walker's shots that are ill-advised.

80.1% - Winning percentage of Harvard Athletic Association championship-winning "Michigan" squad in 1996. Yes, this team did feature Nic, Chap, Sullivan, and even BP.

80.1% - Percentage of "Michigan" games both Nic and Chap suited up that season.


62.2% - Percentage of Sullivan's body covered with floor burns during basketball season.

62.1% - Percentage of Delote's body covered with flesh wounds after a night out on the town with his girlfriend.

58.7% - The Celtic franchise's winning percentage in their glorious 60 years in existence.

46.6% - Rick Pitino's career winning percentage as an NBA head coach.

43% - Percentage of child support paid by former Celtic Greg Minor.

42.2% - Celtics' RPI this season, ranking them 30th out of 30 teams. (RPI - Relative Percent Index; the formula is 25% team winning percentage, 50% opponents's average winning percentage, and 25% opponents's opponents's average winning percentage. -Basketball-Reference.com)

42% - Ben Wallace's career free throw shooting percentage.

41.4% - Doc Rivers' winning percentage as coach of the Boston Celtics.

39.4% - Antoine Walker's shooting percentage from the field in 2001-2002.

38% - Celtics' chances of landing Oden or Durant this year.

36.4% - Doc Rivers' career playoff coaching winning percentage.

35% - BP's score on a Geometry test in 8th grade, setting a class record.

34.4% - The Celtics' three point shooting percentage in their Eastern Conference Finals season of 2001-2002.

33% - Percentage of "N"s in Kevinn Pinkney's first name.

32.7% - Percentage of Celtics team salary used for Theo Ratliff, Luke Jackson, Brian Grant, and Vin Baker.

29.3% - The Celtics' winning percentage in 2006-2007.

29.3% - M.L. Carr's coaching record in two glorious seasons.

28.1% - Percentage of time Michael Jordan wasn't cheating on his wife during their marriage.

28% - Bruce Bowen's shooting percentage for the Celtics in 1998-1999.

18.3% - The Celtics' winning percentage in 1996-1997.

11.9% - Average percentage of the crowd that stays in the club when Tony Allen shows up.

8.8% - Chances that of that Vegas oddsmakers gave that a Celtics player would wear a Scooby-Doo jersey on the sidelines during a playoff game. Then Joe Forte came along.

7.9% - Chance I*Heart*Celtics superstar Chap has showered within the last 72 hours.

3% - Chance Kevin Pittsnogle can read all the way through One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish without asking for a definition.

1.86% - Chance Doc Rivers would have received a contract extension if he was coaching any other team... in the world.

1.3% - Chance that huge Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and frikkin' WILL SMITH fan Greg Oden is 19 years old.

1.1% - Percentage of his life that the Kandi Man isn't baked out of his mind.

0.9% - Chance Dwayne Schintzius' modelling career is going well.

2.21 x 10-3% - Percentage of team minutes contributed by Theo Ratliff, Luke Jackson, Brian Grant, and Vin Baker this season. (If you're wondering, BP actually did that math- 44/19857, according to Basketball-Reference.com. Also, if you're wondering, that's roughly $475,917.05 per minute.)

0% - Chance I*Heart*Celtics believes Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge will lead the Celtics to the promised land, regardless how the lottery goes this evening.

EXCLUSIVE: Andrew DeClercq's Lizard Attacks Reporter

Former Celtic Andrew DeClercq has started a second career as a well-dressed and bearded animal trainer, and we here at I*Heart*Celtics obtained an exclusive video of one of his many television appearances. Unfortunately, his lizards are every bit as wild and unpredictable as their trainer's famous "WTF Hookshot" from the Pitino years.

EXCLUSIVE: Telfair Almost Gets Arrested in Vegas, Instead Gets New Job!

EXCLUSIVE: Client of Robert Traylor's "Cousin Q" Sells Wack Weed to Cop

This cop should have used the Kandi Man's recipe.

EXCLUSIVE: Brian Scalabrine Summer Vacation Video!

We Heart Bill Russell

For those of you that don't know, Celtic god Bill Russell has a blog over on NBA.com. Now, Bill Russell might stonewall a 5-year-old autograph seeker and laugh like a crazy person, but the man is a stone-cold genius. He's like a combination of Yoda and Andy Griffith. He may repeat the story about coming back from being down 3-1 to the Sixers several times, but the man knows what he's talking about.

This is my favorite line from his latest post:

A lot was written recently regarding Amare's comments about the Spurs being a dirty team. Now, I don't know what his reasoning was behind those comments without talking to him but I do know that some guys say things as a personal motivator. When I was playing, I never said anything about the other team, pro or con, because I didn’t care what they did. That was Red’s philosophy as well. I knew what I was going to do. The only time I would talk about the other team, if at all, was in our locker room to my teammates.

I know he's talking about Amare here, but I couldn't help but think about how this advice would apply to the Celtics. I wish Doc would follow Red's lead here. I get sick of him praising the hell out of the other team during his press conferences. Doc is desperate for a good sound byte after the game, when he should be desperate for wins.

He should listen to Bill and talk exclusively about the Celtics. What does it matter what he thinks about the other team? All his praise just makes him look like a pussy AND expose what he believes are the team's weaknesses. Everyone talks about how great Doc is with the media- that's because the media, by in large, is lazy and wants to put as many juicy quotes in an article to beef up their word count. Being "good with the media" does not make you good for your players.

I have an offer- we here at I*Heart*Celtics can handle all the discussions about the other teams the Celtics play. We can shoulder that burden. If Doc spent the time he usually spends talking about the other team coaching the Celtics, maybe Perk would know how to shoot a jump shot by now.

In Doc's new contract, the Celtics should have stipulated that he should cut his press conference time by 95%. They should also have stipulated that he had to sit for an hourlong lecture from Bill Russell every week. Perhaps then the Celtics could develop the mental edge that separated the great Celtics teams from the disgraceful ones. Unfortunately, Doc would probably spend that time trying to get Russell's autograph.

I*Heart*Celtics Responds To John Cougar Mellencamp

Truehoop revealed the other day that in a recent interview in Blender magazine, the old Cougar revealed this little nugget:

I’ve known Larry Bird since we were kids. When he was on the Celtics and I was playing in Boston, he and Kevin McHale would come to my dressing room after the show and smoke me under the table.

Alright, where to go from here... we usually stick to three things on I*Heart*Celtics- the Celtics, NBA crime, and Brian Scalabrine fat jokes. We don't usually venture into the crazy world of music criticism unless we have to give a five-star review to our boy Walter McCarty whenever he releases his follow-up to his smash "Moment for Love".

But really, it's the offseason. We can stray off topic a little here. So, I will attack the credibility of the source, the Cougar, because this piece of sh*t interview made me want to puke. It's set up in a Q&A format from readers, so the Blender folks can get away with asking questions so lame I swear they came out of Shira Springer's notes from Journalism 101.

Who’s No. 1 on your sh*t list right now?
SakuraSam, Raleigh, NC
All the idiot critics who aren’t understanding my album. I’ve got this one song, “The Americans,” that’s catching all kinds of shit because people think I’m writing it in a simplistic, patriotic way. They need to re-listen to the song: It’s the biggest hoax! I mean, “I’m an American/I respect your point of view”? As if! It’s just amazing that people think so little of me. I wrote a song 30 years ago called “Pink Houses” that said the same thing. Here it is 30 years later — surrounded by more songs that are sad and disappointed in the direction of this country — and you motherfuckers are so stupid you think I’m Toby Keith? I almost didn’t do this interview ’cause Blender gave my CD two and a half stars. I’m sorry, you might want to consider not doing criticism. ’Cause you don’t get it.

Props for bringing back the phrase "As if" Johnathan Cougar! Way to show you're both mature and relevant.... PSYCH!!!!!!!

Ah... 'the critics'. Well, I'll make it easy on you, John Cougar, John Cougar Mellencamp, John Mellencamp, whatever the f*ck you're calling yourself these days... you're not Bob Dylan. You're not Bruuuuce. But, you might want to try to write a song that doesn't "say the same thing" you said in 1984. Honestly, this guy wants the critics to adore him for saying the exact same thing he said 30 years ago? Why not just call it "Little Pink Houses 2: The Repainting"? Anyway, here are some of the lyrics that the critics apparantly don't understand from the visionary song "The Americans".

I like my heroes
To be honest and strong
I wear t-shirts
And blue jeans
I try to understand
All the cultures of this world
I'm an American from the Midwest

I'm an American, I'm an American
I respect you and your point of view
I'm an American, I'm an American
And I wish you good luck with whatever you do

Woah, easy on the three-syllable words, Cougar. You lost me for a moment there. No, wait, those lyrics sound like something you'd give a kindergartner to help them learn how to read.

Now, a kindergartner might be able to sound it out... they wouldn't UNDERSTAND the MESSAGE. You see, you thought it was a simple, straightforward song about loving America, but really... it's SARCASTIC! Patriotic? Straightfoward? As if! Like all great artists that weren't understood in their own time, idiot critics can't even differentiate between John Mellencamp and a troglodyte like Toby Keith!

I'm an American soldier, an American,
Beside my brothers and my sisters I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy I will always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight.

Yeah, no similarities there! By the way, John, I listened to some of the clips from your new album on ITunes and I was compelled to stab myself in the eardrum with an ice pick. One of your songs was particularly familiar... was it on TV?

Didn’t you once call Bob Seger a sellout for licensing his “Like a Rock” for a Chevy commercial? What gives?
Cappydoodle, Waterloo, IA
I don’t think I said “sellout” — I think I said it hurt my feelings. But let’s not forget, that was 15 years ago: Bob was on the radio; Bob was on MTV. It’s not like that anymore. Guys who’ve been around as long as me, we’re not gonna get played. And as somebody else said, “You’re giving me shit for something you would have done a long time ago, so shut up.”

Um... I don't even know where to start with that one. First of all, the song "Our Country" being on a Chevy commercial doesn't hurt my feelings. No- it crushes my will to live.

So, Mr. Chevy Silverado, what kind of car do you drive?
PoserFX, Los Angeles
That’s the one clichéd rock-star thing about me: I’ve got tons of cars.

That's the one thing? The ONE rock star cliche? Let's go down the list, and these are just in this little article.

1) Hatred of critics? Check.
2) Irrational fear of germs? Check.
3) Random panic attacks? Check.
4) Steadily declining skills? Check.
5) Multiple failed marriages? Check.
6) Married to a supermodel half his age? Check.
7) Sellout? Check.
8) Obnoxious hypocrite? Check.
9) Crazy drug stories with famous people? Check. (I'll get to that, I promise)
10) Kids with weird names? Double check. ("Speck" and "Hud", better homeschool those two)
11) Gigantic ego? Check.
12) Solutions for all of the world's problems? CHECK.

What’s the first thing you’d do if you were elected president?
Scheny44, Tubac, AZ
I’d start diplomatic conversations with the Middle East, right now. Even the people I don’t agree with. Next, I’d get rid of fossil fuels. Then I’d solve the health-care crisis. And then I’d put some money into helping poor people get out of the gutter. There was actually a guy who tried to get me to run for governor of Indiana — but I sleep until 11 in the morning and stay up till three. I don’t think the legislature could keep my hours.

First, President Mellencamp would get Osama's digits and chit chat with 'ol Bin Ladin and his boys from Al-Qaida. Hell, I'm pretty sure those dudes use those "Our Country" commercials for their recruitment videos.

Second, President Mellencamp would "get rid of fossil fuels". I think by this he means that he will send them all to outer space, because I don't know where else he could put them.

Third on the agenda is the old "solve the healthcare crisis". That should be easy. Fourth, "help poor people get out of the gutter". Man, this plain-talking Midwesterner makes a lot of sense! We could get all these done by lunch!

Now, it's just about time for me to address this Larry Bird thing. I hope that I have demonstrated that Cougar is a desperate douche that should not be trusted about anything.

1) First things first, and I may be wrong here, but I don't think John and Larry knew each other "since they were kids". John was born in 1951 in Seymour, Indiana. Larry was born in 1956 in West Baden Springs, Indiana (basically French Lick). They're not that close. French Lick is 65 miles southwest. Bird grew up poor, poor, poor, so I kind of doubt he was cruising up to sweet Seymour, Indiana to hang out while his mother was stalling payments at the bank, his grandmother was feeding him, and his father was struggling with alcoholism. I'm also pretty sure the Cougar didn't drive 60 miles to hang out with a random kid five years younger than him living in a thriving nightlife destination like French Lick. Mellencamp had graduated from Vincennes University (60 miles west of French Lick) before Bird spent those short months as a Hoosier. So, yeah, I'm sure they were real tight growing up.

2) That's just the beginning. I highly doubt that McHale and Bird were hanging out smoking doobies with each other after working hours, considering their relationship was strained at best, overflowing-with-all-consuming-hatred at worst. You don't roll a flat blunt with someone you hate. I'm pretty sure St. Jerry Garcia would reject you at the smoky gates of Stoner Heaven for that.

Bird and McHale smoking a peace pipe together? That's like saying, "I was at a club this weekend, and you wouldn't believe it, but Slash and Axl Rose came in and we all wound up going back to my apartment and playing beer pong with Courtney Love, Dave Grohl, and Eddie Vedder! We all got along great, and we wound up recording a demo at the end of the night!" As soon as I read that Larry Bird and Kevin McHale, on several occassions used to go to Mellencamp shows alone together, then hang out with the Cougar in his dressing room like two coked-out teenaged groupies, I knew the story made no sense. It's completely out of character for BOTH men involved.

3) Mellencamp is a tool with an enormous ego. He isn't interesting. These people notoriously name drop as much as they possibly can. Sure, he and Larry Bird go waaaay back. They're best friends. You know what I do with my best friends? Spread awkward and embarrassing rumors about them in snarky 'zines that could taint their professional image and force them to answer question after question from invasive ESPN drones!

4) We know all about Magic Johnson's sexual escapades from the 80's, we know all about Michael Jordan's gambling and womanizing, Reggie Lewis and Len Bias' cocaine use... on and on and on. Famous, adored, idolized athletes' ugly pasts aren't necessarily out in the open, but they're not secrets either. If you want to know about them, you can find out. I have read a lot of about the Celtics, positive and negative, but I have never, EVER read anything about Larry Bird being a pothead that smoked rockers under the table backstage. There are the stories about Larry drinking beer, of course, but please. This is the first I have ever heard of it, and the source is a clearly desperate for attention, bitter, washed up rocker.

5) Even if Larry Bird did smoke weed all the time, would I care? Absolutely not. Some people are saying that it's hypocritical to give Larry Bird a pass for smoking weed when I expect today's athletes to refrain. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? What kind of idiot expects NBA athletes to refrain from smoking pot? Is there anyone naive enough to think that NBA players aren't high all the time?!? I doubt Sam Perkins remembers the last eight years of his career! Do I care if they smoke weed? Of course not! As long as Qyntel Woods doesn't walk his dogs in my neighborhood, and Eddie Griffin doesn't masturbate drunkenly in my grocery store parking lot, I'm fine.

In conclusion and in summary, Larry and Kevin may have inhaled, like virtually every NBA player ever, but the probability of them doing it together in the company of John Mellencamp is highly improbable. The closest they all came together was this sweet-ass Youtube video. So, while this is probably a non-story, it was a hell of a lot more fun to write about than the Doc Rivers extension!

Master Bruce = Master Douche

The Celtics Speak, the World Listens...

Hoopsworld.com laid down a nice feature on the Celtics the other day, offering some insight to the team's overall chemistry and comradery over the grueling 2006-07 season. While most of the quotes were pretty straightfoward and predictable, I thought Perk made some particularly sound observations, D-West some cryptic ones, and I Heart Celtics' current pin-up boy, Rajon Rondo, rained on the parade...

Some highlights:

On the most improved Celtic...

Kendrick Perkins says its Tony Allen: "“TA [was most improved] before he got hurt. He was off the chain, as far as balling. He was doing his thing."

Never one to speak in specifics, Swamp Thing makes a good point. If there was anyone who I would say was "off the chain as for balling", it would have to be Pretty Tony. I always loved Allen, from OK State to the Celtics. While I think Al is the obvious choice for the most improved Celtic, I think considering Tony's ability to keep the Celtics afloat without Pierce (once Allen went down the Celtics stopped winning altogether) speaks volumes. If TA keeps doing his thing in rehab this summer, he's gonnal be a beast next year.

On the most clutch player...

Again, we turn to Perk: " The last game he played against Orlando (in a double overtime victory) … he took a few shots and I was like, ‘Oh my goodness.’”

My goodness indeed. I wish to god that the NBA had "wired" Perk for that game so that we could have heard the burly bigman say "Oh my goodness" when PP hit those shots. It would have possibly been my favorite NBA moment of the past 5 years, and I would have erased my entire iPod to make room for that quote as many times as possible.

On the team's big brother...

Leave it to DWest to blow our minds: “Michael Olowokandi is very smart. He has a lot of intellect and is always offering opinions. He always had the right advice for younger players.”

Um, from what I can glean, here is a translation of Celtics locker room lingo:

"smart" means "high"
"intellect" means "bongs"
"opinions" means "to drive everyone to wendy's"
"right" means "wrong"

On the team's calming force...

Go-Go-Gomes says, "“[Brian Scalabrine] doesn't get rattled by certain situations. He tries to make that rub off on other players."

Gomes was clearly getting a lot of playing time down the stretch, because it seems like he forgot about "certain situations" on the bench. For those unfortunate enough to ride pine all season, it is impossible not to be physically and emotionally "rattled" by Veal's atomic fast-food farts that he sends rippling down the bench. And the stench doesn't "rub off" even if you get power-washed.

On the best moment of the season...

This one is just depressing. Rajon Rondo says, "When I first got drafted."

First off, its a bad sign when somebody says the best moment of the season didn't happen during the season. But to add insult to injury, Rondo "first got drafted" by the Phoenix Suns and was traded to the Celtics. For that brief few seconds when his name was announced by David Stern, Rondo was seemingly headed to a contender. Oh how quickly the tide can change...

Other Highlights...

Gerald referred to his teammates exclusively with pet names. He referred to Pierce as "PP" and "P2", and Kendrick as "The Perkalator". I really like that last one. Meanwhile, Delonte's reference to Tony Allen as "an interesting character" confuses me. This is the same Delonte West, you remember, who finds suicidal vampires to be interesting characters. Whatever, Tony was aquitted, Delonte is single, and the lottery is in two weeks. There is hope!

Better Late Than Never: NBA Coach of the Year is a F%$^# JOKE!

Yes, this is old news, but Sam Mitchell was named NBA Coach of the Year. If the award wasn't named after Red Auerbach, this wouldn't bother me so much, but it is and it does. I don't read that many NBA blogs, to be honest, so perhaps this is scorched earth territory, but dammit, how does Sam Mitchell win Coach of the Year?!?

So, I looked back at the last few Coaches of the Year, and I came to this conclusion- the award is, for the most part, a complete joke. Let's look at the last ten or so years.

2007- Sam Mitchell
I'm sure everyone knows that our boys and girls over at Sports Illustrated conducted a poll last year of NBA players that named this joker THE WORST coach in the league. So, the Raptors have a good year this year, thanks mostly to the incredible work of their front office. They make the playoffs, and promptly look HORRENDOUS against the New Jersey Nets, who care about playing basketball about as much as Isiah Rider these days.

2006- Avery Johnson
Just got swept in the first round by an eighth seed in a supposedly "upset-proof" playoff format. Not bad... except for the fact that the Mavs rested their top dogs to allow the Warriors to make the playoffs in the first place... then Johnson decided to completely change their entire basketball outlook. You'd think a former Coach of the Year would have a better head on his shoulders. I don't think Johnson could have handled this any worse, and they were conscious decisions. It's not like in coaching you have a bad shooting night. He didn't make a couple bad decisions under pressure. He had time to sit down and plan the most ridiculous game plan possible.

2005- Mike D'Antoni
Props to D'Antoni, even though he's a bitch I love his style. If the Celtics played like the Suns they would have won many, many more games. He maximized his talent by utilizing a team strategy that fit their strengths. Well deserved.

2004- Hubie Brown
Confused? Wait until you see the voting totals. I put the final scores in parenthesis.

2003-04 NBA COACH OF THE YEAR RESULTS

Hubie Brown, Memphis (466)
Jerry Sloan, Utah (424)
Terry Porter, Milwaukee (54)
Stan Van Gundy, Miami (54)
Rick Carlisle, Indiana (41)
Jeff Bzdelik, Denver (25)
Flip Saunders, Minnesota (19)
Phil Jackson, L.A. Lakers (8)
Rick Adelman, Sacramento (3)
Gregg Popovich, San Antonio (3)
Paul Silas, Cleveland (1)

I did not make that up. Most of these "top" coaches have since been run out of their respective towns. I mean, Terry Porter? Paul Silas? Also, it's worth noting that the defending coach of the year finished behind Jeff Bzdelik. Who was that defending coach of the year?

2003- Greg Popovich
Popo is a good coach, I give him props for this one. However... who was a close second place in the voting? You guessed it- Eric Musselman from his Warriors days. Yeah, they went 38-44 that year... sweet. His career coaching record is 108-138. Say, what's he up to these days?

2002- Rick Carlisle
Here's the twist- this was back when he was coaching for the Pistons. Yes, he's been fired twice since winning this award. In fact, he was fired pretty much immediately after winning this award, and the Pistons went on to a title. Who was that coach to take the Pistons over the top?

2001- Larry Brown
My blinding hatred prohibits me from commenting coherently on this topic, but it bears noting that he won this award in a year in which the Sixers lost in the NBA Finals but failed to win it the year the the Pistons won it.

2000- Doc Rivers
If you're reading this for the first time, I am sorry I just broke your heart into a million pieces.

1999- Mike Dunleavy
This might just be me, but the only NBA-related person I think holds less authority than Mike Dunleavy is his spawn, Mike Dunleavy. Both are overpaid and don't DO anything. I guess that will win you an award or two along the way, as long as the idiot press handling the voting.

So, perhaps this list isn't as abysmal as I thought when I started this post. Perhaps the coaches are a product of the team they are dealt by the front office, and perhaps the fact that the players stop listening to them isn't their fault. However, when the players vote a coach the WORST in the league and the sportswriters still vote him the COACH OF THE YEAR, the award has officially become completely useless. When coaches with .500 (or worse) career records are coaches of the year (I'm looking at you, Lenny Wilkins) and Jerry Sloan, who has had literally one bad year in his entire career, has never won one... the award needs to be destroyed or at least renamed the "National Press Club Coach of the Year" so our boy Red can avoid being linked to mediocrity or downright incompetence every year.

Stephen Jackson: Keeping It Real

I can't help myself... this quote is too hilarious.

"I'm not going to say I don't think about what the media says about me. But at the same time, the only way I can control that or to get people to think the correct thoughts is by me going out and conducting myself as a leader, conducting myself as an NBA player. Conducting myself like the person I have been."

Yes! Yes! I love this "stay the course" strategy. I'm sure David Stern loooves the fact that Stephen Jackson conducts himself "as an NBA player." I'm sure he'd love it even more if NBA players conducted himself like Stephen Jackson.

We make fun of idiotic NBA players quite a bit on this fine website, and it's definitely deserved. However, I love those goofy bastards. Nothing makes me happier than Eddie Griffin "masterbating himself going down the street".

However, I think the real reason why I love Stephen Jackson is the fact that I enjoy the traction he puts David Stern though. Every game the Warriors win in the playoffs is like a spiked boot into that smug bastard's nutbag. So, Stephen, keep up the outstanding work. Will you ever top your best performance? You know, the "shoot your gun into the air while getting run over by a one-armed man outside a strip club"?

We can only hope.

Giddy-Up! Mavs Stink

Mark Cuban cried himself to sleep while gripping this photo (in a "best friends" frame) to his heart last night. In the desert, Steve Nash laughed while remembering how Cuban dumped him and then signed Eric Dampier to a $73 million contract.

Stephen Jesse Jackson laughs last

I have to admit, I really wanted the Warriors to win, and I'm glad they did. Maybe it was pent up frustration from a lack of upsets in the NCAAs, maybe because I always like to see former Celtics do well as coaches.

Before this series, I wasn't sure what I thought about the Warriors. I had seen them play maybe 4 or 5 times during the season, all without Baron Davis, and mostly pre-Stephen Jackson/Al Harrington. But seriously, what a different team they are to watch with these guys here instead of Dunleavy and Troy Murphy. While people can say what they will about his "character", I find Stephen Jackson hard not to like. Although my favorite thing about the the Warriors remains Baron Davis' beard, you have to love Jackson finally in a setting where he can thrive.

For most of his career, Jackson played for top-notch teams with high expectations (Spurs, Pacers). While he was integral to the Spurs championship team he played on, he was often scape-goated for many of the problems the Pacers faced while he was on the team (although the malice at the palace was certainly his own doing, no question). The problem with that PAcers team was that they were playing at their ceiling all season, unlike many other teams in the league. The same thing happened to the Mavericks this year: they had a talented roster who played at its ceiling the entire year, and grew comfortable in its dominance of teams running at 75%. Then the playoffs happened, and they got embarassed.

Now that Jackson is playing for a scrappy yet suddenly fashionable underdog team, he has become one of the MVPs of the young playoffs. When the playoffs started, NBA analysts usually pointed to talented tandoms as the key to winning: Yao and T-Mac, Kidd and Carter, Shaq and Wade, Dirk and Howard, Duncan and Parker, etc. We've heard it all before. But nowhere to be found was any mention of the tandom of Jackson and Davis. Unlike any of the aforementioned tandems, Jackson and Davis are a bit abrasive, were both kicked out of at least one game, and weren't as familiar to audiences due to their absence from TV commercials during the time outs. Its great to see a surprise dynamic duo like these two in Stern's until now "upset-proof" seven game opening series.

With last night's game still up in the air in the 3rd quarter, Jackson put on an absolute virtuosic performance. It is captured on video here:



I don't see how you couldn't like this guy. Or at least why you wouldn't want him on your team (unless you or one of your family members is a stripper). Just look at what he did on his way out of the Mavericks' American Airlines Arena the other night:

DALLAS – They were walking past the windows of the Old No. 7 Club in the corridor between the home and away locker rooms, the three stragglers shuffling past the postgame bar and grill of Dallas Mavericks fans. Long past midnight now, these people started standing and screaming through the glass, barking at Baron Davis and Don Nelson, clutching his Bud Light, and finally the most hated Warrior in the house, Stephen Jackson.

Davis and Nellie smiled and nodded on the way out of Game 5 on Tuesday night, but Jackson is Jackson and this wild series has brought out the best and worst of him. He wore his Yankees cap sideways along with his diamond studded crucifix, and finally he reached into his pocket, pulled out his money clip and waved a big, fat wad of the Golden State Warriors house money at those cursing him.

Cocky, yes, but boy does he back it up. Money!

News & Notes: Don't F With the Warriors

-The meltdown against the Mavs the other night is almost beyond description. The Warriors were taking NO time off the clock with a huge lead in the final minutes, jacking up fadeaway three pointers, and playing horrendous gambling defense. Some people say it's staying "hungry". Nope. As Tim Duncan would say, it's staying "retarded".

Anyway, the aftermath- Stephen Jackson will NOT be disciplined by the league for getting tossed for the second time in the series in the final minute of a loss (both times appeared to be for excessive clapping). and the jury's still out on what will happen to JRich who apparantly shoved a fan and cursed at him after falling into the crowd on one of the aforementioned fadeaway threes down the stretch.

Good gravy, can you guess which team we're rooting for?!? The Warriors are a complete train wreck! Plus, if we rooted for the Mavs, you can BET YOUR ASS JRich would fill our cars with popcorn!

Name that D-Bag!

With some help from various quote resources, I have compiled some pretty halarious sayings from some pretty outrageous NBA d-bags. Your challenge, like Veal or no Veal, match the names from the D-bag bank with the quotes below. The answer key is at the bottom.

D-Bag Bank: Stephen Jackson, Shaq, Shaq, Shaq, Dennis Rodman, Marv Albert, Jason Kidd, Ron Artest, Francisco Elson, Sam Mitchell, Todd MacCulloch

1) "I was just jumping up and down because I’m retarded."

2) "That’s gay on his part. I told him that he was gay, too, for touching me in my private parts."

3) “I know one day, I’m going to wake up and it’s (the soreness) not going to be there. When that day comes, whoever we’re playing, they’re going to be in trouble. I’ve been playing like Erick Dampier.”

4) “I don’t think anything of Laura Frank. You heard me — Laura Frank. Not Lawrence. Laura . . . It’s not that I blame him, I just wish he’d go to a manly tactic and just fight me. Don’t whine. When he whines, that’s when I change his name of Lawrence Frank.”

5) "Just say I’m from Somalia and I need food." Responding to a question about why he is so passionate about winning (?!).

6) "The Hawks have a great bunch of outside shooters. It's just too bad they play all of their games indoors."

7) “it’s like when you smoke cigarettes, you’ve got to take that nicotine patch and break that habit. We’ve got a habit of losing right now. We need to get, like, a nicotine winning patch.”

8) "My favorite 3 musical groups? Boyz II Men, Keeny G. Does it have to be a group? I like jazz in the morning, I’m a mellow cat. I don’t raise the roof in my house."

9) "I'm just glad for all of those thousands of kids who had Todd MacCulloch Sixers jerseys, because now they can pull them out again and wear them with pride. I feel good for the children."

10) “If I were a painter, you’d be calling me Shaqcasso.”

11) "I've jumped off a building, jumped off a cliff in a car. I've been in bedrooms when women came in with knives and guns."

Answer Key:

1) Sam Mitchell
2) Francisco Elson
3) Shaq
4) Shaq
5) Stephen Jackson
6) Marv Albert
7) Ron Artest
8) Jason Kidd
9) Todd MacCulloch
10) Shaq
11) Rodman