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Tommy's bias, Cousy's moves, Tony Allen's street smarts, Scalabrine's appetite, Rondo's freakishly huge hands, Cassell's looks, and Garnett's pterodactyline physique.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Big Baby Who??
Those of you who think Brian Scalabrine is intimidated by the possibility of losing his status as fatest player on the Celtics think again. By drafting Big Baby Davis, Celtics management has lit a fire in Scals belly, as the big man has cut short his summer break and is back to gaining weight. The Celtics want a big man, there going to get one. Big Baby maybe be big and look like a baby but Scal is a seasoned vetran at being fat. The pasty ginger is not going down without a fight. If you think this is the last you've heard about this rivalry, then you obviously don't read this blog enough.
My reaction was "WTF" when this trade went down. I still don't know what to think. So, this is what we're going to do... we're going to figure this one out as we go along, Pro vs Con style.... but the addition of Big Baby might be pushing me toward supporting the move. The main thing for me is this- I thought that it was going to be a disaster. In fact, I predicted it would be the worst in Celtics' history. It wasn't even close. In fact, it could have been a genius move if it works out. Right now, it's hard to tell, so I'm going to break it down. Let's see if the good outweighs the bad.
GAINING RAY ALLEN
HUGE PRO: Ray Allen is a perennial All-Star and a definite upgrade over Wally World. If this is what you're looking at in a trade- improving the shooting guard position- the Celtics hit the jackpot here. If Yinka Dare Presents has a YouTube video for you, you're a stud. CON: Paul Pierce might be impossible to play next to at this point in his career.
PRO: Ray Allen will help immediately. The Celtics could be a contender in the East right away. CON: Perimeter-based teams are rarely very good. Look at the Nuggets this year. Minor CON: Ray Allen is always on the trading block, what's up with that? Also, I can't remember him ever being on a really good team, either. I hope I'm wrong about that.
PRO: Ray Allen is a New England guy that actually wants to play for the Celtics. Side note: F*** you, Shawn Marion, you shoot like a fat kid in the third grade, and Mr. Garnett, need I remind you that you look like Skeletor and you haven't won a damn thing in your life? CON: Ray Allen is old and creaky.
BONUS PRO: Ray Allen is a decent human being. SECOND BONUS PRO: The Celtics held on to Theo Ratliff's expiring contract, Al Jefferson, and Gerald Green... all of whom were on the trading block for some of the most outrageously stupid trade ideas of all time. (I know, let's trade the best young low-post scorer in the NBA and our top pick for a never-won-a-f*****-thing Skeletor that hates your city! Better yet, he has a huge one-year contract!) THIRD BONUS PRO: Adding Ray Allen to the team increases our hate of Bruce Bowen by 750%.
TEAM RAMIFICATIONS
PRO: Paul Pierce got the established veteran he was asking for. CON: It's at the wrong position, it might not work at all, and Paul Pierce isn't the f***** GM, he probably scored around a 810 on his SAT's, and he's been behaving like a petulant pansy. This message is for Paul. YOU signed the deal, douche. You're getting max money and last season your job was sit on the bench and pilot your team to the second worst record in the league. Nobody owes you favors.
PRO: The Celtics will score a ton of points. CON: With this lineup, I can't think of an NBA team that will be worse defensively. Can you?
PRO: Allen will spread the floor for Big Al. CON: Will Big Al ever touch the ball?
PRO: The team looks pretty good on paper. CON: That doesn't mean anything.
BONUS CON: The Celtics' roster is completely lopsided and guard-heavy. BONUS CON #2: The team is coached by Doc Rivers, which is a guarantee of zero offensive continuity.
JURY'S STILL OUT: Is the up-tempo idea out the window? The Celtics have a new outside/curl around screens shooter, a spot up shooter from college (Pruitt, more on that later), and a certifiable fatty (Big Baby). I guess the team was never up tempo in the first place, but... weird.
THE CELTICS' DRAFT PERFORMANCE
PRO: The Celtics didn't draft the 23-year old high school senior from China. Phew... CON: Tommy Heinsohn will never scream "Kung PAO!!!!" after a Yi dunk.
PRO: The Celtics didn't really want the #5 pick anyway, and they got something good out of it. CON: Jeff Green could have been the "glue guy" that the Celtics need. In fact, he probably is. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he is. Dammit...
PRO: The Celtics used the 2nd round pick they got from the Sonics on Big Baby Davis. CON: They used the 32nd pick on Gabe Pruitt...? I mean, I like Pruitt, but another 6'4" shooting guard?
BIG PRO: I thought the Celtics were in an impossible situation, and I'm at least debating the merits of their decision. That's a victory. CON: My expectations were really, really, really low, and this could be a phyrric victory for all we know. The chemistry of the team is confuses me even to think about.
I*HEART*CELTICS RAMIFICATIONS
HUGE, DEPRESSING CON: Delonte West is hilarious, we love him, and we're going to miss him. PRO: Big Baby Davis is the fattest NBA player since Oliver Miller. SECOND PRO: We won't have to worry about Celtics dancers getting impregnated left and right. THIRD PRO: This video!
Pierce wants a trade, no veterans want to come to Boston, and there is an 22-year-old skinny Asian dude that plays against 17-year-olds wowing the scouts. It is a virtual guarantee that draft night will be a disaster. In fact, I don't see how it could possibly go well for the Celtics. So, with that in mind, let's look at the worst draft blunders in our franchise's storied history. That way, we'll know right away where this latest one will land!
16. Wayne Kreklow, 3rd round pick in 1979 NBA Draft. Kreklow played a grand total of 100 minutes in the NBA. Who did they pass on? The Reverend Al Green, who was taken 11 picks later. If the Celtics had taken that soul legend, they wouldn't have to pay jokers like Chris Brown to lip-sych about sipping champagne after games. They also passed on Bill Laimbeer... just saying...
15. Celtics draft Darren Tillis, Tony Guy, Perry Moss in 1982. There aren't many Red Auerbach goofs on this list, but this is one. The Celtics' first three picks in the draft didn't add up to much, and yet Mark "The Werewolf" Eaton was taken in the fourth round. The man averaged 1.3points and 2 rebounds a game at UCLA! How could Red have botched this one?!?
14. Charles Bradley, 23rd pick in the 1981 draft.
Why take Charles Bradley when there's a perfectly good Frank Brickowski available? COME ON.
13. Eric Montross, 9th pick in 1994. I have a hard time being too tough on Montross. Yes, the Celtics probably should have taken Eddie Jones, who went tenth. I know people talk about skipping Jalen Rose, but Rose wasn't really that great of a pro until his second team. Anyway, when you consider the fact that the C's already had Dee Brown, Kevin Gamble, Xavier McDaniel, and a pre-ADD meds Rick Fox, they had their shooting guard position settled as far as I am concerned. What more could you ask for?!?!? That's a killer lineup!! As for center, as depressing as it is now, Robert Parish was playing the 5 spot and he was roughly 73 years old at that point. The Celtics were faced with the possibility of playing Matt Wenstom extended minutes in 1994-95. They needed a big guy. Most people would have done the same thing.
Plus, Montross delivered easily a top-five funniest Celtics moment of all time when he bodyslammed Shaq Diesel before the pregame introductions. Plus, there was this classic sequence- Montross goes to the line, airballs free throw. Acie Earl gets ball, goes up for dunk, realizes mid-jump that it was the first free throw, winds up spazzing out and missing the dunk. Ref gathers ball, delivers to Montross. Montross airballs second free throw. Speaking of Acie...
12. Acie Earl, 19th pick in the 1993 NBA Draft
The early warning sign was the name "Acie". The second warning sign was that he was shaped like a pear and had looked like he had his hair cut by a blind dude with a weedwacker. The third warning sign was that he had hands as supple as cinderblocks. However, the Celtics were desperate for a big man (which is why they didn't even look at Sam Cassell or crazy-ass Nick Van Exel). In retrospect, they should have taken Gheorghe Muresan and tried to cash in on the runaway success of "My Giant".
11. Jon Barry, 21st pick in the 1993 draft.Not a bad pick, you say? YEAH RIGHT. Here is the list of players the Celtics could have taken that would have been roughly 8,000% more hilarious. Oliver Miller, Latrell Sprewell, Matt Geiger AND Popeye "Bat Boy" Jones were taken after Jon Barry. However, in fairness, Barry was traded for Alaa Adbelnaby, so he does get some bonus points for that.
10. Ron Mercer, sixth pick, 1997 Mercer wound up being a pretty good player, but TMac is a Hall of Famer. Future rule of thumb: if the guy you're thinking about drafting has a tattoo that looks like a temporary tattoo you could buy at the grocery store for a quarter, take a pass.
9. Michael Smith, 13th pick in the 1989 draft.
The list of players taken after this BYU product is staggering. Tim Hardaway, Shawn Kemp, Dana Barros, BJ Armstrong, Blue Edwards, and VLADE DIVAC for crying out loud. The fact that the Celts picked up the superior chain smoking European, Dino Radja, in the second round does soften the blow, but the fact that the Celtics could have had a Yugoslavian and Croatian on the same team is painful to think about now.
8. Jerome Moiso, 11th pick in 2000. This would be much higher on the list if the top end of this draft wasn't such a complete disaster altogether. Look at the players taken before Moiso:
Yamma hamma. When the three lanky white dudes are the best players taken in the top 10, it's a crappy, crappy draft. However, here is a list of good players that the Celtics passed up for Moiso: Desmond Mason, MoPete, Speedy Claxton, frikkin' Michael Redd and worst of all, Khalid El-Amin!!! Whenever someone tells you, "He's got freakish leaping ability, but his overall skills are raw and he lacks intensity," think of this draft.
7. Ben Pepper, 27th pick, 2nd round, 1997 No, I don't think that the Celtics should have taken Nate Erdmann or Roberto Duenas instead. Nothing symbolizes the futility of the mid-90's quite like the name "Ben Pepper". He was a 7 foot Australian dude who the Celtics picked with the third-to-last pick in the draft after missing out on another 7-footer, Tim Duncan in the lottery. Instead of the greatest power forward in history, the Celtics picked up some honkey from down under that nobody, and I do mean nobody, including those covering the draft, had ever heard of. He was never signed by the Celtics. In fact, the only interaction the team had with Pepper after they drafted him was when Pepper hand-delivered a note directly from the basketball gods, which read: "F*ck you, Boston. You're cursed from hereon to infinity. love, the gods"
6. Kris Klack, 26th pick, 2nd round, 1999 Klack was the fourth-to-last player taken this draft. He never made an NBA roster. No big deal, second rounders rarely do well. Wait a second... two picks later.... you guessed it- Manu Ginobili.
5. Len Bias, 2nd overall pick in the 1986 draft. Refined all-around game? Check. Incredible athleticism? Check. Illustrious collegiate career? Check. High probability he will stuff his face to the brim with a highly dangerous narcotic on draft night? Check. Bias was living in DC in the 80's... there were probably Senators dealing coke out of the back of their cars back then. Everyone knew that. The Celtics brass should have known better and kept him the f*ck out of that hellhole as soon as he was their employee. In fact, item 1 on his contract should have been, "Never go back to DC. You take the Bullets games off." That's what I would have done if I were in charge... who am I kidding? If I was in charge of the Celtics I would have been ordering 10,000 anchovy pizzas to be delivered to Bill Lambieer's house and while running around Los Angeles putting flaming bags of poop on Lakers' doorsteps.
4. Kedrick Brown, 11th pick, 2001 Anyone who complains about Gerald Green not having basketball IQ has probably blocked all memories of Kedrick Brown as a coping mechanism. Well, let me remind you. I'm pretty sure that he had a 75 inch vertical, but from what I can remember he didn't know how to hold a basketball and jump at the same time. I would list the players that were taken after him, but I'm still depressed from writing that Len Bias part. In fact, I should have done the most depressing part first, because I am losing steam here... oh screw it, RadVlad, Richard Jefferson, Troy Murphy, Zach Randolph, Gerald Wallace, Jamaal Tinsley, Tony Parker and Gilbert Arenas. Instead, the Celtics took a guy with explosive athletic ability that finished his career without a highlight, even in summer league. OUCH.
3. Joe Forte, 21st pick, 2001 The only pick from 2001 worse than Kedrick Brown (and Kirk Haston) was Joe Forte. Forte was a malcontent who behaved as though he had a schitzophrenic sociopath woman going through menopause. He punched people in pickup games, stormed out of practice when faced with a zone defense (may be true), flipped out on people seemingly at random, and flat-out refused to play point guard when he made the pros even though he was too small to play shooting guard. Well, he kept his promise, going 1-for-12 from the field in his Celtics career and was last seen speeding into the sunset wearing his trademark Scoobie-Doo jersey smoking weed laced with PCP and a couple loaded guns under the driver's seat.
2. THE TELFAIR TRADE, 2006 People will invariably accuse I*Heart*Celtics of simply choosing the latest injustice, but look at the facts. The Celtics had a legitimate steal on their hands in the seventh pick with Randy Foye. He could turn out to be the best player from a pretty good draft. The Celtics traded him away for the worst team in the league's THIRD STRING POINT GUARD- an undersized, overhyped, overdressed, self-indulgent wuss with a penchant for hiding loaded guns in odd locations. This is, by far, the most the Celtics have EVER been ripped off on draft day. Montross? They desperately needed a big man. Forte? They could gamble a little with three first round picks. Len Bias? Nobody saw that coming. You can sort of understand and reason through the logic behind what happened... but the Foye-for-Telfair trade would be like the T-Wolves drafting Jeff Green seventh and then trading him to the Celtics for Scalabrine.
1. Fill in the blank. This spot is reserved for whatever the Celtics do on Thursday night. This will be one for the record books. Think about it- have you heard a trade rumor that makes sense? Is there a potential bust that Danny Ainge hasn't heaped praise on? Did you hear him talking about Spencer Hawes?!? How about trading the #5 pick and the best young low post scorer in the league for a washed-up career loser Skeletor with the most outrageous contract in professional basketball... AND he HATES your city, AND can opt out in a year?!? How about drafting the Chinese dude who has been padding his mediocre stats against high school juniors when he's a college senior? There is no way this will end well, and after the dust clears all we'll be left with is a trade demand from the Truth. You heard it here first- the draft in 2007 will be one for the record books.
*UPDATE* While Celtics fans around the world (and by world I mean greater worcester area) battle anxiety attacks and sleepless nights worrying how Boston will screw up another season, I *Heart* Celtics has gotten exclusive footage of a recurring (wet) dream Danny Ainge has enjoyed every night as he sleeps soundly:
The NBA season is out for summer vacation, and the Celtics players have a lot on their plate. Brian Scalabrine needs to watch his weight, because Doc Rivers says that if he weighs more than his Isuzu Amigo come training camp, he will only play 30 minutes a game during the season. Tony Allen has rehab, and so does Vin Baker. However, we all know what the summer is really for- reading! Our I*Heart*Celtics investigatory journalists dug up the summer reading lists for our favorite players. If you want to buy the books, we have linked them to Amazon.com. (Note to Amazon.com, we're assuming that the check is in the mail, ok?)
Delonte -May I Kiss You? A Candid Look at Dating, Communication, Respect, & Sexual Assault Awareness - This summer will be one of learning for Delonte, who until now lived by the code "no means yes and yes means anal." This indispensible text on sexual etiquette will keep Delonte company on those lonely nights, and teach him the important lesson that, more often than not, women are lookin' for more than Jim Jones and Popeye's biscuits.
Scal - Chili's Menu - Nothing whets the Veal's appetite for summer reading like the Big Mouth Burger Menu from Chili's in Deadham. The laminated design is perfect for the on-the-go bookworm, especially for one as prone to spilling his juicy-juice as Scals. Considering Scal read his Olive Garden Bottomless Pasta Bowl Menu out loud so many times that his Scansoft Dragon Voice Recognition Software has learned Italian, I'm sure the Chili's menu will get some great reading mileage this summer.
G Green - What's happening to me? A Guide to Puberty - We all know puberty can be a tough time.This is why we have to help out our favorite high-flying-hormonal highlight reel understand the strange feelings he gets every time the Celtics dancers take the floor. It's called pity Gerald.
Wally - The Hunk and the Virgin - Based on the cover of this book, I am guessing the knee-weakening eye candy in the denim shirt and khaki pants is the titular "Hunk", but I can't decide whether "The Virgin" is the butter-face with the Jheri Curl or the golden retriever. It's questions like these that have led Wally and the entire I Heart Celtics to spend many sleepless nights curled up with this page-turner.
Pittsnogle - Phonemic Awareness: Playing With Sounds to Strengthen Beginning Reading Skills and Sleeping with Random Beasts - Since he's grown tired of having to take off his jersey and copy down his last name from the back of it every time he signs an autograph after a Pittsburgh Xplosion [sic] CBA basketball game, this summer our favorite snaggle-toothed sharpshooter decided to learn how to read. After about 10 minutes of trying to read the words on front cover, Pittsnogle broke down to tears, angry that the squirrel portrayed whispering answers into the little boys ear didn't show up to help him.
Dejected, Pittsnogle picked up a book on tape copy of "Sleeping with Random Beasts" only to find out it wasn't a beastiality porn. And thats the story of Kevin Pittsnogle and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
Doc Rivers - The Complete Idiot's Guide to Coaching Youth Basketball Obvious joke, maybe. But this guy could actually use it. He has been in the NBA coaching for 8 seasons, and he averages a staggering 34 wins per season. Why the hell do people keep giving him more chances?
Telfair - Boston's Gun Bible and Thank God I Had a Gun: Tales of Self-Defense Telfair has always loved Jesus, and he also loves firearms. So why divide his time between the two, when he could combine the Bible and his beloved Baretta in one volume? Not to mention Boston T. Party, the perennial Nobel Prize-snub (actually a Wyoming-seperatist and anti-gun-control movement)is the scribe! Better hope Fabolous doesn't steal your reading glasses Bassie!
Telfair can also relate to the second selection on his reading list this summer, as he has had to defend himself against some formidle forces of evil in the past:
February 15, 2006 - Telfair succesfully defends himself against airport security and the threat of an in-flight movie when he attempts to bring a gun in a pillowcase on to the Blazer's Charter flight near Boston. Thank god he had a gun.
April 20, 2007 (Yes Kandi-Man, that's 420) - Telfair succesfully defends himself against driving within 32 miles per hour of the posted speed limit on the Bronx River Parkway by doing 77 in a 45-zone carrying a loaded pistol under the passenger seat of his car. Thank god he had a gun.
Tony Allen - Is There a Problem, Officer? - After dodging a bullet getting off scot-free on his assault case, Tony has decided to brush up on the basics of law abiding and handling the constant nagging of police officers. Although Tony is more likely going to take the law into his own hands a la Steven Seagal than wait for the 5-0 to show up.
Perk - Swamp Thing: Spontaneous Generation - Spontaneous generation is exactly what the Celtics need from Perk this year. Although he may be hulking, he can come out of nowhere to generate boards, ruff up Anderson Veraejao, and block some shots. He has also emerged spontaneously as the guy who calls out all of his teammates to urge them to play harder, for better or for worse (see #1 funniest moment)...
Rondo - Clifford's Neighborhood (oversized Lift-the-flap) - No, Rondo is not illiterate. Rondo's problem is that the average book is way to small for his freakishly large hands. Consequently, Kevin Pittsnoggle recommended this oversized, lift-the-flap book from his "maybe when I'm older" book shelf, about Clifford the Big Red Dog. It still looks like a pocket dictionary in Rondo's hands.
Chris Herren - Fall River Dreams and How To Set Up A Pogo Sticks Online Store And Get Paid - Nostalgic for his pre-Crashing into a Dunkin' Donuts at 3AM with heroin in the back seat days, Herron decided to brush off his copy of Fall River Dreams this summer. Herren is taking a look back to the good old days, when he was a "prima donna whose laziness and insouciance not only prevented him from reaching his fullest potential, but undermined the efforts of the entire coaching staff and supporters, and generally created an atmosphere of discomfort and tension" says one reviewer of the book.
After realizing, like the reviewer, that the book does not portray him in a positive light, Herren decides to be more productive by starting an online pogo-stick business. No word yet on whether Kedrick Brown is for sale.
And, as a special bonus, we bring you the reading lists of some random non-Celtics-related players!
Greg Oden- Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking, Relativity: The Special and General Theory by Albert Einstein, and Xenophon's Socrates by Leo Strauss. Basically, Odie wants to catch up on all the reading he couldn't get around to during his rigorous History of Rock & Roll/Sociology 6 credit hour courseload during the last year. This self-proclaimed "genius" has purchased all of these books for his summer reading. Instead of reading them, we suspect that he will lie out by Josh McRoberts' parents' pool, leaf through one and just stack the rest of them by his beach chair. This will impress John McRoberts' mom, which will make Mike Conley Jr. jealous.
Scottie Pippen- Getting Yours: The Complete Guide to Government Money, Vol. 3 by Matthew Lesko, a.k.a. "the crazy guy in the question mark suit that scams the government for money." You wouldn't think that Scottie Pippen could read given his horrendous cue card performances whenever he goes on TV, but he can, to some degree. Anyway, this is a perfect book for Scottie "Mutant Horse Face" Pippen, who cashed in on $289,000 worth of farm subsidies this year. Thanks, taxpayers! In a related story, just moments ago, he demanded that his 17-year-old pizza delivery boy give him change for a $20 after getting $19.89 worth of food delivered to his 20,000 square foot house. Keep on rockin', Mr. Ed.
The Wonder of it All: Vin Baker Busted For Drunk Driving!!!
Good ole Vin and Tonic is at it again. Vinny Baker was arrested early this morning for drunken driving while leaving Foxwoods. This is how it went down...
Vin took a chance, made it happen, Popped a cork, took shots of Captain Spins the (steering) wheel, and round and round he goes, Life ain't good, life ain't sweet, In Vin Baker's driver's seat, Hit the street and had a ball, Vin Baker, the wonder of it all...
While some publications worry about naming the best players of the year, we here at I*Heart*Celtics want to make sure that no d-bag goes unrecognized. Without further ado, the I*Heart*Celtics All-Hate Team.
Sullivan's 2006-2007 All-Hate Team
PF Drew Gooden - That hair. That jersey number (90?). Plus he blows. SG Nate Robinson - Obnoxious little baby who leads the league in 24-second violations while dribbling around the three-point line with his head down. PG Eric Snow - So annoying. SF Vince Carter - the incarnation of the word "bitch". Embodies everything that is wrong with the NBA. C Bo Outlaw - Lanky, crazy, goggle-wearing freak. I hate this guy's game and he's a mega spazz considering he's about 80. He always takes cheap shots to make up for his sup-par abilities. I just always had it our for this guy. When he steps foot on the court I become severely impatient.
Bench:
Brendan Haywood - Fat. Kenyon Martin - Always a jerk while he was playing (or practicing). Once made fun of Alonzo Mourning for having kidney problems, ridculing him when he almost died. Then Kenyon's knee exploded. Karma finally caught up with him. Mark Blount - Don't even get me started. Steve Francis - Cry-baby, not a team player, mysterious injuries pop up whenever he feels like it. Jason Kidd - Blew kisses to his wife and was on the verge of tears when Celtic's fans called him a wife beater. Then he proceeded to drag his naked wife on the back of his car and cut her lip open with a samurai cookie toss and blamed it on his large-headed son. Need I say more? Yes? He also blew kisses to his wife for like 5 years every time he went to the line, punched his wife in the face over a french fry, and boned tons of TV reporters. How's that a bad thing you ask? Those TV reporters include PJ Carlisimo and Cheryl Miller.
Coach - Byron Scott - My hatred still lingers from those Celtics/Nets playoff series. I kinda haven't really thought about him in a while. But that time he went on a Boston radio show and said Boston fans were savages or something along those lines put him on my hate list for good. GM - Kevin McHale - Regardless of the fact that he almost killed BP and I when we said hi to him at the FleetCenter, he is still an inept GM (even when he cheats to get crappy players, see Joe Smith).
Referee - Joey Crawford - Even before the Duncan thing he was always too abrasive to be a ref. Fanbase - Dallas - A bunch of 50 year olds with trophy wives in formalwear who look like they are there to see Joel Ostein. Commentator - PJ Carlisimo/Stephen A. Smith - Even when my TV is on mute there is still audible, abrasive screaming spewing from these men. For the love of god shut up! Arena Name - Quicken Loans Arena - Lame name, plus the court is raised off the ground to accomodate floor level luxury boxes. Stupid. Arena Marketing Ploy - Playing hip-hop beats during gameplay. Possibly the most annoying thing in the history of sports. Somebody is under the misconception that playing Usher's "Yeah" every time Nate Robinson walks across center court garners street cred. Keep dreaming James Dolan. Uniform - Wizards - Both their standard teal and white and their hideous black and gold make the Rockets' old pinstripe uniforms look like Gucci Suits. Nickname - Black Mamba - What a douche. Play - Isolation fallaway 23-footer (aka the "LeBron" or "Paul Pierce 4th Quarter down by 2 Special") - A sure sign that you need a new coach. Any coach that lets this happen (Doc Rivers, Mike Brown) do not belong coaching an NBA team. Rule Change - 7 game First Round in Playoffs - The Onion puts it best. Fashion Statement - Headbands on everybody - Unless your name is Cliff Robinson, get off the bandwagon Celebrity Fan - Tie, Matthew Modine, Knicks "superfan", and Ashlee [sic] Simpson, Mavs bitchleader. Something about taking in a game at MSG in the presence of the man who brought you "Cutthroat Island" just doesn't do it for me. Plus Modine hosts every stupid show on the MSG channel, which exclusively exist to glorify John Stark's and Allan Houston's careers to the point where they look Hall of Fame worthy. I sat next to Ashlee Simpson at a Mavs game. She had a slutty Mavs jersey on and when she was interviewed on the jumbo tron said nothing about the game or the team, just plugged her asenine album. What a douche. Overused scouting jargon that means nothing: Tie, "Upside" and "Wingspan" - much more useful to describe birds.
BP'S TEAM
PG- Sebastian Telfair My personal scapegoat for the entire debacle that was the 2006-2007 season. I consulted the Elias Sports Bureau and discovered that 98% of Telfair's dribbles were while standing in one place. SG- Manu Ginobli He's on this list simply because I saw a feature on the Spurs where it's clear that Manu spends a lot of time on his hair. It's time wasted, Manu. Give Marv Albert a call. SF- Adam Morrison
Your mustache went to charmingly rebellious to tragic and depressing once we all realized that no one on the planet takes themselves more seriously than you do. Plus, you still listen to Rage Against the Machine. PF- Vin Baker Glad the Celtics paid this turkey-necked wino $5 million this year to drink homemade moonshine out of milk jugs in a back alley of Hartford. C- Kwame Brown Nothing brings I*Heart*Celtics more joy than a delicious birthday cake. Only a true douche smashes someone else's birthday cake. Nic cried for days when he heard the news.
Bench:
Chris Duhon- I'm still not over Dicky V publicly and incessantly fantasizing about giving Duhon a rusty trombone during televised broadcasts during Duhon's college career, I'll admit. However, he deserves a place on this year's list for these photos alone.
JJ Redick- Way to beat a 5'7" NASCAR driver in H-O-R-S-E by DUNKING, d-bag. Are you going to write a poem about it?
Larry Hughes- One of the worst guards in the NBA has one of the fattest contracts. In fact, he got paid $13 million this year to hobble around, shoot 40% from the field, rock the ugliest tattooes since Cherokee Parks, and get torched on defense. Not even the heartwarming tale about how much he loves strippers can ease my hatred.
"No Tippin'" Scottie Pippen-This horse-faced doofus reads cue cards like a robot, doesn't tip anyone, haggles strippers to lower their prices, and cashes in to the tune of $289,000 a year in, wait for it... FARM SUBSIDIES. I don't think it's possible for me to hate a human being more.
Rafael Araujo- This perfectly coifed, tattooed, slack-jawed, flat-footed jackass is a symbol of the NBA's nonexistant steroid policy. Way to move on that one, David Stern!
Head Coach- Eric Musselman
If you've got a tough-guy reputation, a DUI, and a horrible team in a lame city, you're a lock to be on this team year after year.
Assistant Coach- Kelvin Sampson Sure, he's a college coach, but he there's no bigger slimeball. In fact, he represents all that's slimy in the NCAA recruiting process. Now, I can expect at least 500 illegal text messages from this douche in the next three hours. General Manager- Joe Dumars
Has anyone been given more credit for lucky breaks than this guy?? Signing that dude named Nazi Mohammed paid off in spades, didn't it? How about CWebb?
Broadcast Cliche- The 9,673 big front-page spreads/TV specials on how Tim Duncan gets no publicity.
Missed Joke- In this sensitive world, can't I get at least one gay innuendo when exploring the tender closeness between Tim Duncan and Coach Pop? Or Greg Oden and Mike Conley Jr's undying devotion to each other? Dammit!
Failed Business Venture- JUST LET THE WNBA DIE.
Rule Change- At the beginning of the season, everyone was talking about how the refs were going to employ a "no tolerance" policy when it came to players bitching to the refs. Whatever happened to that?
Celebrity Fan- Snoop Dogg. He brings his pimp baton to whatever venue houses the winning team and acts as if he's been there the whole time. I propose that as soon as the Celtics make a playoff run they shut down every Holiday IIIIIIIIIIIIIn in New England and give all the herb available on the East Coast to the Kandi Man so that Snoop will stay the hell away.
Broadcaster- Stu Scott. When a honkey from the Bay State 'burbs thinks you're corny, you need a new schtick, DAWG.
Hair- Doug Collins, you're 55 years old and you look like the Crypt Keeper. Scalping one of the Nelson twins and sticking it on your bald spot doesn't help. It makes you look like a cross between Jessica Simpson's dad and a serial killer.
So, the rumor is that Danny Ainge is going after Robert Swift again. While (thankfully) it's only a rumor at this point, it's a stone cold fact that Robert Swift has a new look. But it seemed somewhat familiar... so we put our I*Heart*Celtics investigatory team on the case. It seems like three of our favorite redheads have been working out together. How did they do it?
Here's the "before" picture. Three red heads- united- determined to stop the world from making fun of them.
Carrot Top saw the results first. It gave him the confidence to achieve his dream- drawing in his eyebrows like a Vietnamese female manicurist while training full time for the eagerly anticipated "Chairman of the Board 2."
Robert Swift got some sweet tats to go with his pasty skin and his chin pubes. The tragedy is that the tattoo man on his arm already needs two major knee touch-ups.
...and Scalabrine finally achieved his dream of becoming the powerhouse in the paint he is today.
I Heart Celtics Annual NBA Draft Scouting Reports!!!!!!!
Although the NBA season is somehow still going on, here at I Heart Celtics it is never too early to start getting excited for the upcoming NBA draft. But instead of starting your NBA Draft party early this year (like the Scalabrines, pictured left), ask yourself the following: How well do you really know the prospects of this year's draft? To help out those who may be unfamiliar with the NBA newcomers not named Oden or Durant, BP, Sullivan, and Nic have thrown together the following rundown of the class of '07:
Greg Oden, Ohio State
BP says: He looks like an older version of a statue on Easter Island, he thinks Will Smith is the best rapper in the world, he is the only person alive who doesn't understand the way the NCAA tournament works, he thinks he is a "genius" while taking a rigorous Sociology 101/History of Rock & Roll schedule, and has a creepy-close relationship with a tiny sidekick manfriend. If you're looking to draft a total weirdo, he's a sure thing.
Sullivan says: How could you call this man a weirdo BP?: "[I] just do what I do, which is breathe, eat, ball, go out, and sleep (in that order lol)." So he talks a twelve year old fat girl talking on instant messenger. Thats still better than talking like a spasmodic retard a la Joakim Noah, and I quote: "We’re gonna do it BIG tonight. We’re gonna do it HUGE all day and all night. You guys have no idea what I’m talking about, but my boys know. Dem Gator boys know.” Whew.
Nic says: Oden may be weird, but his stoic demeaner and toughnesses reminds me of High Tower from the Police Academy movies. Not only would High Tower have dominated the NBA, but he was also my Dad's college roomate.
Spencer Hawes, Washington
BP says: The thing that makes me nervous about him is that when he was a junior in high school and with Martell Webster on his team, he didn't even qualify for the state tournament. (I found this out via NBADraft.net) How many 7-footers come from the state of Washington, and how many have a lottery pick on their team?!? Good gravy. Plus, he's slow and white. Bad combo.
Sullivan says: To add insult to injury, he said this: "I'm still pushing for everything [George W. Bush] is doing. Everyone else is jumping off his bandwagon, but I still love what he's doing." Be sure to check out Spencer Hawes new blog, I Heart Making the Entire World Want to Eradicate My Country From the Face of the Earth.
Nic says: Don't believe the hype. This guy's got BWR (Big White Retard) written all over him. He looks like a cross between Paul Davis and a pedofile. The Celtics may not get Greg Oden at Center, but at least there are plenty of slow 7 foot white guys and Chinese guys to choose from....
Tiago Splitter, Brazil
BP says: Splitter was a darkhorse last year before he didn't end up going pro (at least in the US). I can't remember what happened exactly, but I remember him being a potential lottery pick in some circles. He could be the steal of the draft. Then again, Josh McRoberts was supposed to be a lottery pick last year, and the only thing I can remember him doing this year is crying and losing. Splitter is supposedly a great athlete, but I've never seen him play. The fact that people say that he gets frustrated by physical play AND is injury prone makes me extremely nervous. Foreigners play like a bunch of Mary's, and this dude can't handle it?
Sullivan Says: I don't know BP, if any crew of foreigners plays tough, its the Brazilians (see Varejao, Barbosa, Nene). Unlike their pesky Argentine neighbors, they tend to be enforcers and hustle guys instead of floppers (see one Manu Ginobili, who I still and always will love, but is more likely to flop that the upcoming film "Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer" - which by the way, has beaten out Spiderman 3 as the movie I least want to see in the history of motion pictures).
Nic Says: F*ck you Sullivan. I agree with you on Tiago Splitter, but your way out of line on Fantastic Four:2. The Silver Surfer has save our planet so many times. The least you can do is go see the movie.
NBA Draft.net says: Unlike Pau, Marc is a below average athlete...NBA comparison: Todd MacCulloch
BP says: When you're being compared to Todd MacCulloch, I don't want you on the Celtics. I want the real thing.
Sullivan says: Well put BP. Plus, NBA brothers never quite pan out as well as their superstar kin: Gerald Wilkins (Brother of Dominique), Jason Collins (brother of Jarron), Jarron Collins (brother of Jason), Harvey Grant (Brother of Horace). Marc is destined to be another one of these goofs.
Nic Says: The scary thing about Todd MacCulloch is that he's only 30 years old. When he was playing for the Sixers in their hayday, he was only 25. I thought he was in his 40's. Watch out for slow white guys, they age quickly.
BP says: Nothing fills me with confidence more than a stellar "0" rating on NBADraft.net.
Sullivan says: Best case scenerio: Jiri Welcsh with a haircut. "Ante" Up Danny!
Nic Says: Dont be so quick to judge croatians. Two words: Dino Raja Bitches.
Aaron Gray, Pittsburg
BP says: Big, slow, white, slack-jawed and turnover prone. Basically, he's a beefier Pittsnogle without the shooting range, although he can read.
Sullivan says: I hate this guy. Hated watching him play, hated watching his entire team play. They had little fatty Fields and that dude with the Faux-Hawk and Vanilla Ice sideburns. The last Center the Celt's got from Pitt was Mark Blount. Need I say more? Next! Nic says: One GM but it best when he said "I'd rather go with a center like Aaron Gray, atleast I know he won't cause trouble."
Kyle Visser, Wake Forest
BP says: Funny-looking face, funny-looking jump shot, pasty as hell, and a total spazz with a penchant for driving the other team insane?!? Where have you been, Andrew DeClercq?!?
Andrew DeClercq says: Practicin' my flat-footed, two-handed, wildly inaccurate hook shot.
Stanko Barac, Bosnia
BP says: Easily the best name in the draft this year. Who is going to top "Stanko"? He is also the most troubling prospect thanks to his 7'1", 220 pound frame. He makes Kate Moss look like Butterbean.
Sullivan says: I don't know, my best name in the draft award goes to Avis Wyatt, for it evokes a tantilizing juxtaposition of a No-nonsense sheriff and a crappy car-rental joint.
Nic Says: Best case scenario. We draft him and I to write Stanko Barac, more like STINKO Barac.
POWER FORWARDS
Brandan Wright, UNC
BP says: If your mom spelled your own name wrong when you were born, it's no small miracle that you stand in line to make millions of dollars. Most Brandans are doomed from the start. I just hope the Celtics aren't the ones paying him, because he looks like Mark BLUNT and there are several players on the Carolina roster I would rather have on the team. Wright doesn't inspire me, because he never seems to play with anything resembling intensity. Of course, you have to consider the source of this criticism, a man who once smashed a chess board mid-game when he realized he was losing to his 10-year-old brother.
Sullivan says: I never saw him play. Which is a bad thing considering I saw at least 5 UNC games this year that he was playing in. Never noticed him.
Nic Says: Best case scenario: We draft him, he sucks and I write Brandon Wright? More like Brandon WRONG.
Yi Jianlian, Red China
BP says: Of all the nightmare scenarios, drafting a mysterious Chinaman with the 5th pick ranks somewhere between "Waking Up In a Bathtub Filled With Ice And Your Kidney Is Missing" and "Getting Your Toenails Ripped Out In a Dark Turkish Prison", right ahead of "Getting Caught With a Dimebag In Sri Lanka". His highlight reels are bizarre. Here's one set to "Zoom" by Dr. Dre and LL Cool J. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxHjuRoTLxA&mode=related&search=
Sullivan says: The hype surrounding this guy's Chinese Pro career is especially disturbing because it is well known that he lies about his age. He was literally playing against high school kids when he was old enough to be a college senior. Note about 1/3 of the way down in this year-old article , when he tells Shane Battier that he is 24. He now claims that he is 20. You don't have to be accountant extraordinare Greg Oden to figure out his math is Fuz-zy.
Check out this weird Nike-And 1 Mixtape Tour-Red China commercial.
I don't think he's a bad player. However, I don't know why the Celtics would bother drafting a finesse 4 or slow 3 with questionable toughness. Danny has been scouting him pretty heavy, from what my exclusive sources tell me, which means it's almost a guarantee that the C's will draft him unless there is a Robert Swift-esque miracle that saves the day.
Nic Says: You guys are idiots. 7 foot, goofy-ass chinese guy + Tom Heinhson on commentary= the most entertaining Celtics season since 1986.
Al Horford, Florida
BP says: If the Celtics hold on to their #5 pick, I hope they use it on Horford. If the Celtics are dedicated to moving the ball quickly upcourt, he is the best fit. He's fast, he rebounds, and he defends. Plus, he's a "smart" player that comes with very little risk. We know how dos Gator boys do. He doesn't dominate the ball, but he does a lot of helpful things. He's like Scalabrine with athleticism and basketball skills.
Sullivan says: Yeah I like this guy too. I'd definately take him, but I would be surprised if he's around at 5.
Nic says: I like the idea of double Big Al's.
Joakim Noah, Florida
BP says: As much as I would loooove having a ratfaced, cheerleader fighting, mumu-wearing spazz with an affected ghetto slang on the Celtics (for the comedy alone!), #5 is too early to take him. However, I would like to note that if his personality wasn't so annoying, there wouldn't be a basketball fan on God's green earth that didn't love his game. Sure, his "jumper" is more like a third grader heaving the ball at a ten foot basket, but who wants their power forward shooting jumpers?
Sullivan says: Although I never liked this guy much (in part because of his dancing), my well-informed coworker Dennis makes a good argument for taking him at #5 on his latest NBA mock draft on about.com . A winning attitude is something the Celtics need.
Nic Says: With Pierce and Big Al, the Celts have enough fire power. They could use an experienced proven winner to control the boards. He's still a tool though.
Al Thornton, Florida State
BP says: Anybody who is referred to as a "jaw dropping athlete" as well as "raw" has a very high Harold Minor/Stromile Swift potential in my eyes. If you're 23 years old and you are still trying to figure out the fundamentals... chances are they're never going to be very good. I guess the best case scenario is Kenyon Martin, but I don't want that douche within 50 miles of the Celtics.
Sullivan says: Amen.
Nic Says: Kedrick Brown had his moments.
Jason Smith, Colorado State
BP says: Smith got some pre-draft buzz last year before deciding to stay in school another year. Looks like it was a good move, because he was a lot better last year. He has nice touch around the basket and he plays with intensity but without making spastic/violent decisions. He doesn't have a lot of weaknesses, except for being weak. Most of his problems are ones that most big guys have (defending the perimeter, staying out of foul trouble, recognizing double teams), but he's surprisingly polished for a guy that was barely recruited coming out of high school. I am hoping that a bunch of random dudes have great workouts and he slips to the Celtics at #32, he'd be an outstanding pickup.
Sullivan: I don't know BP, as you can see in his IMDB profile , Smith's most recent employment was in a 2002 movie entitled "Little Dickie" in which he played Singing Cowboy/Lonely Drinker. If we draft him, we might all end up lonely drinkers by season's end.
Josh McRoberts, Duke
BP says: This guy went from a lottery pick to a "I'm staying in school" moral crusader to an embarassment to humanity to a end-of-the-first-round guy. Maybe he will go sooner, because the temptation to draft a well-known and nonthreatening white boy might be too great. Unfortunately for McRoberts, even Danny wouldn't draft him at #5, Indiana and Dallas don't have first-round picks, leaving Minnesota at #7 as the only white-o-phile front office that might take a chance on him. I don't mind McRoberts, even though all his highlights seem to come from blowouts, and his lowlights come when he cries after leading his team to another crushing ACC or tournament loss.
Sullivan says: McD-Bag.
Nic Says: The Celtics haven't drafted a white first-rounder since Eric Montross. Let's keep it that way.
Sean Williams, the curb
BP says: NBADraft.net's "NBA Comparison" has a huge influence on my opinion of a player. Sean Williams' NBA Comparison is the man currently consuming a huge amount of the Celtics' payroll while spending his days getting massages- Theo Ratliff. Bad omen. What NBADraft.net doesn't mention here is that Williams has Ratliff's skill set with Isiah Rider's baggage. Double bad omen. If Al Skinner kicks you off his basketball team, chances are you will be in SuperMax prison within 5 years. No thanks.
Sullivan says: Besides Dana Barros, BC players make terrible pros. I don't see this guy breaking the mold.
Nick Fazekas, Nevada
BP says: This is why you don't stay in school when you are a guaranteed first-round pick. Instead of a guaranteed contract and Summer League pickup games, you have a crappy non-guaranteed contract and Summer League tryouts. He should have bailed. Anyway, some smart team like the Spurs or the Suns will pick him up and he will help out right away. What's not to like? He's a fundamental big man with range on his jumper. His only problem is that he probably can't dunk even though he's 7 feet tall.
Sullivan says: Although, I feel like this guy is similar to Ryan Gomes. Celebrated his Junior year, fell off the radar his senior year. He will probably go second round and prove a valuable asset that every team would want. Like Gomes.
Glen "Big Baby" Davis, LSU
BP says: And the Khalid El-Amin award for "Stupidest Early Entry for a Doughboy" goes to... Big Baby! He's a short fatty with T-Rex arms, and he can't shoot. I heard his agent is already scheduling NFL tryouts. What a train wreck.
Sullivan says: The one-two punch of the Veal and Big Baby would leave Ruby Tuesday not knowing what hit 'em.
Nic Says: Big Baby is so cute. I like my power fowards like i like my women. Plump and juicy.
Stephane Lasme, UMASS
BP says: I thought he was a good player, then I saw that NBADraft.net compared him to "Keon Clarke (smaller)." Talk about the kiss of death...
Sullivan says: Does the Clark comparison include "preferred mode of transportation: motor scooter"?
SMALL FORWARDS/SHOOTING GUARDS
Kevin Durant, Texas
BP says: He's the best player to come along since Bron Bron, and he's going to be playing for a terrible franchise, in a gloomy city (one or the other), for a team that makes about as much sense as watching Donnie Darko dubbed over in pig latin after an all-night coke bender. What a shame.
Sullivan says: Hook 'Em BP. I'd much rather him go to Portland with fellow Longhorn Lamarcus Aldrige or Seattle with Ray Allen than see him go to A) Atlanta, or B) Milwaukee. I hate those two.
Jeff Green, Georgetown
BP says: I have watched a lot of Jeff Green since I have been living in DC for the last year, and he would be #3 on my big board. He's not as explosive as Durant, but he does everything else about as well. He is an excellent rebounder, and he's surprisingly long. He also benefits greatly from playing in the Princeton offense. He's almost patient to a fault (which is what everyone around here was bitching about after the Hoyas were eliminated), but he rarely takes a bad shot or makes a bad pass. If he's not the best-coached player in the draft, he's up there (dem Gator boys know what they're doing). Now, I think you can make the argument that Jeff Green is a product of the system, and I think that's true. Just like Josh Howard would suck on the Hawks but plays really well for the Mavs, Green needs to go to a well-coached team. Unfortunately, they don't exist in the lottery.
Cory Brewer, Florida
BP says: Cory Brewer looks like a combination of Nelly and the Tekdoc. I was never too impressed with him until this year's Final Four, during which he was clearly the best player on the floor. He does a lot of things well, and like Green, it's a shame that he will wind up going to a team like the Bobcats and look like an idiot. Then the Suns will trade for him and he'll look like a world-beater... before signing with the Hawks for a max contract.
Sullivan says: I never liked watching him play that much because he kind of looks like a weird Muppet or one of those Avenue Q characters. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Muppets, but not when they wear shorts down to their ankles and goofy headbands. I think I just OD-ed on him during the Florida media blitz over the past two years. He'll be good.
Julian Wright, Kansas
BP says: He looks like Tim Thomas and he's almost as irritating. His face pisses me off. He's a good player, but unfortunately he has been the throw-in dude for people that have been arguing that this draft is so "deep". Sure it is. It's so deep that you get the chance to take an unreliable, tempermental, streaky guard with a questionable attitude and work ethic with the 10th pick.
Thaddeus Young, Georgia Tech
BP says: I looooove this guy's game, but he would make me very nervous if he was drafted. He's so young and impressionable, he could get in a bad situation and never recover. However, he could also be a great scorer, because he takes the ball to the basket hard, he's big, and he can finish. His long-range game is spotty at best, but so is DWade's.
Derrick Byars, Vanderbuilt
BP says: I saw him play one game and he didn't play well. That's all I have to say about that.
Sullivan says: This is one player where I strongly disagree with you. I mean strongly. I love this kid. I watched him play throughout Vanderbuilt's underrated run in the tourney and fell in love with him. He has improved vastly over the past 2 years and is still improving. He hustles, plays defense, AND can score with the best of them. I really think this guy is the Josh Howard of this year's draft. If the Celtics didn't have a top 5 pick I'd take him with our first pick. Look at this highlight reel:
Daequan Cook, Ohio State
BP says: I have to admit I don't understand the buzz about this dude coming out early. He strikes me as a Nate Robinson-type... super quick, exciting, but hard to put on a successful team. That being said, if he drops to the Celtics at #32 (not going to happen), I would be STOKED.
Sullivan says: Nate Robinson type, and you are stoked BP? Come on! I forgot Nasty Nate when I listed Eric Snow as my second least favorite player in the NBA behind Drew Gooden. Nate is #2.
Marco Belinelli, Italy
BP says: If he can shoot as well as people say he can, he'd be good for any team that takes him. Who doesn't need a long-distance bomber? Who doesn't want one right now? One thing that I have found interesting lately is the fact that a three-pointer fires up a crowd much more than a dunk. I would love to have him, although I am naturally a little nervous about Italian athletes with all the flopping/scandals/dramatics that permeate throughout their athletic culture.
Sullivan says: I saw this guy do a 360 dunk in a game without even really exerting himself (its actually in the youtube clip below). He's also like a 6'6" Italian. He gets obvious comparison to Ginobili because of the amount of "i"s and "l"s in his Italian name and the fact that he is way to athletic for a white guy to be American (see Aaron Gray, Spencer Hawes, Brian Scalabrine).
Nick Young, USC
BP says: I like his mid-range game. He's a smart player on the court, and a smarter human being for getting the hell out of SoCal before that crazy-ass egomaniac OJ Mayo arrives with his circus tent full of dangerous hangers-on sweating all over booster money.
Marcus Williams, Arizona
BP says: I don't know a thing about this guy, but when I was doing a little research, I came across this quote from NBAdraft.net: "His combination of a 7 foot wing span and his skill set with the ball is illegal." It's about as "illegal" as it is against the law to be as sexy as Shaquille O'Neal. What a stupid comment.
Arron Aflalo, UCLA
BP says: As I mentioned before, if your mom spells your name wrong when you're born. Arron?!? Every day, I thank my lucky stars my mother didn't name me "Bennijammin". I'd probably be a fluffer for Screech's porn videos.
As for Arron, he should have stayed in school another year, because all I can think about is how Cory Brewer made him look like a horse's ass two years in a row in the NCAA final.
Sullivan says: Kevinnnnnn Pinckney has just dropped out as the only Celtic who ever might possibly read our blog. Way to alienate the weirdly-spelled first name demographic BP.
Eastern Washington guy, Eastern Washingon
BP says: Who watches Eastern Washington basketball games?!?
Arlando Tucker, Wisconsin
BP says: "Arlando" is pronounced "Orlando". In the beginning of the season, I believed that he was the best player in the NCAA. That changed quickly, but he's still a very good player that will be woefully short in DA LEAGUE. Still, since he'll be taken at the end of the first round by a decent team, he should wind up having a good career.
Morris Almond, Rice
BP says: I watch Rice basketball about as often as I watch Eastern Washington, and I didn't even know Eastern Washington existed until a couple months ago.
Sullivan says: I've long been curious about this guy. I read lots of scouting reports about him but remain convinced no one has seen him play. They just spew generic scouting babble about him. He's named after a nut. That's worth something.
POINT GUARDS
Mike Conley, Ohio State
BP says: Sometimes, high school sweethearts follow each other to college. It's pretty rare that they wind up getting jobs together. It's clear that Oden and Conley's relationship is more than just puppy love. In fact, given Oden's track record and Conley's devilish "If You Only Knew" grin, I'd put the odds of a Conley-Oden sextape at 3:1.
Sullivan says: Somewhere under house arrest, R Kelly is breathing a sigh of relief. That sex tape would keep old Kels company, considering both sex tapes involve a much older man and a (roughly) 14 year old...
Rudy Fernandez, Spain
BP says: I don't watch Spanish League basketball, so the only thing I can take away from this guy is that in his NBADraft.net profile, he looks like a one-toothed slackjawed ignoramus with $5,000 worth of product in his hair.
Gabe Pruitt, USC
BP says: Pruitt is an example to all black dudes named "Gabe" worldwide... all three of them. I loooove how quickly he pushes the ball up the floor. It gets me all excited in both appropriate and inappropriate ways.
Aaron Brooks, Oregon
BP says: The Blazers should take him in the second round so he never has to leave the Pacific Northwest. I actually like Brooks a lot- he's developed a nice release from long range and he can take anybody off the dribble. If there's a place for crazy Nate Robinson in DA LEAGUE, there's a place for Aaron Brooks.
Hair- Doug Collins, you're 55 years old and you look like the Crypt Keeper. Scalping one of the Nelson twins and sticking it on your bald spot doesn't help. It makes you look like a cross between Jessica Simpson's dad and a serial killer. 
...and Scalabrine finally achieved his dream of becoming the powerhouse in the paint he is today. 
