DONE DEAL: SKELETOR TO BOSTON

Looks like it's going to happen... here are the details.

Celtics get:
Kevin Garnett

Timberwolves get:
Al Jefferson
Gerald Green
Sebastian Telfair
Ryan Gomes
Theo Ratliff
Two first-round draft picks*

The Celtics immediately become an Eastern Conference contender- if everyone stays healthy. And, we'd better hope they do, because as of right now, frikkin' Scalabrine is the best option off the bench for three positions. The Celtics also don't have a backup point guard. Mind-boggling... but at the same time, the Celtics could be in the NBA Finals next year. For real. Not if-Perk-can-be-a-25-10-guy this year... for real. So, they had to get the best part of this deal.

Here were my concerns-
1) The cost would be too high.

I couldn't wait to ship Telfair out of town, obviously, and unfortunately Gerald was rendered pretty much useless when the C's traded for Ray Allen. Big Al is awesome, he's a younger KG, but KG is ready to win right away. It SUCKS that the Celtics had to lose Ryan Gomes, though... as Sullivan pointed out yesterday, he'd be a LOT more useful for the Celtics next year than Leon Powe- plus he was a local guy that was impossible not to like. Overall, the cost seems about right. Losing Gomes does sting, but, again, the Celtics are instant contender, so that's ok.

2) KG doesn't actually want to play in Boston and would opt out after one year.

I don't know the details, but this apparently isn't true anymore. I'm just going to hope this works out... because if KG leaves after a year without winning a championship this deal would have been a DISASTER. A complete disaster. So, let's hope this isn't true.

3) The Celtics would have absolutely no bench.

This is true, and I don't care what anybody says. The Celtics don't have a legit backup at center or at point guard, and their backup at the shooting guard and small forward has two destroyed knees. (Gabe Pruitt doesn't count, yet)

4) The Celtics could have their 1986 lineup and go nowhere with Doc Rivers at the helm.

.....

In, in conclusion and in summary, it will be great to root for a Celtics team that actually has a chance to win important games and possibly a championship. Kudos to Danny Ainge for putting the Celtics in this position... even if he has to pull drugged-up Chris Herren out of the driver's seat of a Ford Pinto smashed through the lobby of a Dunkin' Donuts to run the point.

Go Celtics!

*This part was added 7/31/07

Simple Comparison

Big Al's 2006-07 Stats
16ppg, 11rpg, 51% fg percentage, 22 years old, likes Boston, wants a reasonable extension.

KG's 2006-07 Stats
22ppg, 11rpg, 47% fg percentage, 30 years old, wants $25 mil per, bitchy about Boston, looks like Skeletor.

Here's hoping the Celtics don't trade Big Al.

*UPDATE*
Shira Springer says that Big Al is not included in this deal. That would be sweeeeet, son!

*UPDATE #2*
Nevermind. I'm pretty sure Shira just made that up. Never trust Shira ever again.

*UPDATE #3*
Kevin Garnett's agent said that he would play for Al-Qaida's team if they agree to pay him $26 million per season.

*UPDATE #4*
Garnett still believes that being "loyal" is getting a double-double every game, missing the playoffs, and bankrupting the franchise.

Update #5
by Sullivan

The Boston Herald Reports that the deal now includes Ryan Gomes in addition to Al, GGreen, Ratliff, Telfair, and a #1 Pick. I liked this deal (a lot more than BP did) before Gomes was thrown in. This new incarnation of the deal would leave us with only Paul Pierce, Rondo, busted knees Allen, the Veal, Perk, and Leon Powe from last year. Our only other players would be Brandon Wallace, Big Baby, Gabe Pruitt, and whatever other free agents they can muster. Suddenly our team is completely top-heavy. The big three would have to chip in 40 minutes a game each. Considering Garnett is 31, Allen is 32, and PP turns 30 before the season starts, this could be a rough season on these three. You would hope to get a solid 3 All-Star seasons out of each of them, but without a bench, they run the risk of wearing down fast.

I'm not saying I am completely off the wagon on this deal. I still think the Celtics needed to make a BIG move (not just Ray Allen) the second they didn't get a top 2 draft pick. They are heading in a logical direction utilizing their best asset in Paul Pierce by putting some fellow all-stars around him. But to give up EVERYTHING? I'm surprised they couldn't replace Gomes with Leon Powe (similar salaries). Gomes is much more than a throw-in. He really is the second best player in this trade, and they are making him sound like an after thought. I understand Big Al is the key and Ratliff's contract keeps the owners happy, but if I were Ainge I would call McHale's bluff on Gomes and refuse him...

EDDY CURRY ROBBED!

Chicago (ESPN)- NBA superstar and colossal lardass Eddy Curry was robbed in his home yesterday. The home was invaded by three gun-toting hoodlums, Curry and his family were tied up and the robbers stole $10,000 worth of cash and an undisclosed amount of jewelry. No one was injured in the incident.

"Mr. Curry and his family are lucky that no one was hurt," said Detective Dickau. "He kept on saying that he had a great security system, but I'm not so sure. He had a protective wall around the house, true, but it was made out of Twizzlers and Mike & Ike's. He also had a chocolate syrup moat, which was good, but... the whole house was made out of cake. It just wasn't that secure, especially when you take into account that it appears as though large portions of the home were already consumed. As of this time, we don't know whether the intruders ate their way in or Mr. Curry just, um, tunneled his way out of his own house leaving it open for the intruders to come and go as they pleased. It remains to be determined."

The Knicks said that their first concern was making sure that Mr. Curry wasn't hungry, and their second concern was to investigate whether it was a member of the Knicks' roster that performed the break-in. Nate Robinson's lawyers have yet to return calls.

Allan Ray Bolts for Italy!

THAT'S THE CHARMING, SLACK-JAWED PICTURE WE WILL ALL REMEMBER HIM BY; THOUSANDS OF RAY - ALLEN - OR - WAS - IT - ALLAN - RAY?!? JOKES ARE SNUFFED IN THEIR INFANCY FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND; APPARENTLY YOU CAN GET PAID AN EYE-POPPING (GET IT?) $2 MILLION A YEAR TO MISS 90% OF YOUR SHOTS IF YOU MOVE TO ITALY

Mercer Me!

RON MERCER ASSAULTS A BOUNCER WHILE HIS BUDDY STABS HIM; 1997 DRAFT BY THE CELTICS SOMEHOW FOUND A WAY TO GET EVEN WORSE

I*Heart*Celtics Covers the David Stern Press Conference

Nobody has enjoyed the accusations against defrocked ref Tim Donaghy more than I. First of all, there are the gambling allegations, which are juicy, but then you get the even juicier "he was always a psycho" stories- like the one from Donaghy's mailman, who says that Donaghy once tried to run him off the road. Or, even better, his neighbor, who accused him of setting their tractor on fire. Ah... sounds like someone with the mental fortitude to referee the most hotly contested and important playoff games!

Of course, I love the NBA, but anything that brings to light the staggering incompetence of the front office and officials is a good thing in my book. Finally, FINALLY, David Stern is getting some heat. I*Heart*Celtics has been bitching about the refs for years. So has everyone else that watches the league. They simply don't get the job done. Let's see how he does...

10:58
I have to decide which network to watch this press conference. CNN is too busy self-fellating about their brutally unwatchable Youtube debates last night, and the very possibility that Anderson Cooper would make me angry enough to pull a Donaghy and assault my mailman. ESPN has Skip Bayless!? Good gravy!! Meanwhile, Fox News has some guy that looks like Jim Lampley's screw-up cousin reading off of cue cards. Looks like it's Fox News for BP!

11:06
Here comes Stern. All cell phones and blackberries are turned off.

11:07
Stern looks visibly upset. His voice is trembling, even. My guess is that he knows a lot more than he will say in this press conference, and this story is going to get a lot, lot worse. I have never seen Stern look so upset.

11:10
Stern outlines the ways that the NBA prevents gambling on games. They have former FBI agents, Secret Service, and undercover cops working for them in security roles.

11:11
Stern drops the first "since 9/11" reference. When you're taking plays out of the Dubya playbook, you're in rough shape. He goes on and on about all the people they employ to prevent point shaving and illegal betting. The strategy here, of course, is to hammer you with so much random information that you zone out and say, "Wow, they really try hard. There's nothing they could have done." It sounds as though they have their own MI6 bureau, for crying out loud. Then, you look at a picture of Tim Donaghy and think, "THIS knuckle-dragger and some dumbass bookie friend could do it!?" Something doesn't add up here.

11:16
Stern talks about the neighbor dispute from January, 2005. YES!!! This is why I was waiting for. Of course, Stern doesn't give any of the "set his neighbor's tractor on fire" details, he skips over it, but says that the NBA sent an investigator over. I am completely unimpressed with his answer here. He doesn't give any information at all. In fact, he didn't even mention the word "tractor".

11:18
Investigators tell Stern that he was allegedly gambling at the Borgata in Atlantic City. However, the NBA's super agents couldn't find any evidence that he was gambling. However, because of the neighbor dispute and ensuing investigation, Donaghy was prohibited from working the second round of the playoffs that year as a punishment. Interesting! Clearly, the NBA understood that the guy was a lunatic and they didn't do much about it.

11:21
Donaghy is "top tier of performance" among NBA officials. The easy conclusion is- he's one of the best you got, and he's under investigation for point shaving and spends his off days driving his neighbor's golf cart into a ravine.... yikes.

11:22
Fast forward to June 20th of this year, when the FBI calls about an investigation of an NBA referee. This is the first the NBA knew about gambling.

11:24
Donaghy is accused of betting on NBA games, Stern is "not positive" it was games he worked. He "maybe" bet on other games he didn't work. He is, "accused of providing information to others for the purpose of allowing them to profit on the betting on NBA games."

11:26
Stern lets us know that Donaghy worked 139 regular season games and 8 playoff games in the last two years, the only years where he is suspected of gambling. Stern wants to make it clear that Donaghy is the only referee that has been accused of anything illegal (gambling or otherwise).

11:27
"All of my knowledge is secondhand." Nice deflection! This sets up Stern to easily deflect every goddamn question in the Q&A session.

11:28
Stern denies knowing that Donaghy was betting on games during the season. He acknowledges the investigation back in 2005 into Donaghy's dispute with his neighbor, but insists that it wasn't a gambling investigation.

11:29
This is the "most serious...and worst" situation that he has ever experienced. "We pledge that we will do everything...[that we can]...to continue to assure our fans that we are doing the best that we possibly can."

11:31
Insists that the officiating staff is "the best in the world" and that the games are "still decided on their merit". Alright......

11:32
Q&A time!

Good question by the Philly Daily News, "are you surprised that this slipped through the cracks?"

His answer is, "Yes." Then he goes rambling about double agents that turn against their country. He then admits that the "system should have been better". I am getting the distinct impression that Stern is not going to be forthcoming at all.

11:35
Rachel Nichols throws him a bone and asks him about his emotional state. Who couldn't see this coming? A touchy-feely question from Rachel Nichols... pity points! Pity points! He gets to talk about going to the NBA family picnic. Man oh man. This guy is a pro. I am going to come back to this later because I hate this kind of journalism. My guess is that Rachel Nichols gets a little kickback from the League for asking such a softball question. All this does is allow Stern to take the stance of, "I'm a nice guy, I try hard, I feel betrayed" to get the public sentiment behind him. I hope the questions get better.

11:37
Stern insists that Donaghy is a "rogue, isolated criminal," and that the refs do a great job most of the time. However, he doesn't really discuss how he could possibly KNOW that he's the only ref because the system doesn't catch anybody! The system doesn't even raise a red flag when the refs act like psychopaths!

11:42
Stern blames the media for giving the impression that the allegations are "escalating". Sure David, finding out that one of your refs is in the mob's pocket and receiving death threats is the media's problem. They're the ones blowing this out of proportion. You can always blame the media. Always. There is no better straw man. Stern is getting oddly defiant. YOU called this press conference, you f*cking gremlin!

11:44
"On the basis of my current understanding, this is an isolated incident." However, he won't comment about other refs possibly under investigation.

11:45
David's getting punchy! When asked about whether the reporter is "reading him right" about inconclusive evidence about specific point shaving. Stern snaps back, "You don't have to read me, you can ask me!" Then, he has to "choose his words carefully," and then gives no answer. What's with the attitude, David? I understand that he can't comment on some issues, but I can't stand his arrogant tone with these reporters.

11:47
Donaghy's neighbor was "menacing" him?!? THIS is the story, people!

11:48
Philadelphia Daily News asks about Donaghy's extensive anger issues, which apparently involve "postal workers", "fellow referees", and "golf courses". Apparently, the "sheer volume" was enough to threaten termination and to reprimand him, but not enough to fire him. There's your great system at work, numbnuts.

11:57
The Washington Post's Sally Jenkins finally asks the question about the Spurs-Suns playoff game. Thank you, Ms. Jenkins! Of course, Stern deflects the question, even though we all know damn well that game was tainted. That game may have ruined the whole f-ing league, and Stern skips right over it. Dammit.

11:58
Fox News switches to President Bush's press conference. This isn't the train wreck I wanted! I wanted the NBA's train wreck. I am forced to switch to ESPN.

12:00
There has only been one accusation of illegal gambling activity that he remembers, from 20 years ago, involving "a timer". If you can't trust your timers, who can you trust?

12:02
Gambling of all forms is prohibited by the NBA, with the exception of the "racetrack in the summertime," which was "bargained for by the Union." Every reporter in the room looks confused.

12:10
The good newspapers are asking the good questions... Wall Street Journal guy asks why the NBA didn't realize that he was calling more fouls and technical fouls than most refs. Stern denies those statistics. Good move. I wish he had to answer to this guy, or this article. How can Stern sidestep that question!?

Then, the WSJ guy follows up with asking whether the NBA should pay the refs more, Stern responds that Donaghy gets paid $260,000. That is interesting.

12:13
The AP guy asks why Stern has condemned Donaghy when he hasn't been charged with anything, to which Stern says Donaghy's lawyer has informed the NBA that Donaghy is considering a plea.

ESPN's audio feed dies. Alright, I guess that's it. Now we get Jay "Want To See What's In My Pants?" Crawford and Hubie "Dawn of the Dead" Brown. Big surprise, the ESPN people loooooove Stern's performance. Of course they do! They're friggin' business partners!

Alright, that's it, I guess, the TV is off. Here's what I think.

First and foremost, this story is going to get a lot worse for the NBA. Second, David Stern looked visibly shaken, defended his system, and accepted almost no responsibility for Donaghy's actions. I'll bet Stern gets praise for his performance, but it just pissed me off. He dodged questions (understandably, for some), defended himself and his crappy-ass failure of a ref-checking system, chastised the media (WTF), and didn't give me any indication that he knew what he was doing going forward. There was NO discussion as to how he can improve his system, NO discussion as to why Donaghy's psychotic personal history, NO discussion of the destroyed Phoenix-San Antonio series, and worst of all, NO discussion as to how Stern plans to address the abysmal refereeing in general in the NBA!

David, we all know that the reffing is, at best, inconsistent, and at worst, atrocious. Yet, you continue to defend your refs because you're too proud to admit that the league is a laughingstock BECAUSE of its officiating, not because A.I. wears a do-rag or 'Melo wears XXXXXXXXXL sweatpants below his ass.

I would predict that the situation will not improve. The guy in charge believes that the WNBA is valuable and that the refs that gift-wrapped the last two NBA Championships for the Heat and the Spurs, respectively, are competent. What a joke.

And now for the least surprising thing I've heard all day...

"Danny and Michelle Ainge have each made a $2,300 contribution to Mitt Romney's presidential campaign."

Granted he has a past in the sports bureaucracy, is the Governor of MA, and seems to be getting money from EVERYONE.

To see who the rest of the Celtics are lending campaign support to, check back soon...

YES!

The first fight in the following video shows how bad ass Larry Bird is, going after two of the biggest psychopaths in the history of the NBA this side of Sock's Daddy: Bill Laimbeer and Dennis Rodman. But the real gem is the second fight, where Robert Parrish punches Laimbeer in the head causing Laimbeer to bleed from the mouth, and Parrish doesn't even get a foul called on him. No personal, no technical, nothing.

For an added bonus, listen closely to the commentary as Mike Gorman calls the Cheif "hot" and Tommy says that Laimbeer is "cute".

Miracle on 34th Street!

The NY Liberty up the Ante!

To my delight, I found this in my inbox today:

"Enjoy a Free Hot Dog, Chips and Soda on The Garden (a $10.50 value: Get tickets today to see the New York Liberty and enjoy great basketball along with free food! What more do you need to get you out to Madison Square Garden to enjoy the New York Liberty experience?"

A month or so ago, it was a small popcorn (no joke). They are now offering a free hot dog, chips and soda if you buy a ten dollar ticket. When you buy a playoff ticket, you get a Toyota Prius, and if you buy a Rebecca Lobo jersey at the game you'll pocket a $100,000 Savings Bond.

Although initially surprising, these offers come from the same man who paid Larry Johnson $28 Million to retire, paid Jalen Rose $15 million to play for another team, paid Larry Brown $18 million not to coach the Knicks. Kiddies, address your Christmas lists this year to Santa Clause, C/O James Dolan, Chairman, Madison Square Garden, 7th Ave & 32nd St. , New York, NY 10001.

Antoine Walker Robbed!!!

Toine Robbed!!!

No, not of the MVP award (which he was by the way: 39% FG, 27% 3PT, 1.8 TO/g - the numbers don't lie my friend). Three time allstar and two time Celtic Antoine Walker was robbed at gunpoint yesterday in his home in Chicago. Apparently the assholes that robbed him took some cash, jewelry, and most-alarmingly, "a vehicle". Now Toine has never exactly been a modest individual (see Toine's response to a reporter who asked why he shoots so many threes: "Because there ain't no such thing as fours"), so I couldn't imagine stealing the Toine-mobile would be a very profitable endeavor. I mean, imagine trying to be discreet while driving a bright green hummer with the #8 all over it and vanity plates that say "I Make BsKts". You are going to have a tough time convincing cops that that baby is yours.

This was the second time Toine was robbed, the first since 2000 when he and Nazr Muhammed were robbed in their SUV while they were outside a restaurant waiting for it to open. I'll tell you, if every basketball player were robbed everytime he waited outside a restaurant waiting for it to open, Scal wouldn't even have the clothes on his back left over.


Summer League is very mediocre entertainment!

Last night I watched a little summer league on my TV. Knicks/Sonics. I noticed a few things. First, Jeff Green is better than I thought he was. I was never completely sold on Georgetown this year. They got to the Final Four sure, but it was on a bunch of buzzer beaters and lucky wins. Plus they have a goofy 7'3" guy that just stands under the hoop and somehow never gets called for 3 seconds.

But Green looked really good for the Sonics. Considering the effort level in this game fell somewhere between "Toronto era Vince Carter" and "Elton John's effort to walk 100 feet" (except for Ronaldo Balman, who even during summer league garbage minutes plays like a spastic gazelle on methamphetamine binge) I guess anybody with an ounce of energy would look pretty good. But he had a rediculous dunk over some white guy, hit the boards pretty hard, and just looked a bit more comfortable out there than Durant and the rest of them.

Do I smell a championship?

Nope, that's probably just Chapin.

The Celtics have an 80-1 chance of winning the championship this year according to Vegas oddsmakers. The only teams with worse odds are Memphis, Philly, and Atlanta. Good Lookin'.

Sun Ming Ming Drafted!

...By the Harlem Globetrotters. In a testament to their drastic fall from grace, the Harlem Globetrotters have signed Sun Ming Ming (yes, the 7'9" Chinese guy) as their newest member. Apparently the Golobetrotters were in need of a man whose brain is so far from his hands that he cannot raise his hands in time to block a shot. But as long as he can spin the ball on his finger and whistle (not to mention step on Chris Tucker, see below), I'm sure its of no consequnce...

Gossip: Ray Allen Has Perfect Ankles!

-Apparantly, all rumors that Jesus Shuttlesworth has cankles are unfounded. They are "perfect", according to the man himself. Good to know, because after he had painful bone spurs sawed off each ankle, I thought Jesus' modeling/acting career was over. I'm just glad that we live in a day and age when intensive surgery on fragile body components can render them "perfect".

-In the same story, we found out that Big Baby Davis weighs 290 pounds. When reached for comment, Brian Scalabrine said, "Pfft, what do I care. I ate 291 pounds worth of Cinnabuns for breakfast this morning."

-Speaking of Glen Davis, I wanted to direct your attention to GlenDavis.org. GlenDavis.org is a website. GlenDavis.org is all about Glen Davis. GlenDavis.org has some classic Glen Davis quotes. GlenDavis.org has pictures of Glen Davis looking fat. GlenDavis.org is a website updated daily that will promise to be great for years to come.

-Jason frikkin' Kapono signed a 4yr, $24 million dollar deal with the normally rational Toronto Raptors the other day. These are the same Raptors that don't play MoPete, who makes less money, is more athletic, and isn't a Stage 4 Clomper. Sure, Kapono will play huge against the Celtics this year and make me look like an ass, but what are the chances that he's still earning that check in two years? Also, why didn't the Toronto Raptors have any draft picks this year? The wheels are coming off the wagon, folks...

-Speaking of terrible decisions by the Toronto Raptors, the player they basically gave away for nothing, Air Canada, just signed a 4-year deal with the Nets, setting a new record for amount of money thrown at a player that's ALREADY washed up. The previous record holder? You guessed it. Gin Baker.

All-Hate Team Honorable Mention: Yi Jianlian

The I*Heart*Celtics All-Hate team was announced with a great deal of fanfare at the end of the season. We figured that nobody's performance at the NBA draft would be enough to earn a spot. After all, it had never happened before in the history of the All-Hate team. Well, Mr. Yi, you're already making history!

First, you lied about your age. You said you were a teenager when, in fact, you were in your twenties and you were playing AGAINST teenagers. As a result, we had to listen to a bunch of idiots talk about your incredible game when, in fact, only 37% of the people you played against had pubes.

Second, you made this weird-as-f*** commercial. I don't know what it means, but I do know that it sucks, and it may be annoying enough to start World War III. I hope Dick Cheney isn't reading I*Heart*Celtics today.

Third, you tried to block lottery teams from watching you work out. Not smart, because the teams that you blocked like you the most and are in the lottery. What does that mean? They are the teams most willing to give you an outrageous contract you don't deserve after your rookie deal is up.

Fourth, you tempted Danny Ainge to draft you with the #5 pick, which caused all of us great emotional pain and possibly irreperable damage.

Fifth, you tried to show off in this video, which is basically you shooting jumpers and dunking on 5'10" dudes in their mid-40's. Niiiice.

Sixth, you bitched and moaned when you were drafted by the Bucks. Apparantly, you don't like the fact that there isn't a thriving Asian population in Wisconsin. I beg to differ. From what I heard, you have about 30 "handlers" following you around wherever you go. Also, a quick superpages search of Chinese restaurants in Wisconin yields 288 results. They can't all be sketchy and gross! Wisconsin is practically New Mongolia. If you want to be in a more Chinese city, STAY IN CHINA.

All of these things were annoying, but the final straw, Mr. Yi, was your abysmal performance playing against the US U-19 team over the weekend. Your team got pasted, and you scored 4 points while the US built a 20 point lead. Then, you scored 11 in the fourth quarter, cutting the lead to 16. Now, the US U-19 team? Here's the roster.

Patrick Beverly (Arkansas)
Darrell Arthur (Kansas / Dallas, Texas)
Michael Beasley (Notre Dame Prep, Mass./ Frederick, Md.)
Matt Bouldin (Gonzaga / Highlands Ranch, Colo.)
Stephen Curry (Davidson / Charlotte, N.C.)
Jonny Flynn (Niagara Falls H.S. / Niagara Falls, N.Y.)
Donte’ Greene (Towson Catholic H.S. / Baltimore, Md.)
DeAndre Jordan (Bellaire Episcopal H.S. / Humble, Texas)
David Lighty (Ohio State / Cleveland, Ohio)
Raymar Morgan (Michigan State / Canton, Ohio)
Tajuan Porter (Oregon / Detroit, Mich.)
Deon Thompson (North Carolina / Torrance, Calif.)

Good players all, don't get me wrong, but these aren't pros, and they made you, Yi, look like a fool. A fool! They also allowed you to join the wifebeating, ugly-ass, brain dead douches on our All-Hate team. Congratulations.

***UPDATED*** Thanks to one of the commenters on this blog, another great Yi video has come to our attention. This video is enough to make me want to swear off General Tso's chicken forever. Check this out. It's called "Yi's 18 moves". One of them is taking a free throw. One is pulling down an uncontested rebound. One is making a layup. Two of them are throwing bounce passes. One of them is fake boxing out a 5'10" dude. Good gravy.