Orien Greene to sign with Sacramento Queens. Scwarzenegger announces all of California changed to a 20-MPH school zone

From the Sacramento Bee:

In another move, third-year point guard Orien Greene has agreed to terms with the Kings and is expected to sign this weekend, according to a league source.

His contract is believed to be for one season and is only partially guaranteed, meaning he must win the backup point guard job during training camp in October.

Sources tell I Heart Celtics that in an effort to sign the contract before the Kings' management had second thoughts, Greene chose not to fly but to drive to Sacramento from his Waltham home. He made the trans-continental trip in just under 3 hours.

SKIP 2 MY LOU SLASHES THROUGH DEFENSES, PARTYGOERS

A week after getting busted for drunkenly spitting on a parking lot attendant, Skip 2 My Lou was booked for felony assault for "slashing" a man's neck outside a "Manhattan nightspot". One more arrest in a seven-day period officially puts him on a crime spree! This partygoer would have been wise to heed the time-tested I*Heart*Celtics credo: "If you're in a nightclub with an NBA player, run for your life. If you're in a nightclub with an NBA player and a stripper, former stripper, or prostitute, immediately start scribbling your will and testament on a cocktail napkin." This guy clearly doesn't read this website enough, and what happens? He gets slashed.

Apparantly, things escalated quickly.

The man who said he was injured told police the incident occurred at about 3 a.m. Monday after he and Alston accidentally bumped each other inside Club Stereo. During an ensuing argument, the man said, Alston slashed his neck.

The 41-year-old went to a hospital to be treated for a minor neck injury, then filed a complaint at a police precinct.

Bumping an NBA player- never a good move. You might as well bump a live grenade. If you bump and NBA player, the best case scenario is that your neck is gonna get slashed. It remains unclear what Skip slashed the man's neck with. My money is on a diamond-and-razorblade encrusted crack pipe. I especially enjoyed this reaction from the front office:

"Obviously, it is troubling that Rafer was again in a situation involving the police," Rockets' GM Daryl Morey said in a statement. "We take these matters very seriously — the Rockets expect all employees to represent the organization in a first-class manner. Until more facts are gathered from all parties, it would be inappropriate for me to comment further."

Rafer, your GM might not think so, but we here at I*Heart*Celtics believe that in the world of NBA crime, you conduct yourself in a first class manner!

Milt: It does a body good

After seven semi-productive seasons throwing full court bounce passes to Erick Strickland that landed 35 feet out of bounds, Milk Potassio has signed with the Serbian club Partizan. Partizan's coach says the club looks forward to stronger bones, tenacious vitamin D, and plenty of all-out Riboflavin.

Milk spent the past seven years enriching the diets of the Celtics, Raptors, Grizz, Jazz, Cavs, and Suns.

Celtics Sign Posey. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke deems BP's custom made Ruben Patterson Celtics jersey a bad investment.

Meet the Matador!

CELTICS SIGN JAMES POSEY, A RELIABLE DEFENSIVE-MINDED VETERAN SIXTH MAN EVERY NIGHT EXCEPT WHEN HE PLAYS THE BULLS, WHEN HE TRANSFORMS INTO A LUOL DENG-TACKLING, KIRK HINRICH-PLOWING CHEAP-SHOT ARTIST; I*HEART*CELTICS TOTALLY STOKED!!!

The Celtics made another great move over the weekend, signing James Posey to a two-year, $7 million contract. Posey is a perfect fit for the Celtics- a veteran that can play great defense and doesn't take sh!t from anybody. While we enjoyed Scalabrine playing tough guy last year as much as anybody, you can't have a dough boy playing grabass in the paint as your enforcer if you want to be taken seriously. Posey has delivered some of the most outrageous and hilarious flagrant fouls in recent memory... at times out-Bowening Bruce Bowen. He has been especially prolific against the Chicago Bulls, hence the nickname, "the Matador". Remember how much you enjoyed Tyrus Thomas in a facemask? Remember how much you wanted Luol Deng to get tackled when he was playing for Duke? Still angry at Kirk Hinrich because he stole Bob Dylan's face? You can thank James Posey for laying the smack down on all those bitches.

Posey does almost everything well. He can shoot, he can defend, he can rebound, and he can pass the ball. The only thing he doesn't do well is drive under the influence or make a plausible alibi. Check this out- after being pulled over for stopping in the middle of a two-lane road to chit-chat with pedestrians and other motorists, and was pulled out of the car by the cops.

Once out of the car, Posey displayed "bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, and
an odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath," the police report said. The
player also was unsteady on his feet and swayed while standing, police said.

Posey's excuse?

"Please know that I was neither intoxicated nor was I driving at the time," Posey said. "However, out of respect to the police, and to the legal process which must follow, it would be inappropriate for me to comment further at this moment."

Nice! Hopefully, Posey will follow the trail of sixth-man greatness paved by John Havlicek and not the trail of driving-under-the-influence incompetence paved by Vin Baker and Chris Herren.

Welcome to Boston, James! Now, don't f*ck it up. You're making more than $3 million a year, so HIRE A F*CKING TAXI, DOUCHEBAG!

Ruben Patterson?!?

WE HAVE THREE NO-NONSENSE SUPERSTARS READY TO CONTEND; WHY NOT ADD A NANNY-FONDLING, WIFE-BEATING, RANDOM-DUDE ASSAULTING, ME-FIRST, SELF-AGGRANDIZING, TEAM-KILLING, SEX OFFENDER TO THE TEAM?

This story, being spread by Patterson himself and the Boston Herald, had better not be true. The man is such a criminal he can't even remember to register as a sex offender. Here's what the Herald says:

The Celtics must now resume their search for bench help, with one looming possibility said to be Ruben Patterson, a defensively-tough free agent swingman who played for the Bucks last season.

Here's my main problem with Ruben Patterson- he's a rapist. My second problem is that he's a wife-beating asshole. My third problem is that he called himself a "Kobe Stopper" when, in fact, he was nothing of the sort. This man sucks at life, and he would be a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE addition to the Celtics. People always rave about his defensive capability and his rebounding. Both are assets... for about three weeks. Then, he methodically tries to either commit a crime embarassing to the franchise or tries to sabotage his team or coach.

Yes, he is a tough player. Unfortunately, when you weigh that with the fact that he will have to register in Massachusetts as a sex offender if he joins the Green, plus he bitches about playing time wherever he goes... and on top of that, he has the AUDACITY to believe that HE is the missing link between the Celtics and banner #17! Ruben Patterson's exhibit fills an ENTIRE WING at that Douchebag Hall of Fame.

Also, for all you "bottom line" people out there... I don't buy the argument that people can separate their personal troubles from their professional performance. Bullshit! Patterson is a VIOLENT CRIMINAL. Let's see, Game 7, Eastern Conference Finals, overtime... do you want a guy on the floor who PUNCHED SOMEONE IN THE FACE BECAUSE HIS CAR GOT SCRATCHED?!? How many people with his rap sheet have gone on to have healthy, long term, positive-impact careers on the basketball court? Not many, jack!

I know what the Herald is doing here. They are proposing a rumor to get people like me all pissed off. It's like taking candy from a baby, or in Ruben Patterson's case, taking advantage of a nanny. However, let me make it clear that even proposing the rumor that Ruben f-ing Patterson would wear the same uniform as Bill Russell is morally reprehensible. So, screw you, rumor-starting guy! Screw you!!!

BAT BOY STAYS IN RETIREMENT

REGGIE MILLER WILL NOT BE JOINING THE CELTICS; I*HEART*CELTICS GOES RIGHT BACK TO HATING THAT FLOPPING, FANGED, TRANNY-LOOKING DICKWAD; CHERYL MILLER STILL AVAILABLE

I Heart Celtics Exclusive!

Reggie Miller's two-a-day workout tape! No wonder he isn't coming back - he's shriveled down to 86 pounds and wears shorts that wouldn't fit on a Scalabrine bobblehead:

CAN YOU GUESS WHICH 13-YEAR NBA VETERAN WAS ARRESTED TODAY?

IF YOU GUESSED "VERNON MAXWELL", YOU'RE AWESOME! (THANKS TO FREEDARKO FOR THE GREAT PHOTO); NBA CONTINUES OUTSTANDING OFF-SEASON PUBLIC RELATIONS CAMPAIGN

As if offended by the attention Stranglin' Sprewell was getting for his boat getting repossessed, Vernon Maxwell got busted and is being held without bail for probation violation. He was arrested back in 2006 for a drug charge. His crime greatest hits include: NCAA violations expunging his last two years of statistics from the record books, punching a fan, hitting Carl Herrera in the head with a barbel, being court-ordered to pay over $500,000 for knowingly giving a woman herpes BEFORE Ron Mexico made it popular, and failing to pay child support. Anyway, back to the recent news.

Maxwell turned himself into Alachua County authorities Sunday after a national warrant was issued for his arrest. According to Spencer Mann of the State Attorney's Office, Maxwell violated terms of his probation by failing to pay the state for his supervision, possessing a controlled substance and failing to pay court-ordered child support. Mann said Maxwell was arrested in Mecklenberg County, N.C., in May of 2006 on drug possession charges.

Child support has long been the bane of our favorite edge-of-the-law NBA'ers. How much does Mr. Maxwell owe?

Court records show Maxwell is close to $350,000 behind in child support payments to the son he fathered with Gainesville resident Myra Jammer. Jammer said Maxwell has not paid child support on a consistent basis for the past 10 years.

If Mr. Maxwell does have the money, Ms. Jammer will get one of those supersized checks like winning the Sweepstakes. Unfortunately, the chances of her getting the money, considering that Maxwell is a free-spending lunatic, are about as good as her winning the Sweepstakes. I love this game!

Milwaukee's Best, Reposessed!

Since the beginning of time, it seemed that Latrell Sprewells yacht, Milwaukee's Best (above), was always a magnet of mayhem.

First, there was the time he allegedly strangled a woman that he brought back to the beast for a game of grab-ass.

Then, some chick barfed on Milwaukee's Best (No word on whether she barfed Milwaukee's Best on Milwaukee's Best, but that really would be awesome), which somehow ledSprewell to punch a wall and break his hand. When the Knicks fined him (essentially for being a moron), he coughed up the classic defense: "If somebody just deserves a spanking, don't bring that whip down on them. That's just petty. ... The whole thing is a farce."

Farcical, maybe, but that won't keep the Re-Po man from delivering a spanking of his own. From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

Former professional basketball star Latrell Sprewell,
who three years ago rejected a $21 million contract offer, calling it
insulting and saying he had a family to feed, had his 70-foot, $1.5
million, Italian-built yacht repossessed Tuesday.

Armed with an order from U.S. Magistrate Judge William E. Callahan Jr., a federal marshal seized the vessel in Manitowoc, where it sat in storage.

So what lessons has Latrell learned from all of this? A multitude of them.

1) Buying a $1.5 million Italian yacht and then naming it after the most disgusting bitches brew of a beer ever is bad news.

2) If a chick barfs on your yacht, don't punch a wall or you will get whipped and spanked by the New York Knicks (to the delight of Isaiah Thomas, no doubt).

3) Don't strangle chicks while banging them on your loaned yacht. Especially when you are married.

4) Don't quit your job because you are only offered $7 million per year.

Eddie Griffin 1982 – 2007

In a tragic ending to a troubled life, Eddie Griffin was killed when he crashed his SUV into a train in Houston last week. Griffin was much funnier than the comedian of the same name (think Undercover Brother), and he will be sorely missed.

Perkins expecting baby within a month; Gerber baby food announces 500% increase in outmeal-pear-broken glass puree production

Don't be surprised if you see Kendrick Perkins in the baby food aisle at your local Star Market these days. As if you couldn't tell by the jubilant look on his face above, the man we know belovedly as "Swamp Thing" is expecting a child. No word yet on who or what the mother is, but sources (and by sources I mean my internet explorer homepage, Celebrity Baby Blog) tell me the lucky woman's name is Vanity.

Master of the punny headline Shira "Is that a fact?" Springer has the call in an article entitled "Pivotal Season for Center", although considering this is the same Shira Springer that reported moments before the Garnett blockbuster that Al Jefferson would not be involved in the trade, I ain't buying my baby shower present yet.:

With the birth of his first child expected in early September, Perkins has taken a more mature approach to his life and career, thinking long and hard about his priorities.

"It's kind of crazy right now," said Perkins. "The month of August and September, you really try to attack workouts hard as far as trying to kill yourself conditioning-wise, and you've got a baby on the way. But that only makes you stronger mentally, having to go through whatever you go through at home and then come in.

Congratulations to our enforcer in the middle, and we at I Heart Celts hope Perk and Vanity have a healthy baby that can bench press their house and eat their mortgage just like papa Perk.

The Brandon Hunter becomes the Brandon Hunted

As if you needed any more of a reason not to hang out in Orlando, the worst city in the USA almost killed ex-Celtic Brandon Hunter yesterday. In a totally predictable twist, it was at the stripper-infested home of Washington Wizard DeShawn Stevenson.

It all went down like this:

Police said there is evidence of a "gun battle" with shots being fired both into and out of Stevenson's home. Investigators said a party was going on at the time of the shooting, and several NBA players were in attendance, including former Cavaliers forward Brandon Hunter.

A man identified as Curtis Ruff was treated at a local hospital for a gunshot wound to the leg.

I guess Hunter should have known better than to hang out with DeShawn Stevenson, whose house he was hanging out at when some douche in (you guessed it) an Escalade started shooting at Hunter and Stevenson's house. Luckily for Hunter, he and the would-be assasin shared the same shooting coach (see picture above), accounting for Hunter's 48% career free throw percentage and the fact that the only thing the perp shot was a parked Lexus.

There is no indication of who fired the shots from Stevenson's house, although it is subtley implied that Hunter tapped his inner Stephen Jackson and slipped a few slugs into the passing Caddy. The dude who got shot was apparently driving the Caddy, and had been arguing with Hunter earlier at a strip club.

No word yet on what role Zach Randolph played in this fiasco, but it was probably a large one.

SCALABRINE'S FAVORITE ARTIST ARRESTED

UNKLE KRACKER RECENT GRADUATE OF RUBEN PATTERSON ETIQUETTE SCHOOLS; NO WORD WHETHER SHAQ WAS THE POINT MAN ON THIS SEX STING

SI: DONAGHY MANIPULATED A CELTICS GAME

I meant to post this the other day, but SI had a great story on what games Tim "Horse Face" Donaghy may have fixed. One of them was that Celtics-Sixers game from last year when the C's absolutely pasted the Iverson-less Sixers in the second half. He presided over one other blowout (Phoenix over the Heat missing Wade, Shaq, and Riley) that seemed pretty benign and a very sketchy OT win by the Raptors (cruising past the over/under). The sketchiest was this one, though:

April 10: Nets 96, Wizards 92
Favored by three points, the Nets held on against a Washington team missing Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler when DeShawn Stevenson drove the lane twice in the final minute and didn't draw a foul either time. The officiating crew of Donaghy, Joe Forte and Sean Wright had already made plenty of calls before that: The ragged game included 54 fouls and 73 free throws.

I Heart Gilbert Arenas

My favorite player in the league, Gilbert Arenas, also has my favorite blog in the universe over on NBA.com. He also just penned his best entry yet just the other day. Here are some highlights!

A present!

I couldn’t decide on a wedding gift. So, I kinda paid for the wedding. You don’t know what to give for gifts so you give money. If they end up using the money for the wedding, you end up paying for the wedding.

A mid-concert workout!

For all the Beyoncé fans out there, I went to her concert. You know, you see her
on TV and you think, “Oh man, does she really look that pretty in person?” Yes.
She does. I never realized what makes her so different until I saw her live.
She’s an entertainer. She has everything. She entertained me. I gladly spent
money on a suite to see her. I invited a couple of my teammates too. DeShawn
Stevenson came, Caron came … I watched the first eight songs or so, then
went down and worked out, and went back to the suite to watch the
ending.

An award!

Usually I give out awards at the end
of the year, but somebody won the “Best Interview of the Century” award this
summer. If you guys haven’t seen it, you need to search “Marbury interview” on
YouTube. If you don’t think this is the best interview in history, something is mentally wrong with you. It was so good, I watched
it 12 times just to make sure that what I was watching was actually real and I
wasn’t imagining it.
He’s like, “I’m going to average 10 points, 11-12
dimes, four assists …” And I’m like, “What? Last time I checked, dimes and
assists were the same thing.” Then he answers his cell phone in the middle of
the interview. And at the end he just starts screaming, “Do it with me now! Do
it with me!” I had to rewind it just to make sure it was really Stephon Marbury
on there. So, I present Steph with the "Interview of the Century" Hibachi Award!

A challenge!

For all of you Madden fans out there that are camping out, waiting for the game
to be released, I know what it's like. I used to do that too. But not anymore.
Being on the cover of NBA LIVE '08 comes with its priveleges. I already got a copy of Madden. You can meet me in the lobby, my tag is Agent Arenas.

I*Heart*Celtics Identifies an Enemy Combatant

WE'RE ON TO YOU, "Lou Soteriou"!!! DAN DICKAU AND THE REST OF GARDEN SECURITY PUT ON HIGH ALERT AFTER CONNECTICUT D-BAG CURSES OUT THE JESUS FOR NO REASON; THIS IS DEFINITELY A PICTURE OF THE D-BAG IN QUESTION BECAUSE IT WAS THE FIRST PICTURE TO POP UP AFTER A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH

Jesus Shuttlesworth was the special guest of a gym down in Connecticut the other day, offering to pay for a membership and even offering to appear in commercials for the gym when the psychotic lawyer-wielding maniac owner flipped out like Scalabrine when his mom doesn't let him get extra Pop-Tarts.

It's all documented in this fine piece in the Hartford Courant.

"I got up and walked back there and when I walked around the corner he was
standing there waiting for me with this look of disgust on his face like I stole
some money from him," Allen said. "I extended my hand to him to say, `How ya
doin'. I'm Ray. Nice to meet you.' And he just had his hand on his hip. He
didn't even offer to shake my hand. `Did I do something to offend you?' because
I wasn't trying to take any money from him. I didn't take any money from him. So
he goes on this rant about who gave you a pass to come in here. So I said, `One
of your employees gave me the pass. I'm a guest."He said, `Why don't you just
buy a membership like everybody else? I have a business here to run. I don't
give any free handouts. I have a business to run here.' ... He was yelling at me
like I was one of his kids or something, but once he said that he walked out the
office, just walked away from me. I said, `I'll never come in your gym again.'
He was like, `Don't come back.'"

Listen up, Lou Dog, or whatever your gym membership Gestapo call you- Jesus does whatever the hell he wants. If you can't deal with that, we're just going to have to ask Big Baby Davis to jump in his trusty pool of chocolate sauce and administer the Bronco Buster of a lifetime. Bitch!

Triple Trouble!

No, I'm not trying to find a hip nickname for the Truth-Jesus-Skeletor team, I'm just stoked about three great pieces of news for I*Heart*Celtics.

ITEM #1: Tim Donaghy's guilty plea was released by Smoking Gun. Smoking Gun has to be one of the greatest inventions in the history of the world. Here it is. Apparantly, it all boils down to that knuckledragger providing "picks" to bookies, then manipulating the games in order to get paid. From what I can tell, it was only for $30,000, which is pretty weak cashola to risk your whole career over... but maybe I'm wrong about that. Don't worry, the news gets better.

ITEM #2: OJ Mayo and Baron Davis got into a shouting match at a pickup game. If there's anything close to NBA crime in terms of hilarity, it's NBA trash talk. Apparantly, Baron made a call against OJ and OJ disrespected it. Baron responded by saying that he had never heard of OJ, which is a laaaame move. Clearly, he had. Then again, this is the same trashtalking brain and horse teeth that brought the "I'LL STRIP YOU" repeated 1000x while playing defense in a Summer showcase attended by Nic and myself back in the day.

And, not basketball-related, but great nonetheless...

ITEM #3: Gold medalist in the douchebag Olympics, and "Lifetime Achievement Award" honoree from Dickhead Illustrated Michael Vick, has been hit with a $63 BILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT from a prisoner in South Carolina, according to the pillar of journalistic integrity, Fox News. The lawsuit alleges that Vick used stolen pit bulls sold on EBAY to buy MISSLES FROM AL-QAIDA. This lunatic also says that Michael Vick subjectd him to MICROWAVE TESTING, did drugs in school zones, and "is in the business of illegal steroids." He also says that "Michael Vick has to physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes." Bonus- the lawsuit is handwritten, but it is still well organized and unlike this blog contains no spelling or grammatical problems. The odds of this story being topped in terms of pure insanity are very small, but maybe we should ask Tim Donaghy for the line.

Celticsblog Sucks, the Aftermath

While my homie Nic did an outstanding job of coming out of nowhere to randomly smash Celticsblog the other day, I feel I need to respond to some of the negative feedback we have been receiving as a fallout. These are some fake responses.

"Did you need to use the word 'suck'? It hurt my feelings."
-KGforPresident

This was, by far, the most popular message we got. We had several hundred variations on this theme. Celticsbloggers are a thoughtful, sensitive crowd. Quit whining! Boston is supposed to be a tough town. I know you Celticsbloggers are from Delaware... but come on. Plus, this is the internet, where 12-year-olds are encouraged to call high level executives cock gobblers, or worse, and vice versa. Jeff Clark and his minions run their messageboard as if they are everyone's overprotective fundamentalist father that doesn't believe in dancing, women showing their ankles in public, or dinosaurs. Power to them. However, it doesn't mean they can impose their Victorian moral code on I*Heart*Celtics, or the rest of the internet, for that matter. Nut up, dorks.

"Why didn't you mention me by name? I keep Celticsblog alive! Has all my hard work gone in vain!?"
-FLCeltsFan

No way girlfriend!! We all definitely appreciate the hundreds upon hundreds of Celtics links every day. Sure, many of them are just quoting each other. Sure, most people don't need to look in 75 different newspapers to verify that the Celtics had, indeed, traded for Kevin Garnett. However, when I am reading the Celtics coverage in the Globe in the morning, I often find myself wondering, "What does the Saipan Tribune or the Seacoast Online have to say about Eddie House's experience at point guard?" That's what you're there for, FLCelticsFan- drudging up random and uninformed opinions from people we have never heard of.

"I don't think you guys are being fair. We have written recently about how the Celtics need to work together, how the Celtics need to shoot well and rebound, and how it's important to have a strong bench. That's the kind of hard-hitting analysis you'll never find in the Globe, Herald, or in Mr. McGarty's high school journalism class."
-Bob Day

True. Whenever I am wondering whether the Celtics will need to play well as a team in order to win, I get my answers at Celticsblog. Additionally, I never gave Celticsblog credit that time last year when I was wondering, "Will the Celtics need strong point guard play to contend for a championship?" The answer, thanks to Celticsblog, was yes.

"You guys are immature! I am going to drop a Charlie Chaplin reference on you that will make your head spin!"
-JB

Fair enough! I*Heart*Celtics is to immaturity what Celticsblog is to taking themselves too seriously.

"MOVED: 'Celticsblog sucks'. This conversation has been moved to Off Topic."
-Celticsblog Admisitrator

Dammit! I should have seen that coming!

"You guys are just jealous of Celticsblog."
-Anonymous

Now, this one I saw coming a mile away. It was as predictable as the forthcoming, "Is Rondo A Good Enough Shooter for the Celtics to Be a Contender?" article on Celticsblog. (He is, BTW) For one, there's no way that we can prove that we AREN'T jealous of Celticsblog because you can't prove a negative. I can tell you that I spent all day yesterday not being jealous of Celticsblog, but it wouldn't mean much. Even though it's totally true. However, we can prove that Celticsblog blows as regularly as Vin Baker at traffic stops. The "you're jealous" response is easy because then you don't have to defend Celticsblog's atrocious writing... which no one in their right mind would ever do.

Come on, dropping Bing Crosby references while using Scott Pollard as a source for how the Celtics' offense is going to look?!? Scott "I Play 30 Games a Season for the Whichever Team is the Most Mediocre That Year" Pollard!? Even worse, one of those jackasses seriously considers signing John Stockton as a backup point guard! The only supporting evidence JB has is that John Stockton is still wears nut-hugging basketball shorts instead of underpants. Flimsy. At best. I guess those articles should be lauded because they actually have a point of view... but still...
The truth of the matter is that Celticsblog has been annoying for quite some time, for a variety of reasons. Clearly, we're not the only people that think so. It's not their wild success that's irritating. Our quarrels are these:

1) Their writing is boring, boring, boring.
2) We're pretty sure that their messageboard moderators are ex-Taliban. If not, the Taliban is definitely taking notes.
3) They take themselves waa-a-ay too seriously.
4) They are based in Delaware, the lamest state in the Union, bar none.
5) They have no sense of humor.

Should all Celtics fans get along? Should we refrain from making fun of fellow fans, or fellow blogs? Of course not! I watch the Patriots every Sunday, but I don't have anything in common with this troglodyte. Nor do I have anything in common with those horrendous Yankee-hating Red Sox fans that have been watching the Sox for three years and are less articulate than drunk, brain damaged dock workers. Or these dudes. Or crusty old Bob Ryan. Or Dan Shaughnessy. It would be a disservice to all of our readers- meaning our mothers, Nic and Chap's brother, Emster, and the dude that religiously posts about pooping on Jeff Clark in our comments section- if we didn't tell it as we see it. So, as long as Celticsblog is a humorless, sexless, Taliban-run borefest, we will continue to insist that it sucks. Which it does, and will continue to do. So there.

Adonal Foyle to be signed by the Magic: He responds in poetry

It is being widely reported that the Orlando Magic are agressively suiting Adonal "Adonaluminum" Foyle. Foyle will earn about $30 Million over the next three seasons (a McIlvanian mistake if you ask me) for impressive statistical numbers of 2.2 points and 1.3 fouls in 9 minutes per game last season.

But the real story, reported here only at I*Heart*Celtics, is that Adonaluminum Foyle is also a bard of such sensitive syntax and delicate diction that he makes Billy Shakespeare look like Chingy (sample lyric: "Ya that's me, Ching-a-ling equipped wit much ding-a-ling / Knock on the door I'm on the scene of things / Busted in, Henny bottle to the face! / F**k it then, feel like my head a toxic waste"). Let's just take a moment to refrain that last line: "My head a toxic waste".

Anyway, it all happened when I was hanging out at the poetry corner on AdonalFoyle.com. I was just minding my own when all of a sudden the Iambic Tetrameter of Foyle's poem "Ambivalance" just up and slapped me right across the face:

I miss the cocks that shout out loud
Arise, arise you wretched sloth.

Jesus. This is intense. Since a Freudian explication of the first line may be inapropriate for this family-friendly blog, I ask Adonal: why the self-deprication? Besides your 44% free throw shooting you are not all that wretched.

But your Biblical tone, I admit, is a bit over the top. Sloth? I don't think I've ever heard anyone use that word except in the Good Book and in the movie "Seven". Unless this poem is about one of those sloth animal things from the rain forest, which makes me totally confused because why would a cock be in the rainforest? Don't answer that question. You continue:

I miss the pain I ever hate
Whips and ropes, my haunting fate.

Sounds like we've got a sado-masochist on our hands. I mean, I could understand the darkness of this poem if maybe you were living underground in Leningrad circa 1939, but I mean, you are an NBA player making $10 million a year (more than Shakespeare and Chingy make per year mind you). I know money can't buy happiness, but hey man, what is this fate that haunts you so much? Moving to Orlando? I know, that place sucks. I'd be willing to say its the worst City in America even. But hey, you'll be near the beach, right? Wrong. Adonal rejects my optimism harder than a weakside layup:

Damn you beautiful beaches,
I curse the day you were born.

Gulp. Sorry, I was just trying to brighten things up here Adonal. Then again, the previous passage was from the agressiveltstraight-from-a-postmodern-poetry-class titled "We Too Can Build Computer Chips", a very serious reverie on post-colonialism, racism, and tourism. So you don't like the beach. To each his own. But what is it that is haunting you so much, my man? And please, don't answer that with a vague, basketball-related rhetorical question...

How many went to that raw place?
Where airballs and injuries roam.

OK, this last part lost me. Whatever happened to good old deer and antelope playing? Can airballs really roam? Too many questions, too few answers Adonal. I feel like my head a toxic waste.

* Despite my slight sarcasm regarding his poetry, I must say I respect Foyle a lot more than I did before I went to his poetry corner. It's actually fairly articulate for a professional athlete, and as he says "Writing poetry is a very important part of my life. I use poetry to capture my emotions and chronicle my life." You can't disrespect that really.

Team USA Report: Oden, Heinrich, Battier out, Collison in?

* It has been reported that, in the wake of Greg Oden, Kirk Heinrich, and Shane Battier withdrawing from the US Basketball Team, the team's "executive management" has replaced them with one Nick Collison. In a related story, Nick Collison's mother was named executive management of Team USA yesterday. I read the headline on this story and thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but apparently its true. Nick Collison, pictured above from the time he got arrested while wearing his own basketball jersey, was added to the team after Greg Ostertag, Luke Walton, World B. Free, Moses Malone, Jim MacIlvane, Benoit Benjamin, Greg Kite, Brad Dougherty, Larry Nance, Pervis Ellison, John Koncack, Cadillac Williams, Jayson Williams, Chris Gatling, John Salley, Kurt Rambis, Otis Thorpe, AC Green, Bo Kimble, LaPhonso Ellis, and Karl Malone's cabana boy all declined.

(Actually, as rediculous as it sounds, putting Collison on this team may be a good idea in terms of chemistry. For the last 15 years the US selection committee has figured that if they load up the roster with as many 27-point scorers then they will win. Not so. Collison is more of the role playing, boxing-out, non-limelight guy that the US actually needs to have a competant team. For this reason its very sad they lost Battier and Oden, becasue I think they are have similar qualities. Heinrich too.)

Celticsblog Sucks

It might be a coincidence, but every time I read Celticsblog, I find traces of vomit in my mouth. Yes they do provide comprehensive coverage of all Celtics news, but their articles and opinions are staler than one of BP's farts. Sure, their links to Celtics-related stories are great and they’re always on top of breaking news. The problem starts when one of their boring-ass writers gets cocky and decides he's got something to say. That’s where the wheels come off the bus. With humor dryer than a Triscuit cracker and with creativity that could rival only a box turtle, their articles are nothing but bland vesicles of somewhat informative Celtics-related words. A good Celticsblog article is like eating a ricecake. Its not particularly exciting or tasteful, but it does provide you with the essential information or nutritional sustenance. A bad Celticsblog article however is like eating a moldy peach. You feel sick just looking at the title, who knows what will happen if you read it.
(note to Celticblog: If your going to make a pun for your article titles, make sure it contains at least one phallic-joke, fart-joke, or Scalbrine-fat joke. All 3 are also acceptable)

One Celticsblog writer who likes to write moldy peaches is this really annoying guy named JB (he also does Celticsstuff live). In the span of a week he wrote two articles lame enough to make Jesse Nunes blush. What makes JB so obnoxious is that he likes to take song lyrics and use them as a metaphor for the theme of his article. A clever gag if your using Walta McCarty lyrics, but JB takes himself way too seriously for that.
The first article I read was titled "Will You Still Need Me, Will You Still Feed Me.." He uses lyrics from the Beatles song 'When Im 64' to make the point that the "big 3" the Celtics brought in are too old. He tries to compare the breakdown of Bird, McKale, and Parish in their 30's to show that Garnett, P2, and Ray Ray could be on a simular slide. He ignores the fact that the late 80's are not the late 2000's, Parish played effectively till he was 52, and Garnett and Pierce are not two white guys with ankle and back problems. His point is petty and his evidence weak, but that’s all besides the point. The point is JB is a pessimistic loser who constantly quotes song lyrics to make his lame points. This would be fine if my mother was a Celtics fan or maybe even the 11 year old girl next door, but the last time I went to a Celtics game I noticed a lot of males ages 15-40. Bill Simmons is popular because he writes about video games, Doc Rivers' stupidity, and how Tommy is senile; not poetically inspired, doily laced, pieces of crap.

After I calmed down I was ready to give JB a mulligan, as I myself have written my fair share of lame blogs. Then I logged in the other day and found this! "Three little words..." More song lyrics? You got it dude. These lyrics were from a song 'Three little words,' sung by Bing Crosby in 1930 ( My grandmother is def not a Celtics fan). The reason he choose these song lyrics is because JB was excited that Scott Pollard described the Celtics offense this season as a "free-flowing offense," three words JB has always wished the Celtics would adhere to. The metaphor seems like kind of stretch considering its obscurity, and the amount of emphasis he puts on it for such a small point (he gives us background information on the song and gives us a whole refrain of lyrics). The Beatles metaphor was so cliché and obvious that it was stupid. This one is so random and unnecessary, its just weird. I had pictured JB as a 41 year old game-lar who lived in his mothers basement. Now it appears he's an 81 year game-lar who lives in his dead mother's basement.

If your still not convinced that JB is senile and Celticsblog sucks, listen to this episode of Celticsstufflive where JB falls asleep for half of the show, wakes up thinking its 1995, and tells us that instead of signing Dikembe Mutumbo or PJ Brown, the Celtics should bring back the Kandi man and instead of signing Gary Payton or Charlie Bell the Celtics should sign John Stockton (im not joking and neither is he).

Report: Cheryl Miller's Brother May Join Celtics

Cheryl Miller's indentical but not twin brother, Reggie, is apparently considering a return to the NBA...with the Celtics.

Reggie Miller says he is contemplating a return to the NBA, this time with the Boston Celtics.

Miller, who turns 42 on Aug. 24, played his entire 18-year career with the Indiana Pacers before retiring in 2005. Since his playing days ended he has worked as a television analyst for TNT.

Miller was all set to continue that job when Celtics general manager Danny Ainge and coach Doc Rivers asked him to think about joining their revamped team in a reserve role, playing about 15 minutes per game.

This is crazy, but I like it for a number of reasons:

1. Reggie is a rediculous 3-point shooter

2. Scott Pollard would feel even more foolish for his Reggie Miller farewell video

3. He would be pulling a reverse Larry Bird

4. We would have four NBA Hall of Famers on the Celts all at once

5. And most importantly, more Reggie means more Cheryl.

*Bonus* Which Miller sibling is pictured above, Reggie or Cheryl?

The Blunder Years: In Memorium

a BP/Sullivan Joint Effort


They were years and years of futility and embarassment, and they officially died after Kevin Garnett entered Boston with a five-year deal and a #5 jersey. It was time for them to go... but our memories of those years live on forever. Here are some things we'll remember them by, in no particular order.

1) Vin Baker - the Celtics traded for him when he was old, fat, disinterested, bitter, resentful, drunk and on the brink of rehab. Then they signed him to a max deal. He lived up to expecations.

2) Marcus Banks - this impossibly handsome point guard had an incredible amount of promise and was never given much of an opportunity to shine. The ladies swooned, but the coaches and front office beat him like a rented mule. He was a divisive figure for Celtics fans, but ultimately the "Marcus Banks Sucks" crowd was right- he now rides the pine for the Phoenix Suns while Steve Nash has to play 47.5 minutes a night to keep him off the floor.

3) Delonte West - throughout these horrible years we could always count on Delonte to give 100% effort both on the court and macking it with the ladies. Every game brought a new tattoo, and we never really figured out what the hell that discoloration was on his face, but he always gave his best effort for teams that were defined by both laziness and incompetence.

4) Mark Blount - he broke the retarded giraffe barrier that was a black eye for the NBA since its inception and then promptly took a nap. He had one great half-season and used that to fleece the Celtics for all they're worth. His approval rating in Boston went from Ted Kennedy levels to Hitler levels in less than a year. The only redeeming feature from his flameout with the C's was this breathtaking photograph of him in the wild- arms crossed, eyes half closed, scowling next to a gigantic dummy apparantly preparing to be pounded from behind for some reason. Recently, Blount was quoted as saying, "I’m loose and feeling good. I mean, what do I have to worry about? When’s the last time I had to work. I’ve never worked a day in my life.” Charming. Blount was also known to wear the shiniest black plastic shoes ever made. They looked like they were made out of wet trash bags, and probably were.

5) Rick Pitino - Looked like a used car salesman. Coached like a used car salesman. Traded Chauncey Billups for Kenny Anderson and traded Andrew Declerq and a #1 draft pick for Vitaly Potapenko (more on him later). He led the Celtics to a 102-146 record from 1997 to 2001.

6) Eric Williams - A great Celtic. Always hustled, an old reliable type whose career highlight was appearing not once but twice in the old Pink "I'm Comin' Out (So You Better Get the Party Started)" Celtics promo bits.

7) Cooz's Bitching - the worst years for the Celtics were the best years for the Cooz's bitching. He would complain every time a player threw a chest pass. He would complain whenever a Celtic dribbled the basketball. He would moan whenever a Celtic took a shot outside of three feet from the basket. Of course, his trademark- he would complain ad nauseum about players that he thought were playing for the Celtics but existed only in his imagination. In years and years of shifting coaches and rosters, Cooz's complaining was constant, and constantly irritating. He also had a penchant for referring to any Celtic player who was black and over 6'4" as "Big Al". I'm not joking. I was watching a game once and Al efferson put up a shot and missed, Mark Blount got the rebound and kicked it out to Justin Reed on teh perimeter. The play by play went like this "Big Al too hard on the shot, Big Al gets his own rebound, and wisely kicks it out with a fresh clock. Now Big Al has it on the perimeter..." Irreverent, senile, genius.

8) Sherman Douglas - they say that if you can do one thing well, you have a spot on an NBA team. Well, Sherman Douglas did one thing well- driving the lane to throw rafter-scraping floaters at the backboard. They hit the backboard harder than Vin Baker hit the sauce, but somehow, defying physics, they would always softly bouce through the net. How he did it, even MIT physicists don't know, but we hope that he'll teach Rajon Rondo.

9) Vitaly "The Ukraine Train" Potapenko - My best memory of him, like Eric Williams, were his Celtics promo commercials. There was one where and interviewer asks Vitaly how much he could bench press. Vitaly responded with the following (spelled phonetically): "ARghhhhhhh hooosh reeegit browwwwers!"

10) Milt Palacio - Affectionately known to I Heart Celtics staffers as "Milk Potassio", Palacio once threw a full court bounce-pass to a streaking Erik Strickland that landed about 35-feet out of bounds.

Stay tuned folks, the blunders don't stop here. More blunders to come later including: Joe Forte's Scooby-Doo Shirt, Walter McCarty's pipes, and Chris Herron's Dunkin' Donuts parking spot!

Scott Pollard = Tool.

Not only is Scott Pollard bad at playing basketball, but it seems he's also really lame. The only upside to his aquisition is that the first time KG feels slighted and flips his sh*t , we know he's going straight for Pollards mutten chops.

Great

As if our bench needed to become any more of a joke, it will now have the above pictured hair on it.

Although I must say Scott Pollard was always nice and would talk to us when we yelled his name on the sidelines at Celtics games, still...that hair. I don't even think he's played a minute in about 5 years. Sheesh, my hopes for Matt Barnes, Navarro, Dikembe, or Charlie Bell were squashed with the reality of Eddie House, a boy named Jackie, and now Scott Pollard.

Rafer Alston skips to his lou...in the can!

Rafer Alston pulled a "Ron Mercer" Sunday morning, allegedly getting hella drunk and assaulting an unidentified human. Unidentified, maybe, but word on the street is that the victim is one of the mothers of Gary Payton's sons Gary (there is no typo in this sentence, see the I Heart Celtics poll), after she got in a fight with Alston for kissing the Glove in a game last season (pictured above). And 1!

Bob Ryan Speaks

Last week Bob "oops i crapped my pants" Ryan wrote a pessimistic rant in the Globe venting his disatisfaction with the current Celtics 2007-08 roster. Apparently, 3 potential hall of famers in their prime is not good enough for Bob. His biggest gripe was that despite "the big 3" the Celtics have little talent left on team. He talked about how the old Celtics teams were loaded with Hall of Famers and condemed the remainder of the Celtics roster. Im sorry Bob, Did I miss the memo that it was 1986? Cause last time I checked it was 2000 and frickin' 7, the year when LeBron James and his merry band of retards made the NBA finals. This was a year when 3 teams in the East made the playoffs without winning records. Yes, in the 60's the Celtics needed a roster of Hall of Famers to defeat the Philadelphia Warriors. In the 80's they needed simular fire power to get by some pretty good 76er, Pistons, Bulls, and Hawks teams. Surprise, in todays watered down NBA you dont exactly need Kevin McKale coming off the bench to make a splash in the playoffs. The Cavs had 1 good player who chews pink lemonade bubblegum and made it to the finals. I'll tell you right now that Big Baby is alot closer to Kevin McKale than Varejeo. Cry all you want about Boston's 4-12 guys, but the fact is when you have a team as top heavy as the Celtics all you need is good roll players. Look at the Jordan Bulls or the Shaq/Kobe Lakers. Bob claims that no team would trade their 4-12 best players for the Celtics 4-12 best players (I think Clevland, 76ers, and Washington...might...) My question is who cares?. How many teams would trade their 1-12 best players for the Celtics 1-12? Most of them and thats all that matters. Rhondo, Perk, and Big Baby have the potential to break out this year. Scal, House, and Powe could be solid roll-players on a vetran team. If Danny can wiggle a vetran point guard, than this team looks great on paper.

No ones saying that the Celtics are perfect. No ones saying they will win the title (except my boy Donny Walburgh). The current roster gives the Celtics a legitamate shot at winning the finals and getting to the finals, and thats the only thing people are getting excited. That might be hard for Bob to understand cause the only thing he gets excited about is the thought of Jackie McMullan in a thong.

Please Bob Ryan. We know your old and cranky, we know you hate the NBA (and probably african-americans), but there is finally some enthusiasm about the Celtics, so unlike the time Scalbrine farted on prom night, try not to kill the mood.

Rondo is getting a lot of love...

...And we couldn't be happier.

This is going to be a big year for Rondo, just ask this guy.


PS I couldn't contain my love and posted about the man at the end of the article.

Remember When the Celtics Used to Be Nationally Televised?!?

They're back!

The schedule has been released for the 2007-2008 season. In a stark departure from last year, the Celtics have an opening night game on ESPN. In fact, they have 10 games on ESPN or TNT as of today. That's a huge improvement over, um, zero. It was nearly impossible to watch the C's if you were living outside of New England last year. Nobody wanted to watch them. I heard rumors that even FSNE was on the brink of showing "Rick Pitino Show" reruns during live games last year, but with Jesus, Skeletor, RAGIN' Rondo, Big Baby, Papa Veal, and the TRUTH together... the Celtics are back in the national consciousness!

Here's the rest of the schedule.

Herald: Kevin Garnetts is Cuckoo for CoCo Puffs

So, we're all excited to have KG in town (unless you're Bob Ryan, in which case, you'll only be happy if you wake up, it's 1986, it's raining Boston Cremes and jowls are in style). However, after reading this Herald article, I am a little nervous because Skeletor appears to be a crazy person.

“He’s an incredibly loyal person, and he takes that very seriously,” said one Minnesota source. “If he believes you’re with him, he opens up and gives you everything. The only problem with that is that Kevin can get upset when he perceives a slight, even if it’s not a real one.”

Garnett was said to be very angry himself at the time of the draft. According to one involved party, he vented on Taylor, saying his distaste at the time for the Celts was in part because Kevin McHale once played for them.

WTF?

Garnett actually takes a lot of things seriously. This is the same guy who was distraught when Dean Garrett was traded from the Wolves, looking toward Garrett’s empty locker well after he’d left town.

This behavior is similar to Big Baby, who stares at his pudding cups when they're empty.

“I don’t think Kevin likes change too much,” said a source. “He grows attached to the people and things around him. He’s just very intense in a lot of ways, even at practice (there are published reports he’s gotten into scrapes with teammates). There were times when you could see him holding two cups of water in the huddle because he was so into it I think his hands were shaking.

The real question is this- how did Mark Blount survive a year with this guy!? Mark "I've never worked a day in my life" Blount!? Garnett and Blount are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum. Throw Mad Dog Madsen in there and disaster was almost guaranteed. That must have been an uncomfortable period for everyone involved. (However, we do know that Garnett fights like a sissy. Even when the opponent is Matt Bonner.) Garnett is probably the only player in the league who takes practices seriously. He's also probably the only player who gets in fights with his teammates because he's too intense in practice. I mean, Brendon Haywood and Etan Thomas get in fights all the time, but that's over petty sh*t we expect of NBA players. Meanwhile, Garnett's hands are shaking with intensity!?

“He brings that intensity every day - practices, games, everything. The Celtics are going to love how seriously he takes defense. He’s really a driven guy.”

We're all going to love him. He might love us and even slap people while running backwards for us... as long as we don't hurt his feelings somehow.

Celtics Get Antsy, Start Signing People at Random

There are two new faces on the roster as of today, Eddie House and Jackie Manuel. Don't know who those guys are? You're not alone. I'll bring you up to speed.

Eddie House- all-time scoring leader at Arizona State, which is akin to being the best bullfighter in Alaska. He was a second-round pick by the Heat, then bounced around the league to the Clippers, Bucks, Bobcats, and Kings before gaining fame (or infamy) with the Phoenix Suns. Last year he rode the bench for the New Jersey Nets. His shot selection is one of the worst in the league. He has averaged 7 points on 40% shooting for his career. Also, that NBA.com picture is the worst I have ever seen.




Jackie Manuel- apparantly, getting rid of the entire young lineup of unproven players hasn't changed Danny's mind too much, because Jackie Manuel played in the NBDL last year. Here's his basketball-reference page. Inspiring! He's going to be our "defensive stopper", supposedly, because his offensive game is completely nonexistant. Sure, he didn't get a lot of touches at Carolina because he was on a loaded team, but when he DID score, everyone went crazy as if Manuel was that autistic high schooler that won the ESPY. This is not a move to inspire confidence.


Here is what Danny is doing- he's pairing "defensive stoppers" with "explosive scorers," so the Celtics will have two lineups- one that can't guard anybody and one that can't score at all. Why the Celtics didn't go after someone that can do BOTH, like Charlie Bell, nobody knows. At least these are only one-year contracts (which House will be accustomed to)... but even still... I might be heading into Bob Ryan territory at this point.