FOLLOW-UP: TRACTOR TRAYLOR GETS THREE YEARS PROBATION

Robert Traylor is back in the news, and for all the wrong reasons. I*Heart*Celtics super sleuth Sullivan was all over the case a couple months ago. Remember... Cousin Q? The fake dead body? The biggest dope dealer in Michigan history? The millions of dollars in laundered money? Remember probably the best quote of the year, by Traylor's own lawyer, "For those who think that all NBA players are wealthy, Robert Traylor is an example of one who is not." It was a great story. In fact, if it weren't for the late Eddie Griffin drunkenly diddling himself while smashing into a parked car, it would have been the #1 NBA crime of the year!

Well, anyway, Traylor's been sentenced after being found guilty for tax fraud. I don't know what's more disappointing- the fact that he only got three years' probation or the fact that the sentence is being held off because he's currently playing pro basketball in Puerto Rico. How quickly the fat, stupid, lazy assholes with a cadre of criminal friends fall! He'll apparently serve three months in a halfway house, three months in house arrest, and then he'll be electronically monitored for the rest of the time. He reportedly wanted to serve the house arrest not in his home, but in his local Chuck E Cheese, but the prosecution deftly argued that the dead-broke Traylor had been banned from the franchise after he allegedly tried to pitch a tent and live in the ball pit.

Celtics sign Uruguayo, another Dahntay Jones

Saddle up your stallion and get out your gaucho gear, the Celtics have signed a 10-foot Uruguayan.

Esteban Batista, according to some, is pretty good, and played his corazon out in the FIBA championships. Apparently he put up stat lines such as 26 and 19, 34 and 15, 21 and 20, and 20 and 5 in the tourney. Not bad, although I suspect that he was getting the ball every time down the court...

The Celtics also signed their second Dahntay Jones in ten years (they had Dontae' Jones in 1997), a swing man who they actually drafted back in 2003 but sent to the Grizz for former Celtics hotty Marcus Banks.

Jason Caffey Arrested for Not Paying Child Support

"I DON'T MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS I USED TO" HE CLAIMS;
"YOU'RE DRIVING A $350,000 CAR, @$$HOLE" THEY REBUT

In news that might make Jason Caffey very sad, he was arrested yesterday for failing to pay roughly $100,000 in child support. He "isn't supporting multiple children in several states." Never a good move.

Of course, Caffey used the same excuse as so many of his deadbeat child-support dodging NBA forebearers have used- "I don't make as much money as I used to." I guarantee that's true! After all, Caffey did have a rather sudden end to his freeloading career. After bleeding every team he was on for far more money than he was worth, Caffey joined the Bucks. He immediately had an anxiety attack and skipped a game. Apparently, it's very stressful to be paid millions of dollars to contribute Scott Pollard-esque numbers. Then, after going public with this "condition", Caffey pledged to be more reliable and seek treatment. The treatment he sought was at a Toronto strip club, where along with Gary Payton and Sam Cassell, he allegedly assaulted a male stripper. His contract was quickly bought out, and he hasn't been back in the league since. The last you heard of him, he was getting cleared for those assault charges on the male stripper, and, you guessed it, getting arrested for not paying child support, back in February. If you were wondering what he has been up to, apparently he's been splitting time between driving his six cars around, ignoring his children, getting fatter, and getting arrested!

Stay classy, Jason Caffey!

THIS EXPLAINS A LOT

JJ REDICK'S HALFWIT BROTHER ACCUSED OF THREATENING FORMER GIRLFRIENDS; WE THOUGHT ALL THOSE INSANE TEXT MESSAGES WE WERE GETTING WERE FROM JEFF CLARK AND HIS CELTICSBLOG GOON SQUAD!!!

A million thank-you's to Deadspin for breaking this story to us. All this time, we had no idea who this maniac was that kept sending these "threatening" messages. Turns out, it's just the psychotic brother of the sixth-grade-poetry-spewing, collar-popping, made-up-gang-sign-flashing, Bible-bashing, Coach-K-rimjobbing, professionally underachieving drunk-driving honkey pissant we hate.

Now, brothers of famous athletes are almost always a little "off". For example, there was Stephon Marbury's crooked-shooting brother that led the potent attack of the Rhode Island Rams for a couple years. Then, there was the slightly more pear-shaped Collins twin with the slightly more pronounced horse face and overbite. Then, there's my personal favorite- the fatter, funnier, more lovable, less disciplined, more articulate yet amazingly less self-aware Artest brother. However, none of those brothers of famous players came so completely out of nowhere to commit something so clearly insane. I mean, this jerkoff was threatening JJ's ex-girlfriend, she took it to the cops, and he CALLED AND THREATENED HER WHILE SHE WAS WITH THE POLICE! I, for one, never knew JJ had a brother. Now, we'll all know him not as JJ Redick's less talented brother, but as JJ Redick's incompetent little cell phone hitman that blew the lid off of some previously unknown legal trouble for his big-shot brother. Reach for the stars, bro!

Isiah Speaks Out

Interesting development in the Isiah Thomas hearings. Thomas haters were moved yesterday as the defense painted a vivid picture of Isiah's childhood for the court, stressing the wholesome values he learned as a child. His "strict and disciplinarian" mother taught respect and family values to him at an early age. Thomas' testimony was rock solid. His mother taught him never to use curse words like "bitch," "ho," and "mother f*cker," So how could have Thomas cornered Anucha Browne Sanders and said such things? In his testimony he established that his mother had even given him his first sexual-harassment awareness seminar when he was 10. She told him "This is how you treat women, and this is how you don't." Clearly the prosecution has their work cut out for them if they think that a man who was given a sexual-harassment awareness lesson when he was 10 is capable of actually sexually harassing someone. Guess what Isiah, I'm sure Sebastian Telfair's mom told him not to shoot people. Scal's mom probably told him not to eat candy he finds on the ground.

That was not the only interesting revelation in the Thomas case. MSG President James Dolan also took the stand in an attempt to take the heat off the Knicks. He tried to portray Brown Saunders as manipulative and power-hungry. He even accused her of rigging the investigation. However, in light of Stephon Marbury's own manipulation of the Knicks to giving the intern he banged in the back of his SUV across from a strip club a promotion, Dolan's petty attempt to paint the management as the victims looked quite foolish.
The New York Knicks front office makes the Celtics look like the frickin' Spurs. While it sounds ridiculous, it appears that Isiah isn't even the most incompetent person in that organization. Only a wholesome dose of Zach Randolph can save them now...

ERIC WILLIAMS?!? BACK?!?

That shriek of joy you just heard was our main man Nic reacting to the news that Eric Williams is going to work out for the Celtics. Sure, it doesn't guarantee that Williams will have a spot on the roster, no matter how much we want him. However, it is exciting.

Williams is, as far as I am concerned, a Celtics legend. Don't agree with me?

He was blind in one eye. He led a life of unspeakable crime before finding basketball fame. He was a classic "tweener" that actually worked out- he played defense and rebounded like a bloodthirsty maniac. He launched a clothing like honoring the Negro Basketball League, which never existed. The best part of Eric Williams, however, was that every three pointer he made seemed completely improbable, yet he drained about a million of them during the Celtics' amazing playoff run in 2002.

We love Eric Williams, and let's hope that he either makes the team or the franchise lets him retire as a Celtic. Then, he joins the coaching staff, and when the team is ravaged by injuries in the Eastern Conference Finals, he rips off his suit and starts boxing people out and launching set shots like it's 1958.

Leaving his (major) mark: Rodman's hand + woman's behind = lawsuit

Well it looks like Dennis Rodman's been taking Jimmy Bo Horn's timeless words of advice a bit too seriously (Click here if you would like to book Jimmy Bo Horn for your next after party).

Trying to paraphrase the following NY Daily News article is pointless. In the ongoing misadventures of Dennis Rodman, the comedy writes itself a lot better than I ever could:

Basketball bad boy Dennis Rodman could be in trouble yet again - this time for allegedly slapping a woman's behind.

The retired hoops star is under investigation after the woman accused him of whacking her behind in a bar near his home in Newport Beach, Calif., gossip Web site TMZ.com reported yesterday.

The Orange County sheriff's office is probing the incident, in which one source told the Web site that Rodman hit the woman so hard, he left a "major mark."

"A police report was taken and is currently with the sex crime unit," Jim Amormino, a spokesman for the Orange County sheriff, told TMZ.

Rodman, 46, who famously split up with pinup girl Carmen Electra after just nine days of marriage, has been involved in a series of disputes involving women in nightclubs over the years.

A jury cleared the mercurial hoopster, who retired from the NBA in 2000, of civil claims stemming from an incident in which a woman claimed he drugged and raped her.

KEON GOES TO PRISON

My boy Sullivan contributed one of his best pieces a couple months ago on the topic of Keon Clark's legal woes. Well... he just got sentenced, and he's going to prison.

URBANA – Former NBA player Keon Clark was sentenced to prison today on a felony charge of driving on a suspended license.

Clark did not show up for the sentencing hearing. Champaign County Judge Richard Klaus sentenced him in absentia to 30 months in prison and issued a warrant for his arrest.

"Putting Mr. Clark on probation would be a complete and utter waste of resources," Klaus said. "Mr. Clark is a danger to the community, especially if he continues to drive."

That's right, Keon Clark didn't show up to his own sentencing. His lawyer covered him, though....

Urbana attorney James Dedman, who represents Keon Clark, did not present any evidence, but asked the judge to defer his decision on a sentence until Clark could be evaluated by a psychiatrist.

"His record and his behavior suggests he has a serious mental problem," Dedman said. "It's possible he's unfit to stand trial or be sentenced, or that he's insane."

Klaus declined to order a psychiatric evaluation or defer sentencing, saying it was the first time the issue of Clark's mental state had been raised and telling Dedman he could file a motion later on the matter.

Well, if firing your agents and hiring some random friend right before you hit the free agent market, behaving erratically, habitually breaking the law, and riding a scooter when you're a 6'10" multimillionaire isn't enough to qualify you as "insane" in this country, I don't know what will. The scooter alone is enough proof for me.

However, if you think serving three years in prison will be the end of it, you obviously haven't read the whole article.

Clark is scheduled to be in court again next week for a pretrial hearing on a misdemeanor criminal trespass charge and a felony driving under the influence of alcohol charge. He is scheduled to be sentenced in Vermilion County on Oct. 10 on a felony drug charge, a DUI, and not having a firearm owner's identification card.

He was to be tried this week in Vermilion County on charges of not having a firearm owner's identification card, making a false report, two charges of driving on a suspended license, and criminal damage to property. Those cases were continued to Oct. 10.

Clark also has a pending felony charge of driving on a suspended license in July in Vermilion County.

No wonder he's on the run! The BAD crimes he's on trial for are yet to be sentenced! He'd better soup up his scooter so it will travel 100mph and hope they don't recognize him at the border!

Celtics to Sign Uraguayan Center Batista?

An article on Uraguayan Radio Station Espectador's website says that Esteban Batista, a Center who played unproductively for the Hawks last year, "is very close to playing another season in the NBA. His new team could be the Boston Celtics." They give no justification or reason for reporting this. No mention of an invite from Danny Ainge, no mention of an agent or any other discussions from the team. Just that he might play for them.

When Danny Ainge learned of this news, he had the same reaction as Batista did in his picture above.

Here's what Espectador is sayin':

Esteban Batista, de buena labor en el Preolímpico de Las Vegas, está muy cerca de repetir una nueva temporada en la NBA. Su nuevo equipo podría ser Boston Celtics, que hace poco fichó a uno de los mejores jugadores de la liga, Kevin Garnett.

Esteban Batista tendría grandes chances de ser nuevo jugador de Boston Celtics, equipo que en la temporada 2006-2007 tuvo una marca de 24 partidos ganados y 58 perdidos, siendo el segundo peor equipo de la NBA detrás de Mephis Grizzlies (22-60).

Uruguay is known for a bunch of different things. Gauchos, mate, winning and hosting the first world cup, and according to Wikipedia, being "the second least corrupt country in Latin America behind Chile." Not bad, although sadly I can't say basketball would be high on the list. Nevertheless, if all those Argentines are so damn good, why can't neighbors to the north Uraguayans be good too? I guess we'll see - although this scoop seems a bit suspect.

***UPDATE***

The Globe is catching on to this story, too. Granted, they are just saying that Batista's AGENT says that the Celtics are interested, and Vin Baker passes field sobriety tests about as often as agents tell the truth. Since the Celtics have been a hot name in the offseason, it's probably just a move by the agent to drum up some interest in his client. It's working- I had never heard of this dude before and now I am googling him like crazy.
-BP

Isiah Thomas: Wordsmith!

I have been late to the party lately, so my apologies, but I simply have keep tabs on this OUTSTANDING trial that turbodickhead Isiah Thomas is subjecting himself to. One has to wonder, if this bitch was such a ho, as Thomas claims, why didn't he just pay her off!? After all, as we learned today, Thomas reminded her:

"Don't forget, you f——— bitch, I'm the president of this f——— team."

Classy as always.

Marc Berman, who I have to admit I had never heard of before this article, sort of gets to the point in today's New York Post. He says:

It does not matter at this point who wins or loses the Anucha vs. Isiah/Garden sexual harassment case... the Knicks already lost. Big time. James Dolan already lost...How could Dolan - so paranoid about media coverage about his Knick franchise to the tinest detail - allow all this tawdry behind-the-scenes laundry to air on the front pages of The Post and Daily News.

Well, that's easy Marc Berman, you can answer your own question. Dolan let it happen because Isiah Thomas wanted to go to court and Dolan is scared to stand up to Isiah, and Isiah Thomas wanted to go to court because he's a moron who can barely speak in complete sentences, let alone run a multi-million dollar business. To compound Isiah's problem, he's a complete prick that can't get along with anyone, he's a sleaze, and his idiocy is matched only by his arrogance. Sexual harassment trials are ALL ABOUT CHARACTER. You need plenty of character witnesses to back you up. Everyone thinks Isiah is a douche. Isiah's biggest apologist, Stephon Marbury, used his time on the stand to brag about calling women bitches and having sex with an intern! However, the news keeps on topping itself. Listen to this:

Jurors heard the Knicks coach say he wouldn't stand for a white man calling a black woman a "bitch" - but wouldn't be as angry if the same words came from the mouth of a black man.

In a videotaped deposition played for the jury at fired Knicks exec Anucha Browne Sanders' sexual harassment trial, Thomas said he drew a distinction between whites and blacks when it came to the B-word.

Asked if he was bothered by a black man calling a black female "bitch," Thomas said: "Not as much. I'm sorry to say, I do make a distinction.

"A white male calling a black female a bitch is highly offensive," Thomas said. "That would have violated my code of conduct."

"Maybe I shouldn't go there. ... A white male calling a black female, that is wrong with me. I'm not taking that. I'm not accepting that. ... That's a problem for me."

Fair enough, we've known since the infamous Larry Bird incident that Isiah is bitter towards the honkies of the world. Bitch, Isiah Thomas has a problem with f------ white people. He's made that clear. Why he went through the trouble to draw distinctions between white people and black people when it comes to what the media now calls "the B word" (good gravy)... I don't know. I don't understand the context, granted, and it probably makes sense in Thomas' warped little pea brain. However, this is the stuff that kills me-

"Please don't mischaracterize the videotape shown in court today," he pleaded, insisting, "I don't think it's right for any man to call a woman a 'bitch.'"

None of this shit makes any sense- but the most confusing thing of all is this bizarre news that Isiah Thomas HAS a "code of conduct" that can possibly be violated! Bitch, please! We are treated to witness after witness taking the stand and methodically detailing what an insecure, unprepared, oversensitive, inarticulate, spastic asshole you have been. In response, you're trying to prove that you have a highly sophisticated code of conduct that consists of one thing- white men should call black women bitches, but black men calling black women bitches is a little murky.

Stellar defense!

I just want everyone to know that I wake up every morning and thank the basketball gods that Isiah Thomas is on trial for sexual harassment. The Celtics might not be nearly as funny now that they're actually good, but we will ALWAYS have Isiah Thomas to mock, and the fact that there is NO WAY Isiah Thomas looks good coming out of this trial makes me personally about as happy as when Rick Pitino left. It is a great time to be a Celtics fan, but it may be an even better time to be a Knick hater. Life is good, homies and homegirls!

Minnesota changes team name to "Former Celtics", then hires Ed Pickney

The Minnesota Timberwolves signed Ed Pinckney as an assistant coach today, continuing a disturbing trend of cashing in on the Celtic's sloppy seconds. Consequently, Minnesota now has way more players that have ever played game time for the Celtics than the Celtics do themselves.

Among the former green converted to carnivorous wood dwellers are the recently departed Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, Gerald Green, Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair, alondside the Retarded Giraffe Blount, and Ricky Davis. The coaching/administration features Kevin McHale, Jerry Sichting, and now Ed Pinckney. Not to mention Celtics' 2006 draft pick Randy Foye and BC grad Craig Smith hold down the Boston connection as well.

The only current Celtics who have ever suited up in a Boston uniform are Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo, Tony Allen, Kendrick Perkins, Leon Powe, and Brian Scalabrine. As for coaching staff and upper management, all we've got for former C's is Danny Ainge. The next closest thing to a former Celtic on our bench is strength trainer Bryan Doo, a member of the storied early 90s Messiah College ultimate frisbee team.

Kevin McHale, never considered a top GM, has some rediculous tunnel vision. Somehow acquiring an entire roster of the Celtics dark years teams strikes me as unimaginative and unwise, but that's just me.

Big 4?!?

TONY ALLEN LOCKED AND LOADED, READY TO FIRE ON ALL CYLINDERS

With a swagger normally reserved for when he arrives at a strip club, Tony Allen boldly proclaimed that he won't be intimidated by anyone- not the three All-Stars on the team or a random jerkoff in a Chicago nightclub.

"If you put the ball in my hands when I'm healthy, hey, it won't be The Big Three, it might be The Big Four. Right know I'm hungry. That's the mentality I got."

Good sign. After all, a "hungry" mentality allowed Brian Scalabrine to break his personal cheddarwurst eating record this summer (15 cheddarwurst in 12 seconds, BTW). It also allowed Big Baby Davis to use Eggo waffles instead of bread for his daily 10:15 steak and cheese. When Celtics have a "hungry" mentality, great things happen.

Allen averaged 18.8 points in the last 14 games (Dec. 13-Jan. 10) of the 33 he played last season. The 6-foot-4-inch, 213-pounder scored at least 20 seven times in that hot span, including a career-high 30 against Denver Dec. 15.

"I watch those tapes every day," Allen said. "I edited them myself."

Badass. Of course, then there was the injury, which, as we all know, occurred after the whistle had blown and TA was cruising in for a meaningless dunk. It was the saddest moment of the season, by far, and it quickly separated the dumbass Celtics fans from the reasonable ones. Basically, if you were angrier at Tony Allen for getting hurt on a fluke play than you were at him when he fractured some random's face in a barfight- you suck at life and I sincerely hope you intern for the Knicks and Steph has his way with you in the back of a van.

Anyway, here's the real health update with actually useful information! Yep, you guessed it, Shira didn't write this one.

Allen says his knee is "70 percent" and he couldn't play if there were a game today. He participated in five-on-five scrimmages for four straight days last week, but he hasn't regained his explosiveness, nor is he ready to catch alley-oops.

"I feel like everything is there except my explosiveness right now," said Allen. "I can jump. I can rebound. I can pass. I can cut. It's like my explosive cutting to the basket and on curls - I need to work on that."

Snooch to the nooch! Looks like the backup point guard spot is taken, and thank God it's not by the dude most famous for being married to Mike Bibby's sister.

Birdman!!!!

The Globe had a small blurb on BIRDMAN today. It's small enough for me to quote the whole thing, in fact.

Teams looking for a veteran midseason pickup at an attractive price could do a lot worse than former Nuggets/Hornets forward Chris Anderson, a.k.a. The Birdman. That's when Anderson's two-year suspension for violating the league's drug policy expires. Anderson has been working out in Las Vegas getting ready to resume his career, and it's anticipated that the Hornets, who last held his rights, will not reinstate his contract (3 1/2 years left on a four-year, $14 million deal), which will make Anderson a free agent. "He's exceeded expectations in every area," reports Anderson's agent, Steve Heumann. "We're moving forward to the first applicable moment to apply for reinstatement." Anderson turned 29 in July and has several years of NBA experience under his belt. He would be the first player to come back from a drug suspension and actually play in the NBA.

Now, you might be wondering what team looking to add veteran stability midseason would sign a 29-year-old cokehead named Birdman whose main claim to fame was botching the slam dunk contest so badly they installed a time limit. However, he's averaged 5 points and 3 rebounds for his career... which is about what Scott Pollard can give on any given night. The main difference is while Pollard simply tells the children to do drugs, Birdman listens. But who knows, the Celtics once signed a wino to a max contract and then paid for him to take three years off... so stranger things have happened...

Eddie Johnson Tells All About Trash Talkin

Eddie Johnson has a pretty funny column on hoopshype.com. He relays a few anecdotes from his trash-talking days, featuring notable Celtics Xavier McDaniel and Larry Bird (who's hotel key antics are truly badass if not crazy). Pictured above (right before he called the kid a honkey and then kicked his ass), this is what he says:

During my era everything was fair game including momma jokes. I tell you what, if players were as sensitive in my era as they are now, it would have been a fight every quarter. We had running dialogue all the time during the course of a game. I would have two or three trash talking conversations going on with different players all the time. The difference for us was that we did not take it personally and we used it as motivation to play even harder. Here is an example of players that I would have confrontations with every time I played them…

Xavier McDaniel and I hated each other on the court. I would be shooting and calling him a bald headed so and so at the same time he would come back and try and crack me with an elbow and then proceed to try and tear the rim down. It was vicious, but not one time did we have a fight and believe it or not we shared a drink and laughed about it during an NBA cruise during the offseason.

Larry Bird called me every name in the book when we played and I tried to reciprocate as much as I could and maintain some energy to guard him. The first time I guarded him in my career at Boston Garden he looked at me and said I am going to kick your @#$% and even during a game later in the season I popped him in the mouth with an elbow and laughed because they called a foul on him as well. He never lost his concentration and only waited till after the game to come in the locker room and drop his room key on my lap and said, “Let’s finish this at my hotel.” I reminded him of that years later and he laughed.

Lonnie Shelton was probably the quickest 6-8, 260 player I have ever seen and I hated him to guard me. He would throw me all around the court, but one night I got tired of it and I started talking about everyone in his generation to take his attention off the game. Nothing seemed to bother him till I came by the Cavalier bench and called him a fat @#$% in front of his teammates and they started laughing and he stared at me no matter where I was on the court till it really started to bother me. When he got in the game, he had nothing on his mind other than hurting me. I finally went up to him during a free throw and apologized and he said, “Cool, let’s play.” True story.

Tom Chambers and Frank Brickowski, I will mention them together because I use to get under their skin big time when they played for the Sonics. I would talk so much smack that both of them would take turns trying to pop me, but I was not stupid. I always took care of the wide bodies on my team and LaSalle Thompson and Mark Olberding would always be there to protect me. What’s so funny about those two is that in later years we would become teammates (Chambers-Suns and Brickowski-Hornets) and I consider both very good friends. They understood the method to my madness when we played together and they looked out for me as well.

"You look good in those pants"

"Are you getting in the truck or what?"

OFFSEASON PR NIGHTMARE CONTINUES!

ODEN OUT FOR SEASON AFTER KNEE SURGERY; STEPHON MARBURY'S TESTIMONY MOST HUMILIATING PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT SINCE SEAN MORTON PULLED MY PANTS DOWN IN KINDERGARTEN

You've all heard the news about Greg Oden missing the season because of his gimpy knee... that's a raw deal both for Oden and for the Blazers. However, on a personal level, it's amazing how little I care about Oden now that the Celtics are in a good position. Think about it- we could have had the #1 pick, taken Oden, lost him for the season, and had a repeat of last year!

The far more hilarious news of the day was Stephon Marbury taking the stand for his boy, Isiah Thomas. Why Isiah didn't just pay this woman off, nobody knows, because the way Stephon testified today you KNOW there are about fifty employees that will give outrageous, damning testimonies. Here are the greatest hits:

Browne Sanders grew weepy as she described how the intern, a St. Johns University student, was subjected to a filthy come-on by Marbury's cousin, Hassan Gonsalves. Browne Sanders said the intern told her she later wound up in Marbury's car and the two had sex.

Ouch. But in his defense...

Marbury said he did not know that the intern, who was at the strip club celebrating her birthday with friends, was drunk during their encounter in April 2005. He was prevented from getting into the salacious details by the judge.

That prudish judge just cost I*Heart*Celtics about fifty date rape jokes! Oh well, for the sake of the undoubtedly aghast intern, it's probably for the best. After all, it's important for the witnesses to stay on point- this isn't about porking a terrorized young woman in the back of an Escalade, it's about whether Boss Thomas sexually harassed this woman! Stephon was there to defend his coach's honor!

Marbury admitted calling Browne Sanders a "bitch" after she refused to give him more game tickets for his friends and family.

Thanks for showing up, Stephon, the only way you could have torpedoed Isiah's defense any more would be if the judge had let you share more salicious details from your car tryst. But we're not even at the best part!

Afterward, as Marbury raced to a blue Rolls-Royce trailed by reporters, he called the trial a "tough situation" and refused to speculate on the possible outcome. "It's not for me to judge," he said.

Marbury tried to change the subject by making fun of the reporters' ties and shoes, noting that he was wearing expensive tan lace-ups, then drowning out the pesky questions by breaking into song.

"I got some new Starburys that are coming out," Marbury said before disappearing, a pitch for his reasonably-priced basketball shoes.

Ah, the old point-and-laugh-at-shoes routine! Mature, and vaguely familiar... that's right! Somebody made fun of my shoes once- it was a crackhead that smelled like piss waddling through Southeast DC with his fly open. The difference between him and Stephon is that the crackhead still had a sliver of self-respect and legitimacy.

UP NEXT: More sexual harassment trial! And, somewhere, looming in the distance, a Zach Randolph story! Stay tuned!

GREAT DAY FOR NBA CRIME

Where to begin!?

Isiah Thomas, of course! His sexual harassment trial is underway, and the opening salvo gave us a treasure trove of great quotes that I will repeat over and over again until my family disowns me. But can this woman be trusted?

"Bitch, I don't give a f--k about the sponsors ..." Browne Sanders testified Thomas told her. "I don't give a f--k about ticket sales."

Clearly! He's been running his team as if it was franchise mode in NBA Live 2000 since he's been there. I believe this one. He has been prickly with the media and completely disinterested with his fan base.

She also said Thomas rebuffed her March 2004 request that he sign renewal-request letters sent out to past season ticket holders with a pointed shot at loyal Knick fans.

"Bitch, I don't give a f--k about these white people," Browne Sanders said Thomas told her.

Remember, this is Isiah "If Larry Bird was black, he'd be just another player" Thomas. I believe this one, too.

Browne Sanders, who said she got rave reviews and pay hikes while with the Knicks, testified that when she reported Thomas' tirades to Garden President Steve Mills, he told her to "accommodate him."

Classy!

Also in NBA news, Isiah's former disaster of a team, the Indiana Pacers, flipped out on Shawne Williams today. Why? Because he got arrested for a litany of offenses. If you can name them all, you win a gold star.

Here they are- failing to signal, driving without a license, driving with an expired license plate, and having a blunt burning in the ashtray with purple haze spilling out the windows. Also, as a kicker, the dude that was riding shotgun had a loaded, stolen, 9mm handgun. That joker was arrested, too.

The best part of the story, however, is the response by Larry Legend.

"Although the legal process needs to be followed, we will not accept Shawne putting himself in this position, regardless of innocence or guilt," franchise president Larry Bird said in a statement released today.

Ouch. Shawne's on thin ice. First, his first name sucks. Then, he slipped in the draft, underachieved mightily as a rookie, got busted for something so obviously stupid while hanging out with career criminals while playing for an organization DESPERATE to rid themselves of their thuggish reputation... yikes. Could he do much worse? All I know is that every Polish third division team is clearing a roster spot in anticipation for Shawne's next step!

In related pot news, our boy Justin Reed managed to get all the charges dropped from his pot case that broke last week. Of course, the case was flimsier than T-Mac's back, but he still got released and is looking for a job. Maybe he and Shawne will battle for a roster spot!

Last, I know I'm late to the party here, but congrats to Ryan Gomes on the marriage. Way to go, my man. But, we would like to let you know, that even though you're married, you can ALWAYS tap your foot in the bathroom stall next to I*Heart*Celtics, if you know what I mean!!

Tyrus Thomas Official Webpage!

Here it is, folks, the website you've all been waiting for, tyrusthomas24.com. Yes, the man who could teach a college course on being a douche has hired some web wizards to fix him up with a kickass website to highlight what a good guy he is. So, go there. Check it out. Turn the speakers up. You won't be disappointed!

As expected, the ever-poignant "see the struggle in the symbolic 'struggle' tattoos my delinquent cousin gave me when I was 15 set to dramatic piano music" shot begins the opening sequence. But hark? What is that I hear in the distance? Is that the 'NBA on NBC' theme song played by a third grader on a MIDI keyboard set to a hip-hop beat straight out of Kurtis Blow's recycle bin? Is that some dude slurring/rhyming "riding the bench" with "riding the bench"? Is that same rapper rhyming "he can jump out the gym/I ain't seen to many players jump higher than him"?

Yes, folks, it's true- move aside K.O.B.E. - Tyrus Thomas has a theme song, and it's even better than you could have imagined. I haven't seen an attempt to be thug backfire this badly since Vanilla Ice grew white guy dreads and released "Mind Blowin'." Is there anything less gangsta than an NBC theme song???? The wearing-a-suit-while-scowling-and-holding-a-rim is so laughably unconvincing that you know, as a fact, that there isn't one single person in his posse that isn't kissing his ass and stealing his money. It would be a shame if Thomas was any less of an asshole, but he isn't, and it isn't. Now, I recommend you watch this video over and over again while listening to his theme music! Da da da da duh DAA da DAA!!

The NBA's Amazing Summer PR Campaign Makes Two Stops: Civil Court and Divorce Court

The NBA's PR has been nothing short of a train wreck this offseason. Point shaving, crimes galore, drunk driving, the Stephon Marbury escapades, some other shenanigans I can't remember off the top of my head, and now two of the biggest names in NBA history have potenially humiliating court appearances in their future. We'll start with Isiah Thomas.

Right now is the jury selection process of the trial, when you try to find those twelve people in the state of New York who have never heard of Isiah Thomas, never read the newspaper, don't know anything about sex, and aren't mentally unstable weirdos. The last condition immediately disqualifies all Celticsblog staffers. Sorry fellas.

There isn't anything too juicy right now, except we do hear that the MSG/Thomas camp did try to settle over the summer, which is probably what they should have done. The longer this case stays in court, the worse he will do in the court of public opinion- his lawyers can't prove a negative. They can't prove that he didn't do anything. This woman is going to make all kinds of accusations and some of them will be truthful and some of them won't. Regardless, Thomas is going to look like an ass, and I*Heart*Celtics will love every minute of it. Stay posted!

In similarly sketchy news, Shaquille O'Neal filed for divorce from his munchkin wife. In one of the worst "lawyerspeak" quotes of the year, he claims:

O’Neal claimed in the petition that his wife was “secretive about her assets . . . particularly with respect to certain properties owned or titled in either her name alone, or in other entities”. It went on to describe the marriage as “irretrievably broken”, and requested that O’Neal’s wife give “a correct account of all money, funds, stocks, bonds, and other securities”.

Basically, he's accusing her of stealing shit. Fair enough. Thankfully, TimesOnline digs a little deeper by bringing up that trashy tell-all by Karrine Steffans.

The problems began last year with the publication of a lurid memoir by Karrine Steffans, a former hip-hop groupie and porn star, in which the 35-year-old player for the Miami Heat had a cameo.

Steffans claimed that after O’Neal visited her apartment one night, he gave her $10,000 (£5,000) in cash and was “very upfront about the way [their] relationship would be”. She went on to claim that Shaq’s anatomy was “average – for a 5ft 4in man”, and that he sweated so much during their lovemaking that she had to turn over the mattress.

Although the tryst allegedly took place while O’Neal, who is often referred to as “Shaq”, was still a bachelor, it appeared to validate increasing concerns over the excesses of players in the National Basketball Association (NBA) – and a string of failed marriage and sexual scandals.

The chances of this being completely true? Close to 0. The "tiny dick" joke was lame thirty years ago, and the chances of Shaq working up a sweat during the lovemaking are slim considering he would crush any normal woman like a grape. Still, nothing like throwing a little "former hip hop groupie and porn star" testimony into the divorce preceedings!

Finally, as the kicker for this fine article...

The NBA has recently faced sexual scandals involving leading players Kobe Bryant and Jason Kidd. More serious, however, was the revelation this summer that Tom Donaghy, a referee for 772 regular-season NBA games and 20 play-off matches, regularly spent tens of thousands of dollars betting on the same games he officiated, and gave information to outsiders about the conditions of players, in a scheme involving low-level mob associates.

Statisticians have since claimed that during ten consecutive games that were officiated by Donaghy, the point betting spread moved by 1.5 points before the start of the game, suggesting that huge last-minute bets had been made. Donaghy is currently awaiting sentencing, and could face up to 25 years in jail.

I love this game!

Marbury to NYT: "I'm Crazy, I'm On Drugs, I'm High Every Day"

In an explanation about as plausible as Dave Chapelle's "I'm not on crack" tour of Africa or Bill Clinton's "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" testimony, Starbury informed the New York Times the other day that he is fine and all the puzzled reactions from the public is because "people don't know me". Sounds plausible!

However, this is the best part of the article, even though it's not really Starbury's fault.

Marbury later gave away shoes, sports apparel and haircuts, all part of a campaign, he said, to “help people change their lives.”

When you're living on welfare in a housing project in an area with very few avenues for employment, the first step on the road to recovery is a new pair of kicks, a tracksuit, and most of all, a haircut!

Anyway, Starbury informs the New York Times that he is having the time of his life, there is nothing weird about giving a manic sermon on the sidewalk of New York about Zach Randolph is perfectly normal, comparing himself to David Beckham is plausible, and that mumbling incoherently in televised interviews is how he "bugs out" at home. He also lets us all know that he is trying not to swear, which is nice, and that he is prepared to set a positive example for his children by being honest in his testimony during his head pervert, er, coach's sexual harrassment trial which starts on Monday. Of course, Marbury has already admitted to making "profane" comments to the woman in question... but hey, he's always been a Christian! And he's feeling great!

“I’m in the best place in my life, man,” he said. “It seems like people don’t like when you grow. They don’t like when you get older and you get wiser. I came into the N.B.A. when I was 18. I’m 30 years old. If I didn’t take the time to grow, something’s wrong.”

This article, I believe, represents the breaking point for Marbury. If he gets any crazier, his bizarre tale tumbles from amusing into sad. Thank goodness we will still have Isiah Thomas and the rest of the Knicks to make fun of, or we'd really be in trouble.

DARKO FLIPS OUT; FULL TRANSCRIPT AVAILABLE

Here is the unedited version, courtesy of We Suck at Sports:

Reporter: Darko, first impressions?
Darko: All right, but let's do it over there...
R: Darko Milicic, congratulations despite the loss. First impressions?
D: Nothing, these three big shitheads, these two..three pussies have cheated us, that's what happened. This pussy, these three shitheads think they are something. I will go and fuck their mothers' pussy -- all three of them, that's what I'm gonna (????)...pussies all three of them, I'm gonna fuck his italian mother in her pussy, man, that's what I want to say...
R: Darko, calm down a little bit, your impressions of the game?
D: He's a shithead, he should suck my dick, go on..write that, man...all three of them, the first one and the second one and the third one...I don't give a damn about this, that's what I want to say
R: ???
D: Pussies..they don't call anything...he shit in his pants...I will fuck his mother in the mouth, man...if he has a daughter, I will also fuck his daughter
R: ???
D: ???....we are fighting here, I died...I need an infusion, do you understand...and they cheat us like shit...

Ladies and gentlemen, the second pick in the 2003 NBA Draft, Darko Milicic!!

JUSTIN REED BUSTED FOR POT, RELEASED BY ROCKETS

IN RELATED NEWS; ALLEGED THROAT-SLASHING VALET-ASSAULTING TEAM-KILLING NAER-DO-WELL RAFER ALSTON RETAINS ROSTER SPOT

Yes, in one of those "what are they thinking?" moments, Justin Reed was released by the Rockets yesterday after a lame misdemeanor. Apparantly, he does not live by the Kandi Man credo- "When in doubt, eat all your drugs." He was arrested for possession of less than an ounce of wacky tobaccy, which carries a fine of $100 to $250. In other words, it's about equal to a parking violation or a speeding ticket. While Reed was being released, Rafer Alston managed to spit on three more valets and stab two random dudes at a club, all while complaining about his playing time.

Sweet NBA justice!

RONDO SPEAKS, I*HEART*CELTICS CRITIQUES

Many in the famed Celtics blogosphere have already noticed that our starting point guard, Rajon Rondo, has a blog. Finally, we get to see what three years under Doug Bibby, a year at "basketball factory" Oak Hill Academy, and two years at the storied academic powerhouse the University of Kentucky have done for his writing ability. Amazingly, Rajon can write! He even gets his "its" and "it's" right! Forgive me for being so shocked, but when I read in the Last Shot that Stephon Marbury couldn't even use punctuation after his senior year of high school, then couldn't even name his college after he left for the NBA, then delivered this interview... let's just say it made me a cynic about the intellectual ability of NBA point guards. But, no more!

Rajon's blog might not be nearly as entertaining as Brian Scalabrine's, but it's a solid contribution to our Celtics know-how. Rondo is surprisingly frank and honest for a man who seemingly goes through life with a permanent scowl and dead eyes. We get a little glipse into the life of the Celtics. For instance, did you know that Al Jefferson's nickname among the fellas is "AJ", or that Allan Ray's is/was "A-Reezy"? I didn't see those two coming! He reports that Tony Allen ("TA") is coming along well and was playing some one-on-one games. Rondo is also working "soo hard in the gym" and "putting up shots every day..." Good news! It's also nice to know that he'll "holla" at us whenever something new develops. That's a relief.

The best feature, however, is definitely the comments section. The Celtics webpage undoubtably disabled this feature for Scalabrine's blog to save him from a barrage of anonymous death threats, but the beloved golden child Rondo opens everything up for discussion. Of course, the Celticsblog people immediately treat the "comments" section as if it were a Minneapolis Airport restroom, and if Rondo was taking a "wide stance" and giving a "tapping toes beneath bathroom stall" signal. They started cyberdryhumping the poor guy immediately. Were you expecting anything different?

Anyway, in the comments section, we get a fascinating glipse at some of the psychos that follow NBA players around. Check it out:

" Hey Rajon
my name is sebastian and i live in miami ( you may have an idea of who i am since last year when you guys came to miami i was outside of the hotel waiting for you guys and also bassy was going to give me his shoes but he could not find them. im really excited about this season and i cant wait till nov 30 so i can see you guys.
what places did you visit in miami ???
looking forward to see you run the floor and best of luck thru the rest of the summer , training camp and of course the season = green # 17
sebastian "

Creepy. I'll bet Bassy was really just looking for a hand grenade to stick in one of his shoes for this nutbar.

"Rajon

I cant wait till november 30 so i can get to see you guys at the hotel like last year and of course in the game.... im really excited.
i wanted to ask you if you can make one of my wishes true and that is if when you come to miami you can hook me up with your shoes the same way that leon powe did last year .... i will really appreciate it since you are one of my favorite players on the team

thanks in advance

sebastian "

Yuck. Two posts from the same dude trying to get free shoes. Pretty grotesque. However, I*Heart*Celtics wonderboy Nic once asked Grant Hill for an autograph and a picture while the poor guy was eating hash browns in 7am, so I guess I should check myself.

"Tell my boy D West that Master Po on Celticsblog.com wishes he was still here to go left deep in the paint. Good Luck this year - don't let PP take step back three's. Oh yeah I need some tickets for the Denver game in Denver - call me when they're ready -Peace. :)"

Rajon, tell my boy Master Po that he's a dork from Denver that's trying way, way too hard.

" I was wondering if you have been given any nicknames from your teammates or coaches. I like the nickname "Roadrunner" for you and everytime you score at home, the AV guys can play a "Meep Meep" sound like the roadrunner from the cartoon. Sounds a bit corny at first, but I really think it could catch on! What do you think of this idea?"

I think this idea sucks balls. It simply doesn't have the same ring to it like the classics... "AJ"... "TA"... "P2"... "KG"... or even "G$".

And the award for "creepiest piece of unsolicited advice" goes to... jfelton3!

"What's up Rondo!
Keep shooting that jumper over, and over, and over. Repetition and persistence produces perfection.
The vision of you with a jumper is extraordinary.
You will truly become one of the all time great point guard.
Good luck"

Woah! Is that the secret? Repitition and persistence?!? Rondo and his coaches were searching day and night for the answer. Yet, here we have some fatass in his mom's basement pounding Cheese Doodles and Quarter Pounders while playing Pokeman online against third graders, and he has ALL the answers! Now, championship #17 is all but assured! Behold, the glory of the internet!

Anyway, we heart you, Rajon, and you KNOW we'll holla...

Scalabrine Releases New Music Video

BIG BABY SIGNS - EPIDEMIC EGGO WAFFLE SHORTAGE ENSUES IN GREATER BOSTON AREA

In a move that will immediately bring scoring rebounding, and 4,000 pounds to the Celtics, the club signed Big Baby Davis yesterday. Terms of the deal will be released today. He will probably get a similar deal that Gabe Pruitt got, it was just the details that the two parties were squabbling over. For example, I*Heart*Celtics has learned that Big Baby requested a feeding trough on par with Scalabrine's, but Scal's fragile ego made that impossible. So, the deal-maker was the brand-new wallowing mud pool the Celtics had installed at Big Baby's crib which will allow him to stay cool in between meals. This showed Big Baby's camp that the Celtics were serious and the deal was signed just after second breakfast. Welcome to Boston, fatass!