OK, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?

CELTICS BUILD HUGE LEAD, THEN DECIDE TO TAKE THE FOURTH QUARTER OFF; VIOLET PALMER MAKES THE WORST CALL IN HISTORY

The Celtics quickly built a 28-point lead on the second most chaotic team in the league (behind the Knicks), the Miami Heat. Just as quickly, they started sleepwalking the ball up the floor and the lead was cut to 7 points in the fourth. Thankfully, the Celtics pulled it together just enough to pull out the 95-85 victory. I don't know where people will come down on this one, but I am going to chalk it up to the second game of a back-to-back. Another factor, of course, was that the Heat are terrible and the Celtics had a huge lead for the second night in a row so they lost focus. Some victories are moral losses, this one does not fall into that category. Let's get to the superlatives.

MVP: I am going to give this one to James Posey, who didn't have a great statistical night but played ridiculous defense and had a lot of little things like rebounds down the stretch and a clutch diving steal that made him the most important guy on the floor for the Celtics. Tommy just gave him the Tommy Award, so I know I'm not alone on this one.

LVP: Mark Blunt. 0 minutes. He was spotted down the stretch grazing on palm trees with other retarded giraffes.

WTF Award: Ray Allen was 3-17. WTF.

WTF Award, Part 2: The Heat STARTED Chris Quinn?!? He's not a bad player at all, but WTF!?

Most Impressive Rookie: I love Daequan Cook, and I will never, ever spell his name correctly.

Douchebag Award: Udonis Haslem. He had a perfect form tackle on Ray Allen in the fourth that Violet Palmer called a jump ball. It was an outrageous call and reminded me that Haslem is vastly underrated in the world of douchebaggery.

UP NEXT: Sunday afternoon against the stupid Cavs.

-photo via Rueters, love those guys & gals

SMUSH PARKER GOES STEVEN SEAGAL ON FEMALE VALET

"GIRL, IT'S ALRIGHT" HE CROONS AS HE PUTS HER IN ARMBAR WHEN SHE TRIES TO COLLECT A $12 CHARGE

In an interesting twist, Smush Parker got into a little altercation with a 41-year-old valet. She wanted him to pay for the valet service, he said he had paid the night before, she said he didn't, he said something, she said something, he got bitter and grabbed his keys.

Yomara McKenzie, 41, told police Parker injured her left arm in an attempt to get his keys at a condo building at 355 Biscayne Blvd on Tuesday morning. According to a Miami police report, Parker was told he owed a $12 fee but believed he had paid it the night before.

Granted, this smacks of "working class looking to get a civil suit out of a pro athlete," but it's still hilarious. He has been suspended indefinitely by the Heat, who, if it weren't for the Knicks, would be the train wreck of the NBA that everyone was making fun of. That team is spiraling out of control, and we're loving every second of it.

-Also worth mentioning- Steven Seagal, according to Wikipedia, "has six known children from three relationships in which he has been involved." Plus, he had a marriage annulled because he married the chick while he was married to someone else then cheated on the chick in the second marriage. Woah.

Paul Pierce calls Verne Troyer "Mini Me", Troyer gets pissed, the Celtics season of good feelings rages on!

Don't know how we missed this a while back, but this clip is unbelievable. Verne Troyer walks down the street after dinner, refusing to dish on his latest projects, when behold, Paul Pierce walks by, referring to Troyer first as "Doggie" and later as "Mini Me". Needless to say, the pint-sized Troyer is pissed, kind of tries to explain why he's pissed, and Paul Pierce laughs the whole time. Bravo.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"LOWEST POINT IN KNICKS FRANCHISE HISTORY," SAYS BACKBITING KNICKS BROADCASTER MARV ALBERT; "MOST HILARIOUS GAME IN WORLD HISTORY," SAYS BP

If you actually watched this game, you had a great night. I was giggling during this game like I was a stoner watching bears have sex on Animal Planet at 3am. The Knicks completely quit on Isiah Thomas. Either that, or they are all in the mob's pocket and they were throwing the game. Since this is the NBA, both are possible, but I am taking option 1. Isiah looked about as comfortable as a dude getting a colonoscopy with a curling iron. The team was so emotionally depleted they couldn't even deliver cheap fouls at the end of blowouts. Red had his victory cigar, Isiah has his punk fouls at the end of crushing losses. It's his signature!

However, you can't heap ALL the blame on Isiah. Let's take a look at the Knicks roster, player-by-player.


Robinson- half court three at the buzzer kept the Knicks from their lowest point total in franchise history. Face still looks like whatever that amphibean was called that first walked on land.
Crawford- unspectacular, but he is much better than this team. He would be very good on a team like the Suns.
Richardson- big talker, 3-13 from the floor. KG mentioned that he alone was responsible for firing the Celtics up. Now we know why Moesha dropped his corny ass.
Balkman- every team wants this guy on their roster except for the team that drafted him way too high- the Knicks. Ironic.
Malik Rose- no, he is not dead. He is reborn in zombie mode and he's probably the best player on the Knicks at this point.
Curry- put up the worst hook shot of recent memory, but who can blame a guy that has hands about as supple as sledgehammers.
Jeffries- most likely to injure a starter that Doc was giving way too many minutes to. Thankfully, he didn't.
Lee- love his game. Interestingly, he doesn't get any minutes, even in a blowout loss.
Marbury- 2-6 with an airball and he also dribbled off his foot. The FBI might be investigating this game in a point shaving scandal at some point.
Randolph- 1 of 10 from the floor, and Elias Sports Bureau is still crunching the numbers about how many strippers he has punched in the last 48 hours.
Jones- nice block on Pruitt at the end of the game. I also like him. Funny, all the good, motivated players are at the end of the bench. The coach must be a real moron.


All in all, I can't think of a lower moment for such a (supposedly) proud franchise. Their salary cap is obliterated, they're paying millions to a woman they sexually harassed, their star player admitted to porking an intern in the back of a van, their announcer is still a sex freak with a toupee, they lost by almost 50 points to a hated division rival, the team quit on their coach, the team is 4-10, the coach is also the GM and he's functionally retarded at both posts, the team hates the coach, GM AND the owner, anyone with any interest in basketball is pointing and laughing, the fans hate the everything to do with the franchise, they are in the most intense media market in the world, AND there's no end in sight. Hell, I probably missed something in there. Welcome to hell!

CELTICS UP HUGE AT HALFTIME; RIVERS SAYS IT'S A GOOD TIME TO GET HIS STARTERS SOME EXTRA PLAYING TIME THEY'VE BEEN MISSING OUT ON

*Update* The Celtics are now up 72-35, and Pierce is still in the game! You GOTS to protect that lead, son!

Lock up your interns, the Knicks are in town

The traveling circus that is the New York Knicks rolls into town tonight riding a two game win streak (and an intern or two). Here's what I expect to see:

Bad blood spill over from the preseason:


Although this image seems to date back to a few seasons ago, the Celtics and Knicks renewed their physical rivalry this preseason when Pierce and TA got a little feisty with shoot-first, shoot-second point guard and walking Napoleon Complex Nate Robinson. I look forward to TA punching little man in the neck if he acts up.


Marbury acts like a prima donna:


Marbury's bizarre antics have been the story of the Knicks season so far. I mean, any man who can make Zach Randoplh seem like a good teammate and upstanding citizen is truly a master of self-centeredness and sexual deviance.

Jamaal Crawford strangles Nate Robinson to death, David Lee, all of New York celebrates:



Nate Robinson, who has passed Eric Snow as my second least favorite NBA player (behind Drew Gooden), is so enraging to watch. I work in an office full of Knick fans, and he is the consensus least favorite player, including Marbury. All he does is shoot, dribble, and yap his mouth. Sadly, the Delightful Renaldo Balkman and David Lee play most of their minutes cleaning up his trash. Awful.

Isiah thinks about boobs in crunch time:



The man is detestable no matter how you cut it. Found guilty of sexual harassment, foul-mouthed, resentful, and a terrible GM/Coach to boot, this guy just stinks.

Scalabrine contributes off the bench:


Its about time for Veal to have a big game. I could see him coming off the bench early to disrupt the always-effective-against-the-Celtics-and-formerly-engaged-to-Moesha Quentin Richardson. I just have a feeling Scal is going to hit multiple threes and chase down a few offensive boards tonight. You watch.

Prediction: Celtics Win! Gino will be dancing all night--

UH OH

CELTICS DROP OVERTIME STINKER; STARTING FIVE SMOKED BY SUPREMELY AVERAGE CAVS; DOC WISHES THE GAME WENT INTO DOUBLE OR TRIPLE OT SO HE COULD HAVE THREE PLAYERS BREAK THE SINGLE-GAME MOST MINUTES PLAYED RECORD IN THE SAME GAME


Perhaps time will remember this game as a back-and-forth battle between Eastern Conference heavyweights. Hopefully, it won't be remembered as the first game of a steady decline. The Big Three looked shaky at best, confused at worst tonight, and they were throroughly outplayed by an 8-6 team.

Obviously, Lebron was the big story, scoring 38 points, but the big story for Celtics fans is the fact that the Green had NOTHING on Drew Gooden (who has shaved the poop stain off the back of his head and replaced it with a Taliban beard) and ZeGooniest Ilgauskas, who makes Gheorge Muresan's footwork look like Sugar Ray Leonard's. Those two goofs combined to shoot 17-24 from the field and grab 27 rebounds. (The Celtics, as a team, were outrebounded by 7.) Watching those two wreak havoc on the Celtics front line was worse than the rape scene in the Hills Have Eyes.

Slightly less disturbing was the old, weary looking performance by Paul Pierce. He was sluggishly shortarming 10-footers at the end of the fourth quarter. Surprised? He played 44 minutes. You don't want to know how many minutes Ray Allen played, but I am going to tell you anyway- 49. Sweet. Unfortunately, not one of the starters had a +/- in the positives, while James Posey (+9, 20 minutes), GBBD (+5, 6 minutes), and Brian Scalabrine (+4, 5 minutes) were itching to help off the bench. Hell, even Scott Pollard (+0, 5 minutes) and Eddie House (-2, 15 minutes) were doing better, but all they got was pine time. Meanwhile, Ray Allen was shooting 10-25 and Pierce was 5-15.

WHAT THE F###!!!!!

The Celtics' bench is BETTER, inexplicably, than expected, yet Doc gives them no minutes. The starters were getting shredded and he refused to make a change. I hate to say it, but it's becoming clear that the Celtics will not be a contender with Doc at the helm. He can't put the right guys on the floor at the right time. He's incapable. I'm more likely to be on the cover of Ebony than Doc is to raise a championship trophy.

Anyway, on to the superlatives.

MVP: GBBD. Yeah, he played 6 minutes but he was the best player on the floor. If you don't agree, I'll bet you were held back a grade.

LVP: Ira Newble. I didn't really notice him out there, and he only played 16 minutes, but he was -22 for the game. That's got to be a record for a player on a winning team.

The "I Can't Believe This Guy Is Beating the Celtics" Award: Boobs Gibson. He couldn't start on any team other than the Cavs. He's a symbol of how average the Cavs are.

The "I Can't Believe This Guy is Beating the Celtics" Award runner-up: Mike Brown. The least competent coach of a winning team in history not named Doc Rivers.

The Highwater Award: Brian Scalabrine for consistently tucking his warmup shirt into his warmup pants and then hiking the pants up to his chin.

UP NEXT: Knicks at home on Thursday. Losing to the Knicks is simply not acceptable.

Pruitt trades lower left leg for one-way ticket out of Utah

Gabe Pruitt will suit up for the Celtics tonight after a one game stint with the D-League's Utah Flash. Look for smilin' Gabe to take full advantage of his newfound drinking liberties, including the basic human right of drinking "heavy beer" after 10 o'clock PM (heavy beer bieng defined as beer with an alcohol content of over 3.2%). Can't do that in Utah.

It's worth mentioning that in his one game with the Flash Gabe had 31 points, 8 assists, and a game-winning shot.

FORMER CELTICS GO KIWI

Breaking news: former Celtic Orien Greene has signed a three-month contract to play for the Breakers, in New Zealand. The man he's replacing? You guessed it, former Celtic Wayne Turner, who went down with an injury. (Wayne Turner was kind of the Rajon Rondo prototype- a break-down-on-the-dribble point with no outside shot from Kentucky. However, Tuner would somehow launch the ball from behind his opposite shoulder- the ugliest release in the history of the world.)

Who's excited about the signing of this "huge" "1.93 meter" NBAer? You guessed it, the former "second coming of Kevin McHale", Minnesota's Rick Rickert. There are few things more hilarious than international basketball, where players like Dennis Rodman sign one-game contracts and Scottie "No Tippin, Farm Subsidy Pimpin" Pippin can sign a one-game contract to play in Sweden. Last I heard, Pippin was pretty much broke, BTW. That's just a rumor, but most rumors are kinda true. Maybe that's why he doesn't tip anyone.

International basketball- where Jerome Moiso, Sebastian Telfair's brother, and Joe Forte can have 20-year careers with 35 teams, and Michael Jordan's former teammates can go to get a check to cover the rent for the month.

Celts Prepare to Give Cavs the Business

Cavs fans react (above) after realizing Drew Gooden starts for their team.

Our First Podcast of the Year

You know you've missed them...

This time, it's a two man show as Nic and BP shake off the rust- or do they? You'll have to tune in to find out!

We discuss spray farts, Lucky's hair, Perk's body language, Jesus' snub of GBBD, and shooting Isiah Thomas in the face. Plus, we air some grievances and bitch about Doc Rivers for about 20 minutes. You'll love it, or your money back.

YOU DONT F*CK WITH DA JESUS.

The Bobcats had the ball and the lead with 4 seconds to go, but thanks to a steal by Eddie House, a heads-up pass by Pierce, and a clutch 3 by Ray Allen , the Celtics steal a victory in Charlotte, 95-93.

Back to Domination

The Celtics had a nice, easy win against the Warriors at home tonight. They took a lead in the first and then cruised to a victory. It is weird to have boring wins back in the rotation. Since I am leaving to drive 5 hours in the rain at 6am tomorrow, I am going to make this baby short and crappy, like Baron Davis.

MVP: Paul Pierce. He took almost exclusively good shots tonight, pulled down 10 rebounds, and decided to strop doing his Eddie House impression and shoot every shot from three. This is how it should work- KG works inside, Pierce handles midrange, Jesus handles the perimeter. That's how it was tonight, thanks to Pierce, and it was an easy victory. (Runner up is KG, who was +22 for the game...)

LVP: I love Powe, but all he gave the C's tonight was 2 fouls and a turnover in 2 minutes of action. I feel bad for Powe, though, because his contract is very incentive-laden. He needs minutes pretty much more than anyone else.

Scalabine Update: He drained a three, didn't faceplant, and was hitting the glass. There are few players more painful to watch in the league, but I have to admit that when he's on the floor with a good lineup, he can serve a useful purpose! Just don't let him dribble.

The "I Want His Life" Award: Austin Croshere. Laugh all you want, but this pasty balding doofus has been in the league for 10 years. He has averaged 6.7 ppg for his career, his highest output being 10 ppg. Can you guess his career earnings, so far, not counting this year? Close- it's actually $53.6 million dollars. His HOF probability, according to Basketball Reference.com? Obviously, 0%.

Random Image Award: That one I posted up there after GIS for "Celtics". The Celtics apparently are known for their logo, their dancers, and Snoopy these days, because that's all you get.

The "Other Two" Update: Rondo was oddly absent from the box score, as he does from time to time, but he looked good. Perk didn't have his most graceful game (4 TO), but he dished out 4 assists. Since I can't really recall one of them, my guess is that the dudes keeping the stats were interpreting the term pretty liberally.... but I'm not hatin'!

UP NEXT: Friday against the Lakers. Lock up your wives and daughters unless you are in the multi-million dollar diamond business.

CAPTAIN JACKSON IS A CHANGED MAN, HAS TATTOO TO COMMEMORATE

Yahoo Sports has become a surprisingly good source over the last couple years, but this article might be their best offering yet. It covers Stephen Jackson's "changed man" status now that he is a captain of the underachieving Warriors, who the Celtics take on at home tonight. Jackson was suspended for the beginning of the season for the "strip club fracas" incident, and now he's just starting to get into a groove.

These Warriors had a remarkable run late last season, and they're trying desperately to recapture it at 2-6. For Jackson, it starts with letting go of so many old demons and avoiding old traps. He knows people want to call him a thug, and he knows those who've grown to know him through the years insist that his essence defies all those simple stereotypes.

"Stereotyping is so easy these days," Jackson argued on Monday. "If people know anything about tattoos and the bible, the bible says that the body stays in the dirt and your soul goes to heaven. So our body is just a shell. So if people know anything, they'll know that tattoos are just art."

Fair point. But what would heaven be if we couldn't have our sweet-ass tattoos up there?

Someday, Stephen Jackson wishes that people would see him as an American success story, and maybe that's still out there with the Warriors now. Rest assured, it wasn't for his public image that he had his newest tattoo carved into his chest this summer, but his own peace of mind. Beneath the ‘C' on his uniform, there are two praying hands holding a gun near a church window.

To Jackson, this was his past and future meeting in the middle of his body.

"It wasn't to bust balls, but it was a tattoo for me," he said. "I swore to myself that I'll never be in an incident again. I was just praying to God that I'll never have to use a gun again. It's just something that I want to help me when I want to think about where I came from, and where I am now. I'll just have to look at that tattoo and remember to keep a level head."

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that if you need a tattoo on your chest of two praying hands holding a gun in a church to keep yourself from shooting a gun into the air at a strip club and almost running over a one-armed man, you aren't exactly poised for success. Which leads us to the unusual conclusion of an otherwise outstanding article-

After all, the Warriors' old white guy sees beyond the tats and cornrows and bad history, and Don Nelson believes in Jackson. He's a captain now. This is his team, his time. Stephen Jackson can't screw it up again.

Ooookay!

Anyway, the Celtics play the Warriors tonight, who are a helluva lot better than their 3-6 record suggests. Here are the game keys:

1) Get back to moving the ball. The C's have looked pretty bad the last couple games as Jesus and P2 have been taking some weird shots early in the shot clock. Let's keep that ball moving, boys.

2) Protect the perimeter. Patrick "Popcorn" O'Bryant and Andre "Superglue Hair" Biedrins are not exactly scoring sensations. However, the Warriors can heat it up outside, so the Celtics should be playing aggressively on the perimeter and funneling the Warriors inside to either get slapped around by Perk and KG or dump the ball to those jokers playing the post for botched layups.



3) Play the right players at the right time. Not a tall order, but coaching comes about as easily to Doc as quantum physics comes to Stephon Marbury.

PREDICTION: The scoring gets out of hand, but the Celtics pull out a 123-120 victory. Big Baby and Scalabrine celebrate by decimating the Northeast's turkey population.

What's Up with Your Horrible Time Management of the Celtic's Roster Doc?

Ever since the Celtics traded away 2/3 of their roster for Kevin Garnett there have been concerns about 3 post-prime superstars carrying a team alone. Even as new acquisitions were made and the Celtics began crushing their opponents, the radio and papers have continued to worry about the durability of the big 3. This has been an afterthought for most Celtics fans as they have been far too busy marveling at the strange W's that now appear in the standings each day. My friend and stat guru Dave, brought these numbers to my attention.


As of today the big 3 all make the top 18 in terms of minutes played this season, with Ray Allen topping out at 5th in the NBA. Despite the hard evidence, I have been reluctant to hate on the 2007-08 Celtics in any way. After hearing KG's praise of Doc at a post-game press conference in which he called him "the coolest coach i've ever played for" I was fully ready to embrace him as a Terry Francona-esque coach, where his ability to manage big stars greatly outweighs his flaws as an in-game coach. Sure, the big 3 were eating up minutes, but I thought it was too early to panic. The season just started, so it was expected that the starters would be getting big minutes. Doc was still figuring out and becoming comfortable with his bench. The team still had a winstreak to protect. There were plenty of excuses (his track record not being one), but I still wasn't ready to poo poo on what had been a great Celtics season.

Then came the Heat game. The Celtics played poorly and I was bitter that Doc didn't go to either Big Baby or Tony Allen, when the bench was clearly struggling to score. This came at the expense of Ray Allen, who logged a season-high 45 plus minutes. That was it for me. My torrid love-affair with Doc was over. No NBA player sans Dwight Howard or Lebron James should be playing 46 minutes in November, let alone one who is 32 and has bad ankles. The worst thing was that they maintained a 6-12 point lead for almost the whole game. The game was under control and Doc still didn't put Tony Allenin. This was exactly the groin kick I needed to come to my senses and realize that Doc has been pulling this crap all season.


Ray Allen currently is 5th in the league in minutes played. KG is 14th, and Pierce is 15th. If Pierce and KG hadn't been in foul trouble for a couple games, they would be in the top 10 as well. What the balls is going on here? The Celtics have been BLOWING teams out, so why the holy heck are the Big 3 spending so much time on the floor? This should be the most well rested team in the league. 15 point fourth quarter lead against the Wizards = Lots of Scal time. Beating the Nuggets by 40 points at half time? Maybe its time to give Leon Powe a few minutes of action. Instead the team is riding their superstars and already showing signs of fatigue. They looked absolutely knackered against the Magic and it led to their first loss. KG is an intense person. He burns more calories giving dirty looks to reporters than I do from a whole week of platies. He needs a coach who can mold, channel, and most importantly pace that intensity all the way to April.
If Doc continues to stand-back and be the "coolest coach KG's ever had", your going to see Kevin prematurely blowing his playoff intensity all over the faces of crap teams like the New York Knicks in November. Let's face it. Having a cool coach is like having a cool teacher. No teachers are really cool, they are just nice people with low self-esteem that you can impose your will on and take advantage of. Doc needs to stop trying to be their friend and start being their coach. None of the players need a friend (except Scal). If they did, they would just buy one with their millions of dollars. Its time for Doc to start acting like a coach, pacing the players, and developing the bench with objective of getting them ready for the post-season.

Celtics Get Spanked By Van Gundy, Suffer First Loss of the Season

In a match-up between the two best teams in the East, the Celtics suffered their first loss of the season at the hands of the Orlando Magic. The Magic stuck it to the Celtics from the opening tip, quickly running up an early lead. Despite being a young team, the Magic played to their strengths using their engery and athleticism to attack the Celtics. It worked for 3 quarters as the Magic had a lead as big as 20, but in the fourth the C's battled back and even took a breif lead in the final minutes of the game. Every time it looked like the Celtics would surge ahead, Hedo Turkoglu was their to crush their dreams. Orlando's Turkish delight hit two highly contested 3's in the closing minutes of the 4th to put the game just out of reach.
The outcome was sealed when Tony Allen missed a wide open lay-up in the final minute to tie the game. Although Allen played well, a year ago Tony would have dunked the same lay-up without hesitation. Mentally he i still has a ways to go.

Even though the Celtics shot 53%, they played like bird crap. They seemed intimidated by the Magic early on and really didn't settle til' the 4th quarter. Its hard to believe that anyone could be any more intimidating than Kevin Garnett, but Dwight Howard clearly is. A bonafied man, Howard is the biggest dude in the NBA. Offenses play scared knowing that he's lurking in the paint. The only flaw in his game is that he shoots free throws like a 12 year old girl, but as we all know free-throws are the most OVER-RATED stat ever. On paper the Magic don't have great players, but Howard's presence fuels the confidence of the team and fits their run and gun style. Guys like Lewis, Turkoglu, and Nelson can jack anything they want knowing that at the end of the day Howard is going to be there to clean up their mess.
While the outcome of the game is disappointing and Celtics have sucked for two games, they have played well in both fourth quarters when it really counts. They have shown that no lead is safe against them, and if a couple breaks had gone their way, they would still be undefeated. Posey and House are great bench players, but they really need a low-post presence off the bench. (big baby big baby big baby big baby). Hopefully now that the winning streak is over and the pressure is off, they can relax a little and focus on the big picture of preparing this team for the post-season.


MVP: Hedo Turkoglu. More underrated than Might Ducks 3.

LVP: Adonal Foyle. Played 1 minute 40 seconds. Zero points, rebounds, shots, fouls, and ball touches. Jokes on all of us though, he makes over ten million a year....bahhh

Coach of the Game: If this category were judged in accordance to Miss America standards Doc would have it in the bag. Doc's basketball skills would easily win him the talent competition and Stan "the man" would have no chance if it came down to throwing down in Speedos. Yes Van Gundy is the better looking brother and allegedly has a 15 inch penis, but the man has no alibi when it comes to his looks. Lucky for him, coach of the game puts more emphasis on x's and o's, and Van Gundy looks great with a clipboard. He is by far the better coach and showed it with this win.

Tom Heinsohn Quote of the Evening: "Someone pull his greencard." Referring to Turkish player Hedo Turkoglu after he hit a huge goahead 3 in the 4th quarter.

I Heart Celtics on About.com (and go to a Milwaukee Bucks game)

Our friend Dennis, the Basketball Guide over at About.com, has tapped I Heart Celtics to do a weekly Atlantic Conference review. The first one came out earlier this week, but I was exiled in Milwaukee so I didn't see it until now.

Speaking of which, I went to a Bucks-Grizz game while I was up there and it was the most depressing thing I've ever seen. First, I scalped tickets off of a guy in the street for $5. Yes, five bucks, rendering my $7 beer 40% more valuable than admission to a Bucks game. Secondly, the upper decks of the Bradley Center doesn't have lighting, so it was really dark (illustrated well in the picture to the right) and they shined a searchlight up there to try to pump up the fans. Although it was well intentioned, sitting in the cold dark Bradley center with that damn searchlight snaking around made me feel more like I was attempting to escape a Gulag than watch and NBA game.

Searchlights aside, the game was actually pretty close, but still not exciting. Yi Jianlian played, and I was tickled to hear all 2,500 or so fans in attendance chant "Yiiiiiiiiiii" every time he touched the ball. In a way I could see why the poor fans are so excited about him: the Bucks are the most boring team ever. Michael Redd, their "star" basically jacks up fade-away threes all game, while Adnrew Bogut just stands around in the paint. Mo Williams just runs directly for the hoop any time he touches the ball (and got it knocked away several times), and Dan Gadzuric, well, at least he almost got in a fight with Pau Gasol when Gadzuric blatantly clothes-lined the bearded Iberian.

Sadly, my attention was pulled away from the game due to a gang of 9-year-olds behind me, who had ingeniously revamped the Baja Men's classic "Who let the Dogs out? Who, who, who, who?", singing instead "Who let the Bucks out? Who, who, who, who?" They did this maybe, 5000 times, really getting a kick out of themselves more and more each time. I guess it worked, because sure enough, the Bucks won.

Please be sure to check out our weekly Atlantic Conference roundup on probasketball.about.com.

Celtics Remain Undefeated With Moral Loss to the Heat

Flip on Sports Center you'll be thrilled at the results of tonight victory over the Heat. The Heat mounted a fourth quarter comeback that had more momentum than Big Baby on a skateboard. The Celtics didn't panic. Within the final minute KG set a cross court screen freeing Pierce for the winning hoop, while Posey locked down Wade for the final defensive stop . The Celtics won, and remain undefeated. Sounds great on paper, but if you actually watched the game you would know that the Celtics played like dog poo and showed the world that despite their record, they are far from perfect. Its hard to make a stink when your team pulls out a tough win and starts the season 8-0, but if you have Championship expectations, this game was a giant red flag. While Pierce was in foul trouble and the starters played awful, the real concern was with the coaching.

The Celtics bench has been a pleasant surprise all season, but tonight Doc butchered it. In the second quarter when the Celtics should have put the Heat away, Doc countered Miami's defensive combination of Mourning, Haslem, and Smush Parker, with the offensively-challenged line-up of Allen, House, Posey, Scal, and Pollard. These guys barley got 5 feet from the basket. Going to this horrific line-up cost the the team 10 points and almost the game. The worst part was that the Celtics best offensive bench players, Big Baby and Tony Allen got a combined two minutes of playing-time. In a game where Boston's starters were cold, the C's needed a spark off the bench. All they got was Scal, who committed one turnover by tripping over his feet and falling fat on his face.
The Celtics starters reasserted themselves in the 3rd regaining a double digit lead, but thanks to our old friend Ricky Davis, the Heat bounced back in the fourth and made it a game. Having struggled all night, the Celtics, could not protect their lead.
Yes, the Celtics pulled out the win, but this game was a big step backwards for the team. Its only been 8 games and Doc is already being exploited. He is wearing out his superstars, ( Ray Allen played 45 minutes...) and his substitution patterns continue to be inconsistent and potentially costly. Against a better team the Celtics might not be so lucky.

MVP of the Game: KG scored 26 points and 11 boards. Was one of the few bright spots.
LVP: Scal, Played 6 minutes, went 0-3 and had 2 turnovers, 1 face-plant with an +/- of -5. The Scalabrine effect was nowhere in sight.
Worst Dress: Dwayne Wade dresses well, Riley does not. We know the man can't see, but tonight he looked like a conductors hat.
Mark Blount Douche Bag of the Game Award: Goes to... Mark BlUnt. Entered the game expecting to stick it to his former team. After a massive booing, he proceeded to go 0-1 from the field in five minutes.

Up Next: Sunday, 7-2 Orlando Magic. Eastern Conference Finals Preview.

MARBURY TO CELTICS?!? KILL ME

Somebody going by the name of "Michael Ventre" wrote a column theorizing about where Starbury will land once the Knicks bite the bullet and pay that crackhead $42 million NOT to play. Actually, the column is pretty good, but if you think I appreciated the "maybe he'll play for the Celtics" concluding paragraph- I didn't. Not at all.

And then there are the regenerated Boston Celtics. Yes, it’s hard to fathom that GM Danny Ainge would tinker with what he has going on there now after the club had been so abysmal for so long. The trio of Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen seem to be working smoothly, and Rajon Rondo is an effective point guard.

But Marbury could work there exceedingly well, as long as he wants to. If Marbury is determined to go somewhere and be Starbury, there’s no chance. Yet if he takes a reality check and realizes that the ideal place for him is on a club where he can blend in with other stars and not have to serve as the flash point, then his contributions off the bench in points and assists would be embraced and appreciated. Remember, Marbury’s most electrifying days in the NBA came when he was teamed with Garnett in Minnesota.

I don't want to quibble with anything except for this: "But Marbury could work there exceedingly well, as long as he wants to." True. In related news, Mike Tyson could be a great guy if he wasn't a crazed rapist.

If the Celtics had signed Marbury as a freshman in high school after reading "The Last Shot," I would have been totally stoked because Stephon appeared to be the best player ever. Unfortunately, although he still has skillzzzzzz and I want a pair of his shoes for Christmas, he's incapable of cooperating with a team.

Marbury has never demonstrated even a SHRED of the aptitude to do what the Celtics would need him to do. There is serious speculation that he's on crack because his behavior is so erratic. He has never been on a successful team, and everyone who has coached him hates him. Also, KG, the heart and soul of the Celtics, happens to hate him with the fire of a thousand suns. Those "electrifying years" were 10 years ago when Stephon was young, motivated and spry. Now, he's richer, lazier, and crazier.

Of course, this speculation is silly because it will never, ever happen. People sign guys like Tony Delk to help strengthen a roster for a playoff run, not Isiah Rider. You want a professional role player, not a freewheeling, team-killing, preacher-imitating, intern-porking lunatic. Not to worry, however, even the Celtics' front office is smart enough to stay the hell away.

CELTICS PLAY AVERAGE; DESTROY HAPLESS NETS

The Celtics didn't play great last night, but the Celtics' so-so performance was more than enough to bumrush the Nets. Playing without Vince Carter was bad for Jersey, but they also had to deal with Jason Kidd being old and still shooting like he's playing darts, their Collins twin being HORRENDOUS, Krstchchc having a quarter-inch vertical, and Richard Jefferson talking like a woman. The good thing for the Nets is that they have reloaded with some very good talent. The bad news is that their young talent isn't nearly enough to make them a quality team, and most of them are going to want to bounce once their rookie deals are up.

Antoine Wright didn't do much, (since he went to Lawrence Academy I love him) but he's going to be very good. He can actually play defense, which is rare. Marcus Williams will be good if he isn't hurt all the time, which appears to be the knock on him. Sean Williams is a stud. Unfortunately, he's a lock to be in the I*Heart*Celtics police report within a matter of months. The gossip we heard is that he used to smoke weed in the parking lot outside the gym at BC. Apparantly, his arrogance is matched only by his stupidity.

However, these young dudes can't mask the fact that the Nets play with no cohesion and their starting post players are the least athletic in the history of basketball. Add Princess Vince's megaextension-to-permanent injury move, and the Nets are pretty much hopeless this year. Jason Kidd could be slapping his wife in Los Angeles after the All-Star break.

But back to the Celtics. They have won seven games in a row. If they continue at this pace, they will go undefeated for the season. They would break the record for wins WITH EASE. They would be the best team in the history of the world. THEN, if they continue this pace NEXT SEASON, they could be the first team to go undefeated for TWO YEARS IN A ROW. At this pace, it could happen. However, I am worried that Doc might be trying too hard to lead the Celtics to an undefeated season when really it's the championships that count.

The other good news is that Tony Allen was the best player for the C's last night, which would be HUGE if he could keep that up. 13 points in 23 minutes is legit, especially on a night where Ray was 4-14 and Truth only attempted 10 shots. Allen playing well would give the C's two options for an extra scoring punch off the bench (along with House). Lord knows Scalabrine can't be relied on every night. On to the superlatives!

MVP: Tony Allen. Great game from a struggling player that we love like the terrifying brother we never had. If he had one more bad game, every bar in Chicago would have been on lockdown.
LVP: Gotta hand this one to John Boone, who narrowly beat out Jason Collins. Their combined stat line- 15 MP, 0-4 FG, 0-4 FT, 3 rebounds, 2 fouls, 1 turnover. Jay-Z is thinking that he should play power forward for the Brooklyn Nets.
The "Sportswriters are a bunch of ignorant dumbasses" award: Perk. 10 points, 8 boards, 4 blocks. There are ten teams in the Eastern Conference that would LOVE those numbers out of their starting "5".
The "Atta Boy, Fatass" Award: GBBD. 9 minutes, 4 fouls.
The "That's More Like It" Award: Scals- 10 minutes, no points, 2 rebounds, and an assist. He was also +3 in the +/-, so the Scalabrine Effect was all over the place.
The "At Least He Smiled" Award: Gabe Pruitt- 2 minutes, one jacked three. Where this kid fits into the Celtics' long term plans, nobody knows. When is he EVER going to get minutes!?

UP NEXT: Friday at home against the Heat. The Heat are awful. Chalk up a win, bitches!

Celtics Beat Pacers

STEPHON GOES AWOL; KNICKS QUESTION VAN DRIVERS AND INTERNS ABOUT HIS WHERABOUTS

After being criticized by Isiah Thomas, Stephon Marbury was nowhere to be found at the team's shootaround today. Nobody knows where he is. Newsday is saying that it is "doubtful" he will be at the game tonight. This a blow to his general defense of his bizarre behavior: "I am not on crack."

Here's Isiah's take:

"We hope he's at the game," Knicks coach Isiah Thomas said. "If not, make no mistake about it, we do want him as a member of this basketball team."

The player's coach! Or is he?

Thomas repeatedly called the Marbury situation "an in-house matter" but offered enough information to suggest that Marbury bristled at the coach's displeasure with his play five games into the regular season.

Sounds like a pretty good relationship! I guess this is what happens when you combine a coach killer with a franchise killer. A debacle. Here's the dagger for the Knicks:

Marbury is owed $42 million over the two years remaining on his contract. A buyout would be costly, but not completely out of character for a franchise that paid an $18.5 million settlement for the firing of Larry Brown in 2006.

I love this game!!!

--BTW, Brandon Wallace was assigned to the D-League today. Much less interesting, but worth noting.

Iheartpowerrankings.

With their 5-0 start the Celtics have been getting lots of love in the power rankings this week. Marc Stein moved the C's up to number 2 just behind the Spurs and NBA.com ranked the Celtics number 1 as the hottest team around. With all the hoopla, its time to dust off the iheartceltics player power rankings and get them going for the season. Here are the rankings for the 10 hottest Celtics right now.
(click them to enlarge)

NETS GET DESTROYED; JASON KIDD WISHES HE WAS TAKING A BUBBLE BATH WITH HIS PSYCHOTIC EX-WIFE

The Nets, at the beginning of the game, looked like they could hang with our Celtics. Then, as the game wore on, we realized that Vince Carter is a pansy, Richard Jefferson has Ru Paul's voicebox, the Collins twin they have is pear-shaped, and Jason Kidd is distracted by his all-consuming fury over his ex-wife taking one of his french fries. The Celtics had a 21-point lead entering the fourth quarter.

The Celtics all played pretty well with the exception of Tony Allen, so I am going to focus my attention on GBBD. He played 17 minutes, went 2-5 from the floor, grabbed 6 offensive rebounds (8 total), and fouled out. He could have fouled out in 8 minutes if the refs were calling a tight game. That's pretty much the ideal production for GBBD. Smashing people and grabbing rebounds. More of the same!

I also have a bone to pick with anyone who says that Kendrick Perkins is the worst center in the Eastern Conference. Watch a Nets game, you ignoramus. This is what he gave the Nets last night- 16 minutes, 2 rebounds. He is horrendous, and he's been a starter for YEARS. The Nets' front office is criminally negligent for not addressing that position.

On to the superlatives.

MVP: Pierce. Taking control back!
LVP: Tony Allen looked awful.
Biggest Bust: Josh Boone. I think I ranked him pretty well in our draft thing, but dammit, he sucks.
Biggest Bust Part 2: Jamaal Magloire. Ughhhh....
Biggest Scandal: Richard Jefferson must be giving out blumpkins to every ref who will call a foul for him, because he was getting to the line for some of the most outrageous calls I have ever seen.

UP NEXT: Tuesday at Indiana.

No Stopping Now!

EDDIE HOUSE GOES BANANAS; CELTICS ARE 4-0; CELTICS WIN SO EASILY THAT EVEN GABE PRUITT DRAINED A COUPLE SHOTS

The young and impressionable Atlanta Hawks got a cold hard lesson this evening. The Celtics put on a clinic that veered into "cruel and unusual" territory pretty quickly. The final score was 106-83 and it could have been a lot worse.

The surprise of the game was Eddie House, who ran the point when Rondo was disturbingly ineffective against a team that hasn't really had a point guard in this decade. (Rondo's final line was very good- 6 points, 7 assists, 3 steals, 0 turnovers, but he had Telfairitis for long spells.) House was 7-10 from the field (4-5 on 3's) and he even PASSED the ball effectively. It was surreal. I don't think the Celtics will lose many games when Eddie House is playing like that.

However, the big story that is developing is that KG has taken over this team. It isn't Pierce's team and it certainly isn't Doc's team. KG deserves the attention, though, he was 12-16 from the floor with 19 rebounds. He and Perk combined were credited with 6 blocks, but they redirected a few more as well. Horford and Josh Smith were a combined 8-25 from the floor, and most of their makes were outside the paint. Perk had his first good game of the year. Hopefully, he continues to develop a chemistry with his new teammates and keeps crashing the offensive boards like the Beast he is. He played an important role tonight.

All in all, there isn't much to be discouraged about if you are the Celtics. Scalabrine took a nancy slap to the face and dropped like the redheaded sack of cement he is, but he should be ok. Posey didn't play, the Celtics didn't need him, and he remains day-to-day. On to the superlatives:

Weirdest Stat Line: Rondo. He looked lost at times, but his box score would indicate that he had a solid, if not very good, game. Weird beard.

WTF Moment: I walked into the room to see Big Baby at the free throw line and I swore it was Martin Lawrence in the "Big Mama's House" fat suit. Someday, I will get used to how fat that guy is, but it's not going to be any day soon.
Best Young Player: Horford is going to be a stud. He seemed to get lost in the shuffle at Florida, but he is a very good player.
The "You Didn't Watch the Celtics Until They Got KG" Award: Garden crowd. I love Scalabrine as much as anyone, but the "SCAL-A-BRINE" chant when he went to the locker room was a little ironic, considering he didn't play any differently tonight as he did last season, when he was getting booed. A player that was the whipping boy for the franchise's failures is now the symbol for their hard work and hustle. Whatever.

UP NEXT: New Jersey Nets in Dirty Jersey, tomorrow night. I hate them.

Celtics Versus Atlanta's Air Force Preview

I am going in to this preview somewhat blind, because I don't know what the Hawks' record is at this point in the season. Since they are the Hawks, I am going to guess they are 1-3.

(Googling...)

Ok, so they're 2-2. Bill Simmons mentioned that he thought that the Hawks were a dark horse team. The reason being that they have a ton of young talent and they can't help but be better than horrendous, which is what they always are. Every season. Well, I'm not buying the hype.

Take a look at their roster. Their whole team is undersized 4's and slow 3's. Oh, they also have the only player in the NBA that has a turkey gobbler neck now that Vin Baker spends his game nights in the drunk tank- Anthony Johnson. While I will admit that the Al Horford and AC Law picks in this years' draft were surprisingly lucid for a franchise hellbent on failure, it's still not enough to build a quality team. Perhaps I'll be wrong on the season and they will be decent, but I won't be wrong in the game tonight. Just look at the matchups.

Joe Johnson versus Ray Allen: Joe Johnson shot 3-17 in their last game, whereas Ray Allen has been lights out all season. Advantage- Celtics.

AC Law versus Rajon Rondo: Two young, promising, and (so far) foul-prone guards go head to head. Now, AC Law has a size advantage. However, he shoots the ball with absolutely no rotation, baffling to everyone not named Toni Kukoc. Rondo has a speed advantage. Also, and this goes largely undocumented, but he has an intelligence advantage. Sure, he only went to two years of college at Kentucky. But AC Law spent four years at Texas A&M, which is about as good of an education as eating lead pant and huffing gasoline for four years. Advantage- Celtics.

Josh Smith versus Paul Pierce: Please. Advantage- Celtics.

Marcus Williams versus KG: Laughable. Advantage- Celtics.

Al Horford versus Perk: We have to be subjective here. Horford may be 6'9" and a rookie, but he's got the advantage here. As much as I love Perk, his offensive game makes Ben Wallace look like Hakeem the Dream. The good news is that KG will provide some help defense and he's also used to getting double-teamed, because you KNOW they're not going to be guarding Perk on the offensive end. If the Hawks can exploit this mismatch to make up for all their other deficiencies on the floor, Al Horford will score 85 points.

Bench: The Hawks basically use a two-man bench- Josh Childress and Salim Stoudamire. Scals matches Childress' afro puffs with his cheese puffs, and Eddie House can out-jack-threes Salim any damn day of the week. This is a clear advantage for the Celtics.

Coaching: Mike Woodson versus Doc Rivers. Choosing the better coach is like choosing between a sledgehammer to the testicles or getting your toenails ripped out in a Turkish prison. However, the Celtics are actually getting coached by KG, so this again is a Celtics advantage.

Prediction: KG exploits his size advantage to dominate the post, opening up the perimeter for Jesus to start raining threes like my boy Ross Jacobson up in the Breadbox.

CELTICS WIN 115-99. Book it!

CELTICS DESTROY BUTT NUGGETS

In a game that would have been boring if it wasn't so impressive and sadistically hilarious, the Celtics welcomed the Nuggets into their home and then metaphorically punched them in the balls, stole their wallets, and made out with all of their sisters. The Celtics shot 72% in the first half. A couple minutes into the second quarter and the Celtics were winning 47-22. Najera was picking up technical fouls, Iverson was wishing he was still in Philly, Carmelo looked like he'd rather be throwing Olympics medals into lakes, George Karl looked like he needed a couple cases of antacids delivered to the locker room for halftime, and old nemesis Kenyon Martin was back to his old prison-yard-douchebag self by picking up foul after foul all while wearing a facial expression that suggested his IQ was lower than his rebounds per game average.

How about those Nuggets!! They are loaded with big names, bigger contracts, high expectations, and a volatile high profile coach... and yet they still start a guy named Linas. The players look like they are barely tolerating each other right now. (I can't blame them, just looking at JR Smith makes me irritated.) The Nuggets have a loooong road ahead of them, and my guess is that Nene will stop at every Chuck-O-Rama along the way.

But back to the Celtics, though- if they played like this every night they would be a lock for the title. They got the ball to the right guy at the right time all night long, they protected the rim, and they were all over the boards. The Celtics swarm to the ball once it hits the rim, I love it. Then the bench players come in and basically spazz around like hyperactive third graders. We were worried that a good Celtics team wouldn't be very funny, and we have nothing to worry about. Any team where Scalabrine STRUTS is hilarious. The only bad thing was James Posey leaving with an injury- I didn't see it happen and since I want Tony Allen to get his minutes anyway I haven't really looked into it since. Oh well!

Quick superlatives...

Fattest: Nene
Most overpaid: Nene
Most bug-eyed: Marcus Camby
Saddest to Watch: Allen Iverson
Biggest Waste of Space: JR Smith
Least Attractive on the Inside and the Outside: Kenyon Martin
BP's Mancrush of the Season Thus Far: Ray Allen
Most Nimble Fat Man: Glen Davis
Luckiest Professional: Doc Rivers
Unluckiest Professional: Allen Iverson
Best Prediction: Nic predicted a 124-83 victory. Way to go, you pasty redheaded goon.

UP NEXT!!!
Atlanta Hawks at home on Friday. People say the Hawks are good. I say the Celtics are better.

Celtics v. Nuggets Preview

The Nuggets roll into Boston tonight fresh off a beatdown from the New York Knicks. From that I can only assume the Nuggets suck. Sure there is the possibility that Kenyon Martin might play tonight and J.R. Smith is back from a conduct suspension for assaulting someone outside of a nightclub, but im sure Allen and Posey are not intimidated. The bottomline however is that the Nuggets will either be starting Yakhouba Diawara or Linas Kleiza at the guard spot. Yes those are people's names, but who they are I couldn't tell you.
The Nuggets are 2-2. Their two victories have come against young inexperienced teams and their two losses have come against more experienced mediocre teams. This is clearly going to be another underachieving Nuggets team that will fart out enough wins to get beat in the first round of the playoffs. It seems that the nuggets are in for a flogging.
Let's check out the match-ups:

Center: Perk v. Camby
Sure on paper Camby is a better center. Yes he gets more "rebounds," "blocks" more shots, and scores more "points," but lets be honest. His body is more fragile than Scal's ego. Perk will break his knees before halftime.
Edge: Perk

Power Foward: KG v. Nene
The Nuggets could be starting Nene's twin sister Shanene and it still wouldnt make a difference.
Edge: KG

Small Foward: Pierce v. Carmello
While Mello has the speed and an armsleeve to his advantage, Pierce is going to bounce back from a rough game against the Raps and dominate this former Orangeman.

Guard: Ray Ray v. One of Two Foreign Guys Ive Never Heard Of:
The two foreign guys are probably pretty foreign, but THE EDGE still goes to Allen.

Guard: Rondo v. Iverson
Iverson will be forced out of his comfort zone with the speedy,Reeces Pieces eating defenese that Rajon Rondo brings to the table. After getting schooled by TJ Ford on Sunday, Rondo will determined to stop the answer.
Edge: Rondo

Bench: Posey, Scal, House, Allen, GBBD v. JR Smith, Edguardo Najera, Chucky Atkins
JR Smith can be dangerous, even in scenarios not involving nightclubs. The Celtics bench is much deeper and they have better role players with Scal and Big Baby tipping the scales in their favor.
Edge: Celtics

Prediction: Celtics 124 Nuggets 83

Jackie Christie Talks Celtics, Sluts

I Heart Celtics' favorite ball-and-chain Jackie Christie, who apparently has a blog for my favorite basketball website HoopsHype, has spoken: The Celtics will win 60+ games. Not only that, but she calls it "great news". Here's what the old battle axe says:

In today’s society, it seems like great sports news take a back seat to controversy and rumors. I ask myself… Isn’t anyone interested in writing the good stuff about sports anymore?

Can’t we just focus a little more on the fact that...the Boston Celtics will be a 60-plus Ws team [?]

I'm with you Jackie. This is great news, and the Celtics are already one thirtieth of their way to matching your prediction. Of course, this prediction is coming from a person who has insisted on marrying the same man a staggering 13 times. She is also the same person who was once quoted as saying "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping" (put that in your pipe and smoke it, Winston Churchill). Although I do not hold quite as strong of an opinion on shopping in the face of adversity, I am glad that Jackie and I share the same high hopes for the Celtics.

Unfortunately, Jackie's Celtics love ends there, as she switches gears to another I Heart Celtics favorite topic: sluts. Long story short: they're everywhere. In cars, at autograph signings, delivering mail to the locker room. Its freaky.

I was certainly riding high after Jackie's column, until I noticed her most recent post, in which she predicts the following: "I must say that Dallas is going to be really tough to beat, especially now that they have acquired Juwan Howard." Like that, the stone that had "Bo