AND THE AWARD FOR BEST QUOTE OF 2007 GOES TO....

"I never played a game sober, unfortunately."

-Keon Clark

CELTICS ARE MARGINALLY BETTER THIS SEASON THAN LAST SEASON

REMAIN LOSSLESS ON WEST COAST ROAD TRIP; PUSH WIN TOTAL JUST PAST 2006-2007 LEVEL

Sacramento Brings "A" Game; Celtics win by 20

The Celtics began their West Coast trip tonight and it only took them one quarter to lay the beatdown on their purple-clad opponents. 33-5 runs usually put the game out of reach, and this was no different. It was exciting to watch the Celtics pound the ever-living sh!t out of a team of professionals, then I stopped watching once the game was out of hand. So, this won't be the most in-depth analysis.

Co-MVP: James Posey & Eddie House. These two dudes came off the bench to shoot 6-11 for threes. No one from the C's starting lineup had a great shooting night (the team shot only 40.8% for the game), but when these two are on I don't think the Celtics will lose no matter how bad Pierce is shooting.

LVP: The Kings' playboy owners saw Reggie Theus' ability to persuade butterball Anthony Anderson to shoot 100% from halfcourt in the fourth quarter for the Deering Tornadoes- he couldn't persuade Kenny Thomas to do better than 0-1 from ten feet. Reggie Theus isn't just the coach, he is LVP.

UP NEXT: The hapless Seattle Sonics, the worst team in the league. I think this game calls for the old Maynard Hansen HAA team strategy- when you are friggin' killing a team, make sure that every player on your team hits a three pointer before the game is over. My suggestion is to get Perkins out of the way first, work on Big Baby sometime in the second quarter, Scott Pollard & Leon Powe in the third. You don't want a big man shooting threes when time is an issue in the fourth. You can squeeze House and the like anytime. Also, it's easier on them when the shots are from the top of the key so they can work the straightaway shotputted bank shot. Go C's!

STOP THE INSANITY; PAUL PEIRCE IS THE BEST PLAYER OUT OF INGLEWOOD

Let's not get carried away. Apparently, there is a "debate" about who the best NBAer is to come out of Inglewood, CA.

Pierce is a five-time All-Star, and Theus was twice honored. Also from Inglewood is Hornets coach and three-time NBA champion Byron Scott. Lisa Leslie is a three-time Olympic gold medalist who won two titles with the WNBA Los Angeles Sparks, was the first player to dunk in a WNBA game, and once scored 101 points in the first half of an Inglewood Morningside High game. Tina Thompson is another gold medalist and a four-time WNBA champ with the Houston Comets.

Are you friggin' kidding me!? Paul Pierce has averaged almost 24 points per game for 10 years. Reggie Theus averaged 18 for a bunch of crappy teams, although he did do an outstanding job holding down the Saturday morning slot after City Guys. Basketball-Reference gives Pierce a 77% chance of making the Hall... Reggie Theus gets a sparkling 5%. There's just no comparison... and if we must throw stupid Byron Scott into the argument he has a 1% chance of making the hall and a 100% chance of making arrogant and stupid comments to the media. Want a sample?

"On the record, Paul Pierce is second, or maybe third to Lisa Leslie," Scott said. "And I'm still the best to come out of Inglewood."

Dammitall, I hate having to deal with this sh!t. I know with any other person that would be a joke, but Byron Scott's ego makes Kanye West's look like Ghandi's. And as for Lisa Leslie, scoring 101 points in a half is impressive. However, equally impressive, at Camp Nashoba I once threw down 20 points in five minutes playing against third graders that wanted to be painting rocks instead of playing basketball. Does that make me the best player to come out of Still River, Massachusetts!? Get outta town! Women's basketball is a whole different sport. There is basketball and then there is women's basketball in the early 90's, where no one can jump, the two-handed set shot still existed, shooting percentages hovered around 2%, and everyone in both starting lineups averaged double digit turnovers per game. If you were 6'9" and coordinated and DIDN'T score 101 points in a half against that competition, your name is Zheng Haixia.

Now, I'm done with these shenanigans. I am off to IMDB those City Guys to see what they're up to.

GO WEST, MY SONS... AND WIN.

CELTICS NOT TO BE INTIMIDATED BY REGGIE THEUS' ABS, LAVISHLY APPLIED COCONUT OIL, MUSTACHE STOLEN FROM RON JEREMY'S STUNT DOUBLE, ERRATIC CHEST HAIR, INVISIBLE NIPPLES, FRO, OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT LEATHER THING HE HAS THROWN OVER HIS SHOULDER IS

Owning and operating the extremely lucrative enterprise known as I*Heart*Celtics puts us in a difficult position- right between the sissypants rah-rah dorks that frequent Celticsblog and the haters that, sadly, root for other teams. In all honesty, while Celtics fans can be (very, very) annoying and also can live in Delaware, they are nothing when compared to the morons that looove to hate on our boys in green. These troglodytes have been saying all season that the Celtics had an easy early schedule and that they had yet to play an elite Western Conference team on the road. Somehow, this is enough of an argument to discredit a 22-3 start, the best in the NBA. (Ironically, these people often give major props to the Trailblazers, who have won a whopping 3 games on the road this season out of 12 tries, but I digress.)

Here's why the Celtics will do well on this road trip, and the haters should choke on stale Christmas cookies until death:

1) Newsflash to Earth: the West isn't that good anymore! Do people realize that the Nuggets, who the Celtics absolutely curbstomped earlier in the season, are FOURTH in the West? Or that Tim Duncan and Tony Parker are banged up? Or that the Mavericks recently were OBLITERATED by the Toronto Raptors, who were then beaten so badly by the Celtics that our proud franchise was charged with a hate crime against Canadians? Or that the Suns (third in the conference) are playing .500 ball for their last ten games, including losses to the Timberwolves and the Heat!? Sure, the West has the reputation for being the elite conference for a reason, but the gap is much, much closer between the two conferences this year. I'm not even convinced there is a gap at all!

2) Here is the upcoming road schedule for the Celtics: Sacramento, Seattle, Utah, and the Lakers. The first two just flat-out suck, and even if the Kings were good, Brian Scalabrine has watched so much "Hang Time" that he can finish Reggie Theus' sentences. The third (Utah) is in a complete tailspin, complete with a European douchebag having a pouting match with his corpse-like coach and Jabba-like owner.

Now, the Lakers are a good team, but the Celtics already easily beat them earlier in the season. They are a tough team, to be sure, but beating the Lakers doesn't immediately make the Celtics a title contender, and losing to them doesn't make them a pretender, either. By the way, the Lakers are fifth in the conference and just beat the Suns (third in the conference), and most of Lakers' losses are, SURPRISE, to Eastern Conference teams.

3) The Celtics can't be blamed for their schedule. They have lost three games, all to quality (at least at the time) opponents- all by tiny margins or in overtime, or both. And, the Celtics could be undefeated if their coach hadn't called for ass-backwards endgame strategies. They are beatable- by good teams playing at their highest level. However, they haven't lost to any jokers (although the Cavs' recent performance isn't helping my argument here). What can a team do other than win the games they have to play? Criticizing the Celtics for not having a tough schedule is akin to criticizing Tom Hanks for not saving Battlefield Earth or Ishtar.

All in all, the Celtics should have a 4-0 road trip if they play their level of basketball, which is better than every team in the league at the moment. Then they have to return home to two Western Conference heavyweights- the Memphis Grizzlies (SO glad the C's didn't go for Pau Gasol, criminy...) and the Houston Rockets with a banged up (as always) Tracy McGrady. If Yao Ming ever played as big as his calves he would be averaging 80 points, 75 rebounds, and 30 blocks per game but instead he gets pushed around by anyone with a pulse and can't guard Tiny Tim.

So sure, I might get pissed when Doc draws up the only play capable of losing the game when you have the ball in a tie game with 5 seconds remaining, but the fact of the matter is that the Celtics haven't destroyed Western Conference contenders just because they haven't played them yet. It's only a matter of time, bitches, and if the Celtics fail I will simply blame Doc and/or say it was the slightly curdled eggnog talking.

Rondo Saves Chanukah

I am not Jewish nor do i know how to spell, but in tonight's 103-91 domination of the Orlando Magic made tonight a happy Hanukkah for me. After losing another big game to Detroit on Thursday, the Celtics had to prove that they could squash better teams than the Chicago Bulls. They played like a true contender tonight with 4 of 5 starters scoring 20 points and the 5th (Perk) grabbing 12 boards. The C's played team basketball at its finest, but tonight the real story was Rajon Rondo, who tied a career-high 23 points on a remarkable 8-10 shooting. Rondo is shooting 52% from the field this year. With the exception of Tony Parker and Sca'ls Cholesterol, no perimeter player should have statistics this high. He is hating on the haters, showing that not only can he shoot, but he is one of the best mid-range shooters in the league. A scary thought considering the cast that surrounds him. With Perk's low-post moves maturing like a fine cheddar ( fear that baby-hook bitches), the Celtics are looking more and more like the best team in the NBA.

The Magic are sometimes considered the toughest team in the East, but tonight the Celtics put that debate to rest. The only time the Magic posed a legitimate threat was in the second, when Rondo was in the bench and the Celtics lost their rhythm. After closing out the half and putting up yet another dominant 3rd quarter, the game was just out of reach in the fourth.
Tonight proved that when the Celtics play well, no team in the East can beat them. When they last lost to the Magic, they played horrible and still almost won. Today they played good and won convincingly.
Celtics fans can now enjoy their holidays knowing that their team can get up for big games and is ready for the west. The Celtics have yet to play their best ball and they are 22-3. Teams better lock-up their daughters because in 2008 the Celtics will dominate.


Player of the game: Rondo. He won the Tommy award and is truly developing into an elite point guard before our eyes.

Coach of the game: Doc Rivers. Either Stan the man was swimming laps at half-time, or he sweats like a pig. The Magic couldn't find the Van G-spot tonight.

LVP: Rashard Lewis. For the 8 billion dollars he's being paid, his 15 points 3 rebounds 0 assists had no impact on the game. If Adonal Foyle hadn't scored 0 points in 4 minutes he would have been getting all the dirty looks in the locker-room tonight.

BACK TO BORING

CELTICS WIN LAUGHER AGAINST THE TERRIBLE BULLS; GO BACK TO BLOWING PEOPLE OUT AT HOME; I*HEART*CELTICS PLEASED; THIS PICTURE CONFIRMS OUR SUSPICIONS THAT KG IS A FRIGGIN' MANIAC



The Celtics took out their frustration on the hapless, directionless, idiotic Bulls tonight. I have a hard time taking the Bulls seriously, especially since Luol Deng and Ben Gordon passed up ridiculous contracts over the offseason because they think they can get more. Memo to the league: they're not that good. If you need a guy to go 3-10, or 5-13, or something like that, and play mediocre defense and get no rebounds, feel free to pay them $15 million per, but I wouldn't recommend it. I don't know what the hell happened to that team. Hinrich is utterly, absolutely useless. Gordon and Deng run willy-nilly shooting fadeaways under pressure with 20 seconds on the shot clock. They have big clompers who can't rebound, and then you have that spazzoid Nocioni jacking up the most random shots ever caught on tape. To top it off, you have the most uptight coach in the league flipping out on the sideline and making sarcastic comments to the refs. Talk about a quagmire. The Bulls are so awkward to watch. It's especially painful because they are basically the Celtics of the last few years. They have a roster of young players who could be good, but aren't, and they constantly disappoint by making idiotic decisions. To top it off, they have no chemistry and a clueless coach.

This game was out of hand in the second quarter. Then Pierce got his hero moments in the third, James Posey had a great shooting night and one hilarious airball, Tony Allen got some good minutes to atone for the criminal negligence against the Pistons, and all was well in Celticlalaland. As some idiots are saying, championship teams beat the piss out of crappy teams. Congratulations for making the most obvious point in the history of sports. However, beating the piss out of the Bulls is nice and all, but it's troubling when the team has demonstrated a complete lack of direction in crucial moments against teams that are actually good, and smoking one of the worst run teams in the league by 20 points isn't going to help that much. Still, a win is great. Consider the Bulls the Celtics' slumpbuster.

Now, to the superlatives.

MVP: Give this one to Tony for sentimental reasons. Great to see him back attacking the rim and shooting free throws from his shoulder.

LVP: Scot Pollard, who delivered nothing on the stat line in 5 minutes. Oh wait, he dealt out 4 fouls. That's quick work!

Worst Free Throw Shooter: Noah- he drew backboard on one of them. Outstanding!

Best airball: Posey was hitting everything in the first half, then tossed up a three that missed by about two feet to the left and was four feet long. Popeye Jones had better looking airballs, but then again Popeye Jones looks like a monster.

Best move: Perkins' no-fake turn to the middle to get hacked. We keep hearing about all these moves that Perk is working on, but I have yet to see one in action. Who cares? He gets the ball in the post, turns slowly to the middle, doesn't jump, and people are so shocked by his lack of a move and how easily they can block his shot that they panic and foul the ever-living crap out of him. Crazy, but innovative and effective!

Best coaching: Doc Rivers was miked up in the first half, and implored his team to keep scoring baskets and playing defense. It was just in time, because I think I saw Ray Allen say to Rondo, "Let's turn the ball over and miss our assignments!"

Best dribbling: Nocioni's ballhandling skills made Walter McCarty look like Mike Conley in this video... Rondo just had to pick up the ball and cruise in for an uncontested dunk.


UP NEXT: CHRISTMAS!!!!!

3 MAJOR TESTS; 3 MAJOR FAILURES

CELTICS LOSE SECOND (OF TWO) HIGH-PROFILE MATCHUP OF THE SEASON; WILTER IN SECOND HALF; BENCH CONTRIBUTES ZIPPY, SKIPPY!

Doc Rivers keeps on saying, over and over again, that the Celtics haven't won anything yet. That's not true. They've won 20 of 23, but unfortunately they have won ZERO games against top-tier conference talent. They have fallen to Lebron and the Cavs (not counting the Lebron-less Cavs), the Magic, and the Pistons.

Tonight, the bench contributed nothing for the Celtics. Paul Pierce, who was a sizzling 5-16 from the floor, wound up taking the potential game winner because clearly he still has a nearly unmatchable ego, and for some reason Tony Allen was guarding floptastic former Celtic Chauncy Billups on the final play. If you don't think coaching matters in this league, I can guarantee you stayed back a grade, or at least was in special ed reading class or something. Doc saves his best for the final stretches of games against the Pistons, and this was a marvel to behold.

However, it's difficult to pin this whole loss on Doc, even though I enjoy doing it. The major flaw of the roster, the experts said before the season, was the bench, and great sassy molassy were they right about that tonight. They combined for 52 minutes and 5 points. Subtract Eddie House, and they scored ZERO points. Scott Pollard looked like he was playing wearing leg irons. James Posey was running around like a kid with ADHD after drinking a case of Red Bull. Eddie House admittedly hit a clutch 3 down the stretch but that's pretty much the ONLY redeeming play the bench had all night.

The good news is that the Celtics almost won despite their monumental failures. The other good news is that the starting lineup is pretty friggin' legit if they can hang with arguably the best team in the East with no help from their coach or their bench. (The Pistons didn't get much from their bench, true, but they STILL tripled the C's point output.)

Enough rambling. Let's look at the positives versus negatives.

NEGATIVES
1) Celtics blew a large lead in the second half.
2) Celtics had no bench help whatsoever.
3) Paul Pierce had a terrible shooting night, Ray Allen had a great one, yet Paul Pierce had the final shot. Pierce had two of the worst f****** shots I have ever seen down the stretch. The final shot was an off-balance fadeaway from the baseline with a man in his face. When was the last time you saw Pierce drop a fadeaway from the baseline? Trick question, because it has never happened, ever. DAMMIT!!!!!

Here's are the things Doc was going for when drawing up that final play.

First, he had to get the ball in the hands of the guy that just shotputted a three off the backboard then got beaten down the floor with an immediate baseball pass for the biggest lead of the game. After all, he had gone 33% from the field at that point.

Second, he had to make sure that the ball didn't get in the hands of Ray Allen (9-13 from the floor, just tied the game with a miracle 3), Eddie House (miracle three down the stretch), Kevin Garnett (9-15, getting hacked all over the place), or Rajon Rondo (taking everyone off the dribble at will).

Third, he had to make sure that his the worst shooter that night got the ball in the worst possible position on the floor going in the worst possible direction. (In the corner moving away from the basket.)

Fourth, he had to make sure that after the miss, there was plenty of time for the Pistons to call a timeout and go for the final shot.

PERFECTLY EXECUTED. There's your coach of the month, or week, or whatever it was, ladies and gentlemen!!

4) Defensive breakdown on the final play gave me flashbacks to the "don't guard Rip Hamilton strategy" employed last year.
5) Tayshaun Prince had the worst game I have ever seen him play and the Pistons still won.
6) Doc Rivers was outmatched by a dude named Flip.
7) Celtic starters were only marginally better than the Pistons' starters.

POSITIVES
1) Rondo's legit.
2) Ray Allen is back on track.
3) No one got seriously hurt.
4) Chauncy Billups luckboxed their way into that final play. Flopper.
5) C's defense is still really, really good.
6) Um... it's a long season. DAMN!!!

This game was incredibly frustrating and disheartening. It's weird how last year the team sucked so hard I would just be making Scalabrine at the vending machine jokes... now losses actually piss me off and ruin my evening. DOUBLE DAMN!!! Christmas is ruined, Hannakuh has been retroactively cancelled. This sucks.

I HEART J.A. ADANDE

I thought he spent all his professional time bickering with knuckledraggers (Woody Paige), douchebags (Jay Mariotti), and zombies (Bob Ryan) on the most annoying show in the history of television, ("Around the Horn") but I was wrong! Mr. Adande just delivered a fantastic article for ESPN. He examines the ridiculous misconception commonly echoed by roid ragin' cheater wordsmiths like Barry Bonds (and admittedly alluded to by current mancrush KG after the first attempt at a trade), the idea that Boston isn't kind to black players:

In the 1992 Public Enemy song "Air Hoodlum," Chuck D rapped about a basketball phenom who was "so quick at 6-foot-6, down to be picked by anyone but the Celtics."

That was the prevailing attitude. And it was rooted in ignorance.

Part of that's because, prior to the 50th anniversary season of 1996-97, the NBA never did much to promote its history. While everyone knew the role the Dodgers played in integrating baseball, most people didn't realize the Celtics were the Dodgers of basketball, the Texas Western of pro hoops.

The Celtics were the first NBA franchise to draft an African-American player -- Chuck Cooper in 1950. They became the first NBA team to send an all-black starting lineup onto the floor. The man responsible was the same guy who put together the Celtics teams of the 1980s: Red Auerbach.

Bravo, J.A. Sure, Bob Ryan or Dan Shaughnessy should have been writing variations on this column for the last 10 years, but thanks for picking up the slack. Now the Celtics can spend less time worrying about race and more time giving the Pistons the beat down.

Celtics waive Brandon Wallace; Could be trying to make a move

December 18, 2007 - 5:44 pm

RealGM Staff Report -

The Boston Celtics announced today that the club has requested waivers on forward Brandon Wallace. The Celtics roster now stands at 13.

Wallace signed as an undrafted free agent on July 10, 2007. The 6’9” forward out of the University of South Carolina did not appear in any regular season games for the Celtics. He averaged 1.2 points in 4.7 minutes per game during the preseason and was assigned to the Utah Flash of the NBA Development League on November 13, 2007. He averaged 12.5 points and 9.2 rebounds in six games for the Flash.

CHARLES OAKLEY ARRESTED!!!

DECEMBER 18--Meet Charles Oakley. The ex-NBA All-Star was arrested early this morning after Georgia cops spotted him driving erratically. Though a Breathalyzer test showed Oakley's blood alcohol content was below the state limit, the former New York Knicks forward (who turned 44 today) was charged with impaired driving (state law makes it a crime if a motorist is "under the influence of alcohol to the extent that it is less safe for the person to drive"). A cooperative Oakley, who was nabbed around 3 AM, was also cited for failure to maintain a lane, according to Auburn Police Department reports (Auburn is about 40 miles north of Atlanta). Oakley, who was driving a 2008 Range Rover, was booked into the Gwinnett County lockup and bonded out after about three hours in custody. He is scheduled for a February 20 court appearance.

-Via The Smoking Gun as well as Deadspin

Tis, the sea-son to be Per-vy!

The AP Reports:

Nets star Jason Kidd is being sued by a 23-year-old model who accuses him of groping and threatening her at a Manhattan nightclub two months ago.

The lawsuit, filed in Manhattan's state Supreme Court, says Kidd "battered and assaulted" the woman in the Lower West Side club Tenjune on Oct. 10 when he "grabbed her buttocks and crotch on multiple occasions."

"He kept staring at her and then went over and grabbed her butt," the woman's lawyer, Russell S. Adler, said Friday. He said, "She told him 'Get off me! Get away from me!"' before bouncers pulled Kidd away.

Yi Jianlian Beware: Big Baby Is Better Than You and He Wasn't Genetically Engineered Like You Prepare To Lose

Celtics Give Kings A Royal Kick in the Sac [ as in both testicles and Sacramento]

BE ADVISED: THIS GAME SUMMARY CONTAINS EXCESSIVE TNBC HANG TIME REFERENCES.

As you can see from the highlights, Coach Theus was not happy with his team tonight. Without Kevin Martin, the Kings folded worse than that time Danny tried to tell Julie that he liked her.
After the Celtics got out to an early lead, the "road warrior" Ron Artest lived up to his billing and led the Kings back in the second. The Celtics let their guard down and trailed by a few at half time. In the 3rd the Celtics gave the Kings their business and were able to open-up a double digit lead. By the fourth, the game was in the bag and the Celtics cruised in for the easy dub. After the game Coach Theus treated both teams to burgers and milkshakes at The Stadium.
The real story tonight was the absence of Kendrick Perkins. He missed the game tonight after suffering a bruised toe after dropping his bed on his foot.

"I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right," Perkins told the Associated Press. "When I moved, one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot."


Im no Al Borland, but I dont find it surprising that when a 300 pound man moves to one side of his bed, it tilts. Don't count out the possibility that "fixin' the bed board" is some sort of alibi for a much more embarrassing cause of injury such as "hurt in the act of boofing" or "hurt in the act playing guitar hero II." When Police first questioned Jamaal Tinsley about the gunshots found in his car and personal trainer's elbow, he too claimed it was a bed-bored related accident.
Luckily for the Celtics, Glen "Teddy Broadis" Davis saved the day, making his first career start and scoring 16 points and grabbing 9 boards in 26 minutes. Even with those numbers, the box score never does Big Baby justice, as his hustle and relentless pursuit of the basketball turned the negative of missing Perk into a big positive for the team.


Player of the Game: Paul Pierce. The Big 3 have been playing "humble" basketball of late. Paul returned to superstar form tonight with 26 points, 6 boards, and 4 assists. He showed real "truthiness" tonight as he played like a captain should and never let Artest into his head.


Coach of the Game: Doc Rivers. I love to trash the guy, but right now I can't. Starting Big Baby was genius and in a game where they struggled early, he made great adjustments in the second half. While Reggie Theus has done a solid job this year, he got burned tonight. Maybe Sacramento ought to think of hiring Dick Butkus.


LVP: Artest. Even though Artest played well and his point total currently exceeds his album sales, he is still a D-bag who likes to abuse his animals and spouse.

Cavaliers Considered Signing Tractor Traylor

In a move that makes certified half-wit Isiah Thomas look like Stephen Hawking, a move that makes Robert "Tractor" Traylor's hula-hooping skills (above) look like a beacon of kinesiology, Danny Ferry seriously considered signing Tractor Traylor to fill in for the phantom Brizillian Anderson Varejao.

The indespensible Detroit News reports:

Had the Cavaliers not been able to finally re-sign Anderson Varejao, they were toying with the idea of signing former Michigan man Robert "Tractor" Traylor.

"I worked out Saturday and took a physical," said Traylor, who hasn't played in the NBA since 2005. "Once they signed Andy, I knew they were going with their guy. And they should, he's their guy and he's the one that helped them to the (Eastern Conference) championship.

Upon reading this news, the look on my face probably more than slightly resembles that of Big Baby's ESPN picture (right). I just don't know what to say to this. I feel like I've been hit in the head by a sack of potatoes. How would any cognizant being ever consider signing the Tractor at this point? Especially considering the free agent big men around the league at this point: PJ Brown? Danny Fortson? Even the Kandi-Man would be a better choice than Tractor Traylor.

While overall I feel really badly for the city of Cleveland becaue they have the worst-run team this side of one New York Knickerbockers, I feel the worst for the Tractor. Fresh off the hook of some hardcore legal issues, the man just wanted to play some NBA ball:

"Sure, I'm disappointed. It would've been great to come back and play with a good group of guys."

Traylor instead will play for a team in the Puerto Rican professional league.

The Puerto Rican Professional League, eh? While I had low expectations when I googled it, low and behold one of the all time great Celtics happened to be the only other player I recognized on the league's rosters. Apparently told that deer migrate south for the winter, our old friend Kevin Pittsnogle throws down for the Guaynabo Conquistadores.

A possible Pittsnogle/Tractor Traylor combo? Tengan cuidado Boricuas!

Of course Isiah Thomas would not be outdone, and upon hearing the news attempted to trade his resident Q, Quentin Richardson, for Traylor's incarcerated "Cousin Q".

I*HEART*CELTICS CONTRIBUTER (AND ACCOMPLISHED BALLROOM DANCER) NIC DISCOVERED OVERSEAS, DYING HIS HAIR BLACK AND REFFING INTERNATIONAL SOCCER GAMES

COMMITMENT TO I*HEART*CELTICS CALLED INTO QUESTION; WILL BE FORCED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ON PODCAST TONIGHT

BULLS WISH THEY HAD DEALT FOR GARNETT; LOOK LIKE SILLY GOOSES NOW

CELTICS WIN 92-81; KG GOES 5-5 IN THE FOURTH AS CELTS WIN EASILY DESPITE SEVERAL LISTLESS PERFORMANCES (*COUGH* PAUL PIERCE 1-8 *COUGH*)

CELTICS HAD AN 8-GAME LOSING STREAK AGAINST THE BULLS APPARENTLY, BUT NO LONGER

RAJON RONDO ABSOLUTELY ABUSES LUOL DENG ON ONE PLAY, REST OF THE BULLS FOR THE REST OF THE GAME (18 POINTS)

SCALABRINE'S HAIRCUT IS TERRIFYING AND I*HEART*CELTICS IS READYING THEIR INTERVENTION

JAMAAL TINSLEY'S POSSE ATTACKED BY ASSAULT-WEAPON-WEILDING CLUBBERS

'MEL MEL THE ABUSER' DODGES SEVERAL MORE BULLETS; NEEDS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF INDIANAPOLIS

Incidents regarding Jamaal Tinsley are rapidly moving from hilarious to terrifying. His cars were riddled with bullets at 3am last night after a confrontation at a nightclub, this time at "Cloud 9". What we understand is that some haters were giving Tinsley and his boys a hard time about their sweet-ass cars, some words were exchanged, Tinsley's posse went to leave, and then realized they were being followed by two cars. Instead of going home, they pulled into a hotel parking lot and, logically, a shootout ensued. Before long, they were being sprayed with bullets, apparently from a friggin' ASSAULT RIFLE, and Tinsley's brother was shooting back like he was Jason Bourne. Luckily, everyone involved shot like they were on the set of The A-Team and only one person was injured (the Pacers' equipment manager, of all people, was shot in both elbows somehow). Of course, we can virtually guarantee that as the details come out this incident will get sketchier and sketchier.

However, this is beyond ridiculous. We may need to intervene here. Our first word of advice for Jamaal Tinsley- whether it's your fault or not, you should probably stay the hell out of nightclubs in Indianapolis. He's just about to go on trial for the infamous "coat check fracas." Remember that?

A grand jury indicted Tinsley on a felony charge of intimidation and misdemeanor counts of battery, disorderly conduct and intimidation in connection with the Feb. 6 fight...According to a police report, the bar manager said Tinsley threatened to kill him during the fight. The confrontation with the players followed another fight involving a person who employees thought was trying to steal coats from the coat check area, police said.

Our second word of advice, don't hang around with guys like this:

Police arrested one person in Tinsley's group, Antoine Toon, 31, on an outstanding warrant out of Georgia.

So, in summary, the I*Heart*Celtics Plan for Success does not entail driving a sweet-ass Rolls-Royce around town at 2am with a huge posse, a dude on the lam, your hanger-on brother with a gun, to a nightclub in a town where you have had several dangerous altercations, WHILE AWAITING A FELONY CHARGE IN COURT IN ONE MONTH. Yamma hamma.

Random Wikifacts: Did you know that Tinsley was known as 'Mel Mel the Abuser' in Rucker Park, or that he dropped out of high school? Both are true, according to Wikipedia. However, there is no mention of his off-the-court issues, which is precisely why Wikipedia is the most hilarious "source" in the world. We heart you, Wikipedia!

BEATDOWN IN BEANTOWN

WE DEFY YOU TO FIND A MORE AWKWARD PHOTO THAN THAT ONE (THANKS REUTERS); I*HEART*CELTICS WONDERS WHETHER SCAL IS SHAVING HIS ARMPITS; TORONTO RAPTORS LOOK LIKE ASSES; CELTICS GET A TEAM EFFORT IN EASY WIN

Celtics make bad Andres look good; Posey and House bail out Celtics

Truism: The only combination of Andres that I fear in this world is the one two punch of Andre Brut (above), and Andre Cold Duck Grape, available wherever cheap, agressive alcohol is sold. As for Andre Miller and Andre Iguodala, they scare me about as much as an M. Night Shyamalan movie: that is, they are marketed as being scary, but the only thing scary about them is that they are horrifyingly bad.

Nevertheless, the Celtics allowed the 'Dres to run amock last night, as they combined for 50 points on 61% shooting. This is simply inexcusable. Andre Iguodala is clearly a talented athlete, but he is NOT an elite basketball player. His shot selection is atrocious, as he refuses to square up, instead opting for fadeaways with hands in his face. He makes every play harder on himself by trying to pull off indivdualistic, highlight reel plays. For that reason, he normally shoots around 41%. For some reason, this has garnered him fame and, tentatively, fortune in the NBA. Iguodala turned down a 5 year, nearly $60 million contract before the season - aka the most rediculous thing I have ever heard and just knowing that makes me want to boycott the NBA on principle. Next thing you know, Drew Gooden will be turning down $100 Million for 2 years plus free haircuts and beard trimmings at LeBron's in-house barber shop. But I digress...

Andre Miller, although a more accurate shooter, is not the type of guy who should be scoring 19 points in a half. The Celtics, who coming into this game had the best defensive FG% in the league, got torched by Miller's drives to the hoop and spot up jumpers.

As Donnie Marshall accurately explained post game, the Celtics came into the game expecting to coast, the Sixers played as hard as they possibly could, and the Celtics were down at the half. Luckily for us, "Coach of the Month" Doc Rivers must have delivered a riveting halftime speech, because the Celts woke up in the second half. I'm guessing it went something like this:

Scene: HalftimeDoc Rivers stands in lockeroom. Garnett, Allen, Pierce, and Rondo play spades in the corner over stacks of Euro C-Notes. Scalabrine and Glenn Davis shake the vending machine. Tony Allen chases a butterfly around the room with a net. Eddie House listens attentively..

Doc: "OK guys, move the ball. Box out. This is a basketball game."

Eddie House hears: "Eddie, shoot the ball. Everytime you touch it. The shot clock in the second half has been reduced to 2 seconds."

The End

Either way, it worked, as House and James Posey combined for 32 points on a numebr of huge threes, and the Celtics took the game, 113-103.

Atlantic Division Roundup!

Check out the latest Atlantic Division Roundup at About.com BBall!

CELTICS HATE GABE PRUITT- SEND HIM BACK TO UTAH; WHERE REGULAR PEOPLE ARE DORKS, CRIMINALS ARE F*CKING CRAZY AND COPS ARE TAZER-HAPPY MANIACS

Doc Rivers Wins Eastern Conference Coach of the Month

Podcast 12/2

This week, we blather on and on about the Celtics' victory over the Cavs, Isiah Thomas getting locked out of his hotel room, a fat ginger throwing away his Knicks jersey, Bill Walton's bongos, Nic's ganja goo ball consumption, and Smush Parker's valet fiasco. We may set the I*Heart*Celtics record for use of the words "rusty trombone".

Click here to listen!

No, no, I sucked more!

STAR CELTICS PLAY TERRIBLE, BUT THEY WERE PLAYING AGAINST THE LEBRON-LESS CAVS SO IT DIDN'T MATTER; BIG BABY IS THE BOMB; VICTORY ABOUT AS SATISFYING AS BEATING A SPECIAL ED KID AT CHESS