I*HEART*CELTICS BREAKS DOWN THE TRADES ONE BY ONE, AWARDS RIBBONS TO TOP THREE
The trading spree is over, the dust is settling, and Isiah Rider is snorting that dust. The Celtics looked like they were falling apart after three awful losses in a row, and all of a sudden the Pistons were right behind in the loss column. The Celtics didn't make a move for a backup point (was Juan Dixon just totally out of the question!?), and many of us are a wee bit nervous. The I*Heart*Celtics team is going to break it all down for you, science-fair style. Many props must be given to this
this incredible website for the inspiration. We will award the top three ribbons at the end, but keep in mind that every entrant got a "Participation" green ribbon. It marked the greatest moment in Chris Wallace's career.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS - Moon Babies (Sounds Intriguing, Logistically Flawed)
BP says: I say the Cavs stay about the same. They got rid of Larry Hughes and his terrible contract but picked up maybe the only contract worse- Ben Wallace. The Cavs improved offensively at shooting guard but downgraded offensively at power forward. They maybe improved marginally defensively at power forward but downgraded defensively at shooting guard (Hughes is a pretty good on-ball defender). They are about as equally injury-prone now as they were before. Plus, adding Ben Wallace to your team at this point is about as smart as hiring Latrell Sprewell to be your
financial advisor, or Vin Baker to
run your restaurant. Now, I'm not right about everything, but I am right about some things, and
on the subject of the Ben Wallace signing I was right on the money... except about Tyson Chandler being a stiff... but who saw THAT improvement coming!?
Anyway, everyone is talking about how Drew Gooden is a head case, but he always torched the Celtics. I can guarantee that Ben Wallace will never do that. Sure, the Cavs improved their bench, marginally, but there's a reason team after team is giving up on Wally. He gets hurt a lot and he can't guard his little sister. Even with this shakeup, the only huge matchup advantage the Cavs have over the Celtics is Lebron, and if the Cavs could trade their 6-12 players with the Celtics, they would do it in a second.
Some people get all wrapped up in the salary implications, but usually teams end up using any extra cash to overpay marginal talents anyway, so when I see the Cavs swinging a trade for a washed up backup power forward (Wallace), and oft-injured journeyman SG (Wally), one of the biggest busts of all time (Smith), and Delonte, I don't think that shifts the balance of power in the conference.... and this is THE big move they're going to make to save Lebron from leaving in a few years?
Nic Says: Bill Simmons
says that this trade makes the Cavs the favorite in the East and gives them a significant advantage over the Celtics. Bill Simmons would be horribly wrong. This wasn't a "let's roll the dice" trade, this was an "oh crap! LeBron is pissed that we didn't get J-Kidd, Pau Gasol, Mike Bibby, or Shaq, so we better mix up half our roster so it looks like were doing something" trade. The addition of Ben Wallace crippled the Bulls, so how is a trade centered around the addition of Ben Wallace and Wally World going to turn the Cavs into contenders? Even if they do play well, what does this do for the Cavs in the long run? Both of these guys are aging like a loaf of moldy bread. If they don't win immediately, they will be royally f*cked next year. The only saving grace is Delonte West, but most teams are too dumb to even know he exists. Don't be surprised if we see Damon "I have a mohawk, thus am a raging tool" Jones, scarfing up Delonte's playing time.
SEATTLE SONICS - ELECTROWORMS (Makes sense to somebody, just not those bound by science and reason)
BP says: I am surprised that people actually think the Sonics are moving in the right direction. First of all, their owner is a cheapass who hates the city. Second, pretty smart hiring PJ as your coach. Third, pretty smart trading Ray Allen for Wally World, Jeff Green, and Delonte West, then trading two of those players for cap space. Fourth, you lost Kurt Thomas. Fifth, having a million draft picks when your franchise is a mess and your owner won't pay for anybody or pay anybody after their rookie deal is a strategy that is nonsensical.
NIC says: As I mentioned yesterday, I attended a Sonics game against the Jazz two weeks ago at Key Arena. I've never seen a more pathetic team. Not only do they suck sasquatch testicles, but they play like team who knows their owner has already mailed in the next two seasons. They are just running through the motions, with the only agenda being make sure Durant gets a billion shots per game. Sure they are clearing cap space, but the manner in which they are doing it and the way they are alienating such a great basketball city/fanbase is sickening.
PHOENIX SUNS - Fat Man to Mars (Shaq is fat)
BP says: I have to temper what I am writing about this trade because right now the Suns are torching the Celtics at halftime, but planting a fatass that is at least 30 pounds overweight and two steps short in the middle of a running offense doesn't make sense to me. If you want to go to Mars, you usually don't want a fat man on board.
NIC says; I hate to say it, but after watching the Celtics/Suns game, Shaq looks like the next Ben Wallace. He can stand there and get rebounds, but he is no longer an offense threat and in no way dominant. Throw in the fact that his free throw shooting is worse than Scott Pollard's comedy and you've got one big 20 million dollar milk dud. If Steve Nash can't get you easy baskets, something is wrong.
SACRAMENTO KINGS - This Project Stinks 
BP says: They got rid of Mike Bibby about three years too late and they still have Ron Artest crazying up the joint. At least this year their coach didn't get a DUI during preseason, but their coach this time is going to bail the moment his agent whispers the sweet words "Hang Time 2: The College Years" into his ear. It's also difficult for Theus to balance managing practice while negotiating his compensation for an upcoming "Playgirl" pictorial.
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES - Crystal Meth, Friend or Foe?
BP says: The Grizzlies think it's a friend, but let me tell you, it's a foe. Lay off the meth at least during working hours, Chris Wallace.
ATLANTA HAWKS - Voice of the Dragon (We're skeptical)
BP says: Yeah, you got a point guard, finally, even though you could have taken several outstanding point guards in the last 104 draft lotteries in a row you've been in. And when you finally get one, it's Bat Boy and he's completely washed up. So, it's kind of like naming your project "Voice of the Dragon" and then sitting there with a tiny little computer. Sure, it sounds nice. I don't think that you really have the voice of the dragon in there, and I don't think the Hawks will improve that much with Bat Boy.
NIC says: Mike Bibby hasn't been considered a good player in 5 years. The Hawks haven't been considered a good team since 1990. What makes anyone think that pairing Bibby with the Hawks will put them over the top?
NEW JERSEY NETS - Something Smells Fishy (Maybe it's just New Jersey)
BP says: Sure, they got rid of Jason Kidd's enormous contract and picked up Devin Harris, who's probably better than Kidd at this point, but this team is still too weird to get excited about. It smells fishy, and that's not just because Vince Carter is a va-jay-jay. The team appears to have no long term or short term plan... I mean, they just traded for Stromile Swift (wtf?) and they still have a terrible front line and a bunch of prima donnas. Plus, they got rid of Antoine Wright, who is going to be good, and their backup point guard appears to be stealing more laptops instead of dishing out assists. Sure, the Kidd trade worked in their favor, but this team is still a mess.
MIAMI HEAT - The Ideal Pancreas, Part 2 (The Search goes on)
BP says: Much like these two budding young scientists searching for the ideal pancreas, the Miami Heat are searching for the right combination of players to compete for a title (again). They trade and trade and trade, endless searching for that ideal pancreas, I mean, lineup. The Shawn Marion pickup was nice, and getting rid of Shaq was absolutely necessary. However, their
roster is still about as awkward as these science fair partners, and I believe the search will continue until at least part 3 or 4.
NIC says: They failed to trade Mark Blount making this trade a failure. If you have Blount on your team and you make a trade without him, its probably a bad trade, because that worthless piece of monkey-dung is still on your team.
CHICAGO BULLS - Help! (They're screwed)
BP says: A clear cry for help from the Pax-man in Chi-town. THE CHICAGO BULLS JUST TRADED FOR LARRY HUGHES. Larry Hughes has probably the worst contract in the NBA, other than Stephon. What the HELL is going on up there in Chicago!? The Wallace escapade was a debacle, Scott Skiles went down in a ball of flames, Luol Deng and Ben Gordon are turning down contracts that are for FAR more than they are worth... and now the team is a total mess. They were the ideal franchise a couple years ago- cap space, young upcoming players, hot coach.... then they made a trade for Ben Wallace and the whole franchise imploded. Finally packaging Wallace for spare parts while the team is in a downward spiral... the Bulls front office is left sitting around dazed and slack-jawed next to a poorly constructed project that simply screams, "Help!"
HOUSTON ROCKETS - What is my dog's favorite color? (Worthless)
BP says: While the rest of the Western Conference was gearing up, the Rockets made a move that accomplished about as much as figuring out what their dog's favorite color is- they swapped a second-round pick for the world's highest paid cupcake enthusiast, Gerald Green. I'm happy that Gerald will be able to play for his hometown team, if by "play" you mean "practice for the Slam Dunk Contest every day and warm the bench". I love Gerald Green, but if he couldn't pry minutes away from Rashad McCants I don't see him giving T-Mac much of a breather, either. Who knows, maybe this is where Gerald will blossom into the three-point shooting dynamo we all saw during warmups every game, but in the Western Conference arms race, this just doesn't cut mustard.
CHARLOTTE BOBCATS - Plants and Pop
Michael Jordan the GM IS this kid.
Jordan: Oh, the trade deadline is tomorrow? Quick, grab me some computer paper, tape, posterboard, a pencil, some house plants, and 2-liter of Mountain Dew. I can make this work.
DALLAS MAVERICKS - Extreme Wood
BP says: Dealing for Jason Kidd was an attention grabber, much like the aptly titled "Extreme Wood" project shown here. Unfortunately, despite the impressive title, presentation, and lab coat, the Mavericks are still a weirdo wearing torn pants presenting a weird project built on a highly dubious premise. Wood cannot become more extreme, and you don't improve a team by adding a guy that is shooting 36% from the floor and can't guard anybody quicker than water buffalo. Sure, Jason Kidd is a triple-double threat every game, but he's a GUARANTEE to throw up a bunch of bricks and get terrorized on defense.
Here's the part of the deal that I really hate, and perhaps this didn't factor in to why the Mavs traded for him but it has certainly been a point made over and over again by those analyzing it- that Jason Kidd brings "playoff toughness" and is a "floor general". First things first, you can be as tough as
Fulton Reed from Mighty Ducks 2 but if Chris Paul is blowing by you all night long (as he did a couple days ago) it's not going to make much of a difference. Plus, in terms of not cracking under pressure, we're talking about a dude that punched his wife in the face when she took one of his french fries.
NIC says: In a day where GM's just give away Pau Gasol, the Mavs gave up a lot for Kidd and his mammoth contract. They lost their best big man in Diop, of course Devin Harris, and are now their swimming in luxury tax. If Kidd becomes even the slightest bit disgruntled, Dallas will be cursing the day this trade went down.
NOW, TO THE WINNERS!!!
WHITE RIBBON (THIRD PLACE) GOES TO...
SAN ANTONIO SPURS - Juicy Beans (Small improvement but with delicious results)
BP says: The Spurs went about their business as usual, keeping their poker face the entire time. However, much like the concept of Juicy Beans, their moves get better and better the more you think about them. They basically cleared their dead wood (Elson, Brent Barry, one late first rounder) for a frontline player that will really help them out- Kurt Thomas. While their project was well-conceived... that kid presenting it was lacking the necessary charisma and enthusiasm to carry them to the blue ribbon.
THE RED RIBBON (SECOND PLACE) GOES TO....
NEW ORLEANS HORNETS - Hornets Basketball by Basil Khalil (Brilliant) 
BP says: Basil Khalil is the best name of an NBA GM, and he's lived up to his name's reputation. He is young and confident. He is a numbers cruncher. I would guess that he plays a lot of fantasy sports and plays very few real life sports. However, the Hornets have built the best team in the West out of scraps and Chris Paul. Now, they add the crazy-ass Bonzi Wells and the underrated Mike James for practically nothing. This was smart for the Hornets. They made a small move without giving up much but adding some scoring, craziness, toughness, and experience. I may advocate for the Hornets winning the blue ribbon.
NIC says: The Hornets were sick before this trade. Without sacrificing their chemistry, the Hornets managed to add more depth and firepower through the addition of Bonzi and Mike James.
AND THE BLUE RIBBON, TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE...
LA LAKERS - Drop It Like It's Hot (Couldn't Pull the Trigger Fast Enough)
BP says: Look at that kid. He knows he has a winner. He has the confidence of a champion. Smart NBA GM's are like sharks, and Chris Wallace is a big flabby seal spurting blood all over the place. Even the woeful Lakers, who are an old blind shark with false teeth and syphilis, managed to rip Wallace apart. Everyone in the NBA says that Wallace is a great basketball mind, but that's because they all want to pull a trade with him somewhere down the line. The Lakers got a center that will immediately make them a title contender. The rest of the trades are either unmitigated disasters, modest upgrades, or are "wait and see".
NIC says: Its funny how the Lakers organization thinks they are so smart and pretends like acquiring Gasol was always part of their plan. The Lakers were one more early playoff exit away from Kobe going Kermit Washington on Mitch Kubcheck. Don't let this trade fool you. The Lakers organization is still incompetent. It just happens that Chris Wallace decided to GIVE the Lakers Pau Gasol, the most underrated big-man in the league. How many Chris Walace's does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he uses a hammer.
