SUNS SPEND EVENING BITCHING, CELTICS SPEND EVENING BITCH-MAKING

WHAT ELSE IS NEW? CELTICS ARE 24-5 AGAINST THE WEST THIS SEASON. WHY THEY BLEW THE LAST TWO GAMES IS ANYBODY'S GUESS, BUT NOW THEY'RE BACK ON TRACK

This game was mostly a blowout. Nothing really was shocking- Shaq looked awful, the ESPN people were talking about how great the Shaq move was, all the Celtic starters scored in double figures... I guess the real story was Rondo's outstanding performance against Nash. Rondo had 14 points, 6 assists, 6 rebounds, 1 turnover. Nash had 12 points, 9 assists, 2 rebounds, 1 turnover. However, Nash was -23 for the game whereas Rondo was +17. Noice.... The signature moment in this game, in my opinion, came in the decisive third quarter when the Celtics put the game away. Rondo was isolated against Nash at the top of the key, dealt him the reverse crossover, which froze him completely, allowing our boy Rondo to cruise on by for an uncontested layup. Hey Steve, Rondo's reaction is better than your better.

UP NEXT: Revenge against the Hornets, Friday.

GERALD GREEN SHOULD BE PLAYING IN THE NBA

Special thanks to a person whose name rhymes with Great Wiggum for sending me this article from our buddies over at SI- nobody has picked up Gerald Green, proving that crappy teams in the NBA couldn't build a respectable franchise if you literally HANDED lottery pick talent to them. Here is what Gerald Green can do better than most in the league- shoot, play basketball with fewer than 10 fingers, dunk the hell out of the ball, and live with his mom. Fans of franchises in the lottery this year should sue their teams for negligence and gross misconduct for not snapping Gerald up right away.

Drafted by one of the league's most storied franchises, Green opened the eyes of scouts and coaches alike with a mesmerizing display of athleticism in the NBA's post-draft summer league for the Celtics in 2005. The following year, Green announced his presence on the national stage by winning the dunk contest during All-Star weekend. He also had some productive games for Boston, making him an intriguing acquisition for Minnesota in last summer's Kevin Garnett trade.

But now, less than a month after a second-place finish in another dunk contest, Green is sitting at home in Houston without a contract, his career at a crossroads at age 22.

I am not concerned at all for Gerald's wellbeing. He can go over and play in any country in Europe or the Middle East and make a fine living. He won't starve. What I am concerned about is how blindingly stupid the dregs of the NBA are for not picking him up. Do people realize that Brian Cardinal is still in the NBA? That Casey Jacobson, career average of 5ppg on less than 40% shooting, is still collecting a paycheck as a long-range shooting SPECIALIST!? Do you realize that he is shooting TWENTY-THREE PERCENT FROM THREE POINT RANGE THIS SEASON!? The Grizzlies front office obviously has about fifty different cognitive disabilities between them, but is there anyone in the world that would look down the Grizzlies bench and say- "These guys are building for the future, they have Brian Cardinal AND Casey Jacobson. They also have Kwame Brown. These guys know what they're doing." OF COURSE NOT.

Now, granted Gerald plays in the most overstocked position in the league, shooting guard. I also know that Gerald is not prized for his defense. Here's what I say about that- who gives a crap. Gerald can score, and he can score fast. He can shoot from anywhere and he's exciting to watch. He does not have a bad attitude that I ever witnessed in Boston- although this article makes him sound like a pissant in Minnesota, I'd be more worried about him if he loved it there. Sure, every player loves not playing, not getting a contract extension, playing for a terrible team with a dumbass coach and a Frankenstein monster GM in a city where the most fun you can have is sit around and hope Prince happens to walk by. Gerald was treated like crap in Minnesota and ask KG if being a Timberwolf is an enjoyable experience. Sprewell would rather get his yacht impounded by the IRS than play for the Timberwolves for $20 million. If given the choice between playing for the Wolves or getting your toenails ripped out in a Turkish dungeon, 99% of players said they would prefer the dungeon. In fact, the only person who said that he wanted to play in Minnesota was Mark Madsen.

In Houston Gerald got hosed when the team got squeezed in the big man department... so it's not like Gerald has been run out of the league on a rail. My point is that someone should have picked him up the moment he hit the market. Here are Gerald's numbers from his last year with the Celtics- 10.4ppg, 42% FGs, 37% threes, 80% from the line. And that was playing with a paranoid schizophrenic as a coach. Here's the best part- even in a year (this year) when he got no minutes, no respect, and was playing in an offense that was incoherent, Gerald got better at rebounding the ball, passing the ball, attacking the basket (more FT's per 36 minutes), and defense. THOSE ARE THE AREAS EVERYONE WANTS HIM TO IMPROVE!!! The fact that a 22-year-old shooter with a 45 inch vertical that has already averaged 10ppg IN THE NBA is unemployed while teams in the lottery are salivating over 20-year-old undersized 2 guards like Eric Gordon would be mind-boggling if it weren't for the fact that the same teams are in the lottery every year and we have come to expect incompetence out of them.

So, keep your chin up, Gerald, but I wouldn't start looking at real estate in a lottery team's area, I'd make a hard sell in Phoenix. Methinks you are a tad better than Eric Piatkowski, DJ Strawberry, Arlando Tucker, and Gordon Giricek, and the Suns are a team that may actually be smart enough to give you a chance.

Celtics Slackin' As They Drop 2nd Straight To Philly

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF LEON POWE, CELTICS LOOKED LETHARGIC TONIGHT. SURE THE SIXERS DON'T COMPLETELY SUCK, BUT COME ON! AI AND CO PLAYED OUT OF THEIR MINDS, BUT THE REAL PROBLEM WAS THAT THE CELTICS JUST COULDN'T BE BOTHERED. SURE, THIS LOSS MEANS NOTHING, BUT IT IS ALWAYS EMBARRASSING TO LOSE TO MEDIOCRE TEAMS AT HOME.

MEET PJ BROWN

The Celtics signed him weeks ago, it's about time we gave him his due and wrote his I*Heart*Celtics profile.

Real Name: Not PJ. Call him Collier Brown, Jr. Where the "PJ" comes from, I don't know, but I can affirm that he's not named after Eddie Murphy's claymation show. He should be. I loved that show!

Other Famous PJ's: PJ Harvey, PJ O'Rourke, my NASA PJ's when I was a kid

Born In: America's city- Detroit! How the hell Detroit got to host the Super Bowl will vex me until the day I die. I think the only person that has loved life in Detroit was their mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, who was allegedly slipping it to his top aide... he was having a blast until he got charged with a felony. Buzzkill!

Birthday: October 14, 1969. Why does that date ring a bell? Why, because it's the same day the United Kingdom introduced the fifty-pence coin!
Looks Like:"Mars Attacks" alien.

FUN FACT! Favorite actor is Denzel Washington!

Grew up in: Louisiana.

College: Louisiana Tech. The list of alumni reveals that many of the most annoying people in the world came from this school. Karl "Whispering Gibberish at the Free Throw Line" Malone, Terry "Meth-addict Attention Span" Bradshaw, religious wackjob placekicker Matt Stover, and USC head coach who gives scholarships to Master P's kids/asswipe Tim Floyd. If it wasn't for Theresa Weatherspoon putting the WNBA on the map to stay with her persistent roof-raising, Louisiana Tech would have a sullied national reputation.

Drafted: 29th in the 1992 draft. (Hilarious/notable names in that year's draft that we mention all the damn time on this blog- Big Aristotle, TODD FREAKING DAY, half-assed former Celtic Tom Gooooooogliotta, Harold Miner, Doug Christie, Oliver Miller, Latrell, AND, last but not least, the Bat Boy himself, Popeye Jones.)

One more thing. Who was drafted 10th overall that year? You guessed it. Adam Keefe.

After being drafted by the Nets, PJ Played With: Panionios, in Greece.

Who were the stars of the Nets when he played with them: Derrick Coleman, Kenny Anderson, and Drazen Petrovic. I know, I know, I am forgetting someone... IHeartCeltics lifetime achievement award winner Dwayne Schintzius! Here's a quote from Wikipedia that I enjoyed:

The team struggled through the rest of the decade. During the mid-1990s the NBA's main image problem was that of the selfish, immature athlete and if one wanted to see a team that embodied that image, all one had to do was look at the Nets. In 1995, Coleman was featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated as the poster child of the selfish NBA player, but with Anderson, Benoit Benjamin, Dwayne Schintzius and Chris Morris also on the roster, there were plenty of candidates for SI to choose from. The team's image was so poor that in an effort to shed its losing image, management considered renaming the team "Swamp Dragons" in 1995, but rejected the idea. In both the 1994-95 and 1995-96 seasons, the Nets finished with identical 30-52 records.

What the f#$% is a Swamp Dragon!? Glad you asked. Apparently, they "are small, fly badly and tend to explode, due to the generation of various flammable gases in their internal plumbing" and have "corrosive saliva". Also, just so you know, "A male Swamp Dragon is called...a cock between eight and fourteen months, a snood between fourteen months and two years, and a cobb between two years and death."

The more you know. Of course, nothing helps a franchise's image more than slapping a "swamp dragon" logo on Derrick Coleman's chest! After 8 months, he would, officially, be a cock.

Back to PJ Brown!

Known for: Defense. Collier is a three-time NBA Defensive Second Team. He was one of the heavy-handed enforcers for the mind-numbingly awful Knicks-Heat rivalry. Remember, back in the day, when Pat Riley did everything in his power to destroy the game of basketball by walking the ball up the floor at all times, posting up Tim Hardaway ad nauseum, and fouling the ever-loving sh!t out of anyone that gets within 20 feet of the basket. Alonzo was the sheriff, and PJ was his loyal deputy. PJ is third among active players in fouls, and 51st alltime.

Biggest Controversy: PJ has won a sportsmanship award, in 2004, so he has a pretty squeaky clean image... so people think. I feel the need to remind everyone of those horrible, horrendous Heat-Knicks games once again. In 1997, during game 5 of the Eastern Conference semifinals, with the Heat down 3 games to 2, PJ bodyslammed the bajeezus out of Charlie Ward and incited a bench-clearing brawl. In David Stern's infinite wisdom, he suspended some of the Knicks for Game 6 and other for Game 7. Surprising no one, the Knicks lost both games and the series. I still think that PJ was ordered to start a fight, but that's mostly because I think Pat Riley's loose morals, ruthless desire to win, hatred for the Knicks organization, and hatred for the game of basketball in general gave him more than enough reasons to order the hit. Likewise, PJ Brown's otherwise calm demeanor yet lockstep loyalty to his franchise would make him the perfect man for the job. Of course, the strategy worked. The saddest part of this story is that David Stern still hasn't learned his lesson about suspending people for "leaving the bench area," perhaps the most useless and easily abused rule in the universe. Since this incident, PJ has won a bunch of sportsmanship awards in the NBA, which I didn't even knew existed until I underwent this exhaustive research project regarding the man.

HIS OFFENSIVE GAME: PJ Brown is the only member of the Celtics that will never have an explosive offensive performance under any circumstances. Let's put it this way- he averaged 10 points per game AT LOUISIANA TECH. I don't even know what conference they're in. He can hit the mid-range jumper, utilizing a Marcus Camby-esque release. If I ever see the Celtics run a play for him, I will immediately stick my head in the oven. He's a solid offensive player, but he's more in the "he won't screw up" category instead of the "you have to guard the crap out of this guy or he will murder you" category. That being said, he's one of the more useful players to have on the bench because he can do pretty much everything you need at a sufficient level.

SUMMARY:
PJ is a good dude that will do whatever you ask him to do. He will stick an elbow jumper, grab a tough rebound, or layeth the smacketh down. He's made $70 million dollars in the league and he knows how to run things.

SCALABRINE UNHARMED IN CHUCK E. CHEESE DEBACLE

CELTIC SUPERSTAR NOT PRESENT WHILE MANIAC RAN AROUND SPITTING ON PEOPLE WHILST SCREAMING "I HAVE HEPATITIS C"

MANHEIM TOWNSHIP, Pa. -- A man running around a Lancaster County Chuck E. Cheese restaurant on Thursday evening was spitting and yelling "I have hepatitis C," police said.

Early reports indicated that Celtic megastar Brian Scalabrine was present while this dude was running wild, but those reports have been proven to be false. Brian Scalabrine was not at Chuck E. Cheese at the time of the incident, he was on an epic Beef and Cheddar binge at an Arby's in Dallas at the time. These erroneous reports can probably be traced to the fact that if something really friggin' weird happens at a Chuck E. Cheese, 99.7% of the time it is Scalabrine related. In late October, Scalabrine was rumored to have descended upon the Leominster, MA Chuck E. Cheese while slobbering and screaming "I have hungry belly," which kind of sounds like, "I have hepetitis C", which in turn added to the confusion among early reports. These rumors were never independently verified.

Manheim Township police said they arrived at the Chuck E. Cheese of Fruitville Pike around 7:45 p.m. and found David Ecenrode, 45, of Ephrata outside the restaurant. He was taken to a local hospital. Police said they have not confirmed whether he has hepatitis C.

"He was running around acting crazy and spitting, which I think that was probably most significant cause for concern because you're in an eating establishment and this guy's spitting and then on top of that announcing that he has Hepatitis C," said Sgt. Tom Rudzinski.

Thankfully, no one was hurt. Scalabrine immediately ordered 5 Family Saver combos to show his solidarity with those effected.

CELTICS MESS WITH TEXAS; THEN MESS WITH TEXAS' SISTER, GIRLFRIEND, AND MOTHER

CELTICS SHOOT 34% BUT THAT'S ENOUGH TO BEAT AN OVERRATED WESTERN CONFERENCE TEAM; RAY ALLEN COMES BACK, HITS THE GAME WINNER; JKIDD IMMEDIATELY GOES TO MICKY D'S TO PICK A FIGHT OVER FRENCH FRIES

Unbelievable: Doc Rivers can hit the .500 mark as Celtics' Coach with a win tonight

How good has this season been for the C's? So good, that with a win tonight, Doc Rivers will be at .500 for his career as the Celtics' coach. Yes, the man who went 57-107 over the last two seasons is now 156-157 in Boston.

Bring it

The Celtics look to TKO the Texas Triangle tonight. Rondo's ready. Are you?

Notes on the Rockets Game

I just have to throw in some comments here:

1) The Rockets had won 22 games in a row, but had only sold out 8 straight games. You know a fanbase sucks when the team is in the middle of an exciting playoff run when they could be the 1 seed or out of the playoffs and the team can't even sell out. What the hell.

2) T-Mac's comment that the Celtics play the best defense he's ever seen was a great compliment. First of all, T-Mac himself is a very, very good defender. Second, he has been a one-man show practically his whole career and is used to seeing tight defense every night. Third, remember what he did to Bruce Bowen back in the day?



If you can play good defense, you can play with anybody. So, thanks Kevin Garnett for being such a maniac. You may throw the ball away in the closing seconds against the Spurs because you're such a spazz, but the Celtics are the best team in the league because of your defensive intensity.


3) I am going to say it loud and say it proud, the Western Conference is nowhere nearly as good as everyone says. Granted, the 8th seed in the West will have a 60% winning percentage whereas the 8th seed in the East will be under .500.... but the Rockets start Dikembe Mutumbo (who has been collecting social security for 3 years) and Skip 2 My Lou and they're battling for the top seed in the West. While the Celtics caught the Rockets on an off night, good teams don't get blown out at home.

The rest of the West is good, but all but two have a major flaw. The Suns can't guard ANYBODY and their offense looks terrible. The Spurs are old, have lost their swagger completely, and Tim Duncan is finally getting exposed for being the least clutch superstar since Karl Malone. The Mavs have taken a big step backwards with the Kidd trade. The Hornets have been spotty since the All-Star break... was it the Bonzi Wells trade that did it, or is it the fact that Byron Scott is an ignoramus that could be outcoached by Nic and Chap's dad any day of the damn week. The Golden State Warriors are dangerous when they're on, but they have some puzzling losses and are injury prone. (Plus, they are not nearly as funny as when they had Jason Richardson filling people's cars with popcorn.) Then, you have the Nuggets, who are barely in the conversation because they have exactly zero perimeter defense and they have passed the Nets for having the greatest percentage of douchebags on one team. (Hovering around 90%.)

I think the Jazz are a well-constituted team without glaring weaknesses (having addressed the weird lack of a three-point shooter but trading for chubby chaser Kyle Korver). Still, there are several teams that match up very favorably against them. The Lakers are obviously very good, but I'm not convinced that Andrew Bynum is going to be back full strength this year. Even if he is, there's always a rough patch when a starter comes back.

The fact of the matter is this- there is no team that the Celtics should fear. They match up well against everybody in the league, as proven by their stellar record against Western Conference opponents this year.

4) Paul Pierce is capable of picking up for Ray Allen when Jesus gets hurt. Since Jesus gets hurt all the time, this is very, very good for Paul's massive-ass ego. Plus, the coaching staff has done a much better job at managing minutes in the second half of the season, and even (gasp!) lets starters take their time to heal. Remember when Wally was playing 40 minutes a night for a horrible team with ankles held together with sticky tack? That's SO last year.

5) The Celtics bench is the best in the league. I don't care what anybody says. Every player that gets minutes, with the exception of PJ Brown, can catch fire on any given night. Last night, the Celtics got 21 points from Powe and 10 rebounds from Posey. On another night, those numbers will come from completely different players. Case in point, Cassell went bananas against the Spurs while didn't do anything but turn the ball over last night, whereas Powe didn't even play against the Spurs and went apesh!t against the Rockets. If there's another team like that in the league right now, I don't know who it is. Additionally...

6) Doc appears to have FINALLY learned to play the guys that are getting the job done instead of consulting the magic 8 ball, astrologists, and Ouija boards the night before the game. I never thought I would say this, and it may come back to haunt me... but Doc has learned how to manage a game! The fact that he hasn't screwed things up makes him deserving of Coach of the Year, and I am saying that with very little sarcasm.

UP NEXT: Dallas Mavericks and our old nemesis, Jason Kidd. The team has hired Morgan Spurlock to convince Big Baby and Scalabrine to stay the hell away from McDonald's french fries just for two days in case Jason Kidd is around. However, the smart money is on one of the two tubby Celtics to show up with a black eye.

Celtics Stop Streaking Rockets

BACK TO BACK WINS AGAINST SAN ANTONIO AND HOUSTON. COULD THE CELTICS SWEEP THE TEXAS TRIANGLE? HAS THAT EVER HAPPENED BEFORE ?

DIKEMBE'S DRAFT CLASS OF 1991: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

The Celtics play the Rockets tonight, and I must remind you that their starting center, Dikembe Mutumbo, is an old-ass dude. Back when he was drafted out of Georgetown, his home country was still called Zaire. His rookie year was 1991- back during the first Gulf War was a-goin' on, when the Super Nintendo was coming out, Bill Clinton was announcing he was running for president, and when Anita Hill was arguing with Clarence Thomas' about pubic hairs on sodas. Dikembe was taken with the fourth pick out of Georgetown in 1991- here is what other people in his draft class are doing today.

Larry Johnson (1st pick)- After his Grandma-ma days ended in the mid-90's, Johnson became a plodding pre-Antoine Walker chucker from the outside. He had some great games, he banked in three pointers, he converted outrageously called four-point plays, he called the Knicks a team of "rebellious slaves", he made that annoying LJ arm symbol again and again at the weirdest possible moments, and Bill Walton once said that his play was a "disgrace to the game of basketball." Johnson contemplated a comeback with (who else!?) the Knicks in a "leadership role" in 2007, but the Knicks decided that they were too happy with the inspired play of Quentin Richardson to make room for him.

Kenny Anderson (2nd pick)- We love him for what he did for the Celtics, he last played in 2005, and these days he is coaching for the Atlanta Krunk. Awesome. He is also known for giving an assload of his assets to the Real World castmember he married and raising a daughter named Christenese that he had with DJ Spinderella from Salt 'n Peppa.

Billy Owens (3rd pick)- Never lived up to expectations, but his Wikipedia page goes far beyond my wildest expectations with this nugget about his current activities: "He currently resides in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania and has three children, 5'10", 12 year old Billie, 4'6", 7 year old Chaz and his twin sister, 4'5" skyla. He is married to Nicole Owens." Whoever tracked down the height of each of Billy Owens' children, I salute you.

Steve Smith (5th pick)- Perhaps the greatest NBA Player of All Time That Ran With a Limp, this knock-kneed three point threat hobbled around the court as if he got rapped in the knees by Tonya Harding's boyfriend every morning. Regardless, he had a stellar NBA career and after retiring in 2005, he has worked as an announcer for the Hawks and has also recently gave $2.5 million to his alma mater, Michigan State, who immediately took the money and stuffed it into the backseat of a Hummer they were giving to a five-star recruit.

Doug Smith (6th pick)- Bill Walton said that he was going to be the "next Karl Malone," but this former Celtic only averaged 8ppg until he was out of the league in 1999. I would have more information on him, but Doug Smith happens to be the most generic name of all time making him impossible to Google. I do know that he has played professionally in Canada as recently as 2005.

Luc Longley(7th pick)- Most well known for getting stung by scorpions while sorting his CD collection, Longley has been out of the league since 2001.

Stacey Augmon (9th pick)- Amazingly, this mediocre player played in the NBA as recently as 2007, when he was waived by the Nuggets. "The Plastic Man" had an incredible amount of hype when Bill Walton proclaimed on draft night, "Russell begat Kareem, Kareem begat Magic, and so Magic has begat the Plastic Man." Unfortunately, Augmon never lived up to his nickname, but he did have a decent career and also managed to name one of his kids "Justice."

Brian Williams (10th pick)- Brian Williams used to hang out with Billy Corgan, who said that Williams was a terrible, terrible singer in what amounts to be one of the strangest insults of all time. Williams changed his name to Bison Dele, retired in 2000 while leaving over $30 million at the table, and was allegedly murdered at sea by his psychotic con artist brother in 2002.

Stanley Roberts (23rd pick)- This dude was kicked out of the league for drugs in 1999. Lord knows what he's been up to since then.

Rick Fox (24th pick)- This Canadian, ADD-riddled, sex addict sissypants is best known for getting into slap fights with Doug Christie and his psychotic wife. He is also known for banging strangers, spending 2 1/2 hours on his hair every morning, and general douchebaggery.

Randy Brown (31st pick)- This former Celtic was best known for being a spazzoid during MJ's second three-peat and being the star player on one of the most horrific teams of all time (the post-lockout Bulls), but now he's an assistant coach for the Sacramento Kings.

Doug Overton (40th pick)- this former Celtic is now an assistant coach at Delonte West's alma mater (though I doubt Delonte graduated), St. Joseph's in Philly.

Richard Dumas (46th pick)- Got off to a strong start in the NBA by getting suspended for his first season for drug abuse. It didn't get much better from there, but he continued an overseas and USBL career until 2003.

Ike Austin (48th pick)- After coming back from a very successful tenure in Turkey, Austin won the Most Improved Player in 1997. He was then signed to an outrageously ridiculous contract by the Orlando Magic and promptly sucked for the rest of his career. Last we heard he was coaching for the Utah Snowbears in the ABA.

Zan Tabak (51st pick)- It is difficult to differentiate between tall, pasty, uncoordinated, foreign-sounding white clompers that played for the Celtics in the 1990's. Zan Tabak was one of them, and he actually kept playing long after his Celtic days of running around aimlessly like a wind-up toy. He won a Spanish league championship in 2005 and has been working as an international scout for the Knicks. Whatever they are paying him, it's not enough!

WE UNDERESTIMATED THE SNEAKINESS

WITH RAY ALLEN OUT, OLD MAN CASSELL USES ABOUT 50 OLD MAN TRICKS; DRAINS GAME-WINNING THREE POINTER TO BEAT THE SPURS IN SAN ANTONIO

ITS ST. PATRICK'S DAY AND LUCKY's HAMMERED

CELTICS THROW-DOWN IN SAN ANTONIO TONIGHT @ 8:30. PUT ON YOUR GREEN SWEATER, GRAB A GUINNESS, AND GET READY TO SCREAM OBSENITIES AT MASTER BRUCE.

KISS ME, IM IRISH.

If it wasn't for the unlimited supply of 'Milwaukee's Best' In Milwaukee, the Bucks would be pretty depressed right now.

CELTICS WALLOP BUCKS 99-77. WITH RAY RAY OUT SAM CASSELL FINALLY GETS INTO THE ACTION DROPPING A TEN-SPOT AGAINST HIS OLD TEAM. EVEN SCAL RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO PLAY A FEW MINUTES.

AH TO HAVE A TERRIBLE FRANCHISE. CELTICS FANS CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH MILWAUKEE. I KNOW I STILL HAVE MY 2006 CELTICS PAPER BAG.

Jazz End Win Streak; Celtics Look Pissed.

The Celtics 10-game win streak came to a sudden halt last night at the hands of the Utah Jazz: 110- 92. Pierce and Garnett had rough games and Ray Allen missed most of the night with a tweaked ankle. With the Celtics on the ropes Deron Williams dominated dropping 32 points and 8 assists.

The Celtics won't win every game, and even with the Jazz playing perfect basketball, Perk and Rondo kept the Celtics in this game all night. No biggie, the Celts will definently bounce back. They all seemed pretty unhappy with the way they played, especially Perk. If the game had lasted 5 minutes longer he probably would have killed somebody. While I dont condone his "George the Animal steel-esque eye-rake" to Deron WIlliams in the fourth quarter, its been fun watching Perk morph into a total bad-ass. Celtics will take their wrath out on the Bucks tonight.

DAVID STERN FINALLY LISTENS TO I HEART CELTICS, SUSPENDS MASTER DOUCHE FOR ONE GAME

BOWEN HAD 500 CONSECUTIVE GAME STREAK GOING DESPITE TRYING TO INJURE SOMEBODY EVERY NIGHT

Who Wants Fat Chicks?

Kyle Korver does. And we can only assume the rest of the Utah Jazz do as well. Unfortunately for Korver, the only wave he'll be riding tonight is an 11 game winstreak (snap).

We all know the Jazz are tough, so they should offer a nice change of pace after blowouts against Seattle and Philly. We also know that the Jazz only win in Utah, and tonight they find themselves a long way from home. With the Garden a rockin', the Jazz should be a Suckin'. The Celtics have been in cruise control for the last couple of weeks so expect the big 3 to be jumpin out of their skin.


Game Notes: The Jazz are a very physical team. Jerry Sloan is a douche. This game will be heated. Perk v. Boozer be worth at least a couple of technicals.

Look for Cassel to get a little more action today. One of the reasons they brought him in was to keep bigger guards like Deron Williams in check.


Did anyone catch Perk at Filenes Basement last night from 5-6 in the back bay? Heard it was off the hook.

Matt Harpring's favorite book is the Davincci Code.


Game Prediction: Celtiics-98 Jazz 85. Luckily for Korver there are plenty of robust women in Boston to offer condolence.

MASTER BRUCE IS A MASTER DOUCHEBAG

The NBA's resident cheap shot artist has struck again. Watch him kick Chris Paul in the ribs twice with his hands up in the air. Master Bruce has made his career on being the only guy willing to knee people in the junk, kick people in the back, deliberately break people's ankles, undercut people while they're fully extended, and, of course, kick people in the face.

Bruce Bowen is a menace that needs to be suspended whenever he tries to pull these kinds of shenanigans. While the NBA goes friggin' bananas if somebody leaves the bench or throws a punch, they don't do a thing as Bruce Bowen methodically carries out his diabolical plan to injure his opponents. Master Bruce has no concept of fair play, good sportsmanship, and common decency. There are crimes of passion (fighting, everyone does it) and then there are crimes of a cold-blooded sociopath (Bruce Bowening, only Bruce Bowen does it).

Based on his behavior on the court, we can only assume that Bowen's off-court behavior includes: giving only backhanded compliments, saying sarcastic things to small children, not tipping, parking in handicap spots, talking really loud on his cellphone in the library, having bad breath and being a close talker, driving slow in the fast lane, paying for everything in pennies and nickels, blasting the heat while leaving his windows open, not stopping for pedestrians in the crosswalk, peeing all over the toilet seat, discussing religion and politics at work, eating veal, moonlighting as a phone solicitor that calls during dinner and pronounces your name wrong, not covering his mouth when he coughs or sneezes, calling the cops whenever he sees a teenager unchaperoned, farting at the dinner table, and driving an Isuzu Amigo.

Celtics Put Sonics to Bed: 111-82

Ironically, I think I'm getting sick of the Celtics blowing out horrible teams. The last couple games have lasted approximately 12 minutes each. You could be taking a poo and by the time you get out, the Celtics are up by 20 and the game is over. This was especially painful tonight. Watching the Sonics fight a 20-point deficit is like watching Ben Wallace do Sudoku. The bigger picture however is that Celtics breezed to their 10th win in a row giving the starters plenty of rest, and the bench valuable experience. Sam Cassel looked much more comfortable tonight chipping in with 6 points and a couple of assists.

Seattle's mediocrity has been well documented in recent weeks. As the front office prepares for the team's move to Oklahoma City, Sonics fans can now look forward to a team strategy of not giving two craps and letting Kevin Durant do whatever the hell he wants for the next few seasons. Personally, at this point Id rather watch the Storm.


Player of the game: Who cares, the Sonics blow.

Worst Glasses: PJ Caralisamo. Strange that an NBA head coach making mad bling continues to buy his glasses from 1987.

Tommy Quote of the Night: "Forgedaboutit!"

Most Likely to Win Rookie of the Year, Soely Because Their Team Sucks and They Get to Take 73% of the Teams Shots: Kevin Durant.

Ugliest Man Ever Created: Robert "Game-lar" Swift.

Up Next: Friday against the Jazz. Finally a formidable opponent. Thank god for teams that dont suck.

Which One's the Sasquatch?

The Carnage Continues As Celtics Dominate Philly

That walking pile of pubes "Squatch" (Sonic's mascot) better watch his back as tonight Seattle finds themselves in the path destruction that is the Celtics' 9 game win-streak.

CELTICS WIN AGAIN

PERKINS ALWAYS GOES BANANAS IN SIXERS GAMES FOR SOME REASON- THIS ONE IS NO DIFFERENT (6 BLOCKS); BIG BABY ON TRACK TO JOIN CELTICS CLOMPER HALL OF FAME WITH THAT PICTURE; CELTICS BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THE SEVENTH SEED(!) IN EASTERN CONFERENCE; CASSELL LOOKS LIKE GARBAGE THAT DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP

CASSELL COMES BURSTING OUT OF SCALABRINE'S CHEST AT WHILE HE DINES AT CHUCK-O-RAMA

SCALABRINE DEACTIVATED- CASSELL WILL PLAY TONIGHT- IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR VEAL IN BOSTON?

GERALD GREEN IS UNEMPLOYED

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?

Gerald Green, who three years ago appeared to be the biggest steal in Celtics draft history, has now been waived by the Houston Rockets. This guy had his own shoe last year!! The Kedrick Brown/Gerald Green comparison that we all hated and hoped wouldn't be true is now almost complete. Here are Kedrick's numbers- two years with the Celtics, 2.5 ppg, traded to the Cavs during his third year, then chilled on the Sixers' bench for one more season before leaving the league. As for Gerald, he has done better- he averaged 10ppg during his sophomore season even- but he also lasted two years in Boston before getting traded to a bottom feeder for half a season and then getting waived. Both were high flying, low intelligence "projects" in a league where 2-3 seasons is enough time for people to determine whether you will be a legit pro or just a perennial project. But come on, Gerald is 22 years old and he's actually demonstrated that he can play... just not defense. Well, he doesn't really do plays, either...

Regardless, I don't think that this is the end of the NBA road for Gerald. He wasn't in an ideal space in Houston, no matter how close to home it is. The Rockets are playing great right now and they want to win a championship this year. They need a big man to help shore up the front line in the absence of Yao Ming, they don't need Gerald practicing dunks in his socks during practice. But, Gerald is an excellent scorer and he can shoot, so you'd hope somebody like Golden State or Phoenix will pick him up. If not, he'll just get paid mad cash to play overseas. We suggest Israel, because he's used to wear his headband like a yarmulke.

CELTICS BEAT THE SH*T-CAKES OUT OF ANOTHER CRAPPY TEAM.

Sorry kiddies, that bear ain't napping. While the Celtics have had their share of blow-outs recently, the Grizzlies barely lasted 5 minutes before they were blown. There's not much to say about this one. It was over before it started and the Grizzlies are a poor excuse for a bad basketball team. Rudy Gay has improved a lot this year, but since he's a robot incapable of showing human emotion, he seems destined to become the next Shariff-Abdul-Rahim. Mike Miller's hair is uglier than Scal's lack-there-of. Whether he's wearing a clown-wig, or a Grizzlies jersey, Darko will is just pure human embarrassment. Then there is Grizzlies' GM Chris (ugggh) Wallace. Greg Dickerson interviewed him in the second half. Wallace's appearance resembles what I would imagine a WIlly Wonka, Harry Caray love child would look like. He looks like a moron, he talks like a moron, and he sure as hell does his job like a moron. It was nauseating to hear Dickerson suck up to the former Celtics GM, admiring his boldness in the Gasol trade and dancing around the blatant stupidity of it.


MVP: Really makes no difference, but Posey had a great night off the bench with 15 points.

LVP: Mike Gorman for actually having the nerve to say on air, that based on his time with the Celtics, it was clear that Wallace had a great basketball IQ. He might as well have taken a dump on the Garden parkay.

Worst Suit: Surprise, Chris Wallace. As eluded to before, he clearly found it buried in the back of Gene Wilder's closet.

The Sucking of the Bulls

CELTICS SKEWER BULLS: BULLS PLAY SO BAD YOU WOULD THINK ISIAH THOMAS WAS RUNNING THEIR TEAM, PERK CONTINUES HIS DOMINATION ON THE LEAGUE, NAKED-MOLE RAT SCAMPERS ONTO COURT DURING THE 4TH QUARTER WEARING A SCALABRINE JERSEY.

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT(?)

THIS IS THE MOST AWKWARD PHOTO EVER, BUT CELTICS DO EVERYTHING ELSE RIGHT IN DOMINATING WIN OVER THE TECHNICAL FOUL-PRONE BULLS; THIS IS THEIR 10th HOME VICTORY IN A ROW; EVEN BP IS STRUGGLING TO FIND SOMETHING TO BITCH ABOUT AT THIS POINT; BIG BABY SMASHING INTO COURTSIDE CHAIRS IN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF THE BLOWOUT VICTORY WILL BE TOUGH TO TOP FOR MOST HILARIOUS MOMENT OF THE YEAR

How to Stop a Piston.

This might be a stretch, but after Perk's 20 boards, KG's 31 points, and Rondo's Jason Maxiell facial, something had to be slaughtered.

Garnett Gets Rim

An article from The Onion today about the Celtics. Kinda dumb, but does contain the following awesome passage:

Celtics guards Ray Allen and Paul Pierce said that when Garnett told his fellow teammates in January that he could get rim on a 10-foot hoop, both responded, "Yeah, right" and "No way." The pair also responded "Okay, sure" and "Yeah, and?" to Garnett's claim of hitting rim at the hoop at his house, citing as general knowledge that Garnett's home basket easily stands less than 10 feet and that his driveway is inclined just enough to give him an unfair advantage.

"If Kevin had said he could get rim on a nine-foot hoop, I probably wouldn't have questioned it," said Pierce, who noted that Garnett, Allen, and himself get together Saturday afternoons, lower Pierce's backyard hoop to seven feet, and have dunk contests. "But 10 [feet]? That's really really high. Kevin's a good basketball player and all, but he's no Michael Jordan."

Well done.

Rondo's Dunk on the Mask

Rondo to Rip- "Eat sh!t."
Rondo to Cassell- "This is my job, you bug-eyed freak."

Piston Failure! Perk, Celtics smack around whiniest team in the league

I'm no grease monkey, but both of the pictures above show what busted pistons look like.

Perk grabbed 20 rebounds. Garnett had 31 points. Ray Allen elbowed Rip Hamilton in the jugular. A true team effort. Celtics win 90-78. It was a great win - especially considering the way the Celts played down the stretch. They made less mistakes, took better shots, and played better defense than the Pistons.

CELTICS VS. PISTONS

GHOST OF DARKO WEARING A CLOWN WIG CONTINUES TO HAUNT TEAM FROM WORST CITY IN AMERICA... PISTONS COULD HAVE DRAFTED PERKINS BUT INSTEAD TOOK A SKINNY-ASS DO-NOTHING AND PERK SWORE TO ONE DAY DESTROY THE FRANCHISE THAT SPURNED HIM

The Celtics will face off against the reigning douchebags in the Eastern Conference, the Detroit Pistons, Wednesday night. Pistons fans are putting off their usual nightly activity- robbing people at knifepoint- just to watch the game. Unfortunately for them, the game will be played in Boston so they can't throw stuff at the players and embarrass the living hell out of the league again.

While the Celtics will be without newly signed Sam Cassell, it's all even because the Pistons probably won't suit up newly exhumed Theo Ratliff. The fact that Theo Ratliff still plays basketball was news to many, but remember that this is the team that took some weirdo from Europe over Melo, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, and about 35 other much better players.... then tried to argue that it was a good move even when they traded him for Kelvin Cato. The Kelvin Cato era was slightly less productive than the Darko era- he played in 4 games for the Pistons. But, the gaping whole he left behind has been filled by Theo Ratliff, who has been healthy enough this season to play in 20% of his team's games this year, which means he is the healthiest he has been since Allen Iverson first put the cornrows in. So, look out, world! Some would say that Ratliff is a risk because his spinal column is held together with scotch tape, Elmer's glue, and thumb tacks, but then again, the Pistons had the wisdom and foresight to sign Nazr Mohammed to a five year deal so you just have to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Here's my prediction for this game: Rondo plays like a maniac because he knows that no matter what anyone tells Shira Springer or those pansies at Celticsblog- Sam Cassell is gunning for his job. Chauncey's enormous 85-pound head is going to be spinning as Rondo blows by him time after time. This game is going to have playoff intensity, and I see the Celtics pulling it out in a close one. The Pistons are a very good team that plays every high-level opponent very tough, so the C's have to stay vigilant right until the final horn. Oh, and Doc? If the Pistons hold for the last shot, HAVE SOMEBODY GUARD RIP HAMILTON!!! That still pisses me off. Just thinking of that debacle makes me inclined to change my prediction

CELTICS 94, PISTONS 88

It's About Time for a Podcast, No!?

We love to do them, and we know millions of listeners would be pissed if we didn't, and we have to talk about the two aliens the Celtics signed for the stretch run. Here's the link!

Mothers, Lock Up Your Daughters: Cassell Signs With Celtics

A free agent begging to be bought out to join the Celtics? I never thought I would write those words in my lifetime.

Say what you want about what he does to the average age of the Celtics, Rondo's confidence, or his well-documented resemblance to an extra-terrestrial: Sam Cassell is a Celtic, and I am glad.

No longer will I need watch through my trembling fingers Eddie House handle the ball, dribbling back and forth aimlessly near the half court line until the shot clock is down to 6 before jacking up a three (which usually goes in, but still). No longer will Gabe Pruitt be our second best ball-handler.

Cassell can dribble, pass, and score. Although I'm still a bit pissed after his flagrant foul on Rondo (who without a doubt is I Heart Celtics' consensus favorite Celtic), this is a good addition for this team, and a steal for the money.