LET THE KOBE-BASHING BEGIN

THE BOSTON CELTICS ARE IN THE NBA FINALS!!!!!

The Boston Celtics played like NBA Champions for the first time in the playoffs, dominating the fourth quarter on the road to turn a 10-point deficit (with KG in foul trouble and Billups/Hamilton on fire, as well) into an 8-point victory. The Pistons had more turnovers in the fourth than they had field goals because the Celtics were flying all over the place. Perk had a huge block. Pose went ninja to steal the ball from Prince. The Celtics weren't giving up any offensive rebounds. Pierce was calm and collected as he led HIS team (it is still HIS TEAM, dammit) down the stretch. Rondo hit a corner pocket 20-footer in crunch time to push the Celtics lead to 7.

Bill Simmons wrote a piece of crap article today about how the Lakers are unbeatable. The Lakers ripped through the West. Good for them. THE CELTICS DOMINATED THE WESTERN CONFERENCE THIS SEASON, BITCHES! I also remember two curbstompings of those nancy boys in yellow courtesy of the men in green. Pierce always steps up in LA, and Lamar Odom is the third best player on the Lakers. LAMAR ODOM. See the clips below:







Um......... I like our chances.

The Celtics have a great chance in this series, but if you listen to the experts you'd think otherwise. Remember, though, they said the Celtics wouldn't beat the Cavs, they said the Celtics wouldn't beat the Pistons, and they got the job done. They said that the Celtics didn't have the playoff experience to get it done. They did both awkwardly at times, but they did it, JUST LIKE THE PATS USED TO DO!

It's so satisfying to have this team in the finals. Great job, top to bottom, I love these fine men.

GAME SIX

Physicality! Yeah.

Perkalicious

Thus far the Celtics have played like cow-turds this playoffs. As a result of their mediocrity Celtics fans have been desperately seeking a scapegoat. Blaming Doc is too trendy these days, Rondo is too cute to be mad at, and blaming Ray Allen is just depressing, . This means that every-time the Celtics sputter, Perk gets dragged under the bus. That was until last night when Perk dominated the game throwing down 18 points 16 rebounds. Perks critics have been silenced for the time being, but just in case all the haters ( like that wanker BP) aren't convinced, I'm going to clarify some anti-Perkins propaganda that has been floating out there.

1. "He often disappears in games." - Perk doesn't disappear IN games, he disappears FROM games. The reason? Because Doc shows no confidence in Perk, rarely giving him extended playing time outside the first quarter. Its hard to stay engaged in a game when your sitting on the bench. If you look at Perks numbers per 48 minutes, they rival even the "Big Ticket."

2."Perk has oven-mitts for hands." The biggest myth about Kendrick Perkins is that he has no hands, cannot handle passes, brings the ball down, and has no post game. Anyone who says that has clearly not watched a Celtics game this year. Perk is a different man. He has developed a solid low-post game with a soft-baby hook and powerful attacks to the basket. Where he used to bring the ball down and miss layups, now he simply dunks the ball. Perks greatest asset in the post is that he plays within himself. He doesn't force his low-post game. There's a reason he had the highest Celtics field-goal percentage of all time.

3. "Perk does nothing but foul." Another lie. When someone says Perk does nothing but foul what they really mean is that they are too stupid to recognize anything Perk does except the fouls. Perk is a roll player. It is not his job to score. His job is to get rebounds, get garbage baskets, and defend the basket. He does those things to perfection, and while they don't always show up in the box score, they show up in the wins column. Yes, Perk gets a lot of fouls, but keep in mind he is still young, and that every ref hates him.

4. "Leon Powe is better." Leon Powe is awesome, but whether Powe is better or worse than Perk is irrelevant. What is important is how P.J. Brown, not Perk is eating all of Powe's minutes. P.J. is a steady veteran who is reliable and makes few mistakes. He also makes few big plays. Perk showed he can put the team on his shoulders and Leon has that same explosiveness. Why hasn't Powe seen a minute of PT in the Pistons series? Ask the Doc.

5."Perk sucks." No, you suck. Perk is only 23 years old, and is getting the first consistent playing time of his career. If you consider how much Perkins has improved since last year, Celtics fans should be praising the beast, not ripping him.

Perk will never be Bill Russel, but for a 23 year old roll-player to score 18 and 16 on limited playing time is pretty damn' good. You want to throw someone under the bus, talk to the coach, biotch.

Congrats to our friends at Perkisabeast for Perks awesome performance and Donny Marshall's shout out to them on the Celtics half-time report on CSN.

RE-ENTER THE SCAL

TONY ALLEN TWEAKS ANKLE IN PICKUP GAME; SCAL HAS BEEN ACTIVATED; TACO BELLS IN MICHIGAN TREMBLE IN FEAR

He's back, homies and homegirls! Although our favorite tubby ginger has made cameo appearances on the sidelines during the playoffs- most notably rocking the business casual suit and defusing a gang war between the Crip-killa sign flashing Paul Pierce and Atlanta Hawks- now he's back in uniform and ready to rock & roll. He's going to rock some of the finer fast food establishments while wearing his Celtics jersey and then have Brian Doo softly roll his fat ass to the sideline to watch the game. If the Celtics need a quick dose of the Scalabrine Effect, and Lord knows they did in Game 5, he'll be ready.

Good to have you back, buddy, and our best wishes to Tony Allen for a speedy recovery.

WHAT THE F WAS THAT...?!?!? CELTICS WIN OUTRAGEOUS GAME

THANKS MOSTLY TO PERK, CELTICS UP 3-2 DESPITE BLOWING 17-POINT LEAD

Kendrick Perkins made me look like a horse's ass this evening. After calling him out for crappy performances (which I believe were justified considering PJ Brown was taking all his minutes), Perk went friggin' bananas in Game 5. I don't know if he reads this blog, but he played as if he did and took everything I wrote really, really personally. Good! He had a double double in the first half, and in the fourth quarter he was outrebounding the Pistons, for the game, BY HIMSELF. Nutty. The best play though, was watching Perk basically try to take the ball coast to coast and almost pulled it off despite the fact that his sprinting speed is 3 mph. I kept asking myself while watching... is this Perk? Does he ever play like this? The answer is- not until last night, baby! It was the best game of Perk's career, and the Celtics needed every point and every rebound out of him tonight. Give him the MVP, he earned it.

But please, please, I beg of you. Give credit to Kevin Garnett, who was lights out shooting (11-17 FGs. 8-10 FTS). He was dropping in long jumpers as the shot clock expired and even drilled a bank shot three. Popeye Jones immediately filed a copyright infringement suit against KG but it was immediately thrown out because Popeye's patented move wasn't the bank shot three but the turnaround brick off the SIDE of the backboard after the play was over. So, if you happen to do that in a pickup game you owe 'ol Popeye five bucks.

But back to the matter at hand, KG was huge down the stretch (mostly from the line), once again showing that all the "KG isn't clutch" talk is uttered by morons that think that the only stat that matters is PPG. He drained the two free throws to seal the game for the Celtics tonight. Bill Simmons is a moron who couldn't hit two straight free throws if he had all day. Not to be outdone, Ray Allen who apparently decides at random when he will play like an All-Star, because he was stroking the three like this. He also had some clutch free throws. As spotty as the Celtics' point guard play is down the stretch of these close games, their free throw shooting is MONEY (other than from the point guard position, yikes...).

Still, Rasheed Wallace made something like 10 threes and nobody on the Celtics can guard Rip (not even Posey!), so it was STESSFUL in the fourth. At the start of the quarter, the C's decided that every shot should be a 3 with 15 seconds left on the shot clock. Of course, Doc let this go on like a bumbling idiot until the Pistons cut the lead down to 4. 17 points down to 4. Thankfully, because Rasheed Wallace is a psychopath he got a technical foul that stopped the Pistons' momentum and the Celtics were able to hold on despite Rondo throwing the ball around like it was the And 1 tour. He had only 1 turnover in this game which blows my mind because he was incredibly loose with the ball. He could have had 10 turnovers. I love Rondo but his low turnover total was ALL LUCK tonight.

Down the stretch, the Pistons were surging hard and the Celtics were barely holding on. The Celtics' strategy was to barely get the ball inbounds, have Rondo barely get the ball over halfcourt, have Rondo lob a pass into traffic and pray that someone got fouled. Somehow it worked. The Pistons could have won the game. They had all the momentum in the fourth. They had the 17-point lead trimmed down to 1 with the Celtics throwing the ball all over the place. But, thank the basketball gods, the Celtics were able to do just enough to pull it out. This game was over 3 hours long and it didn't even go into overtime.

Alright, it's way past my bedtime and I am in a full sweat. The playoffs are fun but for this reason they suck. Peace out, go Celtics!

Celtics Win Road Game; Detroit is Screwed.

After taking both Atlanta and Cleveland to 7 games and failing to win a single road game, everyone began to doubt the Celtics as legitimate contenders. As a result, when Detroit stole game 2 in Boston after shooting their brains out, everyone in the world thgought the Celtics were finished. What people failed to consider was that Boston had reached rock bottom while still winning. They are the best team in basketball, and sooner or later they were going to win some road games. People were looking at the Celtics thinking " man, they suck, they can't win a road game". They should have been thinking "man, as soon as Boston wins a road game, everyone else is f#cked." Well consider Detroit f%#cked. The Celtics not only beat Detroit on their home court, but they beat them badly. They now have all the momentum in the world going into game 4, putting Detroit in a must-win situation, because you know they aren't losing two straight in Boston.


While I am happy for the Celtics, most of my joy stems from the fact that I no longer have to here the idiots in the media babble about how great the Pistons are. The Pistons suck and here's why:


Everyone thinks the Pistons are the quintessential veteran ball club. They talk about them like they are the Spurs. Hardly. They are mediocre at best. Just because they have made it to the conference finals in the East 6 straight years, doesn't mean they are good. The East sucks. Since they won in 2004, they have choked almost every time and get worse every single year. The 2004 team had Ben Wallace in his prime, a deep bench consisting of Lindsay Hunter in his prime and the big Nasty Corlless Williamson. Oh, they also had Larry Brown at the helm, only one of the greatest coaches ever. Today's version of the Pistons is hevily watered down. Their bench is shallow. Flip couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag. Sheed is older than he used to be and Chauncy is banged up. The fact the Celtics have been treated as under dogs in this series is a joke. The Celtics Spanked them during the regular season, and they are spanking them in the playoffs. The only reason the Pistons won in game 2 was because they played perfect. The Pistons are washed up.


Now that the Celtics have the road-monkey off their back, I see them seizing control over this series and taking the Pistons out in 5 or 6 games. Tonight, the PIstons should bounce back, but don't count on it being enough to win. The Celtics have hit their stride at exactly the right time. Since the Pistons are the streakiest, most lethargic team in the league, they are more likely that they implode than win. Celtics are winning and I garen-sheed you that.

Happy Easter! Despite Celtics Loss, Jesus Shuttleworth Rises From Dead To Score 25 Points; Pistons Are Screwed in Game 3.

SPEAKING OF THE DEAD; DID I SEE TONY ALLEN IN A PLAYOFF GAME? NOW THAT CELTICS HAVE HOME LOSS OFF THEIR BACK, THEY CAN FOCUS ON WINNING ONE ON THE ROAD. THIS PISTONS ARE STREAKIER THAN SCALS UNDIES. THIS SERIES IS FAR FORM OVER. DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK ITS WEIRD THAT EDDIE HOUSE'S KID IS RUNNING AROUND THE BENCH? EDDIE BETTER HOPE THE GIANTS 3rd BASE COACH ATTENDS CELTICS GAMES.

DISTRAUGHT

CELTS LOSE FIRST HOME GAME OF PLAYOFFS TO EVEN SERIES AT 1-1; NOW ARE FORCED TO WIN IT ON THE ROAD

CELTICS COME CHARGING BACK FROM 11 POINTS DOWN BUT DEFENSIVE AND REBOUNDING LAPSES SEAL THEIR FATE (THAT REVERSE LAYUP OFF OF AN INBOUNDS PLAY WITH THREE SECONDS ON THE SHOT CLOCK WAS THE WORST ONE....) RELENTLESS COMEBACK SHOULD HAVE CARRIED THEM TO VICTORY

BUT, SILVER LINING, RAY ALLEN IS BACK, CELTICS TOOK THE PISTONS' BEST SHOT AND ALMOST PULLED IT OUT, I*HEART*CELTICS STILL FIRMLY BELIEVES THAT THE CELTICS CAN/WILL WIN THIS SERIES

GAME 2

PIERCE'S LIMBS MIGHT GO IN ALL DIRECTIONS AT THE SAME TIME BUT HE'S GOT HIS EYES ON THE PRIZES BITCHES!!!!

GAME ONE FOR THE CELTICS

CELTICS GET BIG NIGHTS FROM PIERCE AND KG; RONDO OUTPLAYS THE CLEARLY HOBBLED BILLUPS; AFTER A CLOSE CALL, CELTICS PLAY SOLID DOWN THE STRETCH; DEFINITELY CAPABLE OF PLAYING A LOT BETTER AS A TEAM BUT STILL WIN BY 9 (IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE)

At least Doc Rivers isn’t this Guy!

I am sick and tired of everyone ripping on the Celtics. Writers, commentators and casual fans need to stop making definitively negative statements about this team. They have a clean slate in a new series against an old fartsy pants team that hasn’t won this round of the playoffs since 2005.

Just this morning, I read an article not giving the Celtics a chance in this series. I don’t know how many times the media can bash Ray Allen. Yes, he’s been playing terribly, get over it. Everybody keeps harping on the fact that he hasn’t been the same Ray Allen from the regular season. HE’S JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH, back off! The situation with Allen is a simple one. Let him play, he really can only get better. Worse case scenario, he remains playing like Ben Savage played against Shawn Hunter. If the latter is the case, you still have options. Put Pierce as the two and Posey as the 3 or start working the bench. This leads me to my next point.

Why does everybody hate the Celtics bench? Nathaniel Friedman, from SportingNews.com wrote, “Jason Maxiel can eat Leon Powe or Glen Davis alive, and Rodney Stuckey could start on the Celtics.” This is such a ludicrous statement. Jason Maxiel has averaged 5 points and 5 rebounds in about 26 minutes per game throughout these playoffs. Leon Powe and Glen Davis couldn’t do that if they played 26 minutes? Powe and Davis come in for 10 minutes and perform better than Maxiel. Eddie House, Powe, Davis, Brown and Tony Allen if used properly can outplay any bench in the league and have proven it when given the opportunity. I vote Celtics bench on this one.

The last thing I want to rant about is Tony Allen. In order to win this series, this gun toting, eye socket breaking, bust a cap in yo assing man needs to play. Even if Ray Allen steps it up, he’s not going to be able to keep up with Rip. He couldn’t even contain Wally World and he’s slower than Scal’s bowel movements. Tony Allen can run with RIP all day long and can also shut him down.

In the end, Paul Pierce and KG will do their thing. It’s these three other points that will propel the Celtics past the aging Pistons and into the NBA Finals. I have to believe that Doc Rivers will not screw this up. The Celtics are the underdogs for once this season, they have home court advantage and they have veteran savvy and young gun spaziness. Don’t hate on this team media world or I will come after you.

The draft lottery is tonight!

Sure, we'll be focused on the Celtics playing in the Eastern Conference Finals. But, as a way of cutting through the stress.... how about we look at some posts we did around this time last year?

The day of the draft we were pretty tepid about our chances... even remarking at the end that Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers "would never lead us to the promised land." Hm... the more things change the more they stay the same...... NO!!!!!!! THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR!!!!

THE LOTTERY IS TONIGHT!!
TIME FOR I*HEART*CELTICS TO PLAY THE ODDS

The Celtics have a 38% chance of landing a top-2 pick in the Draft Lottery today. Celtics fans are fired up, but we here at I*Heart*Celtics are both fired up and incredibly nervous. A whole season wasted for odds of nabbing a player are slightly better than winning Powerball but slightly worse than the chances Ben Wallace will hit a free throw.

To put things in perspective...

99.81% - Chance Vin Baker is completely shitfaced right now.

99.8% - Chance Chris Herren has an ounce of heroin within arms' reach as you read this sentence.

99.7% - Chance I*Heart*Celtics superstar Nic is wearing capri pants and watching Triple H highlights from the late 90's right now.

95% - Percentage of Celtics cheerleaders Delonte's tried to seduce with the baby-makin' melodies of R. kelly's "sex planet" and the aphrodisiacal aroma of a Popeye's family bucket.

93.3% - Percentage of Sebastian Telfair's assists-per-game to gun-related-incident ratio.

88.6% - Larry Bird's career free-throw percentage.

88.5% - Brian Scalabrine's career body fat percentage.

82.1% - Percentage of Antoine Walker's shots that are ill-advised.

80.1% - Winning percentage of Harvard Athletic Association championship-winning "Michigan" squad in 1996. Yes, this team did feature Nic, Chap, Sullivan, and even BP.

80.1% - Percentage of "Michigan" games both Nic and Chap suited up that season.


62.2% - Percentage of Sullivan's body covered with floor burns during basketball season.

62.1% - Percentage of Delote's body covered with flesh wounds after a night out on the town with his girlfriend.

58.7% - The Celtic franchise's winning percentage in their glorious 60 years in existence.

46.6% - Rick Pitino's career winning percentage as an NBA head coach.

43% - Percentage of child support paid by former Celtic Greg Minor.

42.2% - Celtics' RPI this season, ranking them 30th out of 30 teams. (RPI - Relative Percent Index; the formula is 25% team winning percentage, 50% opponents's average winning percentage, and 25% opponents's opponents's average winning percentage. -Basketball-Reference.com)

42% - Ben Wallace's career free throw shooting percentage.

41.4% - Doc Rivers' winning percentage as coach of the Boston Celtics.

39.4% - Antoine Walker's shooting percentage from the field in 2001-2002.

38% - Celtics' chances of landing Oden or Durant this year.

36.4% - Doc Rivers' career playoff coaching winning percentage.

35% - BP's score on a Geometry test in 8th grade, setting a class record.

34.4% - The Celtics' three point shooting percentage in their Eastern Conference Finals season of 2001-2002.

33% - Percentage of "N"s in Kevinn Pinkney's first name.

32.7% - Percentage of Celtics team salary used for Theo Ratliff, Luke Jackson, Brian Grant, and Vin Baker.

29.3% - The Celtics' winning percentage in 2006-2007.

29.3% - M.L. Carr's coaching record in two glorious seasons.

28.1% - Percentage of time Michael Jordan wasn't cheating on his wife during their marriage.

28% - Bruce Bowen's shooting percentage for the Celtics in 1998-1999.

18.3% - The Celtics' winning percentage in 1996-1997.

11.9% - Average percentage of the crowd that stays in the club when Tony Allen shows up.

8.8% - Chances that of that Vegas oddsmakers gave that a Celtics player would wear a Scooby-Doo jersey on the sidelines during a playoff game. Then Joe Forte came along.

7.9% - Chance I*Heart*Celtics superstar Chap has showered within the last 72 hours.

3% - Chance Kevin Pittsnogle can read all the way through One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish without asking for a definition.

1.86% - Chance Doc Rivers would have received a contract extension if he was coaching any other team... in the world.

1.3% - Chance that huge Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and frikkin' WILL SMITH fan Greg Oden is 19 years old.

1.1% - Percentage of his life that the Kandi Man isn't baked out of his mind.

0.9% - Chance Dwayne Schintzius' modelling career is going well.

2.21 x 10-3% - Percentage of team minutes contributed by Theo Ratliff, Luke Jackson, Brian Grant, and Vin Baker this season. (If you're wondering, BP actually did that math- 44/19857, according to Basketball-Reference.com. Also, if you're wondering, that's roughly $475,917.05 per minute.)

0% - Chance I*Heart*Celtics believes Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge will lead the Celtics to the promised land, regardless how the lottery goes this evening.

______________________________________________________

Then, the realization that we would be getting the fifth pick....

______________________________________________________

DAMMITALLTOHELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TANKING THE ENTIRE SEASON WORKS SLIGHTLY WORSE THIS TIME AS IT DID DURING THE M.L. ERA;
CELTICS ARE SCREWED OVER;
LAND FIFTH PICK IN A TWO-MAN DRAFT;
EVERYONE'S PISSED

______________________________________________________
Wow, remember how much that sucked? Then, we looked at the notable #5 picks from years past, and whattaya know, Ray Allen made our "Could Be Hall of Famers-Maybe" list! Also worth noting is that KG was a #5 pick as well. Was it meant to be!?!?
______________________________________________________

So, we all know by know that the Celtics got completely hosed with the #5 pick... or did they? I took a look at the #5 picks over the years, and the results may surprise you. For example, Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley might not put each other in their five, but they were both drafted fifth. Without further ado, here we go.

FIRST TEAM (Hall of Famers/Future Hall of Famers)
Dwayne Wade (2003)
Walt Frazier (1967)
Charles Barkley (1984)
Scottie Pippen (1987)
Kevin Garnett (1995)

SECOND TEAM (Could-Be Hall of Famers, maybe)
Sidney Moncrief (1979)
Mitch Richmond (1988)
Vince Carter (1998)
Ray Allen (1996)


THIRD TEAM (Very Good Players)
Darryl Dawkins (1975)
Steve Smith (1991)
Kendall Gill (1990)
Jason Richardson (2001)
Mike Miller (2000)

FOURTH TEAM (Decent Role Players)
Tony Battie (1997)
Shelden Williams (2006)
Raymond Felton (2005)
Devin Harris (2004)
Purvis Short (1978)
Walter Davis (1977)

The All Funny Name Team
Tom Thacker (1963) (sounds like a term for masterbation, i.e. "He's sort of a loser, he just hangs out with Tom Thacker all day, if you know what I mean.")
Wayne Yates (1961) (probably received 10,012 wedgies for the name alone)
Dick "Skull" Barnett (1959) (cool nickname)
LaPhonso Ellis (1992) (only LaPhonso I've ever heard of)
Mahdi Abdul-Rahman, formerly Walter Hazzard (1964) (sweet name change)

The Um... Ok, Whatever Team
Kenny Walker (1986)
Sidney Green (1983)
LaSalle Thompson (1982)
Danny Vranes (1981)
Wally Walker (1976)
James Ray (1980)

The Infamous Team
Isaiah Rider (1993) (crime)
Juwan Howard (1994) (scandal, being a dick)
Kermit Washington (1973) (fracturing Rudy T's face)
J.R. Reid (1989) (mediocre manwhore of the NBA)

The All BP-Never-Heard-of-Them Team
Freddie Boyd (1975)
Bobby Jones (1974)
George Trapp (1971)
Sam Lacey (1970)
Larry Cannon (1969)
Jack Marin (1966)
Dave Stallworth (1965)
Len Chappell (1962)
Guy Rodgers (1958)


The Dear-God-the-Celtics-Are-Friggin-SCREWED Team
Don Smith (1968) (doesn't even have a page on Basketball-Reference.com!!!)
Nikoloz Tskitishvili (2002) (mutant)
Jonathan Bender (1999) (broken)
Lee Shaffer (1960) (three seasons of crappiness)
Joe Koncak (1985) (guaranteed to suck just from the name alone)

In conclusion and in summary, the Celtics could potentially draft a Hall of Famer. The trend appears to be that the fifth pick is usually used for a well-regarded, solid guard. The number of swing players taken with the fifth pick is staggering. It's rare to nab a quality big, which is what the Celtics are probably looking to do.

The fifth pick is not where the Celtics would like to be, but I would match that first team against pretty much any other group of same-number picks, including #1's. This is supposed to be a very deep draft, so who knows, perhaps the C's will find the next Charles Barkley... or the first age-unknown skinny Chinese dude shrouded in mystery.

______________________________________________
Thank the basketball gods we don't have to go through that again.... GO CELTS.

CELTICS vs. PISTONS: 8:30 TONIGHT

Eastern Conference Finals starts tonight so grab your weird-freaking dancing, Indian, Celtics-loving friend and get ready for the action. Everyone is hating on the Celtics in this one. Especially Wannabee-Celtics-Homer Bill Simmons who has already stated that he thinks the Pistons will win. Newsflash Bill SImmons. To be a homer you have to a) like your team and b) convince yourself they will win at all costs. Since Bill is also an adamant Pierce-hater, who constantly craps on his team he in no way qualifies as a "homer".

Even with my own biases aside, there's no way the Celtics will lose this series. Every loser at ESPN has picked the PIstons to win, because the Pistons are the emphatic Blue-Chip team. No one will look stupid for picking them because their consistently decent. The fact that the Piston's have choked in the playoffs every year since they won it in 04' doesn't even enter their mind. Wake up people. Detroit lost to an arguably worse Cleveland team last year, so why would anyone think they could defeat the Celtics? Still skeptical? Then let's break it down.


POINT GUARD-Billups vs. Rondo

On paper this is a no-brainer. Mr. Big Shot trumps the smaller less experienced Rondo and will surely take control of the series. The problem is that Chauncy pulled a hammy the other week. Sure he's had a week to rest it, but the effects will linger. Plus, one of the main reasons that the Celtics got Cassel in the first place was to take it to Chauncy. Look for him to play some minutes.
ADVANTAGE RONDO

SHOOTING GUARD-Ray Alllen vs. RIP

A month ago Boston fans would have been pretty content countering Rip with Ray Allen. Today, we'd have a better shot of playing BRian Doo at the 2 spot. At least his D-fense is good. The demise of Ray Allen is so weird. So weird that I put all the blame on Doc Rivers. If you can't get a hall of famer in his prime shots, then get the hell out.

ADVANTAGE RIP


CENTER- PERK vs. SHEED
BP Thinks Perk sucks. Well, Im sure Perk thinks BP sucks and I would agree with Perk. Its hard to get a rhythm in 20 scattered minutes. If you want real stats on Perk check out THIS and you'll see that Perk is quietly having a very positive impact in these playoffs. SHEED clearly has the edge in this one, but thats just cause he's SHEED. He's Detroits heart and soul and always live and die with the SHEED. However, don't be surprised if SHEED melts down in the middle of a pivotal game and blows it for Detroit. That dude is CRAZY.


ADVANTAGE SHEED


POWER FOWARD-THE BIG TICKET vs. ANOTONIO MCDYESS

By now KG has proved to Celtics fans that he is not Tim Duncan, he is not Bill Russel. He's intense as hell, a true baller, but in the Cleveland series he had trouble posting up Delonte West for pete's sake. He will however be fired up, be making jumpers, yelling at his teamates, and controlling the paint.

ADVANTAGE KG



SMALL FOWARD- PAUL PIERCE vs. Tayshaun Prince

Tayshaun is no doubt Detroit's X factor. Billups and Rip will always get their 20, but Tayshaun does things at both ends of the floor that can really lift this team to greatness. The problem is that he is no match for the physically superior Paul Pierce. Paul is in his grove and will carry that into the E.C. Finals. Pierce went Larry Legend on the Cavs. Tayshaun Prince isn't going to slow him down. Advantage goes to the Cetics in this one.

ADVANTAGE PIERCE



BENCH

Well the Pistons do have Rodney Stucky..but....the Celtics have easily the deepest team in the NBA hands down. That is when their coach is juggling the line-up like flaming swords. Jason Maxiell has been huge for the Pistons, but the rest of their bench is well.....they basically don't have a "rest of bench". Lindsay Hunter and Stucky will get minutes, as might Juan Dixon, but they are nothing compared to Powe, PJ, House, Cassel, etc. Look for Tony Allen even to get some minutes this series covering RIP. This is a clear advantage for the Celtics and expect it to be the difference in the series.

ADVANTGE CELTICS

COACHING- Tweedle Doc vs. Tweedle Flip


Watching Doc and Flip try to out-coach each other will be like watching the Olson twins in a hot-dog-eating contest. Good luck. This one is a wash.

ADVANTAGE WESTERN CONFERENCE


Detroit is experienced, well-rested, and gets up against big teams, but the bottom-line is that with the exception of a couple games the Celtics have played like Brian Doo Doo. They are due for road wins and with the home-cooking should pull this one out in 6 or 7. With no LeBron they are all breathing easier and will play their best ball.


PREDICTION: Celtics in 6.

What We Learned from Game 7

Thank goodness that game is over. Now it's time to face the Pistons. There is no time in between games, but thankfully the Celtics won't have to travel. This is probably a good thing because the Celtics won't have time to make huge adjustments. Here's what we learned:

1) Eddie House is a huge improvement over Sam Cassell. That hustle play where he outsprinted Wally to slap the ball to James Posey was the most exciting play of the game. I have been trying to explain why Cassell is such a terrible addition to this team but I finally figured out why after Game 7. He's exactly like Rondo, except he's slower, lazier, whiner, shoots worse, is less aggressive, and has a far worse shot selection. Teams don't have to make any kind of adjustment. On the other hand, PJ Brown's big shot at the end was a direct result of the entire Cavs team trying desperately to close out on Eddie House's potential three from the corner. His release is so quick that he must be respected, he hustles his ass off, and his defense is good. And the weird thing is that House only shot 1-5 and didn't even hit a three but he changed the way the Cavs defended the Celtics whenever he was out there. He was +13 for the game. Of course, we here have been extolling the virtues of House for the entire playoffs and Doc finally figured this out. Irritating.

2) PJ Brown is the new go-to steadying hand in the post. As my boy Marty told me two seconds ago, he only takes shots that he knows he can make. He did have some horrific fouls throughout the game, but he put himself in position to help out down the stretch in ways that our other bigs (other than Garnett) haven't been able to do consistently. I love Powe and Big Baby, but they are the "burst of energy" types. They should get minutes down the stretch when they are being effective, of course, because I believe in the "play the hot hand" approach completely, but when the Celtics are in a horrifically officiated game in the playoffs and it's close down the stretch, PJ is the man at the "5" spot the Celtics need. Great pickup by Ainge, gotta give him props.

3) Kendrick Perkins... um... kinda sucks. I know that isn't going to make me popular amongst Celtic diehards, but come on... he had 1 rebound yesterday in 20 minutes. What the hell.

4) Zadrunas Illgalskus is pure evil. He kicked Rondo in the balls when Rondo was on the ground, and for that reason I will never, ever learn to spell Zrgurnauasses' name correctly. Asshole.

5) The announcers for ABC are the worst ever. EVER. I would rather listen to Bill Walton talk for three hours about his dual with Kevin McHale in practice. I am not one to complain about announcers because usually what I do is turn the sound down for the national games and listen to the WEEI broadcast, but I didn't this time and it was a horrible mistake. The fake banter between Mark Jackson and Van Gundy is embarrassing to listen to. They act like they were best friends when it's painfully obvious even to those that are incapable of identifying social cues that they have nothing in common. They act as if the stressed-out tiny white guy and the cool customer black dude are a natural and hilarious match. Well, guess what, this kind of relationship was already explored in the blockbuster smash "The Man" starring Eugene Levy and Samuel L. Jackson and all 9 people that saw it said it sucked. This topic has no need for further exploration.

The other thing that pissed me off was the "Will Pierce have his number retired?" argument that was rehashed word-for-word from earlier in the season. THESE ANNOUNCERS ARE RECYCLING MATERIAL! Mind-boggling.

But, worst of all, the worst thing maybe I have EVER heard was Mike Breen saying that Doc's tactic of coaching by "feel", i.e. jerking the lineup around like a lunatic, was a BRILLIANT TACTIC that should not be criticized. Similarly, Mike Breen has a love advice column, and here is an excerpt:

"When you have found a person you love and want to forge a lasting, meaningful, and successful relationship, I always advise my readers to follow the lead of former NBA Coach of the Year Doc Rivers and send mixed messages whenever possible. One day, tell her you love her madly. Then, the next day, randomly flip out and attack them for things that are outside of their control. Withhold all affection. Then, it's best to call up her best friend or her mother and talk about how your mate is a horrible person and nothing in the 'fight' was your fault, and that your mate knows exactly what she did wrong. Then, when your mate tries to work out with you what went wrong, just shake your head and be uncommunicative. The longer you can do this, the better. If you can completely avoid talking to her, and only talk through her best friend/mother, GREAT. Then, one day, whenever you feel like it (I always advocate to FEEL things instead of thinking logically or compassionately), send her flowers, a nice note, and take them out to a nice dinner. Afterwards, call the best friend back and say, laughing, that you're glad that your mate finally got her sh!t together, and it's about time. This is the best way to do things. After all, it was using this logic that Doc Rivers took the most talented team in the NBA to the Eastern Conference finals by losing every road game and squeaking out Game 7 wins against far inferior teams!"

6) I'm not too worried about Ray Allen. He was making the right passes out of the double teams (which they were sending at him every time he touched the ball) and he's just shooting poorly. Whatever, it happens. Would you rather he force up a bunch of terrible shots? He had 6 good looks all game and he only made one of them. That being said, Doc was right to cut his minutes last night because he wasn't making anything. Play the hot hand, I always say!

7) The Celtics should never, EVER count on the refs to make the right calls in the playoffs, because they don't and won't. Lebron was furious every time he went to the basket and a foul wasn't called. The Celtics weren't fouling him every time, obviously, but the mentality among the Lebrons and DWade's of the league is that they should be rewarded just for trying to make a move to the basket. On the other hand, Lebron could hold Pierce by his jersey and slap the ball away and also send Rondo flying 15 feet with his lowered shoulder in the lane and those won't be called for the Celtics.

THOSE ARE THE FACTS. So, the Celtics should be careful not to let the refs decide their gameplan, like they did especially in the Hawks series. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but the more the Celtics bitch and shoot jumpers the less calls they are going to get on the offensive and defensive sides of the ball. When Pierce, especially, feels like he isn't getting the calls, he has the tendency to play wilder and initiate contact more to convince the refs that he's getting hacked, and this argument simply doesn't work. (He didn't do that in Game 7 and, shocking, he played better than he has all season.) They need to continue to attack the basket, go after offensive rebounds, keep their mouths shut, and play tough defense. The Celtics are definitely deep enough to survive foul trouble from pretty much any player. I was impressed with the Celtics' composure in this game because they were getting SCREWED by the refs and any impartial observer would say the same thing. Keep it up.

8) Paul Pierce has always been up to the challenge down the stretch, and he's the go-to guy. However! I was impressed that KG took a jumper with no hesitation (in and out), Rondo was taking it to the rack, and PJ was cleaning up the garbage. I don't know, I think there are several Celtics that are ready to take over when the game is on the line... the trouble may be in finding who it will be each night. But all the talk about the Celtics not having that go-to guy is for stupid people that get into stupid arguments. Everyone on the floor down the stretch pitched in well, in different ways. Also, it bears mentioning that clutch rebounding is vastly underrated and the Celtics are great in that department.

9) While the Pistons are a better team than the Cavs, I like this matchup for the Celtics because they won't get outcoached and their bench is superior. It's just a matter of time until Ray gets his groove back and the other two amigos are ready to roll. I like this series for the Celtics, they'll know they have to pick their game up. I believe they are capable... some teams only play a little tiny bit better than their opponent no matter how good or bad they are. I am thinking of another New England-based sports franchise that won a couple Super Bowls back when. Let's hope the Celtics can follow that example.

SEE YA LEBRON, TIME FOR ROUND 3!!!!!!

MAY 18 NAMED "PJ DAY" IN MASSACHUSETTS FOR EVERMORE; PAUL PIERCE ACTUALLY USES RIVALRY WITH LEBRON JAMES FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL; DOC RIVERS ACTUALLY MAKES GOOD COACHING DECISIONS DOWN THE STRETCH.... I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BUT I DON'T WANT IT TO EVER STOP!!!!!!

FAIL

It's hard out here for a pirate

From today's Herald, commenting on irritation to Delonte West's eye last night:

Delonte West, who was 5-of-12 from the field and 10-of-13 from the line for his 21 points, said no scratches were found on his eye and that he didn’t have any blurred vision.

“They said it’s an irritation,” he said. “All I can describe it like is the feeling of having something in your eye, and it’s constantly there. Things like that can ruin your whole day. I have ointments and all sorts of eye drops to help me get through the game, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

West said his peripheral vision is fine but it’s hard to keep his eye open for a long time.

“It’s tough to play with one eye, unless you’re a pirate,” he quipped.

CELTICS SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME COUNTLESS TIMES, BUT PULL OUT NERVEWRACKING 96-89 WIN AT HOME

The Celtics showed up to this game looking terrible. Lebron was curbstomping the Celtics singlehandedly, the Three Amigos looked tentative, but I*Heart*Celtics favorite Rajon Rondo did everything he could to keep the Celtics in the game. Every Celtics fan should make a burnt offering of a Ruth's Criss gift certificate at their personal Rondo shrine to thank him because he was HUGE for the Celtics tonight. He was doing everything- he even hit a pair of threes.

However, KG deserves a TON of credit for pulling down pretty much every big rebound, getting some big defensive stops, scoring whenever he could, and basically doing everything necessary in the fourth quarter to help the Celtics win. While James Posey was handing the ball over right under the Celtics' basket and Doc Rivers was inexplicably screaming at Big Baby, KG was calming the Celtics down(!) and playing steady and confident down the stretch. The team, as a whole, was shaky at best down the stretch (Pierce had some bad TO's), but they did enough to win.

Back to that Big Baby thing.... Big Baby was ALL OVER THE PLACE tonight and was even pulling down some fourth quarter minutes. He flubbed a pass and dove as if the ball was an infant in a stroller rolling off the edge of a cliff. He grabbed the ball, called timeout, and it was a great moment. What does Doc do? Oh, flip out on him, of course. If I was allowed to scream at Doc the way he screams at young players, he would have stuck his head in an oven after about ten minutes.

Overall, I am happy with the result. Did I almost destroy my TV when Paul Pierce attempted a behind-the-back pass to no one down the stretch? Yes. Do I still think Doc is a moron? Of course. Am I confident the Celtics will win the series? No. However, this was the second "must win" of the playoffs, the other being Game 7 in the first round, and the Celtics have been up to the challenge both times.

Lebron Screams at Own Mother, BP Laughs for Two Straight Days

You've all heard the story- Lebron James went barreling into the crowd in Game 4 and wound up screaming at his own mother. This information is too hilarious to pass up on this blog, so I will comment on it starting NOW.

Lebron has the angle on Pierce, Pierce wraps him up to prevent the easy jam, and Lebron carries him into the crowd like a bucking bronco. It's funny enough watching Pierce trying to corral James, which he does about as successfully as a midget tackling a Buick. Eventually, awkwardly, they make it to the crowd, where some random woman starts flipping out. From the Globe story this morning, Pierce says that he knew it was Lebron's mom, (I sure as hell didn't) had no idea what she was saying. It was all crazed gibberish. Kevin Garnett, who is always eager not to fight, even if Anthony Peeler elbows him straight in the face, quickly assesses the situation and, like a true gentlemen, pulls her away and coos something sexy into her ear. They know each other well. After all, I'm pretty sure they went to high school together.

Just kidding! She's a good deal older than him. However, rumor on the street is that Sam Cassell took her to her senior prom.

The best part, of course, is Lebron, upon realizing that this crazy woman is in fact his own mother, pauses for two seconds and then screams, out of nowhere, once the situation is diffused, "SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!" To which KG responds, "Woah, dude, not cool, not cool at all.... woah..."

After the game, Lebron said that he shouldn't have used that kind of language, and that he just didn't want his mother to get in trouble. Fair enough. However, I think it goes a LOT deeper than that. After all, she got him in hot water when she bought him an H2 in high school, and then there was that, um, unfortunate macing at the hands of the Cleveland PD for which she got community service. Lebron fired his legit agent to be represented by his buddies. This little dustup makes me wonder if BronBron is getting a little sick of the hangers-on.... and who wouldn't?

Paul Pierce says he wants to put this behind him, but if I were him, I would say this just before tipoff:

"Hey Lebron, your mom asked KG for a ride to the airport after the game because her license was suspended for that macing incident, but he's going be super busy chugging RedBulls and screaming into the mirror. I think he'll forget to tell her, so can you tell her? I would, but I don't want to get screamed at by a crazy lady on national TV again. That was way awkward, but I know it was much worse for you. You know, because nobody wants family screaming matches to be broadcast on national TV. Anyway, have a good game. Oh, but could you tell me where your mom's sitting, because hired a bunch of extra security to protect me from her until I can file the restraining order."

Go Celtics.

CELTICS BOTCH FOURTH QUARTER, LOSE AGAIN ON THE ROAD

This foul was called on Paul Pierce for getting his jersey and face in the way of Lebron's hands

The Celtics lost tonight, which should have been anticipated because this game was not played in Boston. The Celtics do not win outside of Boston and appear, although they are grown-ass men, to be terrified to perform when they don't have the adulation of thousands of Celtic fans. The Celtics didn't play that crummy, but then again, they didn't play well either. Ray Allen, for pretty much the first time in the playoffs, wasn't a complete liability on the floor! That's encouraging. What wasn't so encouraging was the play of the Celtics bench and secondary players, who were in prime position to win this game for the Celtics but came up with nothing. I'd like to thank Sam Cassell personally for another POS game on the road. Sam-I-Am went 0-5 from the field, they were all terrible shots, and each gave me an ulcer. Kendrick Perkins was even worse, contributing 0-2 from the field, 3 rebounds, 3 fouls, and 2 points in 19 horrific minutes. Um... when the Bulls were good if Bill Wennington had a game like that MJ would threaten to kill his children. You have to get more than 2 points and 3 rebounds out of your starting center unless you want to dominate the cellar of a NESCAC intramural league. The Cavs played average at best and it was good enough to win. That's what good teams do... they win on off nights. The Celtics don't win in the playoffs unless it's a blowout, which means they will not win a championship unless they get their sh!t together right quick.

Of course, this game came down to the fourth quarter, when the Celtics took a 3-point deficit and turned it into an 11-point loss. Thanks for that Coach Rivers. Thanks for once again confidently leading the team down the path of failure. Nothing says "Championship Contender" quite like getting outplayed in crunch time of pretty much every game. Way to go, Doc. That's what we pay you the big bucks for.... nothing. The only Celtic more destructive to the team in the 21st century was Vin Baker, and at least he had a gallon or twelve of Wild Turkey to blame.

Dammit.

CELTICS PLAY LIKE GARBAGE, GET DESTROYED ON THE ROAD

The Celtics will learn a valuable lesson from this game. You can't spot the other team a 19-point lead in the first quarter. Bad idea, pretty much always. Everybody knows that.... except.... well, hile most coaches would react to a quarter like that by calling timeouts, changing defenses, and working the shot clock, the Celtics responded by keeping the game at Cleveland's chosen tempo, keeping the same dumbass defense intact, shooting contested threes with 18 seconds on the shot clock, and subbing in Sam Cassell. Speaking of Cassell, he has played so horribly for the Celtics that my gag reflex is triggered just by the sight of him and I vomit all over myself whenever he attempts a shot from the floor. Since he shoots every time he touches the damn ball, the Olsen twins have started calling my cell phone for eating disorder tips.

Anyway, the game was over in the first quarter. Of course, the Celtics played about even for the rest of the way, pretty much matching the Cavs bucket for bucket, but it didn't matter. You have to pretty much play wearing clown shoes and blindfolds to lose an NBA game in the first quarter, but the Celtics, with the most loaded roster in the league, pulled it off. Amazing.

I am going to break this down in bullets because I can't write in paragraphs when I'm this irritated.

1) Pretty smart not guarding Delonte West. He won't make uncontested threes, right? We haven't watched him drain those in his sleep for the last three years considering HE PLAYED ON THE CELTICS!?!?!?!?!?!? Great idea!!!!!!!

2) Ray Allen is a liability on both ends of the floor. Give Posey and Tony Allen ALL of his minutes. Posey can hit threes and defend, Ray Allen can't do either. Posey should be starting and playing 40 minutes a night. Tony Allen should get the other 8. I don't know if Ray has mono or what, but he looks terrible, and he has all series. Get him out of the goddamn game because Wally World is making him look like Oliver freaking Miller on the perimeter. I'd rather have Gabe Pruitt in there. I'd even rather have Sam Cassell.... wait.... check that....

3) Watching Zagrunus Ilgalskus drive the line like George Gervin in the third quarter was the most depressing moment of the game.

4) Kudos to Rondo for trying to dunk on Lebron after BronBron stuffed the ever-loving sh!t out of him two minutes earlier. Rondo was the only Celtic going hard to the rim tonight.

5) Lebron took "Acting Like a Pansy" lessons from Manu and a little bird told me that by the end of the class the student had become the master.

6) All of the Cavs were shooting ridiculously well from the field and chances are they will not duplicate that kind of performance again. They missed a ton of open shots in games 1 and 2, so I don't buy the argument that the Celtics play defense a lot worse on the road.

7) Whatever Ben Wallace took for his panic attack/allergy attack/ear infection, I'm going to need a dose before game 4. He was back to the old Ben Wallace, dumb as a stump and flying all over the place. Two days ago he was sitting on the bench with a box of Kleenex. What the hell...

8) Eddie House should be playing more. He plays with energy, he is a great distance shooter, and HE RUNS THE OFFENSE. Sam Cassell does none of the above. Doc is such a moron.

9) Doc, take that three piece suit and put it where you put your Game 3 gameplan... in Scalabrine's slop bucket. I'd take you more seriously if you were coaching in a Catwoman costume.


Alright... if the Celtics hadn't dropped three games on the road to the Hawks I don't think this game would be that big of a deal. But, since the Celtics have demonstrated that the only adjustments they make on the road is that they take everything they do and decide to do it 20% worse.... I am worried. Then again, the Cavs were hitting everything tonight after not hitting a damn thing in the first two. That's going to happen from time to time. So... I hope the Celtics can make some adjustments and win game 4 because let's face it folks, the Cavs aren't that good. The Celtics SHOULD win this series, but they are going to need to get their act together and play well every game instead of only the home games...

Ben Wallace Sidelined with the Sniffles: No Joke

Midway through yesterday's game 2 blowout, a Ben Wallace had a medical emergency. All of a sudden Big Ben found himself in so much pain that Wally Szerbiak had to intentionally foul a Celtic to stop the clock and get him off the court. His teamates huddled around him while the trainers went to work. Something was very wrong. Was it his spine? Was he having a seizure, maybe a heart attack even? Not quite. Big Ben's was suffering from allergies Wallace's allergies were so bad that he did not return to the game. Was he rushed to the hospital? No, it was too severe to go hospital. He could barely move. The only thing he could do was sit on the bench wiping his nose on his sleeve. Many Cavs fans were upset with Wallace for not returning considering the Cavs season was on the line as they were trying to avoid an 0-2 deficit against the NBA's best team. What fans did not realize was that Wallace was suffering from sinus pain, itchy eyes, and a runny nose. It got so bad that Paramedics had to rush in a box of tissues from Mass General. Sure, in the playoffs we often see players playing through sprained ankles, pulled hamstrings, and other injuries, but Allergies are a whole different ball-game. You can't put ice on your sinuses. Brian Doo can't massage your nasal glands. Despite the 2 day lay-over before game 3, Wallace still remains questionable for Saturday's game in Cleveland. While Big Ben's future remains uncertain, for now all Cavs fans can do is pray for less pollen in Cleveland.

TWO ZIP

CELTICS DON'T PLAY GREAT BY ANY STRETCH, BUT THEY PLAY GOOD ENOUGH TO WIPE OUT THE CAVS; LEBRON COMPLAINS ALL NIGHT; SAM CASSELL SHOOTS THE BALL A MILLION TIMES BUT IT DOESN'T EVEN PHASE ME BECAUSE THIS GAME WAS A BLOWOUT

ANOTHER REASON TO HATE LEBRON JAMES

"No, Lebron, *giggle* I'm telling you! Just dribble around, crash into people, and fall down! It will work every time!"

Thanks to the Cleveland Scene (via Deadspin) for this disgusting example of Lebron James being an ass:

It went down like this: LeBron pulls up in his Mercedes outside XO. People stop and try not to stare, but c'mon, it's LeBron James. He enters the restaurant with a group of friends. On this special occasion, the King decides to dine late. He keeps his group there until around 3:45 a.m. During this time the waiter obsequiously pours drinks and fetches anything else His Greatness needs.

The final bill comes to $800. By the feudal laws of decorum, which stipulate that the affluent should administer a 20 percent gratuity, staffers figured they'd be pocketing an extra $160. But when they fetched the autographed bill after His Heinousness bolted back to Akron, their expectation turned to disbelief, then anger.

LeBron stiffed them with a meager $10 tip. This is what French nobles like to call your requisite Bourgeois Bitch-Slap. The waiter wouldn't even take it, tired of being shat on by guys like LeBron.

Still, at least the self-proclaimed King of Ohio didn't pull a Bernie Kosar — who gets sloshed at the bar and then has to remind the waiters of who he is before he stiffs them.

I particularly loved the Bernie Kosar slam at the end. I wasn't expecting that one. However, being ever so slightly less of a douche than Bernie Kosar is no compliment- Kosar is the dude who I heard threw a football into the face of Miami's school president back in the day.

But back to the point at hand- if you are a lousy tipper, you are a horrible human being. It's that simple. If you don't want to tip somebody, keep your miserable ass inside. Nobody wants to see you anyway. Of course, if you are closing in on being worth half a billion dollars, and you don't want to tip, you should be sent to federal prison.

So here we have Cleveland residents, who are witnesses to a "screw you" tip after BronBron them at work until almost 4am. This reminds me of the time that Lebron refused to sign Ira Newble's petition to end the genocide in Darfur. Really, Lebron, you didn't know enough about the issue to sign it? Really? Is it that complicated of an issue? Don't you just have pity for Ira Newble trying to do something for somebody else? Is ENDING THE GENOCIDE IN DARFUR something you need to hit up the local library and bone up on before you sign a petition!?

He's as stupid as he is inconsiderate. There's a reason this dude has a website.

This new information just changed my prediction for tonight. Celtics 198, Cavs 52. Lebron's line, 2 points, 1-19 shooting, 11 turnovers, eternal damnation. Go Celtics.

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES

The deification of Lebron has reached a disturbing level... Sam Cassell is getting called for flagrant fouls that are dubious at best, Lebron's flopping and bellyaching has allowed him to make a living on the free throw line despite being 30 pounds heavier and three inches taller than even the biggest guys that guard him, and his new commercial with Nike is, um, WAY over the top. Check it out.

We're all going to be witnesses to an assload of bullsh!t calls on Lebron's behalf tonight because you know he's going to be flopping and moaning as a way to get back on track. As Sam Cassell said, nobody has ever been protected by the refs like Lebron. (Maybe Dwayne Wade in the NBA Finals... I guess this is debatable...) Anyway, Lebron has set a pretty high bar for his acting, he faked getting cut in the mouth after game 1 to justify the flagrant on Cassell... by game 4 he'll easily outdo Paul Pierce's jaw-wrap courtesy of Jamaal Tinsley. Expect to all be witnesses to Lebron game 4 postgame interview from inside an iron lung.

Prediction: Lebron shoots 20 free throws, Paul Pierce fouls out, but Celtics win 86-78.

Phew!!!

THANKS TO KG, THE CELTICS ESCAPE HORRIFIC GAME; CLUTCH FREE THROWS AND REBOUNDING DOWN THE STRETCH FROM POSEY AND CASSELL SEAL THE VICTORY FOR TERRIBLY COACHED AND (MOSTLY) TERRIBLY PERFORMING CELTICS

Paul Pierce and Ray Allen may have shot 2-18 from the floor and scored 4 points COMBINED, Doc Rivers may have called a timeout and drawn up a play with less than 3 minutes left with no idea that there was one second on the shot clock, AND the Celtics may have had to have Sam Cassell shoot 35-foot three pointers in crunch time... but their withering defense on Lebron James and their clutch free throw shooting down the stretch allowed them to wriggle away with a 4-point victory.

Consider Lebron's line- 2-18 from the floor, 9 rebounds, 9 assists, TEN TURNOVERS. Amazing. He was stumbling and bumbling all over the place. I don't think that's going to happen again. It's weird because I was thinking before the game that Lebron always plays a little bit better than Pierce when they go head to head, and this game was no exception. They were both awful. It was strange to see Lebron trip and get called for travelling, or throw up shots as if some 5-year-old was controlling him in a video game and was figuring out which button is "shoot" and which button is "pass". On the flip side, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen played a different kind of suck- they looked as though they couldn't score a basket against the Perkins School for the Blind's JV equipment manager.

What a weird game. Thank the basketball gods the Celtics won, otherwise I would probably be walking the city streets looking for puppies to dropkick into traffic. Cleveland fans must be pissed....

BOSTON VERSUS CLEVELAND