I Heart Celtics

This blog is defunct

2011-12-07T20:13:00.002-05:00

Some of us stopped writing, others were picked up over at www.celticslife.com.
Thanks!

Fall rules.

2009-11-06T13:36:00.001-05:00

Fall is a great time of year for me. The leaves magically change color and cover my disgraceful lawn like a beautiful quilt.

The money portion of the Sam Adams seasonal line-up (Octoberfest and Winter Lager) is due in at all fine beer-hawking establishments nation-wide. I get to hide my video-game-sculpted body and receding hair-line with knit hats and layers of female-repelling t-shirts I only wear when I know I will have an overworn, underwashed hoody over them.

And recently, The Celtics will be delivering serious ass-bruisings to "teams" like the philly cheesesteaks and charlotte slobcats. This new era of Celtics seems to go into a sprint immediately when the starting pistol is fired.

Fine, if you shake my hand, I promise to shoot over there instead of at you.

Two years ago, 29-3. Last year, 27-2. This year, 5-0 so far with no one, not even the Lebrons in Lebronland, really threatening to win by the end of the game.

Uh, I think someone's tryin to foul me. Let me check... yea, Eddie House is tryin to foul me.

This writer surely believes they can keep up this pace and have another stellar start, but how much does a good start to the season matter? well, I would say it matters a lot. The first time we did it, we brought home the trophy. Suck it, LA. Last time we went two rounds into the play-offs with a couple of big injuries. Suck it anyways, LA. Clearly there is no direct correlation, but by the same logic that getting ahead in a game early makes it easier for you to win for several reasons other than just having the lead, getting ahead in the season makes it easier for you to stay ahead.

With the Marianas Bench on our side (do what you can, but don't hurt yourself trying to get that joke), Doc can really rest our senior citizens effectively and minimize injury risks too. So it seems we can have our early season domination cake, put a few pieces in the fridge for later, then bust it out during the play-offs, eat some more, then ask the Lakers if they think it smells funny. Ha ha, suck it again, LA, and wipe that frosting off your face!

I was just kidding Kobe, chill out before your neck cord explodes.

LA Lakers recon mission

2009-10-07T13:33:00.004-04:00

As we all know, the L.A. Lakers are not going to repeat as champions this year, but will still be like an annoying animal darting out in front of the Celtics' bandwagon on the road to ultimate triumphantry. The only question is whether it will be like a taurus versus a deer or a tank versus a salmon. ... one of those new-fangled land-salmon. So let's see what's goin on over in L.A., where the fans care about the game, just as long as the E! network is on re-runs, and there are no mirrors in sight.

Derek the Gnome, pictured here celebrating with his team after getting a rebound, is getting old and ineffective, but not to worry, he has compensated for this by... writing a book about his life story and remaining old and ineffective. Amazon.com reports record sales as literally dozens of people order the book and select "never" as their shipping option. Well, maybe he plans to read excerpts to opponents when they start games and bore them to sleep by halftime. He reportedly has been training hard in the off-season however, so whatever his strategy will be, you can bet it will be a big waste of time and energy.

Everyone's least favorite egomaniac, seen here looking dumb, is in talks with the Lakers for an extension to his contract. From the L.A. Times: "On top of the $47.8 million he could earn over the next two seasons, Bryant can sign a three-year extension worth another $86 million to $91 million." I think this may backfire for the Lakers though. Physicists theorize that this huge contract offer will generate enough self-importance in Kobe Bryant that it will cause his head to literally explode. So if I understand this correctly, and I probably don't, that's a potential total of $138,800,000. Now that's a lot of money, but I recall a great point (although he uses Shaq as an example rather than Kobe) from comedian Chris Rock (caution: link contains profanity and controversial viewpoints) differentiating that kind of money from serious wealth. My point is that someone is paying Kobe that insane amount of money not because he deserves it, but because Kobe will make the executives way more money. I think if I could afford to hire someone for that much money, I would instead first punch myself in the face for even considering it, then retire and take a look at this website. Obviously Kobe is the face of the Lakers and isn't going anywhere, should Celtics fans be worried? Not while Artest is there to ballhog and steal attention away from him. As the season goes, Kobe will soon recall that he's Jesus and this pair will prove to be as effective as Michael Jackson and a case of sedatives.

That last joke was in great taste. Anyways, Kurt Rambis, the laker's version of Thibs, left to bring his brand of defense to the T-wolves, so we should see a shift in the Laker's defensive strategy. For those of you wondering, Rambis's brand of defense consists mainly of getting clothes-lined while rocking goofy glasses and only the dirtiest of mustaches. For those of you who missed the '84 finals and are all like "wtfuck are you talking about?" Here. Laker's head coach and chief Col. Sanders impersonator Phil Jackson has said that he will use 3 assistant head coachs: no name 1, who knows 2 and some guy 3 to split up the other NBA teams evenly and figure out how to defend them. He needs them to do this because he's too busy not moving for extended periods of time. Some scientists think that, like those creepy, camouflaged fish, this is how he catches his prey.

OK, moving on to big dumb waste-of-space Luke Walton (The NBA player with the douchey straw hat... on the right), he will be playing less with Artest in the mix, which is not a new concept, I guess, but Walton was asked about it recently and said he will be working his tail off to get minutes. This is unfortunate for non-Lakers fans cause the only stat category Luke bested his father in is minutes-sucked. Walton's desperation can be seen here (and anytime he's in uniform), when he says "Hey, I'll play some 1, Magic Johnson style. I'll just back people all the way down the court." I assume by "Magic Johnson style" Luke means he will get fat and do bad commercials, cause lord knows he's not shooting over 50% with 20 ppg and 11 apg . Either way, it's insulting to the Magic man. Show some respect, lesser walton. Maybe Artest will break his hand on some C-list celebrity's face this season and Luke will finally get the minutes he needs for that elusive 4:1 turnovers-to-points ratio.

This next picture is great.

WUAHAHAHA!!

Anyways, second to last on the list, this summer's training camp has proved that Sasha Booyabitch still sucks at one of the two things he does well, shooting. Yes, he can still bitch, moan and tweak-out with the best of them. This makes him half as effective but just as eastern-european as before, a dangerous combination. I remember when it seemed like he wouldn't miss a shot, that was a couple years ago. Last season his percentage dropped almost 7 points from the year prior when he was good. Yes, that's a lot for a shooter. While having a girl name, girl hair, and girl menstruation cycles here and there never seemed to slow him down before, I think it's time for him to silently transition into the WNBA, where maybe Sasha will finally be able to score, both literally and figuratively. I mean, some of those players have got to be lesbians. See what I did there? I implied Sasha was female and called him/her gay. I'm so clever.

And last on the list, um, every other player on the team. Look for them all to put up about 2.5 points a game and exhibit "you got it"-style rebounding. Overall I think a valid PPG equation for the Lakers this season will be take Ron and Kobe's point total, subtract the number of minutes walton plays, divide by how many times Gasol gets molested in the paint, and add the number of gatorade coolers sasha abuses. You should get a reasonable figure if you did the math right. Conclusion: the Lakers will win five games this season before Kobe bankrupts the team and Artest punches all the fans in the face.

Garnett still has a boo-boo and the NBA is still a laughingstock.

2009-09-17T19:11:00.023-04:00

So a lot of stuff has happened in Celticsland since last post, and I'm sure you've heard about all of it. We signed Sheldy Williams, resigned Big Baby, and finally worked out something with Marquis Daniels. Looking back at the 09 playoffs, there were two things I remember missing. One is of course KG, and the other was bench points. Let's look at the improvement. 08-09 bench by the end of the year (minus the players we still have): Stephon Marbury, Mikki Moore, Gabe Pruitt. 09-10 bench starting out: Marquis Daniels, Glen Davis, Rasheed Wallace, Shelden Williams.

mmm bench points...

Marbury and Lester Hudson are still up in the air, and it's not really fair to include baby, but it is exciting to know how talented he is, and that we have more than five guys who are even better. (Yes, reader, it has occurred to me, after I put down my keg of kool-aid, that this line-up is untested and could go into a tailspin, but for now, let's just assume everything will go exactly according to plan, hmm?). Anyways, back to Big Baby. As we all know, he got to showcase his talent when KG suffered his knee injury. Luckily that's all over and done with.

OR IS IT?!?!?!?! DUN DUN DUN

Stories are now surfacing, based on the fact that KG will miss the first pre-season game, that his knee injury may still be a big issue. It seems like the Celtics, coached by Bill Belichick, may not want to really reveal the truth (which is out there) to the rest of us.

I *Heart* Celtics, where X-files references happens.

One might (intelligently) say "It's only the pre-season and plenty of teams rest starters during PS games." I would say that this wouldn't be Boston sports here if we didn't analyze the hell out of everything. So could the knee still be a factor, will Garnett be at or close to 100% and when will he start? Yes, based on the severity of the injury. I would guess not 100%. and who knows? Whatever the case may be, the Wallace trade is looking like it could be a little more than for depth.

In other news, the NBA, which can't come to an agreement with its refs, has invited replacement refs in to a training camp. I'm sure the old refs just want more money, but maybe, just maybe, they want to call the games fairly and of course Stern will have none of that. One interesting point is here and that is that the NBA has invited former NBA ref Michael Henderson who they suspended for making a bad call and later fired for probably causing a stink about it (see the call below).

Man that was a bad call, oof, makes me just want to stab someone with a knife. Somebody obviously had big money on that game. Or Henderson has the eyes of dead bat. So that's good news, we can expect just as crappy of a job as the old refs did or worse! I think they should just hire Tommy Heinsohn as the league's only ref, personally.

And finally, on the "lighter" side, former Celtic, current Cav and future Terminator Delonte West got pulled over in Maryland on a motorized tricycle wielding two loaded hand-cannons and a shotgun in a guitar case.

Pause, re-read and reflect.

As hilarious as the image of him riding down the highway on a three-wheeler shooting off pistols and screaming like he's god damn Yosemite Sam is (and I'd have that photoshop for you if I wasn't so busy)... what are you trying to prove, Delonte? You are not Steven Seagal, you aren't going to have to take down a factory-full of evil henchmen to save a woman you just met, and you don't need to be prepared to combat a small national army. You are a rich basketball star, no one is questioning your manhood, so just cut the sh!t and grow up. When are these moron athletes going to figure this out? And don't give me that "It's for protection" BS, Dmitri West, you can't even spell your own name. Your son is riding a deathtrap with a loaded gun in his pants. The only thing he needs protection from is his mid-30's I.Q. My favorite part of this whole story isn't even the fact that his motorcycle had training wheels or that he had 3 loaded weapons on him when he cut-off a cop. No sir. It's that he was charged with two criminal counts for the handguns, but "[Major officer] Ellis said West was within his rights to carry the shotgun." So a pistol is illegal, but if I want to be like West and pretend I'm the lead in "Desperado 2: Mexicans in Maryland" and roll around with a shotgun in a guitar case, that's totally fine. You can conceal a handgun, you can conceal a shotgun, HOW IS THE SHOTGUN NOT AS DANGEROUS?!

Well you know what, get me my three-wheeled hog, some leather and a guitar case full of death, cause I got some refs to school.

More roster action, with half the importance and twice the calories.

2009-08-03T16:20:00.006-04:00

According to Seattlepi, whatever the hell that is, the Celtics have reached an agreement with Shelden Williams for one year. See hilarious photoshop below:

Thanks to the Kings blog "SacTown Royalty" for this brilliant photomanipulation. I also like how occassionally, if you visit that site and are very lucky, a giant pop-up of a nature scene blocks the entire site and advertises absolutely nothing. Awesome.

He was a solid defender at Duke, flying around and blocking shots, getting rebounds, etc. Here in the NBA he has played with the Hawks, the Kings and the Timberwolves, and is one of those guys who plays about 15 minutes per game, so no one cares about him. I think he is underappreciated, and will have a good year with the C's. He's defensive-minded and young, which is nice since our team is starting to look a little, uh, elderly.

Speaking of that, the Celtics may have a chance to jump on another geezer of a player, Bruce Bowen, since the Spurs are waivin it up down there. This article seems to think it'll be either us or the Cavs. It mentions however that odd-looking Marquis Daniels from the Pacers is probably going to take the spot opened up by waiving Gabe Pruitt, which will be great if the guys have an impromptu need for a map of Florida or any other of his bizarre tattoos. Yes, last friday the Celtics requested waivers on our beloved, drunk-driving backup point guard leaving most wondering who will back up Rondo after we run him into the ground and Marbury until he remembers how to play (if he is resigned). Oh wait, I forgot, Rondo is indestructible, nevermind. So the Celtics will probably end up with either Daniels or Bowen, and without maybe Scal or TA if we have to trade with Indiana (rather than using just cash).

The NBA, where mind-bending, confusing-ass transactions happens.

And In Powe news, he reportedly received an offer from the Cavs. And just as a courtesy to you, the reader, if you click on the link just given, stop reading after the first four lines. The author does some "freestyling" if you will, and it is uncomprehendable garbage. At this point I would like to say that the Cavs need to chill the out. First it was Shaq, then they got Anthony Parker, then goofy-named Jamario Moon (Here's how that went down: "hmm, what should we name our kid? I know, Mario... wait too normal, let's get high and come up with an extra syllable to throw in the mix.") to go with Lebron and the gang. I don't know how well that group will work together, but scientists predict it will be somewhat like this:

And now the Cavs want to add Powe to the Cleveland De-pantsing ho-down too? Unbelievable! Well, I will say this, Powe deserves the highest contract he can get, he's a great player and human being, and I hope he stays, but I wish him the best of luck anyways.

On a side note, here are some videos which should help explain the just-not-quite-rightatude that Cleveland people exhibit (Thanks to Cam for the find).

Rash is down with the C's ideology

2009-07-10T00:04:00.011-04:00

Rasheed with his new jersey, Vivica Fox, a young PJ Brown, the little girl from the Cosby show and a kid who thinks his head is a lot bigger than it actually is.

Well, I just sat through the introductory press conference and boy was it exciting. There's nothing like a bunch of lobotomized reporters lobbing up underhanded softballs at preprogrammed athletes who sit and wait for the "high cheese" (as Eckersley would say) like Big Papi circa 2004 with a 3-0 count. "Um, Rasheed, could you tell us if you think winning is important to this team and if you think you can help the team do that?" "Um, no, I'm not that good and honestly we'd rather just get to know each other on the court... through the art of interpretive dance, maybe throw a tea party here and there, do the electric slide, you know, as a team... winning isn't really what we're about."

Well, that's not what he said, though he would have my undying admiration if he had. Rashy is all about the big W, he claims. In fact, if there was a common theme, it was: we want to win and Wallace was the main free agent that the C's wanted to sign. Since he is now a Celtic, my unfounded hatred of RW is gonna have to go, but still, I reserve the right to complain about any chucking that goes on.

In other news:

The Celtic's summer league, where our young guys play who-cares basketball in an abandoned gym outside of Orlando, has took a turn for the worse. After flogging the Utah Jazz-hands, we were beaten decidedly by the high-drafting OK (by state abbreviation, not reputation) Thunder and edged out by a trey by the Orlando Magically Delicious and the Indiana Pacemakers. Fun fact: Indiana feels the need to play its regular season starters against our there-for-emotional-support crew.

I plead momentary retardation when I said that Orlando is a better team now. Cause they aren't. They are gonna miss the Hedonism Turkey like the Celtics (and BP) miss Alvin and the Jeffersons (a lot). Unless Howard has figured out the art of the free throw and, well, anything on top of how to dunk and Carter discovers the fountain of youth, I'm not too worried. Also, I look forward to seeing Shaq in Cleveland even more now. Wallace is going to buy property outside the arc and just live there because on defense Shaq will either be with his only friend, the low post, or still deciding whether or not to bother crossing half court. It's going to be hilarious, trust me.

And lastly, Gregg Dickerson (Boston's really funny, local sports network's "field" reporter on the Celtics) confirmed with Doc Rivers that they expect a definite answer to the Grant Hill situation (which, in case you haven't heard about because I haven't mentioned it, exists) within a few days. Doc said, and I paraphrase, we really want him on this team and are trying to pry him away from the Suns but it will be difficult because he likes Steve Nash and the ownership and hates winning.

Celtics reach supposed deal with the 'sheed.

2009-07-06T11:45:00.007-04:00

I was surprised too, Rash.

The Celtics have reached a deal with Piston's Rasheed Wallace, SI said. 2 years of technical fouls and chucking foolhardy 3's. Well this isn't all bad from a strategy standpoint (and it's not bad at all if you don't have unfounded hatred for Wallace like I do). He can defend forwards and centers, he can play inside and outside on offense and he's got a weird discolored blob on his head which I believe is his version of Jupiter's great red spot. Sources say that it fuels his inner tempest with stormy rage. This has to count for something.

Anyways, I predicted Andersen here, but I certainly can't complain with this move... it actually makes more sense. Not only will this give us more depth at center, but I'm certain he will rack up the minutes despite coming off the bench. He can come in for KP at C or KG at F, which will allow Doc to better rest starters, something he cried about last season. So this trade seems to make a lot of sense, I'm excited to see it in action later this year. Also, look for a feature during the season: Sheedwatch! Ugly missed 3's are worth 1 point, technicals will be 2, let's see how high he can score!

In other news, the Celtic's summer league gets started tonight at 7pm against the Utah Jazzettes, and you can watch the live stream from Celtics.com. The expected starters are Gabe Pruitt, J.R. Giddens, Bill Walker, Mike Sweetney and Robert Swift. So if you own a laptop you can watch the sox and D-team celtics at the same time. word.

The draft happened, the Cavs find Lebron a boyfriend, Orlando throws Vince Carter at their problems, Celts concentrate on holes in their dancer roster

2009-06-30T01:37:00.017-04:00

...no pun intended (seriously).

Meet the newest Celtic, Lester Hudson seen here attempting some kind of weird, mid-air, side-action sky-hook that will have to defy the laws of physics to go in. Comforting.

Wowee wow, so the draft happened and without further Freddy Adu here is I*Heart*Celtics' exhaustive summary:

Boston Celtics - pick 58 - picked Lester Hudson. A speedy combo guard with already-established and quite effective offensive skills. A great compliment to our defensively-oriented team. I predicted a different player by name, but essentially the same player by game. Ainge has said that there is a good chance he will see playing time this season.

Other teams - picks 1 through 60 - picked players that they thought would help them beat us and will soon find that their time would have been better served trying to pay the basketball to go in the hole.

In other news, The Cleveland Lebron's, under pressure from last season's disappointment, will now have to change their name to The Cleveland Oh-God-We're-So-Pissed-About-Last-Year-That-We're-Bringing-In-Captain-"Along-For-The-Ride"-And-Crossing-Our-Fingers-That-His-Ego-Doesn't-Eat-Ilgauskis-aliers. Unfortunately Shaq will be the only one who will be able to fit it on his jersey. The Cavs meanwhile have sent Ben Wallace, Sasha Pavlovic, a 2010 2nd round draft pick, some moolah, a broken TV, a '74 dodge dart, a croquet set, some Van Halen LP's and whatever else they were just going to throw out anyways to Phoenix. The Suns, meanwhile, can't stop talking about how great Ben Wallace was in 2004 and how Sasha was picked in the very 1st round of the 2003 draft. Look for the Suns to be a dominant force in points not scored, rebounds mishandled and ratio of asleep to awake fans.

News from our other source of competition, Orlando, goes as follows: The Nets send over Vince Carter and 2nd year player Ryan Anderson in exchange for Rafer Alston, Tony Battie and Courtney Lee. It seems like this means that Hedo is not going to stay in Orlando since that would be very expensive for Orlando, but there is no Hedonews so far. Regardless, Orlando is going to be quite a force this season. Their starting five is Howard, Lewis, Turkoglu, Carter, and Nelson, with the possibility of Pietrus or Anderson instead of Turkoglu. Either way, Orlando's newly and extremely versatile offense and solid defense are going to be damn scary.

The Celtics are going to need Perk to step up to the challenge of Shaq and Howard and the team defense is going to have to improve despite the fact that it has been pretty excellent the last couple seasons. To be honest, I'm now more worried about Orlando than Cleveland, but both teams are now better than last season. If we can see the full Celtics roster healthy and hustling, we can beat them both, I believe. Some say that more transactions on our part are going to be necessary to win it all again, and the Celtics have shown that they agree (as seen by their current website headline) by first taking care of what's really important: finding the hottest women in massachusetts who will dance provocatively during time-outs so ticket holders can (men) point skywards and pray for wardrobe malfunctions or (women) complain about the pointlessness of cheerleaders as they broadcast their jealousy like a bad radio show. Maybe if you tried a little harder in gym class rather than going to the nurse's office with your injury-du-jour you'd be on the team during the game rather than after it, ladies. Anyways, I do hope the front office recognizes the need to beef up a little bit. I am still advocating less Moore/Marbury and more players that are good, hopefully that happens.

Oh and I forgot to mention that way back in May, Sam Cassell was made an assistant coach in Washington, so all the best to him with that.

Ridiculous Celtics trade rumor # 2

2009-06-24T15:14:00.004-04:00

Seems poor Rondo can't stay out of trade rumors. With the draft coming up in a day, rumors are flying, here's the latest: Rondo, Scal and Giddens to Memphis for Rudy Gay and Mike Conley. This particular article doesn't mention Giddens, cause I guess they had other, more urgent rumors to spread and couldn't be bothered giving us the full maybe-truth. After some searching around online, I found that he was involved in the rumor that some say is a complete lie, and others say is practically a done deal.

Again, it is impossible to tell if this is remotely true, but we'll keep you somewhat posted.

Ridiculous Celtics trade rumor #1

2009-06-24T14:31:00.003-04:00

According to yahoo sports, lower-level (than Ainge) executives are playing feel out/up the competition for trades.

"D-town? No Thanks!"

No one has confirmed this, but "league sources" said the the C's offered Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen to Detroit for Richard Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rodney Stuckey. Ray Allen has one year left and will be a FA after next season. He will probably have to settle for less since after this since he is in his mid-30's. Rondo has a rookie contract which ends after the upcoming season, however the Celtics can extend it by one year now, and we will have him for next season and the season after. I see this being in the Celtic's best interest since he is one of the best point guards in the league and makes far less money than he deserves. The Celtics can also wait on his extension and make him a restricted free agent after next season. Why give teams the chance to drive his salary up and force us to match if we want to keep him?

So getting rid of these guys makes no sense, let's see if acquiring those guys from the pistons makes any.

Prince: good passing forward, fast with some size and mediocre scoring.
Stuckey: speedy and scores relatively well. he can play both point and shooting guard, but isn't really your standard point guard.
Hamilton: 31-year-old guard-forward with a very solid offensive game, nothing amazing though.

It would be nice to have another option at the small forward position, but we end up with no point guards in this trade and Detroit loses too much to justify their desire for Rondo (remember AI? hahaha)

The article later says Detroit immediately said no to this trade idea, but another article here says Ainge also immediately said no. In fact, Ainge said, "I'm not sure why his name keeps popping up, but I'll tell you this: We love Rajon, and I think everyone in here knows what kind of a player he is and what kind of a bright future he has."

He makes another quote which is worth mentioning, "And I hope you can all maintain your integrity in this world of media that we live in. It doesn't seem that you have to have any source anymore. You can just write stuff and print stuff and things just come out of the air." I agree with this, but apparently yahoo sports does not. Rather than saying, "Hey here's some heresay trade rumors..." they print it as if it's common knowledge. I hope I have at least made it clear that these rumors are exactly that.

My 2009-2010 Celtics hopes

2009-06-22T16:51:00.020-04:00

Disclaimer: I am going to try to make a case for what I believe the Celtics roster should look like next season. I've never done this before, so perhaps I will forget or be unaware of certain influencing factors (feel free to correct me, thought). Bash me if you like, but I recommend a normal discussion based on evidence and/or common sense, like I will attempt to give now.

I think the overall strategy is going to be to build a playoff team. We are still going to have KG (who underwent successful surgery and should be good to go), Rondo (who's game has vastly improved), Ray Allen, and Paul Pierce (our play-off master). Making the play-offs, while never automatic, will probably happen. Therefore, I think the idea will be to surround these guys with play-off-proven guys to make another run at a title before thinking about replacing veterans with younger talent. Ainge himself said here, "I don’t anticipate any trades happening in this offseason involving any of our core players."

Anyways, starting with our guys first:

Celtics free agents (players who will need a contract extension or a new contract to continue playing):

Restricted FA's ("restricted" means that if another team signs a contract with the player, the celtics have 15 days to match that contract and keep the player, or let him sign with the other team. Otherwise the player signs with no one.)

Leon Powe

Glen Davis

Unrestricted FA's (The player can sign with whichever team he wants or with no one)

Mikki Moore

Stephon Marbury

Eddie House (Eddie has a player option which means he can extend his contract for another year for the same salary as last season).

I think Powe and Davis will be kept. Davis's performance in the playoffs this year exceeded all expectations, especially on the offensive end. Likewise, Powe's consistency and his 2008 playoff performance was also excellent. Plus Powe, from what I hear, is a Doc Rivers' favorite and a total team player. The only issue I see here is if signing both of these guys becomes a financial strain, they may just keep one. If this is the case, my guess would be Powe stays, since both are proven post-season players but Powe has better post moves, consistency, and defense. The Celtics front office has expressed interest in another jump shooter, which could mean that they are going to let Davis go (he has a jump shot, and a pretty good one now, as opposed to Powe, which has no jump shot), or it could mean that they love jump shooters and would rather sign Davis. Again, I just hope they both stay.

I think the Celtics will consider other options and probably find one before resigning Mikki. People argue that his decent jump shooting and length make him a hard player to replace, but I don't see that outweighing his poor fouling, and lack of defense, outside of the occasional block. Plus he is thin and gets muscled around in the paint a lot on both ends.

Marbury is a tough call. There aren't really many (if any) choices if the C's want a different back-up point guard. Though he saw limited playing time, he didn't perform that well. Ultimately, I think he will be gone. This will leave us with shooting guards and Rondo, which seemed to work, pre-marbury, partially because Rondo is young and can handle a lot of minutes. Pruitt, a trade, a lucky draft pick and/or even maybe Tony Allen may all help this cause.

I think House will be back too. I am concerned because he ended last year with such a bang that other teams may overvalue him and offer him more money than we would, but his reputation for being streaky is well-known, plus I think he likes it here. Honestly, I would love him to stay here because he spreads defenses, gets the crowd going and the celtics know how to use him perfectly. They give him the ball a few times when he comes in, if he knocks down shots, he can go on a run and decimate a team from 3-land. If he isn't feeling it, they rest him or use him as a decoy to spread defense because even if he isn't rolling, teams know now to never give him open looks. Plus I don't think anyone has as quick a shot as House. His defense is the only problem here, but I don't think it's a big enough problem to justify letting him go.

Now for the rest of the free agents in the league. I think, given the strategy I mentioned first, that there are probably only a few players the Celtics would want to sign, and the team will probably remain close to the same as last season. The Celtics biggest interest will be in the Center and Point Guard positions, I would have to believe. Also, our payroll was well over the salary cap last year and will be well over the salary cap again this year if major changes are not made. I'm not going into the rulebook of the NBA salary cap because it is between "US tax code" and "Boston's road system" on the list of World's Most Convoluted Things. Just know that generally speaking, the further over it you are, the more money you will have to pay to the NBA on top of the salaries you pay. Although no one wants to pay luxury taxes, this might not be a big deal to our owners, cause they are filthy füçĸîñg rich (note my censoring, which makes the censored word virtually impossible to read). So...

Look for the Celtics to try to try to make a serious bid for either:

Chris Andersen

Zaza Pachulia

or Marcin Gortat.

Andersen and Pachulia are both unrestricted, but each has a catch. Denver may be under pressure to offer Andersen a lot of money (more than we would) or face fan wrath (they love him over there). Pachulia was making $4M (aka more than he deserves), though he has played under Doc's coaching before and claimed that he would accept less to play for a better team than ATL. Gortat, who looks exactly like you would expect a guy named "Gortat" to look, is a restricted free agent making small money, and will probably receive a few offers. Ultimately, I expect Orlando to match any offers and keep him. I think one of these three guys will end up here, and I'm leaning towards Andersen. He's got the edge defensively, he would probably be cheaper than Zaza, he is a well-liked player, and in fitting with the above strategy, shined in the play-offs. Zaza has the bigger size (barely), but he was out-rebounded and out-blocked by the stronger Andersen last season, so who cares.

As for the point guard position, if they do drop Marbury, and I think they will, I believe the Celtics will try to use their lousy draft position and hope to get lucky or work on a trade. Both of these scenarios have a problem though. Unless they are thinking D-league or future draft picks, the trade scenario seems unlikely because as I mentioned, I think the Celtics have a team they are happy with and want to leave it relatively unchanged. We gave up our first round pick back in the KG trade, so our only pick will be number 58 out of 60. Luckily there will be plenty of point guards in the draft this year. My prediction is either:

Scottie Reynolds

or Curtis Jerrells

or settling for A.J. price if both the other two are taken (although if Darren Collison or Patrick Mills are still available, which is not bloody likely, the C's would grab either). I think the Celtics would prefer Reynolds, but what do I know. He has a good chance of lasting until the end of the draft too. Another option may be that the C's try to make a trade for a better draft pick and try to score some of the better point guard talent in the draft. What they would trade, to whom and what position it would get them leaves too many variables for me to bother speculating, though. I will say that if someone would take Giddens or D-league guys, I bet the C's would make this trade if they thought it could get them Collison or Mills, but like I said, I'm not even going to go there.

So, assuming everyone back to best health for 2009-2010, my best guess (guess meaning speculation meaning not actually the case) for a depth chart goes like this:

Centers
1. Kendrick Perkins

Power Forwards
1. Kevin Garnett
2. Glen Davis
3. Leon Powe
4. Chris Andersen
5. Brian Scalabrine

Small Forwards
1. Paul Pierce
2. Bill Walker

Shooting Guards
1. Ray Allen
2. Tony Allen
3. Eddie House
4. J.R. Giddens

Point Guards
1. Rajon Rondo
2. Gabe Pruitt
3. Scottie Reynolds

This works because some of the PF's can play C and some of the SG can play SF. The Celtics may even try to sign a PG like Sessions or Miller and draft a big guy, but I see this as less likely since there are a few cheap big guys in the FA's and a lot of PG's in the draft. The biggest question mark for me is whether Powe and Davis will receive large enough offers that the Celtics will have trouble matching for both players. This may lead to Mikki Moore sticking around in place of one of them, or a move for another cheap big. Again, this is about what I am hoping for (within reason), not a prediction of the future.

I'm no baby like the guys on TV afraid to make predictions, so please comment and tell me if you have different or similar hopes as I do for a 2009 roster... or if these are delusion thoughts from fantasy island.

P.S. - There is a lot of contradictory information online about players' contracts and when they are up. I have found sites that claim Tony Allen and Gabe Pruitt are free agents this year, and others that say they are not until next year. I think that they are free agents next year, but if I'm wrong, this changes everything. Please let me know either way if you have definite answers here.

Why I'm routing for Orlando

2009-06-06T12:08:00.004-04:00

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They aren't the Lakers.

Why I'm routing for Denver

2009-05-27T01:21:00.000-04:00

Eat it, Kobe.

Game 3 tonight will be played without head-slapping D-bags

2009-05-08T14:58:00.008-04:00

So guess what we beat Chicago in game 7, then lost game 1 at home and won game 2. Now you're up to speed, cause I know you read only this website

Anyways, game 3 is on tonight in Orlando. The Magic's starting point guard, Rafer Alston will be absent from the building because of this very feminine move :
And yes, Tupac, Orlando did feel the wrath of a menace after this. A 31-point wrath!

So I would say the current point guard match up will hopefully be exploited by the Celtics, since Rondo played his ass off again yesterday and Johnson, while not a bad player, doesn't start and isn't as good. Perkins had a hell of a game in game two and I would be surprised if they don't try to use him the same way: drive at (well maybe "drive at" is a strong word... "lumber toward" might be more appropriate) Howard and get him in foul trouble (and if he doesn't foul, chances are it's an easy 2). If points in the paint is the Celtic's thing, and it is, that strategy would make sense. And my god, if House can stay hot and our passing is good, we really can't lose. We got a career night out of House when we needed it most: Pierce had a tough night with only 3 points. You can't expect him to score 31 points again, but you shouldn't expect Pierce to score only 3 points again.

And I just wanted to mention Rondo's dunk in game 2 was so good. Watch this now before the NBA removes the video from youtube!

And I believe this was for his 11th point and a triple double.

OK, can't wait for 7 o clock!

Chicago and Boston fans' mental toughness is at its end.

2009-05-02T13:32:00.005-04:00

Del Nego gets a chubby as he comes to pull Hinrich away from Rondo after the tantrum they both threw. (Sorry Vinny, I had to).

So if you missed Thursday night's game, there's nothing I can say that can really capture it for you.

triple overtime loss. There, how's that?

Every game we play, I get worried when Noah comes in. Not because I think he's that good of a player, which, he is getting there, but because out of every player out there, he seems to want to win the most. There is no better example of this than his last steal and dunk to close out game 6 for the Bulls. My hat is off to that lanky bastard. My hat is also off to Ray Allen who scored fifty-bleepin-one points!

Aside from that hmm... Rondo, had it not been for his assisting frenzy (19), had a pretty tough night, scoring-wise. First of all, he's lucky he didn't get ejected for hip-tossing Hinrich into the scorer's table. It was awesome, by the way, but it was early in the game, and initially called a flagrant 2, (which I would have agreed with), and after discussion, downgraded it to a 1, which I was thankful for. Um, OK, you're averaging a triple-double this series, NOT A GOOD TIME TO TAKE UP GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING, RONDO! The league has ruled that no further actions are going to be taken (phew!). If the next game wasn't the 7th, I bet he would have been suspended. I think this is an act of mercy on the league's part since we don't have KG or Powe and game 7 is of course, the most important of the games.

Then he tries to be paul pierce and gets rejected by... Rose??? Seriously, Doc, I hope that wasn't a play that you designed. I hope that was Rondo's (poor) decision, cause so far, I am wondering if it's the coaches' or the players' fault that we tend to sh*t the bed in overtimes this series. If you just watch all the OTs back to back you will see that we struggle shooting quite often, commit atrocious fouls, forget to defend, and don't pass well. In the overtimes we don't lose (which all end in ties and eventual losses later, except game 5), it always comes down to one player (so far it's been either Pierce or Allen) saving the rest of the team's skin, and they are both such good players that it sorta works. Pierce did it in game 5, Allen tried to do it in several games. But I'll take a team of five over Pierce and 4 obvious decoys in any OT. I understand the concept of a "go-to guy" but you need more than 1/5 on the floor to play well in overtime, and Chicago knows that, but we don't seem to get it yet. Our best bet tonight is to just win in regulation, as tough as that sounds, cause our overtime minutes are kinda scary.

Give Chicago credit, though, WE are supposed to be the calm collected veteran team in these situations, but:
Game 1: OT, CHI wins
Game 2: no OT, BOS wins
Game 3: no OT, BOS wins
Game 4: OT, CHI wins
Game 5: OT, Pierce wins
Game 6: OT, CHI wins
I'm just sayin...

I know the pressure is on and everyone feels it regardless of their veteran status, but if you told me that Chicago would win 3/4 overtime games in the series, I would have laughed in your face.

So here's hoping I get to bitch about Orlando in the next week... Aw hell, I'm sure I'll be doing taht anyways. Enjoy game 7, Amigos!

Howard to transition into the UFC; media, coaches all crap pants.

2009-04-30T13:23:00.009-04:00

So Dwight Howard clocked 76er's center Samuel Dalembert with a Chuck Liddell-esque elbow to the domepiece (see video below).

He was probably learning from his former teammate, Brian Cook (See Figure 1).

Figure 1. Brian Cook elbows Lebron while he was eating a lemon in front of some ridiculous, taped-up, camera-wired cyber-see-saw.

Anyways, several things worth mentioning came out of this:

1) Howard gets a one game suspension, this increases the chance of the 76'ers winning. I'd rather face Philly than Orlando not because I think Orlando can beat us to four wins, but because it will probably be a longer series (with Orlando) than if we played the 76'ers. I think we are gonna want as much rest/practice as possible going up against the Lebrons.

2) Howard gets a technical foul for this. I will repeat that. Howard gets a T for an intentional elbow to a dude's head. I am so sick of the refs giving stars breaks like that. So Kudos to the woman from Sportscenter in this interview for pointing out that since he's a star he has a chance to get away with it.

So, let me get this straight... everyone's talking about how clear and obvious this was but at the time, it only draws a technical foul??? Then later on national TV someone mentions that since he's a star, the league is allowed to be inconsistant and break their own rules. Then even later they decide to suspend him for a game. Strange sequence of events... right? Clearly the refs saw him throw the elbow or no technical foul would have been given. MAKE THE CORRECT GOD DAMN CALL THE FIRST TIME. Meanwhile Rondo does some mid-air impromptu dental work on Brad Miller with no flagrant, not even a T, but since no one seems to care, then the officials must have "got the call right." Sure...

3) Hilarious Coach V Coach throw-down ensues. Tony DiLeo and Stan Van Gundy are preparing their battle raps as we speak. This is from NBA.com:

"Dwight Howard had a great game, and he's a great player, but he just lives in the 3-second lane on offense and defense," DiLeo said. "I'm just saying he's standing in the 3-second lane on offense and defense. He's a great player, and he doesn't need any advantages."

Magic coach Stan Van Gundy heard DiLeo's remarks, took the podium and defended his star center by mocking DiLeo.
"Am I supposed to come up here and talk about the game? Or am I supposed to come up here and lobby for the calls I want the next game?" Van Gundy said. "Is that what it's about now? We're supposed to lobby for the calls we want the next game? Let's just play the games.
"I guess that's the only reason Dwight's having success in this series. It has nothing to do with the fact that he's good."

Everytime he speaks, I hate Van Gundy more. And to be fair, this is kind of whiny and bitchy on DiLeo's part, but he's right, clearly Howard has come down with a case of the dreaded...

Oh good god, not the Shaq Flu! That's right ladies and gentlemen, The Shaq-Flu Pandemic is upon us!!! Soon everyone will be seeking out painted rectangles and standing in them for well over three seconds without being at arms reach from anyone!!! Anyways, tasteless flu jokes and more bad photoshopping aside, DiLeo has a valid concern which he voiced at maybe the wrong place and time. Van Manatee responds by making fun of him and saying, "So what if Dwight and I get unfair treatment? Stop whining and get your funders to shell out the big bucks for a penalty-proof all-star."

When will the NBA figure out it's own rules? Well, it starts will the troll in charge, so... never.

Um, go Celtics.

All aboard the P.P. Express!

2009-04-29T14:53:00.024-04:00

"AHH I AM GOING TO EAT THIS CEREAL SO HARD!"

Piss-poor photoshoping aside, This is why I rock the #34 jersey:

00:10.5
[BOS 93-93]

Pierce Jump Shot: Made (20 PTS) Assist: Rondo (10 AST)

01:17
[BOS 102-101]

Pierce Step Back Jump shot: Made (22 PTS)

00:36.5
[BOS 104-101]

Pierce Step Back Jump shot: Made (24 PTS)

00:03.4
[BOS 106-104]

Pierce Pullup Jump shot: Made (26 PTS)

00:00.0
[BOS 106-104]

Pierce single-handedly smites Chicago in OT (pwnsauce)

It just seemed like this time, the Bulls had no answer for Paul Pierce and his string of deadly-accurate jump shots which gave the Celtics the win in yet ANOTHER obscenely close game. And it wasn't one of those back and forth games, this time both teams were going on runs, and when it came to the fourth quarter that's what the Celtics needed, and got, from Rondo and Ray Allen. With about seven minutes left Rondo delivered two lay-ups and Allen hit a crucial three, as he oft does, to bring the celtics to within three before immediately fouling-out, which he ne'er does.

The Bulls would fight back and take the lead by two with 10 seconds left with a ridiculous, off-balance shot by Ben Gordon ignoring an aggravated hamstring injury. This guy is serious. I never really paid attention to him until this series, but he has some great offense in his game. But don't worry friends, Captain Clutch ties it at 93, Gordon misses the potential game-winner with Baby (if my memory serves me) in his face, and the historic game goes into OT (this was the first playoff series with three OT games).

Rondo again puts up the best numbers in the game for the Celtics by shooting 55% (100% from threetown [2/2]) contributing 28 points, 11 assists and 8 rebounds. Series MVP already? Davis gave 21 to the cause by shooting almost 2 for every 3. Perk, lest we forget blocked seven shots and grabbed 19 rebounds, not to mention showing a sliver of agility on two hard lay-up drives. Ray Allen with a relatively quiet night scoring 10 and fouling out with 5+ minutes left, but he did hit a very important three as I mentioned earlier to get the Celtics back in the game late.

So, our starters all came up huge last night which is a good thing, but not all is well with this win. The ugly underside? The Celtic bench scored a grand total of five points for the entire game. That just plain sucks. Granted, the starting line-up minus Allen played more than 40 minutes each (Pierce, Perk and Rondo all played around 50 minutes), and if that's what it takes to win then sure, but TA played 17 and didn't score, house played 10 and didn't score, Scal and Marbury combined for 23 minutes and got the five bench points. So they had playing time... This didn't cost us the game because Rose didn't explode like he can, the starting forward battle was handily won by Pierce and Davis (47 to 29) and we had home court advantages aka several breaks from the refs, but in this league you never want to rely on the refs.
(Speaking of which, we got a potentially big break with 2 seconds left in OT when Rondo facemask'ed Miller and they did not call the obvious flagrant foul. David Stern agrees with his refs because either he doesn't know the rules either or he owes them a favor for all the illegitimate cash they've made him.)

So back to Chicago we go, up by 1 game, let's hope for another game 3.

Like a nagging case of the [insert your VD of choice here], the Bulls just won't go away.

2009-04-28T00:17:00.017-04:00

The Celtics lost, but this picture should cheer you up. "Scalabrine... GO!"

So it seems that the 09 Celtics and Bulls are kinda like equal but opposite forces. They match up well and most of their games are such close calls that even my girlfriend who doesn't give a damn about sports was biting her nails with tension.

Let's keep this one brief. It was a great game, Ray Allen saved our asses for the thousandth time and sent the game into OT, where somehow the Bulls were able to tie the score by the end of the 5 minutes, despite being outplayed for the majority of it. The Celtics then clearly decided that they had already won because they did not come out onto the court for the second OT.

The fact is, in the five minutes of the first OT, the Celtics seemed to have tried everything they could to keep the Bulls in it (they would outplay them, and then do something like, oh I don't know... a clear path foul with 5 PF's and a not-substantial lead!!!).That's generous guys, but next time, lets just win the game.

Hey on the bright side, here are some jokes: What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard! What has 10 arms and sucks? The starting line of the New Orleans Hornets who dropped a little more than half as many points as their competitors! Wow, good work guys! Their forwards combined for an earth-shattering 24 points, their guards dropped a face-melting, bowel-shaking 13, and their Tyson Chandlers notched a truly history-changing, mind-bending, paradigm-shifting 0 points. You know that when your starters have that kind of night, the wins are ripe for the picking... Or you one-night-stand'ed the NBA play-off God and never called but instead left a fake phone number keyed into the side of his Godmobile which you previously siphoned all the Godgas out of. What were you thinking, Byron Scott?

Moral of the story: The Celtics WILL win game 5 AND this series, they will bitch-slap either the Magic or 76'ers back to the bronze age and be glad you aren't a Hornets fan.

My secret hope: Google (this site's owner) will allow Blogger.com to employ software engineers rather than retired schoolbus drivers to do their code so that my posts don't change font and size halfway through without me having any say in the matter.

Takes it, Makes It, Chicago hates it.

2009-04-24T22:04:00.010-04:00

"I'd bet there wasn't even a whistle"

So Chicago went and got crushed last night. Pierce started the game like a gorilla on steroids, Rondo's numbers were: 20 points, 11 rebounds, 6 assists, a three and 5 steals (It sucks to lose Garnett, it sucks to lose Powe, but with the way Rondo's been playing, thank god he's made of rubber). Scal came in, got made fun of by the announcers immediately and hit a three, Glen (Davis) had 6 steals (???) to go with his 9 boards 6 assists and 14 points. The guys shot almost 50% for the night, and had 13 turnovers to Chi-town's 22. If they keep this level up, I think Noah's fro-ny tail is gonna catch fire.

Meanwhile Chicago looked like they were having an intelligence failure of massive proportions... and with Del N00bro as their coach, I bet that's exactly what happened. They forgot they had the rookie of the year, which is odd because they held the award ceremony literally minutes before the game. Ben Gordon went from being lights-out shooting in game 2 to shooting as if the lights were out in game 3. They probably flipped a coin each non-possession to see whether or not they would play defense... Let's just say, if I was a Bulls fan, I'd be pretty mad.

Part of me thinks that home court hurt the bulls this game due to the pressure, but then again, it could have been KG reflecting the light off his ridiculous diamond studs into their eyes at critical moments.

Game four prediction: Pierce/Rondo/Allen - 382 points, Bulls - 10 points and 172 turnovers.

Make it stop! Powe tears ACL, out for season...and beyond?

2009-04-21T14:42:00.000-04:00

So How Bout them Patriots? Garnett out for Playoffs, Re-peat all but out of reach

2009-04-16T09:46:00.002-04:00

From the Globe blog:

In an interview this morning on Boston sports radio station WEEI, Celtics coach Doc Rivers said it was likely that Kevin Garnett would not be ready to play at all in the playoffs. "After today there's no way he can play," said Rivers, who left open the possibility his star could return at some point in the postseason but was not optimistic.

Celtics use the big guns and shoot hawks right out of the sky, sports writers everywhere are overjoyed about easy pun possibilities

2009-04-03T21:51:00.004-04:00

Well the celtics sweep the season series against Atlanta. It wasn't easy (except for tonight), but that's a great sign considering last year's play-off series against them, and the fact that the hawks are a better team this year than last year.

Kendrick, my favorite player, just denies fools like college and tallies SEVEN blocks tonight (and a huge one with 1:50 left in Double OT on 4/1). The guys over at Perkisabeast.com must be proud. Davis comes up with one with 2:23 left to play that absolutely resounded through the garden. Rondo continues to master the PG position, Pierce proves he still can only be stopped by two or more defenders and Ray Allen completely dispatches with some jungle-haired woman in the crowd. Ray Allen, after coming off an amazing double-OT against charlotte (during which, I would like to mention, he came up with what I consider to be one of the best steals of the year with 2:24 left and then immediately followed it up with a crucial three-pointer) had all the confidence in the world and hit key shots early which kept the game competitive. It would remain close until the fourth. The Celts kept the intensity up and Atlanta just petered out.

Overall, this is one of the better games the green has played this season. Low turnovers (relatively speaking), Mikki is improving noticeably game by game, same with Big Baby, Tony Allen came in and used that repaired thumb to totally strip a ball (good to see that it's healed). House continues to make shots and at this point I am surprised every time his jump shot misses. Marbury had a few great plays tonight on offense and defense... I mean, it's nice to be a celtics fan right now. I can't even think up a complaint.

After five (5) days of rest we get to burn the Nets like NBA Jam (YES ANOTHER NBA JAM REFERENCE) but for now, I'm going to go home.

Also, I would like to note that Orlando is handing Cleveland its collective ass on a mickey-mouse-shaped platter. They end up winning 116 to87 (hahahahaha).

So... Kirk Snyder Smashed Through His Neighbor's Door and Beat the Crap Out of Him

2009-04-02T12:18:00.003-04:00

...ALLEGEDLY

I am no Kirk Snyder expert, but this seems like it came out of nowhere. He's hooping it up in China after his NBA career fizzled, living in the boonies of Ohio, and he's breaking into his neighbor's house to deliver a random beat-down? Is this typical Kirk Snyder behavior? Maybe the victim was confusing him with the other gigantic professional basketball player living in Deerfield Township, Ohio... so the jury is still out. Or, perhaps this "victim" did something horrible to Kirk. Or, perhaps, Kirk Snyder is a dangerous maniac. All three are possibilities.

Kirk Snyder is now playing basketball in China, but early Monday morning police say he broke into a townhouse in the Beacon Hill community and beat a resident in his bed.

The Warren County Sheriffs Office responded to the burglary call.

Caller: "Please help us, my neighbor came and broke into my house and attacked my husband. His jaw, I think it's broken."
Dispatcher:" And he just ran through the glass?"
Caller: " He broke right through the glass. He's like seven feet tall and he beat my husband. Please hurry. My husband's not in good shape."

Kirk Snyder lives five doors from the victims. Beacon Hill subdivision is new-- and the few people who live here say they rarely saw the former NBA star because he was overseas playing basketball.

Not a good career move.

RAY ALLEN HITS A MILLION THREES AS CELTICS BEAT BOBCATS IN DOUBLE OT

2009-04-02T10:44:00.003-04:00

Ray Allen loves to torture the Bobcats, who in turn love to torture me by playing the Celtics tough almost every time they play. I watch the whole game by myself in the dark, mumbling "f-ing Bobcats" over and over again. Nothing brings me greater happiness than the Celtics beating the piss out of a team in the first half so I can go to bed early.

But, this one was pretty fun- Ray Allen was bombing clutch threes like he was the computer in NBA Jam. Remember how you always needed a four point lead in that game in order to win? The Bobcats could have had a three point lead with two seconds left with Gerald Wallace flying through the air doing a hundred flips, prepared to boom shakalaka, and Ray Allen would have somehow shoved him midair, picked up the loose ball, and bombed it in from his own baseline. He could not be denied.

He covered up for some truly awful performances from his front line. Perkins was handling the ball as if it were a live explosive (7 turnovers). Big Baby was 1-4 from the floor in 39 minutes. Mikki Moore had 5 fouls in 13 minutes. Mikki plays defense like he's a groper on a subway car. An opposing player is just standing there and Mikki comes sprinting in, grabs the guy's tits and grinds on him.

The other interesting little nugget from this game is that the Celtics are now in second place in the East. That's great, because the Pistons are in seventh place and Iverson is hinting that he wants to retire. What a teammate. I know they're the Pistons, with all that fake mystique, but they are a complete shitshow. If both teams stay put, that would be a tasty first round matchup for our C's. Much better than facing Dwayne Wade, the refs, and the rest of the Miami Heat in round 1. This scenario admittedly isn't likely considering that the Pistons are spiraling out of control and the Bulls are finally getting their act together... but a boy can dream, can't he?

Howie Long is a Colossal Douchebag

2009-03-31T16:51:00.002-04:00

I am not one of those dudes that has a sticker of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo in the back of my car, but these Howie Long commercial spots that are all over every televised basketball game are driving me to pee on Chevy trucks myself. Who needs Calvin? Who does this Howie Long troglodyte think he is, accosting strangers in parking lots and insulting their trucks?

Here's the first one. Is Howie Long really in the position to be insulting other people's man-steps?

Here's a hardworking dude, using a convenient step on the back of his pickup, and here comes Howie Long with his flat top and sarcastic attitude. What's wrong with having a man-step? You can conveniently walk into your truck bed? What's the alternative, taking a running start and doing your best Edwin Moses imitation? Crawling into it like you're storming the beach and crawling for cover at Normandy? What's wrong with a step? Something about it isn't manly, according the Minister of Manliness, Howie Long. "Hey, you left your man-step down!" To which this dude should have responded with a "f*** you" and a hail of gunfire.

Howie certainly looks tough coming out of nowhere to dis a hardworking yet schlubby white guy with a bad beard. I wonder if he'd have the same confidence making fun of Stephen Jackson's man-step. Jack has opened fire on one-armed men for less than that.

Then there's the commercial where Howie walks up to a guy in the parking lot and demands to know if this guy's new truck is good on gas. First of all- what the hell? When the guy chickens out and his voice quivers a "19 highway" - Howie gives a snide remark as he steps into his Chevy Silverado. What an asshole. I am scraping the recesses of my brain to think of an actual sociopath I know that would engage is such hostile behavior. Who wants to buy something from this guy? And don't these advertisers know that when you dis the competition, you end up looking worse than them? Again, I ask of an advertiser- who is the target demographic here? Are there lots of March Madness fans that gleefully watch a windbag with a white man flattop harassing strangers about their trucks in random parking lots?

Thankfully, there's the payoff. Howie with a "big girl" pointing at his undoubtedly very manly wee wee. Well executed. You've successfully transformed your pitchman into a creepy kid-toucher.

Way to go Chevy, employ a pedophilic wiseass with a terrible haircut to troll parking lots, sarcastically mocking the much more appealing human beings driving your competition. Awesome strategy. Thank goodness you didn't leave your man-step down, or you'd really look stupid.

What the CRAP was that?

2009-03-26T15:40:00.016-04:00

Heil Coach Manatee!

Sigh... That's the sentiment I had after the 82 - 84 loss in Orlando last night.

After a rough first half for the Celtics, they started to slowly crawl back in a comeback that lasted all the way until the final buzzer. If the fourth quarter was, say, an extra 2 minutes longer, the Celtics would have edged out the Magic for the win.

First off, as I*Heart*Celtics' foremost bitch-about-the-refs guy, I'd like to add that since the game was played in Orlando, the rules that we had to play by were of course changed. I mean, just little things, like for instance playing defense or attempting to block a shot, were of course only allowed if you had a big gay star-y comet logo on your jersey. And minor details like felony assault and battery were not really called if your team's city is a ring of a crime with a disney-y center.

With that said, I will admit that the Celtics were generally outplayed. Our first half defense was straight from the Sun's defensive playbook (First rule of Sun's basketball, you do not talk about defense. Second rule of Sun's Basketball... you get the idea). I'd like to personally thank Hedo for missing all those open looks we gave him, but other members of the Magic were more fortunate. Now I know that when you are the NBA's 3-point shooting team, AND you have an inside man like Howard, the other team's D gets stretched, but that was not the issue here. We have seen the Celtics defend the Magic well in the past, it seemed like this time they were just not interested.

Also, I have to hand it to the Magic, no-calls aside, they played great defense. They played the kind of defense that they... nay, WE are known for. Combine this with the refs, our lazy-ass first half, and subtract Powe, TA, and a KG down the stretch, this becomes a game that I am glad to have only lost by two. The Celtics put together a great come-back bid by the end of the game, but it just fell short. They went to playmaker Pierce, which I could not second-guess Doc for, but for the last chance hoop, maybe a pass to Ray or House might have been just the unexpected thing we needed to fake out the Orlando D and get an easy look. We had been going to Pierce and it was working, I think everyone in the world was expected the ball to go back to him and it did. He then drove into an entirely not-surprised wall of Orlando-y justice which terminated his lay-up with extreme prejudice. Again, I am not criticizing, but maybe a surprise play would have been a good idea.

Other points of note:

It's good to see that Moore's fouling prowess is still top notch. "A three-pointer you say? How about three, one-pointers and a foul?" says Mikki. "Fine with me." said Rashard Lewis (who I really want to call "Richard Lewis" but am resisting... or am i?). 4 in almost 12 minutes, so at least he would have lasted more than a quarter of play. (side note, don't tell me this isn't a big deal. Moore is a guy we got in hopes of solid, big-guy minutes from and we got a "Do not pass go, go directly into the penalty" community chest card. on a side note to that side note: if Lewis missed that 3 and Mikki doesn't foul, Celts win by one point).

KG's 16.5 minutes looked OK, nothing amazing. You can tell how this team missed his defensive presence in this one though, especially with Howard stomping around with diplomatic immunity and grabbing 21 boards.

Van Gundy was bitching, before the game, about how people acknowledge the fact that the C's have a lot of inju... wait why I am spending time on what escapes that manatee's facehole?

So now we are 3rd in the East, under the Lebron's and the Magic. Whatever, not worried, peace out.

IT AIN'T ROCKET SCIENCE. CELTICS POUND CLIPPERS: 90-77

2009-03-24T10:36:00.007-04:00

Beating the clippers is like making-out with a 'Butter-face'd' girl at a keg party. Its nothing to be proud of, but after a couple of beers you'll certainly take the victory. It seems like every time the Celtics need a pick-me-up, the Clippers are there for them. After going through a rocky month, the Celtics had won 3 in a row and this game was the perfect spring board into a full-out win-streak.Let me break this game down for you.

The Clippers got destroyed last night because they are terrible. Asking why the Clippers are terrible is like asking why my fat-ass neighbor who eats at Burger King four times-a-day keeps getting heart attacks. First off, Donald Sterling is their owner. In addition to having some sort of curse over his teams, he also happens to be a complete idiot/douchebag. Not a good combination when owning a sports franchise. Their best player when he wants to be is Baron Davis. After Elton Brand bailed on the team, he decided he did not want to be the best player and decided to be a team cancer instead. To replace Brand they acquired Zach Randolph. Arguably the poster child of the Isiah Thomas Knicks. On the upside they have an aging Marcus Camby, a German Chris Kamen, and some decent young talent in Al Thornton and Eric Gordon. Not enough to save a ship that is not only sinking, but covered in napalm, burning baby seals as they swim by. Did I mentioned their coach is disgruntled?

With enough problems to cripple a small country, the Clippers needed little assistance to get the loss last night. Boston was happy to comply. Having KG back, the Celtic's intensity has been at an all-time high. They were not looking for a win, last night, they were looking for a dog-fight. The dog they were ready to fight turned out to be a drunken-racoon, so they mauled it to death anyway.

Thats four in a row for the Celtics, and "no one gives a sh*t" for the Clippers. As long as the Celitcs stay healthy, look for them to ride this win-streak straight into the playoffs.

LEAGUE FINES ROGUE REF UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT

2009-03-20T01:42:00.003-04:00

ALSO FINE DOC $25,000 FOR CHICAGO BROUHAHA

I wish I knew the history of refs getting fined better. The last time I remember it happening was when Joey Crawford flipped out on Tim Duncan. Well, it happened again- Bill Kennedy was fined an "undisclosed amount" by the league. Well deserved, it looked like he was actively goading Doc. People were commenting that Doc's comments after the game were ridiculous, as if the ref couldn't have possibly been such a dick to him, but it looked weird in live time and we believed the good Doctor. He may be a wildly erratic X's and O's coach, but he's not a ref abuser. Someone post the video of the exchange on Youtube already, but take solace in the fact that Doc's good name has been cleared!

Celtics Win the Division!

2009-03-19T12:15:00.004-04:00

EVEN INJURED DWAYNE WADE WONDERS WHO "CHRIS QUINN" IS AND WHY HE IS IN THE NBA

These were two weird teams to watch. The Celtics were without half their team, and the Heat were without DWade. Just as soon as I was getting used to Jermaine the Drain being on Toronto he got traded to the Heat, so it was weird seeing Perkins lay the smacketh down on Jermaine in a Heat uniform. However, Mario Chalmers decided to go bananas and this game was closer than it probably should have been. Big Baby played really well in his first game back. Mikki Moore did his thing, which is foul out in 17 minutes. Stephon even looked good dishing the ball (6 assists against 1 turnover). Looking at the box score, Bill Walker had an amazing -24 +/-, which has to be close to an NBA record for a winning team.

Paul Pierce was appropriately obnoxious when discussing the title:

The division title "really doesn't mean anything to the Boston Celtics," Pierce said. "They don't put that banner up. Maybe in other arenas they put that banner up, but here it really doesn't mean a thing."

Awesome. The Celtics take on the Spurs on Friday.

Salmons Spawns All Over Celtics' Faces

2009-03-18T10:09:00.003-04:00

DISRESPECTFUL TO DO ON ST. PATTY'S DAY OF ALL DAYS

The Chicago Bulls have been on a weird little run recently, beating the piss out of the Hornets the other night. They didn't do that to the Celtics, but this was a weird game. First, I just have to get this out of the way, but I hate the Bulls' green jerseys and the whole game was distracting. To make matters more confusing, John Salmons was torching the Celtics on the perimeter and Brad Miller was all over the place. The two of them combined to shoot 21-32 from the field and score 59 points. Brad Miller was a +19. What the hell!? Salmons, to me, is always that guy that is included in trades every year just to make the money match up. Brad Miller was suspended for violating the league's substance policy and most of us presumed he would wash out of the league. But he hasn't, at all, much to my chagrin last night. The only silver lining of the game was the hilarious ejection that Doc Rivers was served with under 30 seconds to go. Here's what Doc has to say about it:

Rivers, meanwhile, was irate after he got whistled for his second technical foul with 29.8 seconds left. That led to an automatic ejection and a rant against referee Bill Kennedy.

Rivers claimed he was goaded and called it "the most unprofessional tech I've ever had ... [Kennedy] stood there and goaded me and goaded me and goaded me and stared at me," Rivers said. "Look at the film. I actually walked away. He asked me, 'Where do you want the ball?' And I said, 'Ask them,' talking about our players. That's my right to say that, and I walked away. He stood there and stared me down and stared me down and goaded me until I turned around and said, 'What?' That's when I got thrown out of the game."

If you're wondering if the ejection was as awkward as it sounds, it was more awkward than that. It reminded me of this scene in Royal Tenenbaums, with Gene Hackman playing Kennedy and Danny Glover playing Doc Rivers. In fact, I think when Kennedy ejected Doc he said "I want your raggedy ass out!"

The Celtics continued to be tormented by idiotic turnovers that lead to easy baskets for the opposition. I have accepted that this will never change for this team. The Celtics also continued to be tormented by people getting injured, as Ray Allen went down with a bad elbow late in the game. He's day-to-day. Don't worry, I'm sure Stephon Marbury, the 0-2, 2 turnover in 13 minutes dynamo is ready to step in.

The Celtics will play San Antonio on Friday. I would be resigned to a loss if the Spurs didn't just get toasted by the Oklahoma City Thunder. Then again, the Celtics just lost to the Bucks. Call it a wash. Prediction- Bill Walker's interior defense and antagonism leads to a low scoring affair for the Spurs. Celtics 65, Spurs 8.

Sean Williams Arrested at Denver Mall

2009-03-17T15:36:00.003-04:00

IMMEDIATELY JOINS NBA ARREST HALL OF FAME

From the Washington Post:

Nets F Sean Williams was arrested yesterday at a cellphone store in a mall in suburban Denver on accusations that got into an argument with a clerk and threw a computer monitor. He wasn't available to play against the Nuggets last night.

At about 2 p.m. yesterday, officers responded to a disturbance at a cellphone store at the Park Meadows Mall, Detective Sgt. Ron Pinson of the Lone Tree police said.

Damages were estimated at $1,200 to $1,300, he said.

From a slightly less credible source, called Wikipedia, with no citation, we get this hilarious anecdote:

On March 16, 2009, Williams was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and criminal mischief after an altercation at a cell phone store at Park Meadows Mall in Lone Tree, CO[3]. Sean's behavior allegedly became aggressive when he found he was unable to purchase an iPhone due to lack of identification. He told an employee, "Your policy may be I need an ID, but my policy is I get what I want when I want". After destroying an AT&T monitor, he was arrested by the Lone Tree Police Department.

Now, my interactions with my cell phone carrier, which rhymes were Borizon, have often made me angry. We all know that cell phone companies are basically evil. However, if they are torturing you, call the Better Business Bureau. Shoot an email off to Consumerist. At the very least, get someone in your posse to get into an argument with a clerk and chuck the computer monitor. Don't do it yourself, especially a week after you got arrested on your old school's campus for mysterious reasons!

I used to defend Sean Williams. He's a smart guy, I would say. He almost got the same SAT score as David Robinson, I would say. I wouldn't let people get away with labeling him as a troublemaker when all he seemed to do is get caught for things that probably half of his teammates were also doing, i.e. smoking pot. Then he got booted from the team, and I started to hear stories about him that grew increasingly ridiculous. If you want to hear some ridiculous stories, ask someone who knew him at BC. My zeal for defending him waned, and now it looks like he chucked his last computer monitor as a member of the New Jersey Nets. NBA players do a lot of insane things, but trashing a cell phone store at 2 in the afternoon, in Denver of all places, takes a special type of NBA dumbass. Our prediction? Sean breaks his policy of getting what he wants when he gets released.

Carl Landry Shot While Getting Fast Food, Will Only Miss 1-2 Weeks

2009-03-17T13:02:00.002-04:00

Carl Landry got home to Houston at 12:30am, went home, and then went out to get some fast food at 4:30am. He was then rear ended, got out of the car to inspect the damage and he was shot at while the other car drove away by two of the stupidest criminals in world history. Police aren't really sure what these criminals were trying to accomplish, but I'm pretty sure they failed. Landry is one of the players in the NBA that I would looooove to have on the Celtics and this story makes him even more badass. Not only was he doing the power move of getting fast food at 4:30am, he got shot in a driveby and he's going to be back playing hoops in a couple weeks. The Houston Chronicle is saying 1-3 weeks. Meanwhile T-Mac has taken the whole year off with itchy bunghole syndrome.

Celtics Dominate Something!

2009-03-17T09:57:00.003-04:00

...UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S THE 'MOST HATED PLAYERS' LIST AND THEY STILL WOULDN'T HAVE WON WITHOUT KG

Bustabucket has come out with the top 10 most hated NBA players. It's a fine list with good graphics, but as it is intended to do- I must voice my displeasure.

First of all, Paul Pierce is ranked #9, KG is #7, and Stephon is #3. Kendrick Perkins also was an honorable mention somehow. Stephon I understand because every indication is that he's a horrible person. However, KG and PP are on this list because they won a title and chirped about it. I would like a breakdown of how the "hate" is gauged. I doubt it takes into account the love these players receive to offset the hate. For every person that hates KG and Pierce there is some rando that doesn't watch the NBA that loves them. The list also had some glaring omissions. Here is my top 10 of players that didn't make the list:

10) The Machine - this video captures it all

9) T-Mac - fans of his former teams loathe him, fans of the NBA loathe him, Rockets fans now loathe him. Basically, if you know who T-Mac is, you're hating on him. That should warrant a spot on the list.
8) Vince Carter - the guy who turned "tanking to screw your team over and get traded" into an art form. But, it's not really "art"- it's like the guy that did the Jesus painting with elephant poop. It isn't an art that requires talent, it's an art that simply requires you to be an ass.
7) Anderson Varejao - never has a nation rejoiced over someone getting farted on that when this video came out

6) Carmelo Anthony - this guy should get an honorable mention for being one of the most beloved college players that I can remember and then transforming into a guy that throws Olympic medals into a lake and brags about it on a "stop snitching" video. Then, he gets popped for a DUI. Then, he gets suspended by his own team for being an ass to his teammates.
5) Stephen Jackson - after all, he did beat the crap out of a random dude in the stands while consumed with blind rage. He also just got suspended for piling up technical fouls. However, this video did wonders to make him more cuddly.

4)Ron Artest - although I think most of us are too scared of him to say that we hate him. Thus, he gets a pass.
3) Rasheed Wallace - coach killer, team killer, half-asser, ref abuser. Jemele Hill once said that "there are two sides to Rasheed." Readers out there, if anyone ever says "There are two sides to (insert name here)," (insert name here) is a douche. No exceptions. He also throws towels at people like a sissy.

2) Jermaine O'Neal - Basketbawful calls him "Jermaine the Drain" and that could not be more accurate. He's a whiny, bitchy, team-killing jerkoff. Plus, he has the ability to make every game he is in 25% more boring to watch with his plodding around the post and taking ten minutes to shoot a free throw.
1) Kwame Brown - didn't realize that he was still in the league? Can't think of anyone that still hates him? Well, Michael Jordan hates him with the fury of 10,000 suns. And since MJ is the second-best player ever, his votes count for 50 blogger votes. Had Larry Bird participated, Dr. J and Kurt Rambis would be 1-2.

The Buffalo Wild Wings Commercial Makes Me Puke Blood

2009-03-16T17:22:00.003-04:00

THIS MAN HAD SUCH A BLAST AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS HE WOUND UP IN THE SLAMMER
If you have watched any college basketball in the last two weeks, you know the commercial I am talking about. You know, the one where two teams, "New York" and "Boston" are playing in some kind of XFL-type alternate professional league while the fans of each team are hugging each other. These dudes are having such a friggin' BLAST that they ask- nay- they DEMAND- that the game be sent into overtime. So, the bartender presses his handy dandy New York/Boston button, a random disheveled fatass gets the signal courtside, and uses his laser blaster camera to vaporize the eyeballs of the guy going in for the game-winning layup. And, of course, the alleged fans of this player and this team cheer in ecstacy because they can eat more wings and dole out more hugs for the fans of the other team. You then, presumably, go out and buy some Wild Wings. Awesome.

This commercial has amazingly become more annoying that the karaoke circle jerk commercial featuring Kobe, Michael Phelps, ARod, and Tony Hawk. As much as I hate that commercial, and do I ever- I have learned to respect it. It is so aggressively obnoxious that I have come to believe that there is some sadistic genius behind it all. I can't think of any way it could be more annoying. It's a work of art. I now also believe that it is a clever way to demonstrate that our sports heroes are really just tools that we should all hate. Say what you will about it, at least it's an ethos.

I do not get that same impression with this Buffalo Wild Wings commercial. I get the impression that the sadistic moron behind this commercial trying to call us all idiots and sell us wings. The first time I saw this commercial, I launched into my typical rant about how much I hate commercials that have the horrible fake jerseys when they don't want to pay for the team rights. For instance, that Shaq Icy Hot commercial- I would post a video but the only ones I can find on Youtube are of people putting icy hot on their testicles. So, proceed at your own discretion. Anyway, you know what I am talking about with the fake jerseys. They look terrible, they don't fool anyone, and the company looks cheap.

In this Buffalo Wild Wings commercial, we are treated to "New York" and "Boston"- RIVALRY GAME!!! Only, the players are outfitted with $5 blank jerseys from Eastbay with random colors. One of the teams is maroon. What the crap. I mean, at least put a stupid logo on there. Do the Hollywood thing and call on team "STATE" and the other "TECH"- you are marketing to sports fans, and you are advertising during March Madness! At best, this target audience finds these teams confusing. At worst, they find them as offensive as I do. Would Revlon do a commercial where the models have vicious acne? Would a car commercial show the car driving on the wrong side of the road with a huge bloody dent in the front of it?

Correct me if I am wrong, but has there ever been a fan who has ever preferred that his team go into overtime when they have the opportunity to win? Has there ever been a fan who thought, "I wish this game would NEVER end!"???? Do these clowns have infinite time? When the Celtics do a West Coast trip, I light candles all over my house and pray to the basketball gods that the Celtics will get out to a 45-5 first quarter lead so I can go to bed. But these guys are wearing team jerseys to a Buffalo Wild Wings and cheering with glee when "Simmons," the supposed star of the "Boston" team is practically murdered while going in for a game-winning layup at the buzzer. Who are these maniacs that demand this spectacle? I'll tell you- the same guys that eat dinner in a spacious restaurant- wearing opposing jerseys- arm in arm. I have to say that I haven't seen that, either.

Buffalo Wild Wings- shame on you. Shame! I had never heard of you before this commercial, but now the only thing keeping me from taking my patronage to Hooters instead is the fact that Dickie V does their commercials. That, and there is also the bad memory of being chased down by a Hooters waitress while in high school and loudly being accused of skipping out on the bill in front of an FNX contest giveaway. I was innocent, but good gravy was it was awkward. So, Hooters is out too, and I have nowhere to turn. You two deserve each other, much like the festooned troglodytes embracing each other in that awful commercial. A pox on you both.

Celtics SUCK. Villanuava Twitters Bucks To Victory. 86-77.

2009-03-16T08:19:00.004-04:00

The Celtics have had some cringe-worthy games this year, but yesterday's loss to the Milwaukee Bucks might just take the cake. There were a few bright spots to the game. Most notably, Perk played a ballsy game, scoring a career high 26 points and 12 boards. Besides that everyone pretty much played like ass. Rondo had an exceptionally horrific performance, Doc coached like it was 2005, and I'm convinced Starbury is quietly sucking the life out of this team.

The real story of the game occured at half-time, when Bucks foward Charlie Villanuava "Twittered" from the Bucks locker room. He wrote:

In da locker room, snuck to post my twitt. We're playing the Celtics, tie ball game at da half. Coach wants more toughness. I gotta step up.

Now the post alone is not really a big deal. He did not undermine his coach, or talk sh*t about the Celtics, so its hard to get too bent out of shape. It was more of an "inspirational" Tweet, and to his credit, he torched the Celtics in the second half. More significant is the precedent this sets for professional athletes. Up until recently Twitter has been used primarily as a communication mechanism by nerds, since they are incapable of leaving their house/ talking to women. In the last couple of months however, Celebreties have embraced the micro-blogging platform. Sick of normal people getting any attention, Celebs have put their movies on hold and picked up their laptops. You can now follow the likes of Demi Moore, Brittny Spears, or even MC Hammer, and what their doing every second of the day. While I could give two craps about what time Demi changes Ashton's diaper, more and more professional atheletes are starting to Twitter. This is a dream come-true for any sports fan. Professional athletes can barely drive to work without doing something stupid. Can you imagine how entertaining it will be when they are all on Twitter? Charlie Villanuava "sneaking" off to Twitter during a professional basketball game is only the beggining. Whats next? Twittering form the bench? We can only pray.

Watching the Celtics get their asses handed to them by the Bucks is not my idea of a good time. However, if you give Steph a blackberry and let him "express himself" during the game; the Celtics could be losing by 50 and I'd still watch.

You can follow Charlie Villanuava at Twitter.com/CV31

The Grizzlies Suck

2009-03-13T18:29:00.008-04:00

I don't know which is more surprising, that red thing's head or the fact that the FedEx Forum is almost at capacity.

The Memphis Grizzlies take on the Celtics tonight in the Garden at 7:30. Is this going to be a tough game? Well, in case you are not down with the Grizz, I'll let these tidbits from Celtics.com answer that one:
___
The Grizzlies haven't beaten a winning team on the road all season.

The Grizzlies' 104-79 loss at Minnesota on Wednesday night was especially woeful considering the Timberwolves were playing without their two leading scorers, Al Jefferson and Randy Foye. Memphis was outscored 35-14 in the first quarter and out-rebounded 48-28 overall.

The loss dropped Memphis to 4-26 on the road.

So clearly this team is the basketball equivalent of The Great Depression. My advice is to take a hint from their play-by-play guy and jettison the entire team into space. Well, Mayo can stay if he wants. "But they are a developing, young team!" you say? I say: right now, they still suck sh!t.

Anyways, this one should be a gimme for the normally pine-riding starters. And a good chance of no more Startbury, Rondo might be back!

More Popcorn-related Rookie Hijinks!

2009-03-13T17:41:00.002-04:00

Thanks to Deadspin for the heads-up. Apparently, Bobby Jackson is still in the NBA, and through some series of bizarre circumstances is back on the Sacramento Kings. While on the Kings, he has spent most of his time insisting that the rookies bring fruit to practice. When Donte Green didn't provide said fruit, Bobby pumped Donte's SUV full of popcorn. That'll teach that rookie to..... cover the 28-year-veteran's car with dog food and soy sauce!?!?

I bet you didn't see that twist coming at the end there! Our suggestion to Bobby is to get Rick Mahorn out of prison for beating up WNBA players and utilize his stealth skills to scare the crap out of that young pup. Make it a teachable moment, Bobby.

HALF OF THE CELTICS BARELY LOSE TO THE HEAT; HEAT VERY PROUD OF THEMSELVES

2009-03-12T10:34:00.006-04:00

STEPHON MARBURY MISSED THIS SHOT, ALONG WITH 5 OTHERS
The Celtics dropped another frustrating game to the Miami Heat last night. After getting obliterated in the third quarter, the Celtics crawled back into the game with a ridiculous 16-2 run in the fourth but they still came up a bit short. The Heat are going to be either the fourth or fifth seed in the Eastern Conference, yet the Celtics almost pulled out the victory on the road despite playing a rookie 3-guard against Jermaine O'Neal in the post (advantage: Bill Walker) and missing five guys who have started a game for the Celtics this season.

As I mentioned earlier this week, my big worries were about the foul problems of the Celtics' front line. Inspired, Mikki Moore managed to commit four fouls in the first quarter without even starting the game. Amazing. Combine that with Stephon Marbury's confused-looking 0-6 performance from the field and I think it's safe to say that these guys are not anywhere close to the PJ Brown/Sam Cassell pickups the Celtics got last year. The big difference is that while PJ Brown made his career by fitting himself into a team's offensive and defensive schemes properly, Mikki Moore has made his career by being a spazz that you expect to suck but actually doesn't. As for Sam Cassell, he may have taken some of the worst shots in Celtics history, but he was at least crafty. Stephon Marbury isn't, at all, unless we're talking about his craftiness in convincing an intern to have sex with him in the back of a van.

The silver lining is that Bill Walker looked great, Leon Powe looked great, and presumably once Rondo and KG get back those guys will be able to step up even more in limited roles. Let's not get all panicky- just figure that the bench needed some minutes anyway. While Doc's "we would rather have a healthy KG and be the 7 seed" argument is garbage considering the Celtics didn't win a friggin' road game until the Eastern Conference finals (not the NBA Finals, thanks Jeremiah) last year, this is not the team going to the playoffs, and the Celtics didn't even look that bad!

I Want Delonte Back

2009-03-11T13:18:00.002-04:00

Watching Stephon get stripped at halfcourt by former Celtics Summer Leaguer Will Bynum made me very nostalgic for Delonte. Then I read this interview, I gazed longingly out of my window, "Somewhere Out There" started playing, and a single tear rolled down my cheek. "Dr. Redbush" has all the answers:

Question: Dr. Redbush: I'm going to Europe in a couple weeks with my cousins and I wanted to see if you had any suggestions on how to attract some fine foreign ladies. I can't dance and I'm broke. Please give me your expert advice on this difficult issue.

First Name: Pat
City: University Heights
State: OH

Answer: Well, it’s never been the money. The money don’t matter. The money don’t make you. You can have all the money in the world, but if you’re lame, you’ll just be lame with money.

As far as the dancing goes – you’re going to have to work on that, brother. Females watch you dance and, subconsciously, they’re thinking about the way you move a little later on that night. So you’ve got to learn the two-step. Learn the two-step and stick with it. You can change it up for every song. You can speed it up or slow it down, but stick with the same two-step. That’s something that translates in any country.

And if you’re broke, one more thing – besides working on your two-step, which is important – you got to work on your game and your “mouthpiece.” If your mouthpiece is strong, she’ll give you some money.

Amen. We miss you, Delonte.

ARIZA "APOLOGIZES"

2009-03-11T10:23:00.003-04:00

I don't know when we, as a nation, decided that you didn't actually need to apologize in order to get credited for an apology. Chris Brown can beat the hell out of his girl and apologize for the "unfortunate incident that transpired" or whatever BS his publicist crapped out. Taking a page out of Chris Brown's book, this is what Ariza has by way of apology for trying to decapitate Rudy Fernandez when down 28 points in the third quarter:

"Honestly, there's nothing I can do about that," Ariza said. "I hope it doesn't happen. But I was just trying to go for the ball. I wasn't trying to hurt anybody or do anything like that."

...

"It's expected," Ariza said about the Trail Blazers' reaction to Fernandez's hard fall. "That's one of their teammates. If it was one of my teammates, I'd probably do the same thing. I know it's no hard feelings. They were just protecting a teammate." Fernandez's neck was put in a brace, and he was taken off on a stretcher.

...

"I was just trying to go for the ball, trying to make a good play on the ball," Ariza said. "Unfortunately, somebody got hurt."

I love it when the offending party says that there "are no hard feelings" when people get pissed at them for their douchebaggery. That's not for you to decide, Trevor. If you put their teammate on a stretcher and they come after you, there are hard feelings. You might not want them to have hard feelings. You might not want to believe that there are hard feelings, but there are hard feelings, and you can't just dismiss them in your pithy little non-apology.

Ariza's "I was just going for the ball" excuse is nonsensical. Look at that picture and tell me he's going for the ball. Like I said yesterday, Fernandez was going up with his left hand, and Ariza took an impossible angle, cocked his right arm back, and swung it like a maniac. Nobody is going to block a shot at that angle. If Ariza went to the rim, perhaps he had a shot at it, but he didn't, and if he was in the habit of trying to block shots like that, he would foul out in ten minutes of every game. "There's nothing I can do about that." What an ass.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: CHIMPS ARE DERANGED PSYCHOPATHS

2009-03-10T17:19:00.002-04:00

This has nothing to do with basketball, and even less to do with the Boston Celtics, except that I found a video of a tiny monkey jamming a basketball. Awwww.... anyway, back to my main point- read this article and then try to tell me that chimps aren't the scariest animals on the planet.

STOCKHOLM (AP) - A canny chimpanzee who calmly collected a stash of rocks and then hurled them at zoo visitors in fits of rage has confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans, a Swedish study said Monday. Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared.

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, the 31-year-old alpha male started building his weapons cache in the morning before the zoo opened, collecting rocks and knocking out disks from concrete boulders inside his enclosure. He waited until around midday before he unleashed a "hailstorm" of rocks against visitors, the study said.

I like how this chimp is calmly smashing concrete apart to make his projectiles. What the hell- how strong are these things!? Now, this discovery is important because researchers previously thought that chimpanzees would only randomly fly into crazed homicidal rampages for no reason- now they realize that they are also capable of carefully planning out execution-style hit jobs. Then again, to look at both sides of this contentious issue- this might be a chicken-or-the-egg thing- in this case, what came first- the rage or the threatened castration?

For a while, zoo keepers tried locking Santino up in the morning so he couldn't collect ammunition for his assaults, but he remained aggressive. They ultimately decided to castrate him in the autumn last year, but will have to wait until the summer to see if that helps. The chimpanzees are only kept outdoors between April and October and Santino's special behavior usually occurs in June and July.

Damn. This makes the zoo sound like maximum security chimp prison! Which it... isn't?

"It is normal behavior for alpha males to want to influence their surroundings ... It is extremely frustrating for him that there are people out of his reach who are pointing at him and laughing," Osvath said. "It cannot be good to be so furious all the time."

In Connecticut last month, a 200-pound pet chimpanzee once seen in TV commercials mauled a woman trying to help its owner lure it inside and cornered a police officer in his cruiser before he shot and killed it, authorities said

The owner has speculated that the chimp was trying to protect her and attacked the woman because she had changed her hairstyle, was driving a different car and was holding a stuffed toy in front of her face to get the chimp's attention.

Lesson learned? All I know is that chimps are frikkin' crazy. I hate them and they freak me the hell out. You can try to make the case that they aren't the scariest animals alive, but I contend that people don't keep bears and sharks as pets. That chimp attack occurred in Connecticut, for crying out loud. We all might have chimps as neighbors and not even know about it. Then again, be grateful that you don't live in Kentucky, where people have full grown pet lions. Damn.

Trevor Ariza is a Dick

2009-03-10T10:00:00.002-04:00

TRANSFORMATION INTO BRUCE BOWEN ALMOST COMPLETE

I once heard a young Trevor Ariza compared to Bruce Bowen because of their common "defensive intensity." That's a code word for "cheap shot artistry, grabbing, holding and softly humping." Like Bowen, Ariza is perfect for a good team like the Lakers- he can just stand at the three point line and wait for Gasol or Kobe to kick it out to him. He can foul the crap out of the opposing team's best wing player and get a lot of praise.

Well, you thought that since Bruce Bowen looks more decrepit every day that you wouldn't have to deal with his well-documented shenanigans much longer, but there's a new douchebag in town and his name is- inexplicably- Trevor. Watch with horror as he tries to go over Rudy Fernandez's back to "block" a lefthanded layup with his wildly swinging right hand- from behind- coincidentally when the Lakers are down by almost 30 points and Trevor is having a terrible game.

Clearly, this was a takeout. Ariza didn't bother to jump, he had an impossible angle that even the clumsiest rec leager would never attempt, he loses sight of the ball, he cocks his hand back like that nancypants ARod running to first base, and he doesn't even try to catch Fernandez as he goes flying. There was no way in hell he was going to block that shot. Then, of course, he "jaws" with the justifiably pissed Trail Blazers.

Congratulations, Trevor, you're well on your way to being the most despised player in the league. Somewhere, Bruce Bowen is sitting in an oversized leather chair, stroking a siamese cat while holding a brandy snifter, leaning his head back and laughing maniacally.

BIG BABY OUT FOR AT LEAST 1 GAME. HELP HIM REHAB BY CLICKING ON HIS FACE.

2009-03-09T21:02:00.004-04:00

STEPHON MARBURY FEARLESSLY LEADS CELTICS TO ANNOYING LOSS AGAINST ORLANDO MAGIC

2009-03-09T09:56:00.002-04:00

STAN VAN GUNDY INSISTS YOU CAN THROW A CUPCAKE INTO HIS MOUTH FROM THAT DISTANCE

With Rondo out with a sprained ankle, KG out with a knee injury, Tony Allen out with knees apparently held together with scotch tape and chewing gum, and the Fat Boys- Scals and Big Baby- sidelined with high cholesterol, the Celtics dropped a somewhat important game to the Orlando Magic at home yesterday afternoon. While the victory against the Cavs on Friday mostly made up for it, considering the Celtics now own that tiebreaker (when combined with division record), it made us tremble in fear at the prospect of Stephon Marbury leading this team for any period of time during the stretch run. True, the head-tattooed, intern-in-the-back-of-a-truck sexing malcontent has not played any mindgames that we know about since he said that he would "let his game speak for itself" regarding backing up Rajon. However, his strategy should probably not include letting his game speak for itself. Bad strategy. Starbury was -14 for the game, with 3 turnovers against just 1 assist in 21 minutes. It was not a good display. He piloted the C's to an awful first quarter, and he was matched up against defensive dynamo Rafer Alston- a player who six years ago wouldn't even be allowed to be the designated car-starter in Stephon's posse. I will still give Stephon some time to get back into things, I guess, but between this and getting repeatedly stripped at halfcourt by Will Bynum, I am less than impressed.

On the good side, Gabe Pruitt played 2 minutes and early reports are that he wasn't completely shitfaced at the time. I would say that he had the worst-timed DUI in NBA history, but then I remembered that Eric Musselman, coach of the Sacramento Kings, got busted for a DUI during the preseason of his first year with the team. This also came after Rick Adelman was fired after 8 consecutive winning seasons and right before the city voted on a ballot initiative to build a new stadium. Musselman never got control of the Kings and the team has sucked ever since. Now, Musselman has a blog. Awesome. By comparison, Gabe's DUI doesn't look that bad, but if he gets more than 2 mpg the rest of the way, I will be shocked.

The bad news, going forward, is that the Celtics will have the worst bench perhaps in NBA history until we get some of our boys back. The good news is that, similar to the Gabe Pruitt DUI situation, there are teams that are much, much worse than the Celtics even with KG, Rondo, Scals, Tony Allen, and Big Baby out. The main foreseeable problem is that every one of the Celtics' remaining post players is foul prone. We all know about Perk's foul woes, but Big Baby had 5 fouls in 15 minutes before getting hurt, Powe fouled out in 30 minutes, and Mikki Moore had 3 fouls in 15 minutes. Now with Big Baby out and Mikki presumably taking his minutes, you have what- Bill Walker playing the 5, with Paul Pierce at the 4!? Doc will have to get pretty creative. Maybe he will install this offense. I am now reconsidering my dismissal of Gabe Pruitt.... does he have any post game?

The Celtics have the Miami Heat on Wednesday. Doc had better get that Grinnell College offense humming by Tuesday night. Prediction: Celtics 176, Heat 175. Eddie House scores 90 points on 30 three-pointers.

Witness This, Bi-otches. Celtics Defy Odds, Crush Cavs.

2009-03-07T22:55:00.012-05:00

REFS SCREW CELTICS, LEBRON TRIES TO FIGHT PERK, BIG BABY KILLS VEREJAO.

This could turn out to be the most important game of the year. Without KG, Scal, and even Big Baby for most of the game, the Celtics still crushed the Cavs. The refs gave the Cavs every possible advantage when it came to fouls. Despite these setbacks, Pierce had his way with Cleveland and the Celtics really looked like a far superior team. LeBron and his merry band of retards looked lifeless. LeBron's a freak and the team has chemistry, but this game really exposed how mediocre they are. The Celtics are flying under the radar with these injuries, and the Cavs are WAY overrated right now. If I was a Cavs fan I would be very nervous...

SHOWTIME

2009-03-06T16:16:00.007-05:00

Is that leon Powe, smokin a stogie, tackling Lebron?

How will we win without floor-creature Sam Cassell prone-ing about and biting Lebron's ankles? Wiiiiiiiiiith DEFENSE!!!!

Tonight at 8 o'clock the basketball world will watch the Boston Celtics (1st - Atlantic) and the Cleveland Lebrons (1st - Central) battle it out in the still neck-and-neck race for home-court advantage in the play-offs. The 'brons have the advantage at 48 and 12, but with a two game swing, the celts will get the edge. Not only is this a clash of the titans, but like Fox tries to say (and, reader, the phrase "like fox tries to say" should trigger an "incoming load of steaming BS" alarm when read) about the baseball all-star game, "this one counts."

The question everyone reading this post wants to know is Can the injury-stricken Celtics beat a healthy cleveland team? Well, let me get this point out of the way: which outcome will generate more revenue for the NBA? I'd like to think the celts winning makes the home-court advantage race closer and maybe more people will care. Therefore, my gut tells me the troll will be handing out his mind-controll pills to the refs and we'll get them on our side.

As far as circumstances that we can check up on, the Lebrons also nabbed the big man joe smith who shamelessly wears the number 32. You're not worthy! You're not worthy! And we still do not have KG. We are also missing the T.A. and the Scalabrine. sad face.

Not to fear, Celtics fans, this is a game that we can win. This team can beat any team, but only if they play to their strengths. I'm sure Thib has been putting in more hours than the new-jacks at India sweatshops and slavelabor incorporated, teaching his wisdom to the new guys and everyone who is going to pick up the slack for KG, as well as dreaming up new defensive schemes. We need to contest J's without fouling (especially Mo Williams who spends all of his leisure-time shooting free throws) and block out for rebounds on defense. The cavs do not turn the ball over often, and we sure as hell do, so boards become even more important. The celts will probably double Lebron off the dribble and in the post. This is the probably the best way to prevent him from easy shots while not leaving guys open all over the floor. He can still make you pay if you aren't mindful of close proximity passes from him in the paint.

On offense, well, rondo can unleash the fast break, and i hope he does often. Pierce and Ray Allen are Pierce and Ray Allen. Basically, I feel like this game calls for more attention to D than O. Granted, we need more than those three guys on offense to win this game, but to have a good chance, we need everybody to be alert and energetic on defense. Not too much energy though, we don't want, say, something like big baby soaring through the air, generating the momentum of a wrecking ball and the grace of a garbage truck as he crashes straight into 3 free throws for the other team at the end of a very close game.

So, this one is gonna be a big one, and the Celts will win if they keep to their game plan and have a better-than-average defensive night, which, if any team can do it, this one can.

Celtics Beat Nets, Vince Carter is a nancy

2009-03-05T01:10:00.002-05:00

PERKINS PROBABLY GOT CALLED FOR THE FOUL ON THIS PLAY

There are many unsavory aspects of New Jersey- the inferiority complex, the horrific stench of the Jersey turnpike, the hellhole cities- but the New Jersey Nets franchise is by far the worst. Ever since the Byron Scott days, they have employed almost exclusively d-bags and moral degenerates. So, it's always nice to beat them. Again. And again. And again.

This game was close, thanks to the refs calling silent farts as fouls against the Celtics the first half and Vince Carter choosing to put forth a magnificent 25% effort, as he is wont to do a couple times a year. But, after almost screwing up this game worse than that abomination of a Spurs game a couple weeks back, the Celtics executed nicely down the stretch and pulled it out. I honestly can't remember the last time the Celtics lost to the Nets. Was it back when the Celtics sucked, two years ago? It's been a long time.

So, despite Vince Carter playing his best game of the season, KG being out, Scalabringinthepain being out, and the refs basically performing fellatio on the whole Nets roster the entire game, the Celtics emerged with a victory. Good learning experience for the not-at-all young team.

Stephon watch: Starbury was booed every time he touched the ball, had two of the worst shot attempts in basketball history, but racked up 4 assists against only 1 turnover. As far as we know, he didn't terrorize the team at all! Rondo's starting spot never really was in question, but if it was, it isn't any longer. However, the Marbury pickup is looking like a wise one, as is Mikki Moore. Also, worth mentioning is that Gabe Pruitt is going to have benchsores on his ass for the rest of the season. Even Bill Walker got some burn tonight. Don't drive and drive, kiddos

Celtics Plan On Tastefully Kicking the Sh*t Out of the Nets Tonight.

2009-03-04T10:09:00.002-05:00

Tonight, the Celtics play the Nets. While normally this game would have as much significance as Tony Allen in a book store, thanks to the addition of Stephon Marbury, more than 10 people might actually show up at the Izod Center tonight. While Steph's NBA career blossomed in New Jersey, it wasn't until they traded him for Jason Kidd that they ever won a game. However, what makes this game even more interesting is its proximity to New York City. This is unofficially Steph's first trip back to the Big Apple and you better believe the NYC media will be buzzing about this one. With a few practices under his belt and his belly full of spite, look for Starbury have a huge game tonight.

KG Takes Time Out of Rehab to Shovel Snow With New Teammate Stephon

2009-03-02T13:59:00.003-05:00

STEPHON IMMEDIATELY DEMANDS MORE TIME ON SNOWBLOWER; QUESTIONS PROJECT LEADERSHIP; HOLDS OUT FOR MORE POST-SHOVELING COCOA AND COOKIES

Is the talent worth the risk?

2009-02-28T02:59:00.007-05:00

BP is right, the timer has started. Marbury is batting a big 0 as far as ending on a good note with former NBA teams. 4, if my memory is correct (and feel free to correct me on any of this). AND he has ties to Isiah Thomas.

"No mar-mar, I told you, I'm not married, see? Now didn't I tell you to wear your suit?"

We're doomed... Right?

Yes, there is a big risk signing him, but it's not like the celtics' suits don't read the papers. They know his deal, and they know more than most about his situations. We all know that some of the knicks would be better served giving motivational speeches for a living, maybe it was a clashing of incompatible babies, and maybe he'll just be happy with the players here. Crappy relationships usually need something to spark the negativity, and after watching #8 in green tonight, he seemed pretty happy with everyone. Lets hope that spark never happens. With any luck, him and KG being former teammates will work in our favor! Plus, as a sports player, I know how winning can really help an attitude problem.

Looking at the potential talent he can bring to the team, especially come play-off time, I'm with the office's decision (this time). Perhaps this is short-sighted of me; if five-hour energy commercials have taught me anything, you don't want a short boost followed by a debilitating crash (that, and something called guarana is bad for you)... and all signs point to this being something as beneficial as a guarana-fueled commuter rail train forgetting to stop and driving through boston garden, but hey, at least this train wreck can slash to the hoop. If the conductor tried that, he would almost definitely pick up a charging call.

Next, news on rumors that Ainge is eyeing the North station-Lowell line for back-up forward, saying, "Hey, at least it will be here on time."

So, train jokes aside, I'm just trying to see if anyone else is down with the positive spin on this deal. And please, marbury, prove us, who think you are one myspace-page short of a 16-year-old girl, wrong.

Celtics Win, Marbury Looks Great, Time Bomb of Insanity Starts Ticking...

2009-02-27T23:38:00.004-05:00

The Celtics beat the always scrappy Indiana Pacers tonight, but the real news was that Stephon Marbury played his first minutes with the Celtics after only an hour of practice. Not gonna lie- he looked really good. I had no idea what to expect, considering that Stephon doesn't have an agent looking after him and there is no one really knew what he was doing in the last year. For all we know, he's been throwing up a couple thousand jumpers a day. Either that, or he's been rolling X and slamming jello shots at the Spearmint Rhino for the last year. Thank goodness for the Celtics, it appears as though he has been more on the basketball side of that equation.

He looked good- with all the shenanigans surrounding Stephon during his career, it's easy to forget that he was probably the best player on the 2004 Olympic team. He was also a legendary ass on that team, as well, which bears mentioning. But- he's a very good player! All- star talent.

Unfortunately, he's got a track record for being a pain in the ass that stretches back to his freshman year in high school. In "The Last Shot," Stephon was signing autographs on his first day of freshman year. For all intents and purposes, he's been a professional basketball player since the seventh or eighth grade, being recruited by high schools in New York, and he acts like it. Combine that with the fact that he has had a revolving door of bad coaches throughout his career and you get a guy that doesn't have the ability to work together with his teammates and coaches effectively. He's been the center of attention since he was 12 years old, maybe earlier! But, at the same time, Lebron had similar hype as a youngster, and unprecedented amount of hype as a high schooler, and he's a professional. So, clearly Stephon's main problem is mostly the dusting of crazy he's got going on- that craziness serves as PCP fueling his negative qualities.

Will Marbury help this team out? If this was NBA Live instead of the NBA, it would be a fantastic front office move. It worked out really well tonight. Stephon was the key player in the key run that won the game. Unfortunately, anyone who has ever had to work with a relentless asshole can testify to the fact that it is a draining experience not conducive to an effective work environment. It almost never works. For a little while you can delude yourself into thinking it won't be that bad, but it's always bad. Always.

Now, maybe Marbury's got a bad rap, I can buy into that a bit considering his coaching situation has always been suspect. Maybe he will have a new lease on life having spent a year being made fun of and ostracized, and he'll be playing 15-20 minutes off the bench. I just don't see any indication that it will be the case. If I was in charge, I would keep him quarantined from his teammates except when on the court. He would sit on the sidelines in a soundproof box made out of two-way mirrors.

Regardless, this season is much more interesting with Marbury in the mix, so there's always that silver lining.

He's Wearing WHAT Number!?

2009-02-27T15:52:00.002-05:00

ANTOINE SHOCKED TO HEAR THAT HIS NUMBER HAS NOT BEEN RETIRED BY THE FRANCHISE; VOWS NOT TO BE DISTRACTED IN HIS QUEST TO FIND THE MYSTICAL FOUR-POINT SHOT

Who's Pumped For Starbury? This guy.

2009-02-27T14:09:00.001-05:00

It's Official...?

2009-02-26T16:09:00.002-05:00

STEPHON MARBURY JOINS CELTICS, OVER/UNDER FOR FIRST DISASTROUS INFLUENCE ON TEAM SET AT 10 DAYS

We here at I*Heart*Celtics welcome Stephon Marbury to Boston with open arms, a fake smile, and a swift knee to the groin. This coach-killing, head-tattooed, intern-humping-in-a-van maniac is expected to join the team tomorrow. Awesome. Because Rondo played great with Cassell breathing down his neck. Because the thing they need in the stretch run is an attention whoring, ball whoring dude that hasn't played in a year. He doesn't have an agent. He's been working out by himself. His teammates in New York all hated him by the end and so have almost all of his coaches. And, Doc is a "player's coach" - meaning he lets players do whatever they want.

I'm sure this is going to work out great. Yes, I understand that Tony Allen is hurt, and Gabe Pruitt is both untested and also probably still drunk from last night. Yes, I understand they need a shot in the arm, but dear god, Stephon Marbury!? Didn't we go through all this once before with his less offensive, less talented cousin Sebastian? How did that turn out? One horrible season, a couple gun issues, a traffic stop on 4/20, an interview in the attempted murder of a rapper in NYC.... the bar has been set high for Stephon by his cousin.

I read "The Last Shot" when Stephon was at Georgia Tech and I always loved watching him play. Unfortunately, he's a nutcase. I want it to work out.... but I hope Danny knows what he signed us all up for. And I also hope part of his contract will be staying 90 feet away from all interns.

Gabe Pruitt Arrested

2009-02-26T10:29:00.002-05:00

Not gonna lie:

LOS ANGELES -- Police say Boston Celtics guard Gabe Pruitt has been arrested in Los Angeles on suspicion of drunken driving.

Officer April Harding says the 22-year-old Pruitt was pulled over in Hollywood shortly after 3 a.m. Thursday and later booked on suspicion of misdemeanor driving under the influence.

The Celtics had lost 93-91 to the Los Angeles Clippers a few hours earlier. Harding says records showed that Pruitt had not yet posted his $5,000 bail.

Pruitt is from the Los Angeles area and played college basketball for Southern California.

Copyright 2009 by The Associated Press

Another reason to sign Stephon Marbury, eh? Are we sure this is the actual Gabe Pruitt and not Bryan Doo in a Gabe Pruitt mask? Did anyone see Bryan Doo accept a big bag with a dollar sign on the side of it from Danny Ainge recently?

What the crap!?

2009-02-26T10:11:00.002-05:00

CELTICS LOSE TO CLIPPERS, PIERCE DISLOCATES FINGER SEVERAL TIMES, NO SCALABRINE = BIG NIGHT FOR ZACH RANDOLPH

When Zach Randolph put in a garbage putback in the final minute off of a typically horrendous set play for the Clippers, I missed Brian Scalabrine. Scalabrine, a world away getting neurological tests, heard a thousand voices scream, and then suddenly fall silent. We all know, it's just a fact- that if Brian was there, Randolph would not have made that shot and the Celtics would have won. Why? Because Brian would have been softly humping Randolph in the post the entire game, and Randolph would have been wheeling back to punch our doughy hero in the jowls in the final seconds instead of calmly laying the ball in to give the Clips the lead.

This was one of those games where you watch it and then get pissed off that you wasted the time. First of all, the game starts at 10:30 at night, so when it's over you go straight to bed- pissed- and then go through the list of things you could have done instead of watch the Celtics botch a game against the Clippers. The Celtics shot a nice percentage from the field and hung tough on the glass, but our boys were turning the ball over as rapidly as Steve Novak was chucking up bricks for the Clippers. Steve Novak only shoots. He plays basketball like somebody that's confusing the "pass" and "shoot" buttons when playing NBA Jam on an alien controller. What a goof.

In the end, however, the Celtics are going to lose some more of these games this season. For whatever reason- and I'm sure everyone has their own theory- the Celtics are much more likely to have sloppy execution on the offensive end this year. This game featured 21 turnovers for the C's, meaning they turned the ball over roughly 25% of the time on offense. The Clippers had 11 turnovers and 17 more shot attempts.

Next up:
Details on Gabe Pruitt's suspected DUI. Awesome.

MILT'S WAS BETTER

2009-02-24T21:41:00.003-05:00

WATCH THIS OLD TOP 10 VIDEO NARRATED BY SOME CREEPY-SOUNDING EUROPEAN AND TRY TO TELL ME OTHERWISE

I don't want to sell anybody out here, but a special friend of I*Heart*Celtics whose name rhymes with Kate Wiggum alerted us to this important point. Devin Harris' miraculous buzzer beater still pales in comparison to Miracle Milt Palacio's back in the day for the Celtics. Here's how we broke down the scoring:

1) The Celtics were down by 2 points to the New Jersey Nets to set the table for Milt's shot. Meanwhile, Devin Harris' Nets were only down 1 point. Therefore, the Celtics' comeback was twice as good. It's mathematics. You can't argue with it. Big advantage to Milt.

2) For Devin, there were 1.8 (loooooong) seconds left. For Milt, there were 2. Small advantage to Devin.

3) For Milt, the OPPOSING TEAM HAD THE BALL. His opponent was taking the ball out of bounds and they were running a set play. (Granted, it was the worst set play of all time.) Devin, on the other hand, was taking an inbounds play off a made free throw against a disorganized Sixers defense. He was able to make a run at the basket. Big advantage to Milt.

4) Devin hit a running shot from 45-50 feet. Milt's was from about 30, at the most. Big advantage to Devin.

5) However, Devin was in stride with a clear look at the basket. We see a couple guys hit this shot a year, albeit going into halftime in a meaningless game and such. Certainly an amazing shot, but Milt was falling sideways with a hand in his face. Then again, it was from a lot further away. We'll call this a wash. Nevermind, this is still an advantage for Devin.

6) The circumstances of the setup were also much different. How many times a season does a dude make a desperate heave from halfcourt to try to win a game? It happens many, many times. However, how many teams, while protecting a lead, run a completely bizarre inbounds play and botch it so thoroughly that an inexplicably open man is missed completely? When Iguodala went to the line, Devin Harris was thinking about what he was going to do next. For Milt, all he was thinking about was dry humping the man he was guarding when all of a sudden the ball was in his hands. Advantage Milt.

7) Salesmanship- Devin captured the spirit of the moment with his stunned reaction. However, Milt somehow landed on his back, sliding sideways, after running straight at the basket. Explain to me how that works using physics. He also had to utilize what can only be described as a two-handed running baby hook shot. Devin has chucked the ball from halfcourt during practice probably 1,000 times. Milt could never recreate even the ACT of shooting that shot, ever again. Advantage Milt.

8) Opposing reaction- I remember watching with glee as Byron Scott moped around after Milt's shot, and it's no less hilarious now. Nothing is more satisfying that sticking it to that smug prick that stole John Waters' mustache. However, Devin Harris' opponent, Andre Iguodala, still doesn't think that the shot should have counted. Complete denial is much funnier. Advantage Devin.

So when you tally these babies up, clearly Milt is the winner. Not to take anything away from Devin Harris- I still don't think there has been a more ridiculous buzzer beater than Milt's. Also, it bears mentioning that Milt has never been videotaped getting tooled on by a British dude wearing jeans and a pair of Keds.

Now, if we're talking about game-tying shots.... this one will always be number 1 in my eye. You can't find one better. No, not possible.

Meet The New Brian Scalabrine.

2009-02-24T13:59:00.003-05:00

Last night the Celtics won their second game in a row without KG, but at what cost??? Their redheaded heroine suffered a severe neck injury and it looks like he will be sidelined for the rest of the season. With the Celtics fresh out of bigmen, they pulled the trigger on bringing old friend Mikki Moore back to Boston. True, Moore may have sucked the last time he played in Boston, but after getting tons of playing time in Sacramento his game has blossomed. In addition he also owns 5 snakes. That is 5 more snakes than KG and Scal own combined. This worked out perfectly for the Celtics. They have a reliable, vetran big man on loan for the rest of the season without taking on a huge contract, crappy players, or giving up any compensation. Every other playoff contending team pursued Moore, but he signed with the Celtics because he said they have better blog coverage. Once KG returns, expect a Leone Powe, Moore front court to be a force off the bench.

He played with mulletude...

2009-02-24T03:28:00.004-05:00

"Hi, this is Dwayne Schintzius for Zubaz ©"

Well, BP, my amigo, it seems like I*Heart*Celtics are not the only admirers of NBA's former short-on-the-top, long-in-the-back representative. Another fan, Ben Folkner, had this to say (The rest of this epic tale can be found here as well as a nice picture of the power mullet in action):

On October 14, 1968, a proud Mary Schnitzius lifted up a large newborn baby. It was as if the fate had a hand in her life. This babe, Dwayne, born in Brandon, Florida, would be his family's saviour. No more washing windows for a living, no more begging for food, they would soon live in the glamour and splendor of an NBA Star. They must not be easy on him. Grabbing boards in the paint would be tough, so his life shold be tough.

CELTICS CONSIDER OTHER EX-CELTIC BIGS

2009-02-23T17:05:00.002-05:00

BRUNO STIRS

The Celtics have all but signed up Mikki Moore for the rest of the season. But don't think that they are done wheeling and dealing. They need some more front line help, and since Mikki is a guaranteed success, they are looking at some other ex-Celtics to lure back onto the team. Here's their short list:

Kandi Man - before Michael Phelps was caught taking bong rips at frat houses in South Carolina, the Kandi Man was taking bong rips underneath the bleachers between the first and second quarters. Tell him you'll give him a box of Swedish fish for every rebound he gets and he will pull down exactly one rebound. And then fall asleep.

Pervis Ellison - I heard that the Celtics actually were at the table this week with Pervis, and Pervis was about to sign his name to a fat contract. Then Pervis got hungry, Pervis went to microwave himself a Hot Pocket, and Pervis fractured his fibula in eleven places opening up the packaging. Thus, Mikki Moore.

Tony Battie - has unfinished business in Boston. C'mon, he saved Paul Pierce's life (literally) and is just chilling on the bench in Orlando, daydreaming about his next Batman tattoo and wondering, like the rest of us, why Dwight Howard is so annoying.

Bruno Sundov - Mikki's 7'3" teammate with the Celtics hasn't played in the League since the 2004-2005 season. But local boy (by way of Croatia) went to high school at Winchendon Academy! His jersey is in the trophy case! Now he plays professionally in Zagreb. Sure, he shot .350 from the floor for his NBA career, but do I need to remind you that he has one more rebound in his career than he does personal fouls? I rest my case. (Also worth noting is this awesome website with a Bruno Sundov picture... that website might deserve its own post)

Jerome Moiso - every once and a while I get a Google Alert about Jerome in some weird language, so I assume he is still playing overseas. Either that or he is an international terrorist. Either way, he's 6'10" and outweighs Mikki by at least 5 pounds. I say give him another shot!

And last but not least, I*Heart*Celtics heartthrob Dwayne Schintzius. This is a man of principle. This is a man of moral integrity. This is the rare man known mostly for his mullet. He quit the Florida basketball team because he didn't want to "sail under the authority of Captain Ahab" and get a haircut. He also has the boldness to attack an automobile full of people in a nightclub parking lot with a tennis racket. And, he is principled enough to tell the truth in court about Jayson Williams executing his own dog with a shotgun. This world-weary, Bart Simpson-tattooed wonderboy was last seen dominating as a member of the Brevard Blue Ducks in 2003 and is poised for a mulleted resurgence.

CELTICS TARGET MIKKI MOORE

2009-02-23T13:09:00.003-05:00

OFFER MIKKI MOORE CONTRACT

The Celtics have made a contract offer, according to the Boston Globe. Thought this dude was familiar? That's because he played for the Celtics for less time than Patrick O'Bryant and had much worse stats. Here's what you need to know about this dude:

Height: 7'0"
Weight: 113 pounds
Age: 33
College: Nebraska

NBA Teams Played for:
Detroit Pistons (1998–2002)
Boston Celtics (2002-03)
Atlanta Hawks (2002-03)
Utah Jazz (2003-04)
Los Angeles Clippers (2004-05)
Seattle SuperSonics (2005-06)
New Jersey Nets (2006-2007)
Sacramento Kings {2007-2009)

Stats as Boston Celtic: 12 minutes played, 0 points, 0% FG percentage, 1 rebound, 2 blocks, 6 personal fouls

Looks like: Clown fish
Weighs less than: Clown fish

Why the Celtics need him: They don't have any seven footers and PJ Brown has turned down every offer the Celtics have thrown at him, including a "Lifetime of Sexual Favors" redeemable anytime coupon from Danny Ainge
Why we are mystified: Nicole Richie could out-muscle Mikki in the post

Patrick O'Bryant Gets Traded: No One Gives A Crap Except Tony Allen Who Was Planning To Fill His Car With Popcorn Next Week.

2009-02-23T12:44:00.006-05:00

Sorry Tony. For any Celtics fan who has ever used the bathroom, bought a beer, or even blinked while watching a game, it is entirely possible you've never seen O'Bryant play. Therefore, we've taken the liberty of compiling a highlight reel of Patrick's most notable plays in Celtic green.

A scoring match you say? Bring it!

2009-02-22T16:09:00.012-05:00

Well played, Rondo

"... I could just throw it right at his face..."

Celtics - 128 @ Suns - 108

KG sits out tonight, Pierce takes the first half off, Tony Allen is doing God knows what, but it doesn't seem to matter. Johnny turns 23, receives and installs rocket sneakers and has a career high 32 points. C's pull down +10 rebounds by the third without their lead big man, had 21 points on the Suns at one point and Patrick O'Bryant gave a standing O for every Celtic possession. Who says moral support doesn't help? Well, maybe not as much as 63.4% from the field.

Unfortunately, a tough game for Perk, serving up piping-hot turnovers and shooting free's like his eyes were closed, but he is still the man. Doc made the right call to take him out after a couple fouls and then the celtics got going. Shaq posed a small problem but then gravity set in. No one else on the Suns really wanted to pick up the torch though (there, among other areas, are where the Suns are missin' Amare), as the Celts had control almost all of the game.

People may wonder why the celtics can still play so well without Garnett, since he is such an important part of this team. The development of Scalabrine, Poe and Davis has allowed Doc and Tom to be completely confident coming into this game. I mean, I don't really remember any glaring mistakes between the 3 of them. The rebounding duties were spread perfectly by the rest of the team, the intensity was there anyways, the alley-oop and post/pivet game aren't necessary when Rondo gets to the rim at will and those mid-range J's? Oh, Baby's got those. That's how you compensate for no Garnett without missing a beat. It almost felt like he was there. And I know Ray Allen was there. 31 points between a few free throws, some Ray-Allen-patented, off-screen 3's and some nice drives.

Oh, yea, broadcasters wanted to talk about the "red hot suns" cause it's such a convenient pun that they dont even have to pay their writers, but really: clippers, clippers, thunder. Sure 140-times-3 is impressive, but i don't think even the suns expected to repeat that style against the celtics. And you'd think they'd stop and go hmmm... We aren't going to drop 140 this time, maybe we should try some defense, but I don't think that idea made it to the floor. They basically held the door open for Rondo and Allen or fouled on sight.

Side note, As much as I hate ads, the viking who tried to impale the flatscreen TV was pretty funny, thanks Capital One.

So yea, if we can keep up this level of play, which is asking a lot, we will have home court advantage. This isn't a bad position to be in by any means, but that shooting percentage won't stay at 63%. The celtics are going to have to find other ways to win without the big ticket, especially when they play teams with defenses. Next up: @ Denver, who are 6-2 this month (all road games). As I write this they are nearly tied with the Bucs in the second quarter, but tomorrow they are back home from their long road trip. I'm sure this will be a tougher game for the C's than today's.

KG WILL MISS AT LEAST THREE GAMES (EDIT: 2-3 WEEKS)

2009-02-21T10:58:00.004-05:00

WILL SPEND TIME OFF IN HIS LIVING ROOM, SLAMMING RED BULLS, SCREAMING, PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE FACE, AND BEING AN UNSPORTSMANLIKE DICK TO THE FAMILY PETS

Celtics dorks worldwide pooped up their underoos the other night when KG limped off the court with a knee injury. Apparently it's a strain.

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (AFP) — Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett will miss the last three games of the team's West Coast road trip after straining his right knee against Utah on Thursday.

The reigning National Basketball Association champion Celtics said Garnett returned to Boston on Friday for an MRI exam.

So, that's good news, even though I doubt there has ever been an NBA player that has come back on time from an "at least X games" diagnosis. Chances are he will miss a couple home games, too. Yes, it sucks because the Celtics could really use that #1 seed... but in the grand scheme of things... if you were anything like me you were firing up your oven to "broil" to shove your head in when you saw this last year:

Here's hoping the Cavs go on a losing streak and KG heals up quickly.

UPDATE: I feel quite vindicated- the Herald is now reporting 2-3 weeks, which is significantly longer than "at least 3 games." Bank on a little more than 3 weeks without KG.

MEET YOUR NEW KG.

2009-02-20T09:45:00.002-05:00

He doesn't look like KG, he doesn't play like KG, and he sure as heck doesn't smell like KG. Whether we like it or not, thanks to a knee injury in last nights loss to the Utah Jazz, Scal will be the new KG. I for one love it. Those of us who have watched Scal over the years know this is the type of role he thrives in. He's not a sixth man, he's not even a utility guy. He's a "random yet reliable sub in time of crisis" guy. He plays smart, he hussles, and he smells like bacon. What more could you ask for? Others might be panicking, but until we hear get all the details on the injury, I am more than confident Scal will pick up all the slack.

TONY HAS NON-PUNCHING HAND SURGERY

2009-02-18T23:00:00.002-05:00

TONY'S THUMB IN HAPPIER DAYS
I*Heart*Celtics heartthrob Tony Allen underwent surgery to repair ligaments in his left thumb, which he injured in practice recently. We don't know how he injured it, so we can only assume that he did it during a face-fracturing hammerfist to some clown that dared cross him. In an I*Heart*Celtics exclusive, Bryan Doo is reported to have been fitted for a Rip Hamilton mask, which he will wear for the rest of the season.

BOSTON (AP) — Boston Celtics backup guard Tony Allen is expected to be sidelined for eight weeks after having thumb surgery on Wednesday. The operation repaired ligaments in the left thumb of the veteran of five NBA seasons, all with the Celtics. Allen was hurt during practice last week.

He is averaging 7.8 points in 40 games this season and 7.4 for his career. His career high of 11.5 points per game came in 2006-07, but he was limited to 33 games by a knee injury.

The surgery took place one day after the Celtics sent guard Sam Cassell and cash to the Sacramento Kings for a second-round pick in the 2015 draft. Cassell did not play for Boston this season.

The Celtics are pretty damn thin at the guard spot off the bench as a result, and they have a roster spot available now that Sam Cassell is hiking his warmup pants up past his nipples in SacTown, which is a far more appropriate place for him to do so. Stephen A. Smith is feverishly masterbating while fantasizing about the Celtics signing Stephon Marbury someway, somehow. Meanwhile, the Boston Celtics HR department has its fingers on the "Check Out" button at Amazon.com. In their basket? You guessed it - 1,000 copies of this sexual harassment defense video to protect the interns.

We here at I*Heart*Celtics hope that Danny pulls a trade for Gerald Green. We heard that Big Baby has a big bin of Legos that he barely uses anymore, maybe the C's can pull a clean swap.

Could OKC Possibly Make Their Franchise Any Lamer? Yes. A Thousand Times Yes...

2009-02-18T18:22:00.005-05:00

If you can make it through 3 minutes of this video without killing yourself, karma eventually gets the best of our little friend Bison.

Cassel on the Move.

2009-02-18T17:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday Sam Cassel was traded to the Sacramento Kings for a second round pick. The Kings are expected to cut Cassel right away, meaning that the Celtics are essentially buying a second-round pick. For months now we have wondered whether Cassel was a player or a coach. In light of this trade we will just have to wonder some more. Some think Cassel will return to Boston to coach. Others think he will fly home to Uranus. Only one thing remains certain: He is really, really weird looking.

All-Star Weekend Sucked: WWGD?

2009-02-18T02:15:00.010-05:00

The NBA All-Star festivities are by far the best of any professional sport. There isn't much debate to this considering that the Pro Bowl is unwatchable and Bud Selig manages to F up the MLB All-Star game every year. With the addition of HORSE to this year's festivities, expectations were high for the NBA. In the end however, All-Star Weekend turned out to be pretty mediocre. While some attribute this to the way the recession has dried up most of the parties and NBA shenanigans, others feel its because superstars these days are becoming less competitive. I have a different theory. The lack of Gerald Green. From the artful craft of his dunks to the meticulous way he applies the salt to the fries at Burger King, good things happen when Gerald's around ( his tenure in Boston, Minnesota, and Dallas aside). Anyone with a pea for brain knows that Gerald Green makes life better and the All-Star Game is no exception. Here are just a few ways Gerald Green could have significantly improved All-Star Weekend:

Horse: The NBA really wanted to introduce Horse in style, so they invited the most charismatic, entertaining NBA superstars to partake in the event. Sadly, they all said no, and they had to settle for Joe Johnson the recluse, and the uber-shy Kevin Durant.
The game was pretty competitive, but there was a significant lack of smack-talk, and I'm pretty sure I saw Durant and Johnson holding hands for a brief moment towards the end. While both are pretty reserved, Gerald Green is outgoing and a little bit of a Dick. Paul Pierce taught him a thing or two about 'jawin' and it is likely he would have pissed both guys off to hell. For every shot attempt he would have done a 'birthday cake' dunk, a shot neither of his opponents could match, and would have the match won in a matter of a few thrilling minutes.

3 Point Contest: True, that Daquon Cook caught fire and torched the competition in the final round, but it was clear that Rashard Lewis choked and is a bit of a loser. He hit about 2 three's in the final round. Everyone knows Gerald Green drains 3 pointers in his sleep. Surely if given the opportunity, he would have pumped up his shoes and proceeded to kick Cook's ass. It probably would have been pretty even through the first round, until Cook realized that Gerald had been wearing a Dee Brown jersey the whole time and was shooting his tres blindfolded.

Skillz Competition: Gereald's Skills: Flips a juicy burger, makes awesome chocolate milkshakes, drains three's, slam dunks, wears his head band on the very top of his head. Derrick Rose's Skills: Decent handles, good passer, his JR Bacon Cheeseburger tastes like ass.

Shooting Stars: Everyone knows that while shooting stars sucks. It is better than the Pro Bowl, but it still sucks and it sucks hard. I don't even know how it works cause I would never watch that crap, but I know it involves a WNBA player and a washed up (usually balding or overweight) NBA player either teaming up or competing in a shooting contest. Sounds pretty lame. But, if we replaced all of the WNBA players with Gerald Green wearing a wig and replaced all the "shooting" with a combination of barefoot dunks, slams off ladders, and alley-oop, through the leg jams, we might be onto something.

Dunk Contest: A real letdown this year. Without Gerald in the competition, Dwight Howard coasted through most of it with lame "foul-line" dunks. After a lot of costumes, phone booths, dancing, and groaning (mostly by me) they awarded the title to Nate Robinson, for his ability to make a slam-dunk and be short at the same time. It was clear that Gerald carried Dwight through the competition last year and without him everything went to crap. The whole thing seemed more like Cosplay than a dunk contest, and I found the orgy of high-fives, chest bumps, and cooperation between Dwight and Nate a little disturbing. Everyone knows that Dwight Howard's only Kryptonite is Gerald Green in a Celtics jersey, not Nate Robinson with green balls.

Thankfully, there is reason to be optimistic. The Celtics just traded Sam Cassel for Sacramento's second round draft pick next year. Hopefully, they will use it to once again draft Gerald Green (this time from Pizza Hut) and the 2010 All-Star Game will be saved.

Back on track?

2009-01-13T11:59:00.003-05:00

CELTICS WIN TWO IN A ROW AGAINST THE RAPTORS, SCALABRINE RETURNS AS "THE ENFORCER", PIERCE GOES BANANAS AND SCORES 39 AFTER LOOKING KINDA CRAPPY FOR THE LAST MONTH OR SO

I don't know if the Celtics are "fixed"- two good games in a row against a mediocre-at-best Raptors team isn't saying much- but a lot of the problems that have plagued the Celtics recently (horrible turnovers, horrible ball rotation to find the hot hand, horrible bench play, horrible free throw shooting, horrible execution in crunch time) have melted away as of late. Sure, the Big Three played 40+ minutes last night but it was an OT game.

Scalabrine, God love him, was at his gooey best against the Raptors. First of all, he legitimately stood up to Joey Graham's punkass behavior, which shocked everybody except for those of us that watched Scal push people around when he's in "Enforcer" mode the last couple years. I don't want to belittle Scal when I say that "No Brain, No Pain" is his outlook on NBA tussles, because I am starting to think that his unconventional pastiness, flaming red hair, short shorts, donut addiction, and slight lisp works to his advantage.

When you think about it, it would be scary to get in a fight with Joey Graham. But if you're Joey Graham, wouldn't you rather fight KG than Scal? What does Scalabrine have to lose? But if you're looking at it from Graham's perspective, Scal's got 350 pounds of crazy stuffed into his doughy, 250-pound leprechaun body. Remember how Stephen Jackson flipped out when faced with the prospect of fighting a one-armed man at a strip club? Few people want to lose a fight to a one-armed man, but nobody wants to lose a fight to Brian Scalabrine. If you were a third grader and Scal kicked your ass this morning, you'd have to have transferred schools by the early afternoon. If Scal whups your ass as a professional basketball player, you pretty much need to do what this guy did- fake your own death by crashing your plane in Florida.

Anyway, kudos to the Celtics for playing a lot better. Not 19-game-winning-streak better, but certainly good enough to contend for the top seed in the East. Here's hoping that they build on this momentum, Pierce starts playing with a chip on his shoulder again, and Scal keeps getting into little scuffles with the opposing team's punkass benchwarmers. Go C's!

Latest Knick to Be Accused of Sexual Harrassment?

2009-01-13T09:33:00.002-05:00

YOU GUESSED IT- EDDY CURRY! AND WHAT KIND OF HARASSMENT WAS IT? YOU GUESSED IT- DUDE ON DUDE!

From the always reliable NY Post:

Knicks center Eddy Curry was slapped with a shocking sex-harassment suit Monday by his former driver, who claims the 6-foot-11 hoopster tried to solicit gay sex from him.

The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

These charges sound absolutely ridiculous. But... are they so ridiculous that they couldn't possibly NOT be true? Perhaps! Now, if you don't want to hear about Eddy Curry semen in a towel being picked up by his chauffeur, or a series of racial slurs, close your eyes!

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says.

Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racial discrimination, saying that Curry hurled slurs at him including "f---ing Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

Outrageous!

And in a disturbing episode reminiscent of some of the evidence in the manslaughter case against former Nets star Jayson Williams, Kuchinsky further claims in his suit that Curry pointed a "fully loaded" gun at him on at least two separate occasions to keep him from complaining about his treatment.

"Look, I have one in the chamber," Curry allegedly said.

Spooky. I*Heart*Celtics staffers are working around the clock to verify the credibility of a report that, also like Jayson Williams, Eddy Curry told Dwayne Schintzius to shoot his dog. This sounds like horrible treatment. This driver must want a ton of money from the overpaid fatass, right? Wrong!

But shortly after starting work, he soon found his duties fell well outside his job description and "progressively became Curry's "house-boy,'" his suit says. He is seeking $98,000 plus compensatory damages from the injured Knick, whose contract pays him $9.4 million this year.

Kuchinsky says he is owed $68,000 in unpaid wages, as well as $25,000 in expenses for which Curry never repaid him.

So, from what I can tell, this guy wants about $200,000 from Curry- this couldn't have been settled out of court? Doesn't Curry have cars worth more than that? Why would his lawyers let this get to trial? Don't they realize that Curry will forever be known for "Come and touch it, Dave" like Vick is known as Ron Mexico? I'm not too confident with Curry's representation... but here is their side of the story.

[Curry's] lawyer, Kelly Saindon, denied all of Kuchinsky's allegations, calling them "absolutely untrue," and saying he began making a series of claims for unpaid wages several months ago, upping the ante each time.

Saindon said Curry took a chance on hiring Kuchinsky despite a criminal record that includes a three-year prison sentence for a 1992 burglary in New Jersey. He also got three years' probation in a 2004 resisting-arrest case in the Garden State, records show.

"It's shocking that Eddy opened his home to a convicted felon out of prison, and gave him a job when he couldn't find a job, and this is what comes out of it," she said. "The entire thing is preposterous."

Seems like they should have just paid the unpaid wages a while back and just be done with it. Then again, Curry is a member of the Knicks franchise, who thought it wise to go to trial with a woman that they ritualistically harassed over a long period of time, that way the whole organization could be ritualistically publicly humiliated by said woman... and THEN pay her the $11 million she was seeking.

Memo to Eddy Curry- if one of your employees wants a little extra coin after you part ways, and you've been treating him like a lowly manservant whilst "hurling racial slurs" at him and telling him to touch your weiner... just open up your wallet. Hell, even if none of the allegations are true, open up your wallet and be glad that you don't have to go to trial with someone who will make scurrilous accusations. And, figure "lesson learned" and DON'T HIRE A CONVICTED FELON TO BE YOUR DRIVER. Felons are felons for a reason.

Anyway, thanks to Eddy not consulting I*Heart*Celtics as legal council, it looks as though we're going to get another outrageous Knicks-related trial, probably during some of the slowest sports news months of the year. So, everybody except for the people involved is a winner!

Portland Front Office Threatens Everybody

2009-01-09T09:48:00.003-05:00

PAUL ALLEN WILL PAY NO SUCH LUXURY TAX!!! PAUL ALLEN WILL ALSO NOT PAY FOR A $1 TOOTHBRUSH!!! BLAUUUGH!!!!!

According to Yahoo and SI, the Blazers front office has sent out the following email to the rest of the NBA:

" 'Team Presidents and General Managers,

'The Portland Trail Blazers are aware that certain teams may be contemplating signing Darius Miles to a contract for the purpose of adversely impacting the Portland Trail Blazers Salary Cap and tax positions. Such conduct from a team would violate its fiduciary duty as an NBA joint venturer. In addition, persons or entities involved in such conduct may be individually liable to the Portland Trail Blazers for tortuously interfering with the Portland Trail Blazers' contract rights and perspective economic opportunities.

'Please be aware that if a team engages in such conduct, the Portland Trail Blazers will take all necessary steps to safeguard its rights, including, without limitation, litigation.' "

What the hell. I'm sure everyone is pointing out that it was the Blazers that signed Miles to that ridiculous contract, it was the Blazers who said he was physically unable to perform, and it's well within any NBA team's rights to sign Miles for however long they want to! Furthermore, you can't blacklist a player just because you don't want to pay the luxury tax! They actually think they can SUE somebody for employing somebody that they no longer employ, to save THEM money? Newsflash, douchebags, the rest of the NBA has to pay their contracts and the luxury tax if it applies even if their players get hurt. You have, I believe, THE richest owner and you're bitching!?

The Blazers got a sweetheart deal when they were allowed to take Miles' contract off the books. THEY signed him to the deal, and if he hadn't gotten hurt, they would have been paying the luxury tax. It's their own fault. And, if teams want to sign Miles just to screw over the Blazers, it's perfectly within their rights. If you want to screw over another team, do it. Teams don't trade within their division, do they?

We have all seen that basketball karma is a lot more direct this season than in years past. The Celtics act like complete a-holes for half the year and then they can't win a game to save their lives. This is going to come down hard on the Blazers. It's too bad, because I like the team, but their front office clearly deserve an entire wing in the Douchebag Hall of Fame. Screw them. FREE DMILES!!!

Whenever I feel blue (and I do), NBA pranks make me smile

2009-01-08T10:44:00.003-05:00

Forget for a moment that the formerly clutch Celtics have been dribbling out of bounds and getting called for travelling down the stretch. Forget for a moment that Yao Ming was dropping in layups last night with the ease that I have on one of those tiny nerf hoops. Forget that the Celtics are about to be eviscerated by the Cavaliers tomorrow night. Watch this video instead:

The classic "popcorn in the car, smearing butter all over the leather interior" prank! A classic.

But the best ever? Saw a hole in a table, call up Rick Mahorn, and invite Manute Bol over for a buffet lunch!

CELTICS LOSE TO BOBCATS; BP LOSES FAITH IN HUMANITY

2009-01-06T23:34:00.002-05:00

WALKER WIGGLES HIS WAY THROUGH FIELD SOBRIETY TEST; SUBSEQUENTLY ARRESTED

2009-01-05T18:07:00.003-05:00

Not a good situation for our old buddy Antoine. After being bought out by Memphis this year, 'Twan has just been chilling, wondering about why you still can't shoot 4's even though it's 2009, and apparently drinking heavily. Following the lead of Charles Barkley and Jason Richardson, Twan was busted for driving under the influence. From the AP story:

MIAMI (AP) — Former NBA player Antoine Walker was charged with suspicion of drunk driving in Miami Beach early Monday morning, further hurting his chances of playing again this season.

Walker was driving a black Mercedes without the lights on when he was pulled over at 5:39 a.m., according to the arrest report. Officers detected a strong odor of alcohol and wrote in the report that Walker had a sleepy look on his face. He refused a breathalyzer test.

Not good times. The time of day is depressing, the fact that he wasn't driving with his lights on is depressing, refusing a breathalyzer is depressing, and the fact that he "had a sleepy look on his face" was somehow in the police report is depressing. That's how Antoine looks all the time, you ass! He looks like a tired panda. It isn't his fault!

Rough days for Antoine. Hopefully this is the wakeup call and we can see him back on the court someday soon. Here is a clip from a happier, wigglier time:

CELTICS THINK ABOUT SIGNING STEPHON MARBURY; DANNY AINGE ALSO CONSIDERS ALLOWING HEROIN ADDICTED HOMELESS PERSON TO BABYSIT HIS GRANDKIDS

2009-01-05T12:33:00.002-05:00

Peter May makes the case for Steph on the Celtics, and I remain thoroughly and decidedly unconvinced. People continue to make Corey Dillon/Randy Moss comparisons and they continue to be insulting to all of us that can read above a third grade level.

Dillon and Moss were top-tier players, available at a huge discount, that played positions that the Patriots desperately needed to upgrade. They were known to be a pain in the asses of some of the worst coaches/franchises in NFL history. There was a minimal risk to nab one of the top players in the league. The Pats knew that while Bill Belichick couldn't be counted on to not be a scumbag in his personal life, he could somehow convince football players to follow team rules.

This situation is the opposite. Stephon Marbury is a severely limited player on the wane that couldn't get consistent minutes on one of the worst teams in modern history. The Celtics already have a potential All-Star point guard, improving every game, who has been one of the most consistent performers on the team thus far this year. However, as we all know, he does have a fragile ego and does not respond well when he gets his minutes cut for just-signed old dudes (think Sam Cassell). The Celtics have their starting point guard already. While the Patriots needed a tough running back (Dillon) and then a game-breaking wideout (Moss), the Celtics don't need a shoot-first point guard. I don't know who is telling the Celtics that they need one, but that person is a moron.

There is no need for a scoring point as a backup, either, because they already have Eddie House. House is a better shooter and already has a defined role on the team that is working out nicely. If the Celtics do need another backup- and they don't- Stephon Marbury is the WORST possible candidate.

While Dillon and Moss had caused problems within their terrible teams, Stephon Marbury has caused problems with every single team he has ever been on. Literally! He has worn out his welcome everywhere he has ever played. Coaches have a remarkable ability to get fired after one year with Stephon. I'm pretty sure that's unprecedented for such a top-shelf talent. Adding this colossal douche to the locker room- basketball ability aside- is AT BEST CASE SCENARIO detrimental.

And it's not as if the Celtics are a great locker room as it is. These guys are held together by a common goal, Scalabrine's unrequited love for them, and not much else. We all remember that Globe profile last year that showed KG was a frothing maniac, Ray Allen was constantly dusting and Purel-ing everything and complaining about people being fifteen seconds late, and Paul Pierce was rolling into practice wearing yesterday's clothes after staying up all night. Add to the fact that Rondo is washing his hands during games and wearing his headband upside-down because he's so superstitious, Big Baby is crying on the sidelines, and Patrick O'Bryant spends his days worrying that Jason Richardson has filled his possessions with popcorn... this is a delicate team led by a "player's coach" i.e. pushover.

I don't buy this, "He's a no-risk investment" argument, either. So you take a delicate situation and add to it a sociopath. When does that ever work. This isn't Randy Moss walking off the field with five seconds left. This isn't Corey Dillon complaining about his coaches being idiots. This is a guy with a head tattoo that bangs interns in the back of vans.

Consider if your parents said, "We're going to try out a new babysitter. Sure, you love your babysitter. Sure, she's piping hot and a total sweetheart. And sure, he's an ex-felon and he mentioned that he is 'desperate for cash,' but get this! He used to be an Eagle Scout and he'll babysit for 3 bucks an hour! This could be a great situation, and if it doesn't work out we'll just fire him." Great idea.

News flash to Danny Ainge- there aren't many humans that like being forced to deal with colossal douchebags for no reason. Generally it harms a workplace. Actually, adding a colossal douchebag to any situation generally worsens the situation even after said douchebag is removed, because people resent being forced to deal with said douchebag.

And all this is predicated on the assumption that Stephon will gladly accept being a second-string point guard, which he has never done, ever! EVER!!!!!!!! That's a mighty big assumption there. Also, this is predicated on the assumption that Marbury will adopt the "team first" approach that led the team to the NBA title last year, which Marbury has never done, ever!!!! EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

So, to recap, if the Celtics sign Marbury, they will (potentially) screw up their team to acquire a player that addresses exactly ZERO of their needs. The Celtics don't need another shoot-first point guard. They may, MAY need another solid floor general but that's not what Marbury is. At all. No, no, he's the exact opposite.

If the Celtics want to improve, getting some size up front is the way to do it, not adding the head-tattooed maniac who had sex with a Knicks intern in a van and insists upon being paid $21 million a year for doing nothing. I implore the Celtics to stay the hell away from Marbury. Please, Danny. At the very least, think of the interns!

What the crap is going on!?!?

2009-01-04T21:25:00.003-05:00

I*HEART*CELTICS GOES ON CHRISTMAS VACATION, EVERY DAMN THING GOES FRIGGIN' HAYWIRE; CETICS LOSE TO WOEFUL KNICKS, KG IS BANGED UP, CELTICS ARE LOSING TO LOUSY TEAMS LIKE IT'S THEIR JOB

The Celtics have had some bad nights from their big guns, the incredible start to the season has been completely derailed and.... the Celtics still have the best record in the Eastern Conference. Here's my take on it- once the Celtics lost to the Lakers, and the streak was over, they have lost their focus. It's kind of like somebody that goes on a diet (and a big reason why diets don't work)- once the fatty breaks the diet and has a twinkie, he/she/Scalabrine will eat ten twinkies. This is what has happened to the Celtics. Everything they had was going into this streak, then they lost a tough game, and now they are getting outhustled by the likes of Chris Duhon and Wilson Chandler on a nightly basis.

I don't know what the solution is here, but part of it is definitely getting KG healthy. Giving him a couple games off paid off huge dividends last year. Other than that, I don't know what else you can do other than get some extra rest and work on boxing out (I guess those are mutually exclusive). Other than that, these guys need some TLC. If you see Tony Allen, offer to punch somebody he doesn't like in the face. If you see the Truth, give him some dap and throw up some gang signs he's sympathetic to. If you see Big Baby, open up your trough to him and fill it with slop. You get the idea. Our boys will return to their former glory before you know it.

Happy Frickin' Holidays. UGLY Game In Portland Leads to 3rd Loss in 4 Games.

2008-12-31T13:52:00.004-05:00

First Kobe took a dump in our Christmas stockings. Then the Golden State Warriors crashed Chanukah. Now on the eve of New Years Eve, a Roy-less Portland Trail Blazers finished 2008 delivering the Celtics their 3rd loss in the last week. Thats more losses than they had in the last two months.

Sure no one's panicking. The Celtics are at the end of a long Western road trip, and its only natural that they fade. But for a while we thought the Celtics were near invincible, and now all of a sudden we are finding a few holes in the Celtic's underwear.

The Celtics are just one big-man short. We saw it last night and we've seen it before. Leone and Baby have been doing their thang, but they lack a true backup center. Especially, since Patrick O'Bryant has a warm-up suit fused to his body.

The same can be said for the point guard position. Eddie House is not a point guard. He's fine to get by, but when the chips are down, we need a backup to run the show. While Gabe Pruitt does a lot of smiling, he does not do a lot of playing. Until Starbury arrives, the Celtics will just have to make do.

These 3 losses were more of a fluke than anything, but keep in mind the Celtics are not perfect. The NBA cream of the crop is creamier this year and if the Celtics are going to outlast the Cavs, Hawks, and Lakers, again this year, they still have work to do.

BEAT LA

2008-12-23T23:57:00.003-05:00

BIG BABY GETS JIGGILY ON THE BENCH (GLAD HE'S OK); CHANT STARTS WITH FIVE MINUTES LEFT OF LATEST BLOWOUT WIN FOR THE CELTICS; SIXERS ARE THE LATEST TEAM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HARSH TREATMENT WHILE BEING HUMILIATED

The Celtics put on another clinic tonight, and again the opponent complained about the trash talk. I love this stuff. Memo to humanity- if you're losing, and you're complaining about the behavior of the team beating you, shut up and get better. Honestly. Iguodala is the latest:

Sixers forward Andre Iguodala complained about the Celtics' trash-talking and warned them to heed the lesson set by another confident Boston team that won 18 straight before losing No. 19.

"Something like the Patriots. They were undefeated and lost in the finals," Iguodala said of the NFL team that lost in the Super Bowl after a season of running up the score. "Everyone knows they [the Celtics] won a championship and everyone knows they're a great team. It takes away from the feat. Teams don't respect that."

Listen Andre, you're fast being mentioned amongst the worst contracts in the league. Your team is 12-16 after making the biggest offseason free agent splash in the offseason. Someone might beat the Celtics, but I don't think it's going to be you, Andre. In fact, unless you do something drastic, you might worry a little less about what the Celtics are saying and more about being behind the Milwaukee Bucks in the standings. Yes, the Milwaukee Bucks.

The Celtics let their bench stretch their legs out a bit, Leon Powe got some serious reps at the free throw line, and Scals had a sweet pass to set up a Powe jam. Scals, as a matter of fact, has been pretty damn good lately, so props to him. The C's looked loose, yet fired up to beat the piss out of those nancy boys sunning themselves in Los Angeles.

UP NEXT: CHRISTMAS MASSACRE IN L.A.

BIG BABY GETS IN (ANOTHER) CAR ACCIDENT; CELTICS WIN 18th STRAIGHT

2008-12-21T22:19:00.003-05:00

AWKWARD
First of all, hopefully Big Baby can bounce back quickly, but it is a little worrisome that he gets into dangerous car accidents on what seems to be a fairly regular basis. (There was a bad one back in college.) While it certainly isn't fair to conclude that Big Baby is a bad driver- it could be bad luck- I just hope that Big Baby minds his 10's and 2's, signals properly, and does not funnel cake batter whilst driving.

As for the game tonight, the Celtics won their 18th straight. People keep on saying that the Celtics can break the record for best start by a team with two losses. If anyone could explain what the hell this means I would appreciate it. With two losses? Are they on pace for the best start ever? Has there been a team that started 26-1? I don't get the "with two losses" qualifier, and why that is significant. If it's the best start ever, say so. All I know is that the Celtics are ridiculously good and they beat the ever-loving shitcakes out of bad teams. Which brings us to tonight's game.

The last time the Celtics played the Knicks the Knicks had all kinds of smack to talk after the game. We were all very impressed with their street smarts, their terrifying demeanor, and tough "trash" talk. As soon as Quentin Richardson started his postgame interview last time I locked all the doors in my house, and now I pee myself on reflex whenever I see Moesha. Well, those street toughs backed up that smack talk tonight, as Scal rained threes on their sorry asses in another soul-destroying rout. I'm sure if the game was played in the terrifying neighborhoods in which they grew up in it would have been a completely different story... much like if the game was played with a 35-pound medicine ball instead of a basketball it would have been a completely different story. To recap, Quentin Richardson is dumb.

Rondo was, again, the best player for the Celtics, or the other team. He was all over the place, especially in the third, driving by whoever was guarding him and tossing in easy layups. I loved his postgame quote from the ESPN recap:

The Knicks trailed 69-63 before Rondo took advantage of some poor interior defense, driving past defenders -- mostly Chris Duhon and Quentin Richardson -- for layups and all of Boston's points in a 10-4 run that put the Celtics ahead by 12.

He was 12-of-14 from the floor for the game.

"I think eight of them were layups. So, hah, I make my layups," Rondo said.

Yes he does. The Celtics can break the franchise record for wins in a row (now that's a record!) if they can beat the Sixers at home on Tuesday. Go C's, and hopefully everyone traveling for the holidays will do better than Big Baby. Feel better, Baby!

EDDY CURRY SUED BY CASUAL MALE

2008-12-21T01:09:00.002-05:00

NO, "CASUAL MALE" ISN'T THE MALE EXOTIC DANCER THAT JASON CAFFEY, GARY PAYTON AND SAM CASSELL ROUGHED UP IN TORONTO BACK IN THE DAY

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

When Eddy Curry wasn't wearing his Bulls uniform, he favored $1,400 cashmere sweaters and $350 dress shirts, a lawsuit filed Wednesday alleges.

Curry racked up a bill of more than $41,000 at Casual Male Retail Group, and two years later it remains unpaid, the suit says.

The company says Curry owes an additional $5,424 in interest from his 2006 shopping sprees.

''It's just a matter of him buying clothing he didn't pay for,'' said Edward Margolis, the attorney representing Casual Male and Jared M. Custom Clothing, a business popular with professional athletes that once was owned by Casual Male.

Margolis confirmed that the defendant was the former Bulls player, who is on the New York Knicks' roster.

Purchases on Curry's shopping trips, which occurred between January and April 2006, included $22,000 in suits, eight sweaters ranging from a $750 wool crew-neck to a $1,390 cashmere V-neck and more than $3,700 in ties.

First, a word for the wise, don't Google Image search for "Casual Male" because I'm sure it will bring up all kinds of shenanigans. Actually, Casual Male is a clothing store for exceptionally large men both in girth and in height. Don't google that last sentence either.

Casual Male is an amusing name for a store, but it still pales in comparison to my favorite chain: The Dress Barn. Man, I love that place. It's a store where cows, slampigs, and alien horse faces can go and be hosed down before getting some hunk of fabric roped to their disgusting fat bodies. What self-respecting HUMAN BEING want to shop at a BARN!? Coming soon: a healthy new fast food option- The Slop Trough.

BP Getting All Kinds of Gibberish About Jerome Moiso in his Google Alerts

2008-12-20T14:28:00.003-05:00

I love my Google alerts. "NBA" + "arrested" provides me with almost daily amusement. "Dino Radja" provides me with daily confusion. "Jerome Moiso" provides a steady stream of (for me) incomprehensible gibberish. Since he has played in several countries, the alerts come in all kinds of languages, which I then plug into Google Translate. It doesn't help much. Here's the latest (translated from Spanish):

The downward Pops Mensah-Bonsu will be covered eventually by the French Jérôme Moïso pivot, who signed with the Penya until end of season

MORE INFORMATION

* Pau Gasol will DJ for a Day

Drafting

The pivot of 30 years and 2.11 stature of the contract settlement that has linked him to Khimki, Russian club who currently trains the Italian Sergio Scariolo, to return to Chennai.

The player and his family are planning their arrival at Barcelona this Sunday at 1330 hours and its debut is scheduled for Dec. 28 at the Palau Olimpic before the High Management Fuenlabrada.

Jérôme Moïso has left the Khimki after not having minutes of play until the arrival of the team Scariolo. French was the number one objective of DKV Joventut to replace Pops Mensah Bonsu.

The team led by Sito Alonso will win the internal potential with the presence of Moses, a pivot agile than last year rennet in Badalona his best season after arriving in Europe in the 2006-2007 season from the NBA.

In his first season in the old continent, Moses played on three teams: the Lottomatica Roma, the Fortitudo Bologna and Real Madrid. With the Spanish team won the CBA League.

After training at the university of UCLA was selected by Boston in position 11 of the NBA draft in 2001. In the American professional league played in Boston, Charlotte / New Orleans, Toronto, and New Jersey.

The random link about Pau Gasol DJ'ing only for one day is particularly tantalizing. I also like how they refer to Moiso as "Moses." I guess it's fitting, if by "Moses" they are referring to the guy that was leading everyone around aimlessly in the desert for a couple decades. We could probably flesh out this comparison a little further if we wanted to- but I think the metaphor breaks down once you think that the bondage that we were in (under Pharoah Pitino)... Moiso didn't deliver us. Anyway, if anyone can tell me what the hell is going on with the Rick Pitino's prized draft pick from this gibberish, or you can read Spanish (less impressive) please pass it along.

IN SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS, CELTICS DESTROY CHICAGO BULLS

2008-12-20T13:18:00.003-05:00

THIS PICTURE IS WEIRD

PERKINS TAKES A TURN GOING F***** APESHIT AND THROWS IN A CAREER-HIGH 25 POINTS; RONDO HAS 15 ASSISTS; RAYRAY POPS OFF FOR 27; TONY ALLEN HAS THE BEST DUNK OF THE YEAR FOR THE C'S IN GARBAGE TIME

Not a lot to report here, it was a pretty easy victory for the Celtics. Rondo was on point again, Perkins was dumping in every putback, and Ray Ray was $$$ from distance. The Celtics shot 59% from the floor and from the third quarter on, per usual during this streak, it was all Celtics. I was impressed, watching it on my Slingbox per usual, at how many people were at the game despite the massive snowstorm.

There were only 2,661 no-shows scared away by the first major storm of the winter. Snow started falling in the afternoon and scared most drivers off the roads for the evening rush hour; most employers and schools sent people home early.

Rivers arranged for downtown hotel rooms for his players and encouraged them to stay in the city between the morning shootaround and the game. Many took him up on it, he said, and none had any trouble making it to the arena.

Many of the fans also cleared out before it was over to get an early start home, but Pierce was impressed that they came at all.

"This is Boston. This is not going to stop them,'' the Los Angeles native said. "I saw a guy jogging today - in shorts.''

The question is this, Keytown, did you at least give Paul a thumbs up as he drove past you?

Jason Caffey Update

2008-12-19T09:18:00.003-05:00

The latest installment in the Jason Caffey saga has- wait for it- landed him in court! The dude that drives a $350,000 car while not paying child support on his estimated 10 kids with 8 different women recently filed for Chapter 11. Now he's going to court, accused of forging signatures on documents to sell off property - wait for it - to satisfy a negotiated child support settlement! Why he would need to forge these signatures... I don't know... but this is also a guy that once allegedly assaulted a male exotic dancer in Toronto with Sam Cassell and Gary Payton. If you hate yourself, you can watch all the videos put out by the allegedly assaulted parties on Youtube. Let's just say that there were no winners, definitely no winners, in that debacle. Anyway, onto the latest Caffey news:

Former pro basketball player Jason Caffey has been hit with a lawsuit accusing him of using forged signatures on legal documents to transfer property.

The lawsuit, filed in Mobile County Circuit Court, also names the woman to whom rental properties were transferred, as well as the notary public who witnessed the transaction and the title company that handled the refinancing of the properties.

Caffey put up the properties as part of a negotiated settlement in a child-support case.

The plaintiff, Nicole Carter, is one of at least eight women with whom Caffey has had children, according to court records.

He battled with many of them in court over unpaid child support and filed for bankruptcy protection last year to avoid jail on a contempt charge in Tuscaloosa for failure to pay child support.

U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Margaret A. Mahoney dis missed the bankruptcy in October after concluding Caffey could not present a confirmable Chapter 11 plan. That freed the women to seek sanctions against him in state courts.

When describing Caffey's children, you must start with an "at least" or an "estimated." His ongoing battle to keep his #1 deadbeat NBA dad douchebag has been truly inspired... he is basically a lock to be the first man to appear in the IHeartCeltics "Top NBA Crimes of the Year" three times in a row for basically the same crime. I'm not going to say that he's DEFINITELY going to make that list, but forging documents to sign over properties to pay off a child support settlement for an estimated 10 kids with 8 different women in several different states..... that gets quite a few points for creativity. We here at IHeartCeltics wish him the worst of luck in his upcoming trials.

LUDACRIS PRANCES; KG IMPLORES HAWKS TO SIT DOWN, SHUT UP; CELTICS WIN 16th IN A ROW

2008-12-18T11:15:00.003-05:00

LUDACRIS POWERLESS AGAINST THE MACHINE

Atlanta understands matchups- they know that they are far more young and athletic than the Celtics and they exploit that advantage. They also know that Boston has a serious hip-hop deficiency, so they brought out Ludacris to perform at halftime. It was intimidating, to be sure, for LESSER MORTALS. Not for our homeboy, #1 NBA jackass and NBA champion, Kevin Garnett.

I don't think there are many people out there that contend that KG isn't clutch, but if there are, I would be willing to bet that they also are 9/11 conspiracy theorists and believe that aliens assassinated President Kennedy. Meaning, you have to be either a narcissistic, logic-hating troglodyte or mentally ill to believe that KG isn't clutch. As a big man, he has a supreme disadvantage when it comes to being "clutch" because the NBA in the final seconds is all about running the clock down to three seconds, making a move, and shooting a fadeaway. Still! When he has his opportunities, he gets it done, and I challenge you- nay, I DEFY you - to find a big man that is more clutch than KG.

Case in point, last night, in Atlanta, with Atlanta ALL KRUNKED UP for this game, KG was shooting 2-10 from the floor... until crunch time, when he went 5-5 and won the game for the Celtics. Sure, it's Atlanta. Sure, it's the regular season. However, this was an intense game and we all know that the Celtics struggle against the Hawks. (It's all about matchups, peeps!)

Rondo had another outstanding game, Perk stuffed four shots, and the starters had to do all of the heavy lifting (only 13 points from the bench, and the Hawks only played 8!).

Great win for the Celtics. Even though the Hawks embarrassed the Celtics in the first round last year and got all up in their domepieces, the C's weren't intimidated last night and got the job done. It was a statement game, in a week nobody will remember that Joe Johnson could have tied it up with a free throw.

Go C's, go power companies.

After painstaking deliberation, I Heart Celtics submits its vote for Eastern Conference All Stars

2008-12-16T16:25:00.003-05:00

RONDO'S BETTER

2008-12-16T09:22:00.003-05:00

GOES APESHIT IN FINAL 6 MINUTES EN ROUTE TO CAREER-HIGH 25 POINTS TO GO WITH 9 REBOUNDS, 8 ASSISTS, AND THREE STEALS

Rondo should be in the All-Star game, we all know it, and hopefully everyone else now knows it thanks to his mug all over the ESPN front page stripping Deron Williams.

The arguments against Rondo being an All-Star are asinine. My favorite is the argument that he doesn't have a jump shot... when he's shooting 51% from the floor. Would these idiots rather he was shooting jump shots like Allen Iverson (40% from the floor this year), Jason Kidd (career 40% from the floor, and just barely), Paul Pierce (39% from the floor this year) or Tracy McGrady (39% from the floor this year)? Isn't the whole point to MAKE your shots, from wherever it is you shoot them? I understand that a jump shot supposedly makes you a complete player, but if Rondo would rather take it to the cup, and it's working, why hold that against him?

My second favorite is the argument that he has a great team, so he can't help but be great. Yeah... I'm sure Matt Maloney would have been just as good for the Celtics. Honestly... how much better do these HATERS need Rondo to play in order to convince them that he's a top-flight point? The answer is that these people are arrogant know-nothing douches that wouldn't know good basketball if it put on a leather mask, broke into their house, ripped open the curtain while they were in the shower, and smacked them in the face with a morning star.

As for the game, it was a good one for the C's. What was strange was that down the stretch it was Rondo and Perk that preserved the Celtics' lead against the hard-charging Jazz. The Jazz are a well-coached team that is getting better as the season wears on, so it was nice to see the Celtics take what the Jazz were giving them defensively and win a tight game.

It was a little freaky to see Paul clutching his knee there at the end, but he didn't seem to worried, and after seeing the replay, neither was I. Let's just say that we've seen this before... only the last time this happened he had to be taken off the court in a wheelchair whilst crying and then returned ten minutes later to torch the Lakers in the NBA Finals.... and then play the rest of the series without a problem. Regardless, hope he bounces back soon.

UP NEXT (updated)
@the Hawks Wednesday, then the Bulls, on Friday. SLAUGHTERHOUSE

CHAOS IN NBA

2008-12-15T11:22:00.002-05:00

This season has been crazy in the coconut. Time to get caught up...

-Celtics are 22-2, but more shocking are the Cavs, who are 20-4

-Chairman Yi is leading KG in the All-Star voting, but the Celtics could potentially put four players into the All-Star game (vote for Rondo, homies and homegirls!)

-Dikembe Mutumbo wants to come out of retirement to play with the Celtics, and Stephon Marbury is trying to negotiate a buyout sans agent and then sign with the C's

-Back to KG, everyone outside of Boston apparently now thinks he is a complete dick, breaking the 2004 Red Sox record for "Speed in which nationwide goodwill turns into nationwide contempt"

-Antoine Walker expects to be bought out today and wants to join a contender (like the Celtics)

-Maurice Cheeks was fired by the Sixers, who spent a bajillion dollars on Elton Brand and Andre Iguodala in the offseason with ZERO results

-The Toronto Raptors have signed frikkin' Jake Voskuhl

-Steve Nash is bitching about trading Raja Bell/Boris Diaw for Jason Richardson. Why so upset, Steve, are you nostalgic for the days of Raja sexually assaulting Kobe for 40mpg in the playoffs while Kobe scores 40 points and beats the Suns?

-Darius Miles has signed with Memphis. "Perfect Score 2: Electric Bugaloo" rumored to be in pre-production as a result.

CELTICS TAKE POSEY AND THE REST OF THE HORNETS TO POUND TOWN

2008-12-12T23:43:00.002-05:00

Even though it was an away-home back to back, the Celtics were able to take it pretty easy against the Wizards last night and they played just well enough to beat the Hornets tonight at home. Despite only getting a "A" games from Pierce, Perk and KG, really, the C's pulled away in the second half to win 94-82. The Hornets, despite being the quote unquote "sexy" pick to start the year according to every blowhard basketball journalist, none of which appears to have any idea what the word "sexy" means, the Hornets didn't strike me as a very dangerous-looking team. (Granted, they were without Tyson Chandler.) Bill Simmons wrote a week or so ago about the crappy body language on the Hornets... and I guess it was just a matter of time. Celtics fans remember what a tremendous douche, even in NBA terms, Byron Scott was when he was with the Nets. He's one of the least likable coaches in the league from a personality standpoint. He sets the gold standard for pettiness. He makes the most shrill bloggers look like dignified statesmen. Additionally, it's not as though he's a brilliant tactician, either, unless having the best point guard in the league run the team while you stand with a sour-ass expression on your face and your arms folded makes you the Erwin Rommel of the NBA.

Tonight was one of those nights similar to watching the Celtics-Blazers game a couple days ago... with the Blazers, there was all this talk about the Blazers being THE up-and-coming team... but then they start Steve Blake? Tonight, when the players were giving each other dap before the tipoff tonight, I was thinking, "Really? Peja, Rasual Butler, and Hilton Armstrong? What the F!? Are we serious!?"

Now I know that people think that about Rondo and Perk every night, somewhat justifiably, and I know Tyson Chandler was out, but the Hornets only have three players, Chandler included, that should be doing 30+ minutes a night at this point. Granted, all three of those players could be All-Stars in the right season, but the team as a whole is lacking something... I don't know the team well enough to diagnose it... oh wait a minute, I do. THEY START PEJA FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. This is a team that needs some more perimeter talent, stat. Oh, and a coach that isn't a complete dick. I know Nic and Keytown were at the game tonight, maybe they can shed some light on the situation.

I wound up feeling badly for Posey once he had his ring and the game was underway, there's NO WAY he'd rather be on the Hornets than the Celtics right now. Oh well, we still love him, and always will. Congrats and thanks again for the title, Posey, I grant you one week of not mentioning your hilarious drunken parking arrest on this blog as a thank you/Christmas/birthday present.

The Celtics get a much-deserved weekend off, resuming against the all-over-the-frikkin-place Jazz on Monday.

MIKE JAMES AND JAVARIS CRITTENTON'S TRICKS ARE USELESS; CELTICS OBLITERATE WIZARDS

2008-12-11T23:47:00.002-05:00

This was the first game of the season I was able to witness in the flesh, in a three-quarter full Verizon Center of half dorky-looking Celtics fans, one quarter weird dudes talking to me about his latest 50 mile race, and one quarter belligerent drunken Wizards fans. Two wannabe Wizards thugs even roughed up a pudgy middle aged Celtics fan right next to us.

My companion for this fine contest will remain anonymous, but let's just say his name rhymes with Spaniel Goo On Ya. This man is a fine lad with whom I am well pleased.

Here are some in-person observations about the C's:

1) Their offense, I dare say, looks a lot better than last year. Rondo is far more confident and he is WAY more aggressive pushing the ball in transition. Remember last year, when we were complaining for three quarters of the season about how Doc would never let Rondo push the ball? I barely do, either, because Rajon was tearing up and down the floor tonight. The ball was out of his hands quickly, the offense was moving quickly, and the ball was constantly in motion. He also hit a nice jumper in perfect stride, instead of hitting a do-you-think-he'll-shoot-it-oh-dear-God-no-woah-he-actually-made-it herkey jerky miracle shot.

2) Paul Pierce is far more mature this year than last. Last year he got into pissing matches with Caron Butler and wound up ruining the Celtics offense single-handily. This year, even after stuffing Butler at the buzzer to end the first half, he just jogged off the court. While his 39% from the floor does concern me a bit, he's taking good shots and I'm sure he'll come around.

3) Ray Allen has found another good way to score points- transition! Amazing how this works. Last year the Celtics had trouble finding Jesus some good looks. He played well, but he didn't totally fit on the team (consistently) until the NBA Finals. This year, with Rondo pushing the ball, he gets a lot of good looks in transition and he's having a great year as a result.

4) Perkins threw down a sick dunk on JaVale McGee. (However, JaVale looks like he was a very good pick, even for a dude that makes Travis Knight look like Brock Lesnar.) Anyway, Perk didn't have to play that much but you do notice him a lot more when you see the games in person. Other teams seem to take a lot more jump shots with him in the lineup- I wish there was some kind of statistic to check this out.

5) Javaris Crittenton got a raw deal... his line of 6 minutes, 4 turnovers may be the stuff of legend. I am sure Basketbawful will take notice. However! First things first, it was his first game with the team. Second, the Wizards coach didn't leave the bench for the entire game. Third, if you watch the tape, and I'm sure some nerd out there will, at least three of those turnovers weren't his fault. He'd take it to the lane, look to dish... but everyone was cutting AWAY from the basket! It was especially striking and disturbing in contrast to the Celtics, who were all cutting to the basket no matter who had the ball (KG and PP had 7 and 6 assists, respectively). I didn't blame Javaris, the offensive sets he was running for the first time made no sense whatsoever. He would dribble, his teammates would scatter. What the hell!

6) KG had a good night, but three of his five awful turnovers were lazy-ass passes that led to steals by the always plucky and opportunistic Juan Dixon. I was going to say that KG's horrible lollygagging bounce passes that were easily stolen were the only bad things about the Celtics' performance, then I remembered that Scal got stuffed at the buzzer by Dominic McGuire. (Also, let the record show that Scal had a block that was not recorded in the box score.)

7) I would say that I wished the Celtics had a savvy veteran like Juan Dixon to back up Rondo, but Eddie House went 4-5 from deep and I think he has the quickest release in the game. Plus, Gabe could play 20mpg for most teams in the NBA, right now.

8) In garbage time, Big Baby hit two contested 20-foot jumpers. I didn't think he had it in him, and I was glad to see that he did, because unless he sheds 20 pounds and can actually jump he is going to get stuffed every other time he shoots. He's shooting 33% from the field and he's a 4. I would wager that he is at least in the league's top five for getting his shots blocked per minute. So, time for Big Baby to get some range, glad he's working on it.

9) Also in garbage time, our favorite Irishman Popcorn O'Bryant had a very productive day! 2 points on a nice hook shot, an offensive rebound, 2 assists and a steal. Plus, his hustle saved what would have been a Scal turnover. He was very active and the Wizards had to adjust to him on defense. I gotta say, I love Popcorn!!!

10) Absolutely dismal fantasy performances for me tonight, Nick Young didn't get anything going at all, I don't know what the hell is going on with DeShawn Stevenson, and Perk was alright in the points department but only grabbed three rebounds. Good thing they were all riding the bench... what a horror show.

That's it for now, Celtics take on James Posey n' the Hornets tomorrow. I*Heart*Celtics staffers will be in attendance, hurling racial slurs at Scal with aplomb. Go C's

CELTICS WIN STREAK IN SERIOUS JEOPARDY; WIZARDS CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS

2008-12-10T18:09:00.002-05:00

SWING DEAL FOR TRAITOROUS FORMER CELTIC MIKE JAMES AND JAVARIS CRITTENDON; CELTICS STAFF SCRAMBLES FOR SCOUTING REPORTS ON THESE TWO RINGERS

We remember Mike James, he came out of nowhere to have a decent two-year with the Heat and then played half a season with the Celts. If you need to be re-acquainted with him, check out his fawning Wikipedia page:

The youngest of seven siblings, Mike's childhood was not without challenges. Crime, drugs, and violence troubled his neighborhood streets. Lack of social and economic opportunity made urban living grueling and difficult for Mike and his family. Undirected and uninspired, Mike found solace on the courts. More than recreation, basketball became his bloodline and a way to stay out of trouble. Mike's commitment and daily practice would soon payoff as he was invited to join the Amityville H.S. basketball squad. Unmatched and unbeatable, Mike performed extremely well. Despite his courtside accomplishments and extraordinary talent, no one believed Mike would ever play Division I basketball. Upon graduation, Mike proved every naysayer wrong when he earned a basketball scholarship to Duquesne University in Pittsburgh, PA.

Another nugget:

His personal motto is, "Failure is not an option".

The Celtics are screwed, I tell you. Mike James has intimate knowledge of the Celtics battle station, er, team, and is the only man capable of exploiting its one fatal yet easily accessible weakness. This is the Wizards' Super Bowl. They are going to pull out all the stops, all the trick plays, and all the gimmicks. Lord only knows what kind of shenanigans a man named Javaris can bring to the table. The Celtics win streak is now officially ON THE ROCKS.

STARBURY THINKING CELTICS!?

2008-12-09T18:09:00.002-05:00

From Ken Berger's blog at CBS Sportsline:

* Walsh and banished guard Stephon Marbury could be back at the negotiating table this week to complete buyout talks. Walsh is believed to be considering using the roster spot to sign Patrick Ewing Jr., who excelled with the team in training camp and preseason and has been staying close to the team since then. But the Knicks' banged-up backcourt -- including a groin injury to Nate Robinson -- may compel Walsh to look for guard help. Marbury has no agent, so it is difficult to assess where he might be able to get a new contract. A person with close ties to Marbury told me Miami is the favorite, and insisted that Starbury is intent on talking with the Celtics, who could easily clear a roster spot by releasing Sam Cassell, who has a non-guaranteed contract. With a 20-2 record and designs on winning 70 regular season games and repeating as champions, I would strongly advise Danny Ainge against it.

The idea is so ludicrous that I can't help but love it. My favorite part of this story is the fact that Starbury doesn't have an agent- which has been well known for a while- but the thought of him trying to sell himself to Danny Ainge is fantastic. We complain about agents screwing over the players they represent (like the ManRam situation), but we don't often think about what mayhem would ensue if no player had a professional agent. We'd have a lot more Starbury's and Keon Clark's, that's for damn damn. Which is to say, it would be awesome.

KG is Boston's Alltime Favorite DBag

2008-12-09T10:31:00.002-05:00

I didn't catch this during the Blazers game the other night, but Truehoop did:

KG went from running down the floor wagging his finger as Jose Calderon to getting on all fours and barking at Jerryd Bayless in just a couple short weeks. Odds are that KG is going to expose himself to Goran Dragic by mid-February at the latest.

Celtics Squeeze By Pacers; Big Baby Squeezes Jelly From Three Dozen Jelly Donuts Into His Mouth While He Cries on Sideline

2008-12-08T18:13:00.002-05:00

The Pacers, amazingly, are good this year. How, I still don't understand. They start Rasho, who I would have sworn would playing in the Bulgarian second division if you asked me last year. Additionally, Rasho's backups are as follows: Josh McRoberts, Jeff Foster, and Roy Hibbert. Josh McRoberts' career highlight thus far has been hanging out at his mom's house with Greg Oden. Jeff Foster is basically Chris Dudley with the face of the guy that played Scarecrow in Batman Begins, and Roy Hibbert is a rookie that may be the slowest player in the NBA. And it's not as if these guys are even liabilities! In fact, they're all pretty good! Amazing.

Danny Granger is a legit stud, and I'm still a little bitter that the Celtics barely missed out on drafting him (they got Gerald Green instead, one pick later). However, Marquis Daniels basically didn't miss (11-16 from the floor). I thought I was only going to talk about Marquis Daniels this year when there was a handgun incident of some player got a horrible tattoo. (Remember, Daniels has a tattooed map of the state of Florida on his back and a dude shooting himself in the face with a shotgun on his arm. Moving on.) Anyway, Troy Murphy is a good player and a very difficult matchup (although not for the C's), and the PG combo of TJ Ford and Jarrett Jack is very good. And probably the most amazing thing about the Pacers is that their second best player is Mike Dunleavy, who despite being pale and having a Herman Munster face is a stud at the game of basketball, and he was out with an injury. The Pacers are definitely no fluke, unlike those pansy-ass Trailblazers. I don't care that their record is 7-13, if the Pacers played the Blazers 100 times this season, they would win 100 times. Don't argue with me, it's science.

That being said, you need to be a lot better than "very good" to beat the Celtics this season. I dare say that the team looks even better this year with a much-improved Rondo, Perkins, and Ray Allen (who saw that coming?). Pierce has been a little spotty but he could be relied on to drain the game-tying three in the last seconds of regulation. The combo of Powe, Tony Allen, and Eddie House coming off the bench is devastating. Two out of three of those guys, at least, will have great production in whatever amount of minutes you give them. Against the Pacers, Eddie House grabbed a huge rebound that led to the game-tying assist. I just don't see any exploitable weaknesses for Celtics' opponents. While the Celtics aren't perfect (they did give up a ton of points), they can cover up their shortcomings with schematic adjustments. I still don't think the C's have an answer for Lebron, but they have all season to figure that out.

Great win for the C's. Scals got a three, Doc drew up a nice end-of-the-game play, the C's stepped up right when they needed to, and Danny Granger, the one that got away, gave some satisfyingly bitter quotes in the postgame. The only letdown was Big Baby not reprising his crying on the bench, which has given me hours of amusement. Nobody's perfect, and Scals promised me via text message after the game that he was going to steal Big Baby's Nutter Butters at halftime of the Wizards game on Thursday.

Brandon Roy's Punkass Gets Embarrassed; Big Baby Cries, Celtics Cruise to 11th Straight Over Most Overhyped Team in the Universe

2008-12-06T02:33:00.003-05:00

First things first- Brandon Roy might be a young star, but talking smack during live play to Paul Pierce, the defending Finals MVP, is Spike-Lee-on-the-sidelines lame. You're not MJ, Larry Bird, Gary Payton or even a 39-year-old Sam Cassell. Even Sam-I-Am shoots better than 3-11 from the field and his vertical leap at this point makes Greg Ostertag look like Harold Minor. Sure, Roy nailed a nice turnaround after talking smack, which must have felt good for those two seconds, but his team still lost by 15. I don't get the Blazers, the team is full of "potential" players that make Chad Ford cream his pants, but they still start Steve Blake at point, and Greg Oden amazingly fouled out in 18 minutes. Brandon Roy is pretty much their only real option on offense, they have a team full of young athletic third or fourth bananas. Plus, I know that Greg Oden is a rookie but if he's been playing his whole life and he's 7 feet tall and 300+ pounds and that's what he is today........... um....... good thing they have LaMarcus. It also might not hurt to have a veteran or two on that team, Portland front office, and preferably a veteran that is not Steve Blake. Or the Vanilla Godzilla.

Anyway, the Celtics did what they have been doing during this whole streak, keep the game close through halftime, lay the hammer down, and then.... yell at Big Baby in a team huddle!?

In case you missed it, in other hilarious news, Big Baby cried like a little girl (no hyperbole) after Kevin Garnett yelled at him in a team huddle with the game pretty much decided. Please, please, SOMEBODY tell me what KG said to him that made him cry. Judging from Gabe Pruitt's completely disinterested expression sitting next to that blubbering bag of goo, this isn't out of character for the Baby Huey. I get the impression that Gabe Pruitt hears Big Baby cry several times a day, about completely inconsequential shit, because if that tubby behemoth was sobbing next to me you can bet your ass I would be staring. Gabe couldn't care less. We've heard some grumblings from Celtics camp that Big Baby is a prima donna, we know for a fact he's never in shape. Perhaps KG said something horrible about Big Baby's mother. Maybe he said the unthinkable- that modeling your NBA career after WWF great Yokozuna is a terrible idea. (That sound you hear is Nic crying.) I don't know. But all signs point to Big Baby being a Gigantic Pussy and please let me be the first to issue the clarion call to all Celtics fans to find the testicles Big Baby lost sometime during the NBA Finals victory celebration. We want the old Baby back.

UPDATE: Here's the Youtube video, while it lasts...

Make It 11.

2008-12-06T02:24:00.002-05:00

The last time the Celtics had an 11 game win-streak, Greg Oden had yet to been conceived, Doc Rivers was ripping it up in Atlanta, and Scal was still pooping the bed.( He was 8 years old at this point.) While its usually blasphemy to make any comparison to the 86' Celtics, I can't help thinking that the 2008 edition could roll with them.

Their latest victim was the Portland Trail Blazers. In what has become a routine storyline for Celtics games, Portland came out strong, looking to make a statement against the Champs. As always, the Celtics played it cool until the 3rd Quarter, when the beat-down commenced. They opened up almost a 20 point lead in the 3rd and handed the game over to Big Baby, Leone and the rest of the bench. The bench showed flashes of brilliance, but deep into the forth they had a mental lapse and the lead fell down to 13. Despite the lead Doc was not happy, calling a timeout where he said not one word to his team, and remained sitting on the bench. The starters rallied the team, re-entering the game more pissed-off than ever. The Blazers, still down by 13, must have wondered what they did to provoke such intensity. They spent the rest of the game trying not to get killed. Rondo dropped a few sick dimes, Perk assaulted the boards, and within a minute the game was back out of reach.

Whether its a tight game with the Lakers or torturing the Blazers when they're up double digits, this Celtics team only knows how to play balls to the wall. Tonight's game was a perfect example of this. Let's hope they can keep it up without burning out.
The Celtics meet the Pacers again on Sunday. While my mother told me not to bet against Rasho Nesterivic, I think the Celtics still have the Pacers number and should have number 12 in the bag.

Larry Legend, Consider Yourself RONDO'D

2008-12-04T23:49:00.003-05:00

Coming into last nights game everything was good in Indiana. Sure, they have a losing record, but with Danny Granger blossoming like a 16 year-old Hannah Monatana, the Pacers had just knocked off the red-hot Lakers and were getting better everyday. That is until they ventured into the Garden and got the crap kicked out of them by Rajon Rondo. Rondo's line for the night was:16 points, 17 assists, and 13 rebounds. The last time we saw a triple-double like that in a Celtics uniform was when Vin Baker scored 12 points, drank 26 Miller High Life's after the game, ending the evening vomiting on 12 different strippers.

While Rondo got all the props its hard to say that he stole the show. K-Perk had a night of his own with 16 points 10 boards. Then there was KG who after getting alley-oops from Rondo on basically every play, finished the night with 26 points, 14 boards. And then there was Ray Allen who had 31 points hitting 6 three's. Pierce finished the night with a lame-ass 16 points 5-rebounds.

That makes 10 in a row for the C's. They've lost 1 game at home. Under normal circumstances I would be pretty worried considering how frickin' good both the Cavs and Lakers are, but no one is playing as good as the Celtics. Perk and Rondo get better every day and there is no team with better chemistry. This is shaping up to be a pretty sick NBA season, and if it continues at this rate, could be one of the best post-seasons ever. Just don't expect to see the Pacers in it.

Rodney Rogers Paralyzed

2008-12-04T23:36:00.003-05:00

After crashing in a freak 4-wheeler accident, former Celtic Rodney Rogers was parylized from the shoulders down as
SLAM reports.
Rodney was a key member of the Celtics 2002 conference finals miracle team. EVeryone here at iheartceltics wishes Rodney and his family the best.

Commence Serial Killing Spree

2008-11-21T17:03:00.003-05:00

I watch about as many TV commercials as Reggie Lewis these days, so forgive me if I am way behind on this one, but as soon as I saw this one last night, I blacked out and woke up twenty minutes later underneath ten federal agents after trying to kill the queen of England.

Has there ever, in the history of the universe, been a more rage-inducing thirty second piece of propaganda!? If the words "KILL YOUR PARENTS" flashed at the end of that I would do it. Consider these aspects of the commercial-

Risky Business, which has been played out for over 20 years. WE GET IT! Tom Cruise dances in his underpants! If this movie makes you nostalgic, you're nostalgic for a movie that sucks. Hard.

That @#$%@#$%# song... which probably annoyed the crap out of the engineers the first time it was recorded, has been featured in previews for at least ten million terrible movies and has an unprecendented change-the-radio-station conversion rate of 100%.

ARod - in the news for sucking in the playoffs, frost tipping his hair despite being in his 30's and not being the year 2000, getting booed by his home fans, being overpaid, banging that muscle-bound hag Madonna, getting divorced... this abomination comes sliding out in his iconic underpants holding a plastic guitar.

Tony Hawk - in the news.... not at all. Note the skateboard to remind us that this guy skateboards.

Michael Phelps - so boring he makes Tiger Woods look like Tracy Morgan. With all those endorsements you'd think he could pay someone ten bucks to sledgehammer that underbite back into place.

and then....

KOBE BRYANT, sliding in, wearing what appear to be jams made out of bedsheets, singing the most annoying song perhaps in existence, trampling whatever amusing kitsch appeal that played out scene had remaining into dust, prancing around like a nincompoop (in his jams) while his ever-so-slightly less annoying compadres play AIR FAKE INSTRUMENTS!!!! Why a bunch of irritating athletes are advertising a musical video game is anyone's guess. I especially love Tony Hawk, who somehow turns a basic blues shuffle beat into a drum solo from Dream Theater. This continues for several horrifying seconds before cutting to Kobe (the alleged rapist) gyrating and air-humping in front of the flat screen while ARod and Phelps begin masturbating violently on dual couches to his flanks. Then, the camera cuts to outside the house, inside of which the most horrific game of ookie cookie ever, and that's saying something, inevitably will take place.

Anyone with knowledge of this commercial that purchases this video game should be immediately sent to Gitmo for extensive interrogation. We should just assume the ad execs behind it are in cahoots with Al-Qaida and proceed accordingly. Be an American and set fire to your copy of this game if you have one.

RONDO'S BETTER

2008-11-20T23:37:00.003-05:00

CELTICS DECIMATE DISMAL PISTONS... AGAIN; KWAME BROWN STILL PLAYS IN THE NBA

The Pistons' decision to trade their best player for a player that the mediocre Nuggets were desperate to jettison appears to have been a bad one. But hey- this is the team that drafted Darko and signed Kwame Brown, so you have to have a "wait and see" attitude with their every move because you know there is some kind of delicate genius behind it that will only be appreciated long after we are dead.

But in the short term, damn- the Pistons suck. I know that they are 8-4, which is a good record, but they look listless, out of sorts, and just as dubious about the Pistons' overall strategy of sucking this season in the hope that they will eventually sign Lebron as we are.

Rondo was all over the place again- 18 points, 8 assists, and 3 steals. Tony Allen was unstoppable, really, 6-7 from the floor with a nice jam as well. Pierce played pretty crappy (9 points, 2-9 shooting) but who gives a crap. The Pistons used to be a measuring stick team, now they are a good team for Popcorn O'Bryant and Gabe Pruitt to get some minutes in. Scals had a nice 3, extending his consecutive games with a three ball streak to a career-record 2. Big Baby was throwing shots up like a maniac but redeemed himself with a Hakeem-style running fingerroll across the lane to finish 1-6 from the floor. Awesome. I am starting to expect an outrageous Big Baby bucket at the end of all the Celtics blowouts of hated rivals.

The only bad thing about this game was Rodney Stuckey's sterling -234534 fantasy point performance for my fantasy team, the Indianapolis Strip Club Fracas. Thanks for stepping in for Deron Williams, ass.

UP NEXT: Head down to Foxwoods if you want to hang with AI, he'll be there until three hours before his next game. As for the Celtics, they're at the Timberwolves tomorrow night, in the back end of the hated home game/away game back to back. Nice that the starters didn't play much, but bad that the garbage time guys went so hard tonight, they're going to be gassed for garbage time tomorrow. Prediction: Celtics 184, Timberwolves 7