I *Heart* Celtics

LARRY BROWN WISHES HE KNEW HOW TO QUIT THE KNICKS; ISIAH WISHES HE JUST HAD THAT SHOOT-FIRST POINT GUARD HE NEEDS TO BE A TITLE CONTENDER; MARV "JAWS" ALBERT JUST WISHES HE COULD WEAR FISHNET STOCKINGS AND A LEATHER MASK TO WORK

The Celtics made the Knicks their prison bitch tonight, dominating the entire game en route to a billion point victory. Interestingly, my prediction that the Celtics would win 287-71 wasn't that far off.

The story of the game was the gross incompetence of the Knicks. It never gets old watching this group fail. Nobody deserves it more than these d-bags. The Celtics basically bent the Knicks over and took turns paddling the snot out of them.

That's the report.

Investigators say the 24-year-old Green was driving more than 80 mph when he passed a police officer at Main and Linden streets early Monday morning. The officer gave chase and said Greene's SUV passed several cars and reached speeds of 90 mph.

Greene eventually stopped and was arrested at 3:20 a.m.

He was charged with failure to stop for police, operating to endanger, a marked lanes violation and speeding.

CRYBABY COACHES, MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR CRIPPLES, CANNIBALISTIC PERVERT ANNOUNCERS, SEX FREAK IGNORAMUS GENERAL MANAGERS... NOBODY HAS ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE FUN OF ALL THESE JACKASSES

So, we here at I*Heart*Celtics have been frustrated by the poor play down the stretch of our beloved Celtics, but watching the Knicks has softened the blow.

CELTICS ORDER THEIR 'BOSTON CELTICS' CHAIRS FOR LOTTERY NIGHT; DANNY AINGE PRACTICES FAKE SMILE FOR WHEN WE GET THE 13th PICK IN A CRAPPY DRAFT; I AM ALTERNATELY CURSING AND CRYING AS I TYPE THIS

The Celtics needed a win today, and every time the Celtics need a win you can count on them losing the game, usually in humilating fashion. I can't think of a single time this season during the stretch run where the Celtics have pulled out a crucial victory.

CELTICS NEED WIN, GET SERVED PLATE OF HUMILATION INSTEAD; PLAYOFF HOPES TAKE SERIOUS HIT; SCALABRINE SERIOUSLY HITS THE MCDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU TO EAT AWAY HIS SORROWS

Nothing sums up a game quite like Doc.

"I thought, for whatever reason, our spirit was broken in the third and fourth quarters."

That makes a whole lot of sense. For whatever reason, I think Doc coached like a drunken parent in the stands at a little league game.

CELTICS PREPARE TO SKEWER SO-CALLED 'BASKETBALL JESUS', WHO WILL FOOLISHLY LEAD A CAVALRY CHARGE INTO A PIKE LINE/HAILSTORM OF BULLETS FROM TONY ALLEN

The last time the Celtics played the Cavs, it was a great game. Pierce and one of the Lebrons went toe-to-toe, with the Cavs ultimately getting the win. I can't remember, but I think it was because they cheated.

My favorite basketball website, hoopshype.com, reports that the greedy buttface formerly known as carlos boozer has sued multi-platinum musical genius Prince. According to them:

The dispute is over unauthorized work done on a 10-bedroom Hollywood mansion that Boozer’s real estate company has been renting out to Prince’s record label at $70K per month.

As my main man Keytown pointed out last night, the Celtics posted a list of superlatives on their website the other day. This information is quite enlightening when it comes to our understanding about the C's.

The page at the following address covers a handful of the opinions that some of the C's players have of their teammates.

http://www.nba.com/celtics/news/superlatives_032206.html

About Scals being in NASCAR...I think there is no way Brian could maneuver through the window to get behind the wheel unless he starts laying off the all-you-can-eats for $9.99.

Oh, Gerald Greene's dunk was nasty even if it was with only 1.9 ticks left in a game already decided.

The Boston Celtics put a prehistoric beatdown on the lamest franchise in professional basketball, the Toronto Raptors.

Raptors fans started the game by repeating, "I'm Mike James, BITCH!" over and over again as James scored 10 points in the first quarter. Sadly, Canadians didn't get the joke in the first place, screwed it up, and they still think it's funny. Wow.

Even more sadly, they get fired up because they have Mike James as their point guard.